Monday, October 30, 2006

to realize how small the world is

It's freezing in Denver. Well, not right now, not in this moment, but it's going to be freezing tonight.

And as the cold front blew in this afternoon, I decided that the staple of Panera would be the best option for lunch. I walked in, knew what I wanted and ordered my lunch...

However, this is when I realized how small the world was...

I saw one of our clients sitting with 3 other people. I waved, he waved and I thought nothing of it. As he was walking out, I noticed the 4th person at his table. Man, that guy looks so familiar. How did I recognize him?

And then it hit me...for my senior homecoming, I went with my friend Mike. We went retro and had the best time. We went to a malt shop for dinner and just laughed.

That's right, 8 years later, my high school homecoming date is living in Denver, working for our client, 2 blocks from my office.

Supposedly, they are going to bring him...I kinda hope it's tomorrow...It's my hope to rebuild the wonderful friendship I once I had with him...

Saturday, October 28, 2006

thank you Elliot

I went out with some friends tonight, because I could and because wanted to...and as I sat down on a bench to enjoy the beautiful Colorado crisp night and the heaters, this guy sat down across from us (Sara, Jen and I).

He said the following:
"Do you all lay awake at night, thinking to yourself 'I am so beautiful.'?"

I didn't before, but I will tonight...

ahh, the little things in life that make you smile for days...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

a day late and a dollar short

I recently bought the cd "Plans" by Death Cab for Cutie...and I can't stop listening to it. Mostly, I can't stop listening to 2 of the songs.

But the one that is really sitting with me these days is Someday You Will Be Loved...I feel like it's what the Trinity is saying to me these days.

Someday You Will be Loved, by Death Cab for Cutie
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

a commitment to wonder

And by wonder, I'll use's second definition "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel".

In the last year, I think I've lost my wonder. I've shut it down because of my life circumstances (a discussion that isn't fully appropriate here), however, after last weekend, I'm realizing how much I miss my wonder. I miss the part of me that always likes to imagine the best in people, who hopes for people, who believes in Santa Claus, love at first sight, and that the underdog always wins. And I've let others tell me it's wrong, told me to put it away, told me to basically shut up.

But today I am letting the world know that it's back...prepare yourself.

I don't know what happened this weekend, I don't know if it was celebrating Hayden's 1st birthday, or simply hanging out with my coworker and her friend, but here's the deal...I miss being filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel. I want to be filled with wonder in my friendships, that they will not hold back on the hard conversation and that there will be moments of awe. I want to assume that it's possible I am good at my job. I want to be surprised, not ashamed, when the CEO tells me I am doing a good job. And I'm sorry that I let the last year strip away my wonder, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did.

But I want it back.

In a long term relationship, you get your stuff back when you break up. I want my wonder back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it back because I miss it. I miss who I am when I haven't had it. I think Kelly recognized it when she was here over the see how beaten down I was, and she encouraged me to find it again. Tiffany, I know heard it in my voice all year long and didn't believe it until she came here (by the way, she's coming back and I cannot wait).

So, here's the deal...I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it back...and this time, when I get my wonder back, I will not let anyone strip it from me again.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I didn't realize

That asking about test results would lead someone to dump me. Now, I realize that my sensitive heart can be viewed as a flaw to some people, but it's one of the characteristics I love about myself. I've grown to love's taken me years to appreciate it (mostly because it as shut down as a child, but that's for another time).

I'm sorry that I asked, I'm sorry that you chose to respond and open up...that part isn't my fault.

And you are right, I do have'll just miss out on it.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

And it's over

For the last month, I've been seeing a great guy. He was nice, and caring, however it didn't last.

And to be honest...I'm really okay with it.

No, really I am.

Of course I am sad, but not devastated. And I knew it wasn't going to be forever. We had strange hours, we didn't really connect on a deep level, we didn't spend hours trying to figure out what made each other tick.

But for a short month, I understood that I was lovable, desirable and above all worthy.

So, was wonderful meeting you...thank you being a part of my life over the last month...I will always think fondly of you.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I swear, my city isn't this slutty

I just saw this on MTV

Please, vistors and soon to be movers of Denver, remember not everyone in this city is as slutty as The Real World Denver would like you to believe. This makes me nervous.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Isn't downtown pretty?
I am so grateful for my vacation...while there have been moments of anxiety (like getting a crazy flu bug for 6 hours), I am overwhelmed by this trip. Let me tell you a little bit more about my trip...

When I arrive on Thursday, I got to my hotel and dropped off my bags and headed towards the market. Why would anyone shop any place but the market is beyond me. Fresh flowers, fresh fruit, fresh was beautiful. I grabbed lunch and sat at the pier. Staring at the bay was, for the first time in a while, that I felt the freedom to simply stare off into the distance. I decided that since I was on vacation, taking a nap wasn't a bad thing. So I headed back to the hotel for a nap. I climbed into bed, a little chilly, but figured the blankets would help. An hour later, I realized something was drastically wrong. I was freezing, but my ears were on fire. I could not stop shaking. Crazy enough, 10 minutes later I was on fire. I had a freakish flu. It took me 25 minutes to walk from my hotel half a block to buy 2 bottles of Sprite, some saltines, chicken noodle soup and a bottle of water. And of course, every sick person's friend...Nyquil. And by Friday morning, I was fine.

