The blog I want to write

Isn't fully possible right now.

Mostly because I, myself, don't know exactly what I mean or what I want to say. And every time I go through it in my head, I can't explain it to myself.

Which leaves me even more frustrated, heartbroken, and angry.

And last night, as I watched American Idol, one of the woman sang Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" and I started bawling.

So until I can figure out what the hell I truly mean, this has to be my prayer:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

86 days

I can't believe that I leave for Kenya in 86 days.

In 86 days, my life will be changed forever.

In 86 days, my friendship with Bri will go to a whole new level.

However, in 21 days, all of my money is due for my trip. And if I were Bri, this wouldn't be an issue.

But for me it is.

I have 17 days till I need to transfer all of my money out of my account and write a big check. And I'm still needing to raise $2,100. I'm willing to put it on my credit card or dip into the savings I have, but still that's a lot of money.

I'm confident it will happen, in some fashion, but if you are contemplating giving, please visit my site before the 17 days are up and donate to my trip. Because when you give, you come with me on my trip...and I'd love to have you there.

Easter time again...

As a young child, thankfully, I never walked in on my parents. While I know some of my friends have, my eyes were never exposed to that.

What does this have to do with Easter? I think last year's Easter could be described as a similar feeling.

When I climbed the fire escape to join some people, I walked into a room where I didn't belong. The entire room felt as if I was the odd man out. I was out of place and realized that I wasn't suppose to be, much what I suppose it feels like to walk in on your parents.

I think it was in that moment I realized what was actually going on within the community I had supposedly joined. I realized it was over. While I had feelings of what might be going on for a while, it was last Easter that truly solidify what I had been feeling.

This Easter is different. I'm spending the morning doing laundry, cleaning my house, and getting ready for church tonight. I'm having dinner with friends and then going to the mansion to house sit for the next two weeks.

I'm hoping this Easter can redeem the failure that last Easter was because the icky feeling that comes with remembering needs to be removed.

perhaps my greatest excitement today

I love him, I do...

just to let the whole world

I'm sick and tired of dealing with shame...I kinda wish I could trade it in for another core issue...

On Becoming a Domestic Goddess

In my previous life, I would spend Saturdays lounging around, getting coffee, doing nothing...however after purchasing the house, things have changed.

This Saturday proves this point. On my list of things to do, laundry, go to Home Depot, clean the top level of my house, watch the new sofa be delivered and maybe go to the grocery store.

I think the most surprising thing on that list is going to Home Depot. I have to buy pots and soil to replant some housewarming gifts. I've never had a green thumb, I once killed a plastic plant. So having four living things in my house and I feel like I'm neglecting them. Oh, and I need hedge clippers because supposedly I have a couple of rose bushes on my back porch. It all feels a little daunting to me.

So, I'm off to the Depot. I'm hoping I can navigate my way around the store. I have a strong suspicion that the Depot is like a drug, you can't just get away once.

Got 14 minutes to spare?

Then watch this video sent to me by my friend Sara (perhaps the best part, the wonderful graphics done in microsoft paint):

$3275

I just received my final tab for the trip and this is how much I have left to raise.

I often fear that I'm not going to make it. My friend Bri is a rockstar and only has like $380 left to raise. She's kicking ass and taking names as she gets all of her funds in way before she even has to.

I'm trying to remain faithful, that it will all come together, but sometimes it's hard to remember...

So, still looking for donors...near and far. Please consider giving...go here.

I'm feeling that I could get desperate really quick and I don't want to be desperate.

I felt so loved this weekend

In 2005, I had the best birthday. Friends sitting around a dinner table, not needing to carry the conversation, but letting the conversation flow, enjoying each other, feeling loved in ways I had never experienced.

In 2006, well, it sucked. I couldn't understand why people who had never had a desire to be in relationship with me showed up. Granted, I did invite them, but they could have said no. I sat there and watched 2 women come late and leave early and I thought I was friends with these people. 2 men hijacked my TV to watch the basketball games instead of celebrating me, because the silence was too much to bear. What we did afterward, I don't remember, and trying to forget that birthday is worth it.

However, this year was beautiful. Thursday night, I started off with dinner with friends. We went to the Cricket, enjoyed burgers and beers, laughing, talking and simply being. It felt like a family dinner. Friday I took off from work, i wanted to celebrate my day fully. I slept in, watched Dawson's Creek, made the best breakfast burrito ever, went to the Container Store, lunch with Sara and then to the DU gymnastics meet. It was great...Saturday night we went to the Front Porch, drank for free (at least I did), laughed, danced and felt appreciated.

That's the word...appreciated.

In the last year, in friendships that ended, as I reflected back I realized I wasn't appreciated. These people walked over me, told me that I matter, yet never showed it. While I fought for our friendship, asked for the hard conversations, wanted to sit in honesty, they did not. And while I grieved that on my birthday, what I know now is that Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights were all about being appreciated.

So to all that participated, thank you...it made my year and makes me truly want to live into 2007.

mmm...doughnuts....

These are the mornings I miss Chicago. Here's why...

Starting tomorrow, I'm actually taking Bob Green's book seriously. And maybe by telling the entire world this, I'll actually stay on top of it. Getting more exercise, eating better, taking vitamins are all on the list of things I need to do. I'm really hoping 2007 can be a year marked by wholistic health, and while I've made progress on mental and emotional health (thanks to my therapist) and relational health (thanks to my friends), I still need to get the physical health side down.

But today feels like the last day to get everything in. And while Bob Green is amazing and doesn't put those types of restrictions on your eating the very first 4 weeks (see, he understands that it's more than just changing your eating, he knows it's deeper than that), I want to gorge today. And what I want right now are delicious, full of fat, chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnuts from Dunkin' Doughnuts and a cup of French Vanilla Coffee. Damn you Colorado for only having 1 in Colorado Springs. I'm desperate, but not that desperate to drive 2 hours for a doughnut.

I guess I'll just have something good here...boo.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” -- Abraham Lincoln

27...late 20's...3 years till 30.

So this is what it means to be an adult. To buy a home, make a career change, to become more mature.

When the clock struck 12 on New Years Eve, my thought was 2007 can only be better than both 2005 or 2006 combined. Both had been horrible years, years I'd like to forget.

And so far 2007 has been better. I've made better choices, choices that are best for me and my development. I took a risk and bought a home and every day I wake up knowing that I love it more and more than I ever could. I accepted a new job offer (in the same company), one that is going to challenge me for days to come. I've looked across tables into friends eyes, knowing that I want to be with them for the rest of my life, no matter how hard or easy it gets.

My hope for my 27th year is that I live into it fully. That with every day, I realize for everything I am grateful for. That even in the hard moments, when my life is spinny, I will rely on friends who continually support me. That I will release the bitter feelings towards those who hurt me in the year past, especially those I thought were my friends. I want to take a photography class, I want to run another 5k (at the end of April). To go to Kenya and feel the risk of having my life changed completely.

So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world.

too good not to pass on

my friend Sara shared this with me last night and I can't stop playing it... enjoy!

