Friday, December 30, 2005

Good Bye 2005

How do you sum up a year you would rather forget? I would use the following words:
  • Pain
  • Grief
  • Abandonment
  • Fear
  • Confusion
  • Transformation
  • Laughter
  • Tears

But to be honest, this was the hardest year I have ever gone through. Let me recap the year for you. Settle in, because this is going to be long...

In January, I returned from a trip to Kansas City (like usual) and arrived back to find out that my mentor was leaving Willow in June. I was hurt, angry (at Willow, at God, at anything that walked by me), I was sad, not for me, but those in the program who only had a year or 2 years with the most powerful woman I know. I left for Bethel, my last intensive, and finished one of the hardest "papers" I have ever written...the statement of faith (if I ever get really ballsy, I'll post it). I also found out in January that my friend Vivian was moving to a magical place called Denver.

At the end of January, my grandmother had a stroke and I realized that this would be the year I would lose her. I would now be grandparent-less and my birthday buddy wouldn't be around any longer. When I returned from Bethel in February, I found out that the second most powerful woman in my life, Carol, would also be leaving Willow. In the midst of all the pain of leaving Elevate and moving into Oasis and Champions, Carol gave me space and the support I needed. She encouraged me to try new things, she listened deeply, cared deeply and shared an intimate part of my life with me. How the hell I would survive Willow without her and Sheryl would be tough. Only then I didn't know I wouldn't be at Willow past June either.

In March, the wonderful young woman I mentored for a year suffered a great lost, along with many people in our community. Laurie's death is unexplainable, but everyone affected still yearns for a way to connect more deeply with each other. I lost a job with Young Life, one that I desperately wanted, and still don't know why I didn't get it. My 25th birthday party was the best. I have never felt so loved with a group of people before and I may never experience that again, but I loved it. I made a decision to go to a Radius Retreat, bought a ticket with money I didn't have and simply wanted to get away...

In the midst of January/February/March, I had a conflict resolution that popped all my authority shit, and was one of the hardest leadership lessons I've ever gone through. It was a good learning lesson but never again. I learned that mistake once, I refuse to learn it again.

April started with me at a Radius retreat, learning the word cheeve and losing some weight thanks to boot camp. I came back from the retreat, after wrestling with the Trinity all weekend long, knowing that my next step would be Denver. I slowly started removing myself from ministry opportunities and began another cycle of grieving, saying good bye to my small group.

In May, we lost a leader and that was my second suicide in the year. 2 too many. It was a blow to our ministry, and our leaders responded in such a good way. But again, it brought up Laurie and everyone I lost to death over the years. My small group had our last official Friday morning meeting, and I wasn't ready for it. We sat in that room, crying, realizing what we had was special, that I wouldn't trade it for the world, that we've never experienced community in such a way before, and there is a slim chance we may never again. I began packing my room. I did no work (well, very little) for my last class of seminary. I came to Denver to look for an apartment and had a wake up call on what the community might look like when I get here.

In June, I said good bye to Willow, to my small group, to my community, to my life in Chicago. I set up intentional good byes with the people that really mattered to me, and felt like I ended well. I graduated from Bethel. I moved to Denver. And I began to realize how much I missed my community. I felt alone, distant, and an island in a city where I knew people. I couldn't understand it. I had no stability in my life, and all I wanted was someone, anyone to pursue me. I also began working "normal" hours, dressing up for work and it still kills my soul.

In July, nothing major happened. More grief, more pain, more feeling alone.

In August I went to a concert by myself. I went camping for the first time and actually enjoyed it. I got a new temp job (which eventually became my permanent job) and then 2 catastrophic things happened. The first was having my grandmother pass away. While I'm glad she's no longer in pain, I miss her, it was weird not talking to her on Christmas Day (or even recognizing her on Christmas Day). Watching the coffin close was one of the hardest things I've ever seen. Then Katrina hit New Orleans and slowly washed away a second home to me. It's painful to see the pictures, memories are gone, however, I believe that town will rise again (the South always does). Fleeing the city, hearing the rain, these are memories I will keep with me forever. Andy came to visit, and that gave me so much love.

September came and went and the takeaway from that was that my beautiful best friend had a beautiful baby girl. That family just keeps growing.

October, Radius had another retreat, which was another eye opening life changing event. It centered me. I chose this community, I choose what happens to it. I finally accepted it for more of what it was. I began to feel lighter. An old Ryan Adams song became my theme song and I realized that I still have a ton of grieving to do around my small group from Chicago.

November was good, starting with Brian and somewhere in the middle losing Brian. For that brief moment, I realized I was worth loving. I was sad to see him go, I was confused and hurt, but I'm one hott mama, there are plenty of fish in the sea...I had an amazing Thanksgiving dinner with Radius and began to realize how much I really enjoy spending time with Wendy and Jenny.

And now it's December. There are days of sunshine and laughter (like dancing around the Virgin Music Store with Maria). There are days of darkness and confusion about who I am, what I am doing, where I will be. The holidays were fine, only a few things tweaked me theologically and relationally.

So, what you may ask do I want out of 2006? Anything has to be better than the year I had. I'm reminded of the "Friends" quote when they were making New Year's Resolutions:

Ross: No divorces in 99 Chandler: I thought your divorce isn't
going to be finalized until 99. Ross: 1 divorce in 99.

I want to say there will be no grieving and I know that's not true. I've just learned how to accept it more. I want what everyone wants.

I want 2006 to be a year of love. Not romantically (though that would be nice) but holistically. I want to experience the Trinity's love in a more fuller way. I want to be love to others. I want to be loved in new and fresh ways. I want this song to be true in my life.

May your 2006 be filled with love...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I can't believe I'm admitting to this...

So, when I first discovered Napster in college, I downloaded so much crap it wasn't even funny. The first song I ever downloaded was "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.

I now hate that song.

However, one song I secretly loved was this (I'm too ashamed to even put the title on this blog). I would listen to it, cranked up and sing along. Cheesy? yes. Meaningful? in the moment. Do I have it now? NO!

So, while I was on hold this afternoon trying to clear some things up, it was playing. And all of the sudden, I was standing in the middle of Moore Hall, room 543 singing along.

Thank God for transformation.

By the way, the year in review/hopes for 2006 post will be posted on December 31st. Until then, enjoy the rest of 2005 (personally, I'm glad the worst year ever is ending, but more on that later).

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Making a mistake that I can't make again...

Last night, I wanted to go to dinner with my friend Sheralee and ever since Brian and I broke up, all I want is Chili's, so Sheralee and I decided to go to Chili's for margaritas (once again, work was stressful) and good conversations. I thought that Brian wouldn't be working (he didn't typically work Monday nights) so it would be relatively safe for me to go. I mean, it only took 3 weeks for me to go back to the 16th Street Mall, after some time, I thought I could handle going to Chili's.

And here's the realization I made. Yes, I can handle Chili's, it was seeing Brian I couldn't handle. We walked through the door and he was the first person I saw. And once we were seated, I started crying. (You should have seen Jenny and Marko's faces when I told them this story). It was hard, but I realized how much grieving I still have to do around this situation. So much for being over him.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

This one goes out to my friend To Bring

In High School, I was friends with a girl named Traer (which is a Spanish verb "to bring" and a family name for her). She lived in Lee's Summit and we did so much together. In fact, after I graduated from high school, she and I (with like 10 other people) went to Paris for 2 weeks. It was amazing. We laughed, we found really cute boys to hang out with and still I look at those pictures today and realize we had a great time.

Prior to leaving for Paris, The Wedding Singer came out to the theaters and I loved the soundtrack (there is also a good memory with my friend Jordan, but that's for a different post). Traer and I would crank it up to the loudest it would go and dance around. One of the songs that always makes me think of Paris is "every little thing she does is magic" by the police. I think of the 30 year old, us wandering around Paris and how I fell in love that summer with the most amazing boy, however those feelings were not reciprated (another blog, another place, another time).

