Sunday, December 26, 2004
three screen names you have: goldfish847, ChiTownRagazza, mes9193
three things you like about yourself: the fact my eyes change colors, my smile, my sense of humor
three things you hate/dislike about yourself: my sarcastic nature, my contemptuous side, my lack of trust (in almost everything, including myself)
three parts of your heritage: French, Lebanese, English
three things that scare you: spiders, snakes, scary movies
three of your everyday essentials: Creation, a good laugh, a good friend
three things you are wearing right now: jeans, a sweater, my birks
three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Counting Crows, Damien Rice, The Shinns
three of your favorite songs at present: the new one by Simple Plan, Fair by Remy Zero, The only living boy in New York
three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: moving, getting a job, dating someone
three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): honesty, authenticity, fun
two truths and a lie: I've lived in New Orleans, I've been to France and England, I've lived in New Jersey
three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeal to you: great eyes, good hands, caring heart
three things you just can't do: sing, though I try to prove myself wrong; sew, speak Spanish
three of your favorite hobbies: cooking, reading, photography
three things you want to do really badly right now: take a nap, go shopping, get a massage
three careers you're considering: Counselor, Wedding coordinator, Chef
three places you want to go on vacation: a beach, the mountains, New York City
three kids names: Presley Olivia, Lydia Grace, Ethan
three things you want to do before you die: go to Africa, author a book on youth ministry, backpack through Europe
three people you want to take this quiz now : Tiff, and anyone else who has read this...
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
The following was taken out of today's Kansas City Star newspaper...enjoy!
We found these handy tips on holiday eating in our email:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if your going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone! Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same forpies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have a two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mentionfruitcake? Granted, its' loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas...an update from KC soon!
Thursday, December 16, 2004
2004 has been a rollercoaster to say the very least. It started off with me in Elevate and now I'm in Promiseland/Community Care. My time at Elevate needed to end, for my soul, for my sanity. I've loved my transition to Promiseland/Community Care. Working with families who are going through a divorce or trying to learn how to make their marriage work is something that intrigues me. Writing small group curriculum, meeting with potential leaders, spending time with coaches...these are areas that I love doing and don't drain me. For me, rediscovering that I really do love family dynamics and that my college education wasn't so random is great...now if they would only offer me a job.
School wise, I can't believe that I have three classes left in my master's program. 3 classes, 2 quarters, 1 intensive...I don't you truly grasp what that means unless you've experienced the rollercoaster that is Willow. I have learned so much over the past year, about theology, about leadership, about the church in general. It all started last February sitting in a Systematic Theology Class with F. LeRon Shults and having my world flipped upside down was hard, but good and progressing through each course, I finally feel like I have a better grasp on my own theology for the first time ever. My statement of faith (my senior thesis) will help me realize all that I truly believe and though it is overwhelming to write, I'm actually excited to do it. While Bethel as a whole has been lackluster, the individuals that I have met while I am there for 2 weeks in February and July have been the best part of the experience...to my favorite Brit...Classes wouldn't be the same without you!
Of course, the major thing that has changed over the past year would be me. I have worked through some of my core issues, only to realize that I will always deal with them and at the same time realize that I am coming into adulthood...the little 22 year old girl that walked into the program 2 1/2 years ago isn't the same 24 year old woman she is today. I've learned countless things about my leadership, how to lead up, how to grieve with the appropriate people, how to use the filter in my mind on a somewhat regular basis. I have read books that have changed my life, books that I doubt I would have read anytime in the near future, books that I feel every single person should read (in fact, go to Amazon now to order either this one or this one). When I started the program, my friend Dee helped me to see that I am so fortunate to be learning and working through all of this now as opposed to when I am burnt out on ministry and shaking my fists towards a God I claimed was so distant. I've come to realize that my intensity and my passion has never fully come out with anyone including God and thus this begins my latest journey into 2005.
And what do I expect from 2005? I don't know. Expectations are funny things. You must realize your desires and then set your expectations. So, what are my desires? To fully be known and to know, to learn how to love more deeply than I have ever done before, to learn how to fully forgive people from my past and my present, to lead people in such a way that they fully experience the love of the Trinity in fresh new ways...So, what do I expect? I expect that God will show up and I expect that I will be transformed.
And so to you, blog reader, I wish you a very merry Christmas, a joyful new year, and the most unexpected 2005.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I hate scary movies, blood, loose teeth on children, and vomit (both my own and others).
So, this morning, I was taking out the trash because Tuesday is trash day in the wonderful world of Cary, and the bag broke open at the bottom of the staircase.
I was gagging the entire time as I put the trash into a new trash bag. I had to spray Lysol, plug in an air freshener, and wash my hands about 15 times.
Seriously folks, I don't think it would have been that bad, except that it had a dairy type substance in it, and we all know how bad dairy can be.
sick, sick, sick...
Monday, December 13, 2004
This morning, the Golden Globes were announced and I feel like certain movies were ignored and now, people who totally deserve the awards will be robbed.
For example, Garden State. Not even remotely nominated! ROBBED!!
Scrubs wasn't even nominated for a golden globe. ROBBED!! Zach Braff was, which I'm totally happy about, but the entire show should be nominated as well.
Anyways, the nice thing about the golden globes is that it honors both television and movies, two of my favorite medias (following close behind are music and the internet). Hopefully the globes will be great, and Robin Williams will even win an award this year. January 16, 2005...Put it in your Franklin!
