At least I'm not pregnant

Over the last three years, there have only been a handful of things that are consistent. The Worleys, Great American Beer Festival and my job. I had started with my job as a temp. I was the executive assistant to one of our Chairman for our Cherry Creek office. This was something unlike I had never experienced before. I complained about the needing to change outfits in the middle of the day because I wasn't wearing the proper attire. I had the chance to go to a beautiful hotel and relax completely. I found areas that I am very confident in and areas that should be left alone.

And while I have been wanting to move on for a while, here's the reality of my life. As of today, December 31, I am without a job. My position was dissolved and I will be working at Starbucks until I find something permanent. There are things I will miss about my job, and mostly it's the people. I have some good friendships at my office. We have a routine there. I will miss those people. I will miss my discussions about The Hills, ANTM, and The Office. I will miss the events that I planned, the areas of strengths I developed and the chances I was given. But at the same, it's time for me to move on. My passion doesn't lay in the financial services area, it's not the best area for me and what I believe to be true about me. And at the end of the day, what I do from 8-5 Monday through Friday, doesn't get me out of bed in the morning. In fact, it makes me want to stay in bed.

But as the news is slowly getting out, the overwhelming question is "what are you going to do next?". I wish I had a more eloquent answer than "I just don't know yet". I have over 50 resumes out in the Denver area. I have applied for things that I don't qualify for to things that I am over-qualified for. I have applied to jobs just to apply and have had two jobs that I really wanted deny me. But unfortunately, I have no idea what is going to happen next. And while I appreciate everyone asking me and their concern, it's a similar question to "why are you still single?". I have no idea how to answer either, so my new standard answer is "well, at least I'm not pregnant.".

I have no idea what the future holds. Actually, that's a lie, I do. I know it involves cleaning the hell out of my place, searching and applying for jobs that I want, spending time with Rowds, breathing deeply, enjoying some much needed space. Sure this might mean that I might have to stay at Starbucks part time a little bit longer and sure this might mean facing some deeper issues about being alone and sacrificing a constant going out, but hey...

At least I'm not pregnant...

soul purge

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result." Gandhi

The ebb and flow of life seems to be messing with my mind and my soul recently. I had so many expectations for 2008. That "2008 will be great" feeling was upon me when the clock struck midnight on December 31st.

And the reality is, what I’ve seen 2008 to be thus far hasn’t been fun to watch. I’ve pretty much owned up to a major downfall in my life, and I’m not allowing for much grace for myself or from others.

I feel like the goals I’ve set for myself a while ago really aren’t happening. I’m not being as proactive on some of them as I had hoped to be and there have been harsh realities in dealing with the others.

I was telling a friend today that I feel like I’ve let myself down over the last month and half. And not only that, but I feel like situations and people have let me down.

And the reality is, I’d much rather hide and stick to the life I’ve created in my house than face the reality outside. Becoming a recluse is really what I want to do.

If you had talked to me on Thursday, you would have thought I could have taken over the world. I had finally resolved the fact that a guy I had been chatting with on eHarmony had cut the ties (considering I haven’t heard from him in ages) and that I had received the apology I so deserved from my ex. I felt like I was winning the break-up in that situation. I even had enough courage on Friday to talk to guy in my building that has caught my eye for a while now. Friday night, I could speak to anyone with the courage and strength that had been pushed out of me for a while.

Then over the weekend, I had time to think. I thought about the relationships I have in my life, the new and the old ones. I thought about love. I thought about change. I thought about the reality of what I know to be true and how I don’t feel any of that truth on a regular basis. I thought about some of the situations I was in, and how I loved most of them, and others made me frustrated beyond words. I thought about the lack of grace I give myself and how easily I tend to give it to others. I thought about selfish decisions, about grasping, about the bottom. I thought about Denver and the hope it once had and how now I’m realizing that hope was never there and has never been here.

So what do you when in one moment you feel empowered and in the next realize your reality is pretty much not what you had hoped it to be? Do you tuck and hide or do you cling to the empowerment and figure out what your grasp is when the wind is blowing?

A little over a year ago

I wrote about how I was freaking out because I was asked to help with the marketing department while the marketing director was on maternity leave.

At the time, I had no idea what I was doing nor did I feel qualified to help. I have no background in marketing, and why I was chosen, I still have no idea.

Today I found out that she is having baby number 2 this afternoon. And while I am not freaking out as I did a year ago, I still feel like I am in for a doozy of a time. Doing it all by myself...again.

At least this time I feel prepared for it.

You dance like no one's watching

in light of all that is happening...I need this song to help me to remember that this is big and good and so incredible.

And of course to dance like no one is watching...

Colorful by Rocco Deluca and the Burden

You swim like you're on fire
Live like your last day
Drink like it's water
There's no tomorrow
And you think no one can hear you
Raise your hands to be called on
You know all the answers

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You dance like no one's watching
Sing 'till the song ends
Then you sing some more
And we can hardly believe it
Words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You are an enigma walking
Make no excuses for the way that you carry on
And we can hardly believe it
The words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water, girl

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen

You are so colorful
You are so colorful

You are the most beautifl thing that I've ever seen

choosing the good

What I need to remember about choosing the good is that I don't control it...the anxiousness, worry, and trouble I feel isn't about the good, it's about my desire to control the good.

I need to remember that I deserve the good, that it is what is wanted for me, and that if I try to control it, I'm actually moving away from the good...

I want the good, I just feel like it is slipping through my fingers...

I stop and feel my feet on the floor

This month, might be a crazy one.

There is so much going on that I'm having to remember that my feet are on the floor.

Case and point, I'm moving in 30 days. Which is always a good and bad thing. Moving causes me to stress out, clean out, do things I need to do. And I'm so ready to be done with my neighborhood...it's hard walking down the street with the constant fear of running into someone who has ill feelings towards you.

Oh, and there are work things I can't talk about yet.

And I'm going to Mardi Gras next weekend, which again is both a fun and stressful event. I hoping it will be more fun than anything.

and I'm still trying to raise money for Kenya.

And it's f-ing cold and snowing again in Denver.

So as I remember that my feet are on the floor, and that this is the delightful terror that I know will push me closer to the Trinity, it's my hope that I don't get overwhelmed and not remember where I am going or how I got there.