Recently there has been a remake of that song and every time it comes on I think of her. Of us dancing in our hotel room, delirious from the flight and trying to figure out how we were going to meet up with the 30 year old and his friend. So, to my friend To Bring, I dedicate the following lyrics to you:

Though I've tried before to tell her
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart
Every time that I come near her
I just lose my nerve
As I've done from the start
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes onI
resolve to call her up a thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way
But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone?
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

maybe it's just me...

But when I get into stressful and hard situations, I don't crave alcohol (no I use that to hide from any to me about this summer...actually talk to anyone I was in small group with over the last three years with, they'll say the same thing) or exercise (freaks). I want grease. Sonic, Taco Bell, Burger King, anything...

I don't know what it is about this week. Whether it's preparing to go home or work in general, but I'm stressing like crazy. I need a nap constantly and all I want is a bacon cheddar burger from the Cricket (the world's best should come to Denver to check it out)

So, I'm trying not to go (I have a lunch packed and my friend just gave me a few of her fries), but I don't know if I can resist temptation much longer.

Just food for thought.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

oh what a night...

So last night, I went to a free concert here in Denver (I also realized that all the concerts I've been to in Denver have been for free, but that's another blog story). And it was great. Goo Goo Dolls, Better than Ezra, Howie Day, and Anna Nalick for FREE!!!

It's a story that is inappropriate to share on the internet on how I actually got to go (sticking to Dooce's rules about not talking about work on the blog), but I went and it was exactly what I needed. I began to think about why I love to go to concerts. Is it because it's seems like a community? People uniting for one thing that they love (or tolerate). Is it the energy, the force of excitement that someone feels when their words are being screamed back at them? Is it my desire for me to be in the same light? I don't know, but I love going to concerts. It was amazing and for can't beat that.

I met these amazing guys one of which invited me skiing with him and his boyfriend sometime. We are going to try to grab drinks at some point. Ahh, the gay boy connection continues in Denver (Hi Eric and Darren!).

And I talked to a male stripper, but that's a different story all together.

Anyways, it pays to listen to the radio...Thank you Alice 105.9 for a great way to kick off the week.

On a complete side note, the Golden Globe nominations came out, and I would like to congratulate the following person on his nomination and to say that if he needs a date (you know that if Mandy can't be there), I would be more than happy to fill in.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

On Sunday, after a TC meeting with Radius and a nap to recover from Saturday night, my friend Sheralee and I went to Wal-Mart and Lowes to get Robert.

Who's Robert? That's my Christmas tree. He's a beautiful fir, that's big and soft and makes my apartment smell wonderful. We added lights, decorations, and thanks to Real Simple, wrapped the boxes so it looks like there are real presents underneath. I love it! It's so good for my soul and I can't wait to get home to it tonight.

Stop by and see it and if you can't do that, then check out these photos!

Friday, December 09, 2005

this is how angry I am

Mrs. White: I hated her so... much... it... it... the... it... the... fee... flames... flames... on the side of my face... heaving... breathless... heaving breaths...

-From the movie Clue

Thursday, December 08, 2005


"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love."
- essayist Hamilton Wright Mabie

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

My best friend ROCKS!

There are people who know you well, who can look deep into your eyes, into your soul and know what is really going on with you.

Many people will attempt this, however, only the few will know you to your core. I'm grateful that I have many people like this, but they have been recent additions. No, my best friend has known me for over 5 years and I'm eternally grateful for her friendship.

Our stories intersected at KSU, through Young Life, but it wasn't until a retreat for Young Life leaders that we really began to connect. We have seen each other at our best, our worst, and those moments in between.

But here is how well my best friend loved me yesterday. She understood that the boy situation was hard. She understood that even though our relationship was short, intimacy can't be measured by time. So in order to love me well from 8 hours away, she sent me a package. Now I rarely get packages from people (except for my mom, who sends me coupons and old magazines each week). So when I saw this package on my front steps, I got really excited. I opened it up to find some very fun new pjs filled with garden gnomes and some hilarious magnets of lawn ornaments. She loved me so well in that moment and I love her for it. I can't wait to see her when I get into KC in a few weeks.

So, my advice this cold Denver morning...thank God for your friends who know you so well that they can send you exactly what you need in the moment you need it...that is what community is all about.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

do you know what today is?

Look around you...what are you grateful for? Do a quick exercise of the things you are grateful for. It could be your job, your friends, the peppermint mocha from Starbucks, anything that you are grateful for. Did you think of your life?

Now, think of Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, where AIDS takes people's lives on an hourly basis. Think of the children whose parents, families, and friends whose lives are taken because of the lack of education and drugs that could save their lives.

Now think of what you could do to help. I'm not meaning getting on a plane and doing something (though for some of you that might be the case). I mean, signing up for the One Campaign, educating yourself about AIDS, giving to World Vision, befriending someone with AIDS, or simply being grateful that you are capable of doing something.

Today is World AIDS day...please do something.

Monday, November 28, 2005

So sad and then I was done

My friend Wendy sent me this article today. I guess Kelly was right on my post about this event last week...maybe she is a prophet!

Thank you Talan for making a wise decision...

Friday, November 25, 2005

I just want to thank everyone for one of the most amazing Thanksgiving I have ever had. It was wonderful, fun, and less dysfunctional than the most holidays I have had.

It was the Felcity, Friends, etc holiday I had hoped for and it felt like family...and it was perfect.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


It is reasons like this that I miss Kansas City at Thanksgiving. Bundling up, going to the Plaza, standing in the midst of people who came to one location to watch one person flip a switch to see the first outdoor mall be lit.

and I'm serious. I miss grabbing a group of friends and watching it happen. I miss the slight chance of running into someone I once knew and saying hi to them. But I am grateful for Denver, the friends I've made here, and the place that is slowly becoming home. Even in the midst of pain this summer, there was no place else I'd rather be. So, as I think of all the things I'm grateful for, like my friends, my family, my job, the apartment I have, for laughing hard and crying harder, for beautiful days like today (it was 68 people), for the mountains, for the Trinity, for leaving and realizing all you had, and for coming and realizing all you needed, I wish you and yours the most wonderful holiday weekend.

And please, someone enjoy the lighting ceremony for me.

ISO: Christmas Music

So I currently own 1 Christmas CD. And while I am coming close to tapping my limit of holiday music because my work started playing it on Monday, I want some fun Christmas music. Classics, jazz, fun, everything, so I'm enlisting your help. If you had to make your ultimate holiday playlist, what would be on it? And thanks to the wonder of iTunes, I can create it, but I need some help...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I knew I had a reason not to eat veggies...I'm just grateful someone else pointed it out to me in this article....hehe...

Monday, November 21, 2005

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

So in college, I lived with multiple girls in a wonderful houses in Manhattan. The Christmas time would come around and the tree would be decorated, but I never really felt like it could be mine.

When I moved to Chicago, I never had a tree. I was home for too long of a time to have a tree the first year I was there, and then the last two years my roommate was very particular about her tree, so I had to submit to her decorating style (or lack there of in my opinion).

However, I'm realizing slowly that I get to have my own tree this year. That I get to have control of decorating it, buying it, and celebrating the season with it. I cannot wait. And this morning, they put holiday music on in my office (a few days early in my opinion). This song came on and I couldn't help but think of Kelly and her love for this song and for the first time in years, I think I'm actually excited about the holidays.

Now if I could only find someone to kiss under the mistletoe, that might make the holidays the best yet...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

As the week of surprises continues...

One of my guilty pleasures is this show...and then I read this article online today. Talan! what are you doing!?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


I would just like to thank this man for making my 4 years at Kansas State some of the best memories in my life. I wish him the best of luck and hope that whomever replaces him in the future will bring Kansas State back to their glory. Best wishes Bill! (to read more, see this article, or this one, or this one...)

In other news (this was expected), after the shitty day yesterday, I'm grateful that this dvd is now available. At least this boy can't hurt me as much...and I do love him.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I love honesty, but this one jumped up and bit me in the ass

I received the following email this morning from the "great" boy...

