Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Blogger freaking out...

Okay, I've wanted to post 300 times today, but blogger has been freaking out all day long. And now, I can't remember half of the post I wanted to write...

I'm sure there was one about the fact that I loved that Kelly called me out of the blue...
I'm sure there was one about how Omarosa will be on the Surreal Life (which means I will not watch next season)...
I'm sure there was one about my boot camp class today....
I'm sure there was one to be written about the fact that I just realize I drink close to 1 gallon of water a day...
I'm sure there was one about the beautiful weather (70 degrees)...
I'm sure there is something to say about Denver in a few short days...
I'm sure I wanted to write about the fact that speed dating isn't tomorrow but now it's not until April...
I'm sure I wanted to write about how all I want for dinner is Taco Bell...

But I can't remember what I really wanted to say.

Except that I'm tired and I'm in pain due to a hard workout today...I'm ready for a vacation, a walk with Chi and Sonic for lunch on Friday....

ps-If you want a google email account (gmail), let me know...I have 50 invites...

Monday, March 28, 2005

Because I'm addicted to these things...

My friend Liz (who walked by me today, but didn't say anything, which she claims she didn't see me, but whatever, I still love her) had this on her site, so I decided to do it too...I'm such a follower...

1. First name: Meghan
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope.
3. Do you wish on stars? All the time…the better question is do the wishes come true?
4. When did you last cry? Last night, while watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yep, but since I spend so much time on the computer, I don’t get to write that often.
6. What is your favorite lunch meal? Willow’s Tuna on Multi-Grain with Honey Mustard…so good.
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? What kind of question is this?
8.If you could be Water, Earth, or Air, which would you be? Well, since my sign is a water sign and I love being in the water, I would have to say Water
9. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yep, Friday night at “good” Friday celebration…Now Viv and Brad know it.
10. Do looks matter? Yes, but its not all that matters. Personality and character have a lot to do with it too.
11. How do you release anger? I go to the thrift store, buy old cheap plates and break them in the garage (there is a back story, you’ll have to ask me about it)
12. Where is your second home? Sad to say, but Willow.
13. Do you trust others easily? It depends…yes and no
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Little Pony Set…it was FABULOUS!
15. What class in school do you think was totally useless? In high school, Math…all math classes. In College? Well, it would have to be Personal Finance. In Seminary? Almost all my leadership courses.
16. Do you have a journal? Yes
17. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not as much as I once did, but I still do.
18. Favorite movie(s)? Garden State, So I Married an Axe Murderer, A Mighty Wind, Chicago, Finding Neverland, Sixteen Candles
19. What are your nicknames? Megs, Smith, Kegs, and the most recent one…Jeeves
20. Would you bungee jump? Doubtful
21. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? never
22. Do you think that you are strong? I’m getting there physically…Emotionally; I’m 100% stronger than I was 3 years ago
23. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookie Dough…especially Cold Stone’s version of it….
24. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My inability to trust the goodness of God.
25. Who do you miss most? Tiffany
26. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Man, the entire Internet community would be cool, but no
27. What color pants are you wearing? Khaki
28. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Fire Engine Red
29. Last person you talked to on the phone? My grandmother…I miss her
Were you interested in the conversation as well or just the who? Yes…silly question
30. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile and eyes
31. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes…she’s the best!
32. How are you today? Doing well…loving the weather and the fact the windows are open…a little tired
33. Favorite drink? Water, Cherry Coke, and a good cold beer
34. Favorite sport? To watch: K-State Football to play: ultimate
35. Hair Color? Currently brown…check back in 3 weeks
36. Do you wear contacts? Yes, otherwise I am blind
37. Favorite food? Bacon Cheeseburgers and Fries
38. Last movie you watched? The American President on TNT
40. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
41. Summer or winter? Summer. The winter here last too damn long
42. Hugs or kisses? Yes.
43. What is your favorite dessert? Tiramisu
44. Living arrangements? Townhome, renting a room with a roommate
44. What are your desired living arrangements? Denver or Austin…
45. What's on your mouse pad? Nothing…I’m on my laptop
46. What did you watch last night on TV? Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
47. Favorite smell? Freshed baked cookies…only chocolate chip cookies
48. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
49. Do you believe in evolution or creationism? Both…if you want to have this conversation, then email me…I refuse to discuss my theology with someone in a comment box.
50. What's the last nice thing somebody said to you? That they loved my sense of humor…this came from the guy teaching my boot camp.

