The Most Random Retreat Ever!

I got back from the retreat on Monday morning. Thank you Dave for getting up at 4:30 am to take me to the airport! It was an amazing experience, something I am still processing...All I know is that I spent most of the time wrestling with God over answers to questions I felt I need Him to answer. It was the most beautiful site I have seen, watching a community from 5 different states come together for one reason. I saw personal light bulbs go off, freedom begin to flow through people's spirits and tears flow from eyes that finally felt emotions that were locked away. My friends, transformation began for people on this trip. I felt honored to sit in a room and watch it.

But for me, it was hard. I cried, I was tired, I was emotionally drained. I knew that if I didn't go after Nick, I wouldn't get much time with him. But we had dinner at the Tavern on Sunday night. I spilled out my past three months to him over an Amstel Light and a burger (which I felt today as I was running backwards up the hill for boot camp). He answered questions, he helped me see the light, I felt peace in my soul. Friends, it was an amazing experience and once I process it more with my small group and my inner circle, you'll know more about it.

I was fortunate enough to help Dave and Sara find their apartment...It's amazing! I laughed with old friends, made new ones and almost peed my pants at watching "The Office". I was called a cheeve (don't ask about the spelling, but the definition is basically anything you want to say); I went shopping and had Sonic...outside...in the sun...with a dog. Friends, it was the best weekend I've had in a while.

But don't get me wrong, it was the most random retreat ever, but I loved it. It was where I needed to be this weekend. If you click on the picture above, you can see photos from the weekend.

By the way, it's currently 63, sunny, and beautiful outside. I'm in a short sleeve shirt, capris and flip flops...my friends, it is fantastic!

Blogger freaking out...

Okay, I've wanted to post 300 times today, but blogger has been freaking out all day long. And now, I can't remember half of the post I wanted to write...

I'm sure there was one about the fact that I loved that Kelly called me out of the blue...
I'm sure there was one about how Omarosa will be on the Surreal Life (which means I will not watch next season)...
I'm sure there was one about my boot camp class today....
I'm sure there was one to be written about the fact that I just realize I drink close to 1 gallon of water a day...
I'm sure there was one about the beautiful weather (70 degrees)...
I'm sure there is something to say about Denver in a few short days...
I'm sure I wanted to write about the fact that speed dating isn't tomorrow but now it's not until April...
I'm sure I wanted to write about how all I want for dinner is Taco Bell...

But I can't remember what I really wanted to say.

Except that I'm tired and I'm in pain due to a hard workout today...I'm ready for a vacation, a walk with Chi and Sonic for lunch on Friday....

ps-If you want a google email account (gmail), let me know...I have 50 invites...

Because I'm addicted to these things...

My friend Liz (who walked by me today, but didn't say anything, which she claims she didn't see me, but whatever, I still love her) had this on her site, so I decided to do it too...I'm such a follower...

1. First name: Meghan
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope.
3. Do you wish on stars? All the time…the better question is do the wishes come true?
4. When did you last cry? Last night, while watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yep, but since I spend so much time on the computer, I don’t get to write that often.
6. What is your favorite lunch meal? Willow’s Tuna on Multi-Grain with Honey Mustard…so good.
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? What kind of question is this?
8.If you could be Water, Earth, or Air, which would you be? Well, since my sign is a water sign and I love being in the water, I would have to say Water
9. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yep, Friday night at “good” Friday celebration…Now Viv and Brad know it.
10. Do looks matter? Yes, but its not all that matters. Personality and character have a lot to do with it too.
11. How do you release anger? I go to the thrift store, buy old cheap plates and break them in the garage (there is a back story, you’ll have to ask me about it)
12. Where is your second home? Sad to say, but Willow.
13. Do you trust others easily? It depends…yes and no
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Little Pony Set…it was FABULOUS!
15. What class in school do you think was totally useless? In high school, Math…all math classes. In College? Well, it would have to be Personal Finance. In Seminary? Almost all my leadership courses.
16. Do you have a journal? Yes
17. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not as much as I once did, but I still do.
18. Favorite movie(s)? Garden State, So I Married an Axe Murderer, A Mighty Wind, Chicago, Finding Neverland, Sixteen Candles
19. What are your nicknames? Megs, Smith, Kegs, and the most recent one…Jeeves
20. Would you bungee jump? Doubtful
21. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? never
22. Do you think that you are strong? I’m getting there physically…Emotionally; I’m 100% stronger than I was 3 years ago
23. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookie Dough…especially Cold Stone’s version of it….
24. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My inability to trust the goodness of God.
25. Who do you miss most? Tiffany
26. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Man, the entire Internet community would be cool, but no
27. What color pants are you wearing? Khaki
28. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Fire Engine Red
29. Last person you talked to on the phone? My grandmother…I miss her
Were you interested in the conversation as well or just the who? Yes…silly question
30. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile and eyes
31. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes…she’s the best!
32. How are you today? Doing well…loving the weather and the fact the windows are open…a little tired
33. Favorite drink? Water, Cherry Coke, and a good cold beer
34. Favorite sport? To watch: K-State Football to play: ultimate
35. Hair Color? Currently brown…check back in 3 weeks
36. Do you wear contacts? Yes, otherwise I am blind
37. Favorite food? Bacon Cheeseburgers and Fries
38. Last movie you watched? The American President on TNT
40. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
41. Summer or winter? Summer. The winter here last too damn long
42. Hugs or kisses? Yes.
43. What is your favorite dessert? Tiramisu
44. Living arrangements? Townhome, renting a room with a roommate
44. What are your desired living arrangements? Denver or Austin…
45. What's on your mouse pad? Nothing…I’m on my laptop
46. What did you watch last night on TV? Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
47. Favorite smell? Freshed baked cookies…only chocolate chip cookies
48. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
49. Do you believe in evolution or creationism? Both…if you want to have this conversation, then email me…I refuse to discuss my theology with someone in a comment box.
50. What's the last nice thing somebody said to you? That they loved my sense of humor…this came from the guy teaching my boot camp.

The week ahead...

First of all, the Chicago Sun-Times website claims that today's weather is "breakthrough". They honestly have the best description of the weather, so you should check it out some time. It is freaking gorgeous outside today...and tomorrow is suppose to be 70!! Can you believe it?! That's right, spring has finally arrive...PTL!

My first Easter was a success. A spiral cut ham is truly a newbies gift to cooking. Don't believe me? Try it yourself...Thanks to Sara and Dave who brought a casserole and Vivie for bringing the dessert, we had a great time. Next time will be a lot less intimidating.

In other news, I leave Thursday for Denver and I cannot wait. The mountains, the beauty, but no old school Nintendo...which makes me very sad. Speed dating on Wednesday (prepare for a post) and back on Monday. It will be a great weekend to get away.

Class starts in a week...1 week till my last class! HOLY CRAP that's big...not just big, but big. Sara nominated me to speak at graduation and of course, the list of things that would be inappropriate to say has begun...Trust me, you'll know if I get to speak.

So, until Wednesday night after Speed Dating, get out and enjoy the beautiful weather... I know I will be!

Be yourself and you will always be in fashion.

My internet fortune cookie told me this today...Interesting in light of my desire to be on What Not to Wear.

Today was a pool day in boot camp so I feel like I smell like chlorine, a smell that will not go away until at least Saturday.

It's a weird weekend. No major plans on Friday or Saturday and having friends over on Sunday for Easter lunch. I'm cooking my first ham, so I am slightly nervous. What if for some reason, I do it wrong? Yikes!

In other news about me...well, next Wednesday I'm doing speed dating. My friend Alethea asked me if I wanted to do it and I couldn't pass up an opportunity to have fun in the city and have 20 four minutes dates in one night. Trust me, there will be a post following that adventure.

So, until next week...Congrats go out to Vanessa and Glenn on getting married (which is just fun because Van and I have known each other since 2000 and I've known Glenn since he was a freshman in high school) and have a very Happy Easter!