I hope you are having a good day. Thank you so much for introducing me to all of your friends. I had a really great time, and they all seem like really good people (just like you).
I'm sending you this email, because I needed to explain something. You've told me how much you valued honesty, and I just don't think it would be fair to you if we continue to see each other.
I know this is about as lame as it gets, sending you an email, but I wanted to make sure I could explain everything.
You are the kind of girl that I want to end up with. You're attractive, smart, and fun to be with. That really scares me right now, because I am definitely not looking for a serious relationship. The last girl I was with was not as into our relationship as I was, and that really hurt me. I decided that I am definitely going to do the "non-exclusive" dating thing for a while. I don't know if this is even making any sense, but we got along too well. I could see us moving into a serious relationship too quickly. I like and respect you too much to have a "casual" relationship.
You're just not something I am ready for right now. Whomever you end up with will be a very lucky guy.
I hope you understand, but I don't expect you to.

Seriously...i'm hurt and confused, and all I want to do is cry...but I'm at work and that's not appropriate...So, until I have space to do that...I'd like to just drop the F bomb here....Say it with me...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

If I ever had a reason not to go into the water...

It would be for this reason alone...yikes!

Embrace it, then get over it...

Two quick things about today.

  1. I'm carb-loading like crazy...I need something of substance for lunch.
  2. I read this article today. Michigan (the entire state) needs help...I love you people who are from there (Ben, Andy, Maria, Jim, Wendy, Beth and Sheralee) but seriously, an 18 year old mayor...Now that's crazy.

And to answer your question Bri, no, I'm not lost in love land, I'm just lost in general.

And Kelly, I took you serious and signed you up for the April Retreat...get excited!

And Tiff and Cookie, I'm calling you this weekend...I love you too and miss you tons!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

seriously, out of control

So, sometimes when I sleep, I talk in my sleep. I recently asked Jenny for a hug during the middle of the night at the Radius Retreat. There's a really funny story about freshman year me rolling over in my bunk and telling my roommate that I was going to kick her ass.

Sometimes, though, I have the tendency to turn off my alarm in the middle of the night. That happened this morning. I know I set my alarm last night and when the cheeve upstairs dropped something on the floor, I rolled over to look at my clock and realized it was 8:15 am! I was suppose to be to work for 8:00 am!! I think I got ready (shower, shaved my legs, and all) in 20 minutes. I've never moved so fast.

Now I'm looking over my google homepage (I still have 100 invites if anyone wants to be a part of the best email service ever), and I swear I thought this said Golden Beet and Pregnant Salad.

Thank God that it's a 4 day week (we also thank god for model trains as well).

Monday, November 07, 2005

a story about life, love and the letter q

She left her meeting, wondering if it would be possible to create the culture she wanted. She felt defeated, not by the meeting, but the people around the table. Her intuitive side questioned their looks, their stares, their defenses and for a second she had to release the thought that they were all directed at her. She knew it could happen, but she knew it would take a while before people truly saw her vision.

She reached for the phone, quickly searching for his number. It had become one the more recently dialed numbers in her phone over the last week and she was excited to hear his voice on the other line. yet in the midst of their short conversation, more insecurities rose to the surface. Did he really like her? Was it truly a miscommunication? Could it all be some malicious game that he was playing? She didn't know, but she knew she was frustrated, hurt and confused, and she realized how much easier life would be if her best friend lived just down the street instead of 8 hours away.

She made the phone call to a friend, a confidant that she couldn't be alone. As they walked to the restaurant for dinner, she told the friend the story. The story about the Saturday night that went so well (literally this time) and about the conversation the night before. The miscommunication could be heard, but that didn't suffice her hurting heart. She couldn't believe the feelings she was having for someone who had only introduced into her life only a week ago. She hoped Wednesday would happen, to prove that there was a mutual attraction there, but her pessimist, oh the eternal pessimist, reigned her thoughts.

She curled up on the couch, staring at the walls of people who surrounded her. Their faces staring into brightly lit screens and she felt so alone in the room. It wasn't until she realized it wasn't her computer vibrating that she knew she had a message. It was simple, he was going to be able to sleep tonight, and that he would see her on Wednesday. And for a moment she was relieved, but she wondered to herself what it meant, if it would happen, if she would continue to get hurt or to continue to fall down the rabbit hole that is, she chose to fall and hope that something, someone would catch her at the end.

Is someone getting the best of you?

To give you an update, here's been my life over the past few weeks...

1. The Radius Fall Retreat was amazing, and hard. Like usual, it was what I needed. There are a few people I'd really like to come out for the spring retreat...Leah, Tiff, Craig, Andy, Bri, Kelly...April for the need to come.

B. I don't want to jinx myself, but I've been on two dates with a very cute boy...I definitely think there is a possibility of this going for a while...I sure hope so because I'm really starting to like him.

III. I'm going to see my favorite comedian on Sunday with Beth Anne and hopefully the aforementioned boy. I can't wait to laugh.

a. I've been listening to the following song recently on repeat, with the windows down and the music up. I have a little more basis of what my soul is saying this time then I did the last.

best of you by the foo fighters

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no useI was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Preface: I will be cynical at some point in this post

A friend sent this to me today (with the end stating that if I didn't send this, I would have bad luck for-eve-r (Yeah Right)

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says,".....that's her."

I'm beginning to believe this man doesn't exist...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

blowing the money at the movies

It's almost November (yes, November, I don't know where the year went either), which means good movies are finally around the corner. And by looking at the schedule, I will be at the movies almost every single weekend.

Just check out this list:

Chicken Little
The Weather Man
Walk the Line
Brokeback Mountain
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
Memoirs of a Geisha
The Family Stone
Fun with Dick and Jane

if you care to join me for any of these, let me know...i'd enjoy the company

Monday, October 24, 2005

this is how I feel...

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. "
-from You've Got Mail

did anyone see Gray's last night?

So slowly, Gray's Anatomy is becoming my new favorite show. And while I agree with Dooce that it is Felicity with doctors, but still, it's a-mazing story line and acting is so good.

But did you happen to see last night's episode? The funny thing, it was the three female doctors complaining about men. And for a second there, I felt like this was my life. Let me tell you why...I had a great date on Friday night (while it started off slow, it ended up going really well). Good conversation, great drinks, it by far was a good night. But then, he hasn't called. And I know the rules, I've read the book, but still it is so frustrating. I wish he would call and ask to get together again. I wish I could show him a little bit more of my life and the crazy people I interact with on a daily basis. I wish I could see more of his. But he hasn't called and perhaps the funniest scene in last night's episode is when the two doctors are stuck in the elevator and George says to Alex "She shaved her legs for you and you didn't move on it, and then I hear about it, so yes it is my problem".

I just don't think guys quite understand what a big deal it is for us to get ready and then for us to wait on a single call (or lack thereof) for us to know what's going on...

Sunday, October 23, 2005



1. I secretly miss Kansas City from time to time.
2. I had an imaginary friend named Goodie when I was younger who eventually got "hit" by a fire truck.
3. I can't keep a manicure to save my life.
4. I would rather drink tomato juice than orange
5. Scary movies frighten me to death and I refuse to see them (I was traumatized as a small child with them).
6. I eventually want to move back to the south, renovate an old plantation and open up a bed and breakfast.
7. The only Christian music I have on my iPod is worship cds...other Christian music tweaks my liberal theology
8. and yes, I have liberal theology
9. I love MTV and strongly believe they put subliminal messages in their shows to get you hooked
10. My eyes change colors based upon what I am wearing...
11. I've broken the same wrist twice because of roller skates and sprained my ankle due to basketball
12. I secretly love music that reminds me of old school country like Johnny Cash
13. I've had glasses since the 3rd grade when I begged my parents for them and now I wish I had perfect eye sight.
14. I have the tendency to cry at everything, including sappy disney movies (just ask viv and nicky about it)
15. When I'm sad and lonely, I'd rather be with anyone who knows me deeply than with people I just met
16. I wish I could wear flip flops every day of the year
17. I have a speech str always have an h stuck in there which caused my junior high ministry staff to mock me
18. I always get into shows during their third or fourth season (case and point West Wing)
19. I love to put pickles on my grill cheese
20. I struggle deeply that I will end up alone and being eaten by dogs...just like Bridget Jones

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

A saga begins...

