Rememberance: The greatest year yet

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

It’s funny….I had often asked myself in 2005 and 2006 when I would finally catch my break. While both years were horrible, I finally remembered what it was like to have a good year.

I had written on my 27th birthday that “So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world." So as I look back over the last year, I realized I did have 27 remarkable experiences…here are just a few:

1. I went to Kenya and rediscovered a part of me that is so true and authentic that I can’t deny it. I miss that country every day, I miss my friends who I traveled with and the people I met there.

2. I bought a house. No, really, I bought a home. After spending the last 2 major holidays in my home, it is completely me, completely home. I don’t know if I can spend holidays any other way.

3. I adopted the mutt I live with who is becoming this cuddle bug. He’s great and slowly we we’re figuring out how to make this work. Thankfully he’s getting better personality wise…now, once training gets done, maybe he’ll be the super dog I’ve always dreamed of having.

4. I released the pain I’ve been carrying around since Radius imploded. At some point this year, I finally just said “it doesn’t define me”. While I think the anger I had towards the manipulation that happened was righteous, I can’t justify wasting any more energy toward it.

5. I took a risk and joined a small group through a church here. While the church itself wasn’t the place for me, I walked out with a new, fabulous, dear friend. For a while now, I’ve been praying that God would provide more girlfriends. I had some amazing ones already, but I was desperate for those who were uninvolved with the Radius story…Who weren’t affected by it and who had no idea the hell we had all been put through…In March, I met Christen and I love our friendship. It’s hard to imagine my world in Denver without her.

6. I stood at Coors Stadium and watched the Rockies get into the playoffs.

7. I went to my first SEC game in a really long time and remembered what college football should be and why the SEC is the best division in college sports.

8. I defended my political beliefs when someone when completely out of line with theirs. And no, my liberal thinking isn’t ruining America…it’s allowing more beauty in because of its diversity.

9. I survived my first huge car accident. And the even more remarkable part was that I survived it shame free. Perhaps my desire that my core issue is becoming less threatening might be coming true.

10. I’m beginning to see reconciliation in a friendship that I had released as done. While I am no where near ready to begin sharing openly again, I am ready to at least attempt a relationship again. That feels like growth.

11. I’ve seen one of the best shows (concert wise) in a really long time. Ryan Adams was the best way to return from Africa and completely reemerge as a changed human being.

12. My drives in frolf has gotten better (well, it had, considering I didn’t play much this summer who knows what the throws will be like in April).

13. I cooked my first turkey and was reminded that I am a pretty decent cook. I’m grateful that it is such a release for me.

14. I’ve discovered my passion for photography and that I have a pretty decent eye. And, finally, I’ve gotten all my Africa pictures in a condensed version so people can look at them (You can also look at the 2000 I took, but this the quick and dirty versions).

15. In light of 14, I’ve submitted work for photography shows out of hope to become commissioned. I might even post something on CL to see if people want to hire me. Who knows what will come out of it, but I need to take the risk to figure it out.

16. I’ve discovered that my liberal theology and thinking might be overwhelming to some, but for me is a source of comfort. The comfort comes from understanding, finally, that my theology is ever-changing, but my values don’t. What I believe in, the fact that it’s all about love, isn’t horrible or wrong, it’s truth (at least for me).

17. I’ve taken more risks with my heart than I could even imagine. I’ve loved more, laughed more, and ultimately figured out myself more. While there was one person in particular that had me head over heels and then broke my heart, I’ve decided that I am worth it…I believed in myself more this year than I have in the 26 years prior.

18. I’ve begun to ask for what I deserve and need, which is huge. I’ve learned that my desires and needs shouldn’t be minimized to make someone else happy.

19. I’ve realize that my life at work doesn’t define me and shouldn’t hinder me from pursuing my dreams. And that my definition of what a work relationship should be is perhaps different than what the rest of the world defines it as.

20. I began to meet with a life coach to seek help on where I actually belong career-wise. While I don’t have a clear cut definition, what I realize is that I am truly talented and need to sit in that more often.

While I could go on explaining how 2007 was the best year ever, I know deep down that it’s more than just explaining all I did this year. I know it’s more about the people I met, fell in love with, deepened friendships with and in the midst of it all, and realized who I had changed for the best. Anger, fear, lies, hurt had all been laid to rest and out of it came love, beauty and above all hope. Why 2007 was the best year of my life isn’t really hard to explain, it’s just the fact that I began to love myself more and hate myself less and that’s all that really mattered. Thank you to everyone who was a part of making 2007 the best…I can’t wait to see what happens in 2008!

My desire in someone else's words

“I want to Love. I also hope to find a special kind of love. A love I’ve only heard of but never felt before. I’m hoping God sends me a personal companion. Someone I can gel with, share deep deep thoughts with. A person who is loving and caring. A feely touchy kind of person. Someone sentimental. An intelligent man. A man with strong values and who appreciates the simple things. A guy who is smart enough to tell confidence apart from arrogance. So when he says “Zindzi, You’re Beautiful” and I answer “I know” he would not see vanity rather he’ll see a confident young woman.”

- Zindzi R. Henry

Love Song

If you ever saw the series premier of Private Practice, you saw Addison dancing around naked in her living room. She has her naked song...this might be my new one:

Love Song by Sara Bareilles (you can here it on her myspace page)
Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today

Perhaps the greatest thing ever

I've been home sick today (really sick). And while I've enjoyed catching up on my TV from last week and watching the Food Network (getting inspiration for Christmas dinner), I came across this site.

Holy crap.

This might be my new obsession. You can create your own cookbook. YOUR OWN COOKBOOK!

I could spend hours creating my own cookbook.

I think I've finally decided what my Christmas present to myself will be...as well as my mother's birthday present.

Any suggestions are helpful

I love my dog. He's been a joy to have over the last 2 months. However, I'm slowly beginning to lose my patience and love for my dog.

In the last 2 months, he's eaten the following:
bath towels
hand towels
Christmas ornaments
pillows
beds
sunglasses
kitchen shears
carpet

I don't know if I can wait until the middle of January to start training him and risk losing my house to his teeth. And I don't know if I can take the risk of spending 8 weeks in training only to find out it hasn't taken and he's just as rebellious as he always been.

So what do I do? Do I turn in him to a family that could love him, have the patience to train him and be with him or do I wait for the chance to do that?

Any and all suggestions will be helpful. I need to make a decision soon...I can't keep living like this.

a season of: rememberance

Over the next 29 days, I want to be intentional about this season. Remembering what it's all about, what the last year has brought, and other memories that come along the way.

The focus of this blog is about remembering. Specifically, remembering gifts. I think everyone remembers that one Christmas they got a gift they couldn't believe. Some of my most memorable gifts have included a car, my acceptance into the internship, a drill, and many others.

As I sat in church this morning (I know, I know), I remembered one of the greatest gifts my best friend has ever given me.

Tiffany gives me great gifts. Ones that are hilarious (the gnome pj's I got a couple of years ago after a bad break up), ones that are significant (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but perhaps the greatest gifts she ever gave me was the time she asked to take communion with me.

