be ok...

Perhaps one of the most frustrating thing about being unemployed are the reactions I get from others. For those who know someone or themselves have been unemployed, the response is "I'm so sorry. How are you doing?". Yet, for those who have no idea what it is like, here are the response I have received:

Are you loving it?
That's fantastic. What are you doing these days?
Good for you!

WHAT?!?! Good for you?!?!

Um, let's review the facts of the last 5 months: These have not been easy times. They have not been fun. Sure there are moments that are beautiful, that remind me that waiting for the job that is best for me is okay. Most days though, the fear that something may never come is overwhelming.

It's been suggested recently that I look into pharmaceutical sales in the mean time. When I've mentioned it to two people (who don't know each other), they've both said the same thing: That's selling your soul to the devil. I'm not going to lie, the possibility of making $60,000 a year is tempting. But is it worth it?

I recently asked my friends for support. A few people asked what they can do. What I realized I needed came last night as I took my friend Maria home. She spoke some words of truth into my life. That she respected my decision to wait, that it is honorable and no matter what I do, she's there for me. What I need right now is for people to speak the truth into my life. I desperately need is for people to remind me that I am doing more than enough and if I want to wait, it's going to be okay.

And that's what I want. To be okay. I want to know that things are going to be okay, no matter what happens, no matter how long I wait. I think that's part of the reason Ingrid Michaelson's song "Be Ok" is my current repeat song:

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Hopefully someday soon I realize that I will know I will be okay...

60

Here are some things you might not know about the number 60:
The 30th even number is 60.
The 127th and 128th digits of pi is 60.
Neodymium's atomic number is 60.
A snowflake has six main arms that are 60 degrees apart.
A honeycomb is a hexagon with outer angles of 60 degrees.
Diamond wedding anniversary celebrates 60 years of marriage.

60 days ago, I worked my last day at my job. Here we are, 60 days later, and I still do not have full time employment. The reality is, it's been over 2 months since I was at my job.

I had to go back the other day, to finish up some paper work for my stock options. Walking in there was horrible. It affected my entire day. But I realized on Thursday, that is the last time I will ever have to walk in there. I once said I would almost consider going back and last week, there isn't enough money in the world to have me go back.

Someone recently asked me how the job search was going. Here's the reality, it is what it is. There is nothing new to report. Jobs I want, I don't get, the one job I've been offered, I couldn't take for multiple reasons.

I just don't know what else to do. A friend of mine has offered to review my resume and I signed up for a class through Denver's YNPN (Young Nonprofit Professional Network) for my resume to be reviewed by multiple Nonprofit professionals.

I never expected 60 days to go by without me have a full-time job. I don't know if I can do another 60 days. And selfishly, I still want one as a birthday present and that's 15 days away. Many people I've spoken with has said that their 29th birthday was worse than their 30th. I have a strong suspicion mine will be similar.

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. -- Harriet Van Horne

I've had a friend ask me a question recently about my cooking. Not that I do it, but why all of the sudden with all the new recipes.

I've tried some that work, some that need to be added to every one's repertoire, and some that I'm too afraid to try.

Here's why I am doing it...I'm choosing not to eat out as much and since I am not, I need to find some items to make it feel like I am eating out. And really, I needed to move beyond the fajitas, killer meatloaf and baked ziti I have mastered.

So, I am trying new things. Keeping my options open and reminding myself that this can be a learning experience, not only about what I am capable of doing within the kitchen, but that it can be applied to life.

Perhaps there are other risks I need to be taking.

Fear

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

For the last month, I have cried almost every day. And I'm not saying that for sympathy, I'm saying that as fact.

I hate being unemployed. I hate it. I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. It forces you to deal with the lies you tell yourself, the reality that they actually might be true and the inability to find the truth in the midst.

Not only do I fear what my reality is, I get stressed out about it on an almost hourly basis. I have 6 weeks until my birthday. And all I want is a job. And right now, I'd almost take any job. While Starbucks provides me with a much needed escape each week, it only provides me with a 12 hour escape.

I know others have it tougher than me and to be honest, I can't always see that reality. Right now, I see my reality.

So, readers (if there are any of you out there), what do you do when you are facing the fear, the stress, the inability to grasp that something bigger and better is out there? Because right now, I can use all the advice I can get.

It's just a ride.

Note: Any desire to be home constantly has been diminished by unemployment.

While, I am appreciative of sleeping in and moving at my own pace, the reality of unemployment often seems bleak and really not as much fun as I would have hoped for or imagined.

I have lots of song I am listening to on repeat these days, to subside the constant flow of emotions I feel. By the way, these emotions range from anger, to bliss, to deep pain, to frustration, to overwhelmed. And yes, a majority of these are sad emotions. Welcome to my head.

My current repeat song is "Just a Ride":

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride.

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride.

I'm ready to get off this ride...