99 Red Balloons

Here it is...99 days till all this ends. When I officially leave this place and try to do life on my own. I am amazed, slightly scared, and very anxious to know what June 12 offers (which is the day after I graduate).

I've been a student for 20 years. I have no idea how to be anything else, and while I have been here, I have come close to understanding that I'm not going to be a student forever. It's so scary. I have no idea what's around the corner, all I know is that it's very possible I could be doing life on my own.

My life is still crazy, it's still hard. I'm grateful for the people who are willing to let me be messy when the grieving starts, which now seems to be on a daily basis. It's so weird to think that this is my last Next Gen Conference, it's the last time with the Axis retreat, it's a lot of last things. And if I'm completely honest and vulnerable, there are only a few people that I want to be with me through this, and these are people who have been with me for three years. But there are a few new people who I desperately want to be on this with me, but I just don't know if I have it in me right now to try anything new.

So, right now, I'm sitting in my office, looking over the things I need to do over the next 99 days. Conversations that need to be had, things I need to get to finishing up, work things that must be done before I leave. Otherwise, I'm sitting in the fact that my very best friend in the entire world is moving. So, now Kansas City has lost some of it's appeal, but that does mean where ever she and her growing family end up, I'll have a warm place to visit. I'll miss her like crazy, but we haven't lived in the same town since 2002, so it won't be any different, but trips to KC now just won't be the same. It was her and her family that I longed to see as soon as I got home...this just now gives me a better excuse to stay a short period of time.

I'm ready for a new season, and not just a physical season, but a new season in life...this one is just so hard that I just don't know if I can continue to do it.

Welcome back!

What a weekend! And because you have been dying to figure out how I spent it, I'm going to tell you in full detail.

Obviously, you all know now how Friday morning went. I'm still feeling good about it, so now it's just a waiting game between now and in two weeks. Friday afternoon, A, Bets and myself all headed up to The Grand Geneva for the Axis Retreat. It was a good time. It's weird walking into a retreat of 250 people and not knowing that many. But it was good. Friday night we had a dance party with DJ Fisher Price. Now, if you know me at all, you know I need at least 8 hours of sleep to function properly. Friday night, I got 2. I even tried to read something for Old Testament, and that didn't even put me to sleep. Saturday was filled with breakout sessions which was fun and 3 hour nap. Saturday night we had communion and some great worship...which I grieved through simply because I realized I don't know how many more sweet Axis moments I'll have. We left Sunday after a vision casting moment and I got back just in time to catch an hour nap and the Oscars. I loved it simply because I got to see some people that I really enjoy hanging out with and I made a new best friend because we both can't stand the same movie. Your fabulous call me every five minutes.

And now it's back to the grind. I have school work I need to finish this week. I started my boot camp class this morning which just left me with humiliation of being poked and measured. But at least I know now and knowing is half the battle. It looks like an overwhelming week with ministry tonight and Friday night, a conference in between and maybe a trip to the city to celebrate a friend's birthday. So, until then, I'll just sit back and try to catch up on the things I missed this weekend.

ps-pictures from the retreat tomorrow!

Update on the job front...

okay, here's what I know so far...
I just finished my interviews and now I'm sitting in Panera writing this blog. I feel like the interviews went well. I met with the regional director one on one and with 4 area directors. The regional director did a great job of painting the picture of what type of position I would be best suited for (not an intern, but not quite an area director...so a direct ministry position). I feel like they all went well and when I felt my intensity coming on strong, which can overwhelm some people, I tried to reign it in on some level. I'll know within 2 weeks if they want to continue the process with me in Chicago. If the direct ministry position isn't available in Chicago, they are willing to help me find a position within the organization some place else. So, I'll keep you posted on what I know when I know it! Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers...they were definitely felt!

on a complete side note:
I have a button that is no longer working on my computer for my mouse and it's driving me insane, but the cute boy sitting at the next table in Panera is keeping me distracted from that minor problem. I just hope my computer can stick it out until December...and then I can purchase what I really want.

Common Courtesy

I was raised in the south. I am not a debutante, I am just a normal almost 25 year old who understands that when you receive a present, you send a thank you note and you say please and thank you. Now, I was raised with a few things my friends never were raised with. First of all, I still have to say ma'am and sir. I still try to say please and thank you. I appreciate when a man opens the door or pulls out my seat for me. Up until December, I still called adults by Mr. and Mrs. and their last names. And of course there were things I learned that were crazy, like the fact that I was taught children are seen, not heard and that I knew how to have a conversation with a 40 year old because I often went to my dad's office parties. People often why I'm so mature...I assume that has something to do with it. I still believe that you shouldn't talk on your cell phone on an airplane, that you don't talk during a movie, and you clip your toe nails in a private room.

So, today, as I sit in the place where I pimp the internet, I am frustrated out of my mind by the boy playing behind me. He has some type of top that he has to pull a string to get it to spin. And he keeps spinning again and again. No one is watching him, no one is asking him to stop, so it keeps hitting the tile floor and driving me insane. Do parents not teach their children common courtesy any more? That perhaps this isn't the right place to keep using the top and maybe the mom should be paying more attention to the kid not her latte and newspaper. Maybe the south has it right in the aspect of common courtesy and teaching about respect in public places.

Emily Rose Ijeva

Emily Rose Ijeva
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Please help me welcome my favorite Brit's new baby girl...born on Monday, February 21st at 5:19 am.

I'm so happy for you Jase and Rach!

Please, please, Please!!!

I wish I could talk to you individually and let you know about the process I have been in over the past few months, but the blog will have to do for now.

On Friday, February 25th, I have my first round of interviews at Young Life in Chicago-land. They will start at 1 pm with 3 different 30 minute interviews with multiple people from the Chicago-land staff. Please keep me in your prayers on Friday. I became nervous today (I don't know why...oh wait, maybe because it's my first real job interview). So, who knows where this will lead, who knows where it will end up (Chicago...maybe Denver...maybe some place completely), but I just know that the more people who know about this and will be praying about this will be so important.

I'm going on the Axis Retreat this weekend, so hopefully before I leave I will be able to send another blog to let you know how it goes. Feel free to call after 3 pm on Friday if you want specific details (umm...yes, if you want to reach me, you should know the phone number...I'm crazy, but not crazy enough to post my phone number on the web). Otherwise...keep me in your prayers and good thoughts! Thanks friends!

love you all!

I Heart Zach Braff

He's just so cute...I can't resist placing a picture of him here...Thank you Zach Braff for changing my life.

Uggs

I'm sitting in Panera again...pimping their internet.

I'd like to mention something about uggs.

I do not own a pair of uggs. I think they are ugly. But I do believe some people can pull them off appropriately (ie: my best friend).

But if you are over the age of 30, have four kids, and are dressing like you are 15 in your short skit, bright pink shirt and a hodded sweatshirt, you should not have on uggs.

Do these people not have a loving community around them that will say "I love you and no"?

A good week in pop culture

I am a huge fan of pop culture. And I remember the most random things, so it tends to make people question my knowledge. Not in a bad way, but just in a "whoa...how did you know that type of way?" So, let's review the past week in pop culture.

American Idol picked their 24 final contestants. One has really cute hair. I eventually want hair as cute as hers. I am going to make my top three predictions now. I'm not really good at this, but hey, it's worth the shot (these are in no order):
1. Mikalah Gordon
2. Mario Vazquez
3. Constantine Maroulis
American Idol now goes to three times a week, which means that I will only start watching it on Wednesdays (the night they announce who will be going on). The other two nights, I will have to rely on the witty remarks of these fools.

On the OC this week, we continue our saga with Sandy and Kirsten and the past. Damn you past...why don't you just leave us alone. Now they won't even eat Chinese food because of you. If you watch it careful, you realized there were two of my favorite things advertised in the show...The Best Week Ever and 2 Buck Chuck. Thank you OC for pushing these two things into America's hands.

On a rerun of Friends, we see how the girls win back the apartment...
On ER, I couldn't watch it because it dealt with a stroke...it made me think of my grammy...I miss her.