I have no idea what happened around that day, but as she and I stood in line at New Community, she leaned over and asked if she could take it with me. Tears, of course, welled up in my eyes, and in that moment, I realized how much her friendship meant to me. Here we are, almost 9 years later, and I can't imagine my life without her.

Thankfully, I'll get to see her soon and simply catch up, but the best gift I've ever received from her was the gift of friendship.

Mr. Washington please

I have recently said that Denzel Washington could read the Yellow Pages and I would say the man deserves an Oscar, which I will stand by to my dying day (he's in my top 5 favorite actors to watch).

Entertainment Weekly, which isn't a gossip read like someone said recently, said this about the man:

"You could saddle this Oscar winner with a movie about watching paint dry, and his able shoulders could carry it."

Seems like EW and I are on the same page...

So, my poll didn't tell me much

Since I seem to have trouble meeting the type of guys I want to spend time with (ie: The Republican, which I don't mean harshly, but it's the best way to describe him), I feel like the next best thing is an online dating site. I've done match before and really, it was unfruitful. I feel like all the guys on there are only after one thing, and it's definitely not what I am looking for right now.

So, I posted a poll on here. Basically, I was seeking advice from the audience to which site I should join. I had lots of choices (and surprisingly, no one chose match, which just proves my point that it isn't a real dating site, it's a "get a piece" site). Ultimately, it was that I wasn't suppose to join a site...I was suppose to stick to meeting people the old fashion way which in this day and age, I don't know if that still works. It comes down to eharmony and chemistry (match's version of eharmony).

I have no idea what I'll choose and really, I'm not going to join until after the first of the year. But after today's football game, there is a new church in Littleton that I think I need to check out because it produces some hot guys...hehe!

Thanksgiving 2007

Yesterday, I took a big step further into adulthood.

I cooked my first turkey and in all honesty, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. And Thanksgiving ended up being a great day. Jodi, Christen, Anthony, AJ, Dave, and I had a great time eating, playing Apples to Apples and watching "While You Were Sleeping".

It's interesting looking over the last three year's and what Thanksgiving has held. The first year seemed to be a family setting, but as I reflected over it, it was just masking the truth that was there. Last year provided healing and freedom. This year was about trying something out and relaxing in my home with friends, laughing really hard, having good, stress-free conversations and enjoying what the last year has held. It actually really made me excited for the Christmas slumber party the girls and I are having for Christmas Day.

All in all, this whole adult thing is getting better...it will be interesting to see what the end of the year holds and what the next level of adultness will be.

random

I recently purchased this plate, mostly for a center piece for Thanksgiving dinner. However, what I realized is that this plate serves as the inspiration for the first floor of my house. The orange is actually pretty close to what I've already chosen for my kitchen. The blue is similar to the color I want for my bathroom, the yellow is what I want for the living room and dining room. The bedroom, though, is still up for debate. I really wish I had a friend who is an interior decorator.


This was the sunset tonight. I won't lie, it was phenomenal and this picture does no justice to how pretty it actually was.





This is the face that I come home to every night and he is hilarious. The other night, he did a back somersault off the ottoman as I was trying to get him off. Seriously, funny stuff.

Trauma 101

Since technically I have today off, I decided to sleep in a little bit. 7:15 wasn't all that late, but it's later than the 5:30 I typically get up at during the work week.

Rowdy and I headed out on our walk so that he could get some exercise and do his business.

As we stood at the corner of Mississippi and Monaco, I felt the leash slip through my fingers and then life went into slow-motion.

Rowdy ran through 4 lanes of traffic, almost getting hit twice and then ran back to me. Brakes were slammed, tears welled up in my eyes, and for a split second I thought I was going to see the most traumatic thing ever.

Thankfully, he wasn't hit and ran right back to me. I apologized as best as I could to the cars that had stopped and a couple of people waiting to turn rolled down their windows to express that perhaps this was traumatic to them as well and to see how I was.

Rowdy acted like this had never even happened.

I'm still waiting to catch my breath.

La Traviata

Last night, my friend Christen and I went to enjoy a little bit of culture in Denver. We enjoyed a great dinner and then to see La Traviata.

It was last night that I fell in love with the opera.

I had seen an opera about a year ago and just couldn't get into it. It probably had to do with the group I was with, but for me, there was no connection.

Last night, I was swept up in the scenery, the costumes, the beautiful, moving music.

Even though we were in the last row of the theater, the price was well worth it. To hear a story about a love that withstands the test of time, perhaps that is what everyone wants

With you I would share
My days of happiness;
Everything is folly in this world
That does not give us pleasure.
Let us enjoy life,
For the pleasures of love are swift and fleeting
As a flower that lives and dies
And can be enjoyed no more.
Let's take our pleasure!
While its ardent,
Brilliant summons lures us on. -- La Traviata

If you didn't get this today, you should feel pretty sad

My friend Sheralee sent me this article today and I won't lie, it was definitely the highlight of my day.

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time and it's totally worth the read.

I passed it along to many co-workers today, some of which said it was the funniest shit they've read in a while.

Thank you for posting this 15 minute lunch...it made my day!

What I realized today

So, I'm currently on the search for a new winter coat. And I think I've found the one I want, but I've decided to keep looking...just in case. (Side note, the coat I really wanted was at Nordstrom last year and I'm kicking myself for not buying it.)

Anyways, while I was at the mall, I stepped into Old Navy. I use to love Old Navy. In fact, I would say at one point, I only bought my clothes from Old Navy.

But today, as I stepped into the store, I realized that I no longer want to buy clothes from Old Navy.

I think I've out grown Old Navy. I have no idea where I will now shop for casual clothes, but I'm sure I can find places.

However, no matter what, Old Navy will be my place for pajamas no matter how old I get.

After seeing this, how could I not vote for him

my lunch experience on Friday

Here's what I am realizing...Friday's should not be for working. Friday's should be for the weekend.

Yesterday started off like a typical Friday. I went to get Starbucks and then sat down at my desk to do some actual work.

Finally, after putting out some fires with the other offices, I went to lunch with my co-worker. We got onto the free ride to go to the Gap because, well, I needed a new shirt to wear out that night. About 2 stops in, a homeless woman gets on and proceeds to ask two other people if they are homeless and what their drug of choice is...and then she tells everyone that her drug of choice is meth.

After buying a new shirt, we realize that there is a new bakery right below the Gap. We stop in because our company is looking for a new place to buy fluffy cake for birthday celebrations. This place not only will have our business, but they gave us FREE CUPCAKES!

We got back on the free ride and headed back towards the office. We each grabbed lunch and enjoyed the fall day Denver gave us.

Seriously, it was the craziest lunch experience I've had in a long time.

And yes, the cupcake was amazing.

Consumed

Not by anything in particular, except perhaps the new man in my life.

And don't get excited, it's not a "man" as much as it is a dog.

Yes, I finally broke down and got a dog. His name is Rowdy (yes, I did name him after the dog in Scrubs). And yes, he is living up to his name.

Thankfully, he's a sweet dog and he's hilarious (you should see him wearing his gentle leader). But he consumes a lot of my time.