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister,
The Critical Journey,
and Cry of the Soul.
I'm currently listening to:
Movies I'm dying to see:
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
In Good Company
Meet the Fockers
A Very Long Engagement
Friday, December 10, 2004
John Mayer asked Trick Daddy if he had ever been on eBay. Trick said once, but he was afraid to have his credit card info on the internet. John Mayer says, you've been to jail twice, three times, you have a diamond encrusted AK-47 hanging around your neck and your greatest fear is having your credit card info stolen.
Seriously folks...I haven't laughed out loud like that in ages...So great, I hope it's on again.
ps-I just finished the fall quarter...now, for a month off!!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Like the time at a good Friday when in a discombobulated state of mind I decided that my friend Craig didn't like me and the only reason he did was to hang out with my friend Viv. In this state of mind, I decided that it would be okay for me to erase his number from my phone as the ultimate "we are finished". Okay, not true at all and I know that Craig and I are friends, in fact, I've written blogs on how I enjoy his friendship (in fact, go here or here to prove my point). But that's not the reason for this post. You do stupid things from time to time. To cap this story off, I decided that I would tell him all of this last night at 12:30 am while we were walking home from the used bookstore that is open till 1 am in the city (random Sundays are back baby!). I was thinking he would find this story funny. He did not...Once again, foot in mouth syndrome returns.
But other people do this too, so I don't feel that bad. Like the story of a girl who in a drunken state of mind was trying convince my friend that the girl he might be interested in last boyfriend robbed a bank and she drove the get away car. Seriously folks, I don't care how drunk you are, but come on, there is a point in time where you think about what you said the night before and there has to be some amount of shame.
Or the other story of Ivana from The Apprentice flashed people in order to sell candy bars and her entire defense was that she was wearing a bikini. But she wasn't doing this for friends, she was doing this for a national TV show, so I don't know really why in the world she would say that, but you get what I mean.
Foot in mouth syndrome hurts...Filters people, they are totally worth it.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
On Sunday we had the following conversation:
"Oh I have a voice mail."
"Maybe Zach Morris called asking if he could get his phone back."
Tonight, as I was putting on my coat, my phone fell out of my pocket and onto the floor. The battery is now being held on by masking tape. Perhaps if I submit to MTV, Xzbit will come and pimp my phone.
I do not put up decorations prior to Thanksgiving, I do not keep them up later than New Years Day.
I do not listen to Christmas music every single second of every single day up until Christmas.
I do like to watch the Plaza lights come on, I do enjoy watching Elf, Charlie Brown's Christmas and Christmas Vacation in order to get into the holiday spirit.
But what my office did today to get people to come to the Christmas party was a step too far.
They had a grown man, dressed as Buddy the Elf, walk around, handing people invitations, attached to a Coke bottle (a real one for that matter), quoting the movie and making sure that people would come to the party.
A little over the line in my book...what happens when your office has a Christmas party?
Monday, November 29, 2004
Anyways, because of this idea that everyone and their mother wants to know more about me, here's the latest.
I think I'm getting sick, which totally sucks because I'm trying to finish up school work (2 weeks left, 2 papers, and a vocab quiz). Stuffy nose, sore throat (which came before the stuffy nose), a little cough. I had bronchitis my first year here, I can't afford (literally and figuratively) to get sick.
Curses to you common cold!
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
It's not that I don't have the house to myself often (in fact I do), but it still doesn't feel like a home. Does that make sense? All of my places in college felt like a home, and even the little place I had here my first year was home, but this still doesn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong...I love living with my roommate. She's fun and fantastic, but there are times when it is hard.
I'm ready to move. I'm ready to have a place to myself, where I decide the decorating that happens and I'm ready to be in charge. I'm ready to be in charge in my head, financially right now, I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. But that's a different story.
I'm ready for a new location. I'm ready for a change of scenery. My friend Viv and I were talking the other day and she was mentioning about how she changed everything in her life 4 years ago and she just isn't ready to change everything quite yet. I'm the exact opposite. For me, I'm use to moving every 3 years, so this feels natural to want to change.
In the past, I have been questioned about my longevity with a church/house/ministry. About every 3 years I get the itch to move, to change, to do something different. Granted Kansas City is the longest I have ever called a place home, but even in KC, I changed stuff around. BVN and LMS were the only places I stayed for a long time. I switched churches, from Colonial to Heartland in a span of 3 years. I switched part time jobs, Nill Brothers, Gap, Wal-Mart pharmacy, Houlihan's. Two lasted a year and a half, two lasted 3 months. I'm realizing that this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know if I'll ever call a place home because I'm use to moving so much.
I realize I'm babbling, but isn't that what the blog is for?
Someone asked me recently what I wanted my last 6 months to be marked by. I told him that there were things I still needed to learn, about myself, about leadership, about ministry. I told him that I wasn't hesitant about going further on the transformational journey, which is a new feeling. And I told him what I really wanted my last 199 days to be marked as investing in friendships.
For example, Kristen. I feel like I've known Kristen the entire 3 years I have been here, but it has only been recently that I have gotten to know Kristen. I have felt like she and I could be soul mates...but we are still getting to know each other. I love spending time with her; she makes me laugh, she wants to fall more in love with Jesus and yet she still understands that we shouldn't live the closed off life. I feel like our friendship really took off on July 4 this year when we went to the city to see the Counting Crows and we both love that band. It was an amazing night and I can't wait to get to know her better over the next 6 months.
