Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Merry Christmas?

Since I was unemployed for most of 2009, I couldn't really afford to leave for the holidays. Which, all in all, isn't a bad thing. My folks came to visit for Thanksgiving and they have sent my presents to me. They've been neatly stacked at my front door because, well, I was lazy this year and decided not to put up a tree.

This isn't my first Christmas away from my family. I did it in 2007 when I didn't have the time off to travel because of Kenya. But the biggest difference is that I spent that Christmas with my friends at my house, lounging in pj's opening presents and laughing. We also went to see Juno that night. Overall, it was a great Christmas.

This Christmas is, well, something I'm not looking forward to. In all honesty, I almost wish I was traveling to a different city instead of staying in Denver. I'm not going to be completely alone. My friends Maria and Leah are beyond gracious and have both opened their festivities up to me. And my friend Nic and I are going to dinner on Christmas Eve and then I'm heading to a new friend Nicole's house.

It should be a good time...it should be nice. But it's not ideal. I'm extremely grateful that my friends have included me, and yet, there is a huge part of me that is struggling with the alone-ness of this Christmas. I think the thought of not having anyone around on Christmas Day is really starting to freak me out and this isn't how I want to spend Christmas. The independent part of me wants to be okay with spending Christmas away from my close friends and family...the reality is I'm having really big anxiety about this Christmas, which is making me not all that excited for it. I just hope I can get into the spirit by Friday.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Why I love the Internet

And really, what I love is Facebook. Sure, it has it's problems. Sometimes people post way to much information, sometimes people are over-dramatic (myself included), sometimes people use it to be passive-aggressive. However, Facebook is, for me at least, a place to catch up, to hear what is going on with friends, and to laugh at pictures. But the best thing is the ability to catch up with old friends.

Jeni and I actually went to middle school together and were friends in high school. We went to the same church, had the same crushes, and had a similar group of friends. But we lost touch in college (not surprising because I suck at keeping in touch with people). And thanks to Facebook and for being in similar dating places, we've reconnected with a vengeance. We chat daily about our boy situations, about what we SHOULD be doing and how we SHOULD be acting in our late 20's.

Don't get me wrong, my girlfriends here and around the country are fabulous on their advice, but there is something about Jeni's advice. She's been really helpful, and most importantly, not judgemental as I make decisions about my love life. She recently posted this blog about not wanting to be second string, or the back-up, in a guy's life. The girl who is good enough if everything else doesn't work out. And what was so refreshing about this blog in particular is that it's something I've cried out before. I get it, and to me, that's why I love reconnecting with Jeni. It feels like we are on the same path, just many, many miles away.

So, say what you will about the Internet and Facebook, but I love it and am appreciative for reconnecting me to a friend that I lost along the way...

Saturday, December 05, 2009

I'm ready to get on to 2010

It may be the antidepressants talking, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic about 2010

And it's true, it may be the antidepressants, but 2010 has to be better than 2009. So much has to happen in 2010. First and foremost, it's the year of the 30. I've currently got 101 days left. I've set some realistic goals for myself on what I want to take control over in the 30th year. Finances, diet, life, love are all at the top of the list.

With 26 days left in the year and 101 days left in my 20's (yeah, that's weird to say, especially when I consider where I was when I was leaving my teens for my 20's...thank god for transformation), I've decided to take this list seriously:

By 30, you should have (I've crossed through the ones I feel like I've accomplished):
  1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
  2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
  3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
  4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
  5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
  6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
  7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
  8. An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
  9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
  10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
  11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
  12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
  13. The belief that you deserve it.
  14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
  15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

  • How to fall in love without losing yourself.
  • How you feel about having kids.
  • How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
  • When to try harder and when to walk away.
  • How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
  • The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
  • How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
  • How to take control of your own birthday.
  • That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
  • That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
  • What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
  • That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
  • Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
  • Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
  • Why they say life begins at 30.

  • Looks like I've got some work to do in the next 101 days...

    Friday, October 16, 2009

    289 days. 15 Hours. 46 minutes.

    On December 31, I lost my job.

    I lost what I considered to be my sense of who I was. I wasn't happy. I hadn't been happy at the job since I came back from Kenya. Something clicked there and I started realizing that not only was I unhappy, but my boss thought I was complete idiot and had no idea what I was doing.

    So, I packed up my items and I left. I began what I thought would be a short jaunt. I thought to myself, this will be quick, I will get a job shortly. And then one month passed. I applied for job after job after job. (As a side note, I think I've applied for almost 300 jobs.)