Scrubs this week was a genius episode. Seriously, are you still not watching? That's sad. No worries though, the first season comes out on DVD on May 17th. Get it.

And currently, I look like Ashlee Simpson. I have cute choppy hair which is now a deep chocolate brown. I like it.

Army green isn't my color...

Last week, as I was driving to the best place on earth to get some school work done, I had the following conversation on the phone:
me-hello?
phone-hi, is Meghan there?
m-this is Meghan.
p-Hi meghan, this is Paul Howe, I saw your resume on churchstaffing.com and had a couple of questions for you. Do you have some time?
m-sure, go ahead.

[I'll go ahead and jump to the good part]

p-Well, I have an odd question for you...Have you ever considered being a Chaplin for the military?
interior monologue: HELL NO! There is no way I am going to Iraq.
m-Well, actually I don't think that's in my calling...

The conversation continues on and then I call my friend Cookie to tell her about, which in return she leaves one of the funniest messages around...in fact I have it still saved on my phone. But she said something when we talked later. Cookie said that she would pay to see me go through boot camp. I agreed that it would be a funny site, but that I would be in the best shape of my life.

So, starting on Monday, February 28th, I'm starting boot camp. At my gym, so not at some fort located in the middle of no where Iowa. It's 12 weeks long and I think, no I know that it's going to kick my a$$. And hopefully by May, I'll be looking good, just in time for swimsuit season.

what a wonderful night (but, boy, was it cold)

my friend Craig
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

First of all, let me say that I am sitting in Panera, blogging, on my new wireless computer. I've had a laptop for about 2 years now (I got it right after I moved to Chicago) and it wasn't until yesterday that I had wireless capabilities (THANK YOU DW!). So, I'm enjoying a good cup of soup, with my computer in my lap...it truly is a beautiful thing.

Last night I wondered into the city to hang out with Craig. Craig is an actor at heart and he was the star in a one-act play. There were three other plays (all one act), but his was the best. And I'm not just saying that because you know he's my friend and I love him, but it really was the best. The first one was about a relationship (decent but the writer was cocky) and the last one was about a couple that wants to eat a man (like Craig said last night, I could have written better, and that is true).

We drove into the city together...which by the way, no traffic at 4:30 pm.that was a miracle. We had dinner at the good Italian place where prior to dinner we played hangman (the local church is the hope of the world and if you have the gift of leadership then lead) and talked about funny stories that happened once at a Super Bowl party.

We walked around, but as soon as we got outside, it was freaking' cold out and all I wanted was a cup of coffee (I couldn't feel my upper lip). I drove back last night, only to miss hanging out with my friend Mike, and got home just in time to watch American Idol, taped of course.

All, in all, it was great. I really had a fantastic time with Craig, just enjoying the city and watching him in his element. It's friendship like his that make me want to stay in Chicago...

27 days, 8 hours, 22 minutes

Just a quick reminder of how many more shopping days you have until the big day.

Don't forget to check out the wish list !

You know you want to....

who are the sickos that create this stuff?

I am a proud excite.com user. I've had my email through them for almost 3 years now, and I rarely have spam and I get a great front page where I get news, entertainment updates, and funny web fortune cookies. Thanks to my friend Cari, though, I will be moving to gmail within the next few months (don't get your panties in a wad, just a response will be needed to the email I send you, not now, in order for me to switch your information...besides, this won't take place until I move, so June).

Now, here is my problem. There is an ad at the top of my excite page. With a toe, and at one point the toe nail lifts up. I have no idea what the add is for, but I CANNOT LOOK AT IT. I gag every time I see it, and the thought alone...eww!

Please, who ever thinks of that crap and then decides to put it on the web, please stop...my stomach can't handle much more.

interesting...

my web fortune cookie says the following:

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Just be aware of your polarity.

I am beginning to think that my computer and the web knows me a little to well.

Happy Valentines Day

It's valentine's day...

For the first time in years, I actually have on red...I'm not donning my typical all black outfit in my disgust of this holiday.

It's actually a year that I want a valentine. And I had a possibility of spending time with someone this weekend who I am interested in and then they never called. So, that hurt...people I still believe in common courtesy. But as the books says, "he's just not into you". There is always person #2...maybe something will be there. Life will go on and there will be no bitterness towards the guilty party.

But today instead of focusing on the love I am without but on the people I am eternally grateful for. I thank each one of you for your support, encouragement, honesty, and the love you give me on an every day basis. Thank you...because of your friendship, my valentine's day is a little brighter this year.

in the midst of grief, sadness, and pain...

Let me preface this post by saying two things:
1. It will be long.
2. It will probably be sad (well, it's sad for me and my hope is that you can enter into that with me, but a majority of people cannot so, just pretend)

If you still have the patience for me to ramble, please continue on. Otherwise, come back next week from something a little less dramatic and we'll continue on.

Within the past three weeks, I have received information after information about people leaving Chicago. My mentor and the director of the internship...a majority of the interns who started with me (that was a given, it's now harder than I expected)...my friend Vivian...other people from Willow...David and Sara (given as well, but after spending two weeks with them it's still hard). I'm honestly questioning my role here in Chicago and if I want to stay. Why, when so much of my community is leaving, should I stay? I feel disconnected and sitting in a swirl of questions and emotions.

Perhaps it's my longing to be wanted...to be accepted...to be loved that is making this so tough for me. This is the only place I have ever lived and experienced a community that is transformational and willing to call me out on my crap and still love me inspite of it. And I appreciate that; in fact I now love it and can't imagine life without it. And now that's all changing. I don't do well with change. I like stability, traditions, the status quo. Heck, I even have assessments that say the those things. I told the Trinity the other day that if I need to stay, that I need relationships to start (any type of relationship)...I'm now waiting to see if that happens.

And then I saw Hotel Rwanda today. I needed a day to myself. To not be surrounded by people asking me the constant question of what are you doing next. I DON'T KNOW!!! Trust me...And you'll be on the list to find out...please stop asking! I needed a day to get up, straighten my room, take a long hot shower, go to lunch at Panera, read the paper, and spend time with the Trinity. I needed to reconnect with my soul. Of course I cried...it's powerful. If you watch that movie and don't cry, there are serious issues going on. And as it has been pointed out to me recently, I am a fighter of injustice. When my mentor told me that she was leaving, I got angry. It wasn't fair and it still isn't fair. So watching a movie where injustice is happening every second of every day...so not cool. A good cry was produced and I drove to the library in the silence of my car. I feel more connected with the Trinity and my soul, but I don't feel like I've still gotten to my gut to see what the Trinity is telling me about current and future situations.

All this to say is that January was hard, half way through February is hard, and I'm predicting that the next 4 months will be hard. No easy track for me. But there is hope, and that my friends is what I am clinging to right now.

Updated me!

Thanks to Amy, I have been able to update my blog and make it very cool. I'm so grateful to this girl! And I don't even know her! That my friends is the blessing of community! Now, onto bigger and better things...like a movie staring Grace Adler, I mean Debra Messing.

The best day ever!

VH1 has a show called "Best Week Ever". It's the way I catch up on all the weeks events on Saturday mornings at 10 am (CST). If you have VH1, check it out...

Today though is my best day ever (well, not ever, I have had great days before...my first kiss, my graduation from college, senior pub crawl in college, getting my first car...). I received the following email:

Hi Meghan,
Just a note to say that your senior statement of faith has been approved and needs no more work.
Congratulations.
Mark

The toughest paper I've ever had to write is now officially finished. THANK YOU GOD! Appropriate celebration has now commenced.

Based on today alone...

I will always buy a Honda/Acura car.

My transmission has an issue, an internal problem.

I not only have a 100,000 mile warranty on my transmission (THANK YOU GOD), they are paying for my rental car and all I will pay for is my oil change.

I am so grateful that I am not out 5 grand...and that I get to drive my first rental car! Just shy of my 25 th birthday (which does mean that the thrill of renting a car now on my 25th is gone)...so sad.

Feeling old...

In lieu of my birthday being only 36 days, 13 hours and 49 minutes away, I realized how old I am getting in the past few days.