What Not To Wear

I love shows that feature transformation. Whether it's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (I cry...EVERY TIME) or the old episodes of Trading Spaces, I get hooked and cannot turn my eyes away. It's almost as bad as Behind the Music on VH1. If you start watching during the last 30 minutes, you are hooked and can't turn away.

My favorite of these shows is What Not to Wear on TLC (aka: The Lord's Channel because it's all about Transformation). I want to be on there so Stacy and Clinton can speak truth into my wardrobe and tell me what I really should be wearing as oppose to the jeans and t-shirts I wear on a daily basis. I realize they can be cruel, and if I did make it on, I know I would probably cry, but still, it's something I really want to do. Especially if I continue on my gym track the way I have. Who knows, maybe by the time I finish up boot camp, I'll be able to show off my new hot bod in some new hot clothes. Oh..one can wish can't they?

My hope is that my own personal (and physical) transformation will continue. I just can't wait to see where it ends up in 2 months. That's right, I finished my first month of boot camp and I only threw up once (you'll have to ask me for that story).

Look out Denver...I'm coming back!

After what appears to be the worst birthday week ever (now there's a show for VH1), I had a meeting with my mentor on Saturday. Let me back up...you'll need a back story on this.

My friends are planting a church in Denver. When Nick and the first crew left a year ago, I resisted going, simply because I didn't have a pay check to go. Then I went in September. And I loved it. I loved the people from Iowa, I loved the concept of the church, I fell in love with the town...how could you not?

Well, after receiving the news from Young Life, I had to sit down and process through everything. And I called Nick to let him know that I wouldn't becoming to the retreat the first weekend in April. He pushed back on me, and I told him that I would have to process it with my mentor and get back to him on Sunday. Which is where my mentor comes in on Saturday. She did a fantastic job (like usual) of speaking truth into my life and reassuring me that the ministry aspect of the past three years weren't done in vain. And we talked about what Denver would mean to me if I did go. To go, simply listen, observe, and surrender Denver as a whole. So, today, I booked a ticket with $241 that I don't have. I'm waiting for God to show up with it (and by it, the money) in some fashion that just knocks me off my rocker. But I need to get away. To sit in community and receive. And I need to figure out how I'm going to get to the airport on Thursday afternoon. But I'm ready to go and sit in the presence of the Trinity and see what they have to say to me about my future past June 11th.

Kansas news

This is so weird. I had this professor while I was an English major for 2 minutes. He taught me about the Development and the Structure of the English language. And if I'm honest, they were amazing classes. Hard as all get out, but good. In fact, those were the only two books I saved from college (not because they will do me any good now, but because Varney's wouldn't buy them back). Out of all the profs I had at K-State, I don't think I would have picked him as the someone who could murder someone. It's so bizarre....If you want information regarding the case and what K-State is doing regarding this whole freaky situation, you can read about it here.

In other Kansas news, KU officially sucks as a basketball team. If you don't believe me, look at this.

I'm done...sort of...

Well friends, I have officially ended the second to last quarter of my master's degree career.

Sort of.

Today alone, I turned in three papers. I'm done writing papers until April 4th. I'm done studying until April 4th. Yahoo! The only problem is that the program we use to communicate with our professors (Blackboard) is down...until sometime this weekend.

Which means that the final exam I have left to take for my Old Testament 3 class will have to wait until Monday. I refuse to focus on it this weekend. I need the weekend to process the events over the past week. I need to not focus on school, but sleep in, cry, be angry, be sad, and have a good time at Joel and Andy's party on Saturday night.

So, I'm declaring that I'm done with school for this quarter!
ONE CLASS LEFT! WITH LERON! I do heart LeRon.

I can't wait.

Have you heard this?

Once again, lyrics are sticking in my head from multiple songs that are speaking to me...like the new Crossfade song, "Cold". Have you heard it? Look at these lyrics:

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

I just feel so grateful that I have a group of people that know the screwed up sides of me that I no longer keep so deep inside of me. And to those people (and they know who they are)...thank you. I love you all.

Sometimes...

someone says it better than I could...

I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody
Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
I sang your songs
I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignore
The next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it’s not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I’ve had enough mystery
You keep building it up
But then you’re shooting me down
But I’m already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position
I’d put down all my ammunition
I’d wonder why it had taken me so long
But lord knows that I’m not you
And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Because waiting on love
Ain’t so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
by Jack Johnson off his latest cd: In Between Dreams

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, friends, the official 25th Birthday is today. I can't believe it...25 years old! And if I'm honest, this isn't where I thought I would be by 25. By 25, I imagined my life would look slightly different. Married, a child, living in Kansas City, with a dog. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Funny how life takes you down one path and then changes it completely. But I'm content entering my 25th year. Sure, I wish the week would have started differently, but who's to say that it won't change completely soon?

My friend Andy asked me at my party on Friday when was the last time I cried at a birthday. And I honestly couldn't think of a time until this morning after I finished working out (thank you bootcamp class at 6 am). It was my 19th birthday and I was pseudo dating a guy name Aubrey. (I realize now that should have been my first clue this wasn't going to work). I actually found him making out at KJ's (now I really do miss that place) with some random girl. That birthday sucked...

As for my best birthday, I had to think about that one for a while too. Since it's March, it typically fell over Spring Break. I had to figure out a way to celebrate it before or after. In high school, it was spent on the slopes in Colorado. In college, 2 years were spent in Kansas City, 1 year was the Bahamas and 1 year in London. I think my London birthday was incredible, and it was that trip that I began to really fall in love with London. I saw fantastic plays, great museums and traveled a little by myself.

And then there's this year. A party last Friday, a party this Saturday and fun times today. Lunch with Carol, dessert with Viv, Craig, and maybe a new friend. And it's exactly what I want. Maybe the 25th year won't be so bad...maybe it will be the best birthday....I'm just excited to see what happens....I just know I'm excited to see what happens and ready for the next chapter to begin.

my fortune cookie...

Insecurity is your biggest hurdle.

dang gina! right again! this thing is as good as the magic eight ball.

This is not the way I wanted to start my birthday celebration week...

Young Life has decided that I am not the right fit for them...So, it's hard but I'm just processing it right now...Feel free to email me or call me if you have any questions...
Sorry, I just don't feel like writing more right now...

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank my favorite people for helping me celebrate my 25th birthday a little early this year...it was the exact thing I wanted and it wouldn't have been the same without you! I love you all....

And you wonder why I don't own a cat!

Here is the number one reason I REFUSE to own a cat....

I miss my friend Chad...

...who probably doesn't read this, but I wanted to let you all know that it's true.

See, Chad wasn't someone that I met through college or through Heartland. Chad was my Bucks boss and without a doubt, he ranks right up there with one of the best bosses I have ever had. He's the only one these days who gets what the air c is, or that reference to Ross and his teeth and how I play into that scene. He was willing to sing with me behind the bar and cry with me when I left the Bucks to come here. He knows what I look like at my best, seen me during my worst, and looked at me across the table after drinking margaritas and said perhaps it would be best for us to walk around the Plaza before driving home. And to be completely honest (something I'm realizing that I love these days), he is the last guy that overwhelmed me...and not in a bad way, but the way that as a girl you want to be overwhelmed.

He and I spoke a lot when I first moved here. And then it slowly faded. And then he moved to Seattle, and we spoke again more frequently and now it's faded. He's now the person who gets the random phone calls after a good night with the girls. I wish I could see him right now and I would love to go out to Seattle and see him in his new life, but that probably won't happen until at least August now (financially and all). But I was missing him today and wanted to let him know that...even if he doesn't read this thing. And now the entire internet community now knows that I miss him and for right now, that may be enough.

.
Pictures from the Axis Retreat are now up...granted, I didn't take that many, but hey, it's better than nothing...

Do you even know me??

I got sick last week...random fever, stuffy nose, cough...everyone has had it here in Chicago. Saturday night after my great night in the city, I started to lose my voice. Yesterday it was barely here and by Axis Sunday night, it hurt to talk and swallow. My speech therapist told me not to talk any more...which I ignored over dinner with Viv and Craig.

