Friday, January 15, 2010

60 days and counting...

It's not shocking that I'm struggling with my impending birthday (now only 60 days away). I think it really comes down to expectations. My expectation on where I would be when I turned 30 are drastically different than where I am today.

My friends J and K always remind me that my life is really good, that I've accomplished so much before my 30th. Why wouldn't I sit in that and realize they are correct? I own my home, I have a job, a master's degree, fantastic friends, a dog. I've traveled to Kenya, I've found my spirit, I've embraced my personhood (to some degree). I know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what pisses me off...seriously, most people never find this out. So why am I not grateful?

Again, it's expectations. I expected that I would be married, with children in the home that I own. I expected to be using my master's degree and now it's a distant memory of who I use to be. I expected to be in a career, not a job. I expected to be settled. And not in the sense that this is the best it's ever going to get, but assured.

What I know to be true is that while things appear to be going well, deep down, I know they are not. I know that the man I want to be with does not want me in that capacity. I know that my fear of ending up like Bridget Jones where I have died alone in my house and I'm being eaten by dogs is very true. I know that I fear losing my job again and being forced to sell my home. That I may never get a master's degree in something I believe in. That I may never join the Peace Corps.

Truthfully, I'm living a life of fear. And it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting therapy again in February in hopes that I can resolve myself and can embrace the beautiful life I do have...until then, I question how I got here and if I can change it in 60 days.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Good bye 2009, Hello 2010

There comes a point in your life when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink, and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious… a grown up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

I don't think I need to recap how 2009 was. If you need a reflection, see either this entry or this entry or this entry. I've never been so ready for a year to end. And yes, I know I will be stronger because of this year (when God shuts a door, he opens a there is something to jump out of). I'm just going to embrace 2010 and see where it takes me...

Seeing how we have 73 days left till my 30th, I'm trying to make 2010 a year that reflects accomplishments. I'm attempting to live within my means, take myself seriously, and know that I will welcome 30 with an open hug as opposed to a swift kick in the ass.

So, I wrote out 15 things I want to accomplish this year. They might seem small, but to me they are big things.

I do need to figure out the last three. I'm taking suggestions, please help!

15 things to accomplish in my 30th year.
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo.
15. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be