Things that have given me hope over the last few days...

Why regardless is a powerful word (From Jeffery Platts)
◦Regardless of the dumb thing you just blurted out, it doesn’t mean the entire conversation needs to suck.
◦Regardless of what job you might have, the clothes you wear or the car you drive, your soulmate is not going to give a shit about any of that.
◦Regardless of the how ugly you might feel some days, there are at least 7 people who saw you and thought that you were hot.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been single, you can trust that divine and perfect timing has got your back.
◦Regardless of how much debt you might have, your true worth is not in your bank account.
◦Regardless of the donut you just ate, you can always eat an apple next time.
◦Regardless of what the national or global economy is, your personal economy does not have to follow the same path.
◦Regardless of whether the person said or forgot to say, you don’t have to look for reasons to be offended.
◦Regardless of how unimportant you might feel, you always have an impact; the Universe would not have put you here if you weren’t important.
◦Regardless of whether one particular date goes well, finding a loving, sexy, soul-level connection with your ideal partner is inevitable.
◦Regardless of your circumstances, you have the resourcefulness to change things for the better.
◦Regardless of what someone says about you, your own opinion of yourself trumps all others.
◦Regardless of the cold and rainy day, you don’t need to be in a low mood.
◦Regardless of what you are currently feeling, all emotions are temporary.
◦Regardless of how much you weigh or how ill you may feel, health and vitality are possible.
◦Regardless of how alone you may feel, others really do care about you.
◦Regardless of how your parents treated you, you can thrive in this life.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been feeling lost and confused, clarity is just around the corner.
◦Regardless of how perfect someone else’s life may seem, they have insecurities and challenges just like you.
◦Regardless how how much “baggage” you think you might have, you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE.
◦Regardless of how many times you’ve tried and failed, if you’re still breathing, you can keep going.
◦Regardless of how many closed doors you’ve encountered, there is always another one that CAN be opened.
◦Regardless how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you can still choose to live with an open heart.
◦Regardless of what teachers, parents, friends or your own mind may tell you, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

a declaration of deserving (from the White Hot Truth):
You are worthy of your desires. Really wanting what you want gives you the power to get it. You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.) You are worthy of love and respect. Lovable.

You deserve
: eye contact
: smiles in the morning
: food made with pure intention
: clean drinking water, fresh air
: Hello, Please, Thank you.
: time to think about it
: a chance to show them what you're made of
: a second chance
: an education
: health care, including dental
: multiple orgasms
: weekends and the summer off
: 8 hours of sleep
: play before work
: to change your mind
: to say no
: to say yes
: to have your deepest needs met
: to be seen
: to be loved for what is seen.

You deserve all this just because you showed up.
Yep, you're that monumental.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -- John Quincy Adams

I've always been inspired by people who do amazing things. Even those who do little things that they think people don't notice. The person who gives up their seat on the bus, or the person who pays for the coffee of the person behind them...these people inspire me. And often times, I don't know these people.

However, recently I've become inspired by two friends. My friend Kacee is training for a marathon. It's almost a month away and while reading her story, I am moved. I am moved by what she is learning about herself, about the depth of her character, the woman she is shaping into by running crazy amounts. Her stories (you can read it about here) are showing me what perseverance, truth, and grace are all about. And while I might not sign up for a marathon, it is showing me what taking on a big challenge can do for a person.

My other friends, M & M have a story that you would only hear about on a Lifetime movie. One would think, "this would never happen to people I know". But it is. Their story, about adoption, about not letting go, about unsettled decisions after 2 years, makes me cry about every time I read one of their blog updates. Unfortunately, due to the privacy of their court dates, I cannot share their blog. And hopefully after tomorrow, they will have some resolution in their life.

I think I would have given up a while ago in both of these stories. Told myself that I can't/couldn't do it. That it would be easier to just quit and give up instead of pushing through. I am forever grateful to have their stories in my life. As a reminder of what people can do when they are pushed to the limit. I'm just grateful I have role models like this in my life.

