So, it's the end of the year

I was driving a friend home last night, and I asked her what she was doing for NYE. She mentioned that she was probably going to the mountains and doing a ritual she created last year. She was going to reflect on the year past, and be intentional about what she wanted, what she needed for the upcoming year. While I was already planning on creating a vision board for 2011, being intentional about what I want hadn't really entered my mind.

It's not a lie to think that 2010 was better than 2009. I mean, really, anything was better than 2009. But I know that 2011 is going to be better. I feel it. I know that it will be a big year. That doesn't mean it won't have its heartbreaks, its own frustrations, its own losses. I am aware of that because 2010 had them. I mean, I have 2 friends acquaintances who owe me money from therapy. They hurt me and they hurt me bad, but let's be honest, that's not the point of this post.

So, I'm working on categories to work through, to be intentional about. Finances, Family, Friends, Health, Relationships, Work, Home. Is there something else I am forgetting? I'll try to post about how this goes.

The grateful project

I've been struggling recently, mostly with my own envy issues. Envy is my deadly sin, if I had to give myself one. I know, deeply, that this has something to do with my entitlement issues. My friends, family members, even strangers all have something that I want and that I feel like I should have.

It's often hard for me to look at my own life and see the beauty that is there. It's hard to see that there are aspects of my life that I should be grateful for, that other people are envious of. So, my friend today challenged me. I had challenged her a few months back to take a few moments, every day, to come up with 5 things she was grateful for. In turn, she has asked me to do the same thing. The easiest place for me to do this is on my blog. Some place, where I can eventually look back and see, here are the things I should be grateful for. So, here goes nothing...

June 22, 2010 -- Today, I am grateful for:

1. A company that allows me to bring my dog to work
2. Beautiful, honest girlfriends who have loved me, some for years, some for only short months, but who I know I cannot be without
3. My eye mask that I sleep with at night
4. Dr. Pepper
5. My really comfy couch

I can't believe I'm confessing to this

On Sunday afternoon, I sat at lunch with 7 girlfriends. One mentioned she had tried out a church in her neighborhood for when her mom came into town for Mother's Day.

Immediately, the pangs in my soul struck. It's no lie that I don't go to church any more. The last time I was in a church was for a friend's wedding in September. And technically, that doesn't count. So, the last time I actually went to a service was when my best friend was in town over a year ago. It's just not a part of my life. And after my experience, I don't know when I'll feel comfortable going again. The thought alone just doesn't excite me.

She mentioned how caring this place seemed, how warm and welcoming it was. She spoke about how she felt comfortable she was and how she was excited to go back.

Warmth. Loving. Community-centered. These are things I had hoped to find in a church. These are things I've always loved about the Church. And for a split second, I almost missed the Church. I missed the body I knew to be in Axis and Summit. I missed the hope I had in Radius and what I saw in Jacob's Well. I thought about my small group back at Willow and the love, support, strength I received from it and my soul missed that aspect of the Church.

My faith has changed so much in the last 5 years. I think the pastor I was when I started at Willow and who I am today wouldn't recognize each other. I have grace for where I am and am okay with what I stand for. And for a split second, I realized I missed what I knew the Church could be. However, it was like a breath. I missed it and then it was done. Because I know community can be outside of the church. And what I have right now, the community I have, I wouldn't trade for the world.

60 days and counting...

It's not shocking that I'm struggling with my impending birthday (now only 60 days away). I think it really comes down to expectations. My expectation on where I would be when I turned 30 are drastically different than where I am today.

My friends J and K always remind me that my life is really good, that I've accomplished so much before my 30th. Why wouldn't I sit in that and realize they are correct? I own my home, I have a job, a master's degree, fantastic friends, a dog. I've traveled to Kenya, I've found my spirit, I've embraced my personhood (to some degree). I know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what pisses me off...seriously, most people never find this out. So why am I not grateful?

Again, it's expectations. I expected that I would be married, with children in the home that I own. I expected to be using my master's degree and now it's a distant memory of who I use to be. I expected to be in a career, not a job. I expected to be settled. And not in the sense that this is the best it's ever going to get, but assured.

