a commitment to wonder

And by wonder, I'll use dictionary.com's second definition "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel".

In the last year, I think I've lost my wonder. I've shut it down because of my life circumstances (a discussion that isn't fully appropriate here), however, after last weekend, I'm realizing how much I miss my wonder. I miss the part of me that always likes to imagine the best in people, who hopes for people, who believes in Santa Claus, love at first sight, and that the underdog always wins. And I've let others tell me it's wrong, told me to put it away, told me to basically shut up.

But today I am letting the world know that it's back...prepare yourself.

I don't know what happened this weekend, I don't know if it was celebrating Hayden's 1st birthday, or simply hanging out with my coworker and her friend, but here's the deal...I miss being filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel. I want to be filled with wonder in my friendships, that they will not hold back on the hard conversation and that there will be moments of awe. I want to assume that it's possible I am good at my job. I want to be surprised, not ashamed, when the CEO tells me I am doing a good job. And I'm sorry that I let the last year strip away my wonder, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did.

But I want it back.

In a long term relationship, you get your stuff back when you break up. I want my wonder back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it back because I miss it. I miss who I am when I haven't had it. I think Kelly recognized it when she was here over the summer...to see how beaten down I was, and she encouraged me to find it again. Tiffany, I know heard it in my voice all year long and didn't believe it until she came here (by the way, she's coming back and I cannot wait).

So, here's the deal...I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it back...and this time, when I get my wonder back, I will not let anyone strip it from me again.

I didn't realize

That asking about test results would lead someone to dump me. Now, I realize that my sensitive heart can be viewed as a flaw to some people, but it's one of the characteristics I love about myself. I've grown to love it...it's taken me years to appreciate it (mostly because it as shut down as a child, but that's for another time).

I'm sorry that I asked, I'm sorry that you chose to respond and open up...that part isn't my fault.

And you are right, I do have potential...you'll just miss out on it.

And it's over

For the last month, I've been seeing a great guy. He was nice, and caring, however it didn't last.

And to be honest...I'm really okay with it.

No, really I am.

Of course I am sad, but not devastated. And I knew it wasn't going to be forever. We had strange hours, we didn't really connect on a deep level, we didn't spend hours trying to figure out what made each other tick.

But for a short month, I understood that I was lovable, desirable and above all worthy.

So, Grant...thanks...it was wonderful meeting you...thank you being a part of my life over the last month...I will always think fondly of you.

I swear, my city isn't this slutty

I just saw this on MTV

Please, vistors and soon to be movers of Denver, remember not everyone in this city is as slutty as The Real World Denver would like you to believe. This makes me nervous.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

I am so grateful for my vacation...while there have been moments of anxiety (like getting a crazy flu bug for 6 hours), I am overwhelmed by this trip. Let me tell you a little bit more about my trip...

When I arrive on Thursday, I got to my hotel and dropped off my bags and headed towards the market. Why would anyone shop any place but the market is beyond me. Fresh flowers, fresh fruit, fresh fish...it was beautiful. I grabbed lunch and sat at the pier. Staring at the bay was, for the first time in a while, that I felt the freedom to simply stare off into the distance. I decided that since I was on vacation, taking a nap wasn't a bad thing. So I headed back to the hotel for a nap. I climbed into bed, a little chilly, but figured the blankets would help. An hour later, I realized something was drastically wrong. I was freezing, but my ears were on fire. I could not stop shaking. Crazy enough, 10 minutes later I was on fire. I had a freakish flu. It took me 25 minutes to walk from my hotel half a block to buy 2 bottles of Sprite, some saltines, chicken noodle soup and a bottle of water. And of course, every sick person's friend...Nyquil. And by Friday morning, I was fine.

Friday, I went to the Experience Music Project. I loved it. I learned how to play the drums, learned a ton about Jimi Hendrix and felt like I was in my element. It is remarkable to me how much I love music. I have no idea where it came from but I love to be surrounded by it. I went to lunch at a quaint little restaurant on the bay and had a delicious crab sandwich...and then a beautiful moment.

Friday night. I was fortunate to have dinner with 2 people I am crazy for, Erik and Toby. These are two of the men I was able to do 3 years of my life with. Having them in my small group for the 3 years I was at Willow was a blessing and while I sat across from them at dinner on Saturday night, I realized I felt at home. Home, where no one questions you, where you are allowed to be yourself, where you can simply show up...that's where I was. And I loved it. While I have had real conversations in the last year in Denver, I felt like for the first time in a long time, I had a truth-filled conversation. One where everyone shared openly, not because they had to, but because they wanted to, because they felt the freedom to share. It felt like a piece of my soul was handed back to me and reminded me of the gift I was given for three years. And I am grateful. I am grateful for sitting across from them and being heard...truly heard. I feel like only a few in Denver actually hear me. I am grateful for Erik's constantly thinking mind, of incorporating theology into my story and for Toby's compassion and understanding that can only come from knowing where I have been.

The amazing thing I took out of this dinner was my increased desire to know and be known. I want to ask better questions, listen better, love deeper and care more...to everyone, not just the people who I spend the most time with (and them as well).

On Saturday, I awoke late...8:00 am and got ready for the day. I headed down toward my friend Chad's Starbucks. Oh Chad...I love his friendship to me and I've missed it over the last year. Now the creepy man mustache, that should go. I took the ferry out to Bainbridge Island and then turned around and took it straight back to Seattle. I didn't want to stay...All I wanted was the hour and a half to simply stare into the bay. I would have kept staring at it all day. I instead walked around downtown, looking into unique stores for clothes I couldn't afford and accessories I really didn't want. I came back to my hotel to rest...it's my vacation, I can do whatever I want. That night, I treated myself to one of the best dinners I have had in a really long time. The Metropolitan Grill offered me Prime Rib, a Baked Potato, and some damn good wine. For the first time ever doing dinner by myself in a fancy restaurant, it was well worth it. So tasty, so relaxed and overall, delightful. I then went to the O Lounge to meet back up with Chad (considering about 20 minutes after I left his store, someone got shot and killed outside of his store, he needed to start drinking as quickly as possible). After drinking some gin and tonics and dancing to 80's music, we finally left. Chad and I decided that doing breakfast on Sunday was the best option considering we didn't really get to talk on Saturday night. After what seemed like a long cab ride home (I've gotten really good at hailing them this trip), I finally made it back to the hotel, with the hopes of seeing Chad in the morning.

Then Sunday came and I flew home. With no breakfast with Chad (I think he was recovering from the night before), I got to the Seattle Airport and just people-watched. The clouds of Seattle saw me out just like they had seen me in. And while I decided that living in Seattle isn't for me right now, what I realized is so many things on this trip. I re-evaluated my values, I saw what I once had was beautiful and that it can be recreated the moment people I love and who love me sit down, and realized that the choices I have made in the last couple of months are what is best for me. I gave myself the space to simply be me, to hear from the Trinity and to enjoy the space again.

I'm grateful to be back, to realize that I need more times like this with people I love and with myself. Maybe Tiff and I can meet somewhere for a long weekend...that would be amazing. But overall, the last 4 days were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

PS-If you click on the picture, you can see the rest of my pictures from the trip.

There are a million reasons to be excited about my vacation

However, perhaps my new favorite is due to the fact that I get to see Chad while I am in town.

Who is Chad?

Chad is my old Starbucks boss who I love dearly, who can make me laugh and who just told me "consider your ass texted".


This is going to be a great weekend...I can feel it already!

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking. ~Earl Wilson

In 3 days I'll be on vacation. I've been dreaming about this day since I first moved to Denver. Realizing the stress of doing a job that sucks the life out of you, I knew I needed to get out of town.

And while my first desire was the beach, what I am doing is the step before I can get there. So, I am off to Seattle!

I've always wanted to visit there, and now with 2 men who I love dearly who did the internship with me being there, I can't wait to see them.