Otherwise, nothing is going on...life is what it is. Slow, beautiful, fallish. The Rockies didn't win the world series and the Broncos aren't going to win the super bowl, but the mountains are getting snow and soon it will be time to ski again.

And I did have a horrible date the other week...and that's a story everyone should hear.

ps-it's NaBloPoMo and I'm going to try my hardest...let's see how this goes.

i can't shake this feeling

I've been back from Africa for 11 weeks.

Last week, I was watching Life is Wild, a show "supposedly" set in South Africa about a family that picks up their life and moves there to try to become a family again.

Trust me, it wasn't the Africa I know and love. However, towards the end of the show, my Africa song started playing.

And I lost it. I sat in my living room and bawled like a little baby.

I miss Africa, more importantly, I miss Kenya. I miss the kids I interacted with, I miss the friends I made, I miss Kym. I still smell Kenya every where I go. I feel like I'm losing parts of the story I knew to be there. I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself and there are times when I listen to my soundtrack that I made for Kenya and I still tear up.

The dates have been set for the 2008 trip and I am seriously reconsidering going. My heart aches for Kenya and I don't know what to do about it here in the States.

What do you do when you miss the place that makes you feel most like you?

Why It's Monday and I'm so ready for the weekend

Over the last three years, there have been few things consistent in my life. There are 5 friends that have been consistently in my life, through thick and thin.

The other is the Great American Beer Festival. 3 nights of beer from around the country, people handing out free hugs, laughing, sitting down in the midst of the convention center. Overall, each experience at the GABF has been incredibly fun.

This year, it only gets better.

My friend Bri is coming into town to visit this weekend and is joining me for the GABF. I'm so excited to see her and spend time with her and of course, to drink beer with her.

And I'm okay if this is my last GABF for a while. I don't know if my liver deserves this abuse each year, but it is consistent and who knows, maybe I'm ready for another thing to become consistent.

The reality of Kenya

My friend Bri recently sent me this article regarding the dump in Dandora.

And this is the reality of what I saw while I was there.

They aren't storks, they are pterodactyls. The site of a school next door is overwhelming because you hear the children laughing over playing together and then you see the site of what they are playing next to. To think that my friends lived next door to this and survived is amazing to me.

This is the reality of Nairobi. This is what needs help. This is affecting the communities that are near by. The government, both Kenyan and world wide governments, need to figure out a solution to this problem. Because it's dumb to think it's only affecting Kenya, it's happening in all developing countries. And it's changing people's lives.

I just wish I knew how to fix the problem. Because I can't imagine what this problem is going to be like in 50 years.

back in the day

In my freshman year of college, I received the following as advice to live by. And for some reason tonight, they seem just as true as they did in 1998. Today just seems like the type of day that I wish I was actually living them all out.

Everyone's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97. Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience... I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh, nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked. You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle
Tuesday

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with your's.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can... don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it... it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines they will only make you feel UGLY.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they might be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, Politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're
40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

It's turning out to be a good day

So, I went to the store today to pick up some stuff. You know, the basics...tortillas, milk, coffee. When I started to look for good coffee, something caught my eye. Oh that's right...for some reason King Soopers is selling DUNKIN' DONUTS coffee. That just rocks my world. If only it came with a Dunkin' Donuts donut, that would make this day the best!

And then I get home, to put away the groceries (I mean, I do live the most exciting life ever), take out the trash and get the mail. REI magazine, insurance bill, random letter from Bank of America. Which always scares me because they own my house and who knows what they are going to claim.

Oh that's right. I just got a random ass check that's completely legit. Who doesn't love random money?!

So, not only did I get the best coffee either, I'm now rich. Maybe tomorrow I'll met some hot guy that wants to ask me out.

Well, I can dream, can't I?

amen

The God I believe in is not so fragile that you hurt Him by being angry at him, or so petty that He will hold it against you for being upset with Him.

- Harold S. (Rabbi) Kushner

dreams are funny

And I don't mean the type of where you want to be in 10 years. I mean the type you have when you sleep.

2 nights ago, every dream I had included my best friend. I took it as a sign to call her, which I did yesterday. It was great to catch up with her, I miss her like crazy.

While I was in Africa, I had crazy dreams almost every night. Some are unmentionable on the internet while others included the new fall line up. I took it as my malaria pills tripping me out.

However last night's dreams were beyond anything I've had in a while.

One series of them included someone I met in Africa that I miss terribly and if he was here or if I was there, I would give it a shot. He's beautiful, kind, sensitive and hilarious. I've often asked my friend Bri if it's okay to propose to him. So far, she's said no.

Another series included someone who tormented me in my past and did it again in my dreams last night. I haven't had a bad dream in ages and last night's dreams were horrifying. I'd wake up from them and try to get back to the dreams with my African boy and couldn't....which made last night very long.

The last one included me meeting someone (a hot, single someone) at Home Depot. Perhaps I should stop by there this weekend. Maybe that means something too...

maybe my friends are right

I love "What Not to Wear" on TLC. And out of all the reality shows I watch, this is the only one that I would be on.

Some people compliment me on my fashion sense and in all honesty, everything I've learned is from "What Not to Wear". Thanks to Stacy and Clinton, I've learned how to look like a 27 year old at work, keeping my style and look classic and not like a 47 year old. I've learned that it's okay to wear my grey suit with my eggplant color shoes (PS-I got so many compliments on my new grey suit yesterday, it was great). I've learned what fits my body and what works with it as opposed to what will only make it worse.

But no matter what people say, I totally still want to be on this show. It might have something to do with $5,000 and a trip to New York, but I don't know. At least then I could by my dream shoes.

Until then, I'll just dream that Stacy and Clinton are my best friends who are willing to tell me when I look like crap in an outfit.

good bye to you

Today, I realized that I needed to stop reading someone’s blog. Not because of something mean or hurtful they have said it in, but it feels to me like reading someone’s life that I have no idea about.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll read this blog or this one. And even if I don’t know them, I don’t feel like we’ve ever had a relationship or that it ended one day because they chose one path and I chose another.

The fact of the matter is that at one point, I did have a friendship with this person. And the day it ended comes to mind every now and then. I remember it as if it was yesterday…when I was replaced by someone else in their life. And today, as I read through their blog, I realized I have no idea what is going on in their life, and frankly, I don’t if I want to know.

By reading their blog, I’m just continuing self-masochist ways. Causing pain to myself because I feel like I can continue to be a part of their life by reading what’s going on through a blog.
Not through coffee or a drink, but through their blog. Let’s be real, that’s no way to "know" someone….it’s not even intimate.

So until I feel like I can safely distant myself from their blog and not wonder why all of the sudden we are no longer friends, I need to go on a fast. Maybe that’s the only way I can heal from this friendship ending unexpectedly.

An Open Letter to Nickelback

Dear Nickelback,
For the past three days, I have woken up with your latest song "Rock Star" stuck in my head. And trust me, this isn't how I have wanted to wake up.