I really couldn't think of a title for this post, so this works...

First of all, I'd like to thank Dooce for putting into words for how I feel so connected to "Gray's Anatomy". Yes, it is like Felicity but with true, so true.

Point B: Noah Wylie and his wife had a baby girl and named her Auden...THEY TOTALLY STOLE MY NEW FAVORITE BABY NAME! I hadn't even told people that I liked it and they took it...Bastards!

Roman Numeral III: My iPod has been acting up recently, playing certain songs for 30 seconds and then switching to a different one. I've done everything they've told me to do and it's still not right...I don't want a new iPod with the possibilities of video watching....I WANT MY OLD IPOD TO WORK.

thus begins my Wednesday.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Playing on Repeat

I'm currently playing the following song on repeat, with the volume turned up, and I can't quite figure out what my soul is trying to tell me. If you can figure it out, I'm taking suggestions...

come pick me up by ryan adams
When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
F**k me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine
You know you could I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
F**k me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you'd make up my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
I wish I could

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


(insert gagging noise here)

I believe that some people should not be able to reproduce. I know some might think that of me, but that's fine, it's not happening any time soon. People that I believe belong on this list are Britney and Kevin, Paris Hilton and her latest boy toy and now this news just broke.

Sick and wrong I tell you...SICK AND WRONG!

Monday, October 03, 2005

3 post in 1 day...relax, it isn't going to happen every day

I just checked Nicky's site, which always pushes me to think and rethink and then look at the situation from a new vantage point and I realized that:

a) he's updated his blog


2) I'm a feel so privileged...

on a complete side note, i've taken a H-U-G-E step in the dating world...prepare for great blog entries.


10 years ago I was:
15 years old
a sophomore in high school
discovering Ichthus
Working at the Gap
In love with Jeff Anderson and Curt Peterson

5 years ago I was:
20 years old
starting my 2nd year of college
living in the Girl's Lighthouse
still wrestling with the shame of my freshman year
in love with Jordan Reed

1 year ago I was:
living in Cary, IL
Working with Oasis and Champions
grieving, grieving, grieving
Falling for one of my leaders...
Trying to figure out where in the hell I would live in a year

Yesterday I:
Cleaned my apartment from top to bottom
Did laundry
had a yummy Vanilla Latte from the Perk
Talked with Cookie
Called Leah

5 snacks I enjoy:
chocolate covered pretzels (I think it has something to do with the salty/sweet)
cherry tomatoes
bread and butter
melted velvetta and chips

5 songs I know all the words to:
"Anna Begins" by Counting Crows
"Fair" by Remy Zero
"Magnolia Mountain" by Ryan Adams
"The One you Love" by Rufus Wainwright
"Gone" by Ben Folds

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:
Go on a backpack trip through Europe
Buy a cool house, then renovate it
Join the Peace Corp
Get another degree
Take my best friend on a trip

5 places I would run away to:
frontier Ranch
Manhattan, KS
Cookie's House

5 Things I will NEVER wear:
Daisy Dukes
a poncho
the shirt to the band I'm going to see
a thong bikini

5 favorite TV shows:
Arrested Development
Grey's Anatomy

5 bad habits:
not doing my dishes right away
not putting away my clothes in the hamper (yes, I realize they are clean, but it's so much work)
my self contempt

5 biggest joys:
laughing till my sides hurt
drinking Boulevard Beer
a Soy Chai from the bucks on the perfect fall day in denver
the perfect fall day in denver

5 fictional characters I would date:
John Dorian (from Scrubs)
Jim Halpert (from the office)
Michael Bluth (from Arrested Development)
Andrew Largeman (from Garden State)
Dr. Derek Shepherd (from Grey's Anatomy)

5 people I tag to do this:
you silly


Have you seen this site? YES!...this is so awesome...I LOVE IT and can waste multiple hours looking at it...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will

The last two nights, A Mighty Wind has been on Comdey Central (god, I love having "real" cable). I've loved watching one of my favorite movies on cable and hearing some of the best lines ever.

I decided that I would get one of those lines from IMDB and then I found something very interesting...

So, after doing some investigation, I found out that this is in production and I cannot wait...maybe I'll get around to finally watching "Waiting for Guffman" by the time this comes out.

Thank you Christopher Guest for being so freakin' funny...It's awesome!

Thursday, September 22, 2005


Yesterday was a pretty good day. Work is slowly coming together, the weather was decent (I'm beginning to believe that Denver is as close to perfect weather wise as a place can get) and then there was the evening.

Jim, Maria and I knew we wanted to see Wicked, but 1) it was sold out and B) Maria couldn't join us. So Jim stood in line for the Wicked lottery. They only hand out 24 tickets each night. These aren't the best seats in the house, but it's the opportunity to see the show. I arrived downtown, and found parking in a lot right away, but the stupid thing wouldn't print my receipt and I was worried about being towed. I called a number, the random Australian I met called a number and I was assured that I wouldn't be towed.

Right as I walked up, Jim was adding his name to the lottery, so I was able to put mine in as well. We stood around for about 20 minutes and then the lottery started. They call your name, they verify your id and then you pay. They did this 10 times (and one group of people won twice...bastards). Then they called Jim's name! I KNOW! So, I went to Chili's, he went home and changed and we were able to see my favorite musical (sort of...we were in the very first row of the theater, on the corner, so they weren't the best seats in the house, but I had seen it before and it was so good for my soul...I needed this night). I know Craig (the wonderful Mr. Joseph) doesn't like it, but I'm willing to stake my ground in how much I love that show.

In other news, there was a "dance-off" in Wichita in which two people were arrested and someone needed stitches. I haven't laughed that hard at the news in a while.

If you are bored on Monday nights, perhaps you should watch the best show on TV (Scrubs is off the air right now, so yes, this is the best show out there).

Okay, I should get back to work...

Saturday, September 17, 2005

MIA No longer

Who would have guessed that working a full time job, Radius, and life in general would one day get in the way of me posting every single day? Not that I'm blaming least I'm not as MIA as this person (who, I'm getting ready to send out smoke signals because I'm so worried).

Anyways, let me do a quick overview on my last couple of week:
1. I'm on football overload. I know that must mean something but after last Saturday of watching K-State vs. Marshall, Norte Dame vs. Michigan, Iowa vs Iowa State, and Texas vs Ohio State in one sitting....I'm overwhelmed. Lots of good laughs and even better food, but no more...not at least until next week.

2. I'm in the process of making my job permanent. It keeps me on my toes, doesn't drain me and I sought lots of wise counsel on making it happen...2 weeks vacation and benefits...FINALLY.

3. My beautiful best friend had a beautiful baby girl, a much welcomed addition to her beautiful family....I love them all and can't wait to see them!

4. Making a town home requires me finding a radio station...I've found an awesome one that comes from Boulder. Thank you KBCO for hleping me transition into making Denver home.

Otherwise, we are getting for the retreat in October, I'm looking into becoming a doula(something I've wanted to do since college) and since I had that one really decent first date right before my grandmother passed, I want to go on another...

I know it's short, but hopefully more tomorrow, I've got to get to the bank before BA drops off my "new" chair.

Since Nicky enjoyed being in the blog last time I mentioned him, I'd like to contest to his comment that because someone didn't like Wedding Crashers that they don't have a soul. I still hold this can argue with me all you want, but it's true.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Please help

Picture courtesy of

Many of you have asked about my family in New Orleans. Thankfully they are okay. They escaped to Houston, Dallas, and Lafayette and are safe and sound. However, we see the devastation that has happened to so many people. If you feel like donating, Habitat for Humanity is helping and you can click here to help them.

This by far is one of the saddest things I have ever seen, simply because I call New Orleans part of my home. Please help, please keep them in your thoughts and prayers...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Haulin' ass out of town

I arrived in New Orleans on Thursday morning. Nicky drove me to the airport and had me laughing the entire way. I was able to tell him about my date (which I thought was successful, and hopefully, he'll call me back), he was able to give his theory on Bon Jovi's new song (it lures you in with the riff from "Livin' on a prayer, but then switches it up on you). Free tv and a 2 hour flight later, I arrived in New Orleans. The humidity hit me like a ton of bricks. We (my dad, brother and I) headed to the church to pick up a scripture that I was going to read during the funeral. We stopped, had a bowl of gumbo and then went back to the airport to pick up my uncle.