    I had a handful of interviews, some I really wanted, some weren't for me. I eventually came to the point where I was willing to settle. I would settle for anything. If it would pay me a decent amount, I would do it.

    Last week, that changed. I applied for a position knowing it's something I can be good at, something that I want to do. I took a shot and applied, not knowing what would come of it. I had 2 really good interviews. My references gave me some of the best compliments in the world.

    Today, I accepted a position as a Catering Sales Manager for a company here in Denver. I can't wait to start and the opportunity that is before me. I almost feel like I can't be inside my own skin because I am so excited.

    And yet, I know one thing is for sure. These last 289 days were complete hell. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. For every person who is in this position, I am sorry. I can't offer you the words you want to hear, but I do get it...and very few of us do.

    There are a few people who have made these last 10 months possible. My parents, my dog, my friends who have gone above and beyond any expectation I would have imagined. Every phone call, every outing, every encouragement have made these days bearable. My parents have supported me in ways I couldn't believe. My friends have forced me out of my house, out of my depression, out of my clouds. Thank you to each one of you for all of your support over the last 289 days. I will forever be grateful.

    Who knows what the future holds, but I've been waiting for this day for over 10 months. I am excited for the next adventure...here goes nothing.

    Tuesday, October 06, 2009

    An update on, well, life

    Here's the thing about life, in case you forgot. Life never stops. People always want it to, in fact, I often wish life would stop just so I can catch up. But wishing life would stop prevents life from doing what it is called to do...move on. Making the hard decisions are never easy...that's why they call them hard decisions.

    In a recent turn of events, after posting this, I actually got the courage to say the words aloud. That night as I tried to sleep, I couldn't believe how proud I was of myself. I finally put myself first and it felt great.

    Which made me think of other areas I deserve to be first in. That means I've ramped up my job searching, taken some other strides personally, and have decided that right now, I'm number 1 in my book.

    I've needed to do this for a while now. But the pressure of everything else has hindered my development. Hence, the wishing life would stop. But how can I move on if life is in a constant pause state? That doesn't mean I don't have down days. That doesn't mean I'm not overwhelmed by the situation I'm in and how I desperately wish it was different. But it's remembering to take the good with the bad, the in with the out and hopefully moving up in a better position.

    Who would have thought, telling one person the words I've needed to say, would have pushed me so hard to be true to myself?

    Thursday, September 24, 2009

    Your girl is lovely, Hubble

    This is so appropriate today....more than I even realize...

    Wednesday, September 16, 2009

    what does settling mean to you?

    I am a big (make that HUGE) proponent of not settling. I don't think anyone should ever settle...in relationships, in work, in life.

    Most of my friends have heard me say, especially in the last year, I will not settle. I settled when I took the job here in Denver, mostly because I needed the money. I craved the stability.

    Here I am 9 months after the fact, and I am realizing more and more how I need that stability. So what do you do? When you realize you might have to settle again? Is it truly settling or it realizing the need and knowing you have to do what's best for you in the situation you are currently in?

    I still think you shouldn't settle, especially in relationships (which I too am often guilty of) but perhaps with work, I just don't know if I can continue with the life I have and the life I want.

    Monday, September 14, 2009

    Just a test

    That my linking between my facebook page is no longer importing my blogger posts.

    This is really so I can post my next post.

    Sunday, September 06, 2009

    stopping insanity

    Oh What A Day by Ingrid Michaelson
    Oh what a day is today
    Nothing can stand in my way
    Now that you've shipped out from under my skin
    I think I'm ready to win

    Oh what a night is tonight
    I think I'm ready to fight
    Now that my broken bones all have been healed
    I think I'm starting to feel

    Something good
    Something good
    Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good

    Oh what a way that we die
    Plenty of tears were supplied
    My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone
    And I taste much better alone

    Something good
    Something good
    Now that you're gone I can roll onto something good

    Oh you know I moved away
    From the other side of the door
    I don't have to wait anymore for you to come home
    Something good
    Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good
    Something good

    I've been feeling a little empowered today, especially after reading Einstein's quote about insanity:
    "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

    So, I've decided to take small steps...to prevent insanity. This song feels very appropriate right now...

    Saturday, August 29, 2009

    Because, you know, I like truthiness

    Just in case you'd like to combat the lies the right would like you to believe about the health care battle, please peruse this article.

    I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...yeah.

    Tuesday, August 18, 2009

    things needed...a pause button

    There are 210 days left until it happens. It...the dreaded 30th birthday.