So, here it is today, and I thought I had gotten it back, but it completely and utterly gone. I love to talk. I love singing with the radio. Tonight, I was suppose to talk to junior high and high school students about security and it's gone! I never lose my voice! This is so wrong. And I'm offering up a reward...If you have seen or heard my true voice in the last 24 hours, please return it....a whole dollar could be coming your way if you find it for me.

I feel bad about not being able to talk tonight...I'm just hoping I get it back by tomorrow...Otherwise, I might actually have to go the doctor...

It's Nights Like Last Night that Make Me Want to Stay...

I traveled into the city last night to celebrate my friend Mike’s birthday (Happy Birthday by the way). We started off at this great wine bar, and friends, let me tell you, if you want a good, romantic, fantastic view of the city, then this is the place to go. You can sit on couches, hold a conversation and still have a fantastic time…it’s worth the trip into the city. We had a great time and once Erin and I found something to talk about (because according to Mike, we were unable to have any conversations on our own), it was smooth sailing. With about 15 people, a couple of bottles of great wine, some good moldy cheese, we were ready to move to another scene.

We ended up here, which was great…we were able to have a couple of drinks, some good dance tunes and tons of pictures. We laughed at the white guys who cannot dance and then I realized it was 2 am. After saying good-bye to everyone and watching Kate and Erin get into their cabs, Mike and I walked down to here and ate a good polish dog, only after being yelled at (because that’s what they do here). I drove home and crashed into bed by 3:15.

I had a fantastic time. I laughed, met new people, drank fantastic wine, danced and realized that I really do love this city. It’s moment like these that I realize I don’t want to leave, that I can’t imagine not having this city at my finger tips and don’t know if I’ll ever live in another city like this…so, thank you Mike for giving me a couple of reasons to stay…it just makes the decision harder!

These are the days you are never ready for...

When one signs on to be a youth pastor, one tends to think they will have a good, fun, and easy job. Overnight retreats, the ability to watch MTV and not feel guilty, summer camp, fun songs, etc are what is typically involved when one becomes a youth pastor. However, today is not the day one envisions for themselves when one decides to become a youth pastor.

I'm sitting here, waiting for Liz to call me so I can go over to her house. She wants someone to comfort her, to be with her and not to ask any questions, just someone who is willing to enter into her pain right now. Liz, like so many right now, are grieving through the loss of a dear friend. I didn't know Laurie personally. I've met her several times at the bucks, and a couple of times at Willow, so we recognized each others faces, but we didn't know each other. I was confused when I saw her name come across the screen on NBC5 Friday morning as I was getting ready for the gym, and now we have an understanding of what happened or at least where she is.

For me, this isn't my first lost. I know it won't be the last time a student or mentee calls me in tears asking for a shoulder to cry on in the midst of pain. I feel like I can relate considering I've lost so many of those close to me over the years. The first real grief I felt was losing Rita almost 8 years ago. Then I lost my friend Nick from high school, my grandfather in 2000, my friend Josh from college...there are times when it seems so easy to follow Jesus' example...be kind, compassionate, love like crazy, speak truth in love...and times when it's so hard...a man of sorrows...acquainted with grief...

I feel so sad for Laurie's family, friends, fiance, customers, acquaintances, the people in her classes. Things will never be the same...But for now, as a community we must come together and simply just be...

True, True

My friend Vanessa reminded me that Kansas City isn't that bad of a city and she's right. Kansas City is a nice, wholesome town, but don't you ever just feel like you've out grown something? I doubt I would have lasted in Manhattan after I graduated. My friend Bri did for a while, but I doubt I would have even lasted as long as she did. For me, I began to out-grow Kansas City during my last spring there and I don't know if I could survive moving back. I realize that sounds so over dramatic, but it would be a hard move back. I've changed in the last three years, and I don't want to fall into the old habits I had prior to me moving here. I'm sure if God called me back to KC, I know I would go and He would raise up a group of people around me that was a loving community...I just know right now, I couldn't go back.

So, anyways...I have survived 1 week of boot camp. Yesterday, as I was recovering from a sudden fever/stuffy nose attack, I could not move. It actually hurt. But I lost three pounds (go me!) so I'm happy. 1 week down, 11 to go. Everything still hurts, but I'm growing more and more appreciative of the guys who run this class because they are working my sorry tail into shape.

I have a busy weekend planned. Laundry and cleaning of my room and bathroom need to be done. TONS of school work (2 more weeks...then I have one class left). A trip to the wine bar on Saturday night to celebrate a friend's birthday and Axis on Sunday. It should be good...I'm looking forward to relaxing though. I need it....that and a good laugh.

99 Red Balloons

Here it is...99 days till all this ends. When I officially leave this place and try to do life on my own. I am amazed, slightly scared, and very anxious to know what June 12 offers (which is the day after I graduate).

I've been a student for 20 years. I have no idea how to be anything else, and while I have been here, I have come close to understanding that I'm not going to be a student forever. It's so scary. I have no idea what's around the corner, all I know is that it's very possible I could be doing life on my own.

My life is still crazy, it's still hard. I'm grateful for the people who are willing to let me be messy when the grieving starts, which now seems to be on a daily basis. It's so weird to think that this is my last Next Gen Conference, it's the last time with the Axis retreat, it's a lot of last things. And if I'm completely honest and vulnerable, there are only a few people that I want to be with me through this, and these are people who have been with me for three years. But there are a few new people who I desperately want to be on this with me, but I just don't know if I have it in me right now to try anything new.

So, right now, I'm sitting in my office, looking over the things I need to do over the next 99 days. Conversations that need to be had, things I need to get to finishing up, work things that must be done before I leave. Otherwise, I'm sitting in the fact that my very best friend in the entire world is moving. So, now Kansas City has lost some of it's appeal, but that does mean where ever she and her growing family end up, I'll have a warm place to visit. I'll miss her like crazy, but we haven't lived in the same town since 2002, so it won't be any different, but trips to KC now just won't be the same. It was her and her family that I longed to see as soon as I got home...this just now gives me a better excuse to stay a short period of time.

I'm ready for a new season, and not just a physical season, but a new season in life...this one is just so hard that I just don't know if I can continue to do it.

Welcome back!

What a weekend! And because you have been dying to figure out how I spent it, I'm going to tell you in full detail.

Obviously, you all know now how Friday morning went. I'm still feeling good about it, so now it's just a waiting game between now and in two weeks. Friday afternoon, A, Bets and myself all headed up to The Grand Geneva for the Axis Retreat. It was a good time. It's weird walking into a retreat of 250 people and not knowing that many. But it was good. Friday night we had a dance party with DJ Fisher Price. Now, if you know me at all, you know I need at least 8 hours of sleep to function properly. Friday night, I got 2. I even tried to read something for Old Testament, and that didn't even put me to sleep. Saturday was filled with breakout sessions which was fun and 3 hour nap. Saturday night we had communion and some great worship...which I grieved through simply because I realized I don't know how many more sweet Axis moments I'll have. We left Sunday after a vision casting moment and I got back just in time to catch an hour nap and the Oscars. I loved it simply because I got to see some people that I really enjoy hanging out with and I made a new best friend because we both can't stand the same movie. Your fabulous call me every five minutes.

And now it's back to the grind. I have school work I need to finish this week. I started my boot camp class this morning which just left me with humiliation of being poked and measured. But at least I know now and knowing is half the battle. It looks like an overwhelming week with ministry tonight and Friday night, a conference in between and maybe a trip to the city to celebrate a friend's birthday. So, until then, I'll just sit back and try to catch up on the things I missed this weekend.

ps-pictures from the retreat tomorrow!

Update on the job front...

okay, here's what I know so far...
I just finished my interviews and now I'm sitting in Panera writing this blog. I feel like the interviews went well. I met with the regional director one on one and with 4 area directors. The regional director did a great job of painting the picture of what type of position I would be best suited for (not an intern, but not quite an area director...so a direct ministry position). I feel like they all went well and when I felt my intensity coming on strong, which can overwhelm some people, I tried to reign it in on some level. I'll know within 2 weeks if they want to continue the process with me in Chicago. If the direct ministry position isn't available in Chicago, they are willing to help me find a position within the organization some place else. So, I'll keep you posted on what I know when I know it! Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers...they were definitely felt!

on a complete side note:
I have a button that is no longer working on my computer for my mouse and it's driving me insane, but the cute boy sitting at the next table in Panera is keeping me distracted from that minor problem. I just hope my computer can stick it out until December...and then I can purchase what I really want.

