grabbing life, well, by the balls

In recent days, I've been depressed. In light of ending things with the guy I was seeing for the last 6 months (which, I guess, was a good thing), I fell back into a state of what's the point. But within the last few days, I've decided to become proactive on my life. I had begun to feel complacent and angry and bitter. I don't like feeling any of those things, so I've decided to take charge.

I started knitting lessons. Yes, knitting. My inner-grandmother loves it. And in reality, I love it too. It calms my mind and allows me to just be. Just being is something I struggle with. I constantly need to be doing something. Knitting helps remind me to breathe and drop my shoulders.

The other thing I've done is signed up for a tennis league. I played in high school (a random fact you all might not know about me) but I haven't picked up a racquet since then. But I've wanted to relearn. I live across the street to 6 courts and I'm jealous of those people playing. Plus, I want to become more active and meet more people (and by people, I mean cute boys). This league gives lessons and then you play doubles. It seems ideal. So, come Monday nights, I'll be playing.

I've also signed up for a beer and cheese tasting. Two things I love: beer and cheese.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care if others join me. I want to do what I want to do. I want to not look back and be regretful that I haven't more things.

So, here goes nothing. Actually, here's to grabbing life by the balls.

Less than 2 weeks away

By this point in 2 weeks, I will have turned 30. I will have celebrated with my girlfriends in Denver over dinner and will be getting ready for 3 friends to come in to celebrate with me that weekend. I'm really looking forward to that part; the whole actually admitting that I'm 30, well, that's a different story.

I had started out the year with 12 goals. With the year being 3 months in and my birthday being less than 2 weeks away, here's my grades currently:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday current grade: D- I have taken some strides but not enough. Plans are being set for this to change here shortly.


2. Live within a budget for 12 months grade: C. I did decent the first month and a half. However, I need to get back on track. I am doing much better than I was, that's for damn sure.

3. Go on a vacation grade: C. I haven't planned anything, nor have I made any plans. Hopefully that will change soon.

4. Read at least 1 book a month grade: A+ What I have read: The Lost Symbol and The Help. What I am currently reading: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match

5. Take a class on a new skill grade: B- I've signed up for a knitting class starting in April :)

6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded grade: A+++ seriously, I realize now that this is a blessing and so much better for my spirit. Also, having a roommate has help.

7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis) grade: F I haven't made any decisions on this.

8. Turn off the tv for a month grade: B I have decided that June is my month and we'll see how it goes.

9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together) grade: F She and I haven't even spoken about it.

10. Climb a 14'ner next summer grade: B- I have spoken to my friend J about it and she's willing to help, so that's a step in the right direction

11. Finally get my tattoo. grade: D- I still have no idea what I would get, where I could get it (I'm not getting a tramp stamp) and when I would get it.

12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be grade: C- I'm getting better with this, however, I still have moments (almost daily) where I struggle with my expectation management. But, like I said, it's getting better....

Less than 2 weeks...here goes nothing...

things needed...a pause button

There are 210 days left until it happens. It...the dreaded 30th birthday.

Here's the thing: I wish that I could pause my life like I do often on my tivo. I am so nervous about my 30th. Where I thought I would be and were I am are on such different planes, I often think they are traveling to Tokyo and Nairobi at the same time.

And I don't want to have a pity party, but it's true. Turning 30 might be in the 10 list of my greatest fears, only behind abandonment and loose teeth. I remember distinctly what I said my freshman year of college as to where I would be at 25. And obviously, that didn't happen. Yes, I did survive the "failure" of dreams then, so perhaps this is survivable too.

But what do you do? When you are facing a milestone, in a year that could easily be one of the worst? What do you do when you are laying on the floor of your living room, questioning what was and what is and what will be? Do you simply rely on the present, remembering that your feet are firmly on the floor or pine away for the future?

And while the 210 days slowly tick away, I begin to think of all that is yet to be accomplished and how to delight in what I have done, where I am, and who I am. But, and if I am honest with you dear Internet, the joy is short in comparison with the long list of things I should have accomplished by now.

That's why I wish my life came with a pause button. I want to stop now, accomplish what I want and continue on before 30. I want to rewind and relive the highs and fast forward the lows. I want to cherish the laughter, the tears, the growth with a slow motion button and at the end of it all, I want to save it so I can watch it again later.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work like tivo. And until I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it to, I'll look toward the 30th birthday with a bit of fear and a sense of what if.

Thanksgiving 2007

Yesterday, I took a big step further into adulthood.

I cooked my first turkey and in all honesty, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. And Thanksgiving ended up being a great day. Jodi, Christen, Anthony, AJ, Dave, and I had a great time eating, playing Apples to Apples and watching "While You Were Sleeping".

It's interesting looking over the last three year's and what Thanksgiving has held. The first year seemed to be a family setting, but as I reflected over it, it was just masking the truth that was there. Last year provided healing and freedom. This year was about trying something out and relaxing in my home with friends, laughing really hard, having good, stress-free conversations and enjoying what the last year has held. It actually really made me excited for the Christmas slumber party the girls and I are having for Christmas Day.

All in all, this whole adult thing is getting better...it will be interesting to see what the end of the year holds and what the next level of adultness will be.

What I realized today

So, I'm currently on the search for a new winter coat. And I think I've found the one I want, but I've decided to keep looking...just in case. (Side note, the coat I really wanted was at Nordstrom last year and I'm kicking myself for not buying it.)

Anyways, while I was at the mall, I stepped into Old Navy. I use to love Old Navy. In fact, I would say at one point, I only bought my clothes from Old Navy.

But today, as I stepped into the store, I realized that I no longer want to buy clothes from Old Navy.

I think I've out grown Old Navy. I have no idea where I will now shop for casual clothes, but I'm sure I can find places.

However, no matter what, Old Navy will be my place for pajamas no matter how old I get.

On Becoming a Domestic Goddess

In my previous life, I would spend Saturdays lounging around, getting coffee, doing nothing...however after purchasing the house, things have changed.

This Saturday proves this point. On my list of things to do, laundry, go to Home Depot, clean the top level of my house, watch the new sofa be delivered and maybe go to the grocery store.

I think the most surprising thing on that list is going to Home Depot. I have to buy pots and soil to replant some housewarming gifts. I've never had a green thumb, I once killed a plastic plant. So having four living things in my house and I feel like I'm neglecting them. Oh, and I need hedge clippers because supposedly I have a couple of rose bushes on my back porch. It all feels a little daunting to me.

So, I'm off to the Depot. I'm hoping I can navigate my way around the store. I have a strong suspicion that the Depot is like a drug, you can't just get away once.