What I know to be true is that while things appear to be going well, deep down, I know they are not. I know that the man I want to be with does not want me in that capacity. I know that my fear of ending up like Bridget Jones where I have died alone in my house and I'm being eaten by dogs is very true. I know that I fear losing my job again and being forced to sell my home. That I may never get a master's degree in something I believe in. That I may never join the Peace Corps.

Truthfully, I'm living a life of fear. And it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting therapy again in February in hopes that I can resolve myself and can embrace the beautiful life I do have...until then, I question how I got here and if I can change it in 60 days.

Good bye 2009, Hello 2010

There comes a point in your life when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink, and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious… a grown up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy


I don't think I need to recap how 2009 was. If you need a reflection, see either this entry or this entry or this entry. I've never been so ready for a year to end. And yes, I know I will be stronger because of this year (when God shuts a door, he opens a window...so there is something to jump out of). I'm just going to embrace 2010 and see where it takes me...

Seeing how we have 73 days left till my 30th, I'm trying to make 2010 a year that reflects accomplishments. I'm attempting to live within my means, take myself seriously, and know that I will welcome 30 with an open hug as opposed to a swift kick in the ass.

So, I wrote out 15 things I want to accomplish this year. They might seem small, but to me they are big things.

I do need to figure out the last three. I'm taking suggestions, please help!

15 things to accomplish in my 30th year.
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo.
12.
13.
14.
15. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be

what does settling mean to you?

I am a big (make that HUGE) proponent of not settling. I don't think anyone should ever settle...in relationships, in work, in life.

Most of my friends have heard me say, especially in the last year, I will not settle. I settled when I took the job here in Denver, mostly because I needed the money. I craved the stability.

Here I am 9 months after the fact, and I am realizing more and more how I need that stability. So what do you do? When you realize you might have to settle again? Is it truly settling or it realizing the need and knowing you have to do what's best for you in the situation you are currently in?

I still think you shouldn't settle, especially in relationships (which I too am often guilty of) but perhaps with work, I just don't know if I can continue with the life I have and the life I want.

things needed...a pause button

There are 210 days left until it happens. It...the dreaded 30th birthday.

Here's the thing: I wish that I could pause my life like I do often on my tivo. I am so nervous about my 30th. Where I thought I would be and were I am are on such different planes, I often think they are traveling to Tokyo and Nairobi at the same time.

And I don't want to have a pity party, but it's true. Turning 30 might be in the 10 list of my greatest fears, only behind abandonment and loose teeth. I remember distinctly what I said my freshman year of college as to where I would be at 25. And obviously, that didn't happen. Yes, I did survive the "failure" of dreams then, so perhaps this is survivable too.

But what do you do? When you are facing a milestone, in a year that could easily be one of the worst? What do you do when you are laying on the floor of your living room, questioning what was and what is and what will be? Do you simply rely on the present, remembering that your feet are firmly on the floor or pine away for the future?

And while the 210 days slowly tick away, I begin to think of all that is yet to be accomplished and how to delight in what I have done, where I am, and who I am. But, and if I am honest with you dear Internet, the joy is short in comparison with the long list of things I should have accomplished by now.

That's why I wish my life came with a pause button. I want to stop now, accomplish what I want and continue on before 30. I want to rewind and relive the highs and fast forward the lows. I want to cherish the laughter, the tears, the growth with a slow motion button and at the end of it all, I want to save it so I can watch it again later.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work like tivo. And until I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it to, I'll look toward the 30th birthday with a bit of fear and a sense of what if.

be ok...

Perhaps one of the most frustrating thing about being unemployed are the reactions I get from others. For those who know someone or themselves have been unemployed, the response is "I'm so sorry. How are you doing?". Yet, for those who have no idea what it is like, here are the response I have received:

Are you loving it?
That's fantastic. What are you doing these days?
Good for you!

WHAT?!?! Good for you?!?!

Um, let's review the facts of the last 5 months: These have not been easy times. They have not been fun. Sure there are moments that are beautiful, that remind me that waiting for the job that is best for me is okay. Most days though, the fear that something may never come is overwhelming.