I've tried to deny the fact that I do find your song catchy and true on many levels, but it wasn't until I saw the music video that I realized how much I do appreciate you new song.

But to the radio stations in the rest of the country, please stop playing it every 15 seconds or else I'm going to hate it as much as I hate James Blunt's song "Your Beautiful", and I don't know if I hate anything as much as that song.

Hugs and Kisses,
Megs

6 years ago

On September 8, I watched my best friend walk down the aisle and marry the man she would spend the rest of her life with. It was one of the better days of my life because I saw the happiness in her eyes, in her smile, in the way that held his hand.

Little did I know 3 days later, the safe little world I knew would be destroyed.

On September 11, I woke up knowing something important had happened that day but couldn't remember what. I showered, got ready for class and turned on the TV while I ate breakfast. What I saw was the world I knew crumbling beneath fear. I walked down the streets in Manhattan (Kansas) towards class, wondering why they were still happening.

I sat in the Union afterward, watching the huge TV as everything came into view. 2 building crumbled, a hole ripped into another building, and a plane disintegrated into the earth in Pennsylvania. And I for some reason felt the need to call my best friend because even though she and her husband were in Hawaii, I wanted to know that they were okay.

And now 6 years later, I don't feel any safer in the world. This summer, I saw what corruption can do to a government. I saw poverty unlike anything I have ever imagined, crimes that were unthinkable, and yet I felt safe.

And then I came back to the states.

And all I've wanted since I've been back is Kenya. Why, when I have the safeness of the states, do I want to go back to a place that is anything but safe?

Is September 11 becoming a distant memory for me, or is it a reality that I don't know what to do with? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers. I don't think war was/is a solution to feeling safe, I don't think that pulling troops or adding more is the answer either. Nor is a new Democratic president a solution. In reality, it's going to take a lot for the world to feel like it did on that fall day 6 years ago. And perhaps, the reality is that it may never feel that way again...and maybe I'm going to have to live with that.

A little over a year ago

I wrote about how I was freaking out because I was asked to help with the marketing department while the marketing director was on maternity leave.

At the time, I had no idea what I was doing nor did I feel qualified to help. I have no background in marketing, and why I was chosen, I still have no idea.

Today I found out that she is having baby number 2 this afternoon. And while I am not freaking out as I did a year ago, I still feel like I am in for a doozy of a time. Doing it all by myself...again.

At least this time I feel prepared for it.

finding a piece of heaven

I don't know why I never knew about it earlier, but I have recently discovered Austin City Limits. Recently is an overstatement because every once and a while, I would stumble across this programing on PBS that would play great music live and 2 bands at once.

Tonight is a great example. I'm currently listening to Death Cab for Cutie and soon My Morning Jacket. From what I can understand, it's an intimate setting, where bands play a few songs and then another great band comes on. I mean, this might be my mecca.

I'm grateful that I keep finding this on Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights watching PBS. Kind of reminds me of listening to NPR on Sundays while doing sudoku and drinking coffee. Yep, it's definitely a trait of the inner grandma.

A House Divided

This Saturday, college football starts. Which means fall unofficially starts on Saturday. However, this Saturday, something greater is happening in the world.

Instead of your typical pansy-ass game that K-State starts with, we are starting with a true challenge. Kansas State will play in the 6:45 ESPN game versus Auburn.

This game also holds familial significance as well. My sister and brother-in-law graduated from Auburn. I graduated from K-State. This is a house divided game. We bought my dad 2 "dad" shirts, one from Auburn, one from K-State and my sister put them together. This way, he doesn't have to decide which team is better (though, I fully know he believes K-State is the better team).

So, in 4 days, I'm flying to Atlanta so that Saturday we all can go watch the game live and proud, celebrating a house divided.

GO CATS!!

oh yes, that is a pick up in my driveway

This morning, I was lucky, I got to sleep in a little. Why? Because I had jury duty this morning. So I started driving toward the courthouse, eating an apple and giving myself plenty of time to find everything I needed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get past Cherry Creek this morning.

On the way to jury duty, I rear-ended the car in front of me. I did plenty of good damage to the front of my car (the hood is bent, something is supposedly wrong with the radiator, my front license plate was a good 5 feet in front of my car). The car I hit, there was damage to their bumpers, and the car they hit, well, they didn't have any damage.

Thankfully, the cop I dealt with was incredible. She was nice and funny and really understood that shit like this happens. She did have to give me a ticket though. I finally got to the car repair place at 10 this morning and then I finally just got home from my car rental experience.

Right now, Enterprise has no economy cars. For the time being, I'm driving a red Dodge Ram pick up 4x4. I'm not a truck kind of girl (a SUV girl, yes, truck, not really). And it's sitting currently in my driveway. So until Enterprise gets me an economy car, I'll be driving my pick up in style.

Still, I can't decide what was worse, jury duty or the accident. I honestly thing it's half of one and 6 of the other.

comment control

There are many reasons I love comment control. One is so that when people leave beautiful, kind comments anonymously, I share them with the public (even though I wish I knew who they were).

However, when people leave jackassy ones that are just mean and uncalled for, I have every right to deny and just let it go.

So to whomever attempted to leave the a jackass comment yesterday, you'll notice you are denied...sorry buddy, there is a reason I don't have jackass-like people in my life, you are just one of the many reminders of why that is a good decision.

OH...MY...GOD

I'm enjoying a peaceful evening home, catching up on blogs when I came across Jeni's blog. Jeni and I went to middle school and high school together.

In her very first blog that I saw referenced the fact that my 7th grade science teacher was accused of having child porn.

OH...MY...GOD...

Here's the thing, he creeped me out so much in 7th grade. He had a dead cat as his hall pass. I always felt uncomfortable around him, but what was I suppose to do? He was strange but never did anything specific to me.

I had another teacher who was creepy in high school and thankfully he never did anything to me. I just wrote him off as creepy...who knows what either one of them did to fellow students while I was in school.

I grew up in what was considered a safe part of town. You could leave your doors unlocked and not worry about it. Things seemed normal, the only thing that you were told to avoid was the bike trail because supposedly people had been attacked. But never once was I afraid to be alone.

Who knows what could happen next...but I'm now reconsidering having kids, but I don't know if that is the solution either.

Update letter to Acura

In a recent letter to Acura, I made mention of how my dome light was now working and I simply wanted their powers to stop messing with me and my dome light.

Last night as I was getting into my car, it stopped working again. After working solid for 1 week, I was pretty stoked that it was going to work again...forever (or until the bulb burnt out, whichever came first).

Seriously, this is getting old. So, Acura, please stop hijacking my dome light. I'd like it back.

why what goes around comes around

Okay, many conservative Christians will find it hard to believe that I completely believe in karma. I believe that you get what you sow. You put out good vibes into the world, you get good vibes back. You put out shitty vibes, you get shit back.

I think it happens all the time...with parking spaces, people you meet, the grocery store.

Today is a perfect example. As I walking to a site check, I found some guy's wallet...or at least part of it. I wanted to make sure he got it back, not only for the 2 Old Navy gift cards, but also so that he didn't have to cancel his credit cards and worry about what someone might do with it. I called the University in which he attended and got his number (I was surprised how easily they gave it out). I called him to let him know that I had it and he should stop by and pick it up (especially since I'm going camping this weekend).

