Sunday, April 11, 2010

I'm not so sure...

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

1 comment:

Still thinking... said...

I appreciate your honesty as always and love you for it. Did you ever get in to the dance classes you wanted to do? Spice it up with some of those adventures you wanted to do...look at your bucket list. ;)