And of course there is Craig. We really do have a sibling relationship with each other and for a while we didn't hang out much because we both were in the midst of transitions, but I feel like there is an opportunity for us to become better friends. There are times when I'm sure like any sibling relationship we need space for each other (especially since he is on this kick where he believes he is an I on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test and I'm an off the chart E) but I really do enjoy having him in my life.
And then there is Toni. She and I have met through Axis (I tend to meet people there) and we clicked right away. We tend to do lunch once a month at Chili's (a staple restaurant for those of us who work at Willow) and yet I feel like she and I could continue to be friends after I leave. I really want to get to know her better and see what happens in 199 days.
Of course though, I want to continue in my friendships with Viv, Cookie, Sara, Nicky, and my boys (Scotty, APes, Chick, Tobs, Tobs, Potter). My life wouldn't be the same without these people.
It's weird to be spending a major holiday without my family, without being in KC. If it hadn't snowed today, I'd be tempted to drive home. But I'm excited to be here, celebrating it with the Millers and enjoying the house to myself.
All this was said in order for me to say HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING. There is a lot to be thankful for this year. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for that has happened today, this week, this month, this year. It will draw you closer to the heart of God, which is where I believe transformation can really begin to happen.
Monday, November 22, 2004
There, that feels better.
I don't know if many of you knew that about me, but it's true. I love musicals. I love the set designs, I love the costumes, I love the music and the talent that comes from the stage. I love seeing people who most likely have to work two jobs because they cannot afford to live off their passion, give it their all in order for people to get lost in the story. I get their passion, and because my money situation is tough right now, I understand how that passion often pushes you to go beyond the current boundary you have for yourself.
I own soundtracks of musicals, both live shows and movies that I listen to and sing along with. I've seen only a handful, but I love going to them. There is the little actress inside me that was stifled long ago when a friend told me during our 8th grade play that I was only given the part because I looked like the character (curses to you Ashley Moore). After that, I didn't want to do it because I didn't believe I had the talent to do it.
My friend Craig wants me to do spoken word pieces for Axis and the first time I did it I was so scared because I didn't think I could do it. I loved it, I hope he asks me to do it again sometime.
"Wicked", "Les Miserables" and "Mamma Mia" are all coming to Chicago. I'd do anything to see all of them. My hope is that I get to, I just need to save up the cash to go. Until then, I'll continue to sing along in my car to CD's of shows I wish I had the talent to be in.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
It's 1:46 am, and I should be in bed, asleep, but I can't sleep.
Perhaps I'm still buzzing off the amazing set U2 played tonight on SNL and it's a reminder of how I will do almost anything to go to their next concert. I'd even be willing to come to KC for it.
Perhaps it's because I met with my mentor today and her words of amazing wisdom are still rolling around in my head.
And because I can't sleep and I don't have a fun book to read (I'm taking suggestions), I decided to look at pictures. These were pictures of my years in college. My freshman year -- the dorm, Ichthus, a Young Life retreat that involved Silent Football, my sophomore year -- trip to the Bahamas with a friend I don't talk to any more and photos of her wedding for that fact, my junior year -- living with two girls I couldn't stand and yet living with one girl that recently we opened the lines of communication again and I can't wait to see her in December when I am home, and finally my senior year -- dinners at the Leavenworth house to a trip to London (where my heart still longs to live) and a pub crawl that was great. There are people in these pictures that I can't remember who they are (well, I remember first names, like Michael ____ who was going to be a doctor and lived with John Pryor...anyone?) but I remember that they were so much a part of my life that I couldn't live without them.
And for some reason some old high school pictures were added into the mix, which pushed me back further. Once again I am reminded of people that I couldn't live without, people who encouraged me and sometimes crushed my spirit in the same breath. The names are a little harder, but the sentiment is still there.
I'm currently learning how to continually surrender and grieve the relationships in my core/committed/connected circles of life and I'm realizing that as I head home in a couple of weeks, there are people I want to see so that my soul will continue to be alive while I am there (Tiff, Bri, Van, Kelly, Brooklyn, Kim), people I need to see because of fund raising (Kim, the Franz's, Brenda) and people I long to see because I miss them and want to hear how they are doing (Christina, Wes, Chris, Leslee, Matt and Robbie, Tipton and Becca, Amy).
I know I'm in a needy, vulnerable spot right now, and I'm okay with that, but there is a part of my soul that is crying because I miss these people so much, but the other part is asking how do you continue on after so many years, after some hurts, and after so much change. Even though I am a bit sentimental at 1:46 am, I'm realizing I still have so much to learn about relationships in general.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Thursday, November 18, 2004
He worked for Student Ministries North Shore and had a background in Young Life . I was curious about other organizations using Young Life's camps and wanted to have coffee with him. I scared him at first, and now we are friends. He's an actor, poet, writer, and an intern groupie. I am a writer, a person who loves actors and an actual intern. We get along great.
Back to last night...Craig has learned that calling me after 11 pm is a tricky thing because I tend to be asleep, but I was up last night. He asked me about my day, and I said I had gone shopping, spent some time with the Trinity, and watched trashy TV (American's Next Top Model and Nanny 911). He asked me who the Trinity was...