The week ahead...

First of all, the Chicago Sun-Times website claims that today's weather is "breakthrough". They honestly have the best description of the weather, so you should check it out some time. It is freaking gorgeous outside today...and tomorrow is suppose to be 70!! Can you believe it?! That's right, spring has finally arrive...PTL!

My first Easter was a success. A spiral cut ham is truly a newbies gift to cooking. Don't believe me? Try it yourself...Thanks to Sara and Dave who brought a casserole and Vivie for bringing the dessert, we had a great time. Next time will be a lot less intimidating.

In other news, I leave Thursday for Denver and I cannot wait. The mountains, the beauty, but no old school Nintendo...which makes me very sad. Speed dating on Wednesday (prepare for a post) and back on Monday. It will be a great weekend to get away.

Class starts in a week...1 week till my last class! HOLY CRAP that's big...not just big, but big. Sara nominated me to speak at graduation and of course, the list of things that would be inappropriate to say has begun...Trust me, you'll know if I get to speak.

So, until Wednesday night after Speed Dating, get out and enjoy the beautiful weather... I know I will be!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Be yourself and you will always be in fashion.

My internet fortune cookie told me this today...Interesting in light of my desire to be on What Not to Wear.

Today was a pool day in boot camp so I feel like I smell like chlorine, a smell that will not go away until at least Saturday.

It's a weird weekend. No major plans on Friday or Saturday and having friends over on Sunday for Easter lunch. I'm cooking my first ham, so I am slightly nervous. What if for some reason, I do it wrong? Yikes!

In other news about me...well, next Wednesday I'm doing speed dating. My friend Alethea asked me if I wanted to do it and I couldn't pass up an opportunity to have fun in the city and have 20 four minutes dates in one night. Trust me, there will be a post following that adventure.

So, until next week...Congrats go out to Vanessa and Glenn on getting married (which is just fun because Van and I have known each other since 2000 and I've known Glenn since he was a freshman in high school) and have a very Happy Easter!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

What Not To Wear

I love shows that feature transformation. Whether it's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (I cry...EVERY TIME) or the old episodes of Trading Spaces, I get hooked and cannot turn my eyes away. It's almost as bad as Behind the Music on VH1. If you start watching during the last 30 minutes, you are hooked and can't turn away.

My favorite of these shows is What Not to Wear on TLC (aka: The Lord's Channel because it's all about Transformation). I want to be on there so Stacy and Clinton can speak truth into my wardrobe and tell me what I really should be wearing as oppose to the jeans and t-shirts I wear on a daily basis. I realize they can be cruel, and if I did make it on, I know I would probably cry, but still, it's something I really want to do. Especially if I continue on my gym track the way I have. Who knows, maybe by the time I finish up boot camp, I'll be able to show off my new hot bod in some new hot clothes. Oh..one can wish can't they?

My hope is that my own personal (and physical) transformation will continue. I just can't wait to see where it ends up in 2 months. That's right, I finished my first month of boot camp and I only threw up once (you'll have to ask me for that story).

Monday, March 21, 2005

Look out Denver...I'm coming back!

After what appears to be the worst birthday week ever (now there's a show for VH1), I had a meeting with my mentor on Saturday. Let me back up...you'll need a back story on this.

My friends are planting a church in Denver. When Nick and the first crew left a year ago, I resisted going, simply because I didn't have a pay check to go. Then I went in September. And I loved it. I loved the people from Iowa, I loved the concept of the church, I fell in love with the town...how could you not?