Thursday I'll bum around the city, probably going to the Experience Music Project and enjoying the beauty. Friday I'm hoping to see Toby and Saturday spend sometime with Erik.

I found out that Cary Brothers and Josh Radin are playing Saturday night so I'm going to that show and Sunday I come home.

It sounds perfect to me....

4 days without my boss bothering me? Priceless...
Enjoying Two Buck Chuck, free waffles, and a hot tub...I can't wait!

“You owe it to everyone you love (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world. -- Anonymous

Trust me, my days are incredibly busy.

And finding tranquility is hard to come by. I'm still working the two jobs, still trying not to lose my mind and still trying to find a balance of life.

My friends, my dear beautiful friends, are helping me stay sane, through pizza and beer, shopping, movies and love. I love having them in my life.

But it's not easy to find tranquility when you are accidentally running into a pole because you have so much on your mind.

However, the vacation starts in 9 days...Seattle here I come...and I can't wait.

I once I had a dream about Matthew Perry

He took me to prom...And still think he is hot. And I'm so glad he is back.

I watched the first episode of Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. I loved it. I loved the writing, the acting, the direction, I loved the set...I feel like a piece of "The West Wing" has re-entered my living room.

I can't wait for this season of this show...it's amazing. You need to check it out.

Help me understand how this is easier...

As I was watching tv tonight, I saw an ad for this. I don't quite understand how this is any easier than just creating a double boiler.

I saw two movies this weekend "The Last Kiss" and "Gridiron Gang". "last kiss" is totally worth seeing..."gang" is not.

And, I can't stop playing my Fray cd in my car...I especially can't stop playing this song (mostly because I want it to be true in my own life):

Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

yes, you are right, free tickets are the best

picture from my new friend DMBFreakNo41 at flickr:

Yesterday while I was at work, I heard a rumor that the 4 box tickets to the Pepsi Center were available that night. So, I did what any smart person would do...I asked if I could have them. I was the first person to ask, so if I got the tickets, I would get all four.

Unfortunately, someone took 2 of the tickets, but gave me the other 2, as appreciation of all the hard work I've done recently.

That's right, I got 2 free box seats to see Dave Matthews.

It was amazing. My friend Katie and I went together and had a great time. I love spending time with her. It was amazing that I had the opportunity to see Dave...It rocked.

and now, next weekend, J and I get to see Guster in the 7th row. Giddy up...the month of concerts continues.

number 84

I didn't sleep well last night. I had this weird sensation with my brain and was up for about an 1 1/2 hours. Thankfully, I did get back to sleep.

I was up at 7:00 am, trying to prepare for my race. I drank a nalgene of water and ate as much of a Clif Bar that I could. I walked over to BA's at 8:30. She had to remind me to breathe deep and loosen up my arms.

We eventually got to Cheesman Park, checked in and walked around. So many organizations out and supporting this cause. We kicked off at 10:00 am, after watching some gay men doing aerobics at the front of the stage.

I finished the race. I wasn't first, but that wasn't what was important to me. What was important was for me to finish. And I did. I ran a majority of my first 5k and realized that I want to do it again. So, I'm looking for something to run at the end of October. Maybe I'll improve my time.

After showering and sharing the news with my parents, we (BA, the Sheps, Maria, and J) went to the Cricket to celebrate. I cam home and crashed afterward. I awoke from my nap like was drunk...and seriously, I only had one beer at lunch.

I feel so proud of myself. I did something that was on my list of things to do for the last 4 years. And I'm really proud of myself.

So thank you to all my sponsors who helped me raise $300 for the Colorado AIDS Project, to BA who ran/walked ever step with me and got me to relax, and to Beth, Frank, Maria, and J who helped celebrate this accomplishment with me after it was all said and done...

Don't you remember the JC Penny's Catalog?

In the mail today, I received a mini catalog from JC Penny's. I don't shop at Penny's, I have no idea how I ended up on their mailing list.

But as I was reading through it, I realized that one of my favorite memories from my childhood is going to my grandparents house and flipping through the catalog...the BIG catalog.

I would pick out furniture, clothing, toys, everything I wanted when I was older. I felt like I could live in my dream world through that catalog. Laying on the floor, while my grandparents watched their soaps (different from the soaps I watched at the pool a couple of weeks ago), I was able to dream about what I could be like.

I miss those moments of just being a kid where everything was simpler, easier, less complicated.



By the way, the reason I'm home tonight, posting at 8:14 pm isn't because I couldn't go out, I was choosing to stay home in light of my race tomorrow. One more day for you to sponsor me: http://AIDSWalkandRunColorado.kintera.org/mes9193

"do you really think you can change?" "I'm still breathing, aren't I?"

This is a line from Zach Braff's new movie. It feels apropos in my recent days. That change can come in any direction, in any movement. That some changes forces life to change, and while it is sad, and devastating, at the same time, it's what is needed.

Being vague has never been my strong suite...I've always wanted to be the one who says what they mean, speak truth, wanting my voice to be heard. Why hide behind lies, threats, unspoken vibes when the truth can and will set you free.

While my blog doesn't seem fully appropriate to voice some of what's really going through my mind, I know that I know. That my voice is heard amongst the Trinity and they love it. And while there are moments where I share it here, in my community of people who fully love me, who encourage me to listen to my intution, who encourage me to listen to the Trinity.

So, do I really think I can change?

I'm still breathing...

And based upon the last 2 months where I have felt free, more alive, more me, I can only assume that the next year in Denver will allow me to be me...and it's going to be fabulous.

Why my computer is changing my life...

Yesterday, I received my new computer....and I LOVE IT!! While I haven't discovered everything on it yet (like the guitar, I have no idea what it does or if it's something I can't wait to use), I love it. The screen is beautiful, the keyboard is awesome...it changes the way I am on my internet.

So, here's to my new computer...I can't wait to take it for a spin!

Best Labor Day EVER!

On Friday night, we met at Dave and Sara's to take off for probably the last camping trip of the season. The rain was coming down and we hoped it wouldn't rain all weekend. We enjoyed some Taco John's on the way up and then got to our site. Where you ask? Well, we went to Lake Mcconaughy in Nebraska. Did you know that 3 hours away from Denver you can find a kickass beach and a beautiful lake?

Oh my gosh...IT WAS AMAZING!!

Saturday we got up, had a wonderful breakfast and changed into our suits. We headed toward the beach, put up the sand volleyball net and went to town. It was amazing. The sun was out, I took a nap with the beautiful Hayden on my chest. We had lunch on the beach...it was perfect.

Sara, Maria, and I drove into town to get more beer, more ice and soda...it felt good to go into town.

Sunday was equally as fun. Instead of rushing out like we normally do on camping trips, we enjoyed our time. We played in the lake, we played more beach volleyball, we just enjoyed the last day of summer. I finally have the tan I've been wanting all summer long.

Monday involved buying my ski pass (since I bought skis on Friday) and playing some frisbee golf. I was in bed by 8:40 last night because I was exhausted.

This week should be fairly low key. Nothing major, except my run on Sunday. Please sponsor me...you can click here to donate. I'm almost to my goal! The run starts at 10:00 am on Sunday...send me good vibes.

Also, my computer should be here today...I can't wait!

I'M FREAKING OUT!

In the spirit of being honest, I'll simply say this:

Doing two jobs, one I'm totally qualified for and one that I have no idea what I am doing, is causing me to lose my mind.

I've cried today, wondering if I can really handle this. Why I was picked to do this, I have no idea...all I know is that I'm surviving on energy drinks and praying that I won't lose my mind.

So, tonight, I'll play some frisbee golf and go camping this weekend and Sunday night drink because I don't have to work on Monday.

And still I'm freaking out.

An Extravagant Love

I just want congratulate Kim and Matt on their engagement...I'm so happy for them!!

Watching Old School at Midnight....

So I'm taking the risk and posting at work...which obviously means I still don't have my computer at home. Apple keeps saying soon, which isn't soon enough. So until then, I'll fill you in on my weekend.

