Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I couldn't resist

Aidan 8 weeks

My brother sent me this picture of my nephew...It's just too damn cute not to put up.

Monday, March 27, 2006

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

I came across that ee cummings quote today and realized how much I love it. And as I searched for more, I found the following...I appreciate those who know exactly what I am feeling and put it into the words I cannot find...

"To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. "

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. "

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

My friends Nick and Wendy are getting married in May and this quote was on their wedding invitation. When I opened the wedding invite on Saturday afternoon, after spending the morning with Viv and Maria and then going to Vicky's to enjoy the spring weather, I saw this quote and began to cry.

My life these days has been swirling. And I know the things that typically make me swirl and get graspy, but this feels different. This feels bigger, this feels deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I want more love. I want to be different, to be the person the Trinity ultimately created me to be. I want to understand my limitations and live in those freely. I want to get through my abandonment issues so that I realize that I am never abandonded by the Trinity. I want to be in a room and be so sure of whose I am that the relationships around me aren't making the ebb and flow of the day.

Everything is making me cry these days. I watched the episode of "Sex and the City" last night where Miranda's mother passes away and bawled my eyes out over their friendships. I cried while I was on the phone with the lender because a) I felt like I was being jerked around and 2) I was still on valium (I had a mole removed last week and the valium they put me on to relax me seriously messed with my emotions). I cried after talking to my aunts and uncles last night because none of them know me at all or even wished me a happy birthday a week late. You name it, I've cried at it recently.

I can't put my finger on what's ultimately being tweaked. But I do know that as I walked home from class last Thursday, I realized that my world inside my head is unsafe, and the world outside of me is unsafe. So for now, I'm waking up every morning asking the Trinity to be there with me in the midst of it all.

By the way, it's spring finally, my favorite season and I can't wait to get out and simply be in the sun. Also, today is my best friend's birthday and she's amazing and I love her and wish I could take her out to lunch and celebrate her all day...I'll just have to do it here in Denver.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger

While it is amazing that the Beatles released "Can't Buy Me Love" today and the fact that the first liquid-fueled rocket was launched and the "Scarlet Letter" was published today in history, nothing compares to the fact that today I was born.

Yes, today is my birthday. A whopping 26...there are times when I can't believe that. When I think that I'm more suited to be in college or even high school, and not living independently in Denver, working 8-5, and considering purchasing a house.

So, what do I expect from my birthday, the same thing I expect every year that the next year will continue to transform me in becoming fully more of who the Trinity created me to be. That my relationships will go to new levels, that new relationships will be formed and surprise me, that I will cry hard, laugh harder, and smile more.

The beauty of a birthday, I believe, is a time for reflection.

What am I grateful for? Well, fun times with Beth Anne at Liks last night. My friends here. My friends across the country. The sun and cloudless sky in Denver today. My health.

What do I want to grow in? My love of the Trinity. My trust in the Trinity. My love for my friends. My risk taking.

What do I want to change? My perspective on life. My use of defense mechanism. My anger. My contempt. My shame.

So here's to a great 26th year. May it be full of surprises.

And of course, to us partying like rockstars this weekend. :)

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Ultimate Birthday #1

Perhaps you are wondering why my ultimate birthday is coming the day before the actual day. Tomorrow's post will be a birthday thought. I'm hoping that this place of realizing some of my shit will subside so I can write a genuine birthday thought and not something that is self-defeating.

So, are you on the edge of your seat to figure out the best birthday ever? Well, no surprise, it's actually the day I was born.

Many of you probably don't know that I was born in Louisville, Kentucky. The funny story about my birth is that supposedly, my dad attempted to make potato salad and it was so bad that it caused my mom to go into labor.

I was born one minute short of St. Patrick's Day, 11:59 pm on March 16, 1980. I was 7lbs, a few ounces and about 20 inches long. The beauty of my birthday is that I shared it with my grandmother for 26 years and my sister was born 10 years before me on March 14th. My cousin was born on March 17th and he's now a freshman at LSU. So March is a good month for my family.

