“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -- John Quincy Adams

I've always been inspired by people who do amazing things. Even those who do little things that they think people don't notice. The person who gives up their seat on the bus, or the person who pays for the coffee of the person behind them...these people inspire me. And often times, I don't know these people.

However, recently I've become inspired by two friends. My friend Kacee is training for a marathon. It's almost a month away and while reading her story, I am moved. I am moved by what she is learning about herself, about the depth of her character, the woman she is shaping into by running crazy amounts. Her stories (you can read it about here) are showing me what perseverance, truth, and grace are all about. And while I might not sign up for a marathon, it is showing me what taking on a big challenge can do for a person.

My other friends, M & M have a story that you would only hear about on a Lifetime movie. One would think, "this would never happen to people I know". But it is. Their story, about adoption, about not letting go, about unsettled decisions after 2 years, makes me cry about every time I read one of their blog updates. Unfortunately, due to the privacy of their court dates, I cannot share their blog. And hopefully after tomorrow, they will have some resolution in their life.

I think I would have given up a while ago in both of these stories. Told myself that I can't/couldn't do it. That it would be easier to just quit and give up instead of pushing through. I am forever grateful to have their stories in my life. As a reminder of what people can do when they are pushed to the limit. I'm just grateful I have role models like this in my life.

strong

–adjective

1.	having, showing, or able to exert great bodily or muscular power; physically vigorous or robust: a strong boy.

2.	accompanied or delivered by great physical, mechanical, etc., power or force: a strong handshake; With one strong blow the machine stamped out a fender.

3.	mentally powerful or vigorous: He may be old, but his mind is still strong.

4.	especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect: She's very strong in mathematics. He's weak at bat, but he's a strong fielder.

5.	of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation.

6.	powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding: a strong nation.

7.	aggressive; willful: a strong personality.

8.	of great force, effectiveness, potency, or cogency; compelling: strong reasons; strong arguments.

9.	clear and firm; loud: He has a strong voice.

10.	solid or stable; healthy; thriving: The banker predicted a strong economy.

11.	well-supplied or rich in something specific: a strong hand in trumps.

12.	having powerful means to resist attack, assault, or aggression: a strong fortress; a strong defense.

13.	able to resist strain, force, wear, etc.: strong walls; strong cloth.

14.	decisively unyielding; firm or uncompromising: She has strong views about the United Nations. He has a strong sense of duty.

15.	fervent; zealous; thoroughgoing: He's a strong Democrat.

16.	strenuous or energetic; vigorous: strong efforts.

17.	moving or acting with force or vigor: strong winds.

18.	distinct or marked; vivid, as impressions, resemblance or contrast: He bears a strong resemblance to his grandfather.

19.	intense, as light or color.

20.	having a large proportion of the effective or essential properties or ingredients; concentrated: strong tea.

21.	(of a beverage or food) containing much alcohol: strong drink; The fruitcake was too strong.

22.	having a high degree of flavor or odor: strong cheese; strong perfume.

23.	having an unpleasant or offensive flavor or odor, esp. in the process of decay: strong butter.

24.	of a designated number: Marines 20,000 strong.

25.	Commerce. characterized by steady or advancing prices: The market resumed its strong pace after yesterday's setback.

26.

Grammar. a. (of Germanic verbs) having vowel change in the root in inflected forms, as the English verbs sing, sang, sung; ride, rode, ridden. b. (of Germanic nouns and adjectives) inflected with endings that are generally distinctive of case, number, and gender, as German alter Mann “old man.” c. belonging to the morphophonemically less regular of two inflectional subtypes.

27.	(of a word or syllable) stressed.

Out of all the words on my list, this has always been my most difficult to embrace. I have always had a strong personality and while I was in the conservative church world, this was never encouraged or embraced. In my mind, it was always looked upon with shame. (Damn you Proverbs 31 for being misinterpreted and shaming towards vibrant, young women) And unfortunately, I never embraced it either.

It wasn't until Chicago that I fully began to understand that my strong-will isn't a bad thing. I'm a confident, strong-willed individual. And some people cannot handle it. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to handle it. However, today, I'm going to embrace it and love it because Sheralee is right, this is a part of who I am.

desire

One of my favorite shows to watch is "Friday Night Lights". It has nothing to do with my love of football, it has to do with my desire to be authentic. Something in this show hits my desire for authenticity every week.

This week, I realized how strong this desire is when I realized someone I considered to be a friend showed his true colors. Not knowing him made me sad; realizing who he actually is made me sadder.

My desire to be known, to be real, to be loved has become more apparent since I've lost my job. My desire to do work that betters the world is palpable in every moment of my life.

