maybe my friends are right

I love "What Not to Wear" on TLC. And out of all the reality shows I watch, this is the only one that I would be on.

Some people compliment me on my fashion sense and in all honesty, everything I've learned is from "What Not to Wear". Thanks to Stacy and Clinton, I've learned how to look like a 27 year old at work, keeping my style and look classic and not like a 47 year old. I've learned that it's okay to wear my grey suit with my eggplant color shoes (PS-I got so many compliments on my new grey suit yesterday, it was great). I've learned what fits my body and what works with it as opposed to what will only make it worse.

But no matter what people say, I totally still want to be on this show. It might have something to do with $5,000 and a trip to New York, but I don't know. At least then I could by my dream shoes.

Until then, I'll just dream that Stacy and Clinton are my best friends who are willing to tell me when I look like crap in an outfit.

good bye to you

Today, I realized that I needed to stop reading someone’s blog. Not because of something mean or hurtful they have said it in, but it feels to me like reading someone’s life that I have no idea about.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll read this blog or this one. And even if I don’t know them, I don’t feel like we’ve ever had a relationship or that it ended one day because they chose one path and I chose another.

The fact of the matter is that at one point, I did have a friendship with this person. And the day it ended comes to mind every now and then. I remember it as if it was yesterday…when I was replaced by someone else in their life. And today, as I read through their blog, I realized I have no idea what is going on in their life, and frankly, I don’t if I want to know.

By reading their blog, I’m just continuing self-masochist ways. Causing pain to myself because I feel like I can continue to be a part of their life by reading what’s going on through a blog.
Not through coffee or a drink, but through their blog. Let’s be real, that’s no way to "know" someone….it’s not even intimate.

So until I feel like I can safely distant myself from their blog and not wonder why all of the sudden we are no longer friends, I need to go on a fast. Maybe that’s the only way I can heal from this friendship ending unexpectedly.

An Open Letter to Nickelback

Dear Nickelback,
For the past three days, I have woken up with your latest song "Rock Star" stuck in my head. And trust me, this isn't how I have wanted to wake up.

I've tried to deny the fact that I do find your song catchy and true on many levels, but it wasn't until I saw the music video that I realized how much I do appreciate you new song.

But to the radio stations in the rest of the country, please stop playing it every 15 seconds or else I'm going to hate it as much as I hate James Blunt's song "Your Beautiful", and I don't know if I hate anything as much as that song.

Hugs and Kisses,
Megs

6 years ago

On September 8, I watched my best friend walk down the aisle and marry the man she would spend the rest of her life with. It was one of the better days of my life because I saw the happiness in her eyes, in her smile, in the way that held his hand.

Little did I know 3 days later, the safe little world I knew would be destroyed.

On September 11, I woke up knowing something important had happened that day but couldn't remember what. I showered, got ready for class and turned on the TV while I ate breakfast. What I saw was the world I knew crumbling beneath fear. I walked down the streets in Manhattan (Kansas) towards class, wondering why they were still happening.

I sat in the Union afterward, watching the huge TV as everything came into view. 2 building crumbled, a hole ripped into another building, and a plane disintegrated into the earth in Pennsylvania. And I for some reason felt the need to call my best friend because even though she and her husband were in Hawaii, I wanted to know that they were okay.

And now 6 years later, I don't feel any safer in the world. This summer, I saw what corruption can do to a government. I saw poverty unlike anything I have ever imagined, crimes that were unthinkable, and yet I felt safe.

And then I came back to the states.

And all I've wanted since I've been back is Kenya. Why, when I have the safeness of the states, do I want to go back to a place that is anything but safe?

Is September 11 becoming a distant memory for me, or is it a reality that I don't know what to do with? Unfortunately, I don't have the answers. I don't think war was/is a solution to feeling safe, I don't think that pulling troops or adding more is the answer either. Nor is a new Democratic president a solution. In reality, it's going to take a lot for the world to feel like it did on that fall day 6 years ago. And perhaps, the reality is that it may never feel that way again...and maybe I'm going to have to live with that.

A little over a year ago

I wrote about how I was freaking out because I was asked to help with the marketing department while the marketing director was on maternity leave.

At the time, I had no idea what I was doing nor did I feel qualified to help. I have no background in marketing, and why I was chosen, I still have no idea.

Today I found out that she is having baby number 2 this afternoon. And while I am not freaking out as I did a year ago, I still feel like I am in for a doozy of a time. Doing it all by myself...again.

At least this time I feel prepared for it.

finding a piece of heaven

I don't know why I never knew about it earlier, but I have recently discovered Austin City Limits. Recently is an overstatement because every once and a while, I would stumble across this programing on PBS that would play great music live and 2 bands at once.

Tonight is a great example. I'm currently listening to Death Cab for Cutie and soon My Morning Jacket. From what I can understand, it's an intimate setting, where bands play a few songs and then another great band comes on. I mean, this might be my mecca.

I'm grateful that I keep finding this on Tuesday nights. Tuesday nights watching PBS. Kind of reminds me of listening to NPR on Sundays while doing sudoku and drinking coffee. Yep, it's definitely a trait of the inner grandma.

A House Divided

This Saturday, college football starts. Which means fall unofficially starts on Saturday. However, this Saturday, something greater is happening in the world.

Instead of your typical pansy-ass game that K-State starts with, we are starting with a true challenge. Kansas State will play in the 6:45 ESPN game versus Auburn.

This game also holds familial significance as well. My sister and brother-in-law graduated from Auburn. I graduated from K-State. This is a house divided game. We bought my dad 2 "dad" shirts, one from Auburn, one from K-State and my sister put them together. This way, he doesn't have to decide which team is better (though, I fully know he believes K-State is the better team).

So, in 4 days, I'm flying to Atlanta so that Saturday we all can go watch the game live and proud, celebrating a house divided.

GO CATS!!

oh yes, that is a pick up in my driveway

This morning, I was lucky, I got to sleep in a little. Why? Because I had jury duty this morning. So I started driving toward the courthouse, eating an apple and giving myself plenty of time to find everything I needed.

Unfortunately, I didn't get past Cherry Creek this morning.

On the way to jury duty, I rear-ended the car in front of me. I did plenty of good damage to the front of my car (the hood is bent, something is supposedly wrong with the radiator, my front license plate was a good 5 feet in front of my car). The car I hit, there was damage to their bumpers, and the car they hit, well, they didn't have any damage.

Thankfully, the cop I dealt with was incredible. She was nice and funny and really understood that shit like this happens. She did have to give me a ticket though. I finally got to the car repair place at 10 this morning and then I finally just got home from my car rental experience.

Right now, Enterprise has no economy cars. For the time being, I'm driving a red Dodge Ram pick up 4x4. I'm not a truck kind of girl (a SUV girl, yes, truck, not really). And it's sitting currently in my driveway. So until Enterprise gets me an economy car, I'll be driving my pick up in style.

Still, I can't decide what was worse, jury duty or the accident. I honestly thing it's half of one and 6 of the other.

comment control

There are many reasons I love comment control. One is so that when people leave beautiful, kind comments anonymously, I share them with the public (even though I wish I knew who they were).

However, when people leave jackassy ones that are just mean and uncalled for, I have every right to deny and just let it go.

So to whomever attempted to leave the a jackass comment yesterday, you'll notice you are denied...sorry buddy, there is a reason I don't have jackass-like people in my life, you are just one of the many reminders of why that is a good decision.

OH...MY...GOD

I'm enjoying a peaceful evening home, catching up on blogs when I came across Jeni's blog. Jeni and I went to middle school and high school together.

