Tuesday, November 30, 2004
On Sunday we had the following conversation:
"Oh I have a voice mail."
"Maybe Zach Morris called asking if he could get his phone back."
Tonight, as I was putting on my coat, my phone fell out of my pocket and onto the floor. The battery is now being held on by masking tape. Perhaps if I submit to MTV, Xzbit will come and pimp my phone.
I do not put up decorations prior to Thanksgiving, I do not keep them up later than New Years Day.
I do not listen to Christmas music every single second of every single day up until Christmas.
I do like to watch the Plaza lights come on, I do enjoy watching Elf, Charlie Brown's Christmas and Christmas Vacation in order to get into the holiday spirit.
But what my office did today to get people to come to the Christmas party was a step too far.
They had a grown man, dressed as Buddy the Elf, walk around, handing people invitations, attached to a Coke bottle (a real one for that matter), quoting the movie and making sure that people would come to the party.
A little over the line in my book...what happens when your office has a Christmas party?
Monday, November 29, 2004
Anyways, because of this idea that everyone and their mother wants to know more about me, here's the latest.
I think I'm getting sick, which totally sucks because I'm trying to finish up school work (2 weeks left, 2 papers, and a vocab quiz). Stuffy nose, sore throat (which came before the stuffy nose), a little cough. I had bronchitis my first year here, I can't afford (literally and figuratively) to get sick.
Curses to you common cold!
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
It's not that I don't have the house to myself often (in fact I do), but it still doesn't feel like a home. Does that make sense? All of my places in college felt like a home, and even the little place I had here my first year was home, but this still doesn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong...I love living with my roommate. She's fun and fantastic, but there are times when it is hard.
I'm ready to move. I'm ready to have a place to myself, where I decide the decorating that happens and I'm ready to be in charge. I'm ready to be in charge in my head, financially right now, I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. But that's a different story.
I'm ready for a new location. I'm ready for a change of scenery. My friend Viv and I were talking the other day and she was mentioning about how she changed everything in her life 4 years ago and she just isn't ready to change everything quite yet. I'm the exact opposite. For me, I'm use to moving every 3 years, so this feels natural to want to change.
In the past, I have been questioned about my longevity with a church/house/ministry. About every 3 years I get the itch to move, to change, to do something different. Granted Kansas City is the longest I have ever called a place home, but even in KC, I changed stuff around. BVN and LMS were the only places I stayed for a long time. I switched churches, from Colonial to Heartland in a span of 3 years. I switched part time jobs, Nill Brothers, Gap, Wal-Mart pharmacy, Houlihan's. Two lasted a year and a half, two lasted 3 months. I'm realizing that this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know if I'll ever call a place home because I'm use to moving so much.
I realize I'm babbling, but isn't that what the blog is for?
Someone asked me recently what I wanted my last 6 months to be marked by. I told him that there were things I still needed to learn, about myself, about leadership, about ministry. I told him that I wasn't hesitant about going further on the transformational journey, which is a new feeling. And I told him what I really wanted my last 199 days to be marked as investing in friendships.
For example, Kristen. I feel like I've known Kristen the entire 3 years I have been here, but it has only been recently that I have gotten to know Kristen. I have felt like she and I could be soul mates...but we are still getting to know each other. I love spending time with her; she makes me laugh, she wants to fall more in love with Jesus and yet she still understands that we shouldn't live the closed off life. I feel like our friendship really took off on July 4 this year when we went to the city to see the Counting Crows and we both love that band. It was an amazing night and I can't wait to get to know her better over the next 6 months.
And of course there is Craig. We really do have a sibling relationship with each other and for a while we didn't hang out much because we both were in the midst of transitions, but I feel like there is an opportunity for us to become better friends. There are times when I'm sure like any sibling relationship we need space for each other (especially since he is on this kick where he believes he is an I on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test and I'm an off the chart E) but I really do enjoy having him in my life.
And then there is Toni. She and I have met through Axis (I tend to meet people there) and we clicked right away. We tend to do lunch once a month at Chili's (a staple restaurant for those of us who work at Willow) and yet I feel like she and I could continue to be friends after I leave. I really want to get to know her better and see what happens in 199 days.
Of course though, I want to continue in my friendships with Viv, Cookie, Sara, Nicky, and my boys (Scotty, APes, Chick, Tobs, Tobs, Potter). My life wouldn't be the same without these people.