Well, after receiving the news from Young Life, I had to sit down and process through everything. And I called Nick to let him know that I wouldn't becoming to the retreat the first weekend in April. He pushed back on me, and I told him that I would have to process it with my mentor and get back to him on Sunday. Which is where my mentor comes in on Saturday. She did a fantastic job (like usual) of speaking truth into my life and reassuring me that the ministry aspect of the past three years weren't done in vain. And we talked about what Denver would mean to me if I did go. To go, simply listen, observe, and surrender Denver as a whole. So, today, I booked a ticket with $241 that I don't have. I'm waiting for God to show up with it (and by it, the money) in some fashion that just knocks me off my rocker. But I need to get away. To sit in community and receive. And I need to figure out how I'm going to get to the airport on Thursday afternoon. But I'm ready to go and sit in the presence of the Trinity and see what they have to say to me about my future past June 11th.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Kansas news

This is so weird. I had this professor while I was an English major for 2 minutes. He taught me about the Development and the Structure of the English language. And if I'm honest, they were amazing classes. Hard as all get out, but good. In fact, those were the only two books I saved from college (not because they will do me any good now, but because Varney's wouldn't buy them back). Out of all the profs I had at K-State, I don't think I would have picked him as the someone who could murder someone. It's so bizarre....If you want information regarding the case and what K-State is doing regarding this whole freaky situation, you can read about it here.

In other Kansas news, KU officially sucks as a basketball team. If you don't believe me, look at this.

Friday, March 18, 2005

I'm done...sort of...

Well friends, I have officially ended the second to last quarter of my master's degree career.

Sort of.

Today alone, I turned in three papers. I'm done writing papers until April 4th. I'm done studying until April 4th. Yahoo! The only problem is that the program we use to communicate with our professors (Blackboard) is down...until sometime this weekend.

Which means that the final exam I have left to take for my Old Testament 3 class will have to wait until Monday. I refuse to focus on it this weekend. I need the weekend to process the events over the past week. I need to not focus on school, but sleep in, cry, be angry, be sad, and have a good time at Joel and Andy's party on Saturday night.

So, I'm declaring that I'm done with school for this quarter!

I can't wait.

Have you heard this?

Once again, lyrics are sticking in my head from multiple songs that are speaking to me...like the new Crossfade song, "Cold". Have you heard it? Look at these lyrics:

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

I just feel so grateful that I have a group of people that know the screwed up sides of me that I no longer keep so deep inside of me. And to those people (and they know who they are)...thank you. I love you all.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


someone says it better than I could...

I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody
Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
I sang your songs
I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignore
The next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it’s not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I’ve had enough mystery
You keep building it up
But then you’re shooting me down
But I’m already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position
I’d put down all my ammunition
I’d wonder why it had taken me so long
But lord knows that I’m not you
And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Because waiting on love
Ain’t so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
by Jack Johnson off his latest cd: In Between Dreams

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, friends, the official 25th Birthday is today. I can't believe it...25 years old! And if I'm honest, this isn't where I thought I would be by 25. By 25, I imagined my life would look slightly different. Married, a child, living in Kansas City, with a dog. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Funny how life takes you down one path and then changes it completely. But I'm content entering my 25th year. Sure, I wish the week would have started differently, but who's to say that it won't change completely soon?

My friend Andy asked me at my party on Friday when was the last time I cried at a birthday. And I honestly couldn't think of a time until this morning after I finished working out (thank you bootcamp class at 6 am). It was my 19th birthday and I was pseudo dating a guy name Aubrey. (I realize now that should have been my first clue this wasn't going to work). I actually found him making out at KJ's (now I really do miss that place) with some random girl. That birthday sucked...

As for my best birthday, I had to think about that one for a while too. Since it's March, it typically fell over Spring Break. I had to figure out a way to celebrate it before or after. In high school, it was spent on the slopes in Colorado. In college, 2 years were spent in Kansas City, 1 year was the Bahamas and 1 year in London. I think my London birthday was incredible, and it was that trip that I began to really fall in love with London. I saw fantastic plays, great museums and traveled a little by myself.

And then there's this year. A party last Friday, a party this Saturday and fun times today. Lunch with Carol, dessert with Viv, Craig, and maybe a new friend. And it's exactly what I want. Maybe the 25th year won't be so bad...maybe it will be the best birthday....I'm just excited to see what happens....I just know I'm excited to see what happens and ready for the next chapter to begin.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

my fortune cookie...

Insecurity is your biggest hurdle.

dang gina! right again! this thing is as good as the magic eight ball.

Monday, March 14, 2005

This is not the way I wanted to start my birthday celebration week...

