It's 1:46 am, and I should be in bed, asleep, but I can't sleep.
Perhaps I'm still buzzing off the amazing set U2 played tonight on SNL and it's a reminder of how I will do almost anything to go to their next concert. I'd even be willing to come to KC for it.
Perhaps it's because I met with my mentor today and her words of amazing wisdom are still rolling around in my head.
And because I can't sleep and I don't have a fun book to read (I'm taking suggestions), I decided to look at pictures. These were pictures of my years in college. My freshman year -- the dorm, Ichthus, a Young Life retreat that involved Silent Football, my sophomore year -- trip to the Bahamas with a friend I don't talk to any more and photos of her wedding for that fact, my junior year -- living with two girls I couldn't stand and yet living with one girl that recently we opened the lines of communication again and I can't wait to see her in December when I am home, and finally my senior year -- dinners at the Leavenworth house to a trip to London (where my heart still longs to live) and a pub crawl that was great. There are people in these pictures that I can't remember who they are (well, I remember first names, like Michael ____ who was going to be a doctor and lived with John Pryor...anyone?) but I remember that they were so much a part of my life that I couldn't live without them.
And for some reason some old high school pictures were added into the mix, which pushed me back further. Once again I am reminded of people that I couldn't live without, people who encouraged me and sometimes crushed my spirit in the same breath. The names are a little harder, but the sentiment is still there.
I'm currently learning how to continually surrender and grieve the relationships in my core/committed/connected circles of life and I'm realizing that as I head home in a couple of weeks, there are people I want to see so that my soul will continue to be alive while I am there (Tiff, Bri, Van, Kelly, Brooklyn, Kim), people I need to see because of fund raising (Kim, the Franz's, Brenda) and people I long to see because I miss them and want to hear how they are doing (Christina, Wes, Chris, Leslee, Matt and Robbie, Tipton and Becca, Amy).
I know I'm in a needy, vulnerable spot right now, and I'm okay with that, but there is a part of my soul that is crying because I miss these people so much, but the other part is asking how do you continue on after so many years, after some hurts, and after so much change. Even though I am a bit sentimental at 1:46 am, I'm realizing I still have so much to learn about relationships in general.