Friday night I went out to celebrate my co-workers birthday and almost started a bar fight. Almost is an overstatement, but I was in the mood to start one. We went to this great bar called "Garage" where we had free beer and free shots, and I drank way too much, but it was too much fun to pass up on...After the last week/month/year I've had, I deserved a night like this.

Saturday, after a poor decision to get an eyebrow wax after drinking all night, I went to see "Little Miss Sunshine". Beautiful, painful, harsh...I loved it...I want to own it and see it again. And after a 2 hour nap, I headed over to have a BBQ with Dave, Sara, Hayden, Frank, Beth and Maria. As we sat around eating dinner, enjoying each other, laughing, having an intense conversation about reconciliation and what does it mean, we decided that it was appropriate to watch Old School at midnight. Only Dave, Frank and I watched it...it was great...I love sitting around with those people, who allow me to be me, who push me closer to the Trinity and who ultimately love me at my core.

Sunday was spent watching movies and napping and then watching the Emmys. My weekend was beautiful. I loved every moment of it, and have recently realized that I'm enjoying my time more recently.

And this weekend looks just as good...camping Saturday, the pool on Monday...hell yeah!

But you and I, know the reasons why...

Where have I been? Well about 2 weeks ago, my computer crashed, died dead. I'm currently in the apple store attempting to buy my new computer. I can't wait. But since then, I've been without a computer, and I just don't feel right using blogger while I am at work.

What else is new? Well lots. Things have been crazy and hectic, sad, and good. Very, very good. Freedom has been felt for the first time in a year. The type of freedom that makes you breathe deep, look long and hard, and wonder why you ever lost that feeling. I've been searching for this freedom for a year, and finally I've found it. I told my therapist the other day that it feels like I've been released from prison. Food tastes differently, the sky is brighter, my drives on the Frisbee golf range are longer. And I wouldn't trade this freedom for the world. I finally feel like me again.

I got a promotion. I'm now a Sales Assistant at my work. Woo-hoo! A promotion means more responsibility, more money and more wrestling with the question "do I stay or do I go?" I've recover parts of my iPod, but I'm still missing some major stuff (IE: All my Live counting Crows...If I happen to burn you a CD of that, could you resend it to me?)

Otherwise, I've been listening to the soundtrack to "The Last Kiss" and came across this song by Rachel Yamagata...beautiful, deep, and of course, saying what my soul has been saying.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio
And I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why

Just an FYI...

Until further notice, anonymous comments will be turned off...

Sorry my anonymous friends...I would like to know who you are so I can say thank you...

I think I need a sunrise

Boston (here it here)
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear,
you look so lost,
Your eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
Well you said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains,
oh yeah.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
Oh yeah well
I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise,
I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.
Boston, where no one knows my name.
Thank you Augustana for writing the lyrics to my heart right now...

I realize this will be a mindless post

and I'm okay with that...

I'm addicted to myspace.

It started off slowly...adding a friend here, adding a friend there. However, it's become a full blown addiction.

Case in point, I found my prom date on there today...He lives in Denver. RANDOM!! He was a sophomore, I was a senior....it was actually a good time.

I almost wish I could stop...almost.

I need your grace, to remind me to find my own....

** a caveat to this post: I just helped make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and I feel shame, guilt, responsibility and ultimately in need of grace. That is where this is coming...from a place where only the tears streaming down my face know how to reach....please read the following as a message to myself and to the people I've invested the last year with. Should you need clarification, please email me. If you need to state your judgment, currently I'm not accepting those emails. Please check back later. -- end of caveat

*******************************

I just need to say is I'm sorry...I didn't know what else to say, how else to defend, what else to do. I really just need someone to say this isn't going to end everything I've established in the last year....

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
By Snow Patrol

Damn you Tina Fey

For leaving SNL


This new show you are in that's coming out in the fall better be damn good....

Well, of course the burden is light...

Last night after Beth Anne and I went to dinner, we were driving on Colfax and we passed a group of people. The guy in the front of the group was carrying a cross. Carrying might be an overstatement, considering the fact the cross had a wheel. Well, hell....No wonder the burden is light, you gotta wheel helping you. Come on man....


In other news, I plan on taking 2 naps today. I went to a public pool, and I need to finish cleaning my apartment.

And you need to go the Keg Restaurant (not only because it's named after me). They gave BA and I a free shrimp cocktail...well hell, if you are going to give me free food, I will go back.

it's the little things that I miss...

A few co-workers and I went out for happy hour tonight. As Katie and I waited for the boys to arrive, 2 guys made their way towards us...Blaine and Kelly. It wasn't anything special, however, it was ironic that they ended up sitting next to us at dinner and they got incorporated into our table (and I think a business deal happened).

Besides the point...the point of this blog is that I miss the little things in life...here are just a few...
Being hit on at a bar.
Going to a bar with the potential to be hit on.
A really good laugh.
Spending hours driving between my house in Leawood and her house in Lee's Summit just so we could hang out.
Sitting to discuss real life with her
a really good pedicure
a warm hug
that kiss that makes you remember why you love physical touch
an encouraging word


My therapist is attempting to teach me how to really love myself well (if you have a question regarding why I am in therapy, see the past year's posts, otherwise, email me or keep your mouth shut...I don't want to hear your theology on it). Maybe tonight was a way to love myself well...not that anything happened, nor do I believe that Blaine will call, but I need to remember that I am worth it for some guy...but I could really go for that kiss. ;o)

Just something fun...

I bought football tickets today. To the Colorado vs. Kansas State game. And. I. cannot. wait. I feel as giddy as I did in college when I had the chance to buy football tickets.

My parents are coming in from Kansas City to go with us to the game. In November. I'm really looking forward to it. It feels like it something I need to do in order to love me well.

In other news, we are going camping here this weekend

Yes, it is in Colorado, about 4 hours away, near Aspen. And every picture I've seen looks exactly as beautiful as this.

There will be pictures up on Sunday when I get back.

Today the music died (and so did my phone)

As I was driving to pick up some medical records, I plugged in my iPod. As I drove down Colorado Blvd, stuck in traffic, something interesting started happening. My iPod started skipping songs. It would play 20 seconds and then skip to the next. It would play one whole song and then skip 3 songs after that.

I've attempted to reset to factory setting, I've pressed the center button until I was blue in the face...nothing is working. I believe, dear friends, today is the day the music died. I don't know what I am going to do without my iPod. 1,344 songs, trapped on a machine that I can't play. What the hell am I going to do on my drive to the mountains this weekend. How will sleep while I am camping? I'm sad and distraught, and I'm hoping my friend Jim (who works at the apple store) might be able to help. Otherwise, I'm going to have to wait until I have more money to buy a new one.

A moment of silence please....

The other tragic news is my phone died. It keeps turning itself off. When I took it to Sprint today, they couldn't reproduce the problem. However, once I got the phone back, I could (while in the store), so Sprint is replacing my phone with a pretty ghetto phone.




But again, come December, I can get a pretty sweet phone...

Here's to my life being disconnected!

I kinda wish I had paid better attention

This is Fabio Cannavaro, the captian of the Italian Soccer team...oh holy hell...I wish I would have paid better attention...he's beautiful. He is the reason to watch soccer and reminds me why I always fell for all the soccer boys in high school...

to be moved...

Lately, I've been moved by music, which isn't a shock considering that God typically speaks to me through media. I downloaded these songs and I can't get them out of my head.

One of the songs, a song by The Fray (a Denver band), has brought me to tears. When I finally sat down to listen to the words, I was struck by what they actually had to say:

How to Save a Life...
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

What's unique to me in this song is the sense of "I get it". I've lost too many friends along the way due to decisions that I have made. These choices were right for me...I'm sorry you felt like I chose something other than our friendship, but you choosing out of it hasn't been easy either. These choices were ultimately right for me but not for the friendship I was in at the time. Perhaps I'll never know how the other person felt in the process of me choosing, but I would have stayed up all night had I know how to save a life.