In her very first blog that I saw referenced the fact that my 7th grade science teacher was accused of having child porn.

OH...MY...GOD...

Here's the thing, he creeped me out so much in 7th grade. He had a dead cat as his hall pass. I always felt uncomfortable around him, but what was I suppose to do? He was strange but never did anything specific to me.

I had another teacher who was creepy in high school and thankfully he never did anything to me. I just wrote him off as creepy...who knows what either one of them did to fellow students while I was in school.

I grew up in what was considered a safe part of town. You could leave your doors unlocked and not worry about it. Things seemed normal, the only thing that you were told to avoid was the bike trail because supposedly people had been attacked. But never once was I afraid to be alone.

Who knows what could happen next...but I'm now reconsidering having kids, but I don't know if that is the solution either.

Update letter to Acura

In a recent letter to Acura, I made mention of how my dome light was now working and I simply wanted their powers to stop messing with me and my dome light.

Last night as I was getting into my car, it stopped working again. After working solid for 1 week, I was pretty stoked that it was going to work again...forever (or until the bulb burnt out, whichever came first).

Seriously, this is getting old. So, Acura, please stop hijacking my dome light. I'd like it back.

why what goes around comes around

Okay, many conservative Christians will find it hard to believe that I completely believe in karma. I believe that you get what you sow. You put out good vibes into the world, you get good vibes back. You put out shitty vibes, you get shit back.

I think it happens all the time...with parking spaces, people you meet, the grocery store.

Today is a perfect example. As I walking to a site check, I found some guy's wallet...or at least part of it. I wanted to make sure he got it back, not only for the 2 Old Navy gift cards, but also so that he didn't have to cancel his credit cards and worry about what someone might do with it. I called the University in which he attended and got his number (I was surprised how easily they gave it out). I called him to let him know that I had it and he should stop by and pick it up (especially since I'm going camping this weekend).

He came by my office today to pick up the wallet and left me a Starbucks gift card as a thank you...along with this note "Thanks a ton! Have a great weekend and I hope the karma pays you back".

All I can say is that I was doing something I would hope someone would do for me. It wasn't out of character to return it to him (though I was tempted to keep the Old Navy gift cards).

Here's the thing though. Ever since I've been back from Africa, I feel more relaxed, more centered, less spiny. Things I've waited to fall into place are being to and I feel like life is taking a much needed turn. The healing process is over from the last 2 years and I'm ready to take steps forward and in new directions.

Maybe my karma is changing, but all I know is I'm enjoying the ride and looking forward to what could be next.

an open letter to Acura

Dear Acura,
I love my car. It's a 2000 TL which has been a great vehicle for me to get from point A to point B. However, I do have a complaint.

In December of 2006, Denver was abused by multiple snow storms. Abused might be too strong of a word, but it definitely put a damper on the winter. Ever since the first snow storm (oh that's right, we had multiple), my dome light stopped working. I assumed that the bulb had burned out (I mean, it has been over 7 years) and I never got around to changing out the bulb. However, on the first day we had over 50 degrees, my dome light magically started working again. So, maybe it wasn't burned out. And then it stopped working again. By this point, I didn't care.

Sunday, though, after it stormed in Denver and I was soaked from being at one of the better concerts I've seen, my light started working again. It has consistently worked for the last 2 days. It's starting to freak me out. I don’t know if your company has magical powers to turn my dome light off and on, but if you can make sure it stays one way or the other, I'd appreciate it.

Hugs and kisses,
Megs

I'm back

And I've been back since last Thursday. And the past week has been hard, harder than I thought it would be.

There are moments when I'm so glad to be back. To have the ability to take a shower, lay in the ac, check email, etc...these are things to be grateful for. However, in the same breath, I miss Kenya. I miss tusker, samosas, and chapati. I miss Bri like crazy. I miss Jen, Josie, Jodi, Joolee and Sarah...I almost feel like I knew who I was more while I was in Kenya.

Here's what I realized about me:

• There are still people I think about, whether I want to or not. In fact, I had a dream about one of them, a dream that was pretty significant, however I can't share it with her. She hasn't pursued me in over a year, why the hell should I tell her about it.
• That my job is something I need/want to settle in the near future (defining near future is harder than I thought). Is it time to change or to realize that my job is providing the means for the life I really want.
• That I'm grateful for the life I have and the life I want.

But, life continues on. I go to concerts (I saw Ryan Adams' last night and loved every minute of it), I get haircuts, I take naps.

And I laugh:


But until things settle down, be prepared for the scattered.

I made it safe and sound...there is an update on www.meghaninkenya.blogspot.com

Hope you are well :)

What you should know about the upcoming month

First of all, I am not dead, missing, or extremely busy. I'm busy, but not busy enough to write.

However, I am preparing for an experience of a lifetime. I leave tomorrow for Kenya. I can't believe it's finally here. I reread my first blog on my Kenya site and realized that I've been dreaming about this day since September. And now it's here. Not just here, but HERE.

I'm packing, cleaning, preparing all day long. I can't believe it's finally come to this.

I wanted to let you know what to expect in the next month. If you read one blog, you'll probably see the same on the other. Perhaps this is lame, I'm okay with it. It's just easier to keep up one blog when you are paying for your Internet time.

So wish me luck, keep in touch, and keep reading...Kenya, here I come!

a rant to the fashion world

Dear people who create in the fashion world,
While I am sure all the stick thin people of the world, who have no hips, no boobs, no curves on their bodies love t-shirts that could equal as dresses and the shortest shorts in the world, the rest of the general population hate it.

I am included in the population that hates it.

I realize that I have hips (which I love) and boobs (which, according to Sara, are some of best features). I also realize that I have a short torso and longer legs. The whole shirt/dress feature does not work for me. I am also a person who loves linen pants, pants in general, pants that come to the floor, that fray slightly after a couple of wears because they are too long. Why the hell aren't stores carrying normal shirts and pants?

Please fix this and fix it soon...I'm tried of not being able to shop at stores.

Hugs and kisses,
Meghan

Is that you?

A while ago, I had perhaps the nicest comment I've ever had on my blog.

I don't know if it's the same person who left the latest anonymous comment, but I hope so...because it was so nice.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Why June 13, 14, & 15 hold significance for me

I realized recently that the middle of June holds greater significance then I ever knew.

5 years ago on June 13, I walked into a stranger's house not knowing what to expect. I chose a seat near the windows, and 2 people sat down next to me. Little did I know that these people would change my life forever. David and Sara Worley have not only become dear, dear friends, they have become family members I can't imagine my life without. Constantly they invite me into their lives, their daughter's life, their house...5 years ago, I sat down next to 2 of the greatest people in the world and forever changed my view of what love looked like.

2 years ago on June 15, I pulled into a new town filled with expectation and hope. I slept in a new bedroom, in a new apartment that would simply become home. I had so many desires for what this town would hold, could hold, should hold. However, those desires, dreams, whatever you want to call them, were shattered within the first weekend. Pain that I've never experienced before, betrayal I thought would never happen, lies that surmounted all truth entered into Denver and then changed my view. While I've stayed and slowly true friends like Jared, David, and Sara have shone through, Denver's not the place I expected, yet found a new level stability for me to stand on.

1 year ago on June 14, I pulled into a driveway of an office building not knowing what the next hour would hold. I made the choice about 2 weeks earlier that I needed someone outside of my life to prove to me that I wasn't crazy. That what was happening (people manipulating me, saying one thing and doing something else) was truly happening and I wasn't imagining it. Thankfully, 1 year ago on June 14 I met my therapist, Mark, who changed my life. He was amazing then and is amazing now...