It's weird to be spending a major holiday without my family, without being in KC. If it hadn't snowed today, I'd be tempted to drive home. But I'm excited to be here, celebrating it with the Millers and enjoying the house to myself.
All this was said in order for me to say HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING. There is a lot to be thankful for this year. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for that has happened today, this week, this month, this year. It will draw you closer to the heart of God, which is where I believe transformation can really begin to happen.
Monday, November 22, 2004
There, that feels better.
I don't know if many of you knew that about me, but it's true. I love musicals. I love the set designs, I love the costumes, I love the music and the talent that comes from the stage. I love seeing people who most likely have to work two jobs because they cannot afford to live off their passion, give it their all in order for people to get lost in the story. I get their passion, and because my money situation is tough right now, I understand how that passion often pushes you to go beyond the current boundary you have for yourself.
I own soundtracks of musicals, both live shows and movies that I listen to and sing along with. I've seen only a handful, but I love going to them. There is the little actress inside me that was stifled long ago when a friend told me during our 8th grade play that I was only given the part because I looked like the character (curses to you Ashley Moore). After that, I didn't want to do it because I didn't believe I had the talent to do it.
My friend Craig wants me to do spoken word pieces for Axis and the first time I did it I was so scared because I didn't think I could do it. I loved it, I hope he asks me to do it again sometime.
"Wicked", "Les Miserables" and "Mamma Mia" are all coming to Chicago. I'd do anything to see all of them. My hope is that I get to, I just need to save up the cash to go. Until then, I'll continue to sing along in my car to CD's of shows I wish I had the talent to be in.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
It's 1:46 am, and I should be in bed, asleep, but I can't sleep.
Perhaps I'm still buzzing off the amazing set U2 played tonight on SNL and it's a reminder of how I will do almost anything to go to their next concert. I'd even be willing to come to KC for it.
Perhaps it's because I met with my mentor today and her words of amazing wisdom are still rolling around in my head.
And because I can't sleep and I don't have a fun book to read (I'm taking suggestions), I decided to look at pictures. These were pictures of my years in college. My freshman year -- the dorm, Ichthus, a Young Life retreat that involved Silent Football, my sophomore year -- trip to the Bahamas with a friend I don't talk to any more and photos of her wedding for that fact, my junior year -- living with two girls I couldn't stand and yet living with one girl that recently we opened the lines of communication again and I can't wait to see her in December when I am home, and finally my senior year -- dinners at the Leavenworth house to a trip to London (where my heart still longs to live) and a pub crawl that was great. There are people in these pictures that I can't remember who they are (well, I remember first names, like Michael ____ who was going to be a doctor and lived with John Pryor...anyone?) but I remember that they were so much a part of my life that I couldn't live without them.
And for some reason some old high school pictures were added into the mix, which pushed me back further. Once again I am reminded of people that I couldn't live without, people who encouraged me and sometimes crushed my spirit in the same breath. The names are a little harder, but the sentiment is still there.
I'm currently learning how to continually surrender and grieve the relationships in my core/committed/connected circles of life and I'm realizing that as I head home in a couple of weeks, there are people I want to see so that my soul will continue to be alive while I am there (Tiff, Bri, Van, Kelly, Brooklyn, Kim), people I need to see because of fund raising (Kim, the Franz's, Brenda) and people I long to see because I miss them and want to hear how they are doing (Christina, Wes, Chris, Leslee, Matt and Robbie, Tipton and Becca, Amy).
I know I'm in a needy, vulnerable spot right now, and I'm okay with that, but there is a part of my soul that is crying because I miss these people so much, but the other part is asking how do you continue on after so many years, after some hurts, and after so much change. Even though I am a bit sentimental at 1:46 am, I'm realizing I still have so much to learn about relationships in general.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Thursday, November 18, 2004
He worked for Student Ministries North Shore and had a background in Young Life . I was curious about other organizations using Young Life's camps and wanted to have coffee with him. I scared him at first, and now we are friends. He's an actor, poet, writer, and an intern groupie. I am a writer, a person who loves actors and an actual intern. We get along great.
Back to last night...Craig has learned that calling me after 11 pm is a tricky thing because I tend to be asleep, but I was up last night. He asked me about my day, and I said I had gone shopping, spent some time with the Trinity, and watched trashy TV (American's Next Top Model and Nanny 911). He asked me who the Trinity was...