The other song that I can't quit playing on repeat is by Fiona Apple.

Oh Well...
What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen
Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well

What I believe to be true about me is that I deeply believe in relationships. Perhaps there is some codependence there, but to my core, it's all about relationships. They transform you in the way they rub up against you, the way they push you to reconsider life, the way they help you see the life. While everyone may not agree that it's all about the relationships you have in your life, I fully believe that in the end, it's the Ultimate relationship with the Other that moves you towards love. My relational world here in Denver these days relies on 4 people who pursue me on a regular basis. My love for them has gotten me through the last year...if it wasn't for them, I would have checked myself into a mental hospital. However, for the rest of the people in my life who have made it hard for me to connect...oh well...there is so much to say and not say and for now, I'll stay in my apartment remembering that there are people who do believe in the stuff and for them, I'm willing to go all the way.

deep breath in, deep breath out...

I've always loved the smell of rain. Something so distinctive about it...growing up in Kansas, you could always count on a couple of really good summer storms and the sound of the rain beating against my window was reassuring at some level. Every summer I was involved with Icthus at Colonial, we could count on having to fly home because of the horrible summer storms.

I'm sitting next to my window, listening to rain fall here in Denver. It's a little different. The intensity that could be isn't there. It's softly falling, consistent and probably in 15 minutes, it will be done.

I fell like the rain is consistent of who I am these days too...I'm a little disruptive, a little commanding, and a little out of place. I'm feeling it in every area. I went to see The Devil Wears Prada today, and it struck a cord in me. One area was my job...I've realized that my job isn't where I'm suppose to be. I love to travel, I love to visit places I've never been. Currently my job doesn't provide that opportunity. I've been blinded by own lack of desires recently...I've become complacent.

So, I'm taking little steps to remember how to love myself. I purchased this amazing photo this week and I'm willing to discover what it means to me. I will continue to choose relationships that continue to choose me, and I will continue to be like the rain. Refreshing, unexpected, ever-changing.

a shock, I know...

I work in a part of Denver called Cherry Creek. For me, it's the pretentious, yuppies who are trying to prove to each other that they matter more. We have an arts festival every year that encompasses all of Cherry Creek.

So, instead of attempting to drive today, I took the bus...for the first time ever. I never took it in Chicago, I couldn't understand it. However, Denver's (at least my little part of it) is pretty damn easy.

But I won't lie, it stressed me out like crazy this morning. Here's no shocker, I like to be in control (ultimately, it deals with a greater part of my story, but for a different post). Being on the bus this morning was a lack of control. I couldn't figure out when it would be here (exactly), I couldn't initially figure out where I was suppose to stand...but I did figure it out, and I really enjoyed it. In fact, I'm wondering if it would be good for my soul to do it more often...but something to consider later.

Kelly is still here...a BBQ tonight, the pool, dinner with BA, Sara, and David tomorrow....dancing at Mynt, and then she leaves...and I know in the midst of all of it, good, deep conversations will occur and that's what I need right now.

PS-I love him, I do

revolution...

Revolution defined as: "A sudden or momentous change in a situation". I feel like my last few weeks, months have been leading me up to this.

A momentous change in a situation. I'm taking control of my relational world (or the lack there of on a scale that I know it to be). It's not what it was, it may never be again, but I know that what I have is what I need. Granted there are a few relationships in the recent weeks that have left me abandoned, hurt, crushed, but until there is movement, I will continue in my momentous change.

What does that mean? Little things like internet in my house, iTunes on all the time, less tv, more im's. Running a 5-k in September for AIDS. Seeing and spending time with Kelly this weekend, choosing eHarmony since I can't meet men at the bars (and perhaps it isn't can't as much as I don't want to). Laughing more, crying more, confiding in Sara more...choosing relationships that move me towards transforming. Reading on how to incorporate psychology and theology. Remembering that I did go to seminary for a reason..

So, who knows where this revolution will lead me...but it started with Tiff being here and will be propelled by Kelly being here and eventually devoting more to the people who want me to simply be me...

One year later...

Oh holy hell, I've been here one year...

And to be honest, if you couldn't tell based upon the posts of the last year, it hasn't been easy or fun. Don't get me wrong, I love Denver, I love Sara and David, Vivian and the small portion of community I have experienced. But overall, this year has been hellish.

And what made me realize I had been here a year wasn't some grand moment in time...I was walking to my last small group and ran into Shawn...oh Shawn...Shawn is my neighbor and the neighbor I made out with the first month I was here. I met Shawn the first night I was here because all my neighbors were sitting out on the porch drinking a beer. I don't know...so don't bother asking. It was seeing him as I walked down Pennsylvania that I realized I had been here a year.

Painful, not running into him, but just the year that has been. While the moments of pure joy seem distant, I know they are there and I know I am committed to seeing what type of community I can be a part of here. But the moments of loneliness seem to be running through my head right now...perhaps that is more due to the fact that I was in therapy last night and he said somethings that stung.

So, one year down in Colorado...I'm officially a native (weird, I know).

In other news, Tiffany was here last weekend and it was so refreshing to my soul. To have her here and experience what life is like to me, that was amazing. To have Sara, Maria and Beth spend time with her and get to know her, beautiful. I love her more and more and I realized how much I do miss her...she is an amazing woman. So thank you for coming...that weekend alone did more for my soul than anything I could have needed in my life.

a weekend that was, in fact, community...

I looked across my front porch Friday night and realized that this was the most community I had felt here in a long time. Sara, Hayden, Viv, Beth Anne, Sheralee, Maria D., Maria G., and Jared had all come over to grill. We sat around, laughing talking and just simply being. It was all the community I had hoped for when I first moved here one year ago and finally I had it.

Saturday was spent seeing a movie and going to see Second City. A good laugh and alone time, both beautiful for my soul. Spending time with people, Viv, Maria G., and Maria D., was great simply because there was no expectation of what would happen...except a good time.

Sunday we were invited to the Warwick to enjoy their roof top pool. Imagine 4 working professionals acting like 10 year olds. Marco Polo, seeing who could hold their breath the longest, somersaults...it was awesome. Again, community at its finest.

One thing I'm beginning to realize is that my community is really decent. I have Sara and David who love me deeply and encourage me to be me. Vivian has known my story for 4 years and we often have the exact same thought process. Jared, a brother in hiding, who can finish my sentences and is a concert friend. Sheralee and Maria, who are beautiful women in my life who continue to encourage and love me well. Beth Anne, who pursues me for random Liks runs and can go deep with me, shares equally, and loves to laugh with me...I have some decent aspects of community.

Perhaps, I won't ever be included with the popular kids (just like high school) and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt less...it just means that the people I choose to spend time with bring me life and for that I am grateful.

And my community from afar is slowly joining me here...Tiffany this weekend, Kelly at the end of June, Christie in August...now if only Bri and Craig would get their tails out here, that would be awesome....

Because my friends are hilarious

My friends, Maria and Vivie wrote the story for me while I was missing in action from our daily email banter. Please enjoy.


Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Meghan. now Meghan was really special princess, and not just because her name was spelled with an "h”. she also had a very special gift and people from the entire kingdom would travel for days just to sit in her court. Her court had the best Jesters in kingdoms... And there was a very special Jester among them... Zachariah Braffsterlen. Now Zachariah Braffsterlen was not only the funniest Jester in all the world, he was also the most beautiful man for miles and miles! (to the chagrin of the prince of course. as Princess Meghan was betrothed to the Prince of Asternim, Prince Tucker.. (ps - chagrin - good word!) Prince Tucker, Lord of the Bow Tie, was well educated, a well off prince, a fine catch for any young princess, and yet Princess Meghan's affections were inexplicably tied to the lowly beautiful Jester. “But I'm a Princess!!! How am I attracted to the Jester?!" Those were the words that would go through Princess Meghan's mind all day...And she was very aware of her attempts to even fool herself - as attraction was to mild of a word... But how could she admit that she was in love?!?!? She knew she was supposed to be in love with Prince Tucker... yet she knew that she was only attracted to him. One morning, as Princess Meghan was contemplating this very conundrum, Jester Zachariah Braffsterlen arrived for a long day of court earlier than usual. It took every ounce of strength the Princess had to say "Good Morning" instead of "Hello my love.” The Jester was taken aback by the Princess address - he was not performing his entertainment duties and still she addressed him... Unbenowst (sp?) to the princess, deep down he was glad that she did - and unbenowst (sp?) to the jester, she saw the sparkle in his countenance. Their mutual attraction, or dare I say affection, was immediately irresistible and they were drawn to each other's arms like a fish to water. She could smell his scent... the scent that has nothing to do with perfumes and all to do with who he is - and she found herself home for the first time... no castle or summer palace could compare to being in his arms. Suddenly - just as Princess Meghan and Jester Zachariah Braffsterlen were becoming more comfortable on the journey of getting to know one another in the biblical sense, Prince Tucker walked into the court with a beautiful bouquet of Gerbera Daisies for the princess. He was aghast at what he found! "YOU ARE MY FIANCEE!!!!" He yelled at the top of his lung, "And he is nothing but a Jester!" Ears had never heard such scorn and contempt... He stormed out of the castle! Princess Meghan wrenched herself out of the arms of her beloved Jester and ran after him. She had to explain - as much as she loved Zachariah Braffsterlen she couldn't bear to see Prince Tucker in such pain. But Prince Tucker wouldn't have it... His honor was destroyed... He faced no choice... He had to face the Jester in a duel <> The local armsman - Sir Ted Nugent - ran to get a pair of dueling pistols. My oh my? What is going to happen - you'll find out, right after the break. Zachariah finds himself in a quandary - he's never held a gun before... His weapons of choice are his wit and his charisma... but how would he employ them in this scenario? It was determined by the crowd that gathered (every good duel needs a crowd) that Prince Tucker and the Jester would each choose a pistol, stand back to back, take 10 long strides, turn and shoot - whomever made it out alive would win Princess Meghan, who was understandably distraught over the entire proposition. Out of the woods came a mysterious stranger claiming to be the world famous funny-man Lord Paperseller. The key is in distraction he said quietly to Jester Zachariah. Use your wit and charisma to distract the Prince, then's the time to attack. Princess Meghan and Zachariah's eyes met - hers filled with tears, his filled with confusion and despair... Each man picked his pistol and as they stood back to back the Jester asked the Prince a question. Have you seen the one with the crab? Be careful out there...I peench. Prince Tucker knew exactly what he was talking about - and did his best to keep his composure...Zachariah knew that he had found his weakness - he likes funny jokes! With his new found confidence Zachariah began the long journey of 10 strides - all the while using his skills in joking to distract the Prince. The Prince on the other hand began to doubt himself - if he was so easily distracted, how was he going to win the Princess? Maid Gort and Maid Berrios-Torres (that's right, Princess Meghan's court was international) came to their Mistress side - full of confidence that the Jester already had the upperhand... Meanwhile, in the background, the Paperboy was cheering on the Jester, knowing that he couldn't stop Princess Meghan from her original true love... She only wanted her to be happy... Without warning Prince Tucker turned early and began firing! He wasn't about to let his true love get away that easily! "Hey, what did you do that for?" Zachariah exclaimed... the bullet only brushed his sleeve, damaging the shirt and not hurting him in a bit... Princess Meghan and Maid Gort and Maid Berrios-Torres could barely breathe! What was going to happen next? While Jester Zachariah was not injured he was infuriated! He too turned and began shooting - finding intense energy in his rage. He had no idea what he was doing - no control over his actions...Maid Mandy got hurt - but no one really cared... Both the Prince and the Jester ran out of bullets and a stifling silence settled on the clearing. Everyone wanted to know what had happened. <> The only audible force was the wind..."I don't want to do this anymore" said Zachariah..."Here, in front of everyone, I confess that I'm in love with you - from the first day I saw you... me riding the unicycle while juggling, you laughing so hard you started to cry... your eyes pierced me and I knew I would never be the same... And I know that you will never be mine, as I am a lowly Jester, and you are, well, a Princess..." In that moment Prince Tucker (who was still alive - neither man was a great shot) knew what he had to do. He slowly peeled himself off the cold damp grass - but no one noticed, all eyes were on Jester Zachariah. "I love you my Princess" he said "And that love drives me to let you go. If you choose me, you will make me the happiest man on the face of the earth. And - I want you to be happy, so the choice is yours my love." This is the moment she had been waiting for!!! She was about to announce her obvious choice, when all of the sudden..."As long as we're doing this... Princess Meghan, I'm in love with you as well... I know I can't control you or force you to chose me. But I needed you to know... If I can be one of your choices, then, I needed to give it a shot (no pun intended with the duel)" It was the Paperboy. Princess Meghan was floored and overwhelmed. This changed everything! Maid Gort reminded her of Maid Cooper's timeless bit of advice: "When you're wondering who you really love, ask yourself who you'd rather be standing outside your burning apartment with?" And in that moment Princess Meghan knew who it was she loved. Princess Meghan knew that all three men would hold her and comfort her in the event of a fire or other disaster. However, there was only one man who would make her laugh and move forward. Princess Meghan turns to the Paperboy..."Thank you so much for your words... I'm sorry I can't reciprocate this...""I chose you, Jester of my heart!" Prince Tucker was speechless. He got on his horse and rode into the sunset...The devastated Paperboy started to walk away as well. His heart was broken, yet he accepted his fate. "What about your honor? Your crown?" asked the Jester "I would renounce it all in a heartbeat just to be with you". Their first kiss was the most memorable kiss in the story of humanity...<>"What are you thinking about, honey?" asked Megs. "Are you daydreaming again?" Zach was caught! He knew he and his alterego J.D. drifted away every now and then, and he couldn't hide this from his wife of 10 years...He just smiled..."Honey, get ready!" said Zach, "We'll be late for our double date with Jim and Pam"

The End

because I want this to be true in my own life...

Our deepest fear is not

that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are

powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all to make manifest

the glory of Godthat is within us.

It's not just within some of us;

it's in everyone.

And as we let our light shine,

we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,

our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

This is the way to kick off summer...

On July 5th, my friend Jared and I are going to see Counting Crows (my favorite band of all time) and the Goo Goo Dolls in concert at Red Rocks.

Yeah, that's right, we'll be sitting in the 27th row...I can't wait to see my Adam up close and personal!!

For some reason, I expected this to be different

I don't get...I really don't. For me, self-confidence is something I've never had. I've never seen myself as attractive, beautiful, intelligent, funny, etc. I know so much of that has to do with the way I was raised and some of the verbal abuse I suffered. The lies that are in my head are often times violent and unforgivable and it's hard to remember that they are just lies.

Over the last 4 years, I've had someone there telling me it wasn't true. Actually I had a group of people helping me redefine everything and helping me realize what was true and reality. However, this week, that entire wall has crumbled. There aren't even pieces still standing. I feel ashamed, abandoned, alone in the same breath. I tear up every chance I get to think about what's really going on in my life right now...and to be honest, I don't feel like I have chance in hell to change it this time.

Shouldn't transformation be an opportunity for the lies to fully die, where they no longer can make you feel like an idiot, unwanted, a failure, a whale? Shouldn't the love of the Trinity be enough to be the truth you cling to?

Right now, I don't think it's possible and I can't decide if it's worth fighting for the truth...

Because Saturday night was so random, so is this post.

Do you ever suffer from boredom? Perhaps you need a laugh? On Craigslist, you can post your missed connection, you know, you see that person from across the room and you wish you had enough courage to talk to them, but didn't so you are hoping they'll read this and want to connect with you. A majority of these people are serious, however, people like this are simply wanting to help people through their day. Browse through sometime...there is sure to be a laugh at some point.

