Monday, March 27, 2006

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

My friends Nick and Wendy are getting married in May and this quote was on their wedding invitation. When I opened the wedding invite on Saturday afternoon, after spending the morning with Viv and Maria and then going to Vicky's to enjoy the spring weather, I saw this quote and began to cry.

My life these days has been swirling. And I know the things that typically make me swirl and get graspy, but this feels different. This feels bigger, this feels deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I want more love. I want to be different, to be the person the Trinity ultimately created me to be. I want to understand my limitations and live in those freely. I want to get through my abandonment issues so that I realize that I am never abandonded by the Trinity. I want to be in a room and be so sure of whose I am that the relationships around me aren't making the ebb and flow of the day.

Everything is making me cry these days. I watched the episode of "Sex and the City" last night where Miranda's mother passes away and bawled my eyes out over their friendships. I cried while I was on the phone with the lender because a) I felt like I was being jerked around and 2) I was still on valium (I had a mole removed last week and the valium they put me on to relax me seriously messed with my emotions). I cried after talking to my aunts and uncles last night because none of them know me at all or even wished me a happy birthday a week late. You name it, I've cried at it recently.

I can't put my finger on what's ultimately being tweaked. But I do know that as I walked home from class last Thursday, I realized that my world inside my head is unsafe, and the world outside of me is unsafe. So for now, I'm waking up every morning asking the Trinity to be there with me in the midst of it all.

By the way, it's spring finally, my favorite season and I can't wait to get out and simply be in the sun. Also, today is my best friend's birthday and she's amazing and I love her and wish I could take her out to lunch and celebrate her all day...I'll just have to do it here in Denver.

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