Now, I was taken aback because he works for a church and a Christian university. He thought I meant Viv, Cookie and myself...I actually meant God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. T-h-e TRINITY. I was about to break back into Evangelical Christian mode.
Still, I laugh out loud...Besides, Viv, Cookie and I are the Three Amigos...get the nickname right at least.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
I loved serving with this man. He was so much, so encouraging, such a servant and I thoroughly enjoyed being around him. He made my time at Elevate so enjoyable. In fact, all my leaders did (once we got past 3 months where it was so hard) and I wouldn't trade my time with them for the world. Actually, I wanted to bring all of them with me when I transferred to Oasis and Champions.
As I went in to give him a hug, he said the following "I miss your leadership". And something inside my soul jumped for joy. There were so many mistakes I made while I was at Elevate, and I own those. It was the hardest season I've ever had in ministry (my whole second year was tough) and now 6 months after I left, I hear those encouraging words that I didn't mess up, that I wasn't a failure, that I was valued. We both said we should catch up some time and he went to his table and I went back to mine.
My breakfast with Sara was amazing. Talks about Denver, friends, life, school crap, etc. It was what my soul needed. But let me tell you, those words that my old leader spoke to me will be the encouraging words I needed for this week. It was amazing.
Trust me, I'm in a good place right now. A major season of conflict resolution has ended well. Oasis ended last night until January and I have all of Thanksgiving off. Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I had grown, that I have changed, and I'm so much more of who I was created to be that I love it. I'm doing really well and those words still had a huge impact on me.
Encouragement is so hard for some people, especially if they didn't grow up with encouragement in their families. But try it. Tell someone how much they really mean to you. Send someone a piece of real mail, one that requires a stamp and the postal system. Pick up the phone and make someone's day...You have no idea what it will do for them, you have no idea what it will do for you.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Friday, I called Van to wish her a happy birthday. Unfortunately, her present didn't get mailed on time, and now it's just sitting on my desk begging to be sent. Hopefully I can put it in the mail this week sometime.
I've been working on my statement of faith, which is basically my senior thesis for my program. It was much harder than I thought and it's due on Friday, November 19th, which means I had to get it done this weekend. I spent Thursday evening trying to write something, but it was complete crap, so I had to start over again on Friday. I feel better about what I am writing now, but I won't know for a while if it's what the Bethel gods are looking for. I sure hope so...
Friday night I saw the second Bridget Jones movie. Please wait to see this movie until it comes to DVD or to your very fun $5 movie theater. It was the first one, which slightly different lines, but that's about all that changed. It wasn't worth the $8 I spent (thank God for student id's)...very disappointing.
Saturday, I had lunch with a friend and shopped for Christmas presents. With the financial situation being tough these days, I don't know what to give people. And thankfully I'm not in high school any more where I have to give to thousands of people, nor will I be receiving 12 years worth of Bath and Body Works scented lotion/soap/body spray/etc. I rented three movies: "Saved" (you are just jealous of my success in the Lord), "Lost in Translation" (Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be. Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.) and "God is good and I am not" (a French film, don't bother). I went to dinner with a friend (Hi Viv) and then watched Saturday Night Live (not funny...I miss the good old days of when it was funny...heck, that was last year).
Sunday, I finally watch "Lost in Translation". Very good...if you enjoy the art of film and not just movies, this is a great movie. "Garden State" reminds me of this film and I love them both. I went to Axis last night and it was an amazing program. Jarrett hit it out of the park last night. Hopefully it will be up soon so you can listen to. We talked about dating and it wasn't your typical dating talk, but how we tend to lose our identity when we do date. I would listen to it if you get a chance. Had Viv and Kristen over for dinner and watched "Scrubs".
It was a decent weekend and my soul feels very light from it. It looks like it's going to be a busy week. A vocab quiz, a paper, and my statement of faith is keeping me quite busy. Hope you are doing well...
And yes, I changed the blog color again...I like this better, but I don't know if I love it.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Thursday, November 11, 2004
First I changed my hair color...
Now I changed my blog color...
Let me know what you think. I can't quite decide how I feel about this change.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
I just emailed a friend of mine for the first time (he just got email). He's one of the few who will really laugh hard at Canadian corn, limousine margaritas, and of course the air c.
I keep checking my email because I'm waiting for him to write me back.
Hello, McFly! He's probably not sitting around waiting for you to email him so he can email you back.
These are the times when I realize I need a life.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
And by random, I mean it's playing country one moment and hip hop the next.
Anyways, I was listening to it as I was driving into work today and now I can't get some of the lyrics out of my head. This isn't a bad thing, but I often feel like so many artist are singing the songs of my heart. Somehow they have written down the things that I feel but haven't shared with anyone and these strangers know what I am saying. Here's an example of the songs I have in my head:
"You've crossed the finish line/Won the race but lost your mind/Was it worth it after all/I need you here with me/Cause love is all we need/Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall/Well I know what I've been told/Gotta break free to break the mold..."Lazlo Bane
"Last time I talked to you/You were lonely and out of place/Hope you remember me when you're homesick and need a change..." Our Lady Peace
"It does not bother me to say this isn't love/Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love/And I guess I'm going to have to live with that..."Counting Crows
I think it's stupid not to think that music doesn't influence who you are and what you think, but for me, I can't live without music. It's essential to who I am and for me, right now, it's touching a part of my soul that I can't get to...