Friday morning was low key and the wake was Friday night. That wasn't the Grammy I knew. She had lost so much weight since the stroke...her hands were tightly wasn't her...I sat there in wonder of what had happened, how everyone was reacting, and was extremely sad. Then my sister told this amazing story:

When my sister found out about my grandmother, she decided to take her two kids to her mother in law's so she could have some time to herself. When my niece asked what was wrong, my sister replied that she was going to miss Grammy. My niece paused and then said "well, mommy, I hear Grammy saying that she is going to miss you more." After having a few hours to herself, my sister and her friend went to pick up my niece and nephew and grab McDonalds for dinner. The kids wanted their toys and Julie (my sister's friend) pulled them out of the bag. Julie turned to Shelley and said you aren't going to believe this. The toy that night was a Pegasus, the symbol to the Mardi Gras carnival club my grandparents had founded almost 50 years ago.

After some tears and some hugs, we headed back to the hotel. Saturday morning, we arrived at the funeral home and went to the church. We buried my grandmother under the hot sun and then went to my aunt and uncle's house for lunch. It was there that we discovered how serious Katrina was going to be and we left to make decisions.

My brothers and nephew were going to leave bright and early on Sunday morning. I had a flight out Sunday afternoon, and my parents were going to leave on Sunday evening. The flights were canceled and the airport was closed about an hour after we arrived. So, what else could we do but join in with the 1 million people who were told to "haul ass out of New Orleans". My parents, who were born and raised in New Orleans had never seen anything like it. A 3 hour typical drive to Jackson took 7 and we arrived in Arkansas at 9:30 pm. We stopped, slept and got back on the road Monday morning. We got into Kansas City at 4 pm on Monday and I flew out at 6:15 pm. I finally got back to Denver and decided that I needed today to recover.

I'm currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop, enjoying a bagel, a latte and the "Garden State" soundtrack. It's what my souls needs. And this afternoon will be spent with Andy and that's what I need to. I need to be around someone who loves me deeply, who I love deeply, where everything is understood and where for the first time since I've been in Denver simply be loved upon in a way that I'm use to.

Otherwise, I'm just waiting to see what the week holds...and hopefully, I can get through some of the grieving that I need to.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Sunday, August 21, 2005

"Thanks for your ass"

Preface: The title of this blog is in reference to something Christie said over the weekend...I will not discuss it any further.

I realize I have been missing in action. It was unintentional, but good. I've switched jobs (yes, I'm still temping, and no, I haven't had any luck finding something permanent) and my fear at all my jobs is that they are watching my every move on the computer. There is enough of me not to care, but still some that is afraid that they will fire me. I spent some time at the most boring conference ever, left the oil & gas world and have moved into the world of banking. Where last week, I wore a dress with my jean jacket over it and my flip flops, thinking it was appropriate. I was wrong and was forced (by shame and shame alone) to go out to Target and buy shoes I already owned and take of my jean jacket. I didn't know that the business world was so strick.

My friend Christie came in town this weekend, which was amazing. Life currently is hard, making transitions, settling in, trying to figure out who is safe and it was just nice to have someone who understands me, knows me and loves me. We danced hard at Lip Gloss, laughed hard after Bender's, and have some great memories from her time here. I can't wait to see her again in October and then for our annual dinner in December. It's just nice to have someone who is so similar to's scary at times.

Prior to this week, I was camping in Riffle State Park (3 hours west of Denver). It was my very first time ever camping, so I was a little hesitant. But once I got the hang of peeing in the woods, we had a great time. We hiked around the falls, ate amazing food, and almost went to the Riffle Fair. All I have to say is the idiot who claimed someone was thrashing near the road needs to get a life...You cannot have our spot.

Life is crazy and hard right now. I was shocked this week and tweaked all within a couple of days. I'm eating out of comfort and sleeping because that's what you do when you are depressed. I'm busy, lonely, and in need of training for my 5-k in October. Otherwise, I'm holding onto the only thing I can right now and that's the Trinity...but barely.

The Sunrise in Riffle
click to see photos from the camping trip.

Friday, August 05, 2005

This begins fall

I love's my favorite season. School supplies filling the shelves, new backpacks are being purchased, book orders are being placed...

But the ultimate indicator that fall is approaching is this. I'm ready, willing, and enthused about the fall season.

Let's go Cats! I have faith in you this season!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

two cuties from Chicago

This is my friend Seth...and his new puppy...aren't they both adorable! *sigh...

My inner-grandma is coming out

In my junior year of college, my good friend Kelly and I realized we were becoming grandmas. We went to bed early, I set a bed time for myself, she started to play was all very sad for a 21 year old.

My friend Cari often speaks of her inner-grandma coming out, which is refreshing from time to time. I thought mine had begun to die, considering the last three years of my life (see any entry on Bethel) and my current life here in Denver. However, last night she reappeared out of no where.

My intentions since I began working was to go to bed and get an adequate amount of sleep (8 hours)...Unfortunately, that has never happened. 6-7 hours is what I have been getting. Last night though, I was tired after dinner with Vivian so I went home and watched the end of Sex and the City. At 9:30 pm, I went to bed. By 9:45, the light was off and I was drifting off to sleep. I was up by 6:30 this morning....9 hours! YES!!

So inner-grandma...thank you for getting my tail to bed...I needed it.

Monday, August 01, 2005

So, let me tell you about the last week I had

Perhaps starting at the end and working towards the beginning is the best way to start.

Sunday, we had a book reading with Nick. Wonderful book, wonderful discussion and air conditioning (something rare in Denver). Sunday night BBQ with the neighbors, bed.

Saturday, ran errands, got a pedicure/manicure, tried to go the Rockies game, ended up at the Public House, having a 3 hour discussion about guys and girls. Received a phone call from Emily that someone had broken the back window of my car. Nothing is stolen, but still, it sucks. I'm now out $160 bucks to fix someone's else poor decision. To whomever you are, I'm glad that you decided to get your shits and giggles on my car window. Way to go a-hole.

Friday, worked, had everyone over to bbq at my place as a house warming party, went to Gov's (a place I'm growing to love) and headed home. Nothing too exciting, except playing pool with some guy who was equally as bad as I was.

Thursday, exhausted because of what happened Wednesday night. Almost died twice (once by the free ride, once by choking over lunch) Retreat meeting and ice cream with two of my new favorite people, BAC and Luke. I now love's the only place to get ice cream in Denver and I do truly believe their Jack Daniels Ice Cream could get you a DUI .

Wednesday night, went to bed with all the lights off, woke up at 1:15 am due to the fact that a light was now on. Began to hear weird noises, didn't go back to sleep at all.

Tuesday and Monday uneventful, but had I known what type of week I was going to have, it was probably a good thing that nothing happened.

So, yes, right now, I am taking off work. I've re-written my resume, I've applied to over 10 jobs this morning and I've got to get my window fixed this afternoon. Overall, I doubt this week could be any more stressful than last week, but who knows.

Otherwise, I'm doing decent. I'm sitting in Panera, getting ready to get some lunch and apply to more jobs. Nick and I had a talk about my grieving process, so I'm doing better there to. But my need for a job and a vacation is growing need for escapism is truly something that should be investigated in my life.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Being the fanatic that I am

I was reading on yahoo news this article. I know that only Cari could appreciate this news, but still...

Come to think of it, Cari might be the only person who could toe to toe with me in this game. BRING IT ON SISTER!!

Prepare for the world's best showdown of "Friends" minds.

God, I need a life.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

By Henri Nouwen...the genius he is

When you "love" someone or "miss" someone, you experience an inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected with the deepest self of another, that person's absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God. When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connected with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other person is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people.