It has been 10 years and it has been 5 years

My grandparents were married in April of 1942. My grandfather, a retired Brig. General in the Louisiana National Guard; my grandmother a strong woman and deeply cared about her family. My summers were spent with them in New Orleans, watching Days of Our Lives. Our holidays were spent in New Orleans, around the Christmas tree. With 3 sons and 9 grandchildren, the house was always filled with laughter.

In June 0f 2000, I was preparing to leave for a stint with a summer camp in North Carolina. I was driving down 95th Street in Overland Park, Kansas when I got the phone call. My grandfather had passed away. I sobbed at a stop light. In a flash, we had to get packed and fly to New Orleans. I flew down, not knowing if I would still be going to North Carolina, but packed for it anyways. One night, before the funeral, my dad came into where I was staying and said that I needed to go to camp. That my Papa would want me to go. I never heard the 21 gun salute at my grandfather's funeral, but I still remember the wake.

In August 2010, my grandmother's health was failing. She had suffered a stroke in January and she never fully recovered. I had just started a new temping job with a bank (the job I would eventually hold for 3 years) and received a phone call that within the next few days, my grandmother would probably pass away. On the 22nd of August, as I was walking around the mall, looking for something to wear to a funeral, I got the phone call. Again, I packed, getting ready to fly down and back for her funeral. Unlike my grandfather, the woman in the casket was not my Grammy. Her weight had dropped drastically and her hands were so tight.

It's been 1o years since I loss my Papa; it's been 5 years since I loss my Grammy. And in case you have been living under a rock for the last 5 years, it has also been 5 years since Hurricane Katrina. The constant reminder of what New Orleans has become is a ping in my soul of what happened 3 days before Katrina struck. I stood in the hot sun and watched as they put her casket in the tomb...sometimes, you never forget details like that.

Because this is the eve of my Grammy's death, my soul is hurting. I miss my grandparents. I miss my family, I miss what New Orleans held for me and what it will always mean to me. I miss...

Let's get you back to Kenya

I've started therapy again. It's been two years since the last time. The last time focused around the trauma that was Radius. This time, well, we are focusing more on me.

I will not go into details, about why I am going, what we are discussing. Only a few people know those details.

However last night, we were talking about the three major things I wanted to work on through therapy. The last one has to deal with my job. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my co-workers. But, at the end of the day, I still realize this isn't what I am suppose to be doing. And as I speak with my therapist, it is a constant reminder that I know what I should be doing with my life.

She ended last night with "well, let's get you back to Kenya." Out of everything we talked about yesterday, this is what is still sitting with me.

I sit and question what does it look like for me to get back to Kenya, without literally going. How do I do what I know I'm suppose to be doing, from Denver, or even the states?

Let's get you back to Kenya. The one place in recent history where I felt totally alive, totally me, totally centered.

Let's get you back to Kenya...heavy words to consider.

I'm not so sure...

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

60 days and counting...

It's not shocking that I'm struggling with my impending birthday (now only 60 days away). I think it really comes down to expectations. My expectation on where I would be when I turned 30 are drastically different than where I am today.

My friends J and K always remind me that my life is really good, that I've accomplished so much before my 30th. Why wouldn't I sit in that and realize they are correct? I own my home, I have a job, a master's degree, fantastic friends, a dog. I've traveled to Kenya, I've found my spirit, I've embraced my personhood (to some degree). I know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what pisses me off...seriously, most people never find this out. So why am I not grateful?

Again, it's expectations. I expected that I would be married, with children in the home that I own. I expected to be using my master's degree and now it's a distant memory of who I use to be. I expected to be in a career, not a job. I expected to be settled. And not in the sense that this is the best it's ever going to get, but assured.

What I know to be true is that while things appear to be going well, deep down, I know they are not. I know that the man I want to be with does not want me in that capacity. I know that my fear of ending up like Bridget Jones where I have died alone in my house and I'm being eaten by dogs is very true. I know that I fear losing my job again and being forced to sell my home. That I may never get a master's degree in something I believe in. That I may never join the Peace Corps.

