Monday, February 11, 2008

soul purge

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result." Gandhi

The ebb and flow of life seems to be messing with my mind and my soul recently. I had so many expectations for 2008. That "2008 will be great" feeling was upon me when the clock struck midnight on December 31st.

And the reality is, what I’ve seen 2008 to be thus far hasn’t been fun to watch. I’ve pretty much owned up to a major downfall in my life, and I’m not allowing for much grace for myself or from others.

I feel like the goals I’ve set for myself a while ago really aren’t happening. I’m not being as proactive on some of them as I had hoped to be and there have been harsh realities in dealing with the others.

I was telling a friend today that I feel like I’ve let myself down over the last month and half. And not only that, but I feel like situations and people have let me down.

And the reality is, I’d much rather hide and stick to the life I’ve created in my house than face the reality outside. Becoming a recluse is really what I want to do.

If you had talked to me on Thursday, you would have thought I could have taken over the world. I had finally resolved the fact that a guy I had been chatting with on eHarmony had cut the ties (considering I haven’t heard from him in ages) and that I had received the apology I so deserved from my ex. I felt like I was winning the break-up in that situation. I even had enough courage on Friday to talk to guy in my building that has caught my eye for a while now. Friday night, I could speak to anyone with the courage and strength that had been pushed out of me for a while.

Then over the weekend, I had time to think. I thought about the relationships I have in my life, the new and the old ones. I thought about love. I thought about change. I thought about the reality of what I know to be true and how I don’t feel any of that truth on a regular basis. I thought about some of the situations I was in, and how I loved most of them, and others made me frustrated beyond words. I thought about the lack of grace I give myself and how easily I tend to give it to others. I thought about selfish decisions, about grasping, about the bottom. I thought about Denver and the hope it once had and how now I’m realizing that hope was never there and has never been here.

So what do you when in one moment you feel empowered and in the next realize your reality is pretty much not what you had hoped it to be? Do you tuck and hide or do you cling to the empowerment and figure out what your grasp is when the wind is blowing?

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