Monday, November 08, 2004
My friend Kristen took this picture at AXISPALOOZA last night. This is where we as a community reflect on the music that has impacted us over the past year. We have no idea what's gonna get played, what will happen, who will show up, but it's one of my favorite nights in the Axis year (running only behind the Axis retreat and worship nights).
God, I love this church....
And yes, that is my pastor in the sunglasses.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I arrived to hang out with the bride and the bridesmaids at 11 am, watched them get their hair done, put on make-up and then drive to the church. We took pictures outside (it's already cold in Chicago) and hid from people.
The ceremony itself was awesome, so them (the recessional was the theme song to "West Wing"), a little John Denver, trouble bustling her dress and then off to the reception.
This is where the drama begins. I don't want to go into all the details, but the guest book didn't arrive with who it was suppose to, she ended up confronting me (I'm getting really good at confrontation these days), and drove home angry.
All in all it was a great evening and I felt so special being included on this special day.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Last night I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep and a friend of mine from high school (go BVN) popped into my head. I haven't seen her since graduation, and if I'm honest, we didn't end on the best of terms either. My high school graduation wasn't anything spectactular. Our graduation song was "I Believe I can Fly" by R. Kelly, I got into a fight with parents, and the one person I wanted to be there said he wasn't coming and then he surprised me by being there. All and all, I was happy to graduate from high school, but I always thought I would keep in better contact with those I spent so much time with.
So I got to thinking about all my friends from high school, both at my school and people I knew from the Kansas City area because my high school youth group had people from both sides of the lines and so here are a list of people I wonder what they are doing with their life now...
- Bobby and Jeff A.
- Curt P.
- Chris C.
- Wes M.
- Whitney Y.
- Julia G.
- Jenny L.
- Christine H.
- Chris L.
- Brandon N.
- Brett O.
These aren't just random people, these are people I laughed with, cried with, drove around with, went to dances with, had crushes on...and I know I could find them on Classmates or Reunion, but that's not the same. I don't even know if they still are in KC, goodness knows I'm not, but I'm just curious to know what life looks like 7 years after you graduate.
Monday, November 01, 2004
For me, the past two and a half years have been a journey about finding out who I truly am. Of course, I always thought I knew who I was, but it wasn't until I began the internship here that I realized that I had no idea who I was. And when I got here and started meeting with Sheryl, we started on a journey of rebuilding my relationship with God the Father. I read books after books regarding this issue and eventually one that really spoke to me was "The Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen. It's amazing (and short) and you should pick it up.
Recently, I've been working on my adolescent idealism towards the world, people, and relationships and I read "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. One of the few books I have actually thrown across the room because I couldn't handle it any more. And I feel like I've gotten better at that, and I've worked through some of the issues there, but still, it's a slow process.
And then last night at Axis (www.generationaxis.com) Darrien spoke about the masks we wear in front of God, basically because we are afraid to let Him, our creator, see our real selves. And we had an opportunity to get a nametag for what we felt like God was saying to us, who He calls us. I moved towards the table of beloved, simply because this is my identity in the Trinity that I have understood the past two years. And so, when it all comes down to it, my highest dream, if I only knew it would be to fully live in a place where I could live out my belovedness and give it away to others at the same time. Isn't that what we are called to do? To build relationship, to love on one another, and to eventually share our lives with people? "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."
Good luck Radius this weekend on your retreat...oh how I wish I could be there and simply love on all of you...you will be in my heart and prayers.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
So, I just got back from Carthage visiting a very cool girl and let me tell you, it was amazing.
You never fully realize the effect you have on people until either a) they tell you (like my friend Steve did yesterday) or 2) it comes back to teach you something. I've been living in the latter, and then tonight I experienced the former.
A year ago this young woman came to me to ask me to be her mentor. Me, of all people, I didn't feel worthy, but I knew that it would require me to put into practice what I have been learning since I've been here. I wanted to mentor someone, especially someone who was in high school because I often felt during my high school years no adult really wanted to invest time in me. So, I said yes and it changed my life forever.
She is up at college now, doing her best to remain true to who God has created her to be and at the same time figure out how to balance school (she's so freakin' smart), friends, and fun all at the same time. She's essentially figuring out her rhythm of life, and I'm so grateful that I have been a part of that experience.
I drove to her college campus, all the while reminiscing about mine (and trust me, I LOVED college...it was some of the best years of my life) and once I got there, I saw how well adjusted she is and how she truly is simply loving on the girls and guys she is around on a daily basis. I love it. I love who she is and who she is becoming; I love that she is figuring out what she really wants to do with her life and I love the fact that she is loving school. She's the only 18 year old I know that was willing to say to herself "yes, I think therapy is a good idea".
I have so many dreams for her, about who she will become and what she will do and I feel fortunate that she wants to share that with me. She pushes me to look deeper into who I am and what I do and learn...she is amazing.
Liz, you are one great kid and I am so fortunate to not only to call you my mentoree, but also my friend.
ps-She, like me, is a nerd about her blog...check her out here: http://www.xanga.com/dremor
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
here's the quote that's been on my mind...
"oh my god, danny devito, i love your work!!"
hope you're having a good day!!
Nothing more, nothing less, and it was the best thing I could have received in my inbox today. Unlike my friend Heather (www.dooce.com who, let's be honest, has never met me but I know that if we did meet we would be great friends) who receives mean emails in her inbox on a regular basis, I tend to get only good ones and the occasional spam.