Common Courtesy

I was raised in the south. I am not a debutante, I am just a normal almost 25 year old who understands that when you receive a present, you send a thank you note and you say please and thank you. Now, I was raised with a few things my friends never were raised with. First of all, I still have to say ma'am and sir. I still try to say please and thank you. I appreciate when a man opens the door or pulls out my seat for me. Up until December, I still called adults by Mr. and Mrs. and their last names. And of course there were things I learned that were crazy, like the fact that I was taught children are seen, not heard and that I knew how to have a conversation with a 40 year old because I often went to my dad's office parties. People often why I'm so mature...I assume that has something to do with it. I still believe that you shouldn't talk on your cell phone on an airplane, that you don't talk during a movie, and you clip your toe nails in a private room.

So, today, as I sit in the place where I pimp the internet, I am frustrated out of my mind by the boy playing behind me. He has some type of top that he has to pull a string to get it to spin. And he keeps spinning again and again. No one is watching him, no one is asking him to stop, so it keeps hitting the tile floor and driving me insane. Do parents not teach their children common courtesy any more? That perhaps this isn't the right place to keep using the top and maybe the mom should be paying more attention to the kid not her latte and newspaper. Maybe the south has it right in the aspect of common courtesy and teaching about respect in public places.

Emily Rose Ijeva

Emily Rose Ijeva
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Please help me welcome my favorite Brit's new baby girl...born on Monday, February 21st at 5:19 am.

I'm so happy for you Jase and Rach!

Please, please, Please!!!

I wish I could talk to you individually and let you know about the process I have been in over the past few months, but the blog will have to do for now.

On Friday, February 25th, I have my first round of interviews at Young Life in Chicago-land. They will start at 1 pm with 3 different 30 minute interviews with multiple people from the Chicago-land staff. Please keep me in your prayers on Friday. I became nervous today (I don't know why...oh wait, maybe because it's my first real job interview). So, who knows where this will lead, who knows where it will end up (Chicago...maybe Denver...maybe some place completely), but I just know that the more people who know about this and will be praying about this will be so important.

I'm going on the Axis Retreat this weekend, so hopefully before I leave I will be able to send another blog to let you know how it goes. Feel free to call after 3 pm on Friday if you want specific details (umm...yes, if you want to reach me, you should know the phone number...I'm crazy, but not crazy enough to post my phone number on the web). Otherwise...keep me in your prayers and good thoughts! Thanks friends!

love you all!

I Heart Zach Braff

He's just so cute...I can't resist placing a picture of him here...Thank you Zach Braff for changing my life.

Uggs

I'm sitting in Panera again...pimping their internet.

I'd like to mention something about uggs.

I do not own a pair of uggs. I think they are ugly. But I do believe some people can pull them off appropriately (ie: my best friend).

But if you are over the age of 30, have four kids, and are dressing like you are 15 in your short skit, bright pink shirt and a hodded sweatshirt, you should not have on uggs.

Do these people not have a loving community around them that will say "I love you and no"?

A good week in pop culture

I am a huge fan of pop culture. And I remember the most random things, so it tends to make people question my knowledge. Not in a bad way, but just in a "whoa...how did you know that type of way?" So, let's review the past week in pop culture.

American Idol picked their 24 final contestants. One has really cute hair. I eventually want hair as cute as hers. I am going to make my top three predictions now. I'm not really good at this, but hey, it's worth the shot (these are in no order):
1. Mikalah Gordon
2. Mario Vazquez
3. Constantine Maroulis
American Idol now goes to three times a week, which means that I will only start watching it on Wednesdays (the night they announce who will be going on). The other two nights, I will have to rely on the witty remarks of these fools.

On the OC this week, we continue our saga with Sandy and Kirsten and the past. Damn you past...why don't you just leave us alone. Now they won't even eat Chinese food because of you. If you watch it careful, you realized there were two of my favorite things advertised in the show...The Best Week Ever and 2 Buck Chuck. Thank you OC for pushing these two things into America's hands.

On a rerun of Friends, we see how the girls win back the apartment...
On ER, I couldn't watch it because it dealt with a stroke...it made me think of my grammy...I miss her.

Scrubs this week was a genius episode. Seriously, are you still not watching? That's sad. No worries though, the first season comes out on DVD on May 17th. Get it.

And currently, I look like Ashlee Simpson. I have cute choppy hair which is now a deep chocolate brown. I like it.

Army green isn't my color...

Last week, as I was driving to the best place on earth to get some school work done, I had the following conversation on the phone:
me-hello?
phone-hi, is Meghan there?
m-this is Meghan.
p-Hi meghan, this is Paul Howe, I saw your resume on churchstaffing.com and had a couple of questions for you. Do you have some time?
m-sure, go ahead.

[I'll go ahead and jump to the good part]

p-Well, I have an odd question for you...Have you ever considered being a Chaplin for the military?
interior monologue: HELL NO! There is no way I am going to Iraq.
m-Well, actually I don't think that's in my calling...

The conversation continues on and then I call my friend Cookie to tell her about, which in return she leaves one of the funniest messages around...in fact I have it still saved on my phone. But she said something when we talked later. Cookie said that she would pay to see me go through boot camp. I agreed that it would be a funny site, but that I would be in the best shape of my life.

So, starting on Monday, February 28th, I'm starting boot camp. At my gym, so not at some fort located in the middle of no where Iowa. It's 12 weeks long and I think, no I know that it's going to kick my a$$. And hopefully by May, I'll be looking good, just in time for swimsuit season.

what a wonderful night (but, boy, was it cold)

my friend Craig
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

First of all, let me say that I am sitting in Panera, blogging, on my new wireless computer. I've had a laptop for about 2 years now (I got it right after I moved to Chicago) and it wasn't until yesterday that I had wireless capabilities (THANK YOU DW!). So, I'm enjoying a good cup of soup, with my computer in my lap...it truly is a beautiful thing.

Last night I wondered into the city to hang out with Craig. Craig is an actor at heart and he was the star in a one-act play. There were three other plays (all one act), but his was the best. And I'm not just saying that because you know he's my friend and I love him, but it really was the best. The first one was about a relationship (decent but the writer was cocky) and the last one was about a couple that wants to eat a man (like Craig said last night, I could have written better, and that is true).

We drove into the city together...which by the way, no traffic at 4:30 pm.that was a miracle. We had dinner at the good Italian place where prior to dinner we played hangman (the local church is the hope of the world and if you have the gift of leadership then lead) and talked about funny stories that happened once at a Super Bowl party.

We walked around, but as soon as we got outside, it was freaking' cold out and all I wanted was a cup of coffee (I couldn't feel my upper lip). I drove back last night, only to miss hanging out with my friend Mike, and got home just in time to watch American Idol, taped of course.

All, in all, it was great. I really had a fantastic time with Craig, just enjoying the city and watching him in his element. It's friendship like his that make me want to stay in Chicago...

27 days, 8 hours, 22 minutes

Just a quick reminder of how many more shopping days you have until the big day.

Don't forget to check out the wish list !

You know you want to....

who are the sickos that create this stuff?

I am a proud excite.com user. I've had my email through them for almost 3 years now, and I rarely have spam and I get a great front page where I get news, entertainment updates, and funny web fortune cookies. Thanks to my friend Cari, though, I will be moving to gmail within the next few months (don't get your panties in a wad, just a response will be needed to the email I send you, not now, in order for me to switch your information...besides, this won't take place until I move, so June).

Now, here is my problem. There is an ad at the top of my excite page. With a toe, and at one point the toe nail lifts up. I have no idea what the add is for, but I CANNOT LOOK AT IT. I gag every time I see it, and the thought alone...eww!

Please, who ever thinks of that crap and then decides to put it on the web, please stop...my stomach can't handle much more.

interesting...

my web fortune cookie says the following:

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Just be aware of your polarity.