It is also possible on the other hand that the pain of absence will show you that you are out of touch with your own deeper self. You need the other to experience inner wholeness, to have a sense of well being. You have become emotionally dependent on the other and sink into depression because of his or her absence. It feels as if the other has taken away a part of you that you cannot live without. Then the pain of absence reveals a certain lack of trust in God's love. But God is enough for you.

True love between two human beings puts you more in touch with your deepest self. It is a love in God. The pain you experience form the death or absence of the person you love, then, always calls you to a deeper knowledge of God's love. God's love is all the love you need, and it reveals to you the love of God in the other. So the God in you can speak to the God in the other. This is deep speaking to deep, mutuality in the heart of God, who embraces both of you.

Death or absence does not end or even diminish the love of God that brought you to the other person. It calls you to take a new step into the mystery of God’s inexhaustible love. This process is painful, very painful, because the other person has become a true revelation of God's love for you. But the more you are stripped of the God-given support of people, the more you are called to love God for God's sake. This is an awesome and even dreadful love, but it the love that offers eternal life.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

thoughts from the past week

I'm on borrowed time with my battery, so I don't have much time to post, but here's an update from the last week:

I became an adult
I realized this while I was setting up my coffee pot for the next morning and realized that the fact that I was willing to do this wasn't me planning ahead, it was the fact that I have moved into a new world, and I don't know if I like it.

My celebrity boyfriend was nominated for an Emmy
I couldn't be any prouder of this boy. Now, only if he would ask me to go with him...that would be heavenly.

I saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
As I told a friend, it does justice to the first one, and only Johnny Depp and Tim Burton could have pulled it off

I'm getting cable
I don't know how many more times I could have watched "Friends" before I went crazy. TLC here I come!

I've been asked to stay with my current temp job for the next week
Hence the fact that I am getting cable, but I'm also hoping to interview with another possible job this week.

I'm needing some time to myself this week...time to reconnect with my soul...we feel distant from each other right now and I desperately want to connect with the Trinity. I just need to schedule it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

it's been one hell of a year.

One year ago, I started this crazy little blog. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into when I started this. I thought it would be a place where people who had supported me over the last three years could connect with my life. I thought it could be a place where I could vent, be creative, and simply lay out some of my desires. Do I think that's what happened? Sure, sort of. In fact, I think I've gone above and beyond where I could have been. I've gotten creative with my template. I've posted some pictures (I still want to become a flickr pro), I've posted some of the songs that are changing my life.

You should take some time...start at the beginning and see the progress I've made. And leave a comment...any comment. Give me suggestions of where you like me to go, what I should write about, pictures I need to post...

Until then...happy anniversary me!

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Money, money, money...

While I'm not enjoying the job I currently have to it's fullest, the beauty of it is that for the first time in 7 years, I have a steady flow of money coming in. Not just like some money for the month, but you know on a weekly basis. So, I'm beginning to dream. What do I want? How could I treat myself...Extravagantly.

Here are some of my ideas thus far:
-a new bed (I'd like to move up to at least a full, if not a queen)
-if I get a new bed, new bedding is in order, but I'm hoping my sister would make me a duvet cover, shams, and a dust ruffle
-a new laptop (I'm eyeing the Apple Powerbook, 12 inch)
-a North Face jacket
-a bike (bicycle, not a motorcycle)
-a big comfy chair
-a trip...a true vacation, to Europe, for like 10-14 days.
-a really nice digital camera

Granted, I have things I need to save for. You know, paying off student loans is very important and necessary. But right now I want to treat myself.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

"I think nipples without boobs would be pointless"

I spent my 4th at the park, playing a mean game of ultimate followed by "half of a cow" steak cooked by Jeff and Nick. As we were standing in the park, Tsinia said the quote above and couldn't resist putting in my blog. The other conversation that made me laugh was with Wendy. It went a little like this:

m-"I didn't think you could solicit in the park"
w-"Is someone selling drugs?"
w-"so why are you talking about prostitution?"
m-"I was talking about the man selling cotton candy, but what in the world were you thinking about?"

We left the park to shower and then went to watch the fireworks near REI (FREE parking). I got home around 11 pm and decided that I needed to head to bed.

I started a new job yesterday and I'm not really enjoying it. I'd rather be doing anything else but this. Emily keeps reminding me that you can do anything for a month, but I don't know if that's true. My friend Bri sent me a good site for jobs and there is one in leadership and helping women in leadership...perhaps that is the one.

I talked to Craig on the phone last night on the phone....all I can say is that I miss that kid...A LOT.

We are celebrating Mark's birthday on Saturday at the Painted Bench and I'm really excited. I'm hanging out with Maria tonight, Beth tomorrow, and have no idea what I am doing on Friday.

I'm just realizing how hard it is to post on a regular basis when you actually have to work a "real" job.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

My latest repeat song...

Due to circumstances beyond my control (and the fact that I am exhausted from being at the water park all day long...I know my life is hard), this is the song that is on repeat right now on my iPod...

A warning sign
I missed the good part then
I realized I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in, I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is that I miss you so
And I'm tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I'm really excited this...

Last night Emily, Emily's friend Chad and I went to see Bewitched. Skip's not necessary. Anyways, I saw a preview last night for a movie I'm super excited about. Please go and see the trailer. Yes, I know they cast most of the original cast (which are 10 years too old to play the parts) but I cannot wait to see it. I had chills the entire time watching it. It's going to be awesome!!

I'm currently working so I can't post much, but I'm doing decent. I'll hopefully be able to post soon (like tomorrow) but until then, I'm done with my first temp job and I'm still really excited about the job at DU...I'm calling them tomorrow to see if I can move it forward a little bit. Otherwise, I don't know what my plans are for the 4th (no Taste for me this year) and I'm really enjoy the second season on DVD of this show.

By the way, my web fortune cookie told me to remember 4th grade today...seriously, that's not a fortune. COME ON!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Remember why you are here

This is what my web fortune cookie told me today.

It couldn't be more appropriate for me to hear right now.

Things are going. Not extremely bad, nor are they out of the world, but they are going.

There are times when I am confused, times when I am scared, times when I realize what I am doing and need to stop. Shame is not as prevalent in my life as it once was, but there are moments when I am staring into the distance and Jared knows what I am thinking and what I need to hear in those moments.

I worked three days 9-6 and thought I was going to die. I applied for two jobs at the university of Denver today...I really want one of them.

So...Why am I here?

To grow

To be transformed

To be around a community of people who love me

To understand that my community in Chicago, Kansas City and around the world doesn't end because I have moved.

To simply just be.

To learn from the mistakes I make.

To make new mistakes and realize the growth I do have.

To reconnect with parts of my soul

And to find new parts as well.

But, there are times when I am lonely, scared, confused, happy, joyful and bewildered all at the same time.

And I have nothing to cling to but the Trinity, and that is making the world of difference.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I feel like it's my first day of school

I went to work today. Let me define what my "work" was and what my "work" is now.

It was:
  • hanging out with students
  • developing curriculum
  • having one-on-ones with leaders
  • playing gorilla/man/gun
  • helping students realize that the love of trinity was in their life now and that love was what mattered most
  • wearing jeans and t-shirts to work
  • driving 30 minutes to work

It is:

  • dressing in appropriate gear (i.e.: nice dress pants, dress shirt, heels)
  • answering the telephone
  • making real estate appointments
  • getting yelled out by random realtors
  • walking to the free ride, taking the free ride down the 16th street mall

Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to dress up. I've realize recently that I want to dress like Carrie Bradshaw but I'm also comfortable in jeans and t-shirts (perhaps too comfortable because I've been wearing it since freshman year). So, I woke up at 6:45 this morning after not sleeping the night before. I took a shower, got ready, put on pantyhose (for you guys, putting on pantyhose is like hell for many women). I walked down to the mall, caught the bus (for free) and arrived earlier than I thought. I was at my work by 8 am and I didn't need to be there until 9. I stopped by and saw VBT in her element. I had coffee, and then went to work. Where I answered the phone

I'm making money, don't get me wrong, but still, come on! I went to lunch and then went back to work. I walked home, and got home at 6:30 pm. Made dinner and came to the Perk for use of the internet.

