Fearful

I am almost always stressed out. Life, in general stresses me out. In recent years, this has been attributed to my job. In 2009, in case your memory has failed you, I lost my well-paying, high-stressed job. In reflection, it was a blessing; in the moment, it was stirring up every possible fear about myself. And that entire year, I considered myself a failure.

I did get a job towards the end of the year. I took the job because it was something I was interested in, but not something I was passionate about. Some days, I know I took this job to take a job. Being unemployed for 11 months will do that to you.

However, due to some recent events, I am now fearful again of losing my job. I'm hoping by saying out loud that I don't want to lose my job will, somehow, make it true. I am good at my job. I've been very successful at my job. However, doing my line of work, in the industry I am in, is one where people see it as an extra, not a necessity. Mentally, emotionally, financially, I can't afford to lose my job.

So, universe, I'm putting it out there...either help me with this one or find me a new one...I can't keep living in fear.

An update to my goals

Let's review what my goals were:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday.
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month grade
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo
12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be

Goals I have completed:
Number 3 (I leave for California next week)
Number 4 (I'm a reading machine!)
Number 5 (Knitting is so fun!)
Number 6 (Trust me, if you aren't doing this already, START! It's a life saver)
Number 7 (Tennis lessons start June 7)
Number 9 (We are staying overnight in Los Angeles after the Flight of the Conchords concert)

50%! Can you believe it?! I don't think I've ever been this motivated to accomplish my goals. I've already added another one to the list (you'll learn about it soon, I promise). Here's the crazy thing: I fully believe that I will accomplish this entire list before the year is over. I believe that everything is completely doable. And I've already started working on my list for 31. And the first thing on it is a doozy.

I feel very proud of myself and I can't wait to see how the rest of them go.

Less than 2 weeks away

By this point in 2 weeks, I will have turned 30. I will have celebrated with my girlfriends in Denver over dinner and will be getting ready for 3 friends to come in to celebrate with me that weekend. I'm really looking forward to that part; the whole actually admitting that I'm 30, well, that's a different story.

I had started out the year with 12 goals. With the year being 3 months in and my birthday being less than 2 weeks away, here's my grades currently:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday current grade: D- I have taken some strides but not enough. Plans are being set for this to change here shortly.


2. Live within a budget for 12 months grade: C. I did decent the first month and a half. However, I need to get back on track. I am doing much better than I was, that's for damn sure.

3. Go on a vacation grade: C. I haven't planned anything, nor have I made any plans. Hopefully that will change soon.

4. Read at least 1 book a month grade: A+ What I have read: The Lost Symbol and The Help. What I am currently reading: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match

5. Take a class on a new skill grade: B- I've signed up for a knitting class starting in April :)

6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded grade: A+++ seriously, I realize now that this is a blessing and so much better for my spirit. Also, having a roommate has help.

7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis) grade: F I haven't made any decisions on this.

8. Turn off the tv for a month grade: B I have decided that June is my month and we'll see how it goes.

9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together) grade: F She and I haven't even spoken about it.

10. Climb a 14'ner next summer grade: B- I have spoken to my friend J about it and she's willing to help, so that's a step in the right direction

11. Finally get my tattoo. grade: D- I still have no idea what I would get, where I could get it (I'm not getting a tramp stamp) and when I would get it.

12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be grade: C- I'm getting better with this, however, I still have moments (almost daily) where I struggle with my expectation management. But, like I said, it's getting better....

Less than 2 weeks...here goes nothing...

289 days. 15 Hours. 46 minutes.

On December 31, I lost my job.

I lost what I considered to be my sense of who I was. I wasn't happy. I hadn't been happy at the job since I came back from Kenya. Something clicked there and I started realizing that not only was I unhappy, but my boss thought I was complete idiot and had no idea what I was doing.

So, I packed up my items and I left. I began what I thought would be a short jaunt. I thought to myself, this will be quick, I will get a job shortly. And then one month passed. I applied for job after job after job. (As a side note, I think I've applied for almost 300 jobs.)

I had a handful of interviews, some I really wanted, some weren't for me. I eventually came to the point where I was willing to settle. I would settle for anything. If it would pay me a decent amount, I would do it.

Last week, that changed. I applied for a position knowing it's something I can be good at, something that I want to do. I took a shot and applied, not knowing what would come of it. I had 2 really good interviews. My references gave me some of the best compliments in the world.

