Saturday, March 31, 2007

On Becoming a Domestic Goddess

In my previous life, I would spend Saturdays lounging around, getting coffee, doing nothing...however after purchasing the house, things have changed.

This Saturday proves this point. On my list of things to do, laundry, go to Home Depot, clean the top level of my house, watch the new sofa be delivered and maybe go to the grocery store.

I think the most surprising thing on that list is going to Home Depot. I have to buy pots and soil to replant some housewarming gifts. I've never had a green thumb, I once killed a plastic plant. So having four living things in my house and I feel like I'm neglecting them. Oh, and I need hedge clippers because supposedly I have a couple of rose bushes on my back porch. It all feels a little daunting to me.

So, I'm off to the Depot. I'm hoping I can navigate my way around the store. I have a strong suspicion that the Depot is like a drug, you can't just get away once.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Got 14 minutes to spare?

Then watch this video sent to me by my friend Sara (perhaps the best part, the wonderful graphics done in microsoft paint):

Sunday, March 25, 2007


I just received my final tab for the trip and this is how much I have left to raise.

I often fear that I'm not going to make it. My friend Bri is a rockstar and only has like $380 left to raise. She's kicking ass and taking names as she gets all of her funds in way before she even has to.

I'm trying to remain faithful, that it will all come together, but sometimes it's hard to remember...

So, still looking for donors...near and far. Please consider giving...go here.

I'm feeling that I could get desperate really quick and I don't want to be desperate.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I felt so loved this weekend

In 2005, I had the best birthday. Friends sitting around a dinner table, not needing to carry the conversation, but letting the conversation flow, enjoying each other, feeling loved in ways I had never experienced.

In 2006, well, it sucked. I couldn't understand why people who had never had a desire to be in relationship with me showed up. Granted, I did invite them, but they could have said no. I sat there and watched 2 women come late and leave early and I thought I was friends with these people. 2 men hijacked my TV to watch the basketball games instead of celebrating me, because the silence was too much to bear. What we did afterward, I don't remember, and trying to forget that birthday is worth it.

However, this year was beautiful. Thursday night, I started off with dinner with friends. We went to the Cricket, enjoyed burgers and beers, laughing, talking and simply being. It felt like a family dinner. Friday I took off from work, i wanted to celebrate my day fully. I slept in, watched Dawson's Creek, made the best breakfast burrito ever, went to the Container Store, lunch with Sara and then to the DU gymnastics meet. It was great...Saturday night we went to the Front Porch, drank for free (at least I did), laughed, danced and felt appreciated.

That's the word...appreciated.

In the last year, in friendships that ended, as I reflected back I realized I wasn't appreciated. These people walked over me, told me that I matter, yet never showed it. While I fought for our friendship, asked for the hard conversations, wanted to sit in honesty, they did not. And while I grieved that on my birthday, what I know now is that Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights were all about being appreciated.

So to all that participated, thank made my year and makes me truly want to live into 2007.

Saturday, March 17, 2007


These are the mornings I miss Chicago. Here's why...

Starting tomorrow, I'm actually taking Bob Green's book seriously. And maybe by telling the entire world this, I'll actually stay on top of it. Getting more exercise, eating better, taking vitamins are all on the list of things I need to do. I'm really hoping 2007 can be a year marked by wholistic health, and while I've made progress on mental and emotional health (thanks to my therapist) and relational health (thanks to my friends), I still need to get the physical health side down.

But today feels like the last day to get everything in. And while Bob Green is amazing and doesn't put those types of restrictions on your eating the very first 4 weeks (see, he understands that it's more than just changing your eating, he knows it's deeper than that), I want to gorge today. And what I want right now are delicious, full of fat, chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnuts from Dunkin' Doughnuts and a cup of French Vanilla Coffee. Damn you Colorado for only having 1 in Colorado Springs. I'm desperate, but not that desperate to drive 2 hours for a doughnut.

I guess I'll just have something good

Friday, March 16, 2007

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” -- Abraham Lincoln

27...late 20's...3 years till 30.

So this is what it means to be an adult. To buy a home, make a career change, to become more mature.

When the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve, my thought was 2007 can only be better than both 2005 or 2006 combined. Both had been horrible years, years I'd like to forget.

And so far 2007 has been better. I've made better choices, choices that are best for me and my development. I took a risk and bought a home and every day I wake up knowing that I love it more and more than I ever could. I accepted a new job offer (in the same company), one that is going to challenge me for days to come. I've looked across tables into friends eyes, knowing that I want to be with them for the rest of my life, no matter how hard or easy it gets.

My hope for my 27th year is that I live into it fully. That with every day, I realize for everything I am grateful for. That even in the hard moments, when my life is spinny, I will rely on friends who continually support me. That I will release the bitter feelings towards those who hurt me in the year past, especially those I thought were my friends. I want to take a photography class, I want to run another 5k (at the end of April). To go to Kenya and feel the risk of having my life changed completely.

So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

too good not to pass on

my friend Sara shared this with me last night and I can't stop playing it... enjoy!