He came by my office today to pick up the wallet and left me a Starbucks gift card as a thank you...along with this note "Thanks a ton! Have a great weekend and I hope the karma pays you back".

All I can say is that I was doing something I would hope someone would do for me. It wasn't out of character to return it to him (though I was tempted to keep the Old Navy gift cards).

Here's the thing though. Ever since I've been back from Africa, I feel more relaxed, more centered, less spiny. Things I've waited to fall into place are being to and I feel like life is taking a much needed turn. The healing process is over from the last 2 years and I'm ready to take steps forward and in new directions.

Maybe my karma is changing, but all I know is I'm enjoying the ride and looking forward to what could be next.

an open letter to Acura

Dear Acura,
I love my car. It's a 2000 TL which has been a great vehicle for me to get from point A to point B. However, I do have a complaint.

In December of 2006, Denver was abused by multiple snow storms. Abused might be too strong of a word, but it definitely put a damper on the winter. Ever since the first snow storm (oh that's right, we had multiple), my dome light stopped working. I assumed that the bulb had burned out (I mean, it has been over 7 years) and I never got around to changing out the bulb. However, on the first day we had over 50 degrees, my dome light magically started working again. So, maybe it wasn't burned out. And then it stopped working again. By this point, I didn't care.

Sunday, though, after it stormed in Denver and I was soaked from being at one of the better concerts I've seen, my light started working again. It has consistently worked for the last 2 days. It's starting to freak me out. I don’t know if your company has magical powers to turn my dome light off and on, but if you can make sure it stays one way or the other, I'd appreciate it.

Hugs and kisses,
Megs

I'm back

And I've been back since last Thursday. And the past week has been hard, harder than I thought it would be.

There are moments when I'm so glad to be back. To have the ability to take a shower, lay in the ac, check email, etc...these are things to be grateful for. However, in the same breath, I miss Kenya. I miss tusker, samosas, and chapati. I miss Bri like crazy. I miss Jen, Josie, Jodi, Joolee and Sarah...I almost feel like I knew who I was more while I was in Kenya.

Here's what I realized about me:

• There are still people I think about, whether I want to or not. In fact, I had a dream about one of them, a dream that was pretty significant, however I can't share it with her. She hasn't pursued me in over a year, why the hell should I tell her about it.
• That my job is something I need/want to settle in the near future (defining near future is harder than I thought). Is it time to change or to realize that my job is providing the means for the life I really want.
• That I'm grateful for the life I have and the life I want.

But, life continues on. I go to concerts (I saw Ryan Adams' last night and loved every minute of it), I get haircuts, I take naps.

And I laugh:


But until things settle down, be prepared for the scattered.

I made it safe and sound...there is an update on www.meghaninkenya.blogspot.com

Hope you are well :)

What you should know about the upcoming month

First of all, I am not dead, missing, or extremely busy. I'm busy, but not busy enough to write.

However, I am preparing for an experience of a lifetime. I leave tomorrow for Kenya. I can't believe it's finally here. I reread my first blog on my Kenya site and realized that I've been dreaming about this day since September. And now it's here. Not just here, but HERE.

I'm packing, cleaning, preparing all day long. I can't believe it's finally come to this.

I wanted to let you know what to expect in the next month. If you read one blog, you'll probably see the same on the other. Perhaps this is lame, I'm okay with it. It's just easier to keep up one blog when you are paying for your Internet time.

So wish me luck, keep in touch, and keep reading...Kenya, here I come!

a rant to the fashion world

Dear people who create in the fashion world,
While I am sure all the stick thin people of the world, who have no hips, no boobs, no curves on their bodies love t-shirts that could equal as dresses and the shortest shorts in the world, the rest of the general population hate it.

I am included in the population that hates it.

I realize that I have hips (which I love) and boobs (which, according to Sara, are some of best features). I also realize that I have a short torso and longer legs. The whole shirt/dress feature does not work for me. I am also a person who loves linen pants, pants in general, pants that come to the floor, that fray slightly after a couple of wears because they are too long. Why the hell aren't stores carrying normal shirts and pants?

Please fix this and fix it soon...I'm tried of not being able to shop at stores.

Hugs and kisses,
Meghan

Is that you?

A while ago, I had perhaps the nicest comment I've ever had on my blog.

I don't know if it's the same person who left the latest anonymous comment, but I hope so...because it was so nice.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Why June 13, 14, & 15 hold significance for me

I realized recently that the middle of June holds greater significance then I ever knew.

5 years ago on June 13, I walked into a stranger's house not knowing what to expect. I chose a seat near the windows, and 2 people sat down next to me. Little did I know that these people would change my life forever. David and Sara Worley have not only become dear, dear friends, they have become family members I can't imagine my life without. Constantly they invite me into their lives, their daughter's life, their house...5 years ago, I sat down next to 2 of the greatest people in the world and forever changed my view of what love looked like.

2 years ago on June 15, I pulled into a new town filled with expectation and hope. I slept in a new bedroom, in a new apartment that would simply become home. I had so many desires for what this town would hold, could hold, should hold. However, those desires, dreams, whatever you want to call them, were shattered within the first weekend. Pain that I've never experienced before, betrayal I thought would never happen, lies that surmounted all truth entered into Denver and then changed my view. While I've stayed and slowly true friends like Jared, David, and Sara have shone through, Denver's not the place I expected, yet found a new level stability for me to stand on.

1 year ago on June 14, I pulled into a driveway of an office building not knowing what the next hour would hold. I made the choice about 2 weeks earlier that I needed someone outside of my life to prove to me that I wasn't crazy. That what was happening (people manipulating me, saying one thing and doing something else) was truly happening and I wasn't imagining it. Thankfully, 1 year ago on June 14 I met my therapist, Mark, who changed my life. He was amazing then and is amazing now...

3 totally different dates, multiple years, however 3 significant days in my life. Perhaps good things do in 3's...I'm forever grateful to each one because they shaped me differently. As for these 3 days this year, who knows, but I'm open to the possibility of change.

the edge of possibility

Recently, I've been rediscovering what the edge of possibility looks like. In potential new friends, late night conversations, in work...yes, even in work. And while I want new things to blossom, I need to remember to take it slow because I have no idea how everything will pan out.

What's amazing to me is that I leave for Kenya in 25 days. In 25 days, I'll be flying across the Atlantic to discover a land that I know nothing about but have only seen in pictures. In 25 days, I'll open myself up to 8 new people who know nothing about me but together we are going to discover new parts of who we are.

But between now and then, I've got things I need to do. Life doesn't stop on the edge of possibility.

Oh, and...

I got picked for jury duty 9 days before I leave for Kenya...I really hope I can get out of it...I really don't need to be on jury duty.

the week in review

Last Saturday, I flew to Washington DC to visit my best friend and her family. They have been living in Virgina while her husband finished up FBI training (I know, I still think it's cool and dangerous every time I think about it).

