enjoy the ride...

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride... -Solbeam

On my birthday, my friend Sheralee handed me a small, handmade card. She selected 12 words, 12 words of truth she sees in me. And she's right, I don't believe in these 12 words are the truth about me, especially these days. But I'm trying to. I've made the active choice to spend the next 12 days meditating over these truths. My hope is simple, hopefully by the end of the 12 days I will know they are very true.

encouraging...smart...sexy...vibrant...generous...faithful...fun-loving...strong...beautiful...spontaneous...brave...hilarious...

drown me in love

it's funny, since I wrote my latest manifesto, I've spent hours, minutes, seconds, wondering how to actually put it into action.

I so want it to be true. I want it more than I've wanted anything recently. And the truth is that I feel like I have a direction in my life again. Over the last year, I feel like I've lost what I want to be in true in my life. And I don't think Kenya is to blame for that, I think it reawakened some necessary areas. But I could not and I cannot reconcile the two areas.

I moved out to Denver with the belief that love could do anything, could change the world. And there is the part of me that still believes that, but I haven't put it into any action over the last few months.

So to read those words, to have it resonate in my soul, to cry tears of aching, to realize that you don't know who you are...it's a hard place to be. So, I did the two things I know best to do...I shamed myself and called my therapist.

I desperately want it to be. I am putting as much energy as I can into making it true.

And it continues

I had a dream recently, one where I was back in Kenya.  The Kenya I knew and fell in love with over the summer.  I was sitting around with my Kenyan friends, laughing and playing spoons.

And the reality slowly becomes that the Kenya I knew and fell in love with this summer is ripping itself apart.  And I become nervous.  My friends are suffering great losses and from here, I have no idea what to do.

I received news this morning that my dear friend Julius has lost a family member in the midst of this saga.  And my fear as Julius flies back to Nairobi is what is going to happen to him while he is there. 

This is huge trauma to Julius and his family, but also to us as his friends.  I know I've asked it before, but what do you do when a place you love is falling apart at the seams?  Until I figure out an answer, I read articles like this and cry over the loss and the helplessness I feel.

take a second

If you've read this blog for 3 years or 3 minutes, you know that I have found a deep place for Kenya in my heart. After experiencing the beauty and wonder this past summer, it breaks my heart to see and hear what is going on in Kenya.

I've been worried about friends back there, curious to know what their perspective is like. Thankfully, my friend Nelson has kept me up-to-date on his side of the story from Kenya.

Today, I received this email from him:

Today there is a planed rally by the opposition In Nairobi and the government has denied them the permit to hold that rally. We are praying that The Government and the opposition would sit down together and sort this mess they have created. Today there are prayers for our country in a church near where I leave and I plan to attend. Take care and God bless you

I'm asking for 2 things this morning:
1) Please read what is happening and educate yourself. This is more than just a bad presidential election, this could be the beginning of something much, much bigger.

2) In however it takes shape for you, please pray for Kenya. This is a piece of my heart, my home, and I have friends there that I love deeply and miss on a regular basis. It's been so long since I've asked for prayer like this, and to be honest, I don't know what to pray for. At this moment, anything will be helpful.

It just scares me and breaks my heart to see this happening to my home...