3 totally different dates, multiple years, however 3 significant days in my life. Perhaps good things do in 3's...I'm forever grateful to each one because they shaped me differently. As for these 3 days this year, who knows, but I'm open to the possibility of change.

the edge of possibility

Recently, I've been rediscovering what the edge of possibility looks like. In potential new friends, late night conversations, in work...yes, even in work. And while I want new things to blossom, I need to remember to take it slow because I have no idea how everything will pan out.

What's amazing to me is that I leave for Kenya in 25 days. In 25 days, I'll be flying across the Atlantic to discover a land that I know nothing about but have only seen in pictures. In 25 days, I'll open myself up to 8 new people who know nothing about me but together we are going to discover new parts of who we are.

But between now and then, I've got things I need to do. Life doesn't stop on the edge of possibility.

Oh, and...

I got picked for jury duty 9 days before I leave for Kenya...I really hope I can get out of it...I really don't need to be on jury duty.

the week in review

Last Saturday, I flew to Washington DC to visit my best friend and her family. They have been living in Virgina while her husband finished up FBI training (I know, I still think it's cool and dangerous every time I think about it).

However getting there was a story in and of itself. I missed my flight on Saturday morning, and so I didn't get into DC until 11:00 pm that night. I had one full day with them, and while it was shorter than I would have hoped or liked, it still did so much good for my soul because I loved being with them.

Once I got back I had a busy week between work and family dinners. We celebrated individual accomplishments and just enjoyed each others company. I had an event that lasted all day on Thursday which made me exhausted.

Thursday night, I went to see Wicked with a co-worker. Well, it was suppose to be Thursday, but the tickets were actually for Tuesday night. Thanks to great customer service, we were able to see the show. I really do love that musical.

On Friday night, I went to see Mason Jennings with my friend Christen and her friend Beth up in Boulder. After enjoying some Illegal Pete's (mmm...Illegal Pete's), we went to the show. It was so packed, but we had met one of the security guys at Pete's so we convinced him to let us upstairs to the VIP lounge. Once we got up there, not only was the view good, it was much cooler. Unfortunately, the show wasn't all that great.

After leaving the show, we decided to track down Jon Benet Ramsey's house because, well it's Boulder and who hasn't wondered where it is. After finding it and being scared out of our mind, we drove back home.

All in all, it was a good week. I spent today cleaning my house and taking a nap, which means tomorrow I get to go shoe shopping. I needed this weekend to recover from this week.

Oh, and I leave for Kenya in 32 days...yeah, I freak out every time I think about it too.

I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there

For some reason, I'm really enjoying John Mayer's new CD. Maybe because I feel like some of it is written from my own heart (it might have something to do with the fact that I get to see him in less than a month...with Ben Folds). Case in point:
In Repair by John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in the park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh i'm never really ready, yeah, oh, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

Once in awhile, when it's good/It'll feel like it should*

When I'm ready
I'll be able to say everything that is true
of what I experienced
When I'm ready
Because what I realized yesterday
is that this is deeper than
I ever thought

But my hope is that the steps
I'm taking
Will eventually get me to a place where I can say
"Once in awhile, when it's good/It'll feel like it should"

So until then,
I'll believe that
it will feel like it should,
because I've lost that hope.

*taken from John Mayer's song Stop this Train

Revisiting that TIVO issue

Somehow today while programing my VCR to tape my shows, I somehow jacked with the time.

Meaning that when I got home tonight, the VCR time showed 4:30 pm, not 10:47 pm.

Which means that I've missed the season finales of The Office and Grey's.

This is totally a sign that I need TIVO.

Don't tell me what happens on either...I have to watch Grey's online and I don't know what I am going to do about The Office (step on my George Forman when I get out of bed tomorrow probably).

Grrr....

a note on why this might be my best summer concert series ever.

As you all know, I LOVE music. It's a passion of mine, only topped by my passion for concerts. Every summer is spent trying to get to concerts, watching the fans, enjoying the live music, being captured by Colorado's beauty.

This summer, however, might be the best summer I've ever spent at concerts. Here's the list of fabulous people I'll be seeing:

John Mayer
Ben Folds
Rocco Delucca
The Fray
Patty Griffin
Ryan Adams
Old 97's

My friend J is joining me for 2 of these shows because he is my concert going buddy. The only thing that might make this summer better is a Counting Crows/Guster combo. If that happened, I might die.

oh, and...

This inspired me last week...I wish I could be brave like this

this is why I need tivo

On Thursday, 3 of my favorite shows are having their season finales.

The Office, Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy.

Thankfully, NBC is showing The Office at 7:00 pm. However, Scrubs and Grey's will be run at the same exact time. Which wouldn't typically be a problem considering I'm home on Thursday nights. But I have to work on Thursday night, which means I have to tape all of my shows. (do you see the problem yet?)

With Grey's and Scrubs showing at the same time, I am forced to tape one and not the other. And of course the one time I need ABC to show Greys on Friday, they aren't showing it.

Thankfully my friend Sara has decided to save Scrubs for me but it makes me really sad that I can't watch it live (especially if that becomes the series finale).

If anyone wants to buy me TIVO, I'd be forever indebted to you...

Summer is...

Vanilla Dr. Peppers from Sonic
Driving will every window open
Sunglasses
Farmer's Markets
Skirts every day
flip flops
tank tops
baseball games
camp fires
camping
Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry"
pedicures
iced tea
tan lines
frisbee golf every night
Red Rocks
sleeping with the windows open

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. -- Charles DuBois

Courage is something I don't think most people are born with. And if you are born with courage, at some point, you lose it.

My friend J recently posted a blog on his experience in living in Denver. Why he came, what happened once he arrived, where he sees himself going. That takes courage. Especially because some people will deny what his experience was like or that they have any part in his pain.

However, while I know that my story is so similar to J's, the part that causes me to get is angry is when people leave in the midst of the pain. People saw J, myself, others in the midst of the pain and they did nothing. No, that's not true, the contributed more pain. Instead of sitting in the pain, in the midst of feeling crazy, they convinced me that I was crazy. They refused to hear the other side of the story. Because it was too painful for them.

While I wish I had the courage to call these people out and let them know that I don't understand why after years of relationship building how they can walk away. That when I trusted them with my soul, they decided to piss all over it.

So until I can muster up the courage to tell these people what happened through my eyes, I'm grateful for the 3 people who have stuck by me through it all. I love you each dearly...DW, Sara, and J. You each make my days brighter.

the most authentic thing I've read

My friend Jared recently posted on his experience in moving to Denver. And while I've only danced around the issue, never fully putting it in writing what exactly happened when I moved here, he says exactly what did (at least in his own life).

To get a taste of what his experience was like and to read the most authentic piece I've read in a while, please go here.

I've never been prouder

My celebrity boyfriend is hosting the season finale for Saturday Night Live.

Guess who is ecstatic?

Guess who is planning on actually watching the entire episode, no matter how painful the players make it?

No matter what, I still love him.

maybe I am psychic

Yesterday as we were planning out our camping trips, we had the Kentucky Derby on so we could appreciate the race.

Let me be honest, I know nothing about horse racing. DW tried to teach me once, and I know a little, but this is where my girl comes out. I pick horses based upon their names and then odds. Yesterday was no different.

I wanted to choose Iamawildandcrazyguy (it really was a horse's name). But the odds were too high for me. So instead, I chose Street Sense.