While I was at Bethel, in line at the Super Target buying necessary snacks to keep me awake in class, I heard the following question:

"Hey Dad, who's Bruce Springsteen?"

ouch...that one hurt.

Last night during the Super Bowl halftime show (which I enjoyed, but that's because I appreciate and like the Beatles), a friend of mine was asked by a high school student if the man singing was John Mayer....

People, isn't it time we start to offer classes in high school on music before 1990? I think that could easily be an elective...in fact, I'll teach it if a school district would let me.

Do you know what today is??

I woke up this morning at 6:15 am. Which may not seem early to you, but it's early for me. I had to pack, shower, eat breakfast and help load the car. I sat down at the table for my last waffle and began to think about my day. Chapel at 8, class at 8:30, no lunch, class should end around 1:30 (though I wish it would be 1). Grab lunch at Taco John's, drive for 6 hours, get home, crash and burn...

Before I leave, I need to turn in my lunch card...oh wait it's packed away...I'll mail it in.

I need to see Jason one more time...

I need to go to chapel, in case there is something I need to hear about...

But today is the last time I'll be on this campus, in intensives, in the Residence Inn truly enjoying community.

Today was my last chapel. Today will be the last time I see Jason until next March (I promise, I'm coming).

Today is the last day I'll be here and be a student.

When I arrive on June 10th (126 days from now), I'll be arriving to don a cap and gown and walk down an aisle and receive a degree that I have worked my ass off to receive. I've cried more, laughed harder, thought more, stretched myself as far as I thought I would go. And of course I'm sad.

When I arrive back in Chicago tonight, I will be on the down slope of my program. 4 more months. Out of 3 years in which I have changed so much that I don't even recognize myself at times, I have only 4 more months. The thought alone makes me want to throw up. I have no idea what is next. I have inklings of what is next. I have fear about where I will be and where I want to be. I have fear around losing the best community I will probably ever experience and whether or not I will ever find it again. So, I'm leaving Bethel today, only to arrive back and graduate. I need to make these last 4 months count...I need to make them the best....I need to reach those desires...perhaps Tennyson says it best:

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, in looking on the happy autumn-fields, and thinking of the days that are no more-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Realizing

the reason my sweater is fitting weird today isn't because i've had a waffle for breakfast every single morning....

it's because my t-shirt that i have on underneath is on backwards.

i've had it on for almost 8 hours and now i'm just realizing this...something deeper must be going on.

Shopping around...

I've wanted a tattoo since 1998. I originally thought I would get (brace yourself) Kermit the Frog with my sorority letters. I wasn't part of a sorority in college and now realize that both Kermit the Frog and sorority letters would have been a bad choice. Then I wanted something that screamed Christian and now realize that too would have been a bad choice. And I feel like now I have settled on something.

I want something to remind me of the transformation I have seen in my own life over the past three years. I want something that reminds me of the name that I felt the Trinity call me on a daily basis. I want something that I know is me, something I have come into full with, something that I identify with and no longer run from.

So, I think for graduation I'm going to get one. On my foot, under my flip flop line...a permanent reminder of my new name received from the Trinity.

My Beloved Daughter...in Hebrew...

For my 25th birthday....

Thanks to amazon.com, I am able to create a birthday wish list. My best friend recently told me that I am hard to shop for (my mother later agreed with her). So, I've taken a step to help all of those who are looking for something to buy me for the big birthday (41 days away). I want to give you all enough time to buy something...not that I'm expecting anything, but in case you want to buy me something...

http://amazon.com/gp/registry/22AX51SP9TO5Y

The other thing I would like is 4 tickets to a U2 concert...any takers?? (a girl can dream can't she??)

a guilty pleasure

My friend Sara and I like to watch trashy TV. Well, I like to watch trashy TV when I am home too (Wednesday nights are the best for it...Nanny 911 on fox, America's Next Top Model on UPN, and Wife Swap on ABC). We've been watching Cheaters every night here...so funny (and sad, yes, but mostly funny). If you have a chance, and want to have a decent laugh, find it on your TV...it's worth it.

My first convict!

Let me tell you a little about my weekend...because I know you are waiting with baited breathe to figure out how I spent my weekend.

Friday: I finally finished and turned in my statement on Friday morning. Praise it! All 12 of us went out to dinner on Friday night to Old Chicago. An individual pizza (with mushrooms, peppers and olives), 3 Boulevard Wheats and three games of text twist later, we headed back to the hotel and hung out. So fun.

Saturday, I ran some errands and then spent the day relaxing, watching tv and not feeling guilty about not working on Old Testament school work. I spent all last week working on the Statement of Faith, so I deserved to play. My best friend from high school called and asked if I wanted to hang out that night. Christina and I have been friends since 1994, when I showed up with a teal purse in middle school and we've were friends since. Of course we've gone through our own ups and downs and we don't talk as much as we use to, but she is still a good friend. We ended up down around the Xcel Energy center, having dinner at McGovern's and then spending some time at this great Irish bar with good live music. We had a great time...I got home, hung out with the girls where I tried to say I had my first convert to Radius and in turn I said my first convict. A phone call to Nicky , Viv and Cookie (to wish them a happy birthday) and Chad (I think I left you a message, I just don't know if I did) later, I finally went to bed. Silly fuddled state!

Sunday was spent having lunch with Ryan and Erik at BW3's and reading for Old Testament. I took a great nap, listened to my iPod, and watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Desperate Housewives (if only I didn't have church on Sunday nights...I really need TIVO).

I'm hesitant about this class, I'm nervous about my professor, but my favorite Brit is back so that out weighs everything else. My last week of my last intensive. Think about that one for a while...if you are like me, it will be a swirl of emotions.

Happy Birthday Friends

Viv Megs Kristin
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

I would love ot take this opportunity to wish two of my dearest friends the best birthdays ever! I miss you and wish I could be there to help you celebrate your special day! I love you!!

The range of emotions I am feeling today is a both and

So today is one of the best and saddest day in my life...for many reasons.

1. My grandmother is in the hospital. She may have had a stroke yesterday, so my dad is in New Orleans while she is getting tested to see what's wrong...so sad.

2. My favorite pair of khakis now have the world largest hole in them and I'm in class. Thankfully, my roommate at seminary just went back to the hotel and I asked her to pick up my jeans for me. So in about an hour, I will be throwing away these pants...so sad.

3. I am officially turning in my statement of faith in 3 minutes. Praise the Lord!! It is done!! Celebration tonight at Old Chicago will begin at 6 pm...so happy!

4. I'm going to burrito loco on Saturday...so happy!!

Until Monday friends...enjoy your weekend!

miss you

a view of the skyline
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

I miss Chicago...

Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great time at intensives...spending time with a beautiful community, being "attacked" by Sara, sitting in the hot tub every night. And my statement of faith is done!

I still miss Chicago.

Right now....

I'm reading:
If Grace Is True...
The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green

I'm listening to:
Kanye West

What I am considering reading next:
God's Politics

so, intensive life is happening...

meet my friend Vicki
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Let me back up first. This time last year, I came to intensives and it was a hard period in my life...very lonely, was in a good spot in with my community at Summit and I wasn't excited to go to Bethel. When I came back from intensives, I realized that my entire community at Summit had changed. And it hurt...bad. So, Vicki and I had needed to meet and start hanging out, one because we were now in the same circle of friends, but also because she seemed like a cool person...so that was a year ago. She's great...you should get to know her...

Six months ago, I started this blog while I was in intensive mood. And I feel like it has been a good 6 months. Take some time and review the past blogs. You might see something you've missed before.

And now I'm here. Class is going...I'm currently listening to someone talk about the Baptist General Conference. I'm hoping to work on my Statement of Faith this afternoon (I NEED TO) and still make time for assignments and of course community. Hopefully some new pictures will be up soon...check back later in the week!

Hello Oscar!

How excited am I?! Oscar nominations were announced today and a very similar field to the Golden Globes. I need to see Million Dollar Baby, The Aviator, Hotel Rwanda, Sideways, Maria Full of Grace, Being Julia, Vera Drake, The Incredibles, Collateral, and multiple foreign films. I can't wait!