I am beginning to think that my computer and the web knows me a little to well.

Happy Valentines Day

It's valentine's day...

For the first time in years, I actually have on red...I'm not donning my typical all black outfit in my disgust of this holiday.

It's actually a year that I want a valentine. And I had a possibility of spending time with someone this weekend who I am interested in and then they never called. So, that hurt...people I still believe in common courtesy. But as the books says, "he's just not into you". There is always person #2...maybe something will be there. Life will go on and there will be no bitterness towards the guilty party.

But today instead of focusing on the love I am without but on the people I am eternally grateful for. I thank each one of you for your support, encouragement, honesty, and the love you give me on an every day basis. Thank you...because of your friendship, my valentine's day is a little brighter this year.

in the midst of grief, sadness, and pain...

Let me preface this post by saying two things:
1. It will be long.
2. It will probably be sad (well, it's sad for me and my hope is that you can enter into that with me, but a majority of people cannot so, just pretend)

If you still have the patience for me to ramble, please continue on. Otherwise, come back next week from something a little less dramatic and we'll continue on.

Within the past three weeks, I have received information after information about people leaving Chicago. My mentor and the director of the internship...a majority of the interns who started with me (that was a given, it's now harder than I expected)...my friend Vivian...other people from Willow...David and Sara (given as well, but after spending two weeks with them it's still hard). I'm honestly questioning my role here in Chicago and if I want to stay. Why, when so much of my community is leaving, should I stay? I feel disconnected and sitting in a swirl of questions and emotions.

Perhaps it's my longing to be wanted...to be accepted...to be loved that is making this so tough for me. This is the only place I have ever lived and experienced a community that is transformational and willing to call me out on my crap and still love me inspite of it. And I appreciate that; in fact I now love it and can't imagine life without it. And now that's all changing. I don't do well with change. I like stability, traditions, the status quo. Heck, I even have assessments that say the those things. I told the Trinity the other day that if I need to stay, that I need relationships to start (any type of relationship)...I'm now waiting to see if that happens.

And then I saw Hotel Rwanda today. I needed a day to myself. To not be surrounded by people asking me the constant question of what are you doing next. I DON'T KNOW!!! Trust me...And you'll be on the list to find out...please stop asking! I needed a day to get up, straighten my room, take a long hot shower, go to lunch at Panera, read the paper, and spend time with the Trinity. I needed to reconnect with my soul. Of course I cried...it's powerful. If you watch that movie and don't cry, there are serious issues going on. And as it has been pointed out to me recently, I am a fighter of injustice. When my mentor told me that she was leaving, I got angry. It wasn't fair and it still isn't fair. So watching a movie where injustice is happening every second of every day...so not cool. A good cry was produced and I drove to the library in the silence of my car. I feel more connected with the Trinity and my soul, but I don't feel like I've still gotten to my gut to see what the Trinity is telling me about current and future situations.

All this to say is that January was hard, half way through February is hard, and I'm predicting that the next 4 months will be hard. No easy track for me. But there is hope, and that my friends is what I am clinging to right now.

Updated me!

Thanks to Amy, I have been able to update my blog and make it very cool. I'm so grateful to this girl! And I don't even know her! That my friends is the blessing of community! Now, onto bigger and better things...like a movie staring Grace Adler, I mean Debra Messing.

The best day ever!

VH1 has a show called "Best Week Ever". It's the way I catch up on all the weeks events on Saturday mornings at 10 am (CST). If you have VH1, check it out...

Today though is my best day ever (well, not ever, I have had great days before...my first kiss, my graduation from college, senior pub crawl in college, getting my first car...). I received the following email:

Hi Meghan,
Just a note to say that your senior statement of faith has been approved and needs no more work.
Congratulations.
Mark

The toughest paper I've ever had to write is now officially finished. THANK YOU GOD! Appropriate celebration has now commenced.

Based on today alone...

I will always buy a Honda/Acura car.

My transmission has an issue, an internal problem.

I not only have a 100,000 mile warranty on my transmission (THANK YOU GOD), they are paying for my rental car and all I will pay for is my oil change.

I am so grateful that I am not out 5 grand...and that I get to drive my first rental car! Just shy of my 25 th birthday (which does mean that the thrill of renting a car now on my 25th is gone)...so sad.

Feeling old...

In lieu of my birthday being only 36 days, 13 hours and 49 minutes away, I realized how old I am getting in the past few days.

While I was at Bethel, in line at the Super Target buying necessary snacks to keep me awake in class, I heard the following question:

"Hey Dad, who's Bruce Springsteen?"

ouch...that one hurt.

Last night during the Super Bowl halftime show (which I enjoyed, but that's because I appreciate and like the Beatles), a friend of mine was asked by a high school student if the man singing was John Mayer....

People, isn't it time we start to offer classes in high school on music before 1990? I think that could easily be an elective...in fact, I'll teach it if a school district would let me.

Do you know what today is??

I woke up this morning at 6:15 am. Which may not seem early to you, but it's early for me. I had to pack, shower, eat breakfast and help load the car. I sat down at the table for my last waffle and began to think about my day. Chapel at 8, class at 8:30, no lunch, class should end around 1:30 (though I wish it would be 1). Grab lunch at Taco John's, drive for 6 hours, get home, crash and burn...

Before I leave, I need to turn in my lunch card...oh wait it's packed away...I'll mail it in.

I need to see Jason one more time...

I need to go to chapel, in case there is something I need to hear about...

But today is the last time I'll be on this campus, in intensives, in the Residence Inn truly enjoying community.

Today was my last chapel. Today will be the last time I see Jason until next March (I promise, I'm coming).

Today is the last day I'll be here and be a student.

When I arrive on June 10th (126 days from now), I'll be arriving to don a cap and gown and walk down an aisle and receive a degree that I have worked my ass off to receive. I've cried more, laughed harder, thought more, stretched myself as far as I thought I would go. And of course I'm sad.

When I arrive back in Chicago tonight, I will be on the down slope of my program. 4 more months. Out of 3 years in which I have changed so much that I don't even recognize myself at times, I have only 4 more months. The thought alone makes me want to throw up. I have no idea what is next. I have inklings of what is next. I have fear about where I will be and where I want to be. I have fear around losing the best community I will probably ever experience and whether or not I will ever find it again. So, I'm leaving Bethel today, only to arrive back and graduate. I need to make these last 4 months count...I need to make them the best....I need to reach those desires...perhaps Tennyson says it best:

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, in looking on the happy autumn-fields, and thinking of the days that are no more-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Realizing

the reason my sweater is fitting weird today isn't because i've had a waffle for breakfast every single morning....

it's because my t-shirt that i have on underneath is on backwards.

i've had it on for almost 8 hours and now i'm just realizing this...something deeper must be going on.

Shopping around...

I've wanted a tattoo since 1998. I originally thought I would get (brace yourself) Kermit the Frog with my sorority letters. I wasn't part of a sorority in college and now realize that both Kermit the Frog and sorority letters would have been a bad choice. Then I wanted something that screamed Christian and now realize that too would have been a bad choice. And I feel like now I have settled on something.

I want something to remind me of the transformation I have seen in my own life over the past three years. I want something that reminds me of the name that I felt the Trinity call me on a daily basis. I want something that I know is me, something I have come into full with, something that I identify with and no longer run from.

So, I think for graduation I'm going to get one. On my foot, under my flip flop line...a permanent reminder of my new name received from the Trinity.

My Beloved Daughter...in Hebrew...

For my 25th birthday....

Thanks to amazon.com, I am able to create a birthday wish list. My best friend recently told me that I am hard to shop for (my mother later agreed with her). So, I've taken a step to help all of those who are looking for something to buy me for the big birthday (41 days away). I want to give you all enough time to buy something...not that I'm expecting anything, but in case you want to buy me something...

http://amazon.com/gp/registry/22AX51SP9TO5Y

The other thing I would like is 4 tickets to a U2 concert...any takers?? (a girl can dream can't she??)

a guilty pleasure

My friend Sara and I like to watch trashy TV. Well, I like to watch trashy TV when I am home too (Wednesday nights are the best for it...Nanny 911 on fox, America's Next Top Model on UPN, and Wife Swap on ABC). We've been watching Cheaters every night here...so funny (and sad, yes, but mostly funny). If you have a chance, and want to have a decent laugh, find it on your TV...it's worth it.