Who won the Derby? Street Sense.

Had I put the $20 I had on the race for a win, I would have won $118. I think I'm psychic.

In other news, I'm not dead. I just haven't had anything to say (this is what happens when one become done). I'm sure eventually I will have more to say...I'm not ready right now...

hmmm....

Many of you know that I hate to take a risk. I'm afraid of not being in control, of not knowing what will happen at the end. My best friend often says I will marry someone who doesn't like structure and time tables...a risk taker.

I came across this quote this afternoon and it made me ponder risks:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
- Unknown

Right now more than anything, I need to be free. I'm hoping by taking the little risks I am these days, I can find it because I'm starting to feel trapped again.

define relax....

This is where I stayed this weekend. I spent much of the time in the multiple hot tubs, relaxing to the point where time actually stopped.

I laughed with coworkers, drank drinks and ate really good food. I felt so good after the weekend that I was almost too relaxed.

I heard people for themselves and not for what they do in the company. Lines similar to "who broke into my room and put socks on my teeth and why did they only leave one box of pringles?" (of course that person will remain anonymous).

Thank you Uncle Bank for giving me a great weekend where I actually felt like good was done to my soul. I really think I need to go back at least once a quarter to get that experience because it has been too long since I have felt this good.

Finally, someone understands

my love for Zach...

The blog I want to write

Isn't fully possible right now.

Mostly because I, myself, don't know exactly what I mean or what I want to say. And every time I go through it in my head, I can't explain it to myself.

Which leaves me even more frustrated, heartbroken, and angry.

And last night, as I watched American Idol, one of the woman sang Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" and I started bawling.

So until I can figure out what the hell I truly mean, this has to be my prayer:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

86 days

I can't believe that I leave for Kenya in 86 days.

In 86 days, my life will be changed forever.

In 86 days, my friendship with Bri will go to a whole new level.

However, in 21 days, all of my money is due for my trip. And if I were Bri, this wouldn't be an issue.

But for me it is.

I have 17 days till I need to transfer all of my money out of my account and write a big check. And I'm still needing to raise $2,100. I'm willing to put it on my credit card or dip into the savings I have, but still that's a lot of money.

I'm confident it will happen, in some fashion, but if you are contemplating giving, please visit my site before the 17 days are up and donate to my trip. Because when you give, you come with me on my trip...and I'd love to have you there.

Easter time again...

As a young child, thankfully, I never walked in on my parents. While I know some of my friends have, my eyes were never exposed to that.

What does this have to do with Easter? I think last year's Easter could be described as a similar feeling.

When I climbed the fire escape to join some people, I walked into a room where I didn't belong. The entire room felt as if I was the odd man out. I was out of place and realized that I wasn't suppose to be, much what I suppose it feels like to walk in on your parents.

I think it was in that moment I realized what was actually going on within the community I had supposedly joined. I realized it was over. While I had feelings of what might be going on for a while, it was last Easter that truly solidify what I had been feeling.

This Easter is different. I'm spending the morning doing laundry, cleaning my house, and getting ready for church tonight. I'm having dinner with friends and then going to the mansion to house sit for the next two weeks.

I'm hoping this Easter can redeem the failure that last Easter was because the icky feeling that comes with remembering needs to be removed.

perhaps my greatest excitement today

I love him, I do...

just to let the whole world

I'm sick and tired of dealing with shame...I kinda wish I could trade it in for another core issue...

On Becoming a Domestic Goddess

In my previous life, I would spend Saturdays lounging around, getting coffee, doing nothing...however after purchasing the house, things have changed.

This Saturday proves this point. On my list of things to do, laundry, go to Home Depot, clean the top level of my house, watch the new sofa be delivered and maybe go to the grocery store.

I think the most surprising thing on that list is going to Home Depot. I have to buy pots and soil to replant some housewarming gifts. I've never had a green thumb, I once killed a plastic plant. So having four living things in my house and I feel like I'm neglecting them. Oh, and I need hedge clippers because supposedly I have a couple of rose bushes on my back porch. It all feels a little daunting to me.

So, I'm off to the Depot. I'm hoping I can navigate my way around the store. I have a strong suspicion that the Depot is like a drug, you can't just get away once.

Got 14 minutes to spare?

Then watch this video sent to me by my friend Sara (perhaps the best part, the wonderful graphics done in microsoft paint):

$3275

I just received my final tab for the trip and this is how much I have left to raise.

I often fear that I'm not going to make it. My friend Bri is a rockstar and only has like $380 left to raise. She's kicking ass and taking names as she gets all of her funds in way before she even has to.

I'm trying to remain faithful, that it will all come together, but sometimes it's hard to remember...

So, still looking for donors...near and far. Please consider giving...go here.

I'm feeling that I could get desperate really quick and I don't want to be desperate.

I felt so loved this weekend

In 2005, I had the best birthday. Friends sitting around a dinner table, not needing to carry the conversation, but letting the conversation flow, enjoying each other, feeling loved in ways I had never experienced.

In 2006, well, it sucked. I couldn't understand why people who had never had a desire to be in relationship with me showed up. Granted, I did invite them, but they could have said no. I sat there and watched 2 women come late and leave early and I thought I was friends with these people. 2 men hijacked my TV to watch the basketball games instead of celebrating me, because the silence was too much to bear. What we did afterward, I don't remember, and trying to forget that birthday is worth it.

However, this year was beautiful. Thursday night, I started off with dinner with friends. We went to the Cricket, enjoyed burgers and beers, laughing, talking and simply being. It felt like a family dinner. Friday I took off from work, i wanted to celebrate my day fully. I slept in, watched Dawson's Creek, made the best breakfast burrito ever, went to the Container Store, lunch with Sara and then to the DU gymnastics meet. It was great...Saturday night we went to the Front Porch, drank for free (at least I did), laughed, danced and felt appreciated.

That's the word...appreciated.

In the last year, in friendships that ended, as I reflected back I realized I wasn't appreciated. These people walked over me, told me that I matter, yet never showed it. While I fought for our friendship, asked for the hard conversations, wanted to sit in honesty, they did not. And while I grieved that on my birthday, what I know now is that Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights were all about being appreciated.

So to all that participated, thank you...it made my year and makes me truly want to live into 2007.

mmm...doughnuts....

These are the mornings I miss Chicago. Here's why...

Starting tomorrow, I'm actually taking Bob Green's book seriously. And maybe by telling the entire world this, I'll actually stay on top of it. Getting more exercise, eating better, taking vitamins are all on the list of things I need to do. I'm really hoping 2007 can be a year marked by wholistic health, and while I've made progress on mental and emotional health (thanks to my therapist) and relational health (thanks to my friends), I still need to get the physical health side down.

But today feels like the last day to get everything in. And while Bob Green is amazing and doesn't put those types of restrictions on your eating the very first 4 weeks (see, he understands that it's more than just changing your eating, he knows it's deeper than that), I want to gorge today. And what I want right now are delicious, full of fat, chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnuts from Dunkin' Doughnuts and a cup of French Vanilla Coffee. Damn you Colorado for only having 1 in Colorado Springs. I'm desperate, but not that desperate to drive 2 hours for a doughnut.

I guess I'll just have something good here...boo.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” -- Abraham Lincoln

27...late 20's...3 years till 30.

So this is what it means to be an adult. To buy a home, make a career change, to become more mature.

When the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve, my thought was 2007 can only be better than both 2005 or 2006 combined. Both had been horrible years, years I'd like to forget.

