Last night, I climbed into bed and picked up the book that I am currently reading. I love it, I'm over half way done and this man's contempt is just on the edge of funny and of yikes! But as I was sitting there, trying to slow myself down from the hecticness of my day, I was struck by a very vivid memory of my grandmother's funeral. It was at the moment they closed the casket, the service afterward and them sliding her casket into the tomb. During those three moment back in August, I cried silently, mostly because I was sick and tired of hearing my brother that I had to be strong and that everything happens for a reason. But last night, I wept. I wept for the fact that in 7 days, I will not be able to call my grandmother and wish her a happy birthday. I wept for the fact that she will not send me a cute card that my mom actually picked out for her. I wept for my dad who will not be able to call his mother on her birthday.
Perhaps my birthday this year is not as typically as celebrated like normal. I tend to spend the entire month celebrating. It's hard to celebrate the year that was (2005 sucked) and the year that will be can only go up. My birthday last year was spent with people over a meal, enjoying each other and that situation spoke volumes of love to me. These were people who I knew loved me, unconditionally, who supported me through some of the toughest moments of my life and eventually would become like a family to me. Let's be honest, I don't feel that here, every moment of every day. And I'm willing to be proactive in trying to create it here. And celebrating a birthday with people who are making the choice to celebrate with me is something that I am feeling loved in and through.
I have 7 days left to make my 25th year redeemable. I have 7 days left to update my wish list so that people are scrambling to get me something will actually get me something I want (down with the Bath & Body Works). And I have 7 days to surrender my desire of what I want my birthday to be, and realize that this year, it just might fall short.