Thursday, May 04, 2006

For some reason, I expected this to be different

I don't get...I really don't. For me, self-confidence is something I've never had. I've never seen myself as attractive, beautiful, intelligent, funny, etc. I know so much of that has to do with the way I was raised and some of the verbal abuse I suffered. The lies that are in my head are often times violent and unforgivable and it's hard to remember that they are just lies.

Over the last 4 years, I've had someone there telling me it wasn't true. Actually I had a group of people helping me redefine everything and helping me realize what was true and reality. However, this week, that entire wall has crumbled. There aren't even pieces still standing. I feel ashamed, abandoned, alone in the same breath. I tear up every chance I get to think about what's really going on in my life right now...and to be honest, I don't feel like I have chance in hell to change it this time.

Shouldn't transformation be an opportunity for the lies to fully die, where they no longer can make you feel like an idiot, unwanted, a failure, a whale? Shouldn't the love of the Trinity be enough to be the truth you cling to?

Right now, I don't think it's possible and I can't decide if it's worth fighting for the truth...

4 comments:

Amie said...

You are in NO WAY an idiot, unwanted, unlovable, a whale, or any other bad thing that you think in your head.
You are completely loved, accepted, wanted and beautiful. Lean into your Father right now, He looks at you as his beloved daughter, beautiful inside and out. I have no idea what happened this week to bring you to such despair, but know what it is like to have the lies overpower the truth.
Don't let the lies win, Meg. You are worthy of love. You are completely loved. And my prayer for you is that your community steps up and embraces you in the midst of your pain.

Meghan said...

Thanks for you comments Amie...I believe that the community will and has already, it's just an increasing level of pain that needs to be grieved that got triggered by abandonment.

Maria said...

wow - I can't say anything better than amie! and I affirm that each and every word of it is absolutely true!

I love you Meghan.

Borrego said...

You are not alone, the important thing is that you know that and you reach out, writting what you did must have been terapeutic, and velieve me, there are a lot of poeple out there that can relate, it WILL be ok, hang in there.