    Here's the thing: I wish that I could pause my life like I do often on my tivo. I am so nervous about my 30th. Where I thought I would be and were I am are on such different planes, I often think they are traveling to Tokyo and Nairobi at the same time.

    And I don't want to have a pity party, but it's true. Turning 30 might be in the 10 list of my greatest fears, only behind abandonment and loose teeth. I remember distinctly what I said my freshman year of college as to where I would be at 25. And obviously, that didn't happen. Yes, I did survive the "failure" of dreams then, so perhaps this is survivable too.

    But what do you do? When you are facing a milestone, in a year that could easily be one of the worst? What do you do when you are laying on the floor of your living room, questioning what was and what is and what will be? Do you simply rely on the present, remembering that your feet are firmly on the floor or pine away for the future?

    And while the 210 days slowly tick away, I begin to think of all that is yet to be accomplished and how to delight in what I have done, where I am, and who I am. But, and if I am honest with you dear Internet, the joy is short in comparison with the long list of things I should have accomplished by now.

    That's why I wish my life came with a pause button. I want to stop now, accomplish what I want and continue on before 30. I want to rewind and relive the highs and fast forward the lows. I want to cherish the laughter, the tears, the growth with a slow motion button and at the end of it all, I want to save it so I can watch it again later.

    Unfortunately, life doesn't work like tivo. And until I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it to, I'll look toward the 30th birthday with a bit of fear and a sense of what if.

    Sunday, August 16, 2009

    what I appreciate

    " In the end, this isn’t about politics. This is about people’s lives and livelihoods. This is about people’s businesses. This is about America’s future, and whether we will be able to look back years from now and say that this was the moment when we made the changes we needed, and gave our children a better life. I believe we can, and I believe we will."

    Thank you, President Obama, for a clear understanding of what you are going after in the health care debate. Just another reason I am proud I voted for you and stand by my decision every day.

    Monday, June 08, 2009

    what if?

    I'm just curious.

    What if the "purity retreat" I went to in high school actually presented waiting like this:

    As opposed to being shamed into not owning a 2 pieced bikini and not running?

    Just a thought.

    Sunday, May 17, 2009

    be ok...

    Perhaps one of the most frustrating thing about being unemployed are the reactions I get from others. For those who know someone or themselves have been unemployed, the response is "I'm so sorry. How are you doing?". Yet, for those who have no idea what it is like, here are the response I have received:

    Are you loving it?
    That's fantastic. What are you doing these days?
    Good for you!

    WHAT?!?! Good for you?!?!

    Um, let's review the facts of the last 5 months: These have not been easy times. They have not been fun. Sure there are moments that are beautiful, that remind me that waiting for the job that is best for me is okay. Most days though, the fear that something may never come is overwhelming.

    It's been suggested recently that I look into pharmaceutical sales in the mean time. When I've mentioned it to two people (who don't know each other), they've both said the same thing: That's selling your soul to the devil. I'm not going to lie, the possibility of making $60,000 a year is tempting. But is it worth it?

    I recently asked my friends for support. A few people asked what they can do. What I realized I needed came last night as I took my friend Maria home. She spoke some words of truth into my life. That she respected my decision to wait, that it is honorable and no matter what I do, she's there for me. What I need right now is for people to speak the truth into my life. I desperately need is for people to remind me that I am doing more than enough and if I want to wait, it's going to be okay.

    And that's what I want. To be okay. I want to know that things are going to be okay, no matter what happens, no matter how long I wait. I think that's part of the reason Ingrid Michaelson's song "Be Ok" is my current repeat song:

    I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
    I just want to be ok today
    I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
    I just want to be ok today

    I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
    I just want to feel something today
    I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
    I just want to feel something today

    Open me up and you will see
    I'm a gallery of broken hearts
    I'm beyond repair, let me be
    And give me back my broken parts

    I just want to know today, know today, know today
    I just want to know something today
    I just want to know today, know today, know today
    Know that maybe I will be ok


    Just give me back my pieces
    Just give them back to me please
    Just give me back my pieces
    And let me hold my broken parts

    I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
    I just want to be ok today
    I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
    I just want to be ok today

    I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
    I just want to feel something today
    I just want to know today, know today, know today
    Know that maybe I will be ok
    Know that maybe I will be ok
    Know that maybe I will be ok

    Hopefully someday soon I realize that I will know I will be okay...

