According to Bell Biv Devoe, I should not be trusted

Recently, Marie Claire gave the okay to publish a blog entitled "Should fatties get a room?". The author mentioned that watching 2 overweight people kiss gives her the shivers and that they should not find love or for that matter, make love.

I won't lie and most of my readers know this about me anyways. I have struggled with my weight since I was in middle school. I have never been skinny. And living in a part of Kansas City where perfection was expected was hard. I lived in a real Beverly Hills, 90120. My clothing has always been in the double digits. My lowest weight wasn't due to healthy eating and exercise. It was due to being on fen-phen. I eat when I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am upset. I know that I am an emotional eater. I also know that I love a good cheeseburger.

It was last year, when in the midst of losing my job and gaining about 15 pounds that I finally started to give myself grace. I liked myself. I have curves, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very good. And it took one comment from someone I love to take that all away. All the forward progression I had made was now in one giant leap backwards because I wasn't thin enough for their expectations.

People like the author of the Marie Claire article think that they can get away with bullying. That these are just sentences in a blog that no one will really pay attention to. Unfortunately for Ms. Kelly, she is now in heated waters over bullying a majority of the population. She's probably right in her "apology" that she wrote this piece out of a place of hatred that she towards her own body. However, while a society continues to deem that you be "perfect" and "skinny", her article only continues to fuel the fire of poor self-image amongst our population.

Take it from me. I know what it's like to have a poor self-image. I'm working on it. One day I'll actually like myself. Until then, I focus on the few things I do like about myself. It's a long, hard road, and eventually, I'll get there.

It has been 10 years and it has been 5 years

My grandparents were married in April of 1942. My grandfather, a retired Brig. General in the Louisiana National Guard; my grandmother a strong woman and deeply cared about her family. My summers were spent with them in New Orleans, watching Days of Our Lives. Our holidays were spent in New Orleans, around the Christmas tree. With 3 sons and 9 grandchildren, the house was always filled with laughter.

In June 0f 2000, I was preparing to leave for a stint with a summer camp in North Carolina. I was driving down 95th Street in Overland Park, Kansas when I got the phone call. My grandfather had passed away. I sobbed at a stop light. In a flash, we had to get packed and fly to New Orleans. I flew down, not knowing if I would still be going to North Carolina, but packed for it anyways. One night, before the funeral, my dad came into where I was staying and said that I needed to go to camp. That my Papa would want me to go. I never heard the 21 gun salute at my grandfather's funeral, but I still remember the wake.

In August 2010, my grandmother's health was failing. She had suffered a stroke in January and she never fully recovered. I had just started a new temping job with a bank (the job I would eventually hold for 3 years) and received a phone call that within the next few days, my grandmother would probably pass away. On the 22nd of August, as I was walking around the mall, looking for something to wear to a funeral, I got the phone call. Again, I packed, getting ready to fly down and back for her funeral. Unlike my grandfather, the woman in the casket was not my Grammy. Her weight had dropped drastically and her hands were so tight.

It's been 1o years since I loss my Papa; it's been 5 years since I loss my Grammy. And in case you have been living under a rock for the last 5 years, it has also been 5 years since Hurricane Katrina. The constant reminder of what New Orleans has become is a ping in my soul of what happened 3 days before Katrina struck. I stood in the hot sun and watched as they put her casket in the tomb...sometimes, you never forget details like that.

Because this is the eve of my Grammy's death, my soul is hurting. I miss my grandparents. I miss my family, I miss what New Orleans held for me and what it will always mean to me. I miss...

The grateful project

I've been struggling recently, mostly with my own envy issues. Envy is my deadly sin, if I had to give myself one. I know, deeply, that this has something to do with my entitlement issues. My friends, family members, even strangers all have something that I want and that I feel like I should have.

It's often hard for me to look at my own life and see the beauty that is there. It's hard to see that there are aspects of my life that I should be grateful for, that other people are envious of. So, my friend today challenged me. I had challenged her a few months back to take a few moments, every day, to come up with 5 things she was grateful for. In turn, she has asked me to do the same thing. The easiest place for me to do this is on my blog. Some place, where I can eventually look back and see, here are the things I should be grateful for. So, here goes nothing...