Today, I accepted a position as a Catering Sales Manager for a company here in Denver. I can't wait to start and the opportunity that is before me. I almost feel like I can't be inside my own skin because I am so excited.

And yet, I know one thing is for sure. These last 289 days were complete hell. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. For every person who is in this position, I am sorry. I can't offer you the words you want to hear, but I do get it...and very few of us do.

There are a few people who have made these last 10 months possible. My parents, my dog, my friends who have gone above and beyond any expectation I would have imagined. Every phone call, every outing, every encouragement have made these days bearable. My parents have supported me in ways I couldn't believe. My friends have forced me out of my house, out of my depression, out of my clouds. Thank you to each one of you for all of your support over the last 289 days. I will forever be grateful.

Who knows what the future holds, but I've been waiting for this day for over 10 months. I am excited for the next adventure...here goes nothing.

things needed...a pause button

There are 210 days left until it happens. It...the dreaded 30th birthday.

Here's the thing: I wish that I could pause my life like I do often on my tivo. I am so nervous about my 30th. Where I thought I would be and were I am are on such different planes, I often think they are traveling to Tokyo and Nairobi at the same time.

And I don't want to have a pity party, but it's true. Turning 30 might be in the 10 list of my greatest fears, only behind abandonment and loose teeth. I remember distinctly what I said my freshman year of college as to where I would be at 25. And obviously, that didn't happen. Yes, I did survive the "failure" of dreams then, so perhaps this is survivable too.

But what do you do? When you are facing a milestone, in a year that could easily be one of the worst? What do you do when you are laying on the floor of your living room, questioning what was and what is and what will be? Do you simply rely on the present, remembering that your feet are firmly on the floor or pine away for the future?

And while the 210 days slowly tick away, I begin to think of all that is yet to be accomplished and how to delight in what I have done, where I am, and who I am. But, and if I am honest with you dear Internet, the joy is short in comparison with the long list of things I should have accomplished by now.

That's why I wish my life came with a pause button. I want to stop now, accomplish what I want and continue on before 30. I want to rewind and relive the highs and fast forward the lows. I want to cherish the laughter, the tears, the growth with a slow motion button and at the end of it all, I want to save it so I can watch it again later.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work like tivo. And until I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it to, I'll look toward the 30th birthday with a bit of fear and a sense of what if.

my little experiment

Half way through Monday, I realized I was suppose to be meditating on the encouraging words that Sheralee had given to me. Ironically, the word was encouraging.

Here's what I realized: I need to become more encouraging to myself. I think Sheralee is right, I am encouraging to my friends. I fully believe I have the best group of friends. I have surrounded myself (here and around the world) with people who are fully loving, who are capable of changing the world, who have strong convictions and aren't willing to back down on what they believe in. However, most of the time, I don't believe that about myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn abusive towards myself. My friend Sara reminded me of that on Monday night when we had birthday desserts.

So, here's to hoping that I will give myself a little grace and a lot of love and start building myself up. Here's to encouragement.

60

Here are some things you might not know about the number 60:
The 30th even number is 60.
The 127th and 128th digits of pi is 60.
Neodymium's atomic number is 60.
A snowflake has six main arms that are 60 degrees apart.
A honeycomb is a hexagon with outer angles of 60 degrees.
Diamond wedding anniversary celebrates 60 years of marriage.

60 days ago, I worked my last day at my job. Here we are, 60 days later, and I still do not have full time employment. The reality is, it's been over 2 months since I was at my job.

I had to go back the other day, to finish up some paper work for my stock options. Walking in there was horrible. It affected my entire day. But I realized on Thursday, that is the last time I will ever have to walk in there. I once said I would almost consider going back and last week, there isn't enough money in the world to have me go back.

Someone recently asked me how the job search was going. Here's the reality, it is what it is. There is nothing new to report. Jobs I want, I don't get, the one job I've been offered, I couldn't take for multiple reasons.

I just don't know what else to do. A friend of mine has offered to review my resume and I signed up for a class through Denver's YNPN (Young Nonprofit Professional Network) for my resume to be reviewed by multiple Nonprofit professionals.

I never expected 60 days to go by without me have a full-time job. I don't know if I can do another 60 days. And selfishly, I still want one as a birthday present and that's 15 days away. Many people I've spoken with has said that their 29th birthday was worse than their 30th. I have a strong suspicion mine will be similar.