And so far 2007 has been better. I've made better choices, choices that are best for me and my development. I took a risk and bought a home and every day I wake up knowing that I love it more and more than I ever could. I accepted a new job offer (in the same company), one that is going to challenge me for days to come. I've looked across tables into friends eyes, knowing that I want to be with them for the rest of my life, no matter how hard or easy it gets.

My hope for my 27th year is that I live into it fully. That with every day, I realize for everything I am grateful for. That even in the hard moments, when my life is spinny, I will rely on friends who continually support me. That I will release the bitter feelings towards those who hurt me in the year past, especially those I thought were my friends. I want to take a photography class, I want to run another 5k (at the end of April). To go to Kenya and feel the risk of having my life changed completely.

So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world.

too good not to pass on

my friend Sara shared this with me last night and I can't stop playing it... enjoy!

Some where along the way

When I started this in July of 2004, I only had a few goals:

1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis. (basically, I was tired of sending -- or claiming to send -- support letters to my supporters during my internship. This way, people could read how I was doing, what I was doing on a daily basis)

2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you. (Which I have, I could have created an iMix based upon all the music I've put on here, opened up a library with all the great quotes I've used. But I wanted to share the cultural experience I was having with others)

3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently. (This has become my place to process).

So, along the way, I've somehow had over 20,000 readers. While I understand some of the people who read this (people in Kansas City, Chicago, Denver), it's the people in Spain, Africa, India, China, England that shock me. How did they ever find me and what got them reading? I've processed almost everything on here, my 2nd and 3rd year of the internship, my decision to move to Denver, the disappointment in moving to Denver, the beautiful friends that have stuck by me in Denver, the ones who blatantly turned their back on me, the random quotes, the random stories.

Where will the next 20,000 take me? I have no idea. It's taken me almost 3 years to get 20,000 readers, so in 2010, who knows where I'll go.

But thanks for stopping by and reading. It's pretty damn cool if you think about it.

I don't know who you are

But whomever left the anonymous comment on my blog last night, I thank you. Your words, were felt deep in my soul and my tears that fell could only express the hope I felt. So thank you...you have no idea how much it meant to me to hear those, especially if they came from someone I don't know...

"Someday you will hear that ... or something to that effect. The expressiveness in your words speaks of a heart that is a bottomless ocean of love, intelligence and tenderness ... someday, someone will be wise enough to appreciate and cherish it."

Is it wrong?

That I want this in my life, for my birthday, for someone to speak this to me? Is that too much to ask for on the eve of 27?


Tell Her This by Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

why today did good for my soul

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that my last week was rough. It had to do with the lies in my head, lies that were perpetrated by my experience in Denver. When these lies are given fuel, they often spiral my life out of control. Tuesday and Wednesday were hell for me.

Friday night, I spent some time at my house, relaxing and then going to play perhaps one of the greatest games ever. I went to bed early, knowing that Saturday would require me to get some stuff done. Saturday I needed to do some laundry, unpack some boxes, put some stuff away. I got groceries, nothing big, but needed...desperately. My friend J is dating this great girl and she invited us to a party. We went, dressed as cowboys and had a great time. I went home around 6:30, exhausted and wanted some space. I went to bed early because J and I were going to mountains this morning.

However, those plans were thwarted by both J and I. Instead, here's how I spent today. I made breakfast, I went to Target, I sat on my front porch, listening to music and enjoying the 65 degree weather. I read a magazine, I bought a new trashcan and I'm now watching the selection show.

What does this all mean? It doesn't mean that my soul is automatically better in light of the last week. It does mean that I'm starting off this week in a good place, a better place than last week. It means that I feel hope-filled to celebrate my birthday with friends and free drinks. It hopefully means enjoying my Friday off by sleeping in, going shopping and just enjoying the day.

So here's to my front porch, my 65 degree weather, and to the sunshine and blue skies...here's to making my week, my birthday week better.

the victim mentality continues

(god willing, it ends soon)

What if I am blocking God from transforming me?

What if I'm afraid to move, ask, question, respond, change?

What if I am the cause and the effect?

What if I gave up on my desire to be loved in a way that I have never experienced?

What if that is what surrendering looks like?

Would things change?

Cause I can't continue to fight for some things I don't know are true...

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this way...so empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.


She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...

1 night in...

and the beauty of it is that I slept like a rock last night. Especially since I haven't slept well for over a week and a half.

To feel the comfort to sleep so well, where there aren't crazy homeless men outside my window, sirens constantly going off and to just feel the comfort of my own bed...that is love.

there is a reason I love this...

can you figure it out?

I guess this day has been in the making for years...

As an 11 year old, I (well, my parents and I) made the decision to not be a maid in Mardi Gras. Taking off weeks at a time for school just didn't seem like fun. So, we took my money that I had received from my grandparents and invested it.

And it sat...

And it sat...

When I moved to Chicago, I considered buying something, but didn't...buying something for 3 years didn't make sense to me.

And then I moved here. Here where expectations were blown out of the water, where I couldn't find a place to belong, thought it was me, realized it wasn't. Here where I've discovered how strong I could be, and ultimately a place where I can call it home. Despite all that happened here, all the pain, I have found joy.

And on the eve of my move, I am realizing how overwhelmed I feel. Boxes still need to be packed. Things need to be cleaned. Life needs to slow down...

I'm ready, I keep telling myself that. I'm ready for this day, for tomorrow, and I'm ready to be done. To feel the carpet underneath my feet and know it's mine. To paint a wall one day and change it the next.

To be away from a neighborhood filled with so many bad memories.

So, here I go...a commitment that I can't believe I'm taking and fall head first into the deep unknown of being a home owner...

And while tomorrow I'll be moving, Sunday holds the day of simply being in my new home...and realizing it's all mine...

I apologize for the language

OH MY GOD...

I fucking own a house...


This might be the weirdest day ever...

You dance like no one's watching

in light of all that is happening...I need this song to help me to remember that this is big and good and so incredible.

And of course to dance like no one is watching...

Colorful by Rocco Deluca and the Burden

You swim like you're on fire
Live like your last day
Drink like it's water
There's no tomorrow
And you think no one can hear you
Raise your hands to be called on
You know all the answers

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You dance like no one's watching
Sing 'till the song ends
Then you sing some more
And we can hardly believe it
Words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You are an enigma walking
Make no excuses for the way that you carry on
And we can hardly believe it
The words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water, girl

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen

You are so colorful
You are so colorful

You are the most beautifl thing that I've ever seen

so, I have a ghost...

Some of you know these stories, but it's true, I have a ghost in my apartment...

Right after I had moved into my apartment, the string to just turn off the lights in my fan was broken, so I unscrewed the light bulbs, still leaving them in the socket. One night, I turned everything off and went to bed. At 1:00 am, all the lights, including my fan lights, and my TV were on. Yes, freaky...

My second incident with my ghost came some time during the beginning of my second year. I'm fortunate enough to have two doors to my bathroom, one through my bedroom and one through my walk through closet (which is very handy when you have guest stay over). I was awakened one night by the second door latching. And no, there is no way the wind could have closed it.

While I believe my ghost is friendly and means no harm, I think he (I have an intuition it is a guy) is sad to see me go. Last night, as I was working through the pile of things to shred (I LOVE my shredder), it stopped working...and then magically restarted about 2o minutes later...yes, I realize that could be multiple things, but I believe it's my ghost.

I just hope he doesn't move with me...I don't think he'd like my new place

I'm sorry, what?

I'm looking on the Costco website to see if a membership is worth it for me, when I realized that the website sells caskets, with overnight shipping?