You can click here and see what was announced and make your predictions. February 27th on ABC with Chris Rock as the host...Yahoo!!

ps-Thank you Oscar for nominating Counting Crows for best song! Now that is the high for my day...

Pretty, isn't it...

tombstone
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Friends, as I write this, I'm preparing for Bethel. The statement of faith is almost done. I can't believe it!

Assignments still need to be done, I still need to finish laundry. I need to pack at some point. With Axis tonight and the ministry fair today, I'm a little stressed.

Look for fun posts and even better pictures from Bethel in the next two weeks. Until then, enjoy this picture my brother sent me...This was the scene in New Orleans (which is where my family is from) on Christmas...It rarely snows there (unlike Chicago, where it doesn't seem to stop!)

Happy Birthday to you!

Last night will go down as one of my favorite nights here in Chicago. My very good friend Vivian is having a birthday next week and I thought that I would celebrate her by taking her "home". Let me back up first. Vivian was the first person I met here and actually connected with. When I came to Chicago to figure out fundraising stuff, she picked me up from the airport. That same weekend, the weekend of her birthday, she took me and two other future interns to Steak and Shake to help us process the intern program. Once I moved up here, she helped me meet new friends, let me hang out with her and it's been history ever since. About a year ago, I had the opportunity to go home with her to Puerto Rico and see a piece of her history that so many don't and I felt so fortunate. She is a wonderful friend and all should get to know her...

Anyways since I'll be in the tundra for her birthday, I took her to this restaurant we found at the Taste of Chicago last year. It was a total hole in the wall, but it was something that totally reminder her (and me) of Puerto Rico. Steak, plantains and some cheese fritters later, we were both stuffed and happy. We then decided that since we were in Chicago why not go to the 24 hour Starbucks. We had coffee, attempted the crossword puzzle(s), made up stories, looked at cute boys and listened to some great music. It was awesome. I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

All in all to say, happy birthday friend. Thank you for including me on your special day...I'm sad that I won't be here for the actual day, so thanks for allowing me to celebrate you early.

A side note: my other wonderful beautiful friend Kochie is having a birthday next week, which I'll miss and I'm so sad. Happy birthday to you to friend...I love you so much!

a-freakin-men brother...

from my friend jaybarclay sent to me over im:

is it healthy that while watching the first two episodes of ed (thanks to tivo, naturally) i felt like i was watching old home movies of my friends from college?

yes friend, it is healthy...

and another thing...

I received an ipod with 20 gigs of space for Christmas. I'm officially postmodern. So today, of all days, I've decided that I would start putting some of my favorite CDs onto it so that I don't have to haul all my CDs to Bethel when I leave next week. I already have 1 gig of music on there and feel like if I don't start rationing my gigs properly, I will not have room for the CDs I really want (like Keane or Kayne West or The Shins). What is a girl suppose to do? (I'm asking that for real answers, not theoretically)

a note on that one random guy winning the golden globe

So, the appetizer of Golden Globes last night was good, but by the time it ended at 10 pm last night, I realized two things:
1. I need to see 15 different movies between now and Oscar time
B. So many people got ripped off it was sad.

Adam Duritz, the lead singer for the Counting Crows (my favorite band of all time) was there, suited up and ready to take the win for "Accidently in Love" from Shrek 2. Jim Carrey whose performance in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was beautiful and truly showed his range. Kate Winslet's performance for both Eternal Sunshine and Finding Neverland were breathtaking and remarkable and made me want to change my hair color, so I did. Will and Grace, a favorite of everyone, they all of them came out to support each other and the show...and then my favorite person right now, Zach Braff (who should have been nominated for Garden State), brought his mom. And all of these people lost!!!! Curses to you Hollywood Foreign Press. The only good thing that came out of these awards was Closer winning two (best supporting actor and actress) and Jamie Foxx winning for Ray.

And to that one random guy winning the golden globe (yes you Leo)...I shake my fist at you!

It's been one week...

Before we start--58 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes till my 25th birthday...my birthday wish list will be up soon.
To let you in on the week ahead:
Today, Sunday January 16th -- I must work on my Statement of Faith. It is due in two weeks (insert the appropriate stressed filled words here). I have an assignment due tomorrow for prophets that also need to work on and the Golden Globes are tonight...time management is necessary.

Monday, January 17th -- Oasis kicks off. I feel like I have twenty million balls in the air and something will be dropped. And I Love the 90's Part Deux starts...thank God for the VCR (and model trains).

Tuesday, January 18th -- Meetings in the afternoon, Summit that night. Once again, I feel like I haven't done enough to prepare.

Wednesday, January 19th -- Meetings again, need to work again on Statement of Faith, perhaps a good $5 movie that night...Finding Neverland is showing at the Catlow. Yahoo.

Thursday, January 20th...day off...sleep, work on school.

Friday, January 21st--Intern Small Group in the morning, Champions at night...a nice 10 hour day.

Saturday, January 22nd--preparing for Bethel. Laundry, cleaning room, volunteer fair at Willow that night. Somehow have my Statement of Faith done so that I all I have to do is turn it in.

Sunday, January 23rd--see above and include Summit being recognized in Axis

Monday, January 24th--Leave for intensives...Look out Old Chicago, here I come!

All this to say:
a) I recognize that this is more information than you needed
and
2) If I don't post much this week, please see above reasons.

Top 5 reasons I love TBS

Since we (and by we, I mean the house I live in) don't have decent cable, I only get 5 decent stations...MTV, VH1, TNT, Food Network, and TBS. I have grown to love TBS and here are my top five reasons why I love TBS:

5. It shows the Family Guy on Monday nights...The Family Guy might be better than the Simpsons, but it's such a close race that I can't decide.

4. Saved by the Bell...Need I say more?

3. Sex in the City. 4 women, doing life together...community at it's finest and there is something about this that is so real and it makes me want to live in NYC.

2. The continuous flow of Friends...every night!! You can watch it at 6 pm on WGN and then turn to TBS to see a whole hour (sometimes 2 hours)! AMAZING!

and the number 1 reason I love TBS...

They have decided to start showing one of the best shows on TV that got no respect...ED! Ed, like Friends and Felicity were shows that made my college experience. I'm so excited to move back into Stuckeyville that I can't wait. Tune in on January 17th at 11 am (CST).

an edit to my last post

Two things:
1. I'm extremely happy for Jordan and I only wish him the best.

B. Life is just hard right now so getting that (the invitation) was like getting the last oreo cookie, it's good, and you're happy it's there, but it's broken and it won't absorb as much milk as you'd like right now so it sucks.

If you are seeking sympathy today, please go some place else

(a preface...Jordan if you are reading this...I apologize in advance)

Yesterday I received something in the mail that I have been trying to avoid for years. Well, maybe not years, but at least 5 months since my friend Jordan told me he was getting married. Jordan, my Jordan, the man all my friends in high school and parts of college believed I was going to marry is getting married. The man I can laugh with, cry with, who has seen me at my best and worst, a cuddle buddy in college, the man who taught me how to swing dance and trust me, I've seen him through some interesting situations too, is now getting married in 66 days.

I was slightly devastated last night when I pulled the inner envelope out and realized this is a reality (a place I don't tend to live). The website is beautiful, the wedding itself will be a blast, the decision now needs to be made if I should go. I'm taking suggestions...and contriubtions if I do go.

So, if you are coming to me today to seek sympathy...Go some place else...

Delta Blue

There is a florist shop that I pass every day that I go into work. I wouldn't say I pass it every day because let's be honest, I don't go to work or that direction every day. It always has sayings on it, quotes that sometimes make me think about the effect they have on my life. It isn't dramatic, but every now and then I try to remember what they are saying and hopefully it will be passed on to something I am doing. Right now, in my mood of change, this sign doesn’t really mean that much to me, but it is something I look at as I drive to work.I have worked a full week and already I feel like the senior-itis is kicking in and the pre-grieving wants to start but can't because I won't let it. And today as I was driving into work and listening to "walking in Memphis" I realized that I am ready to leave this place. I'm not ready to leave the relationships I have developed while being here, but I was ready to plant some roots and I think I'm ready to make a decision about moving. Now, this could all change by next week, so don't put it into cement, but if I imagine where I am going, where I will be in 6 months, I don't know if it's still in Chicago...

