So, it's the end of the year

I was driving a friend home last night, and I asked her what she was doing for NYE. She mentioned that she was probably going to the mountains and doing a ritual she created last year. She was going to reflect on the year past, and be intentional about what she wanted, what she needed for the upcoming year. While I was already planning on creating a vision board for 2011, being intentional about what I want hadn't really entered my mind.

It's not a lie to think that 2010 was better than 2009. I mean, really, anything was better than 2009. But I know that 2011 is going to be better. I feel it. I know that it will be a big year. That doesn't mean it won't have its heartbreaks, its own frustrations, its own losses. I am aware of that because 2010 had them. I mean, I have 2 friends acquaintances who owe me money from therapy. They hurt me and they hurt me bad, but let's be honest, that's not the point of this post.

So, I'm working on categories to work through, to be intentional about. Finances, Family, Friends, Health, Relationships, Work, Home. Is there something else I am forgetting? I'll try to post about how this goes.

I'm not so sure...

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

Fear

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

For the last month, I have cried almost every day. And I'm not saying that for sympathy, I'm saying that as fact.

I hate being unemployed. I hate it. I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. It forces you to deal with the lies you tell yourself, the reality that they actually might be true and the inability to find the truth in the midst.

Not only do I fear what my reality is, I get stressed out about it on an almost hourly basis. I have 6 weeks until my birthday. And all I want is a job. And right now, I'd almost take any job. While Starbucks provides me with a much needed escape each week, it only provides me with a 12 hour escape.

I know others have it tougher than me and to be honest, I can't always see that reality. Right now, I see my reality.

So, readers (if there are any of you out there), what do you do when you are facing the fear, the stress, the inability to grasp that something bigger and better is out there? Because right now, I can use all the advice I can get.

You can help!

In response to the last post, I've created a set on my flickr page in order to help the Were family.

This set is to help the Were family find safety.  All profits will be going directly to help this cause.  Should you want to help, please contact me to order prints.

Prices:

5 4x6 -- $5

1 5x7 -- $8

1 8x10 -- $10

All prices include shipping as well as the story involving the picture.

I thank you and the Were family thanks you for your support.

In order to help

On Tuesday, we learned that Julius' brother had been murdered in Kenya. Just when we thought it couldn't get any closer, it has.

Julius left yesterday to fly back to Kenya to help settle his brother's estate and to help find safety for his siblings. And while I am praying for his safety while he is there, I'm seeking another way to help.

Financially, the Were's need money to get out of Kenya. Starting on Saturday, all of my Kenya pictures will be for sale with all the profits going directly to helping the Were family.

Please stop by my flickr page on Saturday to see what you could purchase to help this family get to safety. More details to follow on how to order your pictures.