As I was watching "Friday Night Lights" this week, I was struck by one of the characters desire for college. Her desire for college is similar to my desires to just be me. And in all honesty, these could be my words today.

Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything.

I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.

But now I find that I can't stop wanting.

I want to fly somewhere in first class.

I want to travel to Europe on a business trip.

I want to get invited to the White House.

I want to learn about the world.

I want to surprise myself.

I want to be important.

I want to be the best person that I can be.

I want to define myself instead of having others define me.

I want to win, and have people be happy for me,

I want to lose and get over it.

I want to not be afraid of the unknown.

I want to grow up to be generous and big hearted, the way that people have been with me.

I want an interesting and surprising life.

It's not that I think I'm going to get all of these things,

I just want the possibility of getting them.

College Life represents possibility.

The possibility that things are going to change.

I can't wait..

soul purge

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result." Gandhi

The ebb and flow of life seems to be messing with my mind and my soul recently. I had so many expectations for 2008. That "2008 will be great" feeling was upon me when the clock struck midnight on December 31st.

And the reality is, what I’ve seen 2008 to be thus far hasn’t been fun to watch. I’ve pretty much owned up to a major downfall in my life, and I’m not allowing for much grace for myself or from others.

I feel like the goals I’ve set for myself a while ago really aren’t happening. I’m not being as proactive on some of them as I had hoped to be and there have been harsh realities in dealing with the others.

I was telling a friend today that I feel like I’ve let myself down over the last month and half. And not only that, but I feel like situations and people have let me down.

And the reality is, I’d much rather hide and stick to the life I’ve created in my house than face the reality outside. Becoming a recluse is really what I want to do.

If you had talked to me on Thursday, you would have thought I could have taken over the world. I had finally resolved the fact that a guy I had been chatting with on eHarmony had cut the ties (considering I haven’t heard from him in ages) and that I had received the apology I so deserved from my ex. I felt like I was winning the break-up in that situation. I even had enough courage on Friday to talk to guy in my building that has caught my eye for a while now. Friday night, I could speak to anyone with the courage and strength that had been pushed out of me for a while.

Then over the weekend, I had time to think. I thought about the relationships I have in my life, the new and the old ones. I thought about love. I thought about change. I thought about the reality of what I know to be true and how I don’t feel any of that truth on a regular basis. I thought about some of the situations I was in, and how I loved most of them, and others made me frustrated beyond words. I thought about the lack of grace I give myself and how easily I tend to give it to others. I thought about selfish decisions, about grasping, about the bottom. I thought about Denver and the hope it once had and how now I’m realizing that hope was never there and has never been here.

So what do you when in one moment you feel empowered and in the next realize your reality is pretty much not what you had hoped it to be? Do you tuck and hide or do you cling to the empowerment and figure out what your grasp is when the wind is blowing?

i can't shake this feeling

I've been back from Africa for 11 weeks.

Last week, I was watching Life is Wild, a show "supposedly" set in South Africa about a family that picks up their life and moves there to try to become a family again.

Trust me, it wasn't the Africa I know and love. However, towards the end of the show, my Africa song started playing.

And I lost it. I sat in my living room and bawled like a little baby.

I miss Africa, more importantly, I miss Kenya. I miss the kids I interacted with, I miss the friends I made, I miss Kym. I still smell Kenya every where I go. I feel like I'm losing parts of the story I knew to be there. I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself and there are times when I listen to my soundtrack that I made for Kenya and I still tear up.

The dates have been set for the 2008 trip and I am seriously reconsidering going. My heart aches for Kenya and I don't know what to do about it here in the States.

What do you do when you miss the place that makes you feel most like you?

Why June 13, 14, & 15 hold significance for me

I realized recently that the middle of June holds greater significance then I ever knew.

5 years ago on June 13, I walked into a stranger's house not knowing what to expect. I chose a seat near the windows, and 2 people sat down next to me. Little did I know that these people would change my life forever. David and Sara Worley have not only become dear, dear friends, they have become family members I can't imagine my life without. Constantly they invite me into their lives, their daughter's life, their house...5 years ago, I sat down next to 2 of the greatest people in the world and forever changed my view of what love looked like.

2 years ago on June 15, I pulled into a new town filled with expectation and hope. I slept in a new bedroom, in a new apartment that would simply become home. I had so many desires for what this town would hold, could hold, should hold. However, those desires, dreams, whatever you want to call them, were shattered within the first weekend. Pain that I've never experienced before, betrayal I thought would never happen, lies that surmounted all truth entered into Denver and then changed my view. While I've stayed and slowly true friends like Jared, David, and Sara have shone through, Denver's not the place I expected, yet found a new level stability for me to stand on.