Some where along the way

When I started this in July of 2004, I only had a few goals:

1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis. (basically, I was tired of sending -- or claiming to send -- support letters to my supporters during my internship. This way, people could read how I was doing, what I was doing on a daily basis)

2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you. (Which I have, I could have created an iMix based upon all the music I've put on here, opened up a library with all the great quotes I've used. But I wanted to share the cultural experience I was having with others)

3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently. (This has become my place to process).

So, along the way, I've somehow had over 20,000 readers. While I understand some of the people who read this (people in Kansas City, Chicago, Denver), it's the people in Spain, Africa, India, China, England that shock me. How did they ever find me and what got them reading? I've processed almost everything on here, my 2nd and 3rd year of the internship, my decision to move to Denver, the disappointment in moving to Denver, the beautiful friends that have stuck by me in Denver, the ones who blatantly turned their back on me, the random quotes, the random stories.

Where will the next 20,000 take me? I have no idea. It's taken me almost 3 years to get 20,000 readers, so in 2010, who knows where I'll go.

But thanks for stopping by and reading. It's pretty damn cool if you think about it.

I don't know who you are

But whomever left the anonymous comment on my blog last night, I thank you. Your words, were felt deep in my soul and my tears that fell could only express the hope I felt. So thank you...you have no idea how much it meant to me to hear those, especially if they came from someone I don't know...

"Someday you will hear that ... or something to that effect. The expressiveness in your words speaks of a heart that is a bottomless ocean of love, intelligence and tenderness ... someday, someone will be wise enough to appreciate and cherish it."

Is it wrong?

That I want this in my life, for my birthday, for someone to speak this to me? Is that too much to ask for on the eve of 27?


Tell Her This by Del Amitri

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall, i am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

why today did good for my soul

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that my last week was rough. It had to do with the lies in my head, lies that were perpetrated by my experience in Denver. When these lies are given fuel, they often spiral my life out of control. Tuesday and Wednesday were hell for me.

Friday night, I spent some time at my house, relaxing and then going to play perhaps one of the greatest games ever. I went to bed early, knowing that Saturday would require me to get some stuff done. Saturday I needed to do some laundry, unpack some boxes, put some stuff away. I got groceries, nothing big, but needed...desperately. My friend J is dating this great girl and she invited us to a party. We went, dressed as cowboys and had a great time. I went home around 6:30, exhausted and wanted some space. I went to bed early because J and I were going to mountains this morning.

However, those plans were thwarted by both J and I. Instead, here's how I spent today. I made breakfast, I went to Target, I sat on my front porch, listening to music and enjoying the 65 degree weather. I read a magazine, I bought a new trashcan and I'm now watching the selection show.

What does this all mean? It doesn't mean that my soul is automatically better in light of the last week. It does mean that I'm starting off this week in a good place, a better place than last week. It means that I feel hope-filled to celebrate my birthday with friends and free drinks. It hopefully means enjoying my Friday off by sleeping in, going shopping and just enjoying the day.

So here's to my front porch, my 65 degree weather, and to the sunshine and blue skies...here's to making my week, my birthday week better.

the victim mentality continues

(god willing, it ends soon)

What if I am blocking God from transforming me?

What if I'm afraid to move, ask, question, respond, change?

What if I am the cause and the effect?

What if I gave up on my desire to be loved in a way that I have never experienced?

What if that is what surrendering looks like?

Would things change?

Cause I can't continue to fight for some things I don't know are true...

My friend Sara is going to kill me for this post

My birthday is 9 days away...

I have no desire to celebrate my birthday (which is not me, if you even know me for a second). I want to spend the 16th of March curled up in my bed with my head buried in the covers.

Who knows why I am feeling this way (actually I know, but have no desire to share with the entire world)...but I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling like it's not worth it, that I'm not worth it. That there is something wrong with me...And while I know that I am in a victim mentality mood, and that this could all be not true, I'M TIRED OF IT.

I listened to Ray Lamontagne's cd tonight, keeping Empty on repeat...
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through the grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
Of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Of these cutthroat busted sunsets
These cold and damp white mornings I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusty dimestore lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me

Lay your blouse across the chair
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us
The quiet love we make

Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged

Well I looked my demons in the eyes
Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me
See I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes and some already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me.

Will I always feel this way?So empty, so estranged

I don't always want to feel this way...so empty, so estranged. I want it to be fixed, to be done hurting, to know that it isn't me...

And then Kelly sent me this:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.


She always shows up when I need her most...but I want that to be in true in my life...because right now, I feel like I'm swimming up stream, and I'm getting tired of swimming...

1 night in...

and the beauty of it is that I slept like a rock last night. Especially since I haven't slept well for over a week and a half.

To feel the comfort to sleep so well, where there aren't crazy homeless men outside my window, sirens constantly going off and to just feel the comfort of my own bed...that is love.

there is a reason I love this...

can you figure it out?

I guess this day has been in the making for years...

As an 11 year old, I (well, my parents and I) made the decision to not be a maid in Mardi Gras. Taking off weeks at a time for school just didn't seem like fun. So, we took my money that I had received from my grandparents and invested it.

And it sat...

And it sat...

When I moved to Chicago, I considered buying something, but didn't...buying something for 3 years didn't make sense to me.

And then I moved here. Here where expectations were blown out of the water, where I couldn't find a place to belong, thought it was me, realized it wasn't. Here where I've discovered how strong I could be, and ultimately a place where I can call it home. Despite all that happened here, all the pain, I have found joy.

And on the eve of my move, I am realizing how overwhelmed I feel. Boxes still need to be packed. Things need to be cleaned. Life needs to slow down...

I'm ready, I keep telling myself that. I'm ready for this day, for tomorrow, and I'm ready to be done. To feel the carpet underneath my feet and know it's mine. To paint a wall one day and change it the next.

To be away from a neighborhood filled with so many bad memories.

So, here I go...a commitment that I can't believe I'm taking and fall head first into the deep unknown of being a home owner...

And while tomorrow I'll be moving, Sunday holds the day of simply being in my new home...and realizing it's all mine...

I apologize for the language

OH MY GOD...

I fucking own a house...


This might be the weirdest day ever...

You dance like no one's watching

in light of all that is happening...I need this song to help me to remember that this is big and good and so incredible.

And of course to dance like no one is watching...

Colorful by Rocco Deluca and the Burden

You swim like you're on fire
Live like your last day
Drink like it's water
There's no tomorrow
And you think no one can hear you
Raise your hands to be called on
You know all the answers

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You dance like no one's watching
Sing 'till the song ends
Then you sing some more
And we can hardly believe it
Words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen
You're the most colorful thing that I've seen

You are an enigma walking
Make no excuses for the way that you carry on
And we can hardly believe it
The words that flow from your mouth
Drink like it's water, girl

You're the most colorful thing that I've seen
You're the most beautiful thing that I've seen

You are so colorful
You are so colorful

You are the most beautifl thing that I've ever seen

so, I have a ghost...

Some of you know these stories, but it's true, I have a ghost in my apartment...

Right after I had moved into my apartment, the string to just turn off the lights in my fan was broken, so I unscrewed the light bulbs, still leaving them in the socket. One night, I turned everything off and went to bed. At 1:00 am, all the lights, including my fan lights, and my TV were on. Yes, freaky...

My second incident with my ghost came some time during the beginning of my second year. I'm fortunate enough to have two doors to my bathroom, one through my bedroom and one through my walk through closet (which is very handy when you have guest stay over). I was awakened one night by the second door latching. And no, there is no way the wind could have closed it.