It's been suggested recently that I look into pharmaceutical sales in the mean time. When I've mentioned it to two people (who don't know each other), they've both said the same thing: That's selling your soul to the devil. I'm not going to lie, the possibility of making $60,000 a year is tempting. But is it worth it?

I recently asked my friends for support. A few people asked what they can do. What I realized I needed came last night as I took my friend Maria home. She spoke some words of truth into my life. That she respected my decision to wait, that it is honorable and no matter what I do, she's there for me. What I need right now is for people to speak the truth into my life. I desperately need is for people to remind me that I am doing more than enough and if I want to wait, it's going to be okay.

And that's what I want. To be okay. I want to know that things are going to be okay, no matter what happens, no matter how long I wait. I think that's part of the reason Ingrid Michaelson's song "Be Ok" is my current repeat song:

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Hopefully someday soon I realize that I will know I will be okay...

my little experiment

Half way through Monday, I realized I was suppose to be meditating on the encouraging words that Sheralee had given to me. Ironically, the word was encouraging.

Here's what I realized: I need to become more encouraging to myself. I think Sheralee is right, I am encouraging to my friends. I fully believe I have the best group of friends. I have surrounded myself (here and around the world) with people who are fully loving, who are capable of changing the world, who have strong convictions and aren't willing to back down on what they believe in. However, most of the time, I don't believe that about myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn abusive towards myself. My friend Sara reminded me of that on Monday night when we had birthday desserts.

So, here's to hoping that I will give myself a little grace and a lot of love and start building myself up. Here's to encouragement.

enjoy the ride...

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride... -Solbeam

On my birthday, my friend Sheralee handed me a small, handmade card. She selected 12 words, 12 words of truth she sees in me. And she's right, I don't believe in these 12 words are the truth about me, especially these days. But I'm trying to. I've made the active choice to spend the next 12 days meditating over these truths. My hope is simple, hopefully by the end of the 12 days I will know they are very true.

encouraging...smart...sexy...vibrant...generous...faithful...fun-loving...strong...beautiful...spontaneous...brave...hilarious...

It's just a ride.

Note: Any desire to be home constantly has been diminished by unemployment.

While, I am appreciative of sleeping in and moving at my own pace, the reality of unemployment often seems bleak and really not as much fun as I would have hoped for or imagined.

I have lots of song I am listening to on repeat these days, to subside the constant flow of emotions I feel. By the way, these emotions range from anger, to bliss, to deep pain, to frustration, to overwhelmed. And yes, a majority of these are sad emotions. Welcome to my head.

My current repeat song is "Just a Ride":

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride.

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride.

I'm ready to get off this ride...

At least I'm not pregnant

Over the last three years, there have only been a handful of things that are consistent. The Worleys, Great American Beer Festival and my job. I had started with my job as a temp. I was the executive assistant to one of our Chairman for our Cherry Creek office. This was something unlike I had never experienced before. I complained about the needing to change outfits in the middle of the day because I wasn't wearing the proper attire. I had the chance to go to a beautiful hotel and relax completely. I found areas that I am very confident in and areas that should be left alone.

And while I have been wanting to move on for a while, here's the reality of my life. As of today, December 31, I am without a job. My position was dissolved and I will be working at Starbucks until I find something permanent. There are things I will miss about my job, and mostly it's the people. I have some good friendships at my office. We have a routine there. I will miss those people. I will miss my discussions about The Hills, ANTM, and The Office. I will miss the events that I planned, the areas of strengths I developed and the chances I was given. But at the same, it's time for me to move on. My passion doesn't lay in the financial services area, it's not the best area for me and what I believe to be true about me. And at the end of the day, what I do from 8-5 Monday through Friday, doesn't get me out of bed in the morning. In fact, it makes me want to stay in bed.

But as the news is slowly getting out, the overwhelming question is "what are you going to do next?". I wish I had a more eloquent answer than "I just don't know yet". I have over 50 resumes out in the Denver area. I have applied for things that I don't qualify for to things that I am over-qualified for. I have applied to jobs just to apply and have had two jobs that I really wanted deny me. But unfortunately, I have no idea what is going to happen next. And while I appreciate everyone asking me and their concern, it's a similar question to "why are you still single?". I have no idea how to answer either, so my new standard answer is "well, at least I'm not pregnant.".