1 year ago on June 14, I pulled into a driveway of an office building not knowing what the next hour would hold. I made the choice about 2 weeks earlier that I needed someone outside of my life to prove to me that I wasn't crazy. That what was happening (people manipulating me, saying one thing and doing something else) was truly happening and I wasn't imagining it. Thankfully, 1 year ago on June 14 I met my therapist, Mark, who changed my life. He was amazing then and is amazing now...

3 totally different dates, multiple years, however 3 significant days in my life. Perhaps good things do in 3's...I'm forever grateful to each one because they shaped me differently. As for these 3 days this year, who knows, but I'm open to the possibility of change.

Once in awhile, when it's good/It'll feel like it should*

When I'm ready
I'll be able to say everything that is true
of what I experienced
When I'm ready
Because what I realized yesterday
is that this is deeper than
I ever thought

But my hope is that the steps
I'm taking
Will eventually get me to a place where I can say
"Once in awhile, when it's good/It'll feel like it should"

So until then,
I'll believe that
it will feel like it should,
because I've lost that hope.

*taken from John Mayer's song Stop this Train

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. -- Charles DuBois

Courage is something I don't think most people are born with. And if you are born with courage, at some point, you lose it.

My friend J recently posted a blog on his experience in living in Denver. Why he came, what happened once he arrived, where he sees himself going. That takes courage. Especially because some people will deny what his experience was like or that they have any part in his pain.

However, while I know that my story is so similar to J's, the part that causes me to get is angry is when people leave in the midst of the pain. People saw J, myself, others in the midst of the pain and they did nothing. No, that's not true, the contributed more pain. Instead of sitting in the pain, in the midst of feeling crazy, they convinced me that I was crazy. They refused to hear the other side of the story. Because it was too painful for them.

While I wish I had the courage to call these people out and let them know that I don't understand why after years of relationship building how they can walk away. That when I trusted them with my soul, they decided to piss all over it.

So until I can muster up the courage to tell these people what happened through my eyes, I'm grateful for the 3 people who have stuck by me through it all. I love you each dearly...DW, Sara, and J. You each make my days brighter.

The blog I want to write

Isn't fully possible right now.

Mostly because I, myself, don't know exactly what I mean or what I want to say. And every time I go through it in my head, I can't explain it to myself.

Which leaves me even more frustrated, heartbroken, and angry.

And last night, as I watched American Idol, one of the woman sang Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" and I started bawling.

So until I can figure out what the hell I truly mean, this has to be my prayer:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

just to let the whole world

I'm sick and tired of dealing with shame...I kinda wish I could trade it in for another core issue...

Is it wrong?

That I want this in my life, for my birthday, for someone to speak this to me? Is that too much to ask for on the eve of 27?


Tell Her This by Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

why today did good for my soul

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that my last week was rough. It had to do with the lies in my head, lies that were perpetrated by my experience in Denver. When these lies are given fuel, they often spiral my life out of control. Tuesday and Wednesday were hell for me.

Friday night, I spent some time at my house, relaxing and then going to play perhaps one of the greatest games ever. I went to bed early, knowing that Saturday would require me to get some stuff done. Saturday I needed to do some laundry, unpack some boxes, put some stuff away. I got groceries, nothing big, but needed...desperately. My friend J is dating this great girl and she invited us to a party. We went, dressed as cowboys and had a great time. I went home around 6:30, exhausted and wanted some space. I went to bed early because J and I were going to mountains this morning.

However, those plans were thwarted by both J and I. Instead, here's how I spent today. I made breakfast, I went to Target, I sat on my front porch, listening to music and enjoying the 65 degree weather. I read a magazine, I bought a new trashcan and I'm now watching the selection show.

What does this all mean? It doesn't mean that my soul is automatically better in light of the last week. It does mean that I'm starting off this week in a good place, a better place than last week. It means that I feel hope-filled to celebrate my birthday with friends and free drinks. It hopefully means enjoying my Friday off by sleeping in, going shopping and just enjoying the day.

So here's to my front porch, my 65 degree weather, and to the sunshine and blue skies...here's to making my week, my birthday week better.

the victim mentality continues

(god willing, it ends soon)

What if I am blocking God from transforming me?

What if I'm afraid to move, ask, question, respond, change?

What if I am the cause and the effect?

What if I gave up on my desire to be loved in a way that I have never experienced?

What if that is what surrendering looks like?

Would things change?

Cause I can't continue to fight for some things I don't know are true...

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this way...so empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.