While I believe my ghost is friendly and means no harm, I think he (I have an intuition it is a guy) is sad to see me go. Last night, as I was working through the pile of things to shred (I LOVE my shredder), it stopped working...and then magically restarted about 2o minutes later...yes, I realize that could be multiple things, but I believe it's my ghost.

I just hope he doesn't move with me...I don't think he'd like my new place

I'm sorry, what?

I'm looking on the Costco website to see if a membership is worth it for me, when I realized that the website sells caskets, with overnight shipping?

This definitely goes into the WTF category....

choosing the good

What I need to remember about choosing the good is that I don't control it...the anxiousness, worry, and trouble I feel isn't about the good, it's about my desire to control the good.

I need to remember that I deserve the good, that it is what is wanted for me, and that if I try to control it, I'm actually moving away from the good...

I want the good, I just feel like it is slipping through my fingers...

Love is whatever you can still betray ... Betrayal can only happen if you love. -- John LeCarre

While driving into work this morning, I started thinking about betrayal. Why people betray one another? Why people sabotage relationships and why, ultimately, I do it too...

In the last 3 years, I think I've experienced more betrayal than I ever had in my entire life. It started during a leadership conflict I had that scared me out of my mind. Watching someone I thought was my friend go behind my back and take something up with leadership, that was painful. However, I had no idea that was only the beginning.

While I chose out of friendships, much like others had in my life, I didn't realize that I was playing a part in the betrayal. That I too was making the choice to betray.

It obviously comes down to people trying to secure their own good. I want the good in my life to stay good and I'll go to extremes trying to protect it. So, why do we betray those we claim we love and even like? Because of self-protection...and to be honest, I'm tired of it...

the only way to feel again is let love in

Johnny Rzeznik recently said that their song "Let Love In" had nothing to do about a girl...well, duh (that's right, I said duh, I'm bringing it much like sexy)

You decide, because to me, it has to do with the Love, the Lover...

The habit of giving only enhances the desire to give. -- Walt Whitman

One would think after fundraising for 3 years, I would get use to this...the waiting, the wondering, the stress, the confusion. And yet, every time, it's a new experience.

I stand in awe in the people giving to my trip. I feel so loved through their generosity. Surprises in the faces who give, in the amounts they give, why they give. Having their support continues to push me to give as much as possible while I am in Kenya.

There are moments when I wonder, if I will go, what will happen to me while I am there, what will be broken, what will be resurrected, what will die and what will live. And while it's easy to stand in the fear of knowing and not knowing, for me, it only pushes me towards love. How can I love more here, how can I love more when I get to Kenya. What does it mean in light of my journey.

So, to my supporters, thank you...you are helping me realize a dream, which is an indescribable feeling.

so please stay and keep me company

While driving through Denver today, a day of beautiful weather that makes me believe spring is a possibility, I started listening to the Counting Crows CD that keeps being passed between my best friend and I...

What I realized is 2 things...one my soul is in distress, not due to circumstances with friends or community but through something that is core to who I am. I'm tired of dealing with this particular core issue because it seems to suck everything out of me and question the God I believe in. The other thing I realized had to do with my past here in Denver, my future in Denver and ultimately what I think could be...and how do I wish for the could be, because the could be is so needed in my life...

Larry's in vegas..with some chick from L.A
the best things are sevens and sex is just ok so please stay
she said just stay

cause there's a show at 11
and the drinks are all free
you can do better for yourself but not me ....
...so please stay and keep me company.

All the while thinking this is the good luck,
stays with her most of the time
takes time to make these machines work,
people are so unkind
Gets kinda nervous
used to be hard.

She takes the edges off evenings
in bedrooms and back seats in big cars.
All the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
people are so unkind.
People are so unkind

She looks in the mirror
to make sure she's here
she keeps disappearing and dreaming of movie stars- weddings
and nothing is happening
He tries not to notice
She thinks he doesn't care.
Capture yourself in a jar and you stay there,
until you vanish
thin air

all the while thinking this is the good luck
stays with her most of the time
it takes time to make these machines work
but he aint got time while
she's riding in black cars and pokes at the sky
to see if he can make stars and

people are so unkind
people are so unkind..
People are so unkind..
People are so unkind...
people are so unkind
People are so..
UNKIND

it often surprises me....

That gifts come in the most unexpected fashion.

I won't lie, yesterday was really hard...work was hard, and then it was emotionally hard.

I've been listening Damien Rice's new cd, specifically 9 Crimes

leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If u don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
With you?
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you dont shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright? I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
Is that alright?
Is that alright?
Is that alright with you?
No...

And then after being sad, a friend who I haven't talked to in ages called because he knew I would understand his emotional stage...and that conversation was incredible, refreshing and dearly needed on a night that was hard to deal with...thank you friend...

That's What She Said...Or He Said

Perhaps the best made up holiday...make sure you celebrate long and hard on February 15 (that's what she said)...

because music essential to who I am...

My friend Jeni had this posted on her blog tonight and while I should be writing about how I'm not bitter about being single this year or how it makes me laugh that every man I talked to today forgot about tomorrow, or how I should be going to bed, I am going to post this instead...

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.

How am I feeling today?:
In the Rough
Anna Nalick

Will I get far in life?:
Promiscuous
Nelly Furtado & Timbaland (uh...yes, I'll take ironic for a 1,000)

How do my friends see me?:
Your Eyes Open
Keane

Where will I get married?:
Soul Meets Body
Death Cab for Cutie

What is my best friend's theme song?:
Emergency Exit
Beck

What is the story of my life?:
Not the Same
Ben Folds (God Bless you iPod Random for understanding my growth)

What is/was high school like?:
Jesus Walks
Kanye West

How can I get ahead in life?:
All the Weight
David Berkeley

What is the best thing about me?:
Come Around
Rhett Miller

How is today going to be?:
Empty
Ray LaMontagne

What is in store for this weekend?:
Everybody's Changing
Keane

What song describes my parents?:
I'll Fly Away
Kanye West

How is my life going?:
Can I Stay
Ray LaMontagne

What song will they play at my funeral?:
Stitched Up
John Mayer & Herbie Hancock

How does the world see me?:
On Top
The Killers

Will I have a happy life?
Secret of the Easy Yoke
Pedro the Lion

What do my friends really think of me?:
Gone
Ben Folds

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Burning in the Sun
Blue Merle

How can I make myself happy?
Somewhere Only We Know
Keane

What should I do with my life?:
I'm Moving On
Rascal Flatts (amen, amen)

Will I ever have children?:
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Death Cab for Cutie
(ha! this is the song I want played at my wedding...so if there is a wedding then God willing there are kids)

What is some good advice for me?:
Hands Open
Snow Patrol

What is my signature dancing song?:
Money Maker
Ludacris

What do I think my current theme song is?:
In Your Eyes
Peter Gabriel
(Perhaps it's because I secretly want a boyfriend to stand outside my window with a boom box)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
See the World
Gomez

What type of men/women do you like?:
Swing Life Away
Rise Against

What happens at Mardi Gras, doesn't stay at Mardi Gras

Getting to Mardi Gras was a pain. I left work early, after being there since 6:30 am. I got to the airport, parked my car and went to my gate. 2 hours after my plane was suppose to leave, it finally did. I was worried about catching my connecting flight in Dallas, but thankfully, everything worked out.