My first convict!

Let me tell you a little about my weekend...because I know you are waiting with baited breathe to figure out how I spent my weekend.

Friday: I finally finished and turned in my statement on Friday morning. Praise it! All 12 of us went out to dinner on Friday night to Old Chicago. An individual pizza (with mushrooms, peppers and olives), 3 Boulevard Wheats and three games of text twist later, we headed back to the hotel and hung out. So fun.

Saturday, I ran some errands and then spent the day relaxing, watching tv and not feeling guilty about not working on Old Testament school work. I spent all last week working on the Statement of Faith, so I deserved to play. My best friend from high school called and asked if I wanted to hang out that night. Christina and I have been friends since 1994, when I showed up with a teal purse in middle school and we've were friends since. Of course we've gone through our own ups and downs and we don't talk as much as we use to, but she is still a good friend. We ended up down around the Xcel Energy center, having dinner at McGovern's and then spending some time at this great Irish bar with good live music. We had a great time...I got home, hung out with the girls where I tried to say I had my first convert to Radius and in turn I said my first convict. A phone call to Nicky , Viv and Cookie (to wish them a happy birthday) and Chad (I think I left you a message, I just don't know if I did) later, I finally went to bed. Silly fuddled state!

Sunday was spent having lunch with Ryan and Erik at BW3's and reading for Old Testament. I took a great nap, listened to my iPod, and watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Desperate Housewives (if only I didn't have church on Sunday nights...I really need TIVO).

I'm hesitant about this class, I'm nervous about my professor, but my favorite Brit is back so that out weighs everything else. My last week of my last intensive. Think about that one for a while...if you are like me, it will be a swirl of emotions.

Happy Birthday Friends

Viv Megs Kristin
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

I would love ot take this opportunity to wish two of my dearest friends the best birthdays ever! I miss you and wish I could be there to help you celebrate your special day! I love you!!

The range of emotions I am feeling today is a both and

So today is one of the best and saddest day in my life...for many reasons.

1. My grandmother is in the hospital. She may have had a stroke yesterday, so my dad is in New Orleans while she is getting tested to see what's wrong...so sad.

2. My favorite pair of khakis now have the world largest hole in them and I'm in class. Thankfully, my roommate at seminary just went back to the hotel and I asked her to pick up my jeans for me. So in about an hour, I will be throwing away these pants...so sad.

3. I am officially turning in my statement of faith in 3 minutes. Praise the Lord!! It is done!! Celebration tonight at Old Chicago will begin at 6 pm...so happy!

4. I'm going to burrito loco on Saturday...so happy!!

Until Monday friends...enjoy your weekend!

miss you

a view of the skyline
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

I miss Chicago...

Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great time at intensives...spending time with a beautiful community, being "attacked" by Sara, sitting in the hot tub every night. And my statement of faith is done!

I still miss Chicago.

Right now....

I'm reading:
If Grace Is True...
The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green

I'm listening to:
Kanye West

What I am considering reading next:
God's Politics

so, intensive life is happening...

meet my friend Vicki
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Let me back up first. This time last year, I came to intensives and it was a hard period in my life...very lonely, was in a good spot in with my community at Summit and I wasn't excited to go to Bethel. When I came back from intensives, I realized that my entire community at Summit had changed. And it hurt...bad. So, Vicki and I had needed to meet and start hanging out, one because we were now in the same circle of friends, but also because she seemed like a cool person...so that was a year ago. She's great...you should get to know her...

Six months ago, I started this blog while I was in intensive mood. And I feel like it has been a good 6 months. Take some time and review the past blogs. You might see something you've missed before.

And now I'm here. Class is going...I'm currently listening to someone talk about the Baptist General Conference. I'm hoping to work on my Statement of Faith this afternoon (I NEED TO) and still make time for assignments and of course community. Hopefully some new pictures will be up soon...check back later in the week!

Hello Oscar!

How excited am I?! Oscar nominations were announced today and a very similar field to the Golden Globes. I need to see Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator, Hotel Rwanda, Sideways, Maria Full of Grace, Being Julia, Vera Drake, The Incredibles, Collateral, and multiple foreign films. I can't wait!

You can click here and see what was announced and make your predictions. February 27th on ABC with Chris Rock as the host...Yahoo!!

ps-Thank you Oscar for nominating Counting Crows for best song! Now that is the high for my day...

Pretty, isn't it...

tombstone
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Friends, as I write this, I'm preparing for Bethel. The statement of faith is almost done. I can't believe it!

Assignments still need to be done, I still need to finish laundry. I need to pack at some point. With Axis tonight and the ministry fair today, I'm a little stressed.

Look for fun posts and even better pictures from Bethel in the next two weeks. Until then, enjoy this picture my brother sent me...This was the scene in New Orleans (which is where my family is from) on Christmas...It rarely snows there (unlike Chicago, where it doesn't seem to stop!)

Happy Birthday to you!

Last night will go down as one of my favorite nights here in Chicago. My very good friend Vivian is having a birthday next week and I thought that I would celebrate her by taking her "home". Let me back up first. Vivian was the first person I met here and actually connected with. When I came to Chicago to figure out fundraising stuff, she picked me up from the airport. That same weekend, the weekend of her birthday, she took me and two other future interns to Steak and Shake to help us process the intern program. Once I moved up here, she helped me meet new friends, let me hang out with her and it's been history ever since. About a year ago, I had the opportunity to go home with her to Puerto Rico and see a piece of her history that so many don't and I felt so fortunate. She is a wonderful friend and all should get to know her...

Anyways since I'll be in the tundra for her birthday, I took her to this restaurant we found at the Taste of Chicago last year. It was a total hole in the wall, but it was something that totally reminder her (and me) of Puerto Rico. Steak, plantains and some cheese fritters later, we were both stuffed and happy. We then decided that since we were in Chicago why not go to the 24 hour Starbucks. We had coffee, attempted the crossword puzzle(s), made up stories, looked at cute boys and listened to some great music. It was awesome. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

All in all to say, happy birthday friend. Thank you for including me on your special day...I'm sad that I won't be here for the actual day, so thanks for allowing me to celebrate you early.

A side note: my other wonderful beautiful friend Kochie is having a birthday next week, which I'll miss and I'm so sad. Happy birthday to you to friend...I love you so much!

a-freakin-men brother...

from my friend jaybarclay sent to me over im:

is it healthy that while watching the first two episodes of ed (thanks to tivo, naturally) i felt like i was watching old home movies of my friends from college?

yes friend, it is healthy...

and another thing...

I received an ipod with 20 gigs of space for Christmas. I'm officially postmodern. So today, of all days, I've decided that I would start putting some of my favorite CDs onto it so that I don't have to haul all my CDs to Bethel when I leave next week. I already have 1 gig of music on there and feel like if I don't start rationing my gigs properly, I will not have room for the CDs I really want (like Keane or Kayne West or The Shins). What is a girl suppose to do? (I'm asking that for real answers, not theoretically)

a note on that one random guy winning the golden globe

So, the appetizer of Golden Globes last night was good, but by the time it ended at 10 pm last night, I realized two things:
1. I need to see 15 different movies between now and Oscar time
B. So many people got ripped off it was sad.

Adam Duritz, the lead singer for the Counting Crows (my favorite band of all time) was there, suited up and ready to take the win for "Accidently in Love" from Shrek 2. Jim Carrey whose performance in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was beautiful and truly showed his range. Kate Winslet's performance for both Eternal Sunshine and Finding Neverland were breathtaking and remarkable and made me want to change my hair color, so I did. Will and Grace, a favorite of everyone, they all of them came out to support each other and the show...and then my favorite person right now, Zach Braff (who should have been nominated for Garden State), brought his mom. And all of these people lost!!!! Curses to you Hollywood Foreign Press. The only good thing that came out of these awards was Closer winning two (best supporting actor and actress) and Jamie Foxx winning for Ray.