I watched my favorite movie this weekend, Garden State. If for some reason you have not seen this movie, please stop reading my blog, got to Blockbuster, rent it and then come back...It's that good. Anyways, I felt like I was watching this movie through new eyes, through eyes of change and the idea of moving when I came across this quote:

"You know that point in your life where you realize the house you grew up isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even thought you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out, it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. It’s like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Or maybe it’s like a right of passage, you know, and you’ll never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home yourself; for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea. Maybe that’s all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.”

I could list every line that has moved me from that movie, whether it was tears or laughter or made me think about something bigger in life, but as for now, I think this quote sums up how I felt about being home and how I feel about moving forward. I really am looking for a group of people who miss the same imaginary place...

An ode to the month past

the blow-out of the year
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

friends, can you believe it? It's 2005! Do you know what that means? It means that in March I will be 25 years old...It means that in May it will be three years since I left Manhattan (Kansas) and move to Chicago...and it means that in June (the 11th to be exact), I will graduate with my master's and be done with my internship. How weird is that?!

So, you are probably curious to know about Kansas City, my Christmas, all the details that come with traveling home for the holidays...Well, suffice it to say, it was an okay time home, and I'm glad to be back. I hit that wall eventually and was like if I don't get home to Chicago, I'm going to scream!! I got to hang out with some great friends, go to church where I don't know anyone anymore, and simply be with my best friend. Kansas City was nice and I had some good conversations with people, but I realized that the trip home was definitely the last time I would be home for that long of a period, nor would I be living in KC any time soon.

It was hectic getting to KC (driving myself to the airport) and hectic getting back (stupid O'Hare and your stupid delays). I got back just in time to enjoy New Year's with good friends and my pseudo roommates and then I got to enjoy my friend Kristen's work party (thank you Emmett's). And now I'm back to work.

It weird to be back, I almost feel like I have nothing to do...which isn't true, I have tons to do. We have ministry Friday night. Attendance from our last meeting still needs to be done. School starts next week ($100 later for books) and so for now, I'm just enjoying the non-stress work environment and playing with my iPod.

There are so many things I want to say, and yet I can't type the words fast enough to let you in on the past month of my life. There are blogs that should have been written (the appropriate use of Christmas lights), things to share with you (randomness that consist of annual dinners, waiters from CPK, and seeing movies), and still those memories are for me. So, now, look over the pictures I took over New Year's and enjoy!

I just love these things

three names you go by: Meghan, Megs, Kegs

three screen names you have: goldfish847, ChiTownRagazza, mes9193

three things you like about yourself: the fact my eyes change colors, my smile, my sense of humor

three things you hate/dislike about yourself: my sarcastic nature, my contemptuous side, my lack of trust (in almost everything, including myself)

three parts of your heritage: French, Lebanese, English

three things that scare you: spiders, snakes, scary movies

three of your everyday essentials: Creation, a good laugh, a good friend

three things you are wearing right now: jeans, a sweater, my birks

three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Counting Crows, Damien Rice, The Shinns

three of your favorite songs at present: the new one by Simple Plan, Fair by Remy Zero, The only living boy in New York

three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: moving, getting a job, dating someone

three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): honesty, authenticity, fun

two truths and a lie: I've lived in New Orleans, I've been to France and England, I've lived in New Jersey

three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeal to you: great eyes, good hands, caring heart

three things you just can't do: sing, though I try to prove myself wrong; sew, speak Spanish

three of your favorite hobbies: cooking, reading, photography

three things you want to do really badly right now: take a nap, go shopping, get a massage

three careers you're considering: Counselor, Wedding coordinator, Chef

three places you want to go on vacation: a beach, the mountains, New York City

three kids names: Presley Olivia, Lydia Grace, Ethan

three things you want to do before you die: go to Africa, author a book on youth ministry, backpack through Europe

three people you want to take this quiz now : Tiff, and anyone else who has read this...

Because, I want you to enjoy your Christmas, that's why!

The following was taken out of today's Kansas City Star newspaper...enjoy!

We found these handy tips on holiday eating in our email:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rumballs.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if your going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone! Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have a two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its' loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

I hope you have an enjoyable Christmas...an update from KC soon!

The Christmas Letter I always wanted to send...

I think it was college when I realized how cool you could be and send everyone you know a letter filling them in on your past year. Some would send pictures (often bad copies of pictures on white paper, but pictures still) and they somehow reconnected me with a friend, family member, or random person on their past year. However, since the invention of the blog (thank you blog creator), I feel like that the annual letter has been replaced. You now get to see how I am doing almost on a weekly basis, if not monthly, and you get a random story or fact about me every time. But, I still want to take a shot at the old annual letter, so grab a cup of something warm (unless you are in a location that is automatically warm, then grab something cool) and settle in...

2004 has been a rollercoaster to say the very least. It started off with me in Elevate and now I'm in Promiseland/Community Care. My time at Elevate needed to end, for my soul, for my sanity. I've loved my transition to Promiseland/Community Care. Working with families who are going through a divorce or trying to learn how to make their marriage work is something that intrigues me. Writing small group curriculum, meeting with potential leaders, spending time with coaches...these are areas that I love doing and don't drain me. For me, rediscovering that I really do love family dynamics and that my college education wasn't so random is great...now if they would only offer me a job.

School wise, I can't believe that I have three classes left in my master's program. 3 classes, 2 quarters, 1 intensive...I don't you truly grasp what that means unless you've experienced the rollercoaster that is Willow. I have learned so much over the past year, about theology, about leadership, about the church in general. It all started last February sitting in a Systematic Theology Class with F. LeRon Shults and having my world flipped upside down was hard, but good and progressing through each course, I finally feel like I have a better grasp on my own theology for the first time ever. My statement of faith (my senior thesis) will help me realize all that I truly believe and though it is overwhelming to write, I'm actually excited to do it. While Bethel as a whole has been lackluster, the individuals that I have met while I am there for 2 weeks in February and July have been the best part of the experience...to my favorite Brit...Classes wouldn't be the same without you!

Of course, the major thing that has changed over the past year would be me. I have worked through some of my core issues, only to realize that I will always deal with them and at the same time realize that I am coming into adulthood...the little 22 year old girl that walked into the program 2 1/2 years ago isn't the same 24 year old woman she is today. I've learned countless things about my leadership, how to lead up, how to grieve with the appropriate people, how to use the filter in my mind on a somewhat regular basis. I have read books that have changed my life, books that I doubt I would have read anytime in the near future, books that I feel every single person should read (in fact, go to Amazon now to order either this one or this one). When I started the program, my friend Dee helped me to see that I am so fortunate to be learning and working through all of this now as opposed to when I am burnt out on ministry and shaking my fists towards a God I claimed was so distant. I've come to realize that my intensity and my passion has never fully come out with anyone including God and thus this begins my latest journey into 2005.

And what do I expect from 2005? I don't know. Expectations are funny things. You must realize your desires and then set your expectations. So, what are my desires? To fully be known and to know, to learn how to love more deeply than I have ever done before, to learn how to fully forgive people from my past and my present, to lead people in such a way that they fully experience the love of the Trinity in fresh new ways...So, what do I expect? I expect that God will show up and I expect that I will be transformed.

And so to you, blog reader, I wish you a very merry Christmas, a joyful new year, and the most unexpected 2005.

eww...gross!!

Okay, here's another side to me...

I hate scary movies, blood, loose teeth on children, and vomit (both my own and others).

So, this morning, I was taking out the trash because Tuesday is trash day in the wonderful world of Cary, and the bag broke open at the bottom of the staircase.

I was gagging the entire time as I put the trash into a new trash bag. I had to spray Lysol, plug in an air freshener, and wash my hands about 15 times.