Truthfully, I'm living a life of fear. And it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting therapy again in February in hopes that I can resolve myself and can embrace the beautiful life I do have...until then, I question how I got here and if I can change it in 60 days.

An update on, well, life

Here's the thing about life, in case you forgot. Life never stops. People always want it to, in fact, I often wish life would stop just so I can catch up. But wishing life would stop prevents life from doing what it is called to do...move on. Making the hard decisions are never easy...that's why they call them hard decisions.

In a recent turn of events, after posting this, I actually got the courage to say the words aloud. That night as I tried to sleep, I couldn't believe how proud I was of myself. I finally put myself first and it felt great.

Which made me think of other areas I deserve to be first in. That means I've ramped up my job searching, taken some other strides personally, and have decided that right now, I'm number 1 in my book.

I've needed to do this for a while now. But the pressure of everything else has hindered my development. Hence, the wishing life would stop. But how can I move on if life is in a constant pause state? That doesn't mean I don't have down days. That doesn't mean I'm not overwhelmed by the situation I'm in and how I desperately wish it was different. But it's remembering to take the good with the bad, the in with the out and hopefully moving up in a better position.

Who would have thought, telling one person the words I've needed to say, would have pushed me so hard to be true to myself?

what does settling mean to you?

I am a big (make that HUGE) proponent of not settling. I don't think anyone should ever settle...in relationships, in work, in life.

Most of my friends have heard me say, especially in the last year, I will not settle. I settled when I took the job here in Denver, mostly because I needed the money. I craved the stability.

Here I am 9 months after the fact, and I am realizing more and more how I need that stability. So what do you do? When you realize you might have to settle again? Is it truly settling or it realizing the need and knowing you have to do what's best for you in the situation you are currently in?

I still think you shouldn't settle, especially in relationships (which I too am often guilty of) but perhaps with work, I just don't know if I can continue with the life I have and the life I want.

next steps

I've been thinking more and more recently about what I should be doing.

Should be. It's a dangerous grouping of words. I should be cleaning my house, walking my dog, studying for the GRE, working more at Starbucks, creating more intentional time with friends, meditating, caring for my soul...the list could go on. But those two tragic words together induce such shame. I really should be doing what I think is best for me.

I'm tossing around the idea of going back to grad school. However, this is where the pull is. I already have a master degree. Why do I need another one? If I go back to school, shouldn't I be going after a PhD? Not that my first isn't important, but outside of the church, most companies have no idea what the hell to do what a Master of Arts in Transformational Leadership, hence the fact I leave the Transformational part out on my resume. And really, do I need another master degree to do what I want?

But that leads to the ultimate question...what do I really want to be doing? I know the things I believe about myself, that I was put on this planet to create change in it. That the systems we have in place aren't helping people and I want to help people. So does that mean I need a different degree? Do I need a Social Work or Public Policy degree?

(And if someone could tell me what a degree in Public Policy really does, I'd appreciate it.)

But in the same breath, the ultimate question brings up some great fears. Do I really want to pay $90,000 for a degree in Social Work when making that will never happen? Why do I have to take the GRE because I suck at standardize tests and already have a degree, shouldn't that be enough? How would I make ends meet?

Maybe this is all a ramble, but at the end of the day, I need some direction. But I know, I definitely need to start looking at some next steps for my future.

hum.

Someone asked me recently why they still check my blog every day even though I rarely post these days. And in all honesty, I don't know why she still checks either.

Last night as I was doing dishes at Starbucks (yes, for those of you who don't know, I took up a part time job to get completely debt free by next year), I had the time to process some items that are on the table. I thought about the response I really want to tell someone, about how I want the courage to say I am done. I thought about life, where it is, what it has been, and the disappointment I feel around some of it. I thought about how drastically different it looks compared to what it was imagined to be. I thought about a conversation I had earlier in the day about how a person's job and their true being were so drastically different that they didn't know if they could even be in the same room with each other.

Who knows where this is going and if I even have a point right now, but there is something to be said to the point that moving on isn't a bad thing...it just needs to happen...