I get emails from friends and family members, jokes, pictures of my best friend's adorable child, and information from united and american about flights I can't take right now. And I do want to get away. I want to get some space from all the drama that is happening right now, lay on a beach like I did last year in Puerto Rico and simply sleep the day away as I listen to the ocean crash up against the shore.
I know fleeing won't cure anything, in fact, I know that the drama will still be here when I get back, but I feel like I need a break.
And it's not bad drama, it's just drama and I wish it would end because I don't know how much more self-realization I can handle.
Until then, I go to Carthage College (www.carthage.edu) tomorrow to visit a girl that is awesome and as an 18 year old, I truly believe on the transformational journey. I can't wait!
So, in order to brighten your day, I leave you with this quote:
"I ought cancel your Spring Fling. Now, I'm not gonna do that because we've already paid the DJ. "
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Tuesday's show focused on grieving, a topic I feel more competent in now than I did two years ago. JD's father passed away and his brother (the one hot Tom Cavanagh from the other fabulous TV show that was cut way too soon "Ed") show up with a cake to break the news to JD. We see how each member reacts to the news and the support that Cox gives to JD. This show I believe speaks to the members of my generation, much like M*A*S*H spoke to my father's generation.
Then Zach Braff (the star of Scrubs) makes a beautiful movie, one that also speaks for our generation and it makes me want to give him a kiss on the lips. He understands our generation, the issues we are going through, the thoughts that run through our heads. Zach Braff is a genius and I love what he is doing.
If you get a chance, and are willing to sit through witty communication and deep moments, this show is for you. My favorite episodes include the one with Rerun (the boys were planning Turk's bachelor party) and the one that included the song "99 red balloons". Watch this show, support it, if not for yourself, but for me.
By the way, you can read more about "Garden State" and other fun things from Zach here:
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Life is crazy busy. I worked 14 hours on Friday. Have you ever been in your office building for 14 hours straight? Let me tell you, it's not fun, I don't recommend it. School started last Monday and I'm currently enrolled in two classes: Ethics (and come on now...everyone I tell that I am in an ethics class they roll their eyes, which I agree with completely. Me of all people studying ethics, it's quite funny) and Leadership Communication (the same class I've taken 5 times in a row). Bethel's leadership classes are very lack luster. Perhaps it's in the culture I am in, but these classes could use a revamping so that everyone benefits from them, not just the students outside of Willow.
I went to a bachelorette party this weekend. I'm exhausted. I've never sat in a room with women and had a more open discussion regarding sex. I feel fortunate that these women were open enough to share with me in the room and that people were willing to share.
Otherwise, I'm hanging in there. Life and leadership has been difficult recently. I've stepped down from leading a small group of women in their 20's and during that process, I've had some learning lessons. I've never realized how lonely leadership can truly be, and I feel like I now have to watch what I am saying every second of every day. I'm worried about how others will take it and that's hard.
Another interesting thing is that an English professor of mine from Kansas State was arrested for murder. It's a little strange and very creepy.
I'm reading "The DaVinci Code" right now and I can't put it down...
I know it's fiction, and it is a page turner...
I'm tempted to buy the new Gavin DeGraw cd and I really want to buy "Saved" yet with cash being low these day, maybe Santa will bring them for Christmas. I guess I should start being a good girl then.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
That was until I decided to try it...
Right now, I am bidding on something. I'm so freaking nervous, that I don't know what do with myself and I can't tear myself away from the computer. I keep rechecking to see if I have won. I've done laundry, I've taken a shower, I've balanced my checkbook, I've ordered my textbooks for the next quarter (and those weren't all that exciting either). I could clean my room, but in the time it would take to get started, the sale would be done. I think I am going to win. But I am beside myself waiting for that moment.
My sister is an eBay fanatic. She buys stuff, she sells stuff, she probably is one of the sellers that has those fun objects next to her cute screen name. As for me, I have a big fat zero next to mine because I'm a newbie.
And if I'm honest, I'm only blogging right now because I need something to calm me down. I have three minutes left. I'm afraid that if I do win, I'll want to buy more. And the only other thing I really want is an old school Nintendo. Now that would be fun. But I can't focus on anything right now.
AHHH!! One minute, 19 seconds....56 seconds....I can feel my ulcer forming and shaping inside my stomach (as if I don't have enough digestional problems as is)
I WON!! I WON! I never win! Well, that's not true. Once in middle school, in Kansas City, there was a time when Kiss 107.3 had a chance for you to kiss a car and if you kissed it the longest, you won. I wasn't old enough, but I got 5 cds. And I won the Bands Reunited contest here in Chicago and got $100 gift certificate to VH1.com.
So, now I wait for my item to arrive. I can't wait...but I don't think I'll do eBay any time soon. I need to recover from my first experience.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Friends, New Orleans is fine, my family is fine, and if you want more information on a city I love dearly, check out this article from MSNBC http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6017042/
Have a great weekend...I'll be at the grand opening of our new huge building, and you can see it here: www.willowcreek.org
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
In other news, my life is chaotic. I was talking with my friend Allison last night, and I told her, I don't know if I had ever been through such a year of chaos and change. And I realized as I said that, I probably had, but never in my life had I been able to deal with it all in a healthy fashion. I'm still learning how to grieve, I'm still learning it's okay to be angry, but I can handle change much more now. I could list them all but here are just a few:
- I changed jobs (well, places where I am doing my internship, which basically was a job change)
- I changed offices (and yes the window is a nice change of pace, even if it is a little one)
- People I am extremely close to in the internship moved on and graduated
- Elevate (my old ministry) was turned upside down
- Oasis and Champions (my new ministry) are in constant change
- There is a huge new freakin' building that was built in front of my eyes and it changes the way I am able to do ministry.