Random topic: Saturday night.

My dear friend Vivie invited us all over for dinner and then dancing at Mynt. Dinner was wonderful, dancing was great. At some point in the evening a friend told me that the guy she was dancing with might be named Joe...it was only until later in the night that this was confirmed (and by later, I mean as we were walking to the car to take him home). I talked with some random boy for about an hour (I just found out this morning that his name was Mark), multiple bottles of Grey Goose were purchased and thankfully I felt fine the next morning. Mynt always provides interesting moments. I'm hoping Kelly will want to go there if/when she comes to visit.

Otherwise, I'm returning my skis today, since I'm done skiing for the season and hopefully can get some shopping done. I've realized since I didn't think I would be in a job that would require me to dress up this long, I have no appropriate spring/summer wear. Time to get out and go shopping...shoes, dresses, everything...hopefully good deals too!

Oh yes, my boss is out for 2 weeks...I can get some work done!!

Confession time...

So, I secretly love the Dixie Chicks. I do not own any country music (expect some would say Ryan Adams is alternative country, but that's neither here nor there right now).

And as I was getting ready this morning, I saw their new music video on Vh1. I stopped and watched the video that was before me. It's probably a response to the backlash that happened when they used their 1st amendment rights and spoke out against the president.

I love this song. If I had internet at home, I would have downloaded it right then, but until then, I'll just focus on the lyrics...

Not Ready To Make Nice
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Hope...

Dictionary.com defines it as "To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment." Another definition is "to expect and desire".

What I know to be true is that I can only get through today if I have some hope.

As I sat across from a friend last night, and cried over their pain, it was obvious that they had very little hope left. And I gave them full permission to use some of mine. Borrow from me, I told them.

And then I realized something deep about myself.

I have hope for everyone I know. I have hope that they will become more fully themselves that the Trinity created. I have hope that their lives will be transformed and that they will become more alive.

I have hope for Radius. That it will become a church that will change the world. That it will be a community I love and can be authentic with and eventually will change me. That we will be something unstoppable.

I have hope for Denver. That this city will be home to people, that the crack that is sold outside of my door will stop and that it will be a place that people dream of living in one day. I have hope that the government will make wise choices for the people that live here.

I have hope for the world (I know that saying has been abused by some, but I'm being serious here). That people will know the truth and the truth will set them free. I have hope that people will be more loving, more giving, more honest. That we will be able to live in love and freedom for all.

Here's the kicker...I don't have much hope for myself. There are moments when I don't believe I deserve the best. When I don't believe in myself, when I lie to myself that everything is fine and okay, I have no hope for me. It's harder for me to have hope for myself than for everyone and everything else around me. Perhaps it was rooted in high school when I learned about humility for the first time, or perhaps earlier, but this for some reason appears to be a bigger problem. Because right now, I feel a little hopeless for myself.

So for my friend, I will hope all the best for you if in return you'll have a little hope for me.

Oh...My...God...I need a date...

I was flipping through the TV last night and came across MSNBC. As I sat there while Tucker Carlson rambled on about how you really maybe don't need a college degree (which I didn't agree with, but whatever), the following thought ran across my mind...

"wow, he's kinda cute..."

It was right after that though that I realized I need a date and soon. Oh and I threw up a little in my mouth.

ISO: a new look

While I've had this blog for a while (2 years), I'm realizing that since I put my counter on my blog I'm getting ready to hit 10,000 hits.

And this might not seem like a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to me. And to be honest, I hate the look it currently has. I want it to reflect me, what I like, what I love, my personality in blog form.

I'm having the hardest time finding someone who would be able to redesign this blog and teach me how to update. And I'm even willing to pay...

So, if for some reason someone from Denver comes across this blog and wants to help me in this endeavor...let me know because as a "congrats! you've hit 10,000" I'd like it to look better.

I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall...

While I tend to hide from pop music, I recently came across this song and realized that this is how I want to live my life. Not afraid of taking risks, not afraid of loving, not afraid of being relational with someone, anyone who responds.

I want to live in a world that allows me to be fully me and you fully you and see what happens through the pain and beauty of it all. I want to be strong and confident and not worry that others are pushed or tweaked by that. I want to be me...fully.

Thank you, you 17 year old for writing the lyrics I can't get out of my head...

Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you
If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room
I would
That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
To get through to you
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

Easter Sunday...sunny, 72 degrees

As I was sitting at St. Mark's Coffeehouse yesterday, trying to figure out what happened to my 1300 iTunes collection, Vivian and Sheralee sent me this picture.

I love technology.

Vote or Die

Since we are 2 years till the next election, hopefully Diddy will come up with a better slogan.

However, if you are dying to vote between now and then, my friend Sheralee is attempting to get her picture onto a label of Jones Soda.

Please go here and vote for her!

For your FYI-You'll know it's her picture because it has her name underneath it and says Denver, CO.

You have got to be kidding me...

While others in this town might be excited, I personally feel like our beautiful city is about to be bastardized by this event taking place.

Damn you MTV!

Maybe I'm just angry because I can't participate. Because obviously, 26 is too old.

If I could turn back time....

I had a friend overhear their neighbor recently singing that one line in the shower yesterday. I couldn't resist putting it on the blog. However, the identity of both the singer and the listener will remain anonymous.

This weekend, because so many of you have asked, was good overall. There were moments of people moving towards people they haven't in a while. There were moments to escape with God and simply just be. There was a moment of driving through Este Park and having all the windows down singing at the top of our lungs "Bohemian Rhapsody" (and by the way, we sounded much better than Kellie Pickler did last night on Idol). But the beauty of the weekend for me was the moment I sat with God and asked for the one thing I needed to do. I was ready and willing to hear anything...what I heard was so gentle, so sweet I knew it was exactly what I needed. What I heard was that I needed to be content. While the last 10 months have been difficult, I have been blessed by new friendships and old ones. I've been blessed by having people speak into my life who I didn't know a year ago and who I want to do life with. God simply asked, not in a contemptuous way or a shaming way, but simply could I be content with the relationships that have been given to me and live with those? We would get to the other stuff, the pain, the lack of knowing eventually, but could I sit with the 8 people who have moved toward me and I love to spend time with? The answer was yes...

In the midst of all of this, I caught some damn cold that is kicking my tail. I hate being sick. I hate the fact that I can't breathe at night or that my ear feels like it's about to pop when I blow my nose. I know standing out in the rain probably didn't help, but it's killing me softly.

And this week is looking good. VH1 brought back an awesome show (Tuesdays 8/7 c), you should check it out. Vivian and I are bringing back Good Fridays to Denver and Sheralee talked me into Easter Sunrise services on Sunday...and until then, I'll keep sitting with this Oscar Wilde quote:

"Who, being loved, is poor?"

amen...

Enjoy your kids, you skinny bitch...

A. There is no contempt in that statement (at least from my end).
B. It is in reference to something that happened last night.

So, let me tell you about last night...and the craziness that ensued and how I'm paying for it this morning.

About a week ago, I was sitting in Maria's apartment reading the Westword. It was their "Best of Denver" edition and I wanted to see the things I was missing out on. After realizing that the Cricket had been ripped off for not having the best burger in town, I stumbled across the Best $5 Manicure and $5 Martini night. What? There is such a thing? In Denver? It was too good to be true.

Club Evolution, a local dance club here in Denver, offers $5 Martinis and $5 Manicure Mondays. Every Monday night, you can sip your favorite martini and have a cheap (with no polish) manicure. We had to go try it out. Maria, Sara, Vivian, and I drove over last night and crazy is the only word I can use to describe what happened.

There were like 5 people there when we arrive and 5 people when we left. The manicurists were slowly becoming drunk, and the bartender was an ass. The two other people, Chris (an off duty bartender) and Brett (a beautiful man in a beautiful leather jacket), helped out, but it was crazy. We connected with these people. We invited them into our worlds, and they invited us into theirs (that's mostly because Sara is the most beautiful soul you will ever meet and being around her just opens space in your soul).