Young Life has decided that I am not the right fit for them...So, it's hard but I'm just processing it right now...Feel free to email me or call me if you have any questions...
Sorry, I just don't feel like writing more right now...

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Thank you!

my favorite people

I just wanted to thank my favorite people for helping me celebrate my 25th birthday a little early this year...it was the exact thing I wanted and it wouldn't have been the same without you! I love you all....

Friday, March 11, 2005

And you wonder why I don't own a cat!

Here is the number one reason I REFUSE to own a cat....

I miss my friend Chad...

...who probably doesn't read this, but I wanted to let you all know that it's true.

See, Chad wasn't someone that I met through college or through Heartland. Chad was my Bucks boss and without a doubt, he ranks right up there with one of the best bosses I have ever had. He's the only one these days who gets what the air c is, or that reference to Ross and his teeth and how I play into that scene. He was willing to sing with me behind the bar and cry with me when I left the Bucks to come here. He knows what I look like at my best, seen me during my worst, and looked at me across the table after drinking margaritas and said perhaps it would be best for us to walk around the Plaza before driving home. And to be completely honest (something I'm realizing that I love these days), he is the last guy that overwhelmed me...and not in a bad way, but the way that as a girl you want to be overwhelmed.

He and I spoke a lot when I first moved here. And then it slowly faded. And then he moved to Seattle, and we spoke again more frequently and now it's faded. He's now the person who gets the random phone calls after a good night with the girls. I wish I could see him right now and I would love to go out to Seattle and see him in his new life, but that probably won't happen until at least August now (financially and all). But I was missing him today and wanted to let him know that...even if he doesn't read this thing. And now the entire internet community now knows that I miss him and for right now, that may be enough.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Pictures from the Axis Retreat are now up...granted, I didn't take that many, but hey, it's better than nothing...

Monday, March 07, 2005

Do you even know me??

I got sick last week...random fever, stuffy nose, cough...everyone has had it here in Chicago. Saturday night after my great night in the city, I started to lose my voice. Yesterday it was barely here and by Axis Sunday night, it hurt to talk and swallow. My speech therapist told me not to talk any more...which I ignored over dinner with Viv and Craig.

So, here it is today, and I thought I had gotten it back, but it completely and utterly gone. I love to talk. I love singing with the radio. Tonight, I was suppose to talk to junior high and high school students about security and it's gone! I never lose my voice! This is so wrong. And I'm offering up a reward...If you have seen or heard my true voice in the last 24 hours, please return it....a whole dollar could be coming your way if you find it for me.

I feel bad about not being able to talk tonight...I'm just hoping I get it back by tomorrow...Otherwise, I might actually have to go the doctor...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

It's Nights Like Last Night that Make Me Want to Stay...

I traveled into the city last night to celebrate my friend Mike’s birthday (Happy Birthday by the way). We started off at this great wine bar, and friends, let me tell you, if you want a good, romantic, fantastic view of the city, then this is the place to go. You can sit on couches, hold a conversation and still have a fantastic time…it’s worth the trip into the city. We had a great time and once Erin and I found something to talk about (because according to Mike, we were unable to have any conversations on our own), it was smooth sailing. With about 15 people, a couple of bottles of great wine, some good moldy cheese, we were ready to move to another scene.

We ended up here, which was great…we were able to have a couple of drinks, some good dance tunes and tons of pictures. We laughed at the white guys who cannot dance and then I realized it was 2 am. After saying good-bye to everyone and watching Kate and Erin get into their cabs, Mike and I walked down to here and ate a good polish dog, only after being yelled at (because that’s what they do here). I drove home and crashed into bed by 3:15.

I had a fantastic time. I laughed, met new people, drank fantastic wine, danced and realized that I really do love this city. It’s moment like these that I realize I don’t want to leave, that I can’t imagine not having this city at my finger tips and don’t know if I’ll ever live in another city like this…so, thank you Mike for giving me a couple of reasons to stay…it just makes the decision harder!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

These are the days you are never ready for...

When one signs on to be a youth pastor, one tends to think they will have a good, fun, and easy job. Overnight retreats, the ability to watch MTV and not feel guilty, summer camp, fun songs, etc are what is typically involved when one becomes a youth pastor. However, today is not the day one envisions for themselves when one decides to become a youth pastor.

