According to Bell Biv Devoe, I should not be trusted

Recently, Marie Claire gave the okay to publish a blog entitled "Should fatties get a room?". The author mentioned that watching 2 overweight people kiss gives her the shivers and that they should not find love or for that matter, make love.

I won't lie and most of my readers know this about me anyways. I have struggled with my weight since I was in middle school. I have never been skinny. And living in a part of Kansas City where perfection was expected was hard. I lived in a real Beverly Hills, 90120. My clothing has always been in the double digits. My lowest weight wasn't due to healthy eating and exercise. It was due to being on fen-phen. I eat when I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am upset. I know that I am an emotional eater. I also know that I love a good cheeseburger.

It was last year, when in the midst of losing my job and gaining about 15 pounds that I finally started to give myself grace. I liked myself. I have curves, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very good. And it took one comment from someone I love to take that all away. All the forward progression I had made was now in one giant leap backwards because I wasn't thin enough for their expectations.

People like the author of the Marie Claire article think that they can get away with bullying. That these are just sentences in a blog that no one will really pay attention to. Unfortunately for Ms. Kelly, she is now in heated waters over bullying a majority of the population. She's probably right in her "apology" that she wrote this piece out of a place of hatred that she towards her own body. However, while a society continues to deem that you be "perfect" and "skinny", her article only continues to fuel the fire of poor self-image amongst our population.

Take it from me. I know what it's like to have a poor self-image. I'm working on it. One day I'll actually like myself. Until then, I focus on the few things I do like about myself. It's a long, hard road, and eventually, I'll get there.

the most authentic thing I've read

My friend Jared recently posted on his experience in moving to Denver. And while I've only danced around the issue, never fully putting it in writing what exactly happened when I moved here, he says exactly what did (at least in his own life).

To get a taste of what his experience was like and to read the most authentic piece I've read in a while, please go here.

Some where along the way

When I started this in July of 2004, I only had a few goals:

1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis. (basically, I was tired of sending -- or claiming to send -- support letters to my supporters during my internship. This way, people could read how I was doing, what I was doing on a daily basis)

2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you. (Which I have, I could have created an iMix based upon all the music I've put on here, opened up a library with all the great quotes I've used. But I wanted to share the cultural experience I was having with others)

3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently. (This has become my place to process).

So, along the way, I've somehow had over 20,000 readers. While I understand some of the people who read this (people in Kansas City, Chicago, Denver), it's the people in Spain, Africa, India, China, England that shock me. How did they ever find me and what got them reading? I've processed almost everything on here, my 2nd and 3rd year of the internship, my decision to move to Denver, the disappointment in moving to Denver, the beautiful friends that have stuck by me in Denver, the ones who blatantly turned their back on me, the random quotes, the random stories.

Where will the next 20,000 take me? I have no idea. It's taken me almost 3 years to get 20,000 readers, so in 2010, who knows where I'll go.

But thanks for stopping by and reading. It's pretty damn cool if you think about it.

a reminder of truth...

"My existential journey involved struggling with this quote from Thomas Merton: "Why should I desire anything that cannot give me God, and why should I fear anything that cannot take God away from me?" This led me into an experience of "unknowing" that liberated me from an unhealthy desire to control my relation to God through propositions and an unhealthy fear of admitting that my understanding of God would always need to be reformed and reforming."
--F. LeRon Shults