Hi, you might remember me...

I use to author this crazy blog.

And it's weird to think 2 months have gone by without a post. It's not like nothing has happened. I had birthday, I went to Vegas, I had good friends in town, I had my parents in town, we kicked off spring with a wonderful bbq at my place, I was on federal jury duty, I picked up a part-time job, I've had people come back into my life, and I've had people take steps out.

Winter has finally ended and spring is arriving in Denver. The change of seasons always makes me think. What needs to be put to rest, what should come to life, what eventually should bring new life? And as much as I could force an eloquent post about what is changing in my life, the reality is that I have nothing to say. I don't want to force a post (much like a forced email I read recently) because I must post something.

Here's the deal...overall, I'm happy. I'm content...the people who have left have made me grieve and realize that sometimes, things end. The door is still open and will always be open, but movement is required. I've resolved the fact that my weekends for the next year are taken. I'm excited about the possibility of new friends at my part-time job. I'm really grateful for my friendships, new and old, that are willing to love me, in spite of my stubbornness and my hectic schedule. I have a hilarious dog that keeps me company (even when he breaks the screen door).

For the first time in a long time, I feel centered. And I don't feel selfish for saying that.

So, while I could tell you about the 7 mimosas I drank in Vegas or the fact that kissed Beth or that jury duty was a needed break and that I think I've made a decision about grad school, until the real words come, I'm okay with the silence.

An update from Kenya

Josie Mai, the Executive Director of Soulfari, recently sent out this email to update us all on what's happening in Kenya. I wanted to share it with all of you that keep Kenya on your mind:

Do you remember having growing pains as a kid? I remember lying in my bed at night, legs aching so badly I couldn't sleep. The pain never lasted long,but it reminded me that my body was becoming an adult,full, it's whole self.

This is the only way I can view the current violence and aching in Kenya. Relatively, they are still a new country, only recently playing by their own rules, not the colonist's. The rules are set, a few people are not playing by them, and the masses suffer. I won't goon about the details. As of this morning, a secondarily of protest has been stifled by the police and Kibaki is softening toward a recount. Transparency of this recount is the only thing that will ease Kenyans back to their daily lives. The media source I am following is BBC radio and internet. They are actually interviewing Kenyans, not just showing the"slum-dwellers" running amok as Kenya is "convulsed".

I talked for a long time with Julius on the phone last night. He, like the rest of us, is helpless to do anything tangible for our friends and family in Kenya.He spoke with passion about the situation, and I listened and asked my questions like a good sister,like a good executive director. Emmanuel and the kids are OK. They are in Dandora, a predominantly Kikuyu(Kibaki) slum and they are essentially Luo(opposition). Shops are closed, there is no transport,they are staying indoors. Florence is a sister living upcountry, closer to Uganda. There is even police presence there, in the country. She lives in a predominantly Luo area and reports Kikuyu's fleeing into Uganda. Other friends and family members are OK.I am not concerned about the Missionaries of Charity.They have built a fortress of a compound and can lock the 15 foot gate anytime. I am more concerned aboutVilla Teag in Dandora. The kids are safe inside, but I don't know about Zaria and the workers who usually come and go and do not actually live there.

As an organization, Soulfari Kenya will move through this with our Kenyan friends. We are in this for the long haul. None of our work is in vain. Meaningful relationships are never in vain. The trip for July 2008 is still on. We will make a final decision in April when it is time to purchase airfare. One week of political turmoil does not change the personal friendships we have forged with Nelson, Kym, Kwame,Gloria, the kids of Huruma, Emmanuel, Franci, Mary,and Kevin, Helen, Pamela, Salim etc etc.

In this present moment, money won't help. Shops are closed. But there will be some rebuilding to do. We want to be able to help in this process. If you are interested in donating specifically to rebuild the livelihood of our Kenyan partners, let us know. Or donate right now through paypal at our blog:www.soulfarikenya.blogspot.com

Meanwhile, you can also purchase a beautiful calendar created for Soulfari, filled with the faces and service that define us. Hang one where you will see it every day, to be reminded of the growing pains of our Kenyan friends, that it will pass, that there is health, hope, and happiness around the corner. You can order it here:http://www.lulu.com/content/1248988

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and concerns.Continue to be informed, and hopeful.

Josie Mai
Executive Director and Founder
Soulfari Kenya Inc