Monday, December 31, 2007

Rememberance: The greatest year yet

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

It’s funny….I had often asked myself in 2005 and 2006 when I would finally catch my break. While both years were horrible, I finally remembered what it was like to have a good year.

I had written on my 27th birthday that “So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world." So as I look back over the last year, I realized I did have 27 remarkable experiences…here are just a few:

1. I went to Kenya and rediscovered a part of me that is so true and authentic that I can’t deny it. I miss that country every day, I miss my friends who I traveled with and the people I met there.

2. I bought a house. No, really, I bought a home. After spending the last 2 major holidays in my home, it is completely me, completely home. I don’t know if I can spend holidays any other way.

3. I adopted the mutt I live with who is becoming this cuddle bug. He’s great and slowly we we’re figuring out how to make this work. Thankfully he’s getting better personality wise…now, once training gets done, maybe he’ll be the super dog I’ve always dreamed of having.

4. I released the pain I’ve been carrying around since Radius imploded. At some point this year, I finally just said “it doesn’t define me”. While I think the anger I had towards the manipulation that happened was righteous, I can’t justify wasting any more energy toward it.

5. I took a risk and joined a small group through a church here. While the church itself wasn’t the place for me, I walked out with a new, fabulous, dear friend. For a while now, I’ve been praying that God would provide more girlfriends. I had some amazing ones already, but I was desperate for those who were uninvolved with the Radius story…Who weren’t affected by it and who had no idea the hell we had all been put through…In March, I met Christen and I love our friendship. It’s hard to imagine my world in Denver without her.

6. I stood at Coors Stadium and watched the Rockies get into the playoffs.

7. I went to my first SEC game in a really long time and remembered what college football should be and why the SEC is the best division in college sports.

8. I defended my political beliefs when someone when completely out of line with theirs. And no, my liberal thinking isn’t ruining America…it’s allowing more beauty in because of its diversity.

9. I survived my first huge car accident. And the even more remarkable part was that I survived it shame free. Perhaps my desire that my core issue is becoming less threatening might be coming true.

10. I’m beginning to see reconciliation in a friendship that I had released as done. While I am no where near ready to begin sharing openly again, I am ready to at least attempt a relationship again. That feels like growth.

11. I’ve seen one of the best shows (concert wise) in a really long time. Ryan Adams was the best way to return from Africa and completely reemerge as a changed human being.

12. My drives in frolf has gotten better (well, it had, considering I didn’t play much this summer who knows what the throws will be like in April).

13. I cooked my first turkey and was reminded that I am a pretty decent cook. I’m grateful that it is such a release for me.

14. I’ve discovered my passion for photography and that I have a pretty decent eye. And, finally, I’ve gotten all my Africa pictures in a condensed version so people can look at them (You can also look at the 2000 I took, but this the quick and dirty versions).

15. In light of 14, I’ve submitted work for photography shows out of hope to become commissioned. I might even post something on CL to see if people want to hire me. Who knows what will come out of it, but I need to take the risk to figure it out.

16. I’ve discovered that my liberal theology and thinking might be overwhelming to some, but for me is a source of comfort. The comfort comes from understanding, finally, that my theology is ever-changing, but my values don’t. What I believe in, the fact that it’s all about love, isn’t horrible or wrong, it’s truth (at least for me).

17. I’ve taken more risks with my heart than I could even imagine. I’ve loved more, laughed more, and ultimately figured out myself more. While there was one person in particular that had me head over heels and then broke my heart, I’ve decided that I am worth it…I believed in myself more this year than I have in the 26 years prior.

18. I’ve begun to ask for what I deserve and need, which is huge. I’ve learned that my desires and needs shouldn’t be minimized to make someone else happy.

19. I’ve realize that my life at work doesn’t define me and shouldn’t hinder me from pursuing my dreams. And that my definition of what a work relationship should be is perhaps different than what the rest of the world defines it as.

20. I began to meet with a life coach to seek help on where I actually belong career-wise. While I don’t have a clear cut definition, what I realize is that I am truly talented and need to sit in that more often.

While I could go on explaining how 2007 was the best year ever, I know deep down that it’s more than just explaining all I did this year. I know it’s more about the people I met, fell in love with, deepened friendships with and in the midst of it all, and realized who I had changed for the best. Anger, fear, lies, hurt had all been laid to rest and out of it came love, beauty and above all hope. Why 2007 was the best year of my life isn’t really hard to explain, it’s just the fact that I began to love myself more and hate myself less and that’s all that really mattered. Thank you to everyone who was a part of making 2007 the best…I can’t wait to see what happens in 2008!

Friday, December 28, 2007

My desire in someone else's words

“I want to Love. I also hope to find a special kind of love. A love I’ve only heard of but never felt before. I’m hoping God sends me a personal companion. Someone I can gel with, share deep deep thoughts with. A person who is loving and caring. A feely touchy kind of person. Someone sentimental. An intelligent man. A man with strong values and who appreciates the simple things. A guy who is smart enough to tell confidence apart from arrogance. So when he says “Zindzi, You’re Beautiful” and I answer “I know” he would not see vanity rather he’ll see a confident young woman.”

- Zindzi R. Henry

Monday, December 10, 2007

Love Song

If you ever saw the series premier of Private Practice, you saw Addison dancing around naked in her living room. She has her naked song...this might be my new one:

Love Song by Sara Bareilles (you can here it on her myspace page)
Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today

Perhaps the greatest thing ever

I've been home sick today (really sick). And while I've enjoyed catching up on my TV from last week and watching the Food Network (getting inspiration for Christmas dinner), I came across this site.

Holy crap.

This might be my new obsession. You can create your own cookbook. YOUR OWN COOKBOOK!

I could spend hours creating my own cookbook.

I think I've finally decided what my Christmas present to myself will well as my mother's birthday present.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Any suggestions are helpful

I love my dog. He's been a joy to have over the last 2 months. However, I'm slowly beginning to lose my patience and love for my dog.

In the last 2 months, he's eaten the following:
bath towels
hand towels
Christmas ornaments
kitchen shears

I don't know if I can wait until the middle of January to start training him and risk losing my house to his teeth. And I don't know if I can take the risk of spending 8 weeks in training only to find out it hasn't taken and he's just as rebellious as he always been.

So what do I do? Do I turn in him to a family that could love him, have the patience to train him and be with him or do I wait for the chance to do that?

Any and all suggestions will be helpful. I need to make a decision soon...I can't keep living like this.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

a season of: rememberance

Over the next 29 days, I want to be intentional about this season. Remembering what it's all about, what the last year has brought, and other memories that come along the way.

The focus of this blog is about remembering. Specifically, remembering gifts. I think everyone remembers that one Christmas they got a gift they couldn't believe. Some of my most memorable gifts have included a car, my acceptance into the internship, a drill, and many others.

As I sat in church this morning (I know, I know), I remembered one of the greatest gifts my best friend has ever given me.

Tiffany gives me great gifts. Ones that are hilarious (the gnome pj's I got a couple of years ago after a bad break up), ones that are significant (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but perhaps the greatest gifts she ever gave me was the time she asked to take communion with me.

I have no idea what happened around that day, but as she and I stood in line at New Community, she leaned over and asked if she could take it with me. Tears, of course, welled up in my eyes, and in that moment, I realized how much her friendship meant to me. Here we are, almost 9 years later, and I can't imagine my life without her.

Thankfully, I'll get to see her soon and simply catch up, but the best gift I've ever received from her was the gift of friendship.