We arrived in New Orleans, only to find out that my parents had reserved a plane for us to get to the hotel. We got to the hotel, and it was beautiful. We had dinner on our patio and went to bed around 11:30 pm. Friday morning we got up and went to the hotel where the ball was going to be held. Saying hello to family members, talking with people who all know me, but I have no idea who they are, it was fun...but the real fun came Friday night.

The ball was incredible and the after party was fun. My brother-in-law, sister and I had fun, drinking and laughing and dancing together. To be honest, this was the first time I felt like I could really relate to them an an adult.

Saturday we went to my favorite restaurant in New Orleans. It finally had reopened since the storm. Across the street is the funeral home where both my grandparents had their services and it's next door to their church as well. I had decided that I would go to the church to see the damage there. My dad followed me in...

When we ran into the pastor, the story he told us was a tear jerker....The church had Sunday services and then left to get away from the storm. My grandmother's service brochures were left out on the table and when the church returned, the first thing they saw was my grandmother's face. The water ruined their church, but they were still there, rebuilding.

What I saw as we drove around the city was something that I can't even begin to tell you about. There are parts of the city that look like they have never been touched and other parts that are still looking for help. I'm shocked and amazed at the city...

The parade that night was fun grabbing beads that I'll never keep but it was fun to experience it with my mom...

All in all it was a great weekend, too much fun with my family and something I hope happens again, but right now, I need to sleep...well, sleep and pack.

this must be what heaven is like

Playing on PBS right now is Ray LaMontagne and Ben Folds...two of my favorite singer/song writers of all time.

Heaven must be similar right? Where you see all the bands you want, one right after the other? It must...

Dear Sam Champion (weatherman on Good Morning America),

While I understand a portion of the United States is experiencing a deep freeze/unbearable temperatures, some of us are experience 58 degrees, with sunny skies.

To be quite honest, I don't feel any sympathy towards you.

Wearing flip flops in February,
Meghan

ps-this is a scary picture...

a couple of things

To whomever put together this list, God bless you...it helps me believe more in God.

Also, I realized today as I was putting an event on my google calendar, that I've crossed into adulthoood. Who else puts that they need to go to Sears to buy a washer and dryer on their calendar? Welcome to the other side I guess.

C: I was looking through some pictures last night of a fellow blogger and realized that they actually caused more pain than good. Am I being self-masochistic by repeatedly putting myself in those situations or am I simply trying to still connect with these people? Just a question for the universe...

Why stress just might kill me...

Sometimes I wonder if I take on too much at once...I've never been someone with killer patience. I often want to do more than I can.

Case and point...

Buying a townhouse....Last night, as I sat around with my beautiful friends, we realized what this opportunity means for all of us. A space for us to grow into, where we can be comfortable and relaxed with each other. And what it means for me...it's going to be an amazing opportunity.

Moving up in my career...beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Having people recognize what I am capable of is always a good thing...changing positions, probably not ideal in the midst of everything.

Kenya...I'm nervous about making my fundraising goals. I shouldn't be, I know that the trip is suppose to happen and I'm suppose to be on it. I feel it in my gut, but what if? What if I can't do it? What if I can't find the money? Maybe it's a bad idea...(I know it's not, but this is a thought that is running through my head).


Anyways, I'm hoping my attitude changes before New Orleans because I want to enjoy my time...but I'm also hoping that stress isn't real and that everything will eventually come together. Until then, I think I'll go get some coldstone.

yeah, that's okay...

High: 57 °F RealFeel®: 58 °F

Partly sunny and not as cool

Dear AccuWeather.com,
When you predict that the weather is going to be partly sunny and not as cool, that's not necessarily a bad thing. To be honest, it's awesome.

Thank you God that it's changing...

Today has been a shitty day

It's true...I don't know if it's due to the weather or something else, but today has been a day to delete from the calendar.

Anyways, I just got amazing news from a friend (I won't share it because I don't want to steal her thunder) and it totally made my day.

I can't wait to see her shining face and just to sit across from me...

This is what I needed to change my day...thank you dear friend

29 more days

Don't worry, I'll get tired of the following too, but for right now, it's true....

29 days till I get to run the dishwasher and my dishes are done

29 days till I get to run my own washer and dryer and my clothes are done

29 days till I no longer wonder how far away I'll have to park away form my house on cold, snowy, wet days

29 days till I have so much room that I don't know what to do

29 more days until I have some freedom...

I stop and feel my feet on the floor

This month, might be a crazy one.

There is so much going on that I'm having to remember that my feet are on the floor.

Case and point, I'm moving in 30 days. Which is always a good and bad thing. Moving causes me to stress out, clean out, do things I need to do. And I'm so ready to be done with my neighborhood...it's hard walking down the street with the constant fear of running into someone who has ill feelings towards you.

Oh, and there are work things I can't talk about yet.

And I'm going to Mardi Gras next weekend, which again is both a fun and stressful event. I hoping it will be more fun than anything.

and I'm still trying to raise money for Kenya.

And it's f-ing cold and snowing again in Denver.

So as I remember that my feet are on the floor, and that this is the delightful terror that I know will push me closer to the Trinity, it's my hope that I don't get overwhelmed and not remember where I am going or how I got there.

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -- Magaret Mead

The first time I saw this video, I realized how much I wanted to be a change agent in the world...wouldn't you want to change it too?

a reminder of truth...

"My existential journey involved struggling with this quote from Thomas Merton: "Why should I desire anything that cannot give me God, and why should I fear anything that cannot take God away from me?" This led me into an experience of "unknowing" that liberated me from an unhealthy desire to control my relation to God through propositions and an unhealthy fear of admitting that my understanding of God would always need to be reformed and reforming."
--F. LeRon Shults

"They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done"

I've gotten angry the last couple of days. Not in anyone in particular, but at situations on the whole.

Frustration is ever increasing the more and more I realize that people are biased. They only want the side of the story that keeps them safe and protected. Without engaging the other aspects, they are allowed to spread the hate and lies, which aren't true.

"Even if they words they say aren't true they've won,"

I don't have a lot of patience for people who make fear based decisions. I wish people would choose decisions that caused them to move. I wish people wouldn't hide when things get hard or when they didn't go their way.

I thought about a friendship I had last year. She and I use to be friends. I pinpointed the time when our friendship fell apart. I wish in that moment she would have just said what she needed to say instead of being passive aggressive and shutting me out of her life. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I know I could approach the anger, the people, the situations, but if there is no movement, no regret, no sorrow from the other side, is it really worth it to put myself out there?

*lyrics from Augustana's song "Stars and Boulevards"

It's amazing how...

One piece of real mail will almost make a person throw up....

WHY????????

It's always strange when you see a person's twin...

In college, I was in love with Jordan. I can say this freely, without any shame because it's true. I met Jordan through my youth group, when he was a junior at K-State and I was going to be a senior at BVN. I would say we were very close friends, he made me laugh, surprised me at my graduation, taught me how to swing dance, etc.

There are times when I miss his friendship. He had meant the world to me at one point.