I have no idea what the future holds. Actually, that's a lie, I do. I know it involves cleaning the hell out of my place, searching and applying for jobs that I want, spending time with Rowds, breathing deeply, enjoying some much needed space. Sure this might mean that I might have to stay at Starbucks part time a little bit longer and sure this might mean facing some deeper issues about being alone and sacrificing a constant going out, but hey...

At least I'm not pregnant...

next steps

I've been thinking more and more recently about what I should be doing.

Should be. It's a dangerous grouping of words. I should be cleaning my house, walking my dog, studying for the GRE, working more at Starbucks, creating more intentional time with friends, meditating, caring for my soul...the list could go on. But those two tragic words together induce such shame. I really should be doing what I think is best for me.

I'm tossing around the idea of going back to grad school. However, this is where the pull is. I already have a master degree. Why do I need another one? If I go back to school, shouldn't I be going after a PhD? Not that my first isn't important, but outside of the church, most companies have no idea what the hell to do what a Master of Arts in Transformational Leadership, hence the fact I leave the Transformational part out on my resume. And really, do I need another master degree to do what I want?

But that leads to the ultimate question...what do I really want to be doing? I know the things I believe about myself, that I was put on this planet to create change in it. That the systems we have in place aren't helping people and I want to help people. So does that mean I need a different degree? Do I need a Social Work or Public Policy degree?

(And if someone could tell me what a degree in Public Policy really does, I'd appreciate it.)

But in the same breath, the ultimate question brings up some great fears. Do I really want to pay $90,000 for a degree in Social Work when making that will never happen? Why do I have to take the GRE because I suck at standardize tests and already have a degree, shouldn't that be enough? How would I make ends meet?

Maybe this is all a ramble, but at the end of the day, I need some direction. But I know, I definitely need to start looking at some next steps for my future.

I wish I had found these lyrics a couple of weeks ago

you can’t play me like that, it’s a matter of fact
your nothing more than a typical whore,
and i won’t be your fool anymore.
maybe someday you’ll get it, perhaps you’ll regret it
or maybe you’ll find someone else who accepts it.
i won’t be the one
-- Tickle Me Pink "Typical"

These are the words I wish I would have said to the person who gave me the biggest load a couple of weeks ago, because sadly, they are true of him.

Truth vs. Reality

"I want to be a better wife, a more conscious and present mother, a more loyal friend, and a better listener. I'd like to handle my anxiety better. I also want to be more organized because I'm tired and fed up with not being able to find anything. Many times that anything is my head. And starting yesterday I feel like I'm on my way to making every day Florida.
Here goes."

-- Heather Armstrong

I feel like I could swap out some these words and it could voice the struggle I am feeling in my soul right now...here's my version...

I want to be a confident woman, a more conscious and present being, a more loyal and better friend, and a better listener. I'd like to handle my anxiety better. I also want to be more organized because I'm tired and fed up with not being able to find anything. Many times that anything is my head... Here goes.

twofer

As I was riding the bus to meet my friend BAC for dinner, I received a phone call from someone. I've know this person for 1 year and our friendship/relationship is one wave after another.

What proceeded over the next 15 minutes was the worst lying I have ever heard. My mom always told me that you can never shit a shitter and with my intuition, I knew exactly what was happening. And in the midst of the conversation, I was able to say finally that I am done. Which if you've talked to me about this person over the last few weeks, you know I've been ready to say "no more".

But after processing with Christen and BAC, what I've come to decide is that the excuse I got was by far the lamest excuse EVER. And what's sad, this isn't a first time I've gotten the worst explanation from this person. Perhaps that's why it's so easy to say "no more" to this person.

It's nice to be done.

Hi, you might remember me...

I use to author this crazy blog.

And it's weird to think 2 months have gone by without a post. It's not like nothing has happened. I had birthday, I went to Vegas, I had good friends in town, I had my parents in town, we kicked off spring with a wonderful bbq at my place, I was on federal jury duty, I picked up a part-time job, I've had people come back into my life, and I've had people take steps out.