June 22, 2010 -- Today, I am grateful for:

1. A company that allows me to bring my dog to work
2. Beautiful, honest girlfriends who have loved me, some for years, some for only short months, but who I know I cannot be without
3. My eye mask that I sleep with at night
4. Dr. Pepper
5. My really comfy couch

An update to my goals

Let's review what my goals were:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday.
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month grade
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo
12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be

Goals I have completed:
Number 3 (I leave for California next week)
Number 4 (I'm a reading machine!)
Number 5 (Knitting is so fun!)
Number 6 (Trust me, if you aren't doing this already, START! It's a life saver)
Number 7 (Tennis lessons start June 7)
Number 9 (We are staying overnight in Los Angeles after the Flight of the Conchords concert)

50%! Can you believe it?! I don't think I've ever been this motivated to accomplish my goals. I've already added another one to the list (you'll learn about it soon, I promise). Here's the crazy thing: I fully believe that I will accomplish this entire list before the year is over. I believe that everything is completely doable. And I've already started working on my list for 31. And the first thing on it is a doozy.

I feel very proud of myself and I can't wait to see how the rest of them go.

I can't believe I'm confessing to this

On Sunday afternoon, I sat at lunch with 7 girlfriends. One mentioned she had tried out a church in her neighborhood for when her mom came into town for Mother's Day.

Immediately, the pangs in my soul struck. It's no lie that I don't go to church any more. The last time I was in a church was for a friend's wedding in September. And technically, that doesn't count. So, the last time I actually went to a service was when my best friend was in town over a year ago. It's just not a part of my life. And after my experience, I don't know when I'll feel comfortable going again. The thought alone just doesn't excite me.

She mentioned how caring this place seemed, how warm and welcoming it was. She spoke about how she felt comfortable she was and how she was excited to go back.

Warmth. Loving. Community-centered. These are things I had hoped to find in a church. These are things I've always loved about the Church. And for a split second, I almost missed the Church. I missed the body I knew to be in Axis and Summit. I missed the hope I had in Radius and what I saw in Jacob's Well. I thought about my small group back at Willow and the love, support, strength I received from it and my soul missed that aspect of the Church.

My faith has changed so much in the last 5 years. I think the pastor I was when I started at Willow and who I am today wouldn't recognize each other. I have grace for where I am and am okay with what I stand for. And for a split second, I realized I missed what I knew the Church could be. However, it was like a breath. I missed it and then it was done. Because I know community can be outside of the church. And what I have right now, the community I have, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I'm not so sure...

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

289 days. 15 Hours. 46 minutes.

On December 31, I lost my job.

I lost what I considered to be my sense of who I was. I wasn't happy. I hadn't been happy at the job since I came back from Kenya. Something clicked there and I started realizing that not only was I unhappy, but my boss thought I was complete idiot and had no idea what I was doing.

So, I packed up my items and I left. I began what I thought would be a short jaunt. I thought to myself, this will be quick, I will get a job shortly. And then one month passed. I applied for job after job after job. (As a side note, I think I've applied for almost 300 jobs.)

I had a handful of interviews, some I really wanted, some weren't for me. I eventually came to the point where I was willing to settle. I would settle for anything. If it would pay me a decent amount, I would do it.

Last week, that changed. I applied for a position knowing it's something I can be good at, something that I want to do. I took a shot and applied, not knowing what would come of it. I had 2 really good interviews. My references gave me some of the best compliments in the world.

Today, I accepted a position as a Catering Sales Manager for a company here in Denver. I can't wait to start and the opportunity that is before me. I almost feel like I can't be inside my own skin because I am so excited.

And yet, I know one thing is for sure. These last 289 days were complete hell. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. For every person who is in this position, I am sorry. I can't offer you the words you want to hear, but I do get it...and very few of us do.

There are a few people who have made these last 10 months possible. My parents, my dog, my friends who have gone above and beyond any expectation I would have imagined. Every phone call, every outing, every encouragement have made these days bearable. My parents have supported me in ways I couldn't believe. My friends have forced me out of my house, out of my depression, out of my clouds. Thank you to each one of you for all of your support over the last 289 days. I will forever be grateful.

Who knows what the future holds, but I've been waiting for this day for over 10 months. I am excited for the next adventure...here goes nothing.