    Sunday, April 05, 2009


    1. having, showing, or able to exert great bodily or muscular power; physically vigorous or robust: a strong boy.
    2. accompanied or delivered by great physical, mechanical, etc., power or force: a strong handshake; With one strong blow the machine stamped out a fender.
    3. mentally powerful or vigorous: He may be old, but his mind is still strong.
    4. especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect: She's very strong in mathematics. He's weak at bat, but he's a strong fielder.
    5. of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation.
    6. powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding: a strong nation.
    7. aggressive; willful: a strong personality.
    8. of great force, effectiveness, potency, or cogency; compelling: strong reasons; strong arguments.
    9. clear and firm; loud: He has a strong voice.
    10. solid or stable; healthy; thriving: The banker predicted a strong economy.
    11. well-supplied or rich in something specific: a strong hand in trumps.
    12. having powerful means to resist attack, assault, or aggression: a strong fortress; a strong defense.
    13. able to resist strain, force, wear, etc.: strong walls; strong cloth.
    14. decisively unyielding; firm or uncompromising: She has strong views about the United Nations. He has a strong sense of duty.
    15. fervent; zealous; thoroughgoing: He's a strong Democrat.
    16. strenuous or energetic; vigorous: strong efforts.
    17. moving or acting with force or vigor: strong winds.
    18. distinct or marked; vivid, as impressions, resemblance or contrast: He bears a strong resemblance to his grandfather.
    19. intense, as light or color.
    20. having a large proportion of the effective or essential properties or ingredients; concentrated: strong tea.
    21. (of a beverage or food) containing much alcohol: strong drink; The fruitcake was too strong.
    22. having a high degree of flavor or odor: strong cheese; strong perfume.
    23. having an unpleasant or offensive flavor or odor, esp. in the process of decay: strong butter.
    24. of a designated number: Marines 20,000 strong.
    25. Commerce. characterized by steady or advancing prices: The market resumed its strong pace after yesterday's setback.
    26. Grammar.
    a. (of Germanic verbs) having vowel change in the root in inflected forms, as the English verbs sing, sang, sung; ride, rode, ridden.
    b. (of Germanic nouns and adjectives) inflected with endings that are generally distinctive of case, number, and gender, as German alter Mann “old man.”
    c. belonging to the morphophonemically less regular of two inflectional subtypes.
    27. (of a word or syllable) stressed.

    Out of all the words on my list, this has always been my most difficult to embrace. I have always had a strong personality and while I was in the conservative church world, this was never encouraged or embraced. In my mind, it was always looked upon with shame. (Damn you Proverbs 31 for being misinterpreted and shaming towards vibrant, young women) And unfortunately, I never embraced it either.

    It wasn't until Chicago that I fully began to understand that my strong-will isn't a bad thing. I'm a confident, strong-willed individual. And some people cannot handle it. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to handle it. However, today, I'm going to embrace it and love it because Sheralee is right, this is a part of who I am.

    Saturday, April 04, 2009


    One of my favorite shows to watch is "Friday Night Lights". It has nothing to do with my love of football, it has to do with my desire to be authentic. Something in this show hits my desire for authenticity every week.

    This week, I realized how strong this desire is when I realized someone I considered to be a friend showed his true colors. Not knowing him made me sad; realizing who he actually is made me sadder.

    My desire to be known, to be real, to be loved has become more apparent since I've lost my job. My desire to do work that betters the world is palpable in every moment of my life.

    As I was watching "Friday Night Lights" this week, I was struck by one of the characters desire for college. Her desire for college is similar to my desires to just be me. And in all honesty, these could be my words today.

    Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything.
    I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.
    But now I find that I can't stop wanting.
    I want to fly somewhere in first class.
    I want to travel to Europe on a business trip.
    I want to get invited to the White House.
    I want to learn about the world.
    I want to surprise myself.
    I want to be important.
    I want to be the best person that I can be.
    I want to define myself instead of having others define me.
    I want to win, and have people be happy for me,
    I want to lose and get over it.
    I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
    I want to grow up to be generous and big hearted, the way that people have been with me.
    I want an interesting and surprising life.
    It's not that I think I'm going to get all of these things,
    I just want the possibility of getting them.
    College Life represents possibility.
    The possibility that things are going to change.
    I can't wait..

    Wednesday, April 01, 2009

    New Feature

    I often speak about songs that I keep on repeat. I've been able to add a feature where you can now hear the song I am referencing. Enjoy!

    Tuesday, March 31, 2009

    my little experiment

    Half way through Monday, I realized I was suppose to be meditating on the encouraging words that Sheralee had given to me. Ironically, the word was encouraging.