Finally, we left around 12:30 because I desperately wanted to get to bed and didn't express that real well until we were in the car driving home (I need to realize that my desires aren't bad and aren't entirely crushing to others...I struggled again with that last night). By the time I crawled into bed, it was past 1:00 am, and getting only 5 hours of sleep is not helpful. Neither is the headache I felt this morning due to lack of sleep, but that's besides the point.

So to Lacey, Mary, Brett, Chris and Billy who helped make Monday, April 4th the most random damn night we had had in the longest time, thank you. We'll be back again soon...

hmm...

I recently pulled out my Toad the Wet Sprocket best of cd. I love it, not only because it reminds me of Young Life but because it's great driving music. One of the songs keeps ringing in my heart and I feel like it expresses the swirling I'm feeling right now.

The key lyric in this that keeps me up at night is the following: "That it is lonely here, but not alone". This is something I need to remember on a daily basis...That I do feel the pains of loneliness, and I am not alone. I am blessed by people who deeply care for me, and for those people I am eternally grateful. Without them, I would have checked out 7 months ago.

One part of me just wants to tell you everything
One part just needs the quiet
And if I'm lonely here, I'm lonely here
And on the telephone
You offer reassurance
I will not take these things for granted
How can I hold the part of me that only you can carry
It needs a strength I haven't found
But if it's frightening, I'll bear the cold
And on the telephone
You offer warm asylum
I'm listening
Flowers in the garden
Laughter in the hall
Children in the park
I will not take these things for granted
Anymore
To crawl inside the wire and feel something near me
To feel this accepting
That it is lonely here, but not alone
And on the telephone
You offer visions dancing
I'm listening
Music in the bedroom
Laughter in the hall
Dive into the ocean
Singing by the fire
Running through the forest
And standing in the wind
In rolling canyons
I will not take these things for granted

He doesn't know where Wyoming is!!

First things first, I'd like to thank this person, for allowing me to download this picture and post it on my blog. I did not take it, I did not bring my camera. All props go to her!

Guster is by far one of my favorite bands. If you look at my iTunes, you'll notice that they have multiple songs in the list and that I listen to them on a regular basis. It's good "hey, it's spring/summer music, I'm driving doing errands today and I want something to bounce around too."

I've seen them multiple times...almost dying at the first show I went to at the Taste of Chicago two summers ago (by the way, now that it's spring and it's warming up, I'm starting to miss Chicago because there is tons to do in Chicago in the summer). Another show I saw with my dear, beautiful friend Andy had the Barenaked Ladies running across the stage in their underwear.

The beautiful thing of seeing Guster in concert is that it's truly a community experience. The fans are incredible, the show itself is so much fun, and the fans are singing so loud that you can't hear the boys themselves play. Again, i was reminded about community after seeing them last night in Fort Collins.

Once I heard that Guster was coming to Colorado, I sent out an email to see if anyone wanted to join me. Jared said that he would go with me to a show. On Saturday night, we hopped into my car and drove to Ft. Collins. It was raining, and we hadn't connected in a long time. It was good conversation in the car and when we arrived in Ft. Collins, I was starving. Since no one was selling tickets yet, we decided to run to Old Chicago (a place I will forever hold dear in my heart due to Bethel...sigh) for dinner. After dinner, no one was selling their tickets yet, so I started asking anyone that walked by. It was raining and slowly I was becoming tired of asking. I was soaking wet, but wanted to see the show. I saw two people run to the side of the building and I sent J to see what was going down. Eventually, that proved fruitful because we bought tickets. Granted it was $20 more than I wanted to pay, but after the show, it was worth every penny.

We got inside and met these people from Wyoming. Drunk as all get out, but the nicest people in the world. When J was asked if he knew where Casper, WY was, and when he said no, they proceeded to say that he has no idea where Wyoming is located. We laughed, danced, heard a new guy that is totally worth buying a cd from. The show was amazing. Guster's energy was felt throughout the crowd. The dancing (even with the white-man's overbite) was incredible. And the fact they are coming back to Denver this summer makes me so excited.

I'm reminded every time I see a show how much I love concerts. I love the energy, the spiritual experience, the music, the crowd, the sense of community. And in the space I'm in right now of hardness, confusion, and swirling, I'll take all the space I can get...

I couldn't resist

My brother sent me this picture of my nephew...It's just too damn cute not to put up.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

I came across that ee cummings quote today and realized how much I love it. And as I searched for more, I found the following...I appreciate those who know exactly what I am feeling and put it into the words I cannot find...

"To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. "

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. "

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

My friends Nick and Wendy are getting married in May and this quote was on their wedding invitation. When I opened the wedding invite on Saturday afternoon, after spending the morning with Viv and Maria and then going to Vicky's to enjoy the spring weather, I saw this quote and began to cry.

My life these days has been swirling. And I know the things that typically make me swirl and get graspy, but this feels different. This feels bigger, this feels deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I want more love. I want to be different, to be the person the Trinity ultimately created me to be. I want to understand my limitations and live in those freely. I want to get through my abandonment issues so that I realize that I am never abandonded by the Trinity. I want to be in a room and be so sure of whose I am that the relationships around me aren't making the ebb and flow of the day.

Everything is making me cry these days. I watched the episode of "Sex and the City" last night where Miranda's mother passes away and bawled my eyes out over their friendships. I cried while I was on the phone with the lender because a) I felt like I was being jerked around and 2) I was still on valium (I had a mole removed last week and the valium they put me on to relax me seriously messed with my emotions). I cried after talking to my aunts and uncles last night because none of them know me at all or even wished me a happy birthday a week late. You name it, I've cried at it recently.

I can't put my finger on what's ultimately being tweaked. But I do know that as I walked home from class last Thursday, I realized that my world inside my head is unsafe, and the world outside of me is unsafe. So for now, I'm waking up every morning asking the Trinity to be there with me in the midst of it all.

By the way, it's spring finally, my favorite season and I can't wait to get out and simply be in the sun. Also, today is my best friend's birthday and she's amazing and I love her and wish I could take her out to lunch and celebrate her all day...I'll just have to do it here in Denver.

I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger

While it is amazing that the Beatles released "Can't Buy Me Love" today and the fact that the first liquid-fueled rocket was launched and the "Scarlet Letter" was published today in history, nothing compares to the fact that today I was born.

Yes, today is my birthday. A whopping 26...there are times when I can't believe that. When I think that I'm more suited to be in college or even high school, and not living independently in Denver, working 8-5, and considering purchasing a house.

So, what do I expect from my birthday, the same thing I expect every year that the next year will continue to transform me in becoming fully more of who the Trinity created me to be. That my relationships will go to new levels, that new relationships will be formed and surprise me, that I will cry hard, laugh harder, and smile more.

The beauty of a birthday, I believe, is a time for reflection.

What am I grateful for? Well, fun times with Beth Anne at Liks last night. My friends here. My friends across the country. The sun and cloudless sky in Denver today. My health.

What do I want to grow in? My love of the Trinity. My trust in the Trinity. My love for my friends. My risk taking.

What do I want to change? My perspective on life. My use of defense mechanism. My anger. My contempt. My shame.

So here's to a great 26th year. May it be full of surprises.

And of course, to us partying like rockstars this weekend. :)

Ultimate Birthday #1

Perhaps you are wondering why my ultimate birthday is coming the day before the actual day. Tomorrow's post will be a birthday thought. I'm hoping that this place of realizing some of my shit will subside so I can write a genuine birthday thought and not something that is self-defeating.

So, are you on the edge of your seat to figure out the best birthday ever? Well, no surprise, it's actually the day I was born.

Many of you probably don't know that I was born in Louisville, Kentucky. The funny story about my birth is that supposedly, my dad attempted to make potato salad and it was so bad that it caused my mom to go into labor.

