Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tired. Show all posts

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'm not so sure...

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

dreams are funny

And I don't mean the type of where you want to be in 10 years. I mean the type you have when you sleep.

2 nights ago, every dream I had included my best friend. I took it as a sign to call her, which I did yesterday. It was great to catch up with her, I miss her like crazy.

While I was in Africa, I had crazy dreams almost every night. Some are unmentionable on the internet while others included the new fall line up. I took it as my malaria pills tripping me out.

However last night's dreams were beyond anything I've had in a while.

One series of them included someone I met in Africa that I miss terribly and if he was here or if I was there, I would give it a shot. He's beautiful, kind, sensitive and hilarious. I've often asked my friend Bri if it's okay to propose to him. So far, she's said no.

Another series included someone who tormented me in my past and did it again in my dreams last night. I haven't had a bad dream in ages and last night's dreams were horrifying. I'd wake up from them and try to get back to the dreams with my African boy and couldn't....which made last night very long.

The last one included me meeting someone (a hot, single someone) at Home Depot. Perhaps I should stop by there this weekend. Maybe that means something too...

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I'm back

And I've been back since last Thursday. And the past week has been hard, harder than I thought it would be.

There are moments when I'm so glad to be back. To have the ability to take a shower, lay in the ac, check email, etc...these are things to be grateful for. However, in the same breath, I miss Kenya. I miss tusker, samosas, and chapati. I miss Bri like crazy. I miss Jen, Josie, Jodi, Joolee and Sarah...I almost feel like I knew who I was more while I was in Kenya.

Here's what I realized about me:
  • There are still people I think about, whether I want to or not. In fact, I had a dream about one of them, a dream that was pretty significant, however I can't share it with her. She hasn't pursued me in over a year, why the hell should I tell her about it.
  • That my job is something I need/want to settle in the near future (defining near future is harder than I thought). Is it time to change or to realize that my job is providing the means for the life I really want.
  • That I'm grateful for the life I have and the life I want.
But, life continues on. I go to concerts (I saw Ryan Adams' last night and loved every minute of it), I get haircuts, I take naps.

And I laugh:


But until things settle down, be prepared for the scattered.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

the victim mentality continues

(god willing, it ends soon)

What if I am blocking God from transforming me?

What if I'm afraid to move, ask, question, respond, change?

What if I am the cause and the effect?

What if I gave up on my desire to be loved in a way that I have never experienced?

What if that is what surrendering looks like?

Would things change?

Cause I can't continue to fight for some things I don't know are true...

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this way...so empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.


She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...