This definitely goes into the WTF category....

choosing the good

What I need to remember about choosing the good is that I don't control it...the anxiousness, worry, and trouble I feel isn't about the good, it's about my desire to control the good.

I need to remember that I deserve the good, that it is what is wanted for me, and that if I try to control it, I'm actually moving away from the good...

I want the good, I just feel like it is slipping through my fingers...

Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love. -- John LeCarre

While driving into work this morning, I started thinking about betrayal. Why people betray one another? Why people sabotage relationships and why, ultimately, I do it too...

In the last 3 years, I think I've experienced more betrayal than I ever had in my entire life. It started during a leadership conflict I had that scared me out of my mind. Watching someone I thought was my friend go behind my back and take something up with leadership, that was painful. However, I had no idea that was only the beginning.

While I chose out of friendships, much like others had in my life, I didn't realize that I was playing a part in the betrayal. That I too was making the choice to betray.

It obviously comes down to people trying to secure their own good. I want the good in my life to stay good and I'll go to extremes trying to protect it. So, why do we betray those we claim we love and even like? Because of self-protection...and to be honest, I'm tired of it...

the only way to feel again is let love in

Johnny Rzeznik recently said that their song "Let Love In" had nothing to do about a girl...well, duh (that's right, I said duh, I'm bringing it much like sexy)

You decide, because to me, it has to do with the Love, the Lover...

The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give. -- Walt Whitman

One would think after fundraising for 3 years, I would get use to this...the waiting, the wondering, the stress, the confusion. And yet, every time, it's a new experience.

I stand in awe in the people giving to my trip. I feel so loved through their generosity. Surprises in the faces who give, in the amounts they give, why they give. Having their support continues to push me to give as much as possible while I am in Kenya.

There are moments when I wonder, if I will go, what will happen to me while I am there, what will be broken, what will be resurrected, what will die and what will live. And while it's easy to stand in the fear of knowing and not knowing, for me, it only pushes me towards love. How can I love more here, how can I love more when I get to Kenya. What does it mean in light of my journey.

So, to my supporters, thank you...you are helping me realize a dream, which is an indescribable feeling.

so please stay and keep me company

While driving through Denver today, a day of beautiful weather that makes me believe spring is a possibility, I started listening to the Counting Crows CD that keeps being passed between my best friend and I...

What I realized is 2 things...one my soul is in distress, not due to circumstances with friends or community but through something that is core to who I am. I'm tired of dealing with this particular core issue because it seems to suck everything out of me and question the God I believe in. The other thing I realized had to do with my past here in Denver, my future in Denver and ultimately what I think could be...and how do I wish for the could be, because the could be is so needed in my life...

Larry's in vegas..with some chick from L.A
the best things are sevens and sex is just ok so please stay
she said just stay

cause there's a show at 11
and the drinks are all free
you can do better for yourself but not me ....
...so please stay and keep me company.

All the while thinking this is the good luck,
stays with her most of the time
takes time to make these machines work,
people are so unkind
Gets kinda nervous
used to be hard.

She takes the edges off evenings
in bedrooms and back seats in big cars.
All the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
people are so unkind.
People are so unkind

She looks in the mirror
to make sure she's here
she keeps disappearing and dreaming of movie stars- weddings
and nothing is happening
He tries not to notice
She thinks he doesn't care.
Capture yourself in a jar and you stay there,
until you vanish
thin air

all the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
but he aint got time while
she's riding in black cars and pokes at the sky
to see if he can make stars and

people are so unkind
people are so unkind..
People are so unkind..
People are so unkind...
people are so unkind
People are so..
UNKIND

it often surprises me....

That gifts come in the most unexpected fashion.

I won't lie, yesterday was really hard...work was hard, and then it was emotionally hard.

I've been listening Damien Rice's new cd, specifically 9 Crimes

leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
With you?
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright? I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
No...

And then after being sad, a friend who I haven't talked to in ages called because he knew I would understand his emotional stage...and that conversation was incredible, refreshing and dearly needed on a night that was hard to deal with...thank you friend...

That's What She Said...Or He Said

Perhaps the best made up holiday...make sure you celebrate long and hard on February 15 (that's what she said)...

because music essential to who I am...

My friend Jeni had this posted on her blog tonight and while I should be writing about how I'm not bitter about being single this year or how it makes me laugh that every man I talked to today forgot about tomorrow, or how I should be going to bed, I am going to post this instead...

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.

How am I feeling today?:
In the Rough
Anna Nalick

Will I get far in life?:
Promiscuous
Nelly Furtado & Timbaland (uh...yes, I'll take ironic for a 1,000)

How do my friends see me?:
Your Eyes Open
Keane

Where will I get married?:
Soul Meets Body
Death Cab for Cutie

What is my best friend's theme song?:
Emergency Exit
Beck

What is the story of my life?:
Not the Same
Ben Folds (God Bless you iPod Random for understanding my growth)

What is/was high school like?:
Jesus Walks
Kanye West

How can I get ahead in life?:
All the Weight
David Berkeley

What is the best thing about me?:
Come Around
Rhett Miller

How is today going to be?:
Empty
Ray LaMontagne

What is in store for this weekend?:
Everybody's Changing
Keane

What song describes my parents?:
I'll Fly Away
Kanye West

How is my life going?:
Can I Stay
Ray LaMontagne

What song will they play at my funeral?:
Stitched Up
John Mayer & Herbie Hancock

How does the world see me?:
On Top
The Killers

Will I have a happy life?
Secret of the Easy Yoke
Pedro the Lion

What do my friends really think of me?:
Gone
Ben Folds

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Burning in the Sun
Blue Merle

How can I make myself happy?
Somewhere Only We Know
Keane

What should I do with my life?:
I'm Moving On
Rascal Flatts (amen, amen)

Will I ever have children?:
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Death Cab for Cutie
(ha! this is the song I want played at my wedding...so if there is a wedding then God willing there are kids)

What is some good advice for me?:
Hands Open
Snow Patrol

What is my signature dancing song?:
Money Maker
Ludacris

What do I think my current theme song is?:
In Your Eyes
Peter Gabriel
(Perhaps it's because I secretly want a boyfriend to stand outside my window with a boom box)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
See the World
Gomez

What type of men/women do you like?:
Swing Life Away
Rise Against

What happens at Mardi Gras, doesn't stay at Mardi Gras

Getting to Mardi Gras was a pain. I left work early, after being there since 6:30 am. I got to the airport, parked my car and went to my gate. 2 hours after my plane was suppose to leave, it finally did. I was worried about catching my connecting flight in Dallas, but thankfully, everything worked out.

We arrived in New Orleans, only to find out that my parents had reserved a plane for us to get to the hotel. We got to the hotel, and it was beautiful. We had dinner on our patio and went to bed around 11:30 pm. Friday morning we got up and went to the hotel where the ball was going to be held. Saying hello to family members, talking with people who all know me, but I have no idea who they are, it was fun...but the real fun came Friday night.

The ball was incredible and the after party was fun. My brother-in-law, sister and I had fun, drinking and laughing and dancing together. To be honest, this was the first time I felt like I could really relate to them an an adult.

Saturday we went to my favorite restaurant in New Orleans. It finally had reopened since the storm. Across the street is the funeral home where both my grandparents had their services and it's next door to their church as well. I had decided that I would go to the church to see the damage there. My dad followed me in...

When we ran into the pastor, the story he told us was a tear jerker....The church had Sunday services and then left to get away from the storm. My grandmother's service brochures were left out on the table and when the church returned, the first thing they saw was my grandmother's face. The water ruined their church, but they were still there, rebuilding.