Seriously folks, I don't think it would have been that bad, except that it had a dairy type substance in it, and we all know how bad dairy can be.

sick, sick, sick...

Thus, a season of getting robbed begins...

Last week, the Grammy nominations came out (for your FYI: I call my grandmother Grammy, and last year my favorite radio station here did a contest of take your Grammy to the Grammys, I totally wanted to win, but ahh...no luck). Decent nominations, but these nominations don't get me as excited as the nominations for the Golden Globes and the Oscars.

This morning, the Golden Globes were announced and I feel like certain movies were ignored and now, people who totally deserve the awards will be robbed.

For example, Garden State. Not even remotely nominated! ROBBED!!

Scrubs wasn't even nominated for a golden globe. ROBBED!! Zach Braff was, which I'm totally happy about, but the entire show should be nominated as well.

Anyways, the nice thing about the golden globes is that it honors both television and movies, two of my favorite medias (following close behind are music and the internet). Hopefully the globes will be great, and Robin Williams will even win an award this year. January 16, 2005...Put it in your Franklin!

Right Now...

I'm currently reading:
Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister,
Blue Shoe,
The Critical Journey,
and Cry of the Soul.

I'm currently listening to:
Keane

Movies I'm dying to see:
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
In Good Company
Meet the Fockers
Spangilsh
A Very Long Engagement
Hotel Rwanda

Trick Daddy's biggest fear..

Today as I was eating lunch, I happened upon VH1's latest show "John Mayer has a TV show". I'm not kidding. It was hilarious, but here is the funniest part. John Mayer and Trick Daddy were in Nashville and John was trying to get Trick into the spirit of country music. There are scenes of them buying hats, trying on cowboy boots, even singing at a country bar (it was more like rapping). So here's the best part:

John Mayer asked Trick Daddy if he had ever been on eBay. Trick said once, but he was afraid to have his credit card info on the internet. John Mayer says, you've been to jail twice, three times, you have a diamond encrusted AK-47 hanging around your neck and your greatest fear is having your credit card info stolen.

Seriously folks...I haven't laughed out loud like that in ages...So great, I hope it's on again.

ps-I just finished the fall quarter...now, for a month off!!

"in my defense, I was wearing a bikini"

Have you done stupid things and then made up the most ridiculous reasoning for it when you looked back at it the next time around? To me, it appears to happen on a regular basis. Not as regular as when I first got here, but since I have found somewhat of a filter in my mind, the amount of times that it appears to happen has gone down slightly. Something to be said for emotional health I believe.

Like the time at a good Friday when in a discombobulated state of mind I decided that my friend Craig didn't like me and the only reason he did was to hang out with my friend Viv. In this state of mind, I decided that it would be okay for me to erase his number from my phone as the ultimate "we are finished". Okay, not true at all and I know that Craig and I are friends, in fact, I've written blogs on how I enjoy his friendship (in fact, go here or here to prove my point). But that's not the reason for this post. You do stupid things from time to time. To cap this story off, I decided that I would tell him all of this last night at 12:30 am while we were walking home from the used bookstore that is open till 1 am in the city (random Sundays are back baby!). I was thinking he would find this story funny. He did not...Once again, foot in mouth syndrome returns.

But other people do this too, so I don't feel that bad. Like the story of a girl who in a drunken state of mind was trying convince my friend that the girl he might be interested in last boyfriend robbed a bank and she drove the get away car. Seriously folks, I don't care how drunk you are, but come on, there is a point in time where you think about what you said the night before and there has to be some amount of shame.

Or the other story of Ivana from The Apprentice flashed people in order to sell candy bars and her entire defense was that she was wearing a bikini. But she wasn't doing this for friends, she was doing this for a national TV show, so I don't know really why in the world she would say that, but you get what I mean.

Foot in mouth syndrome hurts...Filters people, they are totally worth it.

considering...

There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.

The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open...

-Martha Graham

Maybe Zach Morris called...

my friend Joel
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

My friends (specifically Joel and Andy) like to make fun of me and my cell phone. Perhaps because it is the largest cell phone around these, only being beaten by Zach Morris' cell phone from "Saved by the Bell."

On Sunday we had the following conversation:
"Oh I have a voice mail."

"Maybe Zach Morris called asking if he could get his phone back."

[laughing]

Tonight, as I was putting on my coat, my phone fell out of my pocket and onto the floor. The battery is now being held on by masking tape. Perhaps if I submit to MTV, Xzbit will come and pimp my phone.

In the place where I work

Okay friends, I get that it's the holiday season. In fact on Sunday when I was cleaning my room from top to bottom, I put on Joy, so I'm in the holiday mood, but there is a place where I draw the line.

I do not put up decorations prior to Thanksgiving, I do not keep them up later than New Years Day.

I do not listen to Christmas music every single second of every single day up until Christmas.

I do like to watch the Plaza lights come on, I do enjoy watching Elf, Charlie Brown's Christmas and Christmas Vacation in order to get into the holiday spirit.

But what my office did today to get people to come to the Christmas party was a step too far.

They had a grown man, dressed as Buddy the Elf, walk around, handing people invitations, attached to a Coke bottle (a real one for that matter), quoting the movie and making sure that people would come to the party.

A little over the line in my book...what happens when your office has a Christmas party?

Because I can!

I am convinced that the greater Internet community wants to know details about my life, like the fact I love football (college only) and I love musicals, but I didn't like Bridget Jones 2.

Anyways, because of this idea that everyone and their mother wants to know more about me, here's the latest.

I think I'm getting sick, which totally sucks because I'm trying to finish up school work (2 weeks left, 2 papers, and a vocab quiz). Stuffy nose, sore throat (which came before the stuffy nose), a little cough. I had bronchitis my first year here, I can't afford (literally and figuratively) to get sick.

Curses to you common cold!

199

It Thanksgiving Eve and I have the house to myself. I've got music on, my phone near and just enjoying the house.

It's not that I don't have the house to myself often (in fact I do), but it still doesn't feel like a home. Does that make sense? All of my places in college felt like a home, and even the little place I had here my first year was home, but this still doesn't feel like it. Don't get me wrong...I love living with my roommate. She's fun and fantastic, but there are times when it is hard.

I'm ready to move. I'm ready to have a place to myself, where I decide the decorating that happens and I'm ready to be in charge. I'm ready to be in charge in my head, financially right now, I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. But that's a different story.

I'm ready for a new location. I'm ready for a change of scenery. My friend Viv and I were talking the other day and she was mentioning about how she changed everything in her life 4 years ago and she just isn't ready to change everything quite yet. I'm the exact opposite. For me, I'm use to moving every 3 years, so this feels natural to want to change.

In the past, I have been questioned about my longevity with a church/house/ministry. About every 3 years I get the itch to move, to change, to do something different. Granted Kansas City is the longest I have ever called a place home, but even in KC, I changed stuff around. BVN and LMS were the only places I stayed for a long time. I switched churches, from Colonial to Heartland in a span of 3 years. I switched part time jobs, Nill Brothers, Gap, Wal-Mart pharmacy, Houlihan's. Two lasted a year and a half, two lasted 3 months. I'm realizing that this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't know if I'll ever call a place home because I'm use to moving so much.

I realize I'm babbling, but isn't that what the blog is for?

Someone asked me recently what I wanted my last 6 months to be marked by. I told him that there were things I still needed to learn, about myself, about leadership, about ministry. I told him that I wasn't hesitant about going further on the transformational journey, which is a new feeling. And I told him what I really wanted my last 199 days to be marked as investing in friendships.

For example, Kristen. I feel like I've known Kristen the entire 3 years I have been here, but it has only been recently that I have gotten to know Kristen. I have felt like she and I could be soul mates...but we are still getting to know each other. I love spending time with her; she makes me laugh, she wants to fall more in love with Jesus and yet she still understands that we shouldn't live the closed off life. I feel like our friendship really took off on July 4 this year when we went to the city to see the Counting Crows and we both love that band. It was an amazing night and I can't wait to get to know her better over the next 6 months.