I love the perk, it is my central perk like friends. Except I don't have 5 friends who meet me here on a regular basis. I've met the girl who works behind the counter (hi Monica) and I like being here. It feels like my 3rd home ( for all of you who knows Starbucks or who have worked at Starbucks you know what I mean).

So, answering the phone for the next week is the plan until the 29th. I think dancing and karoke is in the plans for the weekend. We'll see if it is as eventful as it was last weekend.

Friday, June 17, 2005

not a guilt trip

please read this as an honest post, not a guilt trip.

I need to hear a familiar voice. I want Leah or Craig or Cookie or Toni or Mike to call. I want to laugh and cry and simply be known in a new town. I want the people at the Penn Street Perk to know me and my drink. I want my small group to walk through the door (as Cari pointed out, yes they out number me 3 to 1 and it was a fabulous small group) and I want us to laugh and fall asleep in each others arms as Andy suggested.

Radius is on a whitewater rafting getaway this weekend and while I'm excited to be alone, I wish someone would call me just to say hi. Because to be honest, I miss everyone in Chicago.

I know I could/should (damn shame) call them, but part of my being known and love is that I need to be validated (plus, who is really home on a Friday night).

I'm here!!

Well, I'm sitting in the Penn Street Perk, pimping their internet because I don't have internet in my house. I also don't have cable. Yet...I need to first get a job and make some money, so hopefully I can get cable and internet in time for my summer addictions (like this show, or this show). But, I'm settling in well. Radius was amazing, helping me move in, cleaning my bathroom, setting up my bedroom, and making me feel welcomed. It was great (and fast). Jared came over later that night and we sat out on my porch, drinking a beer and hanging with my wonderful neighbors. It's true, I do have wonderful, fabulous neighbors!

I ran around all day yesterday, getting my drivers license, my emissions test, my VIN verification, my license plates. I was exhausted. Then a trip to Target was necessary, but because I live in the city, Targets (and Wal-Marts) are no where to be found without a 20 minute trip. My apartment is coming together slowly. I just need to get my futon back from VBT. Then I could actually watch movies on my couch and not my Ravina chair.

I have a meeting this afternoon with a temp agency, so hopefully I can start a job by Monday (though I would like to start in a know to give myself some space). I need to process the last three weeks and how overwhelming they were. I want to walk around and figure out where I live. I need to find my supermarket. I just hasn't hit me yet that this is my new place...but I am loving it so far.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

just a quick update from the road...

my small group retreat...AMAZING...

our group

my graduation...less tweaking (theologically speaking) than I thought it would be...

Graduating Class 2005

I'm in Manhattan, on my way to Denver tomorrow...more (blogging and pics -- I'm becoming a pro on Flickr next week) when I get to Denver!!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

racers take your mark...

Today I leave for Lake Geneva with my small group from the past three years for one last have play some mean sand volleyball, with prophetic feelings of simply breathe with these 7 people I cannot imagine my life without.

I get back on Thursday. I'll need to put the finishing touches on my paper, get my tires rotated and balanced, get some cleaning supplies, get my car washed, finish packing, pack for graduation...and that's all on Thursday.

I leave Friday morning at 6:15 with the Millers to drive to St. Paul. Perhaps I'll have some time to myself in my room to take a nap. Communion that night, dinner with the parents, graduation on Saturday, party Saturday night, return to Chicago on Sunday.

Load the van on Monday, probably now leave on Monday. Drive to Des Moines. Drive to Manhattan (Kansas) on Tuesday. Drive to Denver by Wednesday. Unload. Transfer my DL, registration on my car, and change my phone number on Thursday. Unpack fully by Friday. Take my parents to the airport on Saturday. Breakdown Saturday afternoon into Sunday (seriously, it's on the calendar).

So, if I don't post, please see above reasons. If I crash and burn sooner, please see above reasons. But until I post again, please see what my beautiful web fortune cookie said today:

You aspire to be a Viking.

Monday, June 06, 2005

untitled one...

I've walked through these halls multiple times
Past these doors on an almost daily basis for the last 36 months
Except this time, it's different

This is the last time I walk into 106 for a leaders meeting
It's the last time I'll walk into the lakeside as a member of axis

I started here 36 months ago
slightly scared
overly confident
simply looking for a place to call my own.

And I found it.

But like any family
We've had our ups and downs
I've loved it, I've wanted to tear it down, and yet
I've found the middle ground

Tonight, this place seems slightly distant and less like the home I've known
Perhaps this is a sign that I'm ready to leave
(of course, the apartment and the job mean I'm ready to leave too).

All I know is that I'm grateful to have found you and
no matter what people will say
I appreciate this place for all it has given to me.
The friends who I never imagined I would know...
The ability to fail successfully...
the chance to grow...

good bye you beast of a building...
I think there is a little bit of me that will miss you

Monday, May 30, 2005


I hope this old train breaks down then I could take a walk around
See what there is to see, time is just a melody
With all the people in the street walking fast as their feet
Can take them, I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view, well the frame Im looking through
Seems to have no concern for now
So for now I I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown
Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound
So I dont even make a sound cause its going to sting me when I leave this town
And all the people in the street that Ill never get to meet
If these tracks dont bend somehow
And I got no time that I got to get to where I dont need to be
So I I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown I want to break on down
But I cant stop now Let me break on down
But you cant stop nothing if you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know
That you dont know nothing but you dont need to know
The wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing if you dont let go
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know
You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold
Because the frames too bright, so put the blinds down low
I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown I got to break on down
But I cant stop now ~ from Jack Johnson latest CD

seriously...I need a breakdown

Thursday, May 26, 2005

it finally got one right...

Today's web fortune cookie says the following:

You need a new environment - go on a vacation.

YES I DO! Thank God that i am going to Denver on Saturday (I also thank God for model trains)..think good thoughts as I try to find an apartment...I'm looking for either a one bedroom or two...


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

These are the reasons I will always love Chicago...

(in no certain order...)

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Emily, me and Liz

These two girls have made doing ministry at Willow fun...thanks ladies! I love you both so much! Please come and visit any time!!

Monday, May 23, 2005


I had a friend call something out today...something I owned up for crossing a boundary. And now, it keeps running through my disappointed I am in the fact that I let him down...something to work through obviously, but right now as I try to finish up a paper, it is keeping me distracted...the shame especially is hindering my work.

dang it!


So, it was a very event-filled weekend. But in order to understand the weekend, you must begin to understand the week that was before it. Last week was the week that began Cryfest 2005. Official grieving has begun. Wednesday night we (the interns who are graduating) were honored at New Community. Thursday night the graduating interns tried to give our testimony in 3 minutes or less of what has happened in us and through us in the last 3 years. Very daunting, but good. Friday morning was my last small group experience and I have never ever experienced anything like it before. It was beautiful, sad, and hard all at the same time. I love those boys...they have changed my life. As I described it to Sheryl, it doesn't suck, it just is painful. Friday night I had a huddle and then Viv, Kristen, David, Jason, and myself went dancing. It was a blast! Got home at 3:30 am, showered, and took a two hour nap. I had to get up at 6:30 because of the yard sale. We got rid of so much junk and made lots of money in the process (yahoo! I made enough to make a dent in the registration of my car). Had my last one on one with Sheryl and bawled my eyes out. Finished up the yard sale, went home, laid on my couch for 20 minutes, showered and hung out with Kochie and Kreg. Sunday got up, went back to the yard sale, and this is where the fun begins. Jen was selling a pink wig, DW was selling a basketball and some sport goggles. I was challenged to dribble the ball for 15 minutes (without double-dribbling) and I would be given the basketball and the goggles. So I put on the wig, the goggles and started dribbling. I walked up and down the street and at 14:12 I double-dribbled and it was done.

what defeat looks like

Finished the yard sale officially, went home, showered, made a corn casserole, and went to Axis. Does this feel like a ton to you? IT SHOULD BECAUSE IT WAS!! I feel like I'm running at 100 mph and it won't stop. But I am leaving for Denver on Saturday...and hopefully will have some interviews and an apartment by the time I come back. I'm ready to crash and be in Denver. I'm ready to be done with school (I should be working on a 3000 word paper right now)...I'm ready to relax....