- We have a new check in system with computers that don't work
See and that's only a few...I took a vacation to Denver, which was awesome and I loved it, but I feel like since my ministry kicked off on Monday (that's right, September 13th) I need another vacation. My desk is a mess, my planner is a mess, my car is a mess, which all means that I'm not taking time to slow down. The director of the internship has an acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) and if you are any of these, you need to halt and take some time for yourself. Except I've changed it to C.A.L.T. (which doesn't make sense, but if I changed it to talc, that would just be weird). Instead of being hungry, angry, lonely or tired, I know I need to stop when I am cluttered, angry, lonely or tired. I'm hoping this weekend, I'll have some time to relax, which it looks like Saturday and Sunday for the most part will be okay and I'll be able to C.A.L.T.
On a different front, I think I'm breaking away from the good ol'Franklin Planner and buying a pocket pc (a.k.a.-palm pilot). It's just so bulky and I hate the fact I have to erase and/or white out when I have to change things. Plus, I would like to use my Outlook a little more often. Who knows, by the time I write next, maybe I'll have one.
Yes, I know Kansas State lost last weekend...I still have faith.
No, I haven't found a dance class yet...I think that's going to be my search this weekend.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
For multiple hours.
I have been known in the past to watch from 6 pm till 10:30 pm and if you are lucky, I'll stay up till 11:30 just to watch a bit more. However, that all changed last May.
On May 9, 2004, my life changed and a part of me died. Well, that's a little over dramatic (which I know I enjoy being from time to time), but it's true. After 10 years of faithfully devoting myself to Thursday nights at 7 pm, "Friends" finally ended. I felt a little like my soul was ending and I needed to say good bye to six of my closest friends. It was sad (in fact the whole month of May was sad, but that's for a different post). I knew I still had "Will and Grace", "ER" and "The Apprentice" to watch, but it wouldn't be the same.
Now tonight, I watched "Joey". I laughed, I almost cried, and I realized that my Thursday nights will no longer be the same. It's still the same Joey that I grew to love after 10 years, but I'm still waiting for Monica or Ross to enter the picture. I'm still waiting for the coffee shop to appear in a scene, and I'm still waiting for a chick and a duck to enter the picture. Which by the way, where did they go since Chandelor gave them to Joey because of the twins???
Thursday nights will still be my night to watch thousands of hours of tv, but with "The OC" moving to Thursday nights, will I still be dedicated to NBC, or will my VCR become used more often than it is right now? I really do think "Joey" has a shot to make it, like my friend Kochie said, it will just require people to realize that it isn't the same. I just don't know if I'm ready to accept this change quite yet...
Sunday, September 05, 2004
In 1998, I began to fall in love with college football. I went to my first football game at the KSU Stadium to see the Kansas State Wildcats defeat a small school and I was hooked. I went to almost every single home game during my college career. I saw the Wildcats defeat Nebraska at home twice. I helped tear down the "indestructible" goal post and watch them be carried into Aggieville. I've laughed, cried, hugged random people, and watch these Wildcats of mine go on to write history. I love them and they are forever part of my life. Some people claim that I am a fanatic, but I love this team. I love Bill Snyder and the team he has created. I love Manhattan in the middle of the fall while game day is going on. I've never felt a city such defeat and joy in the same week and know that 20,000 students as well as alumni and fans around the country are cheering on the Wildcats. Our schedule this year looks good. I'm worried about what will happen and whether or not we can defend our Big XII title without a definite quarterback. I'm curious to know if Darren Sproles win the Heisman trophy. I wonder which bowl we will play in December or January.
Have you caught the spirit of college football? If not, let me know...I can help!
Friday, September 03, 2004
We drove 15 hours from Chicago to Denver. Have you driven through Nebraska before? What a terrible state (and I'm not just saying that because I don't like the University of Nebraska)! There is nothing redeeming about the state. Well, I take that back. We stopped in Lincoln for lunch and we ate Sonic. I love that place so much. It really does speak love to my soul. We got into Denver and I crashed because I was so tired from the night before and driving for 15 hours. Yesterday we got to meet the Radius Church family and while I was helping make dinner (I was using a mallet to thin out the chicken breasts), I whacked my index finger. It hurt so freaking much...but I don't think I am going to lose the nail. We are planning on going hiking tomorrow and who knows what Sunday will hold for us, but I definitely needed this vacation. I've realized more and more that my rhythm of life must include times when I can just get away and relax and disconnect. I'm hoping my next vacation will be in the spring and I would love to take one after I graduate.
Here's something fun: I'm planning on taking dance classes when I get back. I can't wait. I danced for 9 years, it was and still is a part of my soul. I'm scared out of my mind that I will fall on my face and make a fool of myself, but this is something I have shut off inside of me and I need to reclaim it. I need to get the ballerina out of the closet and back on the dance floor. I'll keep you posted on how this goes and if you are curious to how I decided to start this again, the story is much more personal than something I would share here, so you'll just have to email me.