I will be 30 in 663 days

That has nothing to do with this post, it's just a fact that I'm keeping in mind.

I once had a friend who always talked about moving back to their home town. They would talk about the possibilities and then, it wouldn't happen. And while the hype eventually got to be a little much, I began to wonder if they really ever wanted to move or just wanted the possibility of something new and exciting in their life.

Every 3 years, I get the itch to move. I blame it on my upbringing. We moved every 3 1/2 years. Like clockwork, I began to realize that summers equated moving to a new town. And while KC was the longest I had ever lived in the same house and the same city, I created new things to change every 3 years. Friends, churches, schools...in a lot of ways, moving was the most stable thing in my life.

Here it is, 3 years after I moved to Denver. And of course, I feel the need to shake things ups. Besides a handful of friends and the condo, there really isn't anything keeping me here. I've lost more friends over the last 3 years than I think I have in any of my previous years. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've lost a mission for my life.

And if you can't leave (Denver's housing market is the 10th worst in the country currently), how do you shake things up to get a sense of new?

i can't shake this feeling

I've been back from Africa for 11 weeks.

Last week, I was watching Life is Wild, a show "supposedly" set in South Africa about a family that picks up their life and moves there to try to become a family again.

Trust me, it wasn't the Africa I know and love. However, towards the end of the show, my Africa song started playing.

And I lost it. I sat in my living room and bawled like a little baby.

I miss Africa, more importantly, I miss Kenya. I miss the kids I interacted with, I miss the friends I made, I miss Kym. I still smell Kenya every where I go. I feel like I'm losing parts of the story I knew to be there. I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself and there are times when I listen to my soundtrack that I made for Kenya and I still tear up.

The dates have been set for the 2008 trip and I am seriously reconsidering going. My heart aches for Kenya and I don't know what to do about it here in the States.

What do you do when you miss the place that makes you feel most like you?

The reality of Kenya

My friend Bri recently sent me this article regarding the dump in Dandora.

And this is the reality of what I saw while I was there.

They aren't storks, they are pterodactyls. The site of a school next door is overwhelming because you hear the children laughing over playing together and then you see the site of what they are playing next to. To think that my friends lived next door to this and survived is amazing to me.

This is the reality of Nairobi. This is what needs help. This is affecting the communities that are near by. The government, both Kenyan and world wide governments, need to figure out a solution to this problem. Because it's dumb to think it's only affecting Kenya, it's happening in all developing countries. And it's changing people's lives.

I just wish I knew how to fix the problem. Because I can't imagine what this problem is going to be like in 50 years.

good bye to you

Today, I realized that I needed to stop reading someone’s blog. Not because of something mean or hurtful they have said it in, but it feels to me like reading someone’s life that I have no idea about.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll read this blog or this one. And even if I don’t know them, I don’t feel like we’ve ever had a relationship or that it ended one day because they chose one path and I chose another.

The fact of the matter is that at one point, I did have a friendship with this person. And the day it ended comes to mind every now and then. I remember it as if it was yesterday…when I was replaced by someone else in their life. And today, as I read through their blog, I realized I have no idea what is going on in their life, and frankly, I don’t if I want to know.

By reading their blog, I’m just continuing self-masochist ways. Causing pain to myself because I feel like I can continue to be a part of their life by reading what’s going on through a blog.
Not through coffee or a drink, but through their blog. Let’s be real, that’s no way to "know" someone….it’s not even intimate.

So until I feel like I can safely distant myself from their blog and not wonder why all of the sudden we are no longer friends, I need to go on a fast. Maybe that’s the only way I can heal from this friendship ending unexpectedly.

6 years ago

On September 8, I watched my best friend walk down the aisle and marry the man she would spend the rest of her life with. It was one of the better days of my life because I saw the happiness in her eyes, in her smile, in the way that held his hand.

Little did I know 3 days later, the safe little world I knew would be destroyed.

On September 11, I woke up knowing something important had happened that day but couldn't remember what. I showered, got ready for class and turned on the TV while I ate breakfast. What I saw was the world I knew crumbling beneath fear. I walked down the streets in Manhattan (Kansas) towards class, wondering why they were still happening.