However getting there was a story in and of itself. I missed my flight on Saturday morning, and so I didn't get into DC until 11:00 pm that night. I had one full day with them, and while it was shorter than I would have hoped or liked, it still did so much good for my soul because I loved being with them.

Once I got back I had a busy week between work and family dinners. We celebrated individual accomplishments and just enjoyed each others company. I had an event that lasted all day on Thursday which made me exhausted.

Thursday night, I went to see Wicked with a co-worker. Well, it was suppose to be Thursday, but the tickets were actually for Tuesday night. Thanks to great customer service, we were able to see the show. I really do love that musical.

On Friday night, I went to see Mason Jennings with my friend Christen and her friend Beth up in Boulder. After enjoying some Illegal Pete's (mmm...Illegal Pete's), we went to the show. It was so packed, but we had met one of the security guys at Pete's so we convinced him to let us upstairs to the VIP lounge. Once we got up there, not only was the view good, it was much cooler. Unfortunately, the show wasn't all that great.

After leaving the show, we decided to track down Jon Benet Ramsey's house because, well it's Boulder and who hasn't wondered where it is. After finding it and being scared out of our mind, we drove back home.

All in all, it was a good week. I spent today cleaning my house and taking a nap, which means tomorrow I get to go shoe shopping. I needed this weekend to recover from this week.

Oh, and I leave for Kenya in 32 days...yeah, I freak out every time I think about it too.

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

For some reason, I'm really enjoying John Mayer's new CD. Maybe because I feel like some of it is written from my own heart (it might have something to do with the fact that I get to see him in less than a month...with Ben Folds). Case in point:
In Repair by John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in the park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh i'm never really ready, yeah, oh, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

Once in awhile, when it's good/It'll feel like it should*

When I'm ready
I'll be able to say everything that is true
of what I experienced
When I'm ready
Because what I realized yesterday
is that this is deeper than
I ever thought

But my hope is that the steps
I'm taking
Will eventually get me to a place where I can say
"Once in awhile, when it's good/It'll feel like it should"

So until then,
I'll believe that
it will feel like it should,
because I've lost that hope.

*taken from John Mayer's song Stop this Train

Revisiting that TIVO issue

Somehow today while programing my VCR to tape my shows, I somehow jacked with the time.

Meaning that when I got home tonight, the VCR time showed 4:30 pm, not 10:47 pm.

Which means that I've missed the season finales of The Office and Grey's.

This is totally a sign that I need TIVO.

Don't tell me what happens on either...I have to watch Grey's online and I don't know what I am going to do about The Office (step on my George Forman when I get out of bed tomorrow probably).

Grrr....

a note on why this might be my best summer concert series ever.

As you all know, I LOVE music. It's a passion of mine, only topped by my passion for concerts. Every summer is spent trying to get to concerts, watching the fans, enjoying the live music, being captured by Colorado's beauty.

This summer, however, might be the best summer I've ever spent at concerts. Here's the list of fabulous people I'll be seeing:

John Mayer
Ben Folds
Rocco Delucca
The Fray
Patty Griffin
Ryan Adams
Old 97's

My friend J is joining me for 2 of these shows because he is my concert going buddy. The only thing that might make this summer better is a Counting Crows/Guster combo. If that happened, I might die.

oh, and...

This inspired me last week...I wish I could be brave like this

this is why I need tivo

On Thursday, 3 of my favorite shows are having their season finales.

The Office, Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy.

Thankfully, NBC is showing The Office at 7:00 pm. However, Scrubs and Grey's will be run at the same exact time. Which wouldn't typically be a problem considering I'm home on Thursday nights. But I have to work on Thursday night, which means I have to tape all of my shows. (do you see the problem yet?)

With Grey's and Scrubs showing at the same time, I am forced to tape one and not the other. And of course the one time I need ABC to show Greys on Friday, they aren't showing it.

Thankfully my friend Sara has decided to save Scrubs for me but it makes me really sad that I can't watch it live (especially if that becomes the series finale).

If anyone wants to buy me TIVO, I'd be forever indebted to you...

Summer is...

Vanilla Dr. Peppers from Sonic
Driving will every window open
Sunglasses
Farmer's Markets
Skirts every day
flip flops
tank tops
baseball games
camp fires
camping
Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry"
pedicures
iced tea
tan lines
frisbee golf every night
Red Rocks
sleeping with the windows open

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. -- Charles DuBois

Courage is something I don't think most people are born with. And if you are born with courage, at some point, you lose it.

My friend J recently posted a blog on his experience in living in Denver. Why he came, what happened once he arrived, where he sees himself going. That takes courage. Especially because some people will deny what his experience was like or that they have any part in his pain.

However, while I know that my story is so similar to J's, the part that causes me to get is angry is when people leave in the midst of the pain. People saw J, myself, others in the midst of the pain and they did nothing. No, that's not true, the contributed more pain. Instead of sitting in the pain, in the midst of feeling crazy, they convinced me that I was crazy. They refused to hear the other side of the story. Because it was too painful for them.

While I wish I had the courage to call these people out and let them know that I don't understand why after years of relationship building how they can walk away. That when I trusted them with my soul, they decided to piss all over it.

So until I can muster up the courage to tell these people what happened through my eyes, I'm grateful for the 3 people who have stuck by me through it all. I love you each dearly...DW, Sara, and J. You each make my days brighter.

the most authentic thing I've read

My friend Jared recently posted on his experience in moving to Denver. And while I've only danced around the issue, never fully putting it in writing what exactly happened when I moved here, he says exactly what did (at least in his own life).

To get a taste of what his experience was like and to read the most authentic piece I've read in a while, please go here.

I've never been prouder

My celebrity boyfriend is hosting the season finale for Saturday Night Live.

Guess who is ecstatic?

Guess who is planning on actually watching the entire episode, no matter how painful the players make it?

No matter what, I still love him.

maybe I am psychic

Yesterday as we were planning out our camping trips, we had the Kentucky Derby on so we could appreciate the race.

Let me be honest, I know nothing about horse racing. DW tried to teach me once, and I know a little, but this is where my girl comes out. I pick horses based upon their names and then odds. Yesterday was no different.

I wanted to choose Iamawildandcrazyguy (it really was a horse's name). But the odds were too high for me. So instead, I chose Street Sense.

Who won the Derby? Street Sense.

Had I put the $20 I had on the race for a win, I would have won $118. I think I'm psychic.

In other news, I'm not dead. I just haven't had anything to say (this is what happens when one become done). I'm sure eventually I will have more to say...I'm not ready right now...

hmmm....

Many of you know that I hate to take a risk. I'm afraid of not being in control, of not knowing what will happen at the end. My best friend often says I will marry someone who doesn't like structure and time tables...a risk taker.

I came across this quote this afternoon and it made me ponder risks:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
- Unknown

Right now more than anything, I need to be free. I'm hoping by taking the little risks I am these days, I can find it because I'm starting to feel trapped again.

define relax....

This is where I stayed this weekend. I spent much of the time in the multiple hot tubs, relaxing to the point where time actually stopped.