Anyways, as I was sitting here at work today, his twin walked in. I couldn't believe it at first because I thought it was him walking in the door. I almost started to cry...and then I realized this guy was significantly shorter than Jordan so it couldn't have been him.

But there are moments when I wish it was...becasue sometimes I wish our friendship was still the same.

I often wonder why...

These just happen to run through my head today:

I'm really grateful for my friends who will come over to help me set up wifi so I can email/blog from bed.

I'm extremely grateful to iTunes for reissuing my purchased music that I lost this summer...now I need an external hard drive to back it up

I'm in need of mental health day.

I'm actually ecstatic that my dad is coming into town for Saturday.

I loved the weather today...this is the Colorado I remember

That I am extremely sad over 2 friends

That in the midst of pain, love flourishes.

And that I am ready to move onto this next chapter of my life.

why doesn't someone write this book...

let's say you have a friend, that you were (what you thought) close to and then realized that your friendship no longer existed.

What the hell are you suppose to do when it comes time for their birthday?

More of a question for the universe, not one I am really looking for an answer.

Sometimes, there are no words...

As I reflect over my busy weekend, I'm struck by one thing...how many times I received my "love letter from the Lord". It's a phrase my dear friend Sara uses to explain to little things that you get in your day that just make your day better. Mine often come in the form of great parking spaces on my street or an email from a friend. Recently, they have come through generous donations to my trip to Kenya.

On Friday, I spent time with friends, laughing over beers, playing shuffle board and then went to Sara's house where we watched the Real World Denver and just hung out. Saturday I went to the mall to get some things and ended up at a concert that night. J and I had dinner and then went to see Augustana at the Gothic. It was awesome, even the part where I got picked up by some random guy from Boise, ID who works in Iraq. Sunday, we all sat around in the morning, having honest conversations and then the girls and I went to look for a condo for me.

So where were my love letters? It was in the time I got one-on-one with Sara, just laughing and talking on her couch, it was in the random guy who picked me up, it was in hearing "Boston" played live and feeling the transformation I've experienced in my life since I heard it the first time, and it was in possibly finding my new home.

Sometimes, words can't express the feeling of gratitude that comes with time. Sometimes, the words you want to say aren't there but the sense of growth, love and truth are there and you can move forward. And when those words fail, it's easy to know that the people around you will continue to show you those little love letters from the Lord.

a weekend of rest and relaxation

*sigh...

I think I've needed this. After the long and hard week I had (working a full week after 3 weeks of not, is tough), I needed a weekend of relaxation and rest.

Friday, I spent it with friends, over dinner, over drinks, laughing and just being...having that space is vital.

Saturday, my friend Sara and I went to get spray tans (easy and super fun), had lunch and then I took a nap. Saturday night, BA and I went to see the Mammoth play. I forget so easily how much fun those games are....

Sunday was spent with my community, asking hard questions, sitting in the midst of the questions and then watching the beautiful Hayden.

and now, I'm listening to NPR, drinking coffee, using a free wifi, and getting ready for a massage. I'm going to look for a couch and then I'll probably take a nap.

To have a weekend where my biggest concern wasn't where I had to be or what I needed to do perhaps was the greatest gift I've given myself in a while...

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion

1. an act of reconciling or the state of being reconciled.
2. the process of making consistent or compatible.

In light of the last year, reconciliation has become something I wonder about. Is it still happening in the world today? Is it possible for 20 people in Denver? Could it happen within the next few months?

I desperately want the reconciliation in my life. I want the hard conversations. I want to be in a room of people know that we've talked it out, we've decided to be consistent, we've realized what has happened, and have communicated the past, present and future. However, until the other side decides to move towards a willing converssation, and is willing to accept the fact that they have caused pain, is reconciliation really worth it?

I am more than willing to sit in a conversation, own what I need to, but until I see movement, desire to be honest, and grief for the pain the other party has caused, I'm not willing to believe that reconciliation will work in my life.

I know small steps are happening by a variety of people. Phone calls, cups of coffee, emails, but then I think about me and the two people I would want to reconcile with. I'm not asking for the friendship back (and to be honest in this moment I don't know if we were ever truly friends). What I do want is the peace of mind that I could pass these two on the street and know that they aren't thinking of all the ways that they hate me. What I do want is the peace of mind to know that the pain we've each caused was out of perserving the good we had.

So, I am willing and able, but when I have to make decisions like "me being in the room isn't loving that person well because of other people in the room", isn't it time to have the hard conversation?

why I believe in honesty

Why I believe in honesty has nothing to do with the fact that I believe in fairness.

And perhaps, I am an eternal optimist.

I believe that every person deserves the truth. That every person has the right to know why things are happening to them.

A friend bails out of a friendship for no reason what so ever. Maybe they just out grew each other. Perhaps it has something to do with the other person, but for the hell of it, don't you think the other person has the right to know?

A significant (or insignificant) other decides that they need out. Maybe they fell in love with someone else. Maybe the other person has weird habits (like drinking 3 beers like water or quotes too many movies), but come on, be the bigger person and tell them why you really want out.

Trust me, they can handle it.

Having an honest conversation does not always lead to being alone. What it does lead to is a place where someone can sleep at night because they know the real reasons why a friend, a significant other, a business partner has left the relationship.

So, why are we fearful to have those honest conversations? Because we can't control what the other person will say or do in the moment. And a lack of control always, always freaks people out.

Try it...try for once in your life to be honest...see what can happen...cause I'm sick and tired of dealing with people who refuse to be honest.

This is almost sadistic

It's snowing...AGAIN in Denver.

Another 4-8 inches today.

And they expecting another storm next week, another big one...one with like 12-24 inches.

I'm a little over the snow...and finally the mountains are getting some, which means the ski conditions are finally good.

But for the love of God, make it stop snowing!!

Living in Colorado has its advantages

One of those being the fact that random people visit here. People you haven't seen in years, all of the sudden realize you are in Colorado and want to see you.

Case in point is Wes. Wes and I met in high school, through Ichthus at my church. Wes was my homecoming date my sophomore year and a great friend there after. Wes and I took many different trips together (this includes driving from KC to Mexico and multiple ski trips to Colorado).

I don't think I've seen Wes since 1999. I believe the last time I saw him, he was trying to convince me to stay at the above mentioned church when I was really ready to leave. I could be wrong about that.

Wes is in town on business and tonight we are getting together for a drink. I'm not really nervous, but I'm a little interested to see where 9 years has brought us. And what the hell will we talk about (I know, the typical, what are you doing with your life, why are you in Denver, etc)?

So, here's to starting the year off with random friends...and to whatever that brings with it.

it pays not to wash your car...

So, as I left work tonight, I was at the light of Speer (1st) and University, waiting to make a left hand turn. When suddenly, I felt my car move.

That's right, because I was in the far right lane of the turning lane, a van decided it would be appropriate (which I agree with) to go around me. However, they were too wide to fit through and totally brushed up against my car.

I WAS PISSED!!

I got out of my car and ran up to the woman's van. I banged on her window and told her she hit my car. She asked if there was any damage. When I said I don't know and ran back to check on it, SHE TOOK OFF!

DOUBLY PISSED!

