be ok...

Perhaps one of the most frustrating thing about being unemployed are the reactions I get from others. For those who know someone or themselves have been unemployed, the response is "I'm so sorry. How are you doing?". Yet, for those who have no idea what it is like, here are the response I have received:

Are you loving it?
That's fantastic. What are you doing these days?
Good for you!

WHAT?!?! Good for you?!?!

Um, let's review the facts of the last 5 months: These have not been easy times. They have not been fun. Sure there are moments that are beautiful, that remind me that waiting for the job that is best for me is okay. Most days though, the fear that something may never come is overwhelming.

It's been suggested recently that I look into pharmaceutical sales in the mean time. When I've mentioned it to two people (who don't know each other), they've both said the same thing: That's selling your soul to the devil. I'm not going to lie, the possibility of making $60,000 a year is tempting. But is it worth it?

I recently asked my friends for support. A few people asked what they can do. What I realized I needed came last night as I took my friend Maria home. She spoke some words of truth into my life. That she respected my decision to wait, that it is honorable and no matter what I do, she's there for me. What I need right now is for people to speak the truth into my life. I desperately need is for people to remind me that I am doing more than enough and if I want to wait, it's going to be okay.

And that's what I want. To be okay. I want to know that things are going to be okay, no matter what happens, no matter how long I wait. I think that's part of the reason Ingrid Michaelson's song "Be Ok" is my current repeat song:

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Hopefully someday soon I realize that I will know I will be okay...

Fear

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

For the last month, I have cried almost every day. And I'm not saying that for sympathy, I'm saying that as fact.

I hate being unemployed. I hate it. I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. It forces you to deal with the lies you tell yourself, the reality that they actually might be true and the inability to find the truth in the midst.

Not only do I fear what my reality is, I get stressed out about it on an almost hourly basis. I have 6 weeks until my birthday. And all I want is a job. And right now, I'd almost take any job. While Starbucks provides me with a much needed escape each week, it only provides me with a 12 hour escape.

I know others have it tougher than me and to be honest, I can't always see that reality. Right now, I see my reality.

So, readers (if there are any of you out there), what do you do when you are facing the fear, the stress, the inability to grasp that something bigger and better is out there? Because right now, I can use all the advice I can get.

And it continues

I had a dream recently, one where I was back in Kenya.  The Kenya I knew and fell in love with over the summer.  I was sitting around with my Kenyan friends, laughing and playing spoons.

And the reality slowly becomes that the Kenya I knew and fell in love with this summer is ripping itself apart.  And I become nervous.  My friends are suffering great losses and from here, I have no idea what to do.

I received news this morning that my dear friend Julius has lost a family member in the midst of this saga.  And my fear as Julius flies back to Nairobi is what is going to happen to him while he is there. 

This is huge trauma to Julius and his family, but also to us as his friends.  I know I've asked it before, but what do you do when a place you love is falling apart at the seams?  Until I figure out an answer, I read articles like this and cry over the loss and the helplessness I feel.

hmmm....

Many of you know that I hate to take a risk. I'm afraid of not being in control, of not knowing what will happen at the end. My best friend often says I will marry someone who doesn't like structure and time tables...a risk taker.

I came across this quote this afternoon and it made me ponder risks:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
- Unknown

Right now more than anything, I need to be free. I'm hoping by taking the little risks I am these days, I can find it because I'm starting to feel trapped again.

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this way...so empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.


She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...