And of course there is Craig. We really do have a sibling relationship with each other and for a while we didn't hang out much because we both were in the midst of transitions, but I feel like there is an opportunity for us to become better friends. There are times when I'm sure like any sibling relationship we need space for each other (especially since he is on this kick where he believes he is an I on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test and I'm an off the chart E) but I really do enjoy having him in my life.

And then there is Toni. She and I have met through Axis (I tend to meet people there) and we clicked right away. We tend to do lunch once a month at Chili's (a staple restaurant for those of us who work at Willow) and yet I feel like she and I could continue to be friends after I leave. I really want to get to know her better and see what happens in 199 days.

Of course though, I want to continue in my friendships with Viv, Cookie, Sara, Nicky, and my boys (Scotty, APes, Chick, Tobs, Tobs, Potter). My life wouldn't be the same without these people.

It's weird to be spending a major holiday without my family, without being in KC. If it hadn't snowed today, I'd be tempted to drive home. But I'm excited to be here, celebrating it with the Millers and enjoying the house to myself.

All this was said in order for me to say HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING. There is a lot to be thankful for this year. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for that has happened today, this week, this month, this year. It will draw you closer to the heart of God, which is where I believe transformation can really begin to happen.

a glimpse into a side of me most don't get to see

Hi, my name is Meghan, and I am a closet musical junkie.

There, that feels better.

I don't know if many of you knew that about me, but it's true. I love musicals. I love the set designs, I love the costumes, I love the music and the talent that comes from the stage. I love seeing people who most likely have to work two jobs because they cannot afford to live off their passion, give it their all in order for people to get lost in the story. I get their passion, and because my money situation is tough right now, I understand how that passion often pushes you to go beyond the current boundary you have for yourself.

I own soundtracks of musicals, both live shows and movies that I listen to and sing along with. I've seen only a handful, but I love going to them. There is the little actress inside me that was stifled long ago when a friend told me during our 8th grade play that I was only given the part because I looked like the character (curses to you Ashley Moore). After that, I didn't want to do it because I didn't believe I had the talent to do it.

My friend Craig wants me to do spoken word pieces for Axis and the first time I did it I was so scared because I didn't think I could do it. I loved it, I hope he asks me to do it again sometime.

"Wicked", "Les Miserables" and "Mamma Mia" are all coming to Chicago. I'd do anything to see all of them. My hope is that I get to, I just need to save up the cash to go. Until then, I'll continue to sing along in my car to CD's of shows I wish I had the talent to be in.

Becoming a bit sentimental

It's late.

It's 1:46 am, and I should be in bed, asleep, but I can't sleep.

Perhaps I'm still buzzing off the amazing set U2 played tonight on SNL and it's a reminder of how I will do almost anything to go to their next concert. I'd even be willing to come to KC for it.

Perhaps it's because I met with my mentor today and her words of amazing wisdom are still rolling around in my head.

And because I can't sleep and I don't have a fun book to read (I'm taking suggestions), I decided to look at pictures. These were pictures of my years in college. My freshman year -- the dorm, Ichthus, a Young Life retreat that involved Silent Football, my sophomore year -- trip to the Bahamas with a friend I don't talk to any more and photos of her wedding for that fact, my junior year -- living with two girls I couldn't stand and yet living with one girl that recently we opened the lines of communication again and I can't wait to see her in December when I am home, and finally my senior year -- dinners at the Leavenworth house to a trip to London (where my heart still longs to live) and a pub crawl that was great. There are people in these pictures that I can't remember who they are (well, I remember first names, like Michael ____ who was going to be a doctor and lived with John Pryor...anyone?) but I remember that they were so much a part of my life that I couldn't live without them.

And for some reason some old high school pictures were added into the mix, which pushed me back further. Once again I am reminded of people that I couldn't live without, people who encouraged me and sometimes crushed my spirit in the same breath. The names are a little harder, but the sentiment is still there.

I'm currently learning how to continually surrender and grieve the relationships in my core/committed/connected circles of life and I'm realizing that as I head home in a couple of weeks, there are people I want to see so that my soul will continue to be alive while I am there (Tiff, Bri, Van, Kelly, Brooklyn, Kim), people I need to see because of fund raising (Kim, the Franz's, Brenda) and people I long to see because I miss them and want to hear how they are doing (Christina, Wes, Chris, Leslee, Matt and Robbie, Tipton and Becca, Amy).

I know I'm in a needy, vulnerable spot right now, and I'm okay with that, but there is a part of my soul that is crying because I miss these people so much, but the other part is asking how do you continue on after so many years, after some hurts, and after so much change. Even though I am a bit sentimental at 1:46 am, I'm realizing I still have so much to learn about relationships in general.

eek! a mouse

eek! a mouse
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

I just wanted everyone to see how freakin' cute my best friend's child is! I can't wait to see both of them in a month!

listening to...

could it be that the Father of glory

loves me more than I'll ever know

in this place

could i look to your face

and see beauty that makes my life glow

and i want to see

my Father of glory

A good laugh

I was on the phone last night with my friend Craig. A back story on Craig and I:
He worked for Student Ministries North Shore and had a background in Young Life . I was curious about other organizations using Young Life's camps and wanted to have coffee with him. I scared him at first, and now we are friends. He's an actor, poet, writer, and an intern groupie. I am a writer, a person who loves actors and an actual intern. We get along great.

Back to last night...Craig has learned that calling me after 11 pm is a tricky thing because I tend to be asleep, but I was up last night. He asked me about my day, and I said I had gone shopping, spent some time with the Trinity, and watched trashy TV (American's Next Top Model and Nanny 911). He asked me who the Trinity was...

Now, I was taken aback because he works for a church and a Christian university. He thought I meant Viv, Cookie and myself...I actually meant God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. T-h-e TRINITY. I was about to break back into Evangelical Christian mode.

Still, I laugh out loud...Besides, Viv, Cookie and I are the Three Amigos...get the nickname right at least.

I needed this...

I had breakfast this morning with my dear friend Sara. I love Sara. She and I had a deep connect from the very first time we met. We started the program at the same time and we sat next to each other at Sheryl's house and it was a connect right away. We laugh and cry and have great conversations over good beer in St. Paul together often. So we went to Egg Harbor and had some great breakfast because it's hard not to have a good breakfast at Egg Harbor. And as she walked in, I noticed that a leader I use to serve along with in Elevate was also coming into Egg Harbor. I excused myself from my table and went to give him a hug.

I loved serving with this man. He was so much, so encouraging, such a servant and I thoroughly enjoyed being around him. He made my time at Elevate so enjoyable. In fact, all my leaders did (once we got past 3 months where it was so hard) and I wouldn't trade my time with them for the world. Actually, I wanted to bring all of them with me when I transferred to Oasis and Champions.

As I went in to give him a hug, he said the following "I miss your leadership". And something inside my soul jumped for joy. There were so many mistakes I made while I was at Elevate, and I own those. It was the hardest season I've ever had in ministry (my whole second year was tough) and now 6 months after I left, I hear those encouraging words that I didn't mess up, that I wasn't a failure, that I was valued. We both said we should catch up some time and he went to his table and I went back to mine.

My breakfast with Sara was amazing. Talks about Denver, friends, life, school crap, etc. It was what my soul needed. But let me tell you, those words that my old leader spoke to me will be the encouraging words I needed for this week. It was amazing.

Trust me, I'm in a good place right now. A major season of conflict resolution has ended well. Oasis ended last night until January and I have all of Thanksgiving off. Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I had grown, that I have changed, and I'm so much more of who I was created to be that I love it. I'm doing really well and those words still had a huge impact on me.

Encouragement is so hard for some people, especially if they didn't grow up with encouragement in their families. But try it. Tell someone how much they really mean to you. Send someone a piece of real mail, one that requires a stamp and the postal system. Pick up the phone and make someone's day...You have no idea what it will do for them, you have no idea what it will do for you.

To fill you in on my weekend

Not that it was anything exciting, but you know, I thought that someone might enjoy knowing what I did over this weekend.

Friday, I called Van to wish her a happy birthday. Unfortunately, her present didn't get mailed on time, and now it's just sitting on my desk begging to be sent. Hopefully I can put it in the mail this week sometime.