    Here's what I realized: I need to become more encouraging to myself. I think Sheralee is right, I am encouraging to my friends. I fully believe I have the best group of friends. I have surrounded myself (here and around the world) with people who are fully loving, who are capable of changing the world, who have strong convictions and aren't willing to back down on what they believe in. However, most of the time, I don't believe that about myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn abusive towards myself. My friend Sara reminded me of that on Monday night when we had birthday desserts.

    So, here's to hoping that I will give myself a little grace and a lot of love and start building myself up. Here's to encouragement.

    Sunday, March 29, 2009

    enjoy the ride...

    Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride... -Solbeam

    On my birthday, my friend Sheralee handed me a small, handmade card. She selected 12 words, 12 words of truth she sees in me. And she's right, I don't believe in these 12 words are the truth about me, especially these days. But I'm trying to. I've made the active choice to spend the next 12 days meditating over these truths. My hope is simple, hopefully by the end of the 12 days I will know they are very true.


    Tuesday, March 17, 2009

    yeah, yeah, it was my birthday

    I've recently said that 2009 is in the running for the worst year. I don't know 2005 can be topped, but it so far, 2009 is in the running.

    I typically spend the entire month of March celebrating my birthday. However, due to the circumstances of 2009, I had no desire to celebrate. I couldn't find a reason to spend the whole month celebrating.

    So, I put my desire to celebrate aside. In my words, it wasn't worth celebrating. However, my beautiful friends decided otherwise.

    Here's how I spent my 29th birthday. Technically it started with dinner on Sunday night with a friend. I was taken to a great Italian restaurant here in Denver and enjoy the company of a good friend. Monday included breakfast at Snooze, only to be surprised that my friends Christie and Daniel were more than generous, all the way from Kansas City and took care of my meal, pedicures with Maria, margaritas at Wahoos, dinner at Maggianos with Sheralee and Maria and drinks at the Bull. Throughout the day, I got lots of loving messages from friends and family. For a day that I didn't want to celebrate, it ended up being a blessing. I felt loved, wanted, appreciated...and for the last few months, that hasn't been true.

    Thank you to everyone who participated. It wouldn't have been the same without you.

    Maybe 2009 is starting to look up...here's to hoping for the best 29th year possible.

    Saturday, March 07, 2009

    Having a voice

    One of the things I love most about our new administration is that our President is allowing the people to voice their opinion on the changes he wants to make. Whether you agree or not with the changes he wants to make, he does want to hear from you. Amazing...a President willing to listen to the people.

    I received the following email from a friend of mine regarding the new changes on health care, specifically on receiving complete and accurate reproductive health information and services.

    President Obama has begun the process of overturning the Bush administration rule that limits the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and services. The Bush rule is a huge threat to women's health, and this is our best chance to reverse it.

    In order to overturn the Bush administration rule, Obama has to allow 30 days for the public to comment on what he proposes to do. We need to show our support NOW to make sure his proposal to reverse the rule succeeds.

    I want to make sure that doctors and hospitals aren't allowed to use their personal biases as an excuse to withhold health care information and services from their patients. That's why I joined Planned Parenthood in speaking out in support of President Obama's plan to undo this dangerous rule.

    Will you add your voice? Here's the link with all the info you need:

    Like I said, you have the right to voice your opinion on what you want President Obama does on this. Speak up, use your voice. It's not every day in every country that you can say what you need and what you want from our President. I personally don't care what you want to say, just say it. Don't be lazy and not say anything and then bitch and moan after it's said and done.

    Having a voice is a privilege in this country. USE IT.

    Sunday, March 01, 2009


    Here are some things you might not know about the number 60:
    The 30th even number is 60.
    The 127th and 128th digits of pi is 60.
    Neodymium's atomic number is 60.
    A snowflake has six main arms that are 60 degrees apart.
    A honeycomb is a hexagon with outer angles of 60 degrees.
    Diamond wedding anniversary celebrates 60 years of marriage.

    60 days ago, I worked my last day at my job. Here we are, 60 days later, and I still do not have full time employment. The reality is, it's been over 2 months since I was at my job.

    I had to go back the other day, to finish up some paper work for my stock options. Walking in there was horrible. It affected my entire day. But I realized on Thursday, that is the last time I will ever have to walk in there. I once said I would almost consider going back and last week, there isn't enough money in the world to have me go back.

    Someone recently asked me how the job search was going. Here's the reality, it is what it is. There is nothing new to report. Jobs I want, I don't get, the one job I've been offered, I couldn't take for multiple reasons.