You have go to be kidding me. She turned south on University and I could never catch up with her. Thankfully, due to the layers of snow removal crap (which isn't salt) my car wasn't damaged.

But still, one never leaves a scene of an accident. So to the woman who hit my car, just remember, what goes around comes around...curses to you!!

Do the (RED) thing

My friend Frank wrote recently on how the (RED) manifesto might actually be something that could change the world.

The (RED) manifesto states, in not so many words, that if you buy a (RED) product, you are in fact helping the AIDS pandemic in Africa. And who wouldn't want to help stop that?

I received a (RED) razor for Christmas, in part because I needed a new phone, and in part for my trip to Kenya. I don't know what is being stirred in me, but I want to help this pandemic. I believe that we could change the world if we saved Africa (and I don't me the evangelical Christian definition of saved either).

So, what can you do? You can buy a (RED) product, you can support me on my trip to Kenya, and ultimately, you can figure out how save the Continent of Africa before it's gone.

Buy (RED).

And a happy new year to you...

2007...I can't believe it. But if last night was any indication on the new year will be, I'm pretty damn excited about it.

A few friends and I spent the evening at Jen's apartment, eating good food, laughing, listening to music. I thought it was the perfect way to spend the evening. But the most beautiful thing about the evening wasn't the music or the food, it was the fact that everyone had a deep, intimate conversation. Not all of us together, but a lot of one-on-ones, and it was beautiful. To sit in a room and be known, it was what I imagined life could be like.

Today has been a wasted day. I had intended on going into the office to get some work done (I feel behind) but then I realized I much rather just work late tomorrow then go in today. Again, it's a 4 day week...It's been a while since I've actually worked all 5 days (thanks to the snow, and the major cold I had).

And tonight I'm off to see this movie...and then tomorrow back to the daily grind...I'm actually really ready to be back at work, I just wish I knew what work held.

Maybe this year will be better than the last

I've spent the last few days re-reading through my posts of 2006, trying to figure out what to say about the last year.

And there's the part of me that wants to be extremely vulnerable, letting the world know exactly what happened, and how I feel more free now than I did a year ago.

There's the other part of me, the rational part, that realizes that might not be the best idea.

I had wanted this year to be marked by love. And I don't think that happened until August. So for 7 months, this year was marked by pain, suffering, grief, and ultimately making hard decisions.

Understanding that what I had come out to Denver for and what actually was happening were two totally different things. And not even things you can justify. Choosing out was the best decision for me. The repercussions of that weren't what I expected (losing friends from the last 4 years, lies, rumors, believing I was crazy, etc) but the peace and freedom I have now, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

It was in August, when things started feeling like normal again. When I started to realize I wasn't crazy (thanks to my friends and my therapist), when I realized that the people around me were feeling it too and when life started to return to my eyes. It was in August that I realized what had fully happened to the last year of my life.

So, I would say the last part of 2006 were in fact marked by love. Love that causes you to take risks, to not be so angry, to hear truth, to sit in beauty, and ultimately love that causes you to move and grow. I've been blessed by some great friends, some incredible stories, and some new fun things.

It's funny...I looked through all the songs that I put on my blog this last year, and my soundtrack is totally par for the course of what I was feeling in the last year...

Faithfully by Journey
One by U2
Thank You by Alanis Morissette
I Will Not Take These Things for Granted by Toad the Wet Sproket
Confidence (For You I Will) by Teddy Geiger
Not Ready to Make Nice by Dixie Chicks
Oh Well by Fiona Apple
How to Save a Life by The Fray
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Boston by Augustana
Reasons Why by Rachel Yamagata
Look After You by The Fray
Someday You Will Be Loved by Death Cab for Cutie
Anna Begins by Counting Crows
Windows in the Sky by U2
Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams

Not a bad playlist in light of the year I had...

What does 2007 hold? Craziness like turning 27 and realizing I'm now in my late 20's. Like buying a condo...and not freaking out about it. Like going to Kenya. Like going after a job I totally deserve. And realizing that in the midst of everything, the consistency of community, relationality, the Trinity will not change, and for that I am so grateful. I have a hope that maybe this year will be better than the last.

And again, praying that 2007 will be marked by love.

Since it's snowing...again...

Here's something to help you understand what's going on with the weather in Denver...

May your Christmas be nothing like this

Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!

F-ing crazy...

So, yesterday was the best day ever...Why?

When I got up at 7:00 am (not part of the best day ever), I made breakfast.  I put in Scrubs (I had 3 seasons to get through).  I laid in bed, relaxing and simply enjoying the fact that I didn't have to work on a Thursday.

But by 11:00 am, I thought I was going to go crazy.  I had been couped up for 2 days and needed to get out.  So, I started making phone calls.  Penn Street Perk, closed.  Panera, closed.  Uptown Tavern...OPEN!  I loaded up my computer, put on my snow gear and walked the 3 blocks to a packed bar, to use the Internet and be with people.  Eventually Sheralee met me there and enjoyed some adult beverages with me.  I chatted on gmail, looked at myspace, and just enjoyed the people around me.

Eventually Sheralee and I left, and went back to my apartment to grab my camera.  She and I walked around the capital and cathedral, taking pictures of the beauty of the city.  It was so peaceful and absolutely beautiful.  We got to the capital and some girls let us take a couple of slides down on their sled.  People were so kind and giving in the midst of all of this.  The joyful spirit was overcoming so many people.  Jim met up with us and then we walked downtown.  The 16th Street Mall was beautiful and then we went to Lime for dinner (Jim ate...Sheralee and I just enjoyed his company).

After dinner, we were walking back to my apartment so I could check into Southwest for my flight today (more on that in a second).  But it was so far to walk, and it had gotten colder.  So, we started hitch-hiking.  And thankfully some New Yorker picked us up and took us to my apartment!  THANK YOU!!

Once I grabbed my info, we walked to Jim's and eventually came to the intersection of 12th and Pennsylvania, where 2 RTD buses had t-boned.  However, in the middle of the t-bone was a keg...

IT WAS A KEG PARTY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!  

FREE BEER!  

FOR ALL!

So, Jim, Sheralee and I took our free beer and walked down to his apartment.  I love it that people are so friendly in the midst of all of this.

I got my boarding pass, I'm sitting at the airport...my butt is a little numb from sitting since 7:00 am.  But I'm here, and supposedly I'm leaving tonight.  I'm anxious to get to KC, and hopefully I'm on a plane in 3 hours.  I'm prepared though...1st season of Grey's, a couple of movies, and trashy magazines...all in all, not too bad.  

But if I don't get out tonight, then we might have problems.

Pictures from the walk yesterday will be up later :)

An unexpected snow day...

We were all sent home today at noon because of the blizzard. I took Mark back to his house and then I made my way to Safeway and to 7-11. Why? Why not just go home? I had no food in my refrigerator. My fridge had 1 britta pitcher, 2 cherry cokes, and 12 beers. Which wouldn't be a bad thing considering that I am leaving on Friday to go back to KC and then when I get back, I'm house sitting for 12 days. So, why go to the store if I didn't need to? This was before I had to go home. I went to Safeway, realizing that I would need food since there was no way in hell I was going out once I got home. Plus I needed gas. I wasn't going to leave my car with 1/4 of a tank of gas in the midst of the 2006 blizzard.