I sat in the Union afterward, watching the huge TV as everything came into view. 2 building crumbled, a hole ripped into another building, and a plane disintegrated into the earth in Pennsylvania. And I for some reason felt the need to call my best friend because even though she and her husband were in Hawaii, I wanted to know that they were okay.

And now 6 years later, I don't feel any safer in the world. This summer, I saw what corruption can do to a government. I saw poverty unlike anything I have ever imagined, crimes that were unthinkable, and yet I felt safe.

And then I came back to the states.

And all I've wanted since I've been back is Kenya. Why, when I have the safeness of the states, do I want to go back to a place that is anything but safe?

Is September 11 becoming a distant memory for me, or is it a reality that I don't know what to do with? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers. I don't think war was/is a solution to feeling safe, I don't think that pulling troops or adding more is the answer either. Nor is a new Democratic president a solution. In reality, it's going to take a lot for the world to feel like it did on that fall day 6 years ago. And perhaps, the reality is that it may never feel that way again...and maybe I'm going to have to live with that.

hmmm....

Many of you know that I hate to take a risk. I'm afraid of not being in control, of not knowing what will happen at the end. My best friend often says I will marry someone who doesn't like structure and time tables...a risk taker.

I came across this quote this afternoon and it made me ponder risks:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
- Unknown

Right now more than anything, I need to be free. I'm hoping by taking the little risks I am these days, I can find it because I'm starting to feel trapped again.

I guess this day has been in the making for years...

As an 11 year old, I (well, my parents and I) made the decision to not be a maid in Mardi Gras. Taking off weeks at a time for school just didn't seem like fun. So, we took my money that I had received from my grandparents and invested it.

And it sat...

And it sat...

When I moved to Chicago, I considered buying something, but didn't...buying something for 3 years didn't make sense to me.

And then I moved here. Here where expectations were blown out of the water, where I couldn't find a place to belong, thought it was me, realized it wasn't. Here where I've discovered how strong I could be, and ultimately a place where I can call it home. Despite all that happened here, all the pain, I have found joy.

And on the eve of my move, I am realizing how overwhelmed I feel. Boxes still need to be packed. Things need to be cleaned. Life needs to slow down...

I'm ready, I keep telling myself that. I'm ready for this day, for tomorrow, and I'm ready to be done. To feel the carpet underneath my feet and know it's mine. To paint a wall one day and change it the next.

To be away from a neighborhood filled with so many bad memories.

So, here I go...a commitment that I can't believe I'm taking and fall head first into the deep unknown of being a home owner...

And while tomorrow I'll be moving, Sunday holds the day of simply being in my new home...and realizing it's all mine...

choosing the good

What I need to remember about choosing the good is that I don't control it...the anxiousness, worry, and trouble I feel isn't about the good, it's about my desire to control the good.

I need to remember that I deserve the good, that it is what is wanted for me, and that if I try to control it, I'm actually moving away from the good...

I want the good, I just feel like it is slipping through my fingers...

Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love. -- John LeCarre

While driving into work this morning, I started thinking about betrayal. Why people betray one another? Why people sabotage relationships and why, ultimately, I do it too...

In the last 3 years, I think I've experienced more betrayal than I ever had in my entire life. It started during a leadership conflict I had that scared me out of my mind. Watching someone I thought was my friend go behind my back and take something up with leadership, that was painful. However, I had no idea that was only the beginning.

While I chose out of friendships, much like others had in my life, I didn't realize that I was playing a part in the betrayal. That I too was making the choice to betray.

It obviously comes down to people trying to secure their own good. I want the good in my life to stay good and I'll go to extremes trying to protect it. So, why do we betray those we claim we love and even like? Because of self-protection...and to be honest, I'm tired of it...

the only way to feel again is let love in

Johnny Rzeznik recently said that their song "Let Love In" had nothing to do about a girl...well, duh (that's right, I said duh, I'm bringing it much like sexy)

You decide, because to me, it has to do with the Love, the Lover...