I'm sitting here, waiting for Liz to call me so I can go over to her house. She wants someone to comfort her, to be with her and not to ask any questions, just someone who is willing to enter into her pain right now. Liz, like so many right now, are grieving through the loss of a dear friend. I didn't know Laurie personally. I've met her several times at the bucks, and a couple of times at Willow, so we recognized each others faces, but we didn't know each other. I was confused when I saw her name come across the screen on NBC5 Friday morning as I was getting ready for the gym, and now we have an understanding of what happened or at least where she is.

For me, this isn't my first lost. I know it won't be the last time a student or mentee calls me in tears asking for a shoulder to cry on in the midst of pain. I feel like I can relate considering I've lost so many of those close to me over the years. The first real grief I felt was losing Rita almost 8 years ago. Then I lost my friend Nick from high school, my grandfather in 2000, my friend Josh from college...there are times when it seems so easy to follow Jesus' example...be kind, compassionate, love like crazy, speak truth in love...and times when it's so hard...a man of sorrows...acquainted with grief...

I feel so sad for Laurie's family, friends, fiance, customers, acquaintances, the people in her classes. Things will never be the same...But for now, as a community we must come together and simply just be...

Friday, March 04, 2005

True, True

My friend Vanessa reminded me that Kansas City isn't that bad of a city and she's right. Kansas City is a nice, wholesome town, but don't you ever just feel like you've out grown something? I doubt I would have lasted in Manhattan after I graduated. My friend Bri did for a while, but I doubt I would have even lasted as long as she did. For me, I began to out-grow Kansas City during my last spring there and I don't know if I could survive moving back. I realize that sounds so over dramatic, but it would be a hard move back. I've changed in the last three years, and I don't want to fall into the old habits I had prior to me moving here. I'm sure if God called me back to KC, I know I would go and He would raise up a group of people around me that was a loving community...I just know right now, I couldn't go back.

So, anyways...I have survived 1 week of boot camp. Yesterday, as I was recovering from a sudden fever/stuffy nose attack, I could not move. It actually hurt. But I lost three pounds (go me!) so I'm happy. 1 week down, 11 to go. Everything still hurts, but I'm growing more and more appreciative of the guys who run this class because they are working my sorry tail into shape.

I have a busy weekend planned. Laundry and cleaning of my room and bathroom need to be done. TONS of school work (2 more weeks...then I have one class left). A trip to the wine bar on Saturday night to celebrate a friend's birthday and Axis on Sunday. It should be good...I'm looking forward to relaxing though. I need it....that and a good laugh.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

99 Red Balloons

Here it is...99 days till all this ends. When I officially leave this place and try to do life on my own. I am amazed, slightly scared, and very anxious to know what June 12 offers (which is the day after I graduate).

I've been a student for 20 years. I have no idea how to be anything else, and while I have been here, I have come close to understanding that I'm not going to be a student forever. It's so scary. I have no idea what's around the corner, all I know is that it's very possible I could be doing life on my own.

My life is still crazy, it's still hard. I'm grateful for the people who are willing to let me be messy when the grieving starts, which now seems to be on a daily basis. It's so weird to think that this is my last Next Gen Conference, it's the last time with the Axis retreat, it's a lot of last things. And if I'm completely honest and vulnerable, there are only a few people that I want to be with me through this, and these are people who have been with me for three years. But there are a few new people who I desperately want to be on this with me, but I just don't know if I have it in me right now to try anything new.

So, right now, I'm sitting in my office, looking over the things I need to do over the next 99 days. Conversations that need to be had, things I need to get to finishing up, work things that must be done before I leave. Otherwise, I'm sitting in the fact that my very best friend in the entire world is moving. So, now Kansas City has lost some of it's appeal, but that does mean where ever she and her growing family end up, I'll have a warm place to visit. I'll miss her like crazy, but we haven't lived in the same town since 2002, so it won't be any different, but trips to KC now just won't be the same. It was her and her family that I longed to see as soon as I got home...this just now gives me a better excuse to stay a short period of time.

I'm ready for a new season, and not just a physical season, but a new season in life...this one is just so hard that I just don't know if I can continue to do it.