And to that one random guy winning the golden globe (yes you Leo)...I shake my fist at you!

It's been one week...

Before we start--58 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes till my 25th birthday...my birthday wish list will be up soon.
To let you in on the week ahead:
Today, Sunday January 16th -- I must work on my Statement of Faith. It is due in two weeks (insert the appropriate stressed filled words here). I have an assignment due tomorrow for prophets that also need to work on and the Golden Globes are tonight...time management is necessary.

Monday, January 17th -- Oasis kicks off. I feel like I have twenty million balls in the air and something will be dropped. And I Love the 90's Part Deux starts...thank God for the VCR (and model trains).

Tuesday, January 18th -- Meetings in the afternoon, Summit that night. Once again, I feel like I haven't done enough to prepare.

Wednesday, January 19th -- Meetings again, need to work again on Statement of Faith, perhaps a good $5 movie that night...Finding Neverland is showing at the Catlow. Yahoo.

Thursday, January 20th...day off...sleep, work on school.

Friday, January 21st--Intern Small Group in the morning, Champions at night...a nice 10 hour day.

Saturday, January 22nd--preparing for Bethel. Laundry, cleaning room, volunteer fair at Willow that night. Somehow have my Statement of Faith done so that I all I have to do is turn it in.

Sunday, January 23rd--see above and include Summit being recognized in Axis

Monday, January 24th--Leave for intensives...Look out Old Chicago, here I come!

All this to say:
a) I recognize that this is more information than you needed
and
2) If I don't post much this week, please see above reasons.

Top 5 reasons I love TBS

Since we (and by we, I mean the house I live in) don't have decent cable, I only get 5 decent stations...MTV, VH1, TNT, Food Network, and TBS. I have grown to love TBS and here are my top five reasons why I love TBS:

5. It shows the Family Guy on Monday nights...The Family Guy might be better than the Simpsons, but it's such a close race that I can't decide.

4. Saved by the Bell...Need I say more?

3. Sex in the City. 4 women, doing life together...community at it's finest and there is something about this that is so real and it makes me want to live in NYC.

2. The continuous flow of Friends...every night!! You can watch it at 6 pm on WGN and then turn to TBS to see a whole hour (sometimes 2 hours)! AMAZING!

and the number 1 reason I love TBS...

They have decided to start showing one of the best shows on TV that got no respect...ED! Ed, like Friends and Felicity were shows that made my college experience. I'm so excited to move back into Stuckeyville that I can't wait. Tune in on January 17th at 11 am (CST).

an edit to my last post

Two things:
1. I'm extremely happy for Jordan and I only wish him the best.

B. Life is just hard right now so getting that (the invitation) was like getting the last oreo cookie, it's good, and you're happy it's there, but it's broken and it won't absorb as much milk as you'd like right now so it sucks.

If you are seeking sympathy today, please go some place else

(a preface...Jordan if you are reading this...I apologize in advance)

Yesterday I received something in the mail that I have been trying to avoid for years. Well, maybe not years, but at least 5 months since my friend Jordan told me he was getting married. Jordan, my Jordan, the man all my friends in high school and parts of college believed I was going to marry is getting married. The man I can laugh with, cry with, who has seen me at my best and worst, a cuddle buddy in college, the man who taught me how to swing dance and trust me, I've seen him through some interesting situations too, is now getting married in 66 days.

I was slightly devastated last night when I pulled the inner envelope out and realized this is a reality (a place I don't tend to live). The website is beautiful, the wedding itself will be a blast, the decision now needs to be made if I should go. I'm taking suggestions...and contriubtions if I do go.

So, if you are coming to me today to seek sympathy...Go some place else...

Delta Blue

There is a florist shop that I pass every day that I go into work. I wouldn't say I pass it every day because let's be honest, I don't go to work or that direction every day. It always has sayings on it, quotes that sometimes make me think about the effect they have on my life. It isn't dramatic, but every now and then I try to remember what they are saying and hopefully it will be passed on to something I am doing. Right now, in my mood of change, this sign doesn’t really mean that much to me, but it is something I look at as I drive to work.I have worked a full week and already I feel like the senior-itis is kicking in and the pre-grieving wants to start but can't because I won't let it. And today as I was driving into work and listening to "walking in Memphis" I realized that I am ready to leave this place. I'm not ready to leave the relationships I have developed while being here, but I was ready to plant some roots and I think I'm ready to make a decision about moving. Now, this could all change by next week, so don't put it into cement, but if I imagine where I am going, where I will be in 6 months, I don't know if it's still in Chicago...

I watched my favorite movie this weekend, Garden State. If for some reason you have not seen this movie, please stop reading my blog, got to Blockbuster, rent it and then come back...It's that good. Anyways, I felt like I was watching this movie through new eyes, through eyes of change and the idea of moving when I came across this quote:

"You know that point in your life where you realize the house you grew up isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even thought you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out, it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. It’s like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Or maybe it’s like a right of passage, you know, and you’ll never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home yourself; for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea. Maybe that’s all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.”

I could list every line that has moved me from that movie, whether it was tears or laughter or made me think about something bigger in life, but as for now, I think this quote sums up how I felt about being home and how I feel about moving forward. I really am looking for a group of people who miss the same imaginary place...

An ode to the month past

the blow-out of the year
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

friends, can you believe it? It's 2005! Do you know what that means? It means that in March I will be 25 years old...It means that in May it will be three years since I left Manhattan (Kansas) and move to Chicago...and it means that in June (the 11th to be exact), I will graduate with my master's and be done with my internship. How weird is that?!

So, you are probably curious to know about Kansas City, my Christmas, all the details that come with traveling home for the holidays...Well, suffice it to say, it was an okay time home, and I'm glad to be back. I hit that wall eventually and was like if I don't get home to Chicago, I'm going to scream!! I got to hang out with some great friends, go to church where I don't know anyone anymore, and simply be with my best friend. Kansas City was nice and I had some good conversations with people, but I realized that the trip home was definitely the last time I would be home for that long of a period, nor would I be living in KC any time soon.

It was hectic getting to KC (driving myself to the airport) and hectic getting back (stupid O'Hare and your stupid delays). I got back just in time to enjoy New Year's with good friends and my pseudo roommates and then I got to enjoy my friend Kristen's work party (thank you Emmett's). And now I'm back to work.

It weird to be back, I almost feel like I have nothing to do...which isn't true, I have tons to do. We have ministry Friday night. Attendance from our last meeting still needs to be done. School starts next week ($100 later for books) and so for now, I'm just enjoying the non-stress work environment and playing with my iPod.

There are so many things I want to say, and yet I can't type the words fast enough to let you in on the past month of my life. There are blogs that should have been written (the appropriate use of Christmas lights), things to share with you (randomness that consist of annual dinners, waiters from CPK, and seeing movies), and still those memories are for me. So, now, look over the pictures I took over New Year's and enjoy!

I just love these things

three names you go by: Meghan, Megs, Kegs

three screen names you have: goldfish847, ChiTownRagazza, mes9193

three things you like about yourself: the fact my eyes change colors, my smile, my sense of humor

three things you hate/dislike about yourself: my sarcastic nature, my contemptuous side, my lack of trust (in almost everything, including myself)

three parts of your heritage: French, Lebanese, English

three things that scare you: spiders, snakes, scary movies

three of your everyday essentials: Creation, a good laugh, a good friend

three things you are wearing right now: jeans, a sweater, my birks

three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Counting Crows, Damien Rice, The Shinns

three of your favorite songs at present: the new one by Simple Plan, Fair by Remy Zero, The only living boy in New York

three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: moving, getting a job, dating someone

three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): honesty, authenticity, fun

two truths and a lie: I've lived in New Orleans, I've been to France and England, I've lived in New Jersey

three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeal to you: great eyes, good hands, caring heart

three things you just can't do: sing, though I try to prove myself wrong; sew, speak Spanish

three of your favorite hobbies: cooking, reading, photography

three things you want to do really badly right now: take a nap, go shopping, get a massage

three careers you're considering: Counselor, Wedding coordinator, Chef

three places you want to go on vacation: a beach, the mountains, New York City

three kids names: Presley Olivia, Lydia Grace, Ethan

three things you want to do before you die: go to Africa, author a book on youth ministry, backpack through Europe

three people you want to take this quiz now : Tiff, and anyone else who has read this...