Pictures will be coming soon...wait till Tuesday when I can upload them and publish them. Until then, I'm enjoying the cloudy day in Denver, listening to David Gray, and loving on an adorable chocolate lab...
Friday, August 27, 2004
My best friend is running a marathon. I can't even run the block and her desire is to run a marathon, in California, in May. Maybe by that point I could run a 10k or half marathon with her...I just need the motivation to do it. There are lots of areas in my life I need motivation, running is just one of them.
Let's see what else has been happening here? The Olympics are almost over, which means the swimmer (Aaron Peirsol) I have loved watching will no longer be on my TV, but it does mean that it's almost time for the fall season to kickoff. Oh please, Joey, please be decent. Keep the "Friends" franchise going. Oh yeah...I have red hair and I've started the trend to have a blog. I can't believe it. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait for pictures from Denver.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
How to Read the Bible for All it's Worth by Stuart and Fee
Faces of Forgiveness: Searching for Wholeness and Salvation by F. LeRon Shults and Steven Sandage
The Postfoundationalist Task of Theology by F. LeRon Shults
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Sacred Romance by John Eldridge
Surrender to Love by David Benner
The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb
Wounded Heart by Dan Allander
The Art of Possibility by Ben Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander
Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen
The Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen
Prayer by Richard Foster
Changes that Heal by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Cry of the Soul by Dan Allander and Tremper Longman III
21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell
Developing the Leader Within You by John Maxwell
Developing the Leaders Around You by John Maxwell
The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero
I know this much is true by Wally Lamb
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
That should be enough now...let me know if you need more!
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Well, I need to remember that it is only one side of the story. I walked into the theater almost 90% sure I was going to vote against Bush in November. That's something I have been debating with since probably the end of April. I just didn't know if I could put him back in the directors chair again. But now, I don't know if I could vote for either Bush or Kerry. If the connections are true, and the ties run that deep, then no one deserves to have that seat. I definitely don't think I could do any better, but the idea of someone, anyone, plotting in such a way...yikes...
I did, however, walk away with a greater respect of the military system we have established here in the states. I am proud to support them and the work they are doing. I may not agree that it is necessary, but I support the men and women who have left their families because it is part of their job. My family has a huge background in the military (with my grandfather in World War II and my cousin in the first Gulf War, both my uncles and my father in the National Guard, as well as my brother in the National Guard), so I feel like I should thank them for the service they have done because I know that I could never do it.
So, if you read this and don't agree with me, that's fine, I don't know if I agree with everything that Moore placed in his movie. I almost want to see it again. As for November, I'm still deciding to vote. I know I won't vote for Bush, but I don't know if I'll even vote.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Let's see, what did happen...Theology 3 was good, nothing earth shattering (unlike Theology 1), but still a decent class. I enjoy the adjuct profs. They tend to stray from what the Bethel gods feel like they need to teach on, which is always a nice change of pace. Thanks to internet in class, I was able to catch up with my college roommate, a woman I love dearly and miss, yet even when I am home, I feel like I never get a chance to catch up with. She's wonderful (she's actually the one who encouraged me to cook...thanks Brooklyn). So, she turned me and my dear friend Sara onto the best blog I have ever read. I can only hope that one day, mine could be like her's. Check it out here: http://www.dooce.com/. Trust me, you'll laugh, you'll cry, and if you are anything like Sara and I, you'll want to invite her to a Good Friday here in Chicago. You'll have to ask me about Good Fridays.
Team Leadership, well, it wasn't anything special. I wish I could say something nice, something that I gleaned from the class, yet it's difficult to say. The man is nice, two of the field trips gave me hope for the church and my future applying to them, the other made me want to switch careers quickly. I caught up on my web surfing and had the opportunity to watch U2, which gives me hope that one day I will see them in concert...soon...
Otherwise, when I first arrived there, I was in a sad, lonely, needy spot. This time was different, not because I was new or because my profs were new, but because I was without people I love dearly and who know me deeply. These are people that don't ask me why I am the way I am, but they just let me be. They left, well not left, but graduated and now it is different without them. It was just difficult. I stayed around safe people and didn't really do as much as I thought I would this time. I just didn't have the energy to anything. Grieving is difficult and it just shows me what is to come.
And yes, I did drink Boulevard beer while I was there, and that my friends (along with talks at Old Chicago) was my saving grace.
Oh and by the way, I'm trying to work on my resume...I would love to find a job by the time I graduate in 313 days (not that I am counting down or anything).
Friday, July 16, 2004
No real reason for this picture, expect it made me think about relationships and how many of my relationship in the past weren't built on trust, they were built on lies. They were lies coming from me, things I thought I wanted people to believe in, yet could hold no water...it's amazing how the false self can fool everyone, including me...
Monday, July 12, 2004
1. LeRon Shults, an old theology professor I had...He's fantastic
2. That part of my inner circle isn't here...it's so tough without them
3. That Boulevard Beer isn't sold in Chicago, but is in St. Paul
4. That "I love the 90's" is starting on VH1 and I'm in class
Don't laugh, but they are true...learning how to give up lesser dreams in order to receive better, more fulfilling dreams is never easy but it's worth it...I'll let you know how things are going soon.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis.
2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you.
3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently.
Otherwise, this is for you. For you to see a piece into my life and the things that are going on here. I hope you enjoy this page as much as I enjoy writing it.