Friday, January 15, 2010

60 days and counting...

It's not shocking that I'm struggling with my impending birthday (now only 60 days away). I think it really comes down to expectations. My expectation on where I would be when I turned 30 are drastically different than where I am today.

My friends J and K always remind me that my life is really good, that I've accomplished so much before my 30th. Why wouldn't I sit in that and realize they are correct? I own my home, I have a job, a master's degree, fantastic friends, a dog. I've traveled to Kenya, I've found my spirit, I've embraced my personhood (to some degree). I know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what pisses me off...seriously, most people never find this out. So why am I not grateful?

Again, it's expectations. I expected that I would be married, with children in the home that I own. I expected to be using my master's degree and now it's a distant memory of who I use to be. I expected to be in a career, not a job. I expected to be settled. And not in the sense that this is the best it's ever going to get, but assured.

What I know to be true is that while things appear to be going well, deep down, I know they are not. I know that the man I want to be with does not want me in that capacity. I know that my fear of ending up like Bridget Jones where I have died alone in my house and I'm being eaten by dogs is very true. I know that I fear losing my job again and being forced to sell my home. That I may never get a master's degree in something I believe in. That I may never join the Peace Corps.

Truthfully, I'm living a life of fear. And it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting therapy again in February in hopes that I can resolve myself and can embrace the beautiful life I do have...until then, I question how I got here and if I can change it in 60 days.


Nate Heldman said...

this makes me laugh, and cry, and smile, and nod, and lots of other things all at once.

you will be in my prayers over these days. i'm certain the male vs female perspectives of these expectations and such are quite different. still, the one who meets me at my loneliest times, and most questioning times, and wondering times, and dreaming times...He is the same one who meets you there. and while you, i, and everyone have made choices along the way that have set us at the step on the path where we now are, no step and no turn was unknown to Him. He has not abandoned you. He goes before you and follows behind. He knew you before you were formed. You were before you were born and He knew you. He promised, unbreakably, that He would never leave you or forsake you...that if a good father would care for his children, how much more would He as your Father.

I don't mean to be trite. I don't want to apply spiritual bandaids. But in the deepest places of your heart, mind, and soul, abandonment to whatever He has for you is the only place to find true joy.

I did not discover this in my own life through simple, easy, pleasureable times, although it is just as true then. I found it in losing my house to foreclosure, my business to a bad partner, friends to bad financial decisions, etc. It was the first time in my life that i could truly say "if all i have is You...everything else never happens or falls apart, still i will stay faithful." it's not a perfect declaration...i need to restate it often. but it is the place to true freedom from fear. for if He is trustworthy, then what could i ever fear?

Halsey said...

Hello! Just blogspotting. Great blog! I bookmarked it.

Happy blogging! :)