Plus in March I know at least 10 people who have birthdays. Yes it was a pain in high school, but these are people who mean a ton to me.

So happy birthday! and get ready to's gonna be big.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Ultimate Birthday #2

2002- 22nd Birthday

Having a birthday that typically falls in the middle of March, means only one thing. Spring Break typically falls before, after or during the blessed celebration time.

Don't get me wrong, I've spent some great birthdays in some great places. In high school, I was skiing for 3 years in a row. In college, one year was spent on the sandy beautiful beaches of Nassau, where I loved it.

However, the best birthday I had in college had to have been the trip to London I took with my friend Cara. We had a free place to stay. We went to see the Lion King for 10 pounds, Les Mis, and Gisselle. We actually saw Oceans 11 there too. I sat in a wonderful Starbucks, I went to beautiful museums and had a great time discovering mini rolos ( rolos).

The beauty of this birthday was the fact that I realized how much I loved London. I do believe to my toes that I will live there one day. The beauty of their culture, the mix of people, the active life...I love it all. Except for the teeth...I don't like the teeth.

The other beauty of this birthday was the fact that it was damn cheap. Going overseas, for a week and spending only about $700 (total) is amazing and I still look for that deal to this day.

Monday, March 13, 2006


Since I only have 3 days left till my birthday (by the way, you can still buy me something), I've decided to take you on a trip down memory lane of my favorite birthdays to date.

#3 Best Birthday of all time:

2001- 21st Birthday.

My friend Kelly and I share the same birthday week, so for our 21st birthday, we decided to celebrate it together. We started off at some bar in Brookside, where our friends were buying us drinks. I was doing really well, holding my liquor (why wouldn't I?). We were having fun, but decided to go to Have A Nice Day Cafe so we could dance. Becky and I bought a fish bowl, and I believe that I finished most of that off on my own. Here's where my birthday party goes from good to bad.

Jason, who use to be my Young Life leader, decided to buy us shots of jager and I remember sitting on the toilet in Have a Nice Day, trying to cool off. We then proceeded to another place where I drank an amaretto sour with my head on the table and the drink under the table.

So, why would this be an ultimate birthday? Because it's the birthday that every 21 year old dreams of. A majority of 21 year olds want a drunken night of dancing and laughing and that's what I got. I still look at with fond memories. Plus, it was one of the last birthdays I spent with Kelly, and I love that girl.

Tomorrow-Ultimate Birthday #2 2002, London

Thursday, March 09, 2006

7 Days and Counting

Last night, I climbed into bed and picked up the book that I am currently reading. I love it, I'm over half way done and this man's contempt is just on the edge of funny and of yikes! But as I was sitting there, trying to slow myself down from the hecticness of my day, I was struck by a very vivid memory of my grandmother's funeral. It was at the moment they closed the casket, the service afterward and them sliding her casket into the tomb. During those three moment back in August, I cried silently, mostly because I was sick and tired of hearing my brother that I had to be strong and that everything happens for a reason. But last night, I wept. I wept for the fact that in 7 days, I will not be able to call my grandmother and wish her a happy birthday. I wept for the fact that she will not send me a cute card that my mom actually picked out for her. I wept for my dad who will not be able to call his mother on her birthday.

Perhaps my birthday this year is not as typically as celebrated like normal. I tend to spend the entire month celebrating. It's hard to celebrate the year that was (2005 sucked) and the year that will be can only go up. My birthday last year was spent with people over a meal, enjoying each other and that situation spoke volumes of love to me. These were people who I knew loved me, unconditionally, who supported me through some of the toughest moments of my life and eventually would become like a family to me. Let's be honest, I don't feel that here, every moment of every day. And I'm willing to be proactive in trying to create it here. And celebrating a birthday with people who are making the choice to celebrate with me is something that I am feeling loved in and through.