Once I got home, I changed into my comfy clothes. I made lunch and then turned on the TV. I watched last week's "The Office" and "Scrubs". I rested, read the paper, and listened to music. I made brownies, took out the trash, and currently, I'm watching "The Blues Brothers". Now, this doesn't feel like the worst day ever, but I'm slowly getting cabin fever. I use to have days like this back in Chicago where I could just lounge. How in 2 years things have changed. I'm slowly getting restless. I wish my internet was back so I could surf the web and just play around. I wish I had neighbors who didn't hog their internet. Now, if the office remains closed tomorrow, I have no idea what I am going to do. I might wander over to Panera. Get some soup and steal their internet. But they might not be open. Everything is closing or is closed.

Colorado Mills -- Closed
City of Fort Lipton -- Closed (how does a city close down?!)
Dumb Friends League -- Closed
Great West Life Insurance and Annuity -- Closed

And I love that the national news is reporting on this blizzard. OH MY GOSH! IT'S SNOWING IN DENVER...A LOT OF SNOW! FREAK OUT NOW!

So, who knows what tomorrow will hold. But thankfully, I'm safe and sound and nothing is wrong with me...except for this damn cabin fever.

On a side note, my friend J was suppose to leave today to fly back to Chicago. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, which made me worry about my flights on Friday. Hopefully I should get out and get back to KC.

Baby it's cold outside

Blizzard Warning Issued For Denver Metro Area...

That's right folks, it's snowing like crazy in Denver and it's only suppose to get worse.

Thank you to the CEO and Presidents for closing the office at noon today and not opening back up until noon tomorrow...maybe not even opening tomorrow.

It's like getting a free day off...

I love it!

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered...

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway. -Mother Teresa

"A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours." -- John B. Priestly

Perhaps this weekend was one of the best I've had in a really long time.

I'll even venture to say in the last 18 months.

Now granted, I'm sick, really sick, and I was sick over the weekend, but that didn't stop me from making this weekend awesome.

9 of us went to Keystone for the weekend. We all got up to the townhouse at various hours in the day, but it was a weekend of relaxing, laughing, watching TV and just being together. Some of us skied, some of us went to the hot tub, some of us laid on the couch the whole day. And for everyone there it was an amazing weekend to just get away and enjoy each other.

I'm always hesitant to go on vacation with people I know. A majority of the time, it doesn't end well. However, after spending the weekend with the people who genuinely care about me, who encourage and support me, and who know what makes me tick, it was the best thing I could have done for my soul.

So to Beth, Frank, Maria, Jen, Jared, Sara, David, and Sara...THANK YOU! This weekend was amazing. Thank you for redeeming the weekend in the mountains and for loving me so well...I loved every minute of it.

these are a few of my favorite things...

Today is quite possibly one of the best days ever...

Here's why:

I love that it's the middle of December and it's 60 degrees in Denver.

I love that the Golden Globes were announced today and I saw it live (and think some people were robbed and some people got much needed nominations)

I love that I'm going to a concert tonight with my friend Sara and that it's within walking distance of my house and that it's one of my favorite bands.

I love that tomorrow afternoon I'm going on vacation with 8 fabulous people to the mountains to relax in the hot tub, ski down a mountain, and simply be with them...it's how a vacation should be.

I love that I'm going to KC in a week and can't wait to simply sleep in, have my mom do my laundry and see beautiful friends.

I love that my soul took a major change the other week and it changes the way I see people.

I love that I am a little less angry over the last year than I was a week ago.

I love that I no longer feel shame when a friend chooses out of relationship with me. I know I did nothing wrong (or I've owned what I did wrong)...if they choose to be childish and remove me without telling me, that's their issue not mine.

I love that I'm taking initiative in my life...knowing what I want and am willing to go after it.

Most of all, I'm grateful friendships, old and new, love, beauty and truth...because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth

and the soul felt its worth...

For some reason, this Christmas season is a little hard for me to get into. I don't know if it's the grieving from the last year that I am doing or if it's lack of space I am creating, but for me, I am not fully able to engage the holiday season this year. But, oh how I wish I could...

Today in the mail, I received the KBCO Holiday CD. A free holiday cd...I am shocked and amazed how this radio station sends me random cds that are amazing. On it contains my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night...every version of it I love and this version, sung by The Fray, is amazing...for some reason, this song has helped me engage the season...I just hope it last for the next 2 weeks.

O holy night,
The stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of
Our dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining,
Till He appeared
And the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope,
The weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees,
O hear the angel voices!
O night divine,
O night when Christ was born!
O night divine, O night,
O night divine!

Led by the light of Faith
Serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts
By His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star
Sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men
From Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus
In lowly manger,
In all our trials
Born to be our Friend!
He knows our need,
To our weakness no stranger;
Behold your King!
Before the lowly bend!
Behold your King! your King!
Before Him bend.

Truly He taught us
To love one another;
His law is love and
His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break
For the slave is our brother
And in His name
All oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in
Grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us
Praise His holy name!
Christ is the Lord,
Oh praise His name forever,
His pow'r and glory evermore proclaim
His pow'r and glory
Evermore proclaim.

it just became very real

On Friday, I spoke with my real estate agent (back story, last year I started looking for a place but it felt so overwhelming, so crushing and I couldn't do it). He and I hadn't spoken in a while and he's real concern was to see if I was okay. Not if I had made progress on my search, or if I wanted out, but he was curious to see if I was alive.

I know!

But then the most random thing happened. After I sent him an email of a condo that I really like, he sponsored me for my trip to Africa. Of all the people that could have donated, who have known about my trip, who understand my passion and what I am about, the last person I expected to give was him.

I am still in shock...

And as I told my friend Sheralee today over google chat, all of the sudden, my trip became very real. And now, I am more than excited than ever to go.

If this doesn't get you in the holiday spirit, we should talk...

to Kenya I will go

Imagine one of your greatest dreams...to be a world traveler, to invent something extraordinary, to make a difference.

Now imagine if it could come true...

For me, my dreams are about to become my reality. About 2 months ago, my friend Bri told me about how she would be able to get back to Kenya this next summer. She told me about what she would be doing there. She told me that I should look into it. Of course I've always wanted to go, to see something bigger than myself.

However, my first response to her was no. There was no way I could go. How would I do it financially, relationally, work-wise? For me, in major decisions, I turn to fear first and then realize what is and is not possible.

So Bri sent me the website. And I looked, and what I found was something I couldn't pass up.

So, from July 5-26, 2007 I, too, will be going to Kenya. For the first part of the trip, I'll be working with Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity, which consist of a school and a residential home for over 150 abandoned or orphaned women and children. The second part will be with Villa Teag Children's Center which consist of a school and residential facility for children who no longer have parents to care for them. The last part of my trip will include a safari and rest to re-enter a world that I probably won't recognize.

My trip site is up and is there to help you, and possibly help me. Here you can find more about my process of going, here how I am prepping and what it's like upon my return. You can also help me realize my dream. In order for me to go, I need to raise $5,000 (which includes everything from my flights to my food).

Please consider giving...help make my dreams a reality

a reflection back

In October of 2005, I posted about a song (typical me). Today I pulled out that song again and listened to it for the first time in a while...since this summer.

