Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I apologize for the language


I fucking own a house...

This might be the weirdest day ever...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

You dance like no one's watching

in light of all that is happening...I need this song to help me to remember that this is big and good and so incredible.

And of course to dance like no one is watching...

Colorful by Rocco Deluca and the Burden

You swim like you're on fire
Live like your last day
Drink like it's water
There's no tomorrow
And you think no one can hear you
Raise your hands to be called on
You know all the answers

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You dance like no one's watching
Sing 'till the song ends
Then you sing some more
And we can hardly believe it
Words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You are an enigma walking
Make no excuses for the way that you carry on
And we can hardly believe it
The words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water, girl

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen

You are so colorful
You are so colorful

You are the most beautifl thing that I've ever seen

so, I have a ghost...

Some of you know these stories, but it's true, I have a ghost in my apartment...

Right after I had moved into my apartment, the string to just turn off the lights in my fan was broken, so I unscrewed the light bulbs, still leaving them in the socket. One night, I turned everything off and went to bed. At 1:00 am, all the lights, including my fan lights, and my TV were on. Yes, freaky...

My second incident with my ghost came some time during the beginning of my second year. I'm fortunate enough to have two doors to my bathroom, one through my bedroom and one through my walk through closet (which is very handy when you have guest stay over). I was awakened one night by the second door latching. And no, there is no way the wind could have closed it.

While I believe my ghost is friendly and means no harm, I think he (I have an intuition it is a guy) is sad to see me go. Last night, as I was working through the pile of things to shred (I LOVE my shredder), it stopped working...and then magically restarted about 2o minutes later...yes, I realize that could be multiple things, but I believe it's my ghost.

I just hope he doesn't move with me...I don't think he'd like my new place

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I'm sorry, what?

I'm looking on the Costco website to see if a membership is worth it for me, when I realized that the website sells caskets, with overnight shipping?

This definitely goes into the WTF category....

choosing the good

What I need to remember about choosing the good is that I don't control it...the anxiousness, worry, and trouble I feel isn't about the good, it's about my desire to control the good.

I need to remember that I deserve the good, that it is what is wanted for me, and that if I try to control it, I'm actually moving away from the good...

I want the good, I just feel like it is slipping through my fingers...

Friday, February 23, 2007

Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love. -- John LeCarre

While driving into work this morning, I started thinking about betrayal. Why people betray one another? Why people sabotage relationships and why, ultimately, I do it too...

In the last 3 years, I think I've experienced more betrayal than I ever had in my entire life. It started during a leadership conflict I had that scared me out of my mind. Watching someone I thought was my friend go behind my back and take something up with leadership, that was painful. However, I had no idea that was only the beginning.

While I chose out of friendships, much like others had in my life, I didn't realize that I was playing a part in the betrayal. That I too was making the choice to betray.

It obviously comes down to people trying to secure their own good. I want the good in my life to stay good and I'll go to extremes trying to protect it. So, why do we betray those we claim we love and even like? Because of self-protection...and to be honest, I'm tired of it...

Thursday, February 22, 2007

the only way to feel again is let love in

Johnny Rzeznik recently said that their song "Let Love In" had nothing to do about a girl...well, duh (that's right, I said duh, I'm bringing it much like sexy)

You decide, because to me, it has to do with the Love, the Lover...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give. -- Walt Whitman

One would think after fundraising for 3 years, I would get use to this...the waiting, the wondering, the stress, the confusion. And yet, every time, it's a new experience.

I stand in awe in the people giving to my trip. I feel so loved through their generosity. Surprises in the faces who give, in the amounts they give, why they give. Having their support continues to push me to give as much as possible while I am in Kenya.

There are moments when I wonder, if I will go, what will happen to me while I am there, what will be broken, what will be resurrected, what will die and what will live. And while it's easy to stand in the fear of knowing and not knowing, for me, it only pushes me towards love. How can I love more here, how can I love more when I get to Kenya. What does it mean in light of my journey.

So, to my supporters, thank are helping me realize a dream, which is an indescribable feeling.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

so please stay and keep me company

While driving through Denver today, a day of beautiful weather that makes me believe spring is a possibility, I started listening to the Counting Crows CD that keeps being passed between my best friend and I...