I have 7 days left to make my 25th year redeemable. I have 7 days left to update my wish list so that people are scrambling to get me something will actually get me something I want (down with the Bath & Body Works). And I have 7 days to surrender my desire of what I want my birthday to be, and realize that this year, it just might fall short.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

What I've been trying to say...

Isn’t found through words, thoughts, or actions
It is found in my intuition.

Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps the pain I feel isn’t unique to just me.

What if the whole world was ignoring me? What if I was completely alone?

Would You still be enough?

This is the question that roles through my head
Like a constant drip in your faucet or the humming of the lights

That question doesn’t stop.

So, what if the whole world was ignoring me? What if I was completely alone? What if everyone person I reached out to didn’t follow through?

Would You still be enough?

The quietness of my soul
Rings out for something to answer it

A wave crashes over my boat
The boat with no oars, no spot, no direction
And I begin to flail

I steal from other’s believe
That You are good
That You will provide
That You will protect
And that all this pain isn't in vain

And still I wonder
If this is my life…

Would You still be enough?

Monday, March 06, 2006

It's hard to deny when it's on international tv

A few months ago, Nick and Jeff decided that it would be appropriate to bring back the phrase "to the max". While I appreciate many of the things that Radius has taught me (cheeve, Iowa football, Denver) I was against "to the max". Who would honestly use it? Why would it be deemed appropriate to use in a setting? Of course their energy towards it only made me push back harder. And then Beth Anne started using it, and that was just funny but it still didn't make me want to use it.

However, last night on the Oscars, right after Jennifer Gardner almost fell on international tv, she said the phrase I've been the max. Of course, everyone went crazy, I laughed so hard I started crying and now I know it's going to catch on. I can't deny it any longer (and no offense to Tsinia, but a store name does not make something appropriate to say).

So officially, I will begin to embrace "to the max". This does not mean that I will begin using it, I just won't create a petition to stop it.

By the way, I thought the Oscars were awesome last night. Great job Jon Stewart! It was the max. ;o)

Friday, March 03, 2006


No, I'm not moving, but my friend Wendy here's the details!

1642 Ogden Denver, CO 80218
All things must go Saturday March 4
Items include: furniture, dishes, kitchenware, brand new 19" flatscreen TV, electronics equipment, many items are free
Saturday 3/4 8:30 am - 12:00 pm

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I personally think this is a beautiful idea...

If you are looking for a highly appropriate idea for a birthday gift for me (March 16th, you didn't forget did you???), this would be awesome!!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Being in the state that I am in...

I was driving to lunch today (I'm having a shitty day, I treated myself to this) and I was listening to the lyrics from Alanis Morissette's song entitled "thank u". I don't know why, but I was struck by the lyrics of this song...perhaps it's because of the mess I am in and how I want to say thank you to all those things I've used to protect myself and now I'm ready to be done with them.

As if to tell them, thank you and bye-bye. Imagine if one day, this song was really true for me. That I could remember my divinity. That I could realize the death didn't mean stopping, and what if I could really thank the silence...

Thank you Trinity for brining this song to me in the midst of my neediness.

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
yeah yeah ahh ohhh ahhh ho oh ahhh ho ohhhhhh yeaahhhh yeahh

if it crosses your mind...

I've been sitting in a hard place since this weekend.

Overall Friday, Saturday and Sunday were hard...Don't get me wrong there were moments of beauty (thanks Vivie).

However, since Sunday night, I've begun spinning and I don't know why.

I feel like I'm not communicating myself clearly.

I feel like I'm not being heard (which makes sense since I'm not communicating clearly).

I feel like I'm defending what I think, feel and believe even within myself.

And ultimately, I feel like I'm back in the middle of an ocean, sitting alone in my boat and there is nothing and no one around me to show me where I need to go.

So, if it crosses your mind today, could you send me some good vibes. I feel like I'm losing my mind.