I was born one minute short of St. Patrick's Day, 11:59 pm on March 16, 1980. I was 7lbs, a few ounces and about 20 inches long. The beauty of my birthday is that I shared it with my grandmother for 26 years and my sister was born 10 years before me on March 14th. My cousin was born on March 17th and he's now a freshman at LSU. So March is a good month for my family.

Plus in March I know at least 10 people who have birthdays. Yes it was a pain in high school, but these are people who mean a ton to me.

So happy birthday! and get ready to celebrate....it's gonna be big.

Ultimate Birthday #2

2002- 22nd Birthday

Having a birthday that typically falls in the middle of March, means only one thing. Spring Break typically falls before, after or during the blessed celebration time.

Don't get me wrong, I've spent some great birthdays in some great places. In high school, I was skiing for 3 years in a row. In college, one year was spent on the sandy beautiful beaches of Nassau, where I loved it.

However, the best birthday I had in college had to have been the trip to London I took with my friend Cara. We had a free place to stay. We went to see the Lion King for 10 pounds, Les Mis, and Gisselle. We actually saw Oceans 11 there too. I sat in a wonderful Starbucks, I went to beautiful museums and had a great time discovering mini rolos (mmm...mini rolos).

The beauty of this birthday was the fact that I realized how much I loved London. I do believe to my toes that I will live there one day. The beauty of their culture, the mix of people, the active life...I love it all. Except for the teeth...I don't like the teeth.

The other beauty of this birthday was the fact that it was damn cheap. Going overseas, for a week and spending only about $700 (total) is amazing and I still look for that deal to this day.

TOP 3 BIRTHDAYS!!

Since I only have 3 days left till my birthday (by the way, you can still buy me something), I've decided to take you on a trip down memory lane of my favorite birthdays to date.

#3 Best Birthday of all time:

2001- 21st Birthday.

My friend Kelly and I share the same birthday week, so for our 21st birthday, we decided to celebrate it together. We started off at some bar in Brookside, where our friends were buying us drinks. I was doing really well, holding my liquor (why wouldn't I?). We were having fun, but decided to go to Have A Nice Day Cafe so we could dance. Becky and I bought a fish bowl, and I believe that I finished most of that off on my own. Here's where my birthday party goes from good to bad.

Jason, who use to be my Young Life leader, decided to buy us shots of jager and I remember sitting on the toilet in Have a Nice Day, trying to cool off. We then proceeded to another place where I drank an amaretto sour with my head on the table and the drink under the table.

So, why would this be an ultimate birthday? Because it's the birthday that every 21 year old dreams of. A majority of 21 year olds want a drunken night of dancing and laughing and that's what I got. I still look at with fond memories. Plus, it was one of the last birthdays I spent with Kelly, and I love that girl.

Tomorrow-Ultimate Birthday #2 2002, London

7 Days and Counting

Last night, I climbed into bed and picked up the book that I am currently reading. I love it, I'm over half way done and this man's contempt is just on the edge of funny and of yikes! But as I was sitting there, trying to slow myself down from the hecticness of my day, I was struck by a very vivid memory of my grandmother's funeral. It was at the moment they closed the casket, the service afterward and them sliding her casket into the tomb. During those three moment back in August, I cried silently, mostly because I was sick and tired of hearing my brother that I had to be strong and that everything happens for a reason. But last night, I wept. I wept for the fact that in 7 days, I will not be able to call my grandmother and wish her a happy birthday. I wept for the fact that she will not send me a cute card that my mom actually picked out for her. I wept for my dad who will not be able to call his mother on her birthday.

Perhaps my birthday this year is not as typically as celebrated like normal. I tend to spend the entire month celebrating. It's hard to celebrate the year that was (2005 sucked) and the year that will be can only go up. My birthday last year was spent with people over a meal, enjoying each other and that situation spoke volumes of love to me. These were people who I knew loved me, unconditionally, who supported me through some of the toughest moments of my life and eventually would become like a family to me. Let's be honest, I don't feel that here, every moment of every day. And I'm willing to be proactive in trying to create it here. And celebrating a birthday with people who are making the choice to celebrate with me is something that I am feeling loved in and through.

I have 7 days left to make my 25th year redeemable. I have 7 days left to update my wish list so that people are scrambling to get me something will actually get me something I want (down with the Bath & Body Works). And I have 7 days to surrender my desire of what I want my birthday to be, and realize that this year, it just might fall short.

What I've been trying to say...

Isn’t found through words, thoughts, or actions
It is found in my intuition.

Perhaps I’m wrong. Perhaps the pain I feel isn’t unique to just me.

What if the whole world was ignoring me? What if I was completely alone?

Would You still be enough?

This is the question that roles through my head
Like a constant drip in your faucet or the humming of the lights

That question doesn’t stop.

So, what if the whole world was ignoring me? What if I was completely alone? What if everyone person I reached out to didn’t follow through?

Would You still be enough?

The quietness of my soul
Rings out for something to answer it

A wave crashes over my boat
The boat with no oars, no spot, no direction
And I begin to flail

I steal from other’s believe
That You are good
That You will provide
That You will protect
And that all this pain isn't in vain

And still I wonder
If this is my life…

Would You still be enough?

It's hard to deny when it's on international tv

A few months ago, Nick and Jeff decided that it would be appropriate to bring back the phrase "to the max". While I appreciate many of the things that Radius has taught me (cheeve, Iowa football, Denver) I was against "to the max". Who would honestly use it? Why would it be deemed appropriate to use in a setting? Of course their energy towards it only made me push back harder. And then Beth Anne started using it, and that was just funny but it still didn't make me want to use it.

However, last night on the Oscars, right after Jennifer Gardner almost fell on international tv, she said the phrase I've been denying...to the max. Of course, everyone went crazy, I laughed so hard I started crying and now I know it's going to catch on. I can't deny it any longer (and no offense to Tsinia, but a store name does not make something appropriate to say).

So officially, I will begin to embrace "to the max". This does not mean that I will begin using it, I just won't create a petition to stop it.

By the way, I thought the Oscars were awesome last night. Great job Jon Stewart! It was you...to the max. ;o)

MOVING SALE MARCH 4TH ENTIRE APARTMENT

No, I'm not moving, but my friend Wendy is...so here's the details!

1642 Ogden Denver, CO 80218

All things must go Saturday March 4

Items include: furniture, dishes, kitchenware, brand new 19" flatscreen TV, electronics equipment, many items are free

Saturday 3/4 8:30 am - 12:00 pm

I personally think this is a beautiful idea...

If you are looking for a highly appropriate idea for a birthday gift for me (March 16th, you didn't forget did you???), this would be awesome!!

Being in the state that I am in...

I was driving to lunch today (I'm having a shitty day, I treated myself to this) and I was listening to the lyrics from Alanis Morissette's song entitled "thank u". I don't know why, but I was struck by the lyrics of this song...perhaps it's because of the mess I am in and how I want to say thank you to all those things I've used to protect myself and now I'm ready to be done with them.

As if to tell them, thank you and bye-bye. Imagine if one day, this song was really true for me. That I could remember my divinity. That I could realize the death didn't mean stopping, and what if I could really thank the silence...

Thank you Trinity for brining this song to me in the midst of my neediness.

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
yeah yeah ahh ohhh ahhh ho oh ahhh ho ohhhhhh yeaahhhh yeahh

if it crosses your mind...

I've been sitting in a hard place since this weekend.

Overall Friday, Saturday and Sunday were hard...Don't get me wrong there were moments of beauty (thanks Vivie).

However, since Sunday night, I've begun spinning and I don't know why.

I feel like I'm not communicating myself clearly.

I feel like I'm not being heard (which makes sense since I'm not communicating clearly).

I feel like I'm defending what I think, feel and believe even within myself.

And ultimately, I feel like I'm back in the middle of an ocean, sitting alone in my boat and there is nothing and no one around me to show me where I need to go.

So, if it crosses your mind today, could you send me some good vibes. I feel like I'm losing my mind.