Friday, May 20, 2005

the most important people in my life

Small group

I love these people more than life itself right now....and I can't imagine doing life without them. Thank you Sheryl, Ryan, Erik, Toby, Tobias, Scott and Andy for making these three years the best. I love you all...

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


So, if for some reason you have been asleep the last 9 months, I attend a Baptist Seminary. Granted it is over the internet a majority of the time, I still had to sign a lifestyle statement saying I wouldn't drink, do drugs, etc...

Well, on June 10th our seminary is having a bbq for the graduating seniors. And someone typed the following on the evite (which by the way is the best site for planning a party):

is it bring your own beer?

I don't know who this is, but man, do they have chutzpah!

Thanks for putting the idea out there, but I doubt it is BYOB.

A Name Change will be Necessary

So, I can't continue using the name of this blog in about a month. I won't be doing life in the Windy City, so I am taking suggestions....Let me know what you think!

A quote out of context...

Best Imitation of Myself...

thoughts from my head alone

Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but this is just a start...

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


See NBC...Fox understands the importance of good shows, why can't you?

Thanks Fox for bringing back Arrested Development back next season...

Monday, May 16, 2005

my friend* seth

my friend* seth
Originally uploaded by mes9193.
taken at my friend Kristen's going away party...he taught me how to tie a tie...sort of

NBC, this is your last chance

"Illustrating how TV schedules are constantly in flux, NBC promised two other new comedies would come on the air sometime next season. Two shows not on the September schedule, "Scrubs" and "Fear Factor," will also return at some point."


Fighting an Uphill Battle

Currently, I am trying to find a job...

And I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. I've worked and reworked my resume multiple times. I've looked on Monster, Social Services websites and the University of Denver website trying to find something to do. And if I'm honest, I'll I really want to do this summer is play. ALL DAY LONG. Which I know can't happen, but if I had all the money in the world, I would take the summer off to reflect over the past three years and the whirlwind they have been. I would spend time with the Trinity, reread the books I've had to fly through over the last 36 months. I would journal more, write more, be creative more. I would take a photography class and a dance class to rebuild my soul. I would make phone calls, type emails, and lay near the pool with my best friend in Arizona.

Unfortunately, none of that can happen because I need something to pay the bills. I can't live in la-la land over the summer...though I wish I I'm going to continue to look and hopefully something will spring up...

Friday, May 13, 2005

a solo ben

yes, he is on the piano

pictures from the Ben Folds Concert in chicago are now up on my flickr account. Thanks to Matty for sending these to me!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Sporting a new look...

in light of everything in my life changing as have I known it in the next 30 days, i've decided to try out a new blog look...isn't it hot?!

A Reason Why I LOVE this City...

Yesterday as I was driving home from the gym, I was stuck behind "that" guy. The one using his cell phone and driving at the same time...swerving in and out of his lane (unintentional, but still). Granted, I also talk and drive at the same time, but I tend to be very good at doing both at the same time.

So, as I carefully passed him, I glanced over. Okay, so he's in his mid 70's. But his talking on a Zach Morris phone...LITERALLY! I couldn't believe it! So I was angry at his lack of driving skills, but I couldn't help but laugh at his phone.

Then as I was reading the Sun-Times today, I came across this. I'm grateful that our city cares about driving and talking at the same time. I only wish they cared about the type of phone we use while we do it.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

i hope this one is true...

this is what my fortune cookie says today:

You will step on the soil of many countries.

Out of all I have read, this is the one I want the most.

Getting all my ducks in a row...

To all of those who are in Kansas City, that I didn't call while I was in town this weekend, I ask of your forgiveness. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with you, it was just the fact that in light of the situation with my grandmother (who is sick, and will probably pass away sometime soon), all I really wanted was to spend the weekend with my family. Granted, it was a decent trip home, but since my best friend no longer lives there, it seemed weird to be near Brookside and not stopping by to say hi.

Anyways, prior to me leaving, I found out that one of our had passed away...not the way you want to leave for a trip home. Then before I left on Monday morning, (actually Sunday night), my parents and I talked about my reasons to move to Denver. While it was a good conversation, it was still hard. But it didn't discourage me from leaving or changing my mind, which is a good thing.

So getting back into the swing of things on Monday was difficult. I arrived home only to receive more bad news about my roommate's father. With very little sleep the night before, and a long road ahead of me, I realized that all I wanted was to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up in a time that wasn't marked by grieving. Saying goodbye, not only to my friends and my pseudo family here, but to my leader, my's just a hard time. And in all the midst of this, I'm trying to plan a trip out to Denver. I'm trying to find a job (and trying to update and make my resume presentable in the marketplace), I'm trying to find a place to live, I'm trying to pack up my room, trying to just be present when all I feel right now is numb.

I'm in the home stretch now...literally. I just need to make it past the finish line and then maybe I can breathe at a normal pace again...

Thursday, May 05, 2005

You have got to be kidding me...

My web fortune cookie says the following....

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Just be aware of your polarity.

I'm beginning to believe that my fortune isn't all that unique...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

A typical girl comment...

There is a boy...enough said...

I'm so confused by his comments that it is driving me up the wall...


i'm so frustrated right now, I could scream!!

I love Joan Davis!

So, last night, my friend Andy invited me and 5 of his closest friends to see Ben Folds at the Riv. And to get it out of the way, the concert was amazing, Ben Folds is a new celebrity crush (and like I told Amy last night, I think my "type" is the nerdy-type guys...who really aren't nerds, but dress like it...does that make sense? Of course there is always exception to this rule. For example, Mark Sprecker. But nine times out of ten, it's the clean cut, professional, nerdy type guy).

But the adventure wasn't the concert, it was what happened prior to the concert (and by concert, I mean Ben) even starting. So, I decided to take the el into the city, one because I hate parking there and two why not enjoy the trip. So, I parked at Cumberland, transferred at Washington to the red line and was enjoying the view when a man sat down in front of me. He tried to start a conversation with the girl sitting across from him, about her bookbag, what she was in school for and when she mentioned something about a lawyer, he tells her that his uncle was Johnnie Cochran. Okay, this is where I begin to laugh...silently. Then he proceeds to tell her that if she wanted he could take her out to dinner, buy her things, etc...but she is trying to ignore the conversation and simply look over the city. By the time I got off the el at Lawrence, I was dying laughing. I went to Borders, talked to Vicki on the phone, and met up with everyone at the Green Mill. And not just any Green Mill, but the one that Al Capone use to hang out at and there is a secret tunnel there. Amy met up with us at that point and we went into the show.

Andy either wanted front row (to stand) or good balcony seats and we got the latter. So Matt, Amy and I began to talk when the guys in front of us began to smoke. This old bouncer came up to us (which by the way, his name is either Rex/Tommy/Joe/Francis) and asked us if the smoke was bothering us, because if it was, we could have them put it out. So funny. Well, somehow we began to talk about when people find out where you went to college and then begin asking you about people (granted it doesn't happen that often for me, but still I know I do it). So we made up a random person (Joan Davis) who is now the staple of that conversation for Amy, Matt and I. The other staple of our conversation was this story Matt had about googling one of his contacts for work and finding a police record on someone with a similar name who stabbed her boyfriend in the heel with a steak knife. Really? The Heel? Steak Knife? "OHHH I'm so angry at you right now, but all I can reach is this steak knife and your heel!" Whose thought process is that?

By the time the opening act got started, it was this Mealoaf looking guy with an accordion singing songs you would expect off of SNL. He mentioned something about a radio broadcaster and then something about the east and west...I really don't remember, but he made us laugh. After he was done, people were trying to find seats and while the other security people were nice, this one guy was completely rude about it. "Stop starring people...move it along...." wow, I'm guessing he doesn't have WOO.

Once Ben began and played, it was an amazing show and did so much for my soul. I met up with Mike for a drink afterwards, which is another blog in itself....But last night was a beautiful night in the city and I loved makes me want to create nights like that in Denver.