What I saw as we drove around the city was something that I can't even begin to tell you about. There are parts of the city that look like they have never been touched and other parts that are still looking for help. I'm shocked and amazed at the city...

The parade that night was fun grabbing beads that I'll never keep but it was fun to experience it with my mom...

All in all it was a great weekend, too much fun with my family and something I hope happens again, but right now, I need to sleep...well, sleep and pack.

this must be what heaven is like

Playing on PBS right now is Ray LaMontagne and Ben Folds...two of my favorite singer/song writers of all time.

Heaven must be similar right? Where you see all the bands you want, one right after the other? It must...

Dear Sam Champion (weatherman on Good Morning America),

While I understand a portion of the United States is experiencing a deep freeze/unbearable temperatures, some of us are experience 58 degrees, with sunny skies.

To be quite honest, I don't feel any sympathy towards you.

Wearing flip flops in February,
Meghan

ps-this is a scary picture...

a couple of things

To whomever put together this list, God bless you...it helps me believe more in God.

Also, I realized today as I was putting an event on my google calendar, that I've crossed into adulthoood. Who else puts that they need to go to Sears to buy a washer and dryer on their calendar? Welcome to the other side I guess.

C: I was looking through some pictures last night of a fellow blogger and realized that they actually caused more pain than good. Am I being self-masochistic by repeatedly putting myself in those situations or am I simply trying to still connect with these people? Just a question for the universe...

Why stress just might kill me...

Sometimes I wonder if I take on too much at once...I've never been someone with killer patience. I often want to do more than I can.

Case and point...

Buying a townhouse....Last night, as I sat around with my beautiful friends, we realized what this opportunity means for all of us. A space for us to grow into, where we can be comfortable and relaxed with each other. And what it means for me...it's going to be an amazing opportunity.

Moving up in my career...beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Having people recognize what I am capable of is always a good thing...changing positions, probably not ideal in the midst of everything.

Kenya...I'm nervous about making my fundraising goals. I shouldn't be, I know that the trip is suppose to happen and I'm suppose to be on it. I feel it in my gut, but what if? What if I can't do it? What if I can't find the money? Maybe it's a bad idea...(I know it's not, but this is a thought that is running through my head).


Anyways, I'm hoping my attitude changes before New Orleans because I want to enjoy my time...but I'm also hoping that stress isn't real and that everything will eventually come together. Until then, I think I'll go get some coldstone.

yeah, that's okay...

High: 57 °F RealFeel®: 58 °F

Partly sunny and not as cool

Dear AccuWeather.com,
When you predict that the weather is going to be partly sunny and not as cool, that's not necessarily a bad thing. To be honest, it's awesome.

Thank you God that it's changing...

Today has been a shitty day

It's true...I don't know if it's due to the weather or something else, but today has been a day to delete from the calendar.

Anyways, I just got amazing news from a friend (I won't share it because I don't want to steal her thunder) and it totally made my day.

I can't wait to see her shining face and just to sit across from me...

This is what I needed to change my day...thank you dear friend

29 more days

Don't worry, I'll get tired of the following too, but for right now, it's true....

29 days till I get to run the dishwasher and my dishes are done

29 days till I get to run my own washer and dryer and my clothes are done

29 days till I no longer wonder how far away I'll have to park away form my house on cold, snowy, wet days

29 days till I have so much room that I don't know what to do

29 more days until I have some freedom...

I stop and feel my feet on the floor

This month, might be a crazy one.

There is so much going on that I'm having to remember that my feet are on the floor.

Case and point, I'm moving in 30 days. Which is always a good and bad thing. Moving causes me to stress out, clean out, do things I need to do. And I'm so ready to be done with my neighborhood...it's hard walking down the street with the constant fear of running into someone who has ill feelings towards you.

Oh, and there are work things I can't talk about yet.

And I'm going to Mardi Gras next weekend, which again is both a fun and stressful event. I hoping it will be more fun than anything.

and I'm still trying to raise money for Kenya.

And it's f-ing cold and snowing again in Denver.

So as I remember that my feet are on the floor, and that this is the delightful terror that I know will push me closer to the Trinity, it's my hope that I don't get overwhelmed and not remember where I am going or how I got there.

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -- Magaret Mead

The first time I saw this video, I realized how much I wanted to be a change agent in the world...wouldn't you want to change it too?

a reminder of truth...

"My existential journey involved struggling with this quote from Thomas Merton: "Why should I desire anything that cannot give me God, and why should I fear anything that cannot take God away from me?" This led me into an experience of "unknowing" that liberated me from an unhealthy desire to control my relation to God through propositions and an unhealthy fear of admitting that my understanding of God would always need to be reformed and reforming."
--F. LeRon Shults

"They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done"

I've gotten angry the last couple of days. Not in anyone in particular, but at situations on the whole.

Frustration is ever increasing the more and more I realize that people are biased. They only want the side of the story that keeps them safe and protected. Without engaging the other aspects, they are allowed to spread the hate and lies, which aren't true.

"Even if they words they say aren't true they've won,"

I don't have a lot of patience for people who make fear based decisions. I wish people would choose decisions that caused them to move. I wish people wouldn't hide when things get hard or when they didn't go their way.

I thought about a friendship I had last year. She and I use to be friends. I pinpointed the time when our friendship fell apart. I wish in that moment she would have just said what she needed to say instead of being passive aggressive and shutting me out of her life. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I know I could approach the anger, the people, the situations, but if there is no movement, no regret, no sorrow from the other side, is it really worth it to put myself out there?

*lyrics from Augustana's song "Stars and Boulevards"

It's amazing how...

One piece of real mail will almost make a person throw up....

WHY????????

It's always strange when you see a person's twin...

In college, I was in love with Jordan. I can say this freely, without any shame because it's true. I met Jordan through my youth group, when he was a junior at K-State and I was going to be a senior at BVN. I would say we were very close friends, he made me laugh, surprised me at my graduation, taught me how to swing dance, etc.

There are times when I miss his friendship. He had meant the world to me at one point.

Anyways, as I was sitting here at work today, his twin walked in. I couldn't believe it at first because I thought it was him walking in the door. I almost started to cry...and then I realized this guy was significantly shorter than Jordan so it couldn't have been him.

But there are moments when I wish it was...becasue sometimes I wish our friendship was still the same.

I often wonder why...

These just happen to run through my head today:

I'm really grateful for my friends who will come over to help me set up wifi so I can email/blog from bed.

I'm extremely grateful to iTunes for reissuing my purchased music that I lost this summer...now I need an external hard drive to back it up

I'm in need of mental health day.

I'm actually ecstatic that my dad is coming into town for Saturday.

I loved the weather today...this is the Colorado I remember

That I am extremely sad over 2 friends

That in the midst of pain, love flourishes.

And that I am ready to move onto this next chapter of my life.

why doesn't someone write this book...

let's say you have a friend, that you were (what you thought) close to and then realized that your friendship no longer existed.

What the hell are you suppose to do when it comes time for their birthday?

More of a question for the universe, not one I am really looking for an answer.

Sometimes, there are no words...

As I reflect over my busy weekend, I'm struck by one thing...how many times I received my "love letter from the Lord". It's a phrase my dear friend Sara uses to explain to little things that you get in your day that just make your day better. Mine often come in the form of great parking spaces on my street or an email from a friend. Recently, they have come through generous donations to my trip to Kenya.