Some where along the way

When I started this in July of 2004, I only had a few goals:

1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis. (basically, I was tired of sending -- or claiming to send -- support letters to my supporters during my internship. This way, people could read how I was doing, what I was doing on a daily basis)

2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you. (Which I have, I could have created an iMix based upon all the music I've put on here, opened up a library with all the great quotes I've used. But I wanted to share the cultural experience I was having with others)

3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently. (This has become my place to process).

So, along the way, I've somehow had over 20,000 readers. While I understand some of the people who read this (people in Kansas City, Chicago, Denver), it's the people in Spain, Africa, India, China, England that shock me. How did they ever find me and what got them reading? I've processed almost everything on here, my 2nd and 3rd year of the internship, my decision to move to Denver, the disappointment in moving to Denver, the beautiful friends that have stuck by me in Denver, the ones who blatantly turned their back on me, the random quotes, the random stories.

Where will the next 20,000 take me? I have no idea. It's taken me almost 3 years to get 20,000 readers, so in 2010, who knows where I'll go.

But thanks for stopping by and reading. It's pretty damn cool if you think about it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I don't know who you are

But whomever left the anonymous comment on my blog last night, I thank you. Your words, were felt deep in my soul and my tears that fell could only express the hope I felt. So thank have no idea how much it meant to me to hear those, especially if they came from someone I don't know...

"Someday you will hear that ... or something to that effect. The expressiveness in your words speaks of a heart that is a bottomless ocean of love, intelligence and tenderness ... someday, someone will be wise enough to appreciate and cherish it."

Monday, March 12, 2007

Is it wrong?

That I want this in my life, for my birthday, for someone to speak this to me? Is that too much to ask for on the eve of 27?

Tell Her This by Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

why today did good for my soul

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that my last week was rough. It had to do with the lies in my head, lies that were perpetrated by my experience in Denver. When these lies are given fuel, they often spiral my life out of control. Tuesday and Wednesday were hell for me.

Friday night, I spent some time at my house, relaxing and then going to play perhaps one of the greatest games ever. I went to bed early, knowing that Saturday would require me to get some stuff done. Saturday I needed to do some laundry, unpack some boxes, put some stuff away. I got groceries, nothing big, but needed...desperately. My friend J is dating this great girl and she invited us to a party. We went, dressed as cowboys and had a great time. I went home around 6:30, exhausted and wanted some space. I went to bed early because J and I were going to mountains this morning.

However, those plans were thwarted by both J and I. Instead, here's how I spent today. I made breakfast, I went to Target, I sat on my front porch, listening to music and enjoying the 65 degree weather. I read a magazine, I bought a new trashcan and I'm now watching the selection show.

What does this all mean? It doesn't mean that my soul is automatically better in light of the last week. It does mean that I'm starting off this week in a good place, a better place than last week. It means that I feel hope-filled to celebrate my birthday with friends and free drinks. It hopefully means enjoying my Friday off by sleeping in, going shopping and just enjoying the day.

So here's to my front porch, my 65 degree weather, and to the sunshine and blue's to making my week, my birthday week better.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

the victim mentality continues

(god willing, it ends soon)

What if I am blocking God from transforming me?

What if I'm afraid to move, ask, question, respond, change?

What if I am the cause and the effect?

What if I gave up on my desire to be loved in a way that I have never experienced?

What if that is what surrendering looks like?

Would things change?

Cause I can't continue to fight for some things I don't know are true...

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...

Sunday, March 04, 2007

1 night in...

and the beauty of it is that I slept like a rock last night. Especially since I haven't slept well for over a week and a half.

To feel the comfort to sleep so well, where there aren't crazy homeless men outside my window, sirens constantly going off and to just feel the comfort of my own bed...that is love.

Friday, March 02, 2007

there is a reason I love this...

can you figure it out?

I guess this day has been in the making for years...

As an 11 year old, I (well, my parents and I) made the decision to not be a maid in Mardi Gras. Taking off weeks at a time for school just didn't seem like fun. So, we took my money that I had received from my grandparents and invested it.

And it sat...

And it sat...

When I moved to Chicago, I considered buying something, but didn't...buying something for 3 years didn't make sense to me.

And then I moved here. Here where expectations were blown out of the water, where I couldn't find a place to belong, thought it was me, realized it wasn't. Here where I've discovered how strong I could be, and ultimately a place where I can call it home. Despite all that happened here, all the pain, I have found joy.

And on the eve of my move, I am realizing how overwhelmed I feel. Boxes still need to be packed. Things need to be cleaned. Life needs to slow down...

I'm ready, I keep telling myself that. I'm ready for this day, for tomorrow, and I'm ready to be done. To feel the carpet underneath my feet and know it's mine. To paint a wall one day and change it the next.

To be away from a neighborhood filled with so many bad memories.

So, here I go...a commitment that I can't believe I'm taking and fall head first into the deep unknown of being a home owner...

And while tomorrow I'll be moving, Sunday holds the day of simply being in my new home...and realizing it's all mine...