What I realized is 2 my soul is in distress, not due to circumstances with friends or community but through something that is core to who I am. I'm tired of dealing with this particular core issue because it seems to suck everything out of me and question the God I believe in. The other thing I realized had to do with my past here in Denver, my future in Denver and ultimately what I think could be...and how do I wish for the could be, because the could be is so needed in my life...

Larry's in vegas..with some chick from L.A
the best things are sevens and sex is just ok so please stay
she said just stay

cause there's a show at 11
and the drinks are all free
you can do better for yourself but not me .... please stay and keep me company.

All the while thinking this is the good luck,
stays with her most of the time
takes time to make these machines work,
people are so unkind
Gets kinda nervous
used to be hard.

She takes the edges off evenings
in bedrooms and back seats in big cars.
All the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
people are so unkind.
People are so unkind

She looks in the mirror
to make sure she's here
she keeps disappearing and dreaming of movie stars- weddings
and nothing is happening
He tries not to notice
She thinks he doesn't care.
Capture yourself in a jar and you stay there,
until you vanish
thin air

all the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
but he aint got time while
she's riding in black cars and pokes at the sky
to see if he can make stars and

people are so unkind
people are so unkind..
People are so unkind..
People are so unkind...
people are so unkind
People are so..

Thursday, February 15, 2007

it often surprises me....

That gifts come in the most unexpected fashion.

I won't lie, yesterday was really was hard, and then it was emotionally hard.

I've been listening Damien Rice's new cd, specifically 9 Crimes

leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
With you?
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright? I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?

And then after being sad, a friend who I haven't talked to in ages called because he knew I would understand his emotional stage...and that conversation was incredible, refreshing and dearly needed on a night that was hard to deal with...thank you friend...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

That's What She Said...Or He Said

Perhaps the best made up holiday...make sure you celebrate long and hard on February 15 (that's what she said)...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

because music essential to who I am...

My friend Jeni had this posted on her blog tonight and while I should be writing about how I'm not bitter about being single this year or how it makes me laugh that every man I talked to today forgot about tomorrow, or how I should be going to bed, I am going to post this instead...

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.

How am I feeling today?:
In the Rough
Anna Nalick

Will I get far in life?:
Nelly Furtado & Timbaland (uh...yes, I'll take ironic for a 1,000)

How do my friends see me?:
Your Eyes Open

Where will I get married?:
Soul Meets Body
Death Cab for Cutie

What is my best friend's theme song?:
Emergency Exit

What is the story of my life?:
Not the Same
Ben Folds (God Bless you iPod Random for understanding my growth)

What is/was high school like?:
Jesus Walks
Kanye West

How can I get ahead in life?:
All the Weight
David Berkeley

What is the best thing about me?:
Come Around
Rhett Miller

How is today going to be?:
Ray LaMontagne

What is in store for this weekend?:
Everybody's Changing

What song describes my parents?:
I'll Fly Away
Kanye West

How is my life going?:
Can I Stay
Ray LaMontagne

What song will they play at my funeral?:
Stitched Up
John Mayer & Herbie Hancock

How does the world see me?:
On Top
The Killers

Will I have a happy life?
Secret of the Easy Yoke
Pedro the Lion

What do my friends really think of me?:
Ben Folds

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Burning in the Sun
Blue Merle

How can I make myself happy?
Somewhere Only We Know

What should I do with my life?:
I'm Moving On
Rascal Flatts (amen, amen)

Will I ever have children?:
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Death Cab for Cutie
(ha! this is the song I want played at my if there is a wedding then God willing there are kids)

What is some good advice for me?:
Hands Open
Snow Patrol

What is my signature dancing song?:
Money Maker

What do I think my current theme song is?:
In Your Eyes
Peter Gabriel
(Perhaps it's because I secretly want a boyfriend to stand outside my window with a boom box)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
See the World

What type of men/women do you like?:
Swing Life Away
Rise Against

Sunday, February 11, 2007

What happens at Mardi Gras, doesn't stay at Mardi Gras

the detail of the shoulder pieces

Getting to Mardi Gras was a pain. I left work early, after being there since 6:30 am. I got to the airport, parked my car and went to my gate. 2 hours after my plane was suppose to leave, it finally did. I was worried about catching my connecting flight in Dallas, but thankfully, everything worked out.

