Wednesday, September 26, 2007


The God I believe in is not so fragile that you hurt Him by being angry at him, or so petty that He will hold it against you for being upset with Him.
- Harold S. (Rabbi) Kushner

dreams are funny

And I don't mean the type of where you want to be in 10 years. I mean the type you have when you sleep.

2 nights ago, every dream I had included my best friend. I took it as a sign to call her, which I did yesterday. It was great to catch up with her, I miss her like crazy.

While I was in Africa, I had crazy dreams almost every night. Some are unmentionable on the internet while others included the new fall line up. I took it as my malaria pills tripping me out.

However last night's dreams were beyond anything I've had in a while.

One series of them included someone I met in Africa that I miss terribly and if he was here or if I was there, I would give it a shot. He's beautiful, kind, sensitive and hilarious. I've often asked my friend Bri if it's okay to propose to him. So far, she's said no.

Another series included someone who tormented me in my past and did it again in my dreams last night. I haven't had a bad dream in ages and last night's dreams were horrifying. I'd wake up from them and try to get back to the dreams with my African boy and couldn't....which made last night very long.

The last one included me meeting someone (a hot, single someone) at Home Depot. Perhaps I should stop by there this weekend. Maybe that means something too...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

maybe my friends are right

I love "What Not to Wear" on TLC. And out of all the reality shows I watch, this is the only one that I would be on.

Some people compliment me on my fashion sense and in all honesty, everything I've learned is from "What Not to Wear". Thanks to Stacy and Clinton, I've learned how to look like a 27 year old at work, keeping my style and look classic and not like a 47 year old. I've learned that it's okay to wear my grey suit with my eggplant color shoes (PS-I got so many compliments on my new grey suit yesterday, it was great). I've learned what fits my body and what works with it as opposed to what will only make it worse.

But no matter what people say, I totally still want to be on this show. It might have something to do with $5,000 and a trip to New York, but I don't know. At least then I could by my dream shoes.

Until then, I'll just dream that Stacy and Clinton are my best friends who are willing to tell me when I look like crap in an outfit.

Friday, September 21, 2007

good bye to you

Today, I realized that I needed to stop reading someone’s blog. Not because of something mean or hurtful they have said it in, but it feels to me like reading someone’s life that I have no idea about.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll read this blog or this one. And even if I don’t know them, I don’t feel like we’ve ever had a relationship or that it ended one day because they chose one path and I chose another.

The fact of the matter is that at one point, I did have a friendship with this person. And the day it ended comes to mind every now and then. I remember it as if it was yesterday…when I was replaced by someone else in their life. And today, as I read through their blog, I realized I have no idea what is going on in their life, and frankly, I don’t if I want to know.

By reading their blog, I’m just continuing self-masochist ways. Causing pain to myself because I feel like I can continue to be a part of their life by reading what’s going on through a blog.
Not through coffee or a drink, but through their blog. Let’s be real, that’s no way to "know" someone….it’s not even intimate.

So until I feel like I can safely distant myself from their blog and not wonder why all of the sudden we are no longer friends, I need to go on a fast. Maybe that’s the only way I can heal from this friendship ending unexpectedly.

Friday, September 14, 2007

An Open Letter to Nickelback

Dear Nickelback,
For the past three days, I have woken up with your latest song "Rock Star" stuck in my head. And trust me, this isn't how I have wanted to wake up.

I've tried to deny the fact that I do find your song catchy and true on many levels, but it wasn't until I saw the music video that I realized how much I do appreciate you new song.

But to the radio stations in the rest of the country, please stop playing it every 15 seconds or else I'm going to hate it as much as I hate James Blunt's song "Your Beautiful", and I don't know if I hate anything as much as that song.

Hugs and Kisses,

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

6 years ago

On September 8, I watched my best friend walk down the aisle and marry the man she would spend the rest of her life with. It was one of the better days of my life because I saw the happiness in her eyes, in her smile, in the way that held his hand.

Little did I know 3 days later, the safe little world I knew would be destroyed.

On September 11, I woke up knowing something important had happened that day but couldn't remember what. I showered, got ready for class and turned on the TV while I ate breakfast. What I saw was the world I knew crumbling beneath fear. I walked down the streets in Manhattan (Kansas) towards class, wondering why they were still happening.

I sat in the Union afterward, watching the huge TV as everything came into view. 2 building crumbled, a hole ripped into another building, and a plane disintegrated into the earth in Pennsylvania. And I for some reason felt the need to call my best friend because even though she and her husband were in Hawaii, I wanted to know that they were okay.

And now 6 years later, I don't feel any safer in the world. This summer, I saw what corruption can do to a government. I saw poverty unlike anything I have ever imagined, crimes that were unthinkable, and yet I felt safe.

And then I came back to the states.

And all I've wanted since I've been back is Kenya. Why, when I have the safeness of the states, do I want to go back to a place that is anything but safe?

Is September 11 becoming a distant memory for me, or is it a reality that I don't know what to do with? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers. I don't think war was/is a solution to feeling safe, I don't think that pulling troops or adding more is the answer either. Nor is a new Democratic president a solution. In reality, it's going to take a lot for the world to feel like it did on that fall day 6 years ago. And perhaps, the reality is that it may never feel that way again...and maybe I'm going to have to live with that.

Friday, September 07, 2007

A little over a year ago

I wrote about how I was freaking out because I was asked to help with the marketing department while the marketing director was on maternity leave.

At the time, I had no idea what I was doing nor did I feel qualified to help. I have no background in marketing, and why I was chosen, I still have no idea.

Today I found out that she is having baby number 2 this afternoon. And while I am not freaking out as I did a year ago, I still feel like I am in for a doozy of a time. Doing it all by myself...again.

At least this time I feel prepared for it.