to be moved...

Lately, I've been moved by music, which isn't a shock considering that God typically speaks to me through media. I downloaded these songs and I can't get them out of my head.

One of the songs, a song by The Fray (a Denver band), has brought me to tears. When I finally sat down to listen to the words, I was struck by what they actually had to say:

How to Save a Life...
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

What's unique to me in this song is the sense of "I get it". I've lost too many friends along the way due to decisions that I have made. These choices were right for me...I'm sorry you felt like I chose something other than our friendship, but you choosing out of it hasn't been easy either. These choices were ultimately right for me but not for the friendship I was in at the time. Perhaps I'll never know how the other person felt in the process of me choosing, but I would have stayed up all night had I know how to save a life.

The other song that I can't quit playing on repeat is by Fiona Apple.

Oh Well...
What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen
Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well

What I believe to be true about me is that I deeply believe in relationships. Perhaps there is some codependence there, but to my core, it's all about relationships. They transform you in the way they rub up against you, the way they push you to reconsider life, the way they help you see the life. While everyone may not agree that it's all about the relationships you have in your life, I fully believe that in the end, it's the Ultimate relationship with the Other that moves you towards love. My relational world here in Denver these days relies on 4 people who pursue me on a regular basis. My love for them has gotten me through the last year...if it wasn't for them, I would have checked myself into a mental hospital. However, for the rest of the people in my life who have made it hard for me to connect...oh well...there is so much to say and not say and for now, I'll stay in my apartment remembering that there are people who do believe in the stuff and for them, I'm willing to go all the way.