We arrived in New Orleans, only to find out that my parents had reserved a plane for us to get to the hotel. We got to the hotel, and it was beautiful. We had dinner on our patio and went to bed around 11:30 pm. Friday morning we got up and went to the hotel where the ball was going to be held. Saying hello to family members, talking with people who all know me, but I have no idea who they are, it was fun...but the real fun came Friday night.

The ball was incredible and the after party was fun. My brother-in-law, sister and I had fun, drinking and laughing and dancing together. To be honest, this was the first time I felt like I could really relate to them an an adult.

Saturday we went to my favorite restaurant in New Orleans. It finally had reopened since the storm. Across the street is the funeral home where both my grandparents had their services and it's next door to their church as well. I had decided that I would go to the church to see the damage there. My dad followed me in...

When we ran into the pastor, the story he told us was a tear jerker....The church had Sunday services and then left to get away from the storm. My grandmother's service brochures were left out on the table and when the church returned, the first thing they saw was my grandmother's face. The water ruined their church, but they were still there, rebuilding.

What I saw as we drove around the city was something that I can't even begin to tell you about. There are parts of the city that look like they have never been touched and other parts that are still looking for help. I'm shocked and amazed at the city...

The parade that night was fun grabbing beads that I'll never keep but it was fun to experience it with my mom...

All in all it was a great weekend, too much fun with my family and something I hope happens again, but right now, I need to sleep...well, sleep and pack.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

this must be what heaven is like

Playing on PBS right now is Ray LaMontagne and Ben Folds...two of my favorite singer/song writers of all time.

Heaven must be similar right? Where you see all the bands you want, one right after the other? It must...
Dear Sam Champion (weatherman on Good Morning America),

While I understand a portion of the United States is experiencing a deep freeze/unbearable temperatures, some of us are experience 58 degrees, with sunny skies.

To be quite honest, I don't feel any sympathy towards you.

Wearing flip flops in February,

ps-this is a scary picture...

Monday, February 05, 2007

a couple of things

To whomever put together this list, God bless helps me believe more in God.

Also, I realized today as I was putting an event on my google calendar, that I've crossed into adulthoood. Who else puts that they need to go to Sears to buy a washer and dryer on their calendar? Welcome to the other side I guess.

C: I was looking through some pictures last night of a fellow blogger and realized that they actually caused more pain than good. Am I being self-masochistic by repeatedly putting myself in those situations or am I simply trying to still connect with these people? Just a question for the universe...

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Why stress just might kill me...

Sometimes I wonder if I take on too much at once...I've never been someone with killer patience. I often want to do more than I can.

Case and point...

Buying a townhouse....Last night, as I sat around with my beautiful friends, we realized what this opportunity means for all of us. A space for us to grow into, where we can be comfortable and relaxed with each other. And what it means for's going to be an amazing opportunity.

Moving up in my career...beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Having people recognize what I am capable of is always a good thing...changing positions, probably not ideal in the midst of everything.

Kenya...I'm nervous about making my fundraising goals. I shouldn't be, I know that the trip is suppose to happen and I'm suppose to be on it. I feel it in my gut, but what if? What if I can't do it? What if I can't find the money? Maybe it's a bad idea...(I know it's not, but this is a thought that is running through my head).

Anyways, I'm hoping my attitude changes before New Orleans because I want to enjoy my time...but I'm also hoping that stress isn't real and that everything will eventually come together. Until then, I think I'll go get some coldstone.

yeah, that's okay...

High: 57 °F RealFeel®: 58 °F
Partly sunny and not as cool

When you predict that the weather is going to be partly sunny and not as cool, that's not necessarily a bad thing. To be honest, it's awesome.

Thank you God that it's changing...

Friday, February 02, 2007

Today has been a shitty day

It's true...I don't know if it's due to the weather or something else, but today has been a day to delete from the calendar.

Anyways, I just got amazing news from a friend (I won't share it because I don't want to steal her thunder) and it totally made my day.

I can't wait to see her shining face and just to sit across from me...

This is what I needed to change my day...thank you dear friend

Thursday, February 01, 2007

29 more days

Don't worry, I'll get tired of the following too, but for right now, it's true....

29 days till I get to run the dishwasher and my dishes are done

29 days till I get to run my own washer and dryer and my clothes are done

29 days till I no longer wonder how far away I'll have to park away form my house on cold, snowy, wet days

29 days till I have so much room that I don't know what to do

29 more days until I have some freedom...