I laughed with coworkers, drank drinks and ate really good food. I felt so good after the weekend that I was almost too relaxed.

I heard people for themselves and not for what they do in the company. Lines similar to "who broke into my room and put socks on my teeth and why did they only leave one box of pringles?" (of course that person will remain anonymous).

Thank you Uncle Bank for giving me a great weekend where I actually felt like good was done to my soul. I really think I need to go back at least once a quarter to get that experience because it has been too long since I have felt this good.

Finally, someone understands

my love for Zach...

The blog I want to write

Isn't fully possible right now.

Mostly because I, myself, don't know exactly what I mean or what I want to say. And every time I go through it in my head, I can't explain it to myself.

Which leaves me even more frustrated, heartbroken, and angry.

And last night, as I watched American Idol, one of the woman sang Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" and I started bawling.

So until I can figure out what the hell I truly mean, this has to be my prayer:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

86 days

I can't believe that I leave for Kenya in 86 days.

In 86 days, my life will be changed forever.

In 86 days, my friendship with Bri will go to a whole new level.

However, in 21 days, all of my money is due for my trip. And if I were Bri, this wouldn't be an issue.

But for me it is.

I have 17 days till I need to transfer all of my money out of my account and write a big check. And I'm still needing to raise $2,100. I'm willing to put it on my credit card or dip into the savings I have, but still that's a lot of money.

I'm confident it will happen, in some fashion, but if you are contemplating giving, please visit my site before the 17 days are up and donate to my trip. Because when you give, you come with me on my trip...and I'd love to have you there.

Easter time again...

As a young child, thankfully, I never walked in on my parents. While I know some of my friends have, my eyes were never exposed to that.

What does this have to do with Easter? I think last year's Easter could be described as a similar feeling.

When I climbed the fire escape to join some people, I walked into a room where I didn't belong. The entire room felt as if I was the odd man out. I was out of place and realized that I wasn't suppose to be, much what I suppose it feels like to walk in on your parents.

I think it was in that moment I realized what was actually going on within the community I had supposedly joined. I realized it was over. While I had feelings of what might be going on for a while, it was last Easter that truly solidify what I had been feeling.

This Easter is different. I'm spending the morning doing laundry, cleaning my house, and getting ready for church tonight. I'm having dinner with friends and then going to the mansion to house sit for the next two weeks.

I'm hoping this Easter can redeem the failure that last Easter was because the icky feeling that comes with remembering needs to be removed.

perhaps my greatest excitement today

I love him, I do...

just to let the whole world

I'm sick and tired of dealing with shame...I kinda wish I could trade it in for another core issue...

On Becoming a Domestic Goddess

In my previous life, I would spend Saturdays lounging around, getting coffee, doing nothing...however after purchasing the house, things have changed.

This Saturday proves this point. On my list of things to do, laundry, go to Home Depot, clean the top level of my house, watch the new sofa be delivered and maybe go to the grocery store.

I think the most surprising thing on that list is going to Home Depot. I have to buy pots and soil to replant some housewarming gifts. I've never had a green thumb, I once killed a plastic plant. So having four living things in my house and I feel like I'm neglecting them. Oh, and I need hedge clippers because supposedly I have a couple of rose bushes on my back porch. It all feels a little daunting to me.

So, I'm off to the Depot. I'm hoping I can navigate my way around the store. I have a strong suspicion that the Depot is like a drug, you can't just get away once.

Got 14 minutes to spare?

Then watch this video sent to me by my friend Sara (perhaps the best part, the wonderful graphics done in microsoft paint):

$3275

I just received my final tab for the trip and this is how much I have left to raise.

I often fear that I'm not going to make it. My friend Bri is a rockstar and only has like $380 left to raise. She's kicking ass and taking names as she gets all of her funds in way before she even has to.

I'm trying to remain faithful, that it will all come together, but sometimes it's hard to remember...

So, still looking for donors...near and far. Please consider giving...go here.

I'm feeling that I could get desperate really quick and I don't want to be desperate.

I felt so loved this weekend

In 2005, I had the best birthday. Friends sitting around a dinner table, not needing to carry the conversation, but letting the conversation flow, enjoying each other, feeling loved in ways I had never experienced.

In 2006, well, it sucked. I couldn't understand why people who had never had a desire to be in relationship with me showed up. Granted, I did invite them, but they could have said no. I sat there and watched 2 women come late and leave early and I thought I was friends with these people. 2 men hijacked my TV to watch the basketball games instead of celebrating me, because the silence was too much to bear. What we did afterward, I don't remember, and trying to forget that birthday is worth it.

However, this year was beautiful. Thursday night, I started off with dinner with friends. We went to the Cricket, enjoyed burgers and beers, laughing, talking and simply being. It felt like a family dinner. Friday I took off from work, i wanted to celebrate my day fully. I slept in, watched Dawson's Creek, made the best breakfast burrito ever, went to the Container Store, lunch with Sara and then to the DU gymnastics meet. It was great...Saturday night we went to the Front Porch, drank for free (at least I did), laughed, danced and felt appreciated.

That's the word...appreciated.

In the last year, in friendships that ended, as I reflected back I realized I wasn't appreciated. These people walked over me, told me that I matter, yet never showed it. While I fought for our friendship, asked for the hard conversations, wanted to sit in honesty, they did not. And while I grieved that on my birthday, what I know now is that Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights were all about being appreciated.

So to all that participated, thank you...it made my year and makes me truly want to live into 2007.

mmm...doughnuts....

These are the mornings I miss Chicago. Here's why...

Starting tomorrow, I'm actually taking Bob Green's book seriously. And maybe by telling the entire world this, I'll actually stay on top of it. Getting more exercise, eating better, taking vitamins are all on the list of things I need to do. I'm really hoping 2007 can be a year marked by wholistic health, and while I've made progress on mental and emotional health (thanks to my therapist) and relational health (thanks to my friends), I still need to get the physical health side down.

But today feels like the last day to get everything in. And while Bob Green is amazing and doesn't put those types of restrictions on your eating the very first 4 weeks (see, he understands that it's more than just changing your eating, he knows it's deeper than that), I want to gorge today. And what I want right now are delicious, full of fat, chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnuts from Dunkin' Doughnuts and a cup of French Vanilla Coffee. Damn you Colorado for only having 1 in Colorado Springs. I'm desperate, but not that desperate to drive 2 hours for a doughnut.

I guess I'll just have something good here...boo.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” -- Abraham Lincoln

27...late 20's...3 years till 30.

So this is what it means to be an adult. To buy a home, make a career change, to become more mature.

When the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve, my thought was 2007 can only be better than both 2005 or 2006 combined. Both had been horrible years, years I'd like to forget.

And so far 2007 has been better. I've made better choices, choices that are best for me and my development. I took a risk and bought a home and every day I wake up knowing that I love it more and more than I ever could. I accepted a new job offer (in the same company), one that is going to challenge me for days to come. I've looked across tables into friends eyes, knowing that I want to be with them for the rest of my life, no matter how hard or easy it gets.