Winter has finally ended and spring is arriving in Denver. The change of seasons always makes me think. What needs to be put to rest, what should come to life, what eventually should bring new life? And as much as I could force an eloquent post about what is changing in my life, the reality is that I have nothing to say. I don't want to force a post (much like a forced email I read recently) because I must post something.

Here's the deal...overall, I'm happy. I'm content...the people who have left have made me grieve and realize that sometimes, things end. The door is still open and will always be open, but movement is required. I've resolved the fact that my weekends for the next year are taken. I'm excited about the possibility of new friends at my part-time job. I'm really grateful for my friendships, new and old, that are willing to love me, in spite of my stubbornness and my hectic schedule. I have a hilarious dog that keeps me company (even when he breaks the screen door).

For the first time in a long time, I feel centered. And I don't feel selfish for saying that.

So, while I could tell you about the 7 mimosas I drank in Vegas or the fact that kissed Beth or that jury duty was a needed break and that I think I've made a decision about grad school, until the real words come, I'm okay with the silence.

100 things to do before my time is up

Fifty-one through Seventy-five:

51. Be at peace with those who have hurt me
52. Understand my spirituality
53. Know how to start a fire
54. Practice Yoga on a daily basis
55. Learn how to rock climb
56. Learn how to give up and give into love
57. Ask for the raise I deserve
58. Ask my parents the stories of their lives
59. Drive a Vespa through Paris
60. See Saturday Night Live in person
61. Complete the Sunday New York Times Crossword puzzle...in pen
62. Perform with the Coyote Ugly girls
63. Create my will
64. Plan for my retirement
65. Live in the same town as my best friend
66. Begin annual trips with my best friend
67. Complete a half-marathon
68. Meet Heather Armstrong (aka: Dooce) and become friends with her
69. Get back stage to a major concert
70. Hike all the 13'ners in Colorado
71. Score under par on Disc Golf
72. Be able to identify the difference between Mozart, Chopin, and Beethoven
73. Buy season tickets to the Opera
74. Audition for local theater
75. Revisit all the childhood homes I had

100 things to do before my time is up

Twenty-six through fifty:

26. Go to the Golden Globes
27. Adopt a child from Kenya
28. Dance in the rain
29. Stand on the pyramids
30. Run with the bulls
31. Learn how to surf
32. Live without TV for a month
33. Live without Internet for 3 months
34. Discover the next big band
35. Write an article for "The Onion"
36. Contribute to a charity that I believe will change the world
37. Meet Zach Braff
38. Live in Hawaii
39. See a Broadway premier
40. Spend NYE in New York City
41. Attend a black tie affair
42. Own a house that requires a front porch swing
43. Fly first class to an exotic location
44. Find a job that makes me happy
45. Learn how to drive a manual transmission
46. Cliff dive
47. Have lunch with Bono
48. Learn American Sign Language
49. Contribute an article to "Real Simple"
50. Have Stacy and Clinton be honest with me about my wardrobe

100 things to do before my time is up

My friend Jeni recently began her list of things to do before she goes and of course, I began to think about my list...I'd love to hear some of yours.

One through twenty-five:

1. Live without my meds
2. Get married
3. Raise compassionate, self-aware children
4. Set foot in all 7 continents
5. Become a published author (on what, I have no idea)
6. Purchase a pair Manolo Blahnik
7. Become a paid photographer
8. Sky dive over the Sahara
9. Climb Kilimanjaro
10. Learn how to do the following well:
1. Ride a horse
2. Use a knife properly
3. Sail
11. Learn to speak Spanish fluently
12. Learn to speak Kiswahili well
13. Learn to speak enough Italian to live there for a year
14. Make love on the beach
15. Learn how to take a compliment
16. Become a doula
17. Take the train from coast to coast
18. Start a non-profit
19. Join the Peace Corps
20. Visit the Holy Land
21. Figure out my family tree
22. Invest in crazy invention
23. Spend extensive time in the following places
1. London
2. Paris
3. Madrid
4. Nairobi
5. Hong Kong
6. Tibet
24. Spend the whole day naked and be comfortable in my own skin
25. Drink beer at the Oktoberfest in Germany