Now, I was taken aback because he works for a church and a Christian university. He thought I meant Viv, Cookie and myself...I actually meant God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. T-h-e TRINITY. I was about to break back into Evangelical Christian mode.
Still, I laugh out loud...Besides, Viv, Cookie and I are the Three Amigos...get the nickname right at least.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
I loved serving with this man. He was so much, so encouraging, such a servant and I thoroughly enjoyed being around him. He made my time at Elevate so enjoyable. In fact, all my leaders did (once we got past 3 months where it was so hard) and I wouldn't trade my time with them for the world. Actually, I wanted to bring all of them with me when I transferred to Oasis and Champions.
As I went in to give him a hug, he said the following "I miss your leadership". And something inside my soul jumped for joy. There were so many mistakes I made while I was at Elevate, and I own those. It was the hardest season I've ever had in ministry (my whole second year was tough) and now 6 months after I left, I hear those encouraging words that I didn't mess up, that I wasn't a failure, that I was valued. We both said we should catch up some time and he went to his table and I went back to mine.
My breakfast with Sara was amazing. Talks about Denver, friends, life, school crap, etc. It was what my soul needed. But let me tell you, those words that my old leader spoke to me will be the encouraging words I needed for this week. It was amazing.
Trust me, I'm in a good place right now. A major season of conflict resolution has ended well. Oasis ended last night until January and I have all of Thanksgiving off. Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I had grown, that I have changed, and I'm so much more of who I was created to be that I love it. I'm doing really well and those words still had a huge impact on me.
Encouragement is so hard for some people, especially if they didn't grow up with encouragement in their families. But try it. Tell someone how much they really mean to you. Send someone a piece of real mail, one that requires a stamp and the postal system. Pick up the phone and make someone's day...You have no idea what it will do for them, you have no idea what it will do for you.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Friday, I called Van to wish her a happy birthday. Unfortunately, her present didn't get mailed on time, and now it's just sitting on my desk begging to be sent. Hopefully I can put it in the mail this week sometime.
I've been working on my statement of faith, which is basically my senior thesis for my program. It was much harder than I thought and it's due on Friday, November 19th, which means I had to get it done this weekend. I spent Thursday evening trying to write something, but it was complete crap, so I had to start over again on Friday. I feel better about what I am writing now, but I won't know for a while if it's what the Bethel gods are looking for. I sure hope so...
Friday night I saw the second Bridget Jones movie. Please wait to see this movie until it comes to DVD or to your very fun $5 movie theater. It was the first one, which slightly different lines, but that's about all that changed. It wasn't worth the $8 I spent (thank God for student id's)...very disappointing.
Saturday, I had lunch with a friend and shopped for Christmas presents. With the financial situation being tough these days, I don't know what to give people. And thankfully I'm not in high school any more where I have to give to thousands of people, nor will I be receiving 12 years worth of Bath and Body Works scented lotion/soap/body spray/etc. I rented three movies: "Saved" (you are just jealous of my success in the Lord), "Lost in Translation" (Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be. Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.) and "God is good and I am not" (a French film, don't bother). I went to dinner with a friend (Hi Viv) and then watched Saturday Night Live (not funny...I miss the good old days of when it was funny...heck, that was last year).
Sunday, I finally watch "Lost in Translation". Very good...if you enjoy the art of film and not just movies, this is a great movie. "Garden State" reminds me of this film and I love them both. I went to Axis last night and it was an amazing program. Jarrett hit it out of the park last night. Hopefully it will be up soon so you can listen to. We talked about dating and it wasn't your typical dating talk, but how we tend to lose our identity when we do date. I would listen to it if you get a chance. Had Viv and Kristen over for dinner and watched "Scrubs".
It was a decent weekend and my soul feels very light from it. It looks like it's going to be a busy week. A vocab quiz, a paper, and my statement of faith is keeping me quite busy. Hope you are doing well...
And yes, I changed the blog color again...I like this better, but I don't know if I love it.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Thursday, November 11, 2004
First I changed my hair color...
Now I changed my blog color...
Let me know what you think. I can't quite decide how I feel about this change.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
I just emailed a friend of mine for the first time (he just got email). He's one of the few who will really laugh hard at Canadian corn, limousine margaritas, and of course the air c.
I keep checking my email because I'm waiting for him to write me back.
Hello, McFly! He's probably not sitting around waiting for you to email him so he can email you back.
These are the times when I realize I need a life.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
And by random, I mean it's playing country one moment and hip hop the next.
