Tuesday, October 24, 2006

a commitment to wonder

And by wonder, I'll use dictionary.com's second definition "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel".

In the last year, I think I've lost my wonder. I've shut it down because of my life circumstances (a discussion that isn't fully appropriate here), however, after last weekend, I'm realizing how much I miss my wonder. I miss the part of me that always likes to imagine the best in people, who hopes for people, who believes in Santa Claus, love at first sight, and that the underdog always wins. And I've let others tell me it's wrong, told me to put it away, told me to basically shut up.

But today I am letting the world know that it's back...prepare yourself.

I don't know what happened this weekend, I don't know if it was celebrating Hayden's 1st birthday, or simply hanging out with my coworker and her friend, but here's the deal...I miss being filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel. I want to be filled with wonder in my friendships, that they will not hold back on the hard conversation and that there will be moments of awe. I want to assume that it's possible I am good at my job. I want to be surprised, not ashamed, when the CEO tells me I am doing a good job. And I'm sorry that I let the last year strip away my wonder, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did.

But I want it back.

In a long term relationship, you get your stuff back when you break up. I want my wonder back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it back because I miss it. I miss who I am when I haven't had it. I think Kelly recognized it when she was here over the summer...to see how beaten down I was, and she encouraged me to find it again. Tiffany, I know heard it in my voice all year long and didn't believe it until she came here (by the way, she's coming back and I cannot wait).

So, here's the deal...I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it back...and this time, when I get my wonder back, I will not let anyone strip it from me again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

HI. I stumbbled up on your blog tonight while googling an ex boy friend. I Found his name on your blog. I am trying to find him. And maybe you know him. Mark Sprecker is who i am looking for. I know he is in Kansas still. if you have ANY info on him or anything will you please let me know. I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks. you can e-mail me at Jnanda_2000@yahoo.com