My hope for my 27th year is that I live into it fully. That with every day, I realize for everything I am grateful for. That even in the hard moments, when my life is spinny, I will rely on friends who continually support me. That I will release the bitter feelings towards those who hurt me in the year past, especially those I thought were my friends. I want to take a photography class, I want to run another 5k (at the end of April). To go to Kenya and feel the risk of having my life changed completely.

So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world.

too good not to pass on

my friend Sara shared this with me last night and I can't stop playing it... enjoy!

Some where along the way

When I started this in July of 2004, I only had a few goals:

1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis. (basically, I was tired of sending -- or claiming to send -- support letters to my supporters during my internship. This way, people could read how I was doing, what I was doing on a daily basis)

2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you. (Which I have, I could have created an iMix based upon all the music I've put on here, opened up a library with all the great quotes I've used. But I wanted to share the cultural experience I was having with others)

3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently. (This has become my place to process).

So, along the way, I've somehow had over 20,000 readers. While I understand some of the people who read this (people in Kansas City, Chicago, Denver), it's the people in Spain, Africa, India, China, England that shock me. How did they ever find me and what got them reading? I've processed almost everything on here, my 2nd and 3rd year of the internship, my decision to move to Denver, the disappointment in moving to Denver, the beautiful friends that have stuck by me in Denver, the ones who blatantly turned their back on me, the random quotes, the random stories.

Where will the next 20,000 take me? I have no idea. It's taken me almost 3 years to get 20,000 readers, so in 2010, who knows where I'll go.

But thanks for stopping by and reading. It's pretty damn cool if you think about it.

I don't know who you are

But whomever left the anonymous comment on my blog last night, I thank you. Your words, were felt deep in my soul and my tears that fell could only express the hope I felt. So thank you...you have no idea how much it meant to me to hear those, especially if they came from someone I don't know...

"Someday you will hear that ... or something to that effect. The expressiveness in your words speaks of a heart that is a bottomless ocean of love, intelligence and tenderness ... someday, someone will be wise enough to appreciate and cherish it."

Is it wrong?

That I want this in my life, for my birthday, for someone to speak this to me? Is that too much to ask for on the eve of 27?


Tell Her This by Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

why today did good for my soul

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that my last week was rough. It had to do with the lies in my head, lies that were perpetrated by my experience in Denver. When these lies are given fuel, they often spiral my life out of control. Tuesday and Wednesday were hell for me.

Friday night, I spent some time at my house, relaxing and then going to play perhaps one of the greatest games ever. I went to bed early, knowing that Saturday would require me to get some stuff done. Saturday I needed to do some laundry, unpack some boxes, put some stuff away. I got groceries, nothing big, but needed...desperately. My friend J is dating this great girl and she invited us to a party. We went, dressed as cowboys and had a great time. I went home around 6:30, exhausted and wanted some space. I went to bed early because J and I were going to mountains this morning.

However, those plans were thwarted by both J and I. Instead, here's how I spent today. I made breakfast, I went to Target, I sat on my front porch, listening to music and enjoying the 65 degree weather. I read a magazine, I bought a new trashcan and I'm now watching the selection show.

What does this all mean? It doesn't mean that my soul is automatically better in light of the last week. It does mean that I'm starting off this week in a good place, a better place than last week. It means that I feel hope-filled to celebrate my birthday with friends and free drinks. It hopefully means enjoying my Friday off by sleeping in, going shopping and just enjoying the day.

So here's to my front porch, my 65 degree weather, and to the sunshine and blue skies...here's to making my week, my birthday week better.

the victim mentality continues

(god willing, it ends soon)

What if I am blocking God from transforming me?

What if I'm afraid to move, ask, question, respond, change?

What if I am the cause and the effect?

What if I gave up on my desire to be loved in a way that I have never experienced?

What if that is what surrendering looks like?

Would things change?

Cause I can't continue to fight for some things I don't know are true...

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this way...so empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.


She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...

1 night in...

and the beauty of it is that I slept like a rock last night. Especially since I haven't slept well for over a week and a half.

To feel the comfort to sleep so well, where there aren't crazy homeless men outside my window, sirens constantly going off and to just feel the comfort of my own bed...that is love.

there is a reason I love this...

can you figure it out?

I guess this day has been in the making for years...

As an 11 year old, I (well, my parents and I) made the decision to not be a maid in Mardi Gras. Taking off weeks at a time for school just didn't seem like fun. So, we took my money that I had received from my grandparents and invested it.

And it sat...

And it sat...

When I moved to Chicago, I considered buying something, but didn't...buying something for 3 years didn't make sense to me.

And then I moved here. Here where expectations were blown out of the water, where I couldn't find a place to belong, thought it was me, realized it wasn't. Here where I've discovered how strong I could be, and ultimately a place where I can call it home. Despite all that happened here, all the pain, I have found joy.

And on the eve of my move, I am realizing how overwhelmed I feel. Boxes still need to be packed. Things need to be cleaned. Life needs to slow down...

I'm ready, I keep telling myself that. I'm ready for this day, for tomorrow, and I'm ready to be done. To feel the carpet underneath my feet and know it's mine. To paint a wall one day and change it the next.

To be away from a neighborhood filled with so many bad memories.

So, here I go...a commitment that I can't believe I'm taking and fall head first into the deep unknown of being a home owner...

And while tomorrow I'll be moving, Sunday holds the day of simply being in my new home...and realizing it's all mine...

I apologize for the language

OH MY GOD...

I fucking own a house...


This might be the weirdest day ever...

You dance like no one's watching

in light of all that is happening...I need this song to help me to remember that this is big and good and so incredible.

And of course to dance like no one is watching...

Colorful by Rocco Deluca and the Burden

You swim like you're on fire
Live like your last day
Drink like it's water
There's no tomorrow
And you think no one can hear you
Raise your hands to be called on
You know all the answers

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You dance like no one's watching
Sing 'till the song ends
Then you sing some more
And we can hardly believe it
Words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You are an enigma walking
Make no excuses for the way that you carry on
And we can hardly believe it
The words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water, girl

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen

You are so colorful
You are so colorful

You are the most beautifl thing that I've ever seen

so, I have a ghost...

Some of you know these stories, but it's true, I have a ghost in my apartment...

Right after I had moved into my apartment, the string to just turn off the lights in my fan was broken, so I unscrewed the light bulbs, still leaving them in the socket. One night, I turned everything off and went to bed. At 1:00 am, all the lights, including my fan lights, and my TV were on. Yes, freaky...

My second incident with my ghost came some time during the beginning of my second year. I'm fortunate enough to have two doors to my bathroom, one through my bedroom and one through my walk through closet (which is very handy when you have guest stay over). I was awakened one night by the second door latching. And no, there is no way the wind could have closed it.

While I believe my ghost is friendly and means no harm, I think he (I have an intuition it is a guy) is sad to see me go. Last night, as I was working through the pile of things to shred (I LOVE my shredder), it stopped working...and then magically restarted about 2o minutes later...yes, I realize that could be multiple things, but I believe it's my ghost.

I just hope he doesn't move with me...I don't think he'd like my new place