Because, I want you to enjoy your Christmas, that's why!

The following was taken out of today's Kansas City Star newspaper...enjoy!

We found these handy tips on holiday eating in our email:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if your going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone! Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have a two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its' loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas...an update from KC soon!

The Christmas Letter I always wanted to send...

I think it was college when I realized how cool you could be and send everyone you know a letter filling them in on your past year. Some would send pictures (often bad copies of pictures on white paper, but pictures still) and they somehow reconnected me with a friend, family member, or random person on their past year. However, since the invention of the blog (thank you blog creator), I feel like that the annual letter has been replaced. You now get to see how I am doing almost on a weekly basis, if not monthly, and you get a random story or fact about me every time. But, I still want to take a shot at the old annual letter, so grab a cup of something warm (unless you are in a location that is automatically warm, then grab something cool) and settle in...

2004 has been a rollercoaster to say the very least. It started off with me in Elevate and now I'm in Promiseland/Community Care. My time at Elevate needed to end, for my soul, for my sanity. I've loved my transition to Promiseland/Community Care. Working with families who are going through a divorce or trying to learn how to make their marriage work is something that intrigues me. Writing small group curriculum, meeting with potential leaders, spending time with coaches...these are areas that I love doing and don't drain me. For me, rediscovering that I really do love family dynamics and that my college education wasn't so random is great...now if they would only offer me a job.

School wise, I can't believe that I have three classes left in my master's program. 3 classes, 2 quarters, 1 intensive...I don't you truly grasp what that means unless you've experienced the rollercoaster that is Willow. I have learned so much over the past year, about theology, about leadership, about the church in general. It all started last February sitting in a Systematic Theology Class with F. LeRon Shults and having my world flipped upside down was hard, but good and progressing through each course, I finally feel like I have a better grasp on my own theology for the first time ever. My statement of faith (my senior thesis) will help me realize all that I truly believe and though it is overwhelming to write, I'm actually excited to do it. While Bethel as a whole has been lackluster, the individuals that I have met while I am there for 2 weeks in February and July have been the best part of the experience...to my favorite Brit...Classes wouldn't be the same without you!

Of course, the major thing that has changed over the past year would be me. I have worked through some of my core issues, only to realize that I will always deal with them and at the same time realize that I am coming into adulthood...the little 22 year old girl that walked into the program 2 1/2 years ago isn't the same 24 year old woman she is today. I've learned countless things about my leadership, how to lead up, how to grieve with the appropriate people, how to use the filter in my mind on a somewhat regular basis. I have read books that have changed my life, books that I doubt I would have read anytime in the near future, books that I feel every single person should read (in fact, go to Amazon now to order either this one or this one). When I started the program, my friend Dee helped me to see that I am so fortunate to be learning and working through all of this now as opposed to when I am burnt out on ministry and shaking my fists towards a God I claimed was so distant. I've come to realize that my intensity and my passion has never fully come out with anyone including God and thus this begins my latest journey into 2005.

And what do I expect from 2005? I don't know. Expectations are funny things. You must realize your desires and then set your expectations. So, what are my desires? To fully be known and to know, to learn how to love more deeply than I have ever done before, to learn how to fully forgive people from my past and my present, to lead people in such a way that they fully experience the love of the Trinity in fresh new ways...So, what do I expect? I expect that God will show up and I expect that I will be transformed.

And so to you, blog reader, I wish you a very merry Christmas, a joyful new year, and the most unexpected 2005.

eww...gross!!

Okay, here's another side to me...

I hate scary movies, blood, loose teeth on children, and vomit (both my own and others).

So, this morning, I was taking out the trash because Tuesday is trash day in the wonderful world of Cary, and the bag broke open at the bottom of the staircase.

I was gagging the entire time as I put the trash into a new trash bag. I had to spray Lysol, plug in an air freshener, and wash my hands about 15 times.

Seriously folks, I don't think it would have been that bad, except that it had a dairy type substance in it, and we all know how bad dairy can be.

sick, sick, sick...

Thus, a season of getting robbed begins...

Last week, the Grammy nominations came out (for your FYI: I call my grandmother Grammy, and last year my favorite radio station here did a contest of take your Grammy to the Grammys, I totally wanted to win, but ahh...no luck). Decent nominations, but these nominations don't get me as excited as the nominations for the Golden Globes and the Oscars.

This morning, the Golden Globes were announced and I feel like certain movies were ignored and now, people who totally deserve the awards will be robbed.

For example, Garden State. Not even remotely nominated! ROBBED!!

Scrubs wasn't even nominated for a golden globe. ROBBED!! Zach Braff was, which I'm totally happy about, but the entire show should be nominated as well.

Anyways, the nice thing about the golden globes is that it honors both television and movies, two of my favorite medias (following close behind are music and the internet). Hopefully the globes will be great, and Robin Williams will even win an award this year. January 16, 2005...Put it in your Franklin!

Right Now...

I'm currently reading:
Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister,
Blue Shoe,
The Critical Journey,
and Cry of the Soul.

I'm currently listening to:
Keane

Movies I'm dying to see:
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
In Good Company
Meet the Fockers
Spangilsh
A Very Long Engagement
Hotel Rwanda

Trick Daddy's biggest fear..

Today as I was eating lunch, I happened upon VH1's latest show "John Mayer has a TV show". I'm not kidding. It was hilarious, but here is the funniest part. John Mayer and Trick Daddy were in Nashville and John was trying to get Trick into the spirit of country music. There are scenes of them buying hats, trying on cowboy boots, even singing at a country bar (it was more like rapping). So here's the best part:

John Mayer asked Trick Daddy if he had ever been on eBay. Trick said once, but he was afraid to have his credit card info on the internet. John Mayer says, you've been to jail twice, three times, you have a diamond encrusted AK-47 hanging around your neck and your greatest fear is having your credit card info stolen.

Seriously folks...I haven't laughed out loud like that in ages...So great, I hope it's on again.

ps-I just finished the fall quarter...now, for a month off!!

"in my defense, I was wearing a bikini"

Have you done stupid things and then made up the most ridiculous reasoning for it when you looked back at it the next time around? To me, it appears to happen on a regular basis. Not as regular as when I first got here, but since I have found somewhat of a filter in my mind, the amount of times that it appears to happen has gone down slightly. Something to be said for emotional health I believe.

Like the time at a good Friday when in a discombobulated state of mind I decided that my friend Craig didn't like me and the only reason he did was to hang out with my friend Viv. In this state of mind, I decided that it would be okay for me to erase his number from my phone as the ultimate "we are finished". Okay, not true at all and I know that Craig and I are friends, in fact, I've written blogs on how I enjoy his friendship (in fact, go here or here to prove my point). But that's not the reason for this post. You do stupid things from time to time. To cap this story off, I decided that I would tell him all of this last night at 12:30 am while we were walking home from the used bookstore that is open till 1 am in the city (random Sundays are back baby!). I was thinking he would find this story funny. He did not...Once again, foot in mouth syndrome returns.

But other people do this too, so I don't feel that bad. Like the story of a girl who in a drunken state of mind was trying convince my friend that the girl he might be interested in last boyfriend robbed a bank and she drove the get away car. Seriously folks, I don't care how drunk you are, but come on, there is a point in time where you think about what you said the night before and there has to be some amount of shame.

Or the other story of Ivana from The Apprentice flashed people in order to sell candy bars and her entire defense was that she was wearing a bikini. But she wasn't doing this for friends, she was doing this for a national TV show, so I don't know really why in the world she would say that, but you get what I mean.

Foot in mouth syndrome hurts...Filters people, they are totally worth it.

considering...

There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.

The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open...

-Martha Graham