She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...

choosing the good

What I need to remember about choosing the good is that I don't control it...the anxiousness, worry, and trouble I feel isn't about the good, it's about my desire to control the good.

I need to remember that I deserve the good, that it is what is wanted for me, and that if I try to control it, I'm actually moving away from the good...

I want the good, I just feel like it is slipping through my fingers...

so please stay and keep me company

While driving through Denver today, a day of beautiful weather that makes me believe spring is a possibility, I started listening to the Counting Crows CD that keeps being passed between my best friend and I...

What I realized is 2 things...one my soul is in distress, not due to circumstances with friends or community but through something that is core to who I am. I'm tired of dealing with this particular core issue because it seems to suck everything out of me and question the God I believe in. The other thing I realized had to do with my past here in Denver, my future in Denver and ultimately what I think could be...and how do I wish for the could be, because the could be is so needed in my life...

Larry's in vegas..with some chick from L.A
the best things are sevens and sex is just ok so please stay
she said just stay

cause there's a show at 11
and the drinks are all free
you can do better for yourself but not me ....
...so please stay and keep me company.

All the while thinking this is the good luck,
stays with her most of the time
takes time to make these machines work,
people are so unkind
Gets kinda nervous
used to be hard.

She takes the edges off evenings
in bedrooms and back seats in big cars.
All the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
people are so unkind.
People are so unkind

She looks in the mirror
to make sure she's here
she keeps disappearing and dreaming of movie stars- weddings
and nothing is happening
He tries not to notice
She thinks he doesn't care.
Capture yourself in a jar and you stay there,
until you vanish
thin air

all the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
but he aint got time while
she's riding in black cars and pokes at the sky
to see if he can make stars and

people are so unkind
people are so unkind..
People are so unkind..
People are so unkind...
people are so unkind
People are so..
UNKIND

a reminder of truth...

"My existential journey involved struggling with this quote from Thomas Merton: "Why should I desire anything that cannot give me God, and why should I fear anything that cannot take God away from me?" This led me into an experience of "unknowing" that liberated me from an unhealthy desire to control my relation to God through propositions and an unhealthy fear of admitting that my understanding of God would always need to be reformed and reforming."
--F. LeRon Shults

"They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done"

I've gotten angry the last couple of days. Not in anyone in particular, but at situations on the whole.

Frustration is ever increasing the more and more I realize that people are biased. They only want the side of the story that keeps them safe and protected. Without engaging the other aspects, they are allowed to spread the hate and lies, which aren't true.

"Even if they words they say aren't true they've won,"

I don't have a lot of patience for people who make fear based decisions. I wish people would choose decisions that caused them to move. I wish people wouldn't hide when things get hard or when they didn't go their way.

I thought about a friendship I had last year. She and I use to be friends. I pinpointed the time when our friendship fell apart. I wish in that moment she would have just said what she needed to say instead of being passive aggressive and shutting me out of her life. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I know I could approach the anger, the people, the situations, but if there is no movement, no regret, no sorrow from the other side, is it really worth it to put myself out there?

*lyrics from Augustana's song "Stars and Boulevards"

why doesn't someone write this book...

let's say you have a friend, that you were (what you thought) close to and then realized that your friendship no longer existed.

What the hell are you suppose to do when it comes time for their birthday?

More of a question for the universe, not one I am really looking for an answer.

Sometimes, there are no words...

As I reflect over my busy weekend, I'm struck by one thing...how many times I received my "love letter from the Lord". It's a phrase my dear friend Sara uses to explain to little things that you get in your day that just make your day better. Mine often come in the form of great parking spaces on my street or an email from a friend. Recently, they have come through generous donations to my trip to Kenya.

On Friday, I spent time with friends, laughing over beers, playing shuffle board and then went to Sara's house where we watched the Real World Denver and just hung out. Saturday I went to the mall to get some things and ended up at a concert that night. J and I had dinner and then went to see Augustana at the Gothic. It was awesome, even the part where I got picked up by some random guy from Boise, ID who works in Iraq. Sunday, we all sat around in the morning, having honest conversations and then the girls and I went to look for a condo for me.

So where were my love letters? It was in the time I got one-on-one with Sara, just laughing and talking on her couch, it was in the random guy who picked me up, it was in hearing "Boston" played live and feeling the transformation I've experienced in my life since I heard it the first time, and it was in possibly finding my new home.

Sometimes, words can't express the feeling of gratitude that comes with time. Sometimes, the words you want to say aren't there but the sense of growth, love and truth are there and you can move forward. And when those words fail, it's easy to know that the people around you will continue to show you those little love letters from the Lord.