On Friday, I spent time with friends, laughing over beers, playing shuffle board and then went to Sara's house where we watched the Real World Denver and just hung out. Saturday I went to the mall to get some things and ended up at a concert that night. J and I had dinner and then went to see Augustana at the Gothic. It was awesome, even the part where I got picked up by some random guy from Boise, ID who works in Iraq. Sunday, we all sat around in the morning, having honest conversations and then the girls and I went to look for a condo for me.

So where were my love letters? It was in the time I got one-on-one with Sara, just laughing and talking on her couch, it was in the random guy who picked me up, it was in hearing "Boston" played live and feeling the transformation I've experienced in my life since I heard it the first time, and it was in possibly finding my new home.

Sometimes, words can't express the feeling of gratitude that comes with time. Sometimes, the words you want to say aren't there but the sense of growth, love and truth are there and you can move forward. And when those words fail, it's easy to know that the people around you will continue to show you those little love letters from the Lord.

a weekend of rest and relaxation

*sigh...

I think I've needed this. After the long and hard week I had (working a full week after 3 weeks of not, is tough), I needed a weekend of relaxation and rest.

Friday, I spent it with friends, over dinner, over drinks, laughing and just being...having that space is vital.

Saturday, my friend Sara and I went to get spray tans (easy and super fun), had lunch and then I took a nap. Saturday night, BA and I went to see the Mammoth play. I forget so easily how much fun those games are....

Sunday was spent with my community, asking hard questions, sitting in the midst of the questions and then watching the beautiful Hayden.

and now, I'm listening to NPR, drinking coffee, using a free wifi, and getting ready for a massage. I'm going to look for a couch and then I'll probably take a nap.

To have a weekend where my biggest concern wasn't where I had to be or what I needed to do perhaps was the greatest gift I've given myself in a while...

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion

1. an act of reconciling or the state of being reconciled.
2. the process of making consistent or compatible.

In light of the last year, reconciliation has become something I wonder about. Is it still happening in the world today? Is it possible for 20 people in Denver? Could it happen within the next few months?

I desperately want the reconciliation in my life. I want the hard conversations. I want to be in a room of people know that we've talked it out, we've decided to be consistent, we've realized what has happened, and have communicated the past, present and future. However, until the other side decides to move towards a willing converssation, and is willing to accept the fact that they have caused pain, is reconciliation really worth it?

I am more than willing to sit in a conversation, own what I need to, but until I see movement, desire to be honest, and grief for the pain the other party has caused, I'm not willing to believe that reconciliation will work in my life.

I know small steps are happening by a variety of people. Phone calls, cups of coffee, emails, but then I think about me and the two people I would want to reconcile with. I'm not asking for the friendship back (and to be honest in this moment I don't know if we were ever truly friends). What I do want is the peace of mind that I could pass these two on the street and know that they aren't thinking of all the ways that they hate me. What I do want is the peace of mind to know that the pain we've each caused was out of perserving the good we had.

So, I am willing and able, but when I have to make decisions like "me being in the room isn't loving that person well because of other people in the room", isn't it time to have the hard conversation?

why I believe in honesty

Why I believe in honesty has nothing to do with the fact that I believe in fairness.

And perhaps, I am an eternal optimist.

I believe that every person deserves the truth. That every person has the right to know why things are happening to them.

A friend bails out of a friendship for no reason what so ever. Maybe they just out grew each other. Perhaps it has something to do with the other person, but for the hell of it, don't you think the other person has the right to know?

A significant (or insignificant) other decides that they need out. Maybe they fell in love with someone else. Maybe the other person has weird habits (like drinking 3 beers like water or quotes too many movies), but come on, be the bigger person and tell them why you really want out.

Trust me, they can handle it.

Having an honest conversation does not always lead to being alone. What it does lead to is a place where someone can sleep at night because they know the real reasons why a friend, a significant other, a business partner has left the relationship.

So, why are we fearful to have those honest conversations? Because we can't control what the other person will say or do in the moment. And a lack of control always, always freaks people out.

Try it...try for once in your life to be honest...see what can happen...cause I'm sick and tired of dealing with people who refuse to be honest.

This is almost sadistic

It's snowing...AGAIN in Denver.

Another 4-8 inches today.

And they expecting another storm next week, another big one...one with like 12-24 inches.

I'm a little over the snow...and finally the mountains are getting some, which means the ski conditions are finally good.

But for the love of God, make it stop snowing!!

Living in Colorado has its advantages

One of those being the fact that random people visit here. People you haven't seen in years, all of the sudden realize you are in Colorado and want to see you.

Case in point is Wes. Wes and I met in high school, through Ichthus at my church. Wes was my homecoming date my sophomore year and a great friend there after. Wes and I took many different trips together (this includes driving from KC to Mexico and multiple ski trips to Colorado).

I don't think I've seen Wes since 1999. I believe the last time I saw him, he was trying to convince me to stay at the above mentioned church when I was really ready to leave. I could be wrong about that.

Wes is in town on business and tonight we are getting together for a drink. I'm not really nervous, but I'm a little interested to see where 9 years has brought us. And what the hell will we talk about (I know, the typical, what are you doing with your life, why are you in Denver, etc)?

So, here's to starting the year off with random friends...and to whatever that brings with it.

it pays not to wash your car...

So, as I left work tonight, I was at the light of Speer (1st) and University, waiting to make a left hand turn. When suddenly, I felt my car move.

That's right, because I was in the far right lane of the turning lane, a van decided it would be appropriate (which I agree with) to go around me. However, they were too wide to fit through and totally brushed up against my car.

I WAS PISSED!!

I got out of my car and ran up to the woman's van. I banged on her window and told her she hit my car. She asked if there was any damage. When I said I don't know and ran back to check on it, SHE TOOK OFF!

DOUBLY PISSED!

You have go to be kidding me. She turned south on University and I could never catch up with her. Thankfully, due to the layers of snow removal crap (which isn't salt) my car wasn't damaged.

But still, one never leaves a scene of an accident. So to the woman who hit my car, just remember, what goes around comes around...curses to you!!

Do the (RED) thing

My friend Frank wrote recently on how the (RED) manifesto might actually be something that could change the world.

The (RED) manifesto states, in not so many words, that if you buy a (RED) product, you are in fact helping the AIDS pandemic in Africa. And who wouldn't want to help stop that?

I received a (RED) razor for Christmas, in part because I needed a new phone, and in part for my trip to Kenya. I don't know what is being stirred in me, but I want to help this pandemic. I believe that we could change the world if we saved Africa (and I don't me the evangelical Christian definition of saved either).

So, what can you do? You can buy a (RED) product, you can support me on my trip to Kenya, and ultimately, you can figure out how save the Continent of Africa before it's gone.

Buy (RED).

And a happy new year to you...

2007...I can't believe it. But if last night was any indication on the new year will be, I'm pretty damn excited about it.

A few friends and I spent the evening at Jen's apartment, eating good food, laughing, listening to music. I thought it was the perfect way to spend the evening. But the most beautiful thing about the evening wasn't the music or the food, it was the fact that everyone had a deep, intimate conversation. Not all of us together, but a lot of one-on-ones, and it was beautiful. To sit in a room and be known, it was what I imagined life could be like.

Today has been a wasted day. I had intended on going into the office to get some work done (I feel behind) but then I realized I much rather just work late tomorrow then go in today. Again, it's a 4 day week...It's been a while since I've actually worked all 5 days (thanks to the snow, and the major cold I had).

And tonight I'm off to see this movie...and then tomorrow back to the daily grind...I'm actually really ready to be back at work, I just wish I knew what work held.