Anyways, I was listening to it as I was driving into work today and now I can't get some of the lyrics out of my head. This isn't a bad thing, but I often feel like so many artist are singing the songs of my heart. Somehow they have written down the things that I feel but haven't shared with anyone and these strangers know what I am saying. Here's an example of the songs I have in my head:
"You've crossed the finish line/Won the race but lost your mind/Was it worth it after all/I need you here with me/Cause love is all we need/Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall/Well I know what I've been told/Gotta break free to break the mold..."Lazlo Bane
"Last time I talked to you/You were lonely and out of place/Hope you remember me when you're homesick and need a change..." Our Lady Peace
"It does not bother me to say this isn't love/Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love/And I guess I'm going to have to live with that..."Counting Crows
I think it's stupid not to think that music doesn't influence who you are and what you think, but for me, I can't live without music. It's essential to who I am and for me, right now, it's touching a part of my soul that I can't get to...
Monday, November 08, 2004
My friend Kristen took this picture at AXISPALOOZA last night. This is where we as a community reflect on the music that has impacted us over the past year. We have no idea what's gonna get played, what will happen, who will show up, but it's one of my favorite nights in the Axis year (running only behind the Axis retreat and worship nights).
God, I love this church....
And yes, that is my pastor in the sunglasses.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I arrived to hang out with the bride and the bridesmaids at 11 am, watched them get their hair done, put on make-up and then drive to the church. We took pictures outside (it's already cold in Chicago) and hid from people.
The ceremony itself was awesome, so them (the recessional was the theme song to "West Wing"), a little John Denver, trouble bustling her dress and then off to the reception.
This is where the drama begins. I don't want to go into all the details, but the guest book didn't arrive with who it was suppose to, she ended up confronting me (I'm getting really good at confrontation these days), and drove home angry.
All in all it was a great evening and I felt so special being included on this special day.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Last night I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep and a friend of mine from high school (go BVN) popped into my head. I haven't seen her since graduation, and if I'm honest, we didn't end on the best of terms either. My high school graduation wasn't anything spectactular. Our graduation song was "I Believe I can Fly" by R. Kelly, I got into a fight with parents, and the one person I wanted to be there said he wasn't coming and then he surprised me by being there. All and all, I was happy to graduate from high school, but I always thought I would keep in better contact with those I spent so much time with.
So I got to thinking about all my friends from high school, both at my school and people I knew from the Kansas City area because my high school youth group had people from both sides of the lines and so here are a list of people I wonder what they are doing with their life now...
- Bobby and Jeff A.
- Curt P.
- Chris C.
- Wes M.
- Whitney Y.
- Julia G.
- Jenny L.
- Christine H.
- Chris L.
- Brandon N.
- Brett O.
These aren't just random people, these are people I laughed with, cried with, drove around with, went to dances with, had crushes on...and I know I could find them on Classmates or Reunion, but that's not the same. I don't even know if they still are in KC, goodness knows I'm not, but I'm just curious to know what life looks like 7 years after you graduate.
Monday, November 01, 2004
For me, the past two and a half years have been a journey about finding out who I truly am. Of course, I always thought I knew who I was, but it wasn't until I began the internship here that I realized that I had no idea who I was. And when I got here and started meeting with Sheryl, we started on a journey of rebuilding my relationship with God the Father. I read books after books regarding this issue and eventually one that really spoke to me was "The Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen. It's amazing (and short) and you should pick it up.
Recently, I've been working on my adolescent idealism towards the world, people, and relationships and I read "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. One of the few books I have actually thrown across the room because I couldn't handle it any more. And I feel like I've gotten better at that, and I've worked through some of the issues there, but still, it's a slow process.
And then last night at Axis (www.generationaxis.com) Darrien spoke about the masks we wear in front of God, basically because we are afraid to let Him, our creator, see our real selves. And we had an opportunity to get a nametag for what we felt like God was saying to us, who He calls us. I moved towards the table of beloved, simply because this is my identity in the Trinity that I have understood the past two years. And so, when it all comes down to it, my highest dream, if I only knew it would be to fully live in a place where I could live out my belovedness and give it away to others at the same time. Isn't that what we are called to do? To build relationship, to love on one another, and to eventually share our lives with people? "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."
Good luck Radius this weekend on your retreat...oh how I wish I could be there and simply love on all of you...you will be in my heart and prayers.