    I just don't know what else to do. A friend of mine has offered to review my resume and I signed up for a class through Denver's YNPN (Young Nonprofit Professional Network) for my resume to be reviewed by multiple Nonprofit professionals.

    I never expected 60 days to go by without me have a full-time job. I don't know if I can do another 60 days. And selfishly, I still want one as a birthday present and that's 15 days away. Many people I've spoken with has said that their 29th birthday was worse than their 30th. I have a strong suspicion mine will be similar.

    Tuesday, February 10, 2009

    Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. -- Harriet Van Horne

    I've had a friend ask me a question recently about my cooking. Not that I do it, but why all of the sudden with all the new recipes.

    I've tried some that work, some that need to be added to every one's repertoire, and some that I'm too afraid to try.

    Here's why I am doing it...I'm choosing not to eat out as much and since I am not, I need to find some items to make it feel like I am eating out. And really, I needed to move beyond the fajitas, killer meatloaf and baked ziti I have mastered.

    So, I am trying new things. Keeping my options open and reminding myself that this can be a learning experience, not only about what I am capable of doing within the kitchen, but that it can be applied to life.

    Perhaps there are other risks I need to be taking.

    Sunday, February 01, 2009


    You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

    For the last month, I have cried almost every day. And I'm not saying that for sympathy, I'm saying that as fact.

    I hate being unemployed. I hate it. I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. It forces you to deal with the lies you tell yourself, the reality that they actually might be true and the inability to find the truth in the midst.

    Not only do I fear what my reality is, I get stressed out about it on an almost hourly basis. I have 6 weeks until my birthday. And all I want is a job. And right now, I'd almost take any job. While Starbucks provides me with a much needed escape each week, it only provides me with a 12 hour escape.

    I know others have it tougher than me and to be honest, I can't always see that reality. Right now, I see my reality.

    So, readers (if there are any of you out there), what do you do when you are facing the fear, the stress, the inability to grasp that something bigger and better is out there? Because right now, I can use all the advice I can get.

    Monday, January 26, 2009

    It's just a ride.

    Note: Any desire to be home constantly has been diminished by unemployment.

    While, I am appreciative of sleeping in and moving at my own pace, the reality of unemployment often seems bleak and really not as much fun as I would have hoped for or imagined.

    I have lots of song I am listening to on repeat these days, to subside the constant flow of emotions I feel. By the way, these emotions range from anger, to bliss, to deep pain, to frustration, to overwhelmed. And yes, a majority of these are sad emotions. Welcome to my head.

    My current repeat song is "Just a Ride":

    Life, it's ever so strange
    It's so full of change
    Think that you've worked it out
    then BANG
    Right out of the blue
    Something happens to you
    To throw you off course
    and then you

    Yeah you breakdown
    Well don't you breakdown
    Listen to me

    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    no need to run, no need to hide
    It'll take you round and round
    Sometimes you're up
    sometimes you're down
    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    don't be scared
    don't hide your eyes
    It may feel so real inside
    but don't forget it's just a ride

    Truth, we don't wanna hear
    It's too much to take
    Don't like to feel out of control
    So we make our plans
    Ten times a day
    And when they don't go
    our way we

    Yeah we breakdown
    Well don't you breakdown
    Listen to me

    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    no need to run, no need to hide
    It'll take you round and round
    Sometimes you're up
    sometimes you're down
    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    don't be scared
    don't hide your eyes
    It may feel so real inside
    but don't forget it's just a ride

    Slowly, oh so very slowly
    accept that
    there's no getting off
    So live it, just gotta go with it
    coz this ride's, never gonna stop

    Don't you breakdown
    No need to breakdown
    No need at all

    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    no need to run, no need to hide
    It'll take you all around
    Sometimes you're up
    sometimes you're down
    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    don't be scared now
    dry your eyes
    It may feel so real inside
    but don't forget enjoy the ride.

    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    no need to run, no need to hide
    It'll take you all around
    Sometimes you're up
    sometimes you're down
    It's just a ride, it's just a ride
    don't be scared now
    dry your eyes
    It may feel so real inside
    but don't forget enjoy the ride.

    I'm ready to get off this ride...

    Tuesday, January 20, 2009

    Stop and cherish this moment

    On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. -- Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States of America

    What an amazing day...

    To choose hope over fear, love over hate, unity over discord.

    It is possible. It will not be easy or quick, but it is completely possible.

    It is a new day.