Friday, I went to the Experience Music Project. I loved it. I learned how to play the drums, learned a ton about Jimi Hendrix and felt like I was in my element. It is remarkable to me how much I love music. I have no idea where it came from but I love to be surrounded by it. I went to lunch at a quaint little restaurant on the bay and had a delicious crab sandwich...and then a beautiful moment.

Friday night. I was fortunate to have dinner with 2 people I am crazy for, Erik and Toby. These are two of the men I was able to do 3 years of my life with. Having them in my small group for the 3 years I was at Willow was a blessing and while I sat across from them at dinner on Saturday night, I realized I felt at home. Home, where no one questions you, where you are allowed to be yourself, where you can simply show up...that's where I was. And I loved it. While I have had real conversations in the last year in Denver, I felt like for the first time in a long time, I had a truth-filled conversation. One where everyone shared openly, not because they had to, but because they wanted to, because they felt the freedom to share. It felt like a piece of my soul was handed back to me and reminded me of the gift I was given for three years. And I am grateful. I am grateful for sitting across from them and being heard...truly heard. I feel like only a few in Denver actually hear me. I am grateful for Erik's constantly thinking mind, of incorporating theology into my story and for Toby's compassion and understanding that can only come from knowing where I have been.

The amazing thing I took out of this dinner was my increased desire to know and be known. I want to ask better questions, listen better, love deeper and care everyone, not just the people who I spend the most time with (and them as well).

On Saturday, I awoke late...8:00 am and got ready for the day. I headed down toward my friend Chad's Starbucks. Oh Chad...I love his friendship to me and I've missed it over the last year. Now the creepy man mustache, that should go. I took the ferry out to Bainbridge Island and then turned around and took it straight back to Seattle. I didn't want to stay...All I wanted was the hour and a half to simply stare into the bay. I would have kept staring at it all day. I instead walked around downtown, looking into unique stores for clothes I couldn't afford and accessories I really didn't want. I came back to my hotel to's my vacation, I can do whatever I want. That night, I treated myself to one of the best dinners I have had in a really long time. The Metropolitan Grill offered me Prime Rib, a Baked Potato, and some damn good wine. For the first time ever doing dinner by myself in a fancy restaurant, it was well worth it. So tasty, so relaxed and overall, delightful. I then went to the O Lounge to meet back up with Chad (considering about 20 minutes after I left his store, someone got shot and killed outside of his store, he needed to start drinking as quickly as possible). After drinking some gin and tonics and dancing to 80's music, we finally left. Chad and I decided that doing breakfast on Sunday was the best option considering we didn't really get to talk on Saturday night. After what seemed like a long cab ride home (I've gotten really good at hailing them this trip), I finally made it back to the hotel, with the hopes of seeing Chad in the morning.

Then Sunday came and I flew home. With no breakfast with Chad (I think he was recovering from the night before), I got to the Seattle Airport and just people-watched. The clouds of Seattle saw me out just like they had seen me in. And while I decided that living in Seattle isn't for me right now, what I realized is so many things on this trip. I re-evaluated my values, I saw what I once had was beautiful and that it can be recreated the moment people I love and who love me sit down, and realized that the choices I have made in the last couple of months are what is best for me. I gave myself the space to simply be me, to hear from the Trinity and to enjoy the space again.

I'm grateful to be back, to realize that I need more times like this with people I love and with myself. Maybe Tiff and I can meet somewhere for a long weekend...that would be amazing. But overall, the last 4 days were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

PS-If you click on the picture, you can see the rest of my pictures from the trip.

Monday, October 02, 2006

There are a million reasons to be excited about my vacation

However, perhaps my new favorite is due to the fact that I get to see Chad while I am in town.

Who is Chad?

Chad is my old Starbucks boss who I love dearly, who can make me laugh and who just told me "consider your ass texted".

This is going to be a great weekend...I can feel it already!

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking. ~Earl Wilson

In 3 days I'll be on vacation. I've been dreaming about this day since I first moved to Denver. Realizing the stress of doing a job that sucks the life out of you, I knew I needed to get out of town.

And while my first desire was the beach, what I am doing is the step before I can get there. So, I am off to Seattle!

I've always wanted to visit there, and now with 2 men who I love dearly who did the internship with me being there, I can't wait to see them.

Thursday I'll bum around the city, probably going to the Experience Music Project and enjoying the beauty. Friday I'm hoping to see Toby and Saturday spend sometime with Erik.

I found out that Cary Brothers and Josh Radin are playing Saturday night so I'm going to that show and Sunday I come home.

It sounds perfect to me....

4 days without my boss bothering me? Priceless...
Enjoying Two Buck Chuck, free waffles, and a hot tub...I can't wait!