I've been working on my statement of faith, which is basically my senior thesis for my program. It was much harder than I thought and it's due on Friday, November 19th, which means I had to get it done this weekend. I spent Thursday evening trying to write something, but it was complete crap, so I had to start over again on Friday. I feel better about what I am writing now, but I won't know for a while if it's what the Bethel gods are looking for. I sure hope so...

Friday night I saw the second Bridget Jones movie. Please wait to see this movie until it comes to DVD or to your very fun $5 movie theater. It was the first one, which slightly different lines, but that's about all that changed. It wasn't worth the $8 I spent (thank God for student id's)...very disappointing.

Saturday, I had lunch with a friend and shopped for Christmas presents. With the financial situation being tough these days, I don't know what to give people. And thankfully I'm not in high school any more where I have to give to thousands of people, nor will I be receiving 12 years worth of Bath and Body Works scented lotion/soap/body spray/etc. I rented three movies: "Saved" (you are just jealous of my success in the Lord), "Lost in Translation" (Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be. Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.) and "God is good and I am not" (a French film, don't bother). I went to dinner with a friend (Hi Viv) and then watched Saturday Night Live (not funny...I miss the good old days of when it was funny...heck, that was last year).

Sunday, I finally watch "Lost in Translation". Very good...if you enjoy the art of film and not just movies, this is a great movie. "Garden State" reminds me of this film and I love them both. I went to Axis last night and it was an amazing program. Jarrett hit it out of the park last night. Hopefully it will be up soon so you can listen to. We talked about dating and it wasn't your typical dating talk, but how we tend to lose our identity when we do date. I would listen to it if you get a chance. Had Viv and Kristen over for dinner and watched "Scrubs".

It was a decent weekend and my soul feels very light from it. It looks like it's going to be a busy week. A vocab quiz, a paper, and my statement of faith is keeping me quite busy. Hope you are doing well...

And yes, I changed the blog color again...I like this better, but I don't know if I love it.

If you want to understand where I am coming from...

My friend Viv posted on her blog recently. One of the many things I love about her is that she understands American politics, and she isn't even American!! So, this simple post today is encouraging you to go to Viv's Site and understand a little more of what I have come to grasp about my politics over the past two and a half years.

Change is now a good thing

Change is like the new black...you should do it, you'll look slimmer while doing it, and it always adds some spice to your life.

First I changed my hair color...

Now I changed my blog color...

Let me know what you think. I can't quite decide how I feel about this change.

I'll take email geek for 200 please

Just a quick reminder of the email geek that I am...

I just emailed a friend of mine for the first time (he just got email). He's one of the few who will really laugh hard at Canadian corn, limousine margaritas, and of course the air c.

I keep checking my email because I'm waiting for him to write me back.

Hello, McFly! He's probably not sitting around waiting for you to email him so he can email you back.

These are the times when I realize I need a life.

Lyrics I can't get out of my head

So, I was listening to a cd that has random songs on it.

And by random, I mean it's playing country one moment and hip hop the next.

Anyways, I was listening to it as I was driving into work today and now I can't get some of the lyrics out of my head. This isn't a bad thing, but I often feel like so many artist are singing the songs of my heart. Somehow they have written down the things that I feel but haven't shared with anyone and these strangers know what I am saying. Here's an example of the songs I have in my head:

"You've crossed the finish line/Won the race but lost your mind/Was it worth it after all/I need you here with me/Cause love is all we need/Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall/Well I know what I've been told/Gotta break free to break the mold..."Lazlo Bane

"Last time I talked to you/You were lonely and out of place/Hope you remember me when you're homesick and need a change..." Our Lady Peace

"It does not bother me to say this isn't love/Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love/And I guess I'm going to have to live with that..."Counting Crows

I think it's stupid not to think that music doesn't influence who you are and what you think, but for me, I can't live without music. It's essential to who I am and for me, right now, it's touching a part of my soul that I can't get to...

The things we will do for Jesus

The things we will do for Jesus
Originally uploaded by kristenanne.

My friend Kristen took this picture at AXISPALOOZA last night. This is where we as a community reflect on the music that has impacted us over the past year. We have no idea what's gonna get played, what will happen, who will show up, but it's one of my favorite nights in the Axis year (running only behind the Axis retreat and worship nights).

God, I love this church....

And yes, that is my pastor in the sunglasses.

A great wedding...with a splash of drama

Allison, Scott, and Me
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

So, I had a blast at the wedding...you can check out the pictures on www.flickr.com.

I arrived to hang out with the bride and the bridesmaids at 11 am, watched them get their hair done, put on make-up and then drive to the church. We took pictures outside (it's already cold in Chicago) and hid from people.

The ceremony itself was awesome, so them (the recessional was the theme song to "West Wing"), a little John Denver, trouble bustling her dress and then off to the reception.

This is where the drama begins. I don't want to go into all the details, but the guest book didn't arrive with who it was suppose to, she ended up confronting me (I'm getting really good at confrontation these days), and drove home angry.

All in all it was a great evening and I felt so special being included on this special day.

By the way

Don't forget that "The OC" starts tonight...
Prepare for guilty pleasures!

Just thinking...

I graduated from high school in 1998, I graduated from college in 2002, and I'll graduate from my master's program in 2005...What ever happened to the people I knew in 1998?

Last night I was laying in bed last night, trying to go to sleep and a friend of mine from high school (go BVN) popped into my head. I haven't seen her since graduation, and if I'm honest, we didn't end on the best of terms either. My high school graduation wasn't anything spectactular. Our graduation song was "I Believe I can Fly" by R. Kelly, I got into a fight with parents, and the one person I wanted to be there said he wasn't coming and then he surprised me by being there. All and all, I was happy to graduate from high school, but I always thought I would keep in better contact with those I spent so much time with.

So I got to thinking about all my friends from high school, both at my school and people I knew from the Kansas City area because my high school youth group had people from both sides of the lines and so here are a list of people I wonder what they are doing with their life now...

• Bobby and Jeff A.
• Curt P.
• Chris C.
• Wes M.
• Whitney Y.
• Julia G.
• Jenny L.
• Christine H.
• Cully
• Chris L.
• Chris
• Brandon N.
• Brett O.

These aren't just random people, these are people I laughed with, cried with, drove around with, went to dances with, had crushes on...and I know I could find them on Classmates or Reunion, but that's not the same. I don't even know if they still are in KC, goodness knows I'm not, but I'm just curious to know what life looks like 7 years after you graduate.

Hello, my name is...Beloved

Shattered Dreams
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

It's cold in Chicago today and not just cold, but rainy, windy and cold. And I'm not saying that for sympathy sakes, I'm just letting you know the weather situation here.

For me, the past two and a half years have been a journey about finding out who I truly am. Of course, I always thought I knew who I was, but it wasn't until I began the internship here that I realized that I had no idea who I was. And when I got here and started meeting with Sheryl, we started on a journey of rebuilding my relationship with God the Father. I read books after books regarding this issue and eventually one that really spoke to me was "The Life of the Beloved" by Henri Nouwen. It's amazing (and short) and you should pick it up.

Recently, I've been working on my adolescent idealism towards the world, people, and relationships and I read "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb. One of the few books I have actually thrown across the room because I couldn't handle it any more. And I feel like I've gotten better at that, and I've worked through some of the issues there, but still, it's a slow process.

And then last night at Axis (www.generationaxis.com) Darrien spoke about the masks we wear in front of God, basically because we are afraid to let Him, our creator, see our real selves. And we had an opportunity to get a nametag for what we felt like God was saying to us, who He calls us. I moved towards the table of beloved, simply because this is my identity in the Trinity that I have understood the past two years. And so, when it all comes down to it, my highest dream, if I only knew it would be to fully live in a place where I could live out my belovedness and give it away to others at the same time. Isn't that what we are called to do? To build relationship, to love on one another, and to eventually share our lives with people? "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."

Good luck Radius this weekend on your retreat...oh how I wish I could be there and simply love on all of you...you will be in my heart and prayers.