In reflecting back, I couldn't figure it out what it meant to my soul, no more than I could today. However, today it seemed to make more sense of what I was going through then.

come pick me up by ryan adams

When they call your name

Will you walk right up

With a smile on your face

Or will you cower in fear

In your favorite sweater

With an old love letter

I wish you would

I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends

They're all full of shit

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

When you're walking downtown

Do you wish I was there

Do you wish it was me

With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes

Do they all look like mine

You know you could I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends behind my back

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed

So I could make up my mind

Try it for sleeping instead

Maybe you'll rest sometime

I wish I could

hmm...means so much more, so much deeper than I realized only a year ago...

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

YAHOO!! My celebrity boyfriend is back starting tonight...Scrubs starts tonight at 9:00 PM EST. You know, as much as I thank God for the model train, I am also now grateful for the VCR...without it, I'd miss Grey's and that's just not going to happen.

my prayer on this cold night...

The shackles are undone
The bullets quit the gun
The heat that's in the sun
Will keep us when there's none
The rule has been disproved
The stone it has been moved
The grave is now a groove
All debts are removed

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Love makes strange enemies
Makes love where love may please
The soul and its striptease
Hate brought to its knees
The sky over our head
We can reach it from our bed
You let me in your heart
And out of my head, head…

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Please don't ever let me out of you

I've got no shame, oh no, oh no

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's doing to me?

I know I hurt you and I made you cry
Did everything but murder you and I
But love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize
To every broken heart
For every heart that cries
Love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize

This is U2's new song off of their latest cd. I want nothing more than for this to be my prayer for the next week, month, year...because I want everyone to know what love has done to the..especially in the last four months.

So, thank you Love for what you have done to me, because without You, I think I would have check myself into the hosptial worried that I was absolutely crazy.

To CNN/Headline News Producers

*I noticed this when I was up at 4:00 am and couldn't fall asleep...

At no point is it appropriate to use the song "Step by Step" by the late 80's/early 90's band New Kids on the Block to exit out of the news....NEVER!

perhaps, this is the beginning of feeling healed

This Sunday started off like any typical Sunday. I got up, I had breakfast, I went shopping with my friend Sara, I bought the really fun shoes, and then I came home.

And then perhaps the most unexpected thing happened. I walked back into a church. I didn't know anyone there besides Sara and Ethan. However, it felt natural, warm and hopeful.

I didn't feel out of place, I didn't walk in with a huge chip on my shoulder, I didn't walk in questioning how they were going to screw me over.

In an odd way, I felt like I was home. It reminded me of Jacob's Well in Kansas City, it reminded me of the intimate moments at Axis. It reminded me of good it felt to be connected to a larger body of people. And it was beautiful...

Perhaps you don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water...perhaps there is a middle ground where I can have my community and a larger group to be connected with...and perhaps this is what it feels like to be healed...

I kinda like it.

...the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you. -- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Yes, I am now just getting home from Thanksgiving dinner. And what a wonderful Thanksgiving it was. After spending the day with the Shepherd/Simpson family, I'm realizing how much I have to be grateful for.

And while I don't feel it is necessary to tell you each and everything I am grateful for, what I am most grateful for in this moment is cathartic conversations. You know, those conversations that after you are done having you feel more centered, more alive, more you. What I realized as I looked around the room after all the parents, grandmothers, aunts and uncles had left was that my life has truly been blessed in the last 4 months. To have the space to process, hear, cry, laugh, and release is precious, something often taken for granted and walked on without blinking an eye.

So to Beth and Frank for opening up their house, for their tears, and for their words, to Jen for your wisdom, to Maria for seeking to understand and Kathy for giving words of freedom, I thank you for perhaps what might be one of the best Thanksgivings I have ever had.

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach ~
Simple Abundance

See that fancy blue box

You might be curious to why the blue box is there.

Perhaps you don't care...either way, I'm going to tell you about it.

In order to raise some money for my trip to Kenya (don't worry, you'll start hearing about this soon enough), I've decided to ad AdSense to my blog. Perhaps when you use that blue little box some extra cash will be coming my way. And if push comes to shove and it doesn't work, that's fine too. Bri and I are brainstorming like crazy to figure out ways to fund raise for this trip.

Until then, please use it...help me out...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you can be a part of it (even you random people in India)

the things we will do for beauty

Our company holiday party is coming up soon. In order to look my best, I have bought a new dress...one that can be worn for this event as well as New Years Eve (I think for the first time in 3 years I'll actually be able to dress up and now that I know my fashion sense more than I did then, I'm willing to do some things over the top).

I want to look stunning for my party. Shallow, probably, but it's to prove to someone that it was their loss that they didn't grow a pair and make a move. So the dress is on its way here. Hopefully it will be here on Monday.

Here's the deal, it's a simple black dress...a cute little ruffle at the bottom, but now I need the shoes that state that I am a hottie that shouldn't be overlooked...

Do you think that these express that?

Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion. -- Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

I was struck by something tonight...something that has been in the works for over 3 months, but it struck me like a ton of bricks.

The life I lead now looks completely different from the life I lead one year ago... A majority of the friends I had a year ago have discarded me like a song you play too many times. I was stuck in a job that felt crushing, too easy, and had a lack of purpose. I was desperate for anyone to recognize me outside (and inside) of the community I had come so far to be a part of.

There are questions I'm dying to answer to...what happened? At what point did I become the person that people hated the most? At what point did my job change and at what point did I open myself up to some great friends that I had missed?

And while my life looks drastically different, here's what I know now to be true.

I chose out and by choosing out, I now have beautiful friends, who ask great questions, who push me closer to the Trinity in ways I haven't experienced in a year. I actually enjoy my job most of the time. I have found a place where my opinion matters, where I have earned the nickname the hammer, and where my superiors want to know what I think. I actually enjoy the people I work with, who have become friends outside of 8-5, Monday through Friday.

I am leading a wonderful life...and as much confusion I have over the last year of my life, I am grateful for it because it has opened my eyes to things I know now to be true, about me, about my life, about grace, about truth, and above all...love.

Finally, someone recognized what I was doing...

I sat in a meeting today with the CEO of my company. Yes, the same CEO who calls me the hammer.

The person we were meeting with asked if I was more accessible than him. I said yes, but probably until January. After January, I had no idea if I was accessible or not.

This is what shock me. The CEO made mention of me moving into a position where I was doing what I was doing for the last 4 months. He told this person that I had been doing a wonderful job and that he was impressed with my job.

And then he said the little words I've been dying to hear. He said "She's been doing 2 jobs, and been doing great at each..."

THANK YOU FOR REALIZING THAT FOR THE LAST 4 MONTHS I'VE BEEN WORKING AT 2 JOBS.

Now, if what he said is true that it might be possible for me to move up into a position like I've been doing, that would be awesome...

my latest song

In the events of my iPod crashing this summer, I lost all of my Counting Crows live cds.

Which wouldn't be a problem, except that I have no idea of where they are.

So I pulled out my old Counting Crows cds to listen to one my favorite songs ever written...Anna Begins.

Here are the lyrics:

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception." I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences.
"But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break.
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away.
And Anna begins to change my mind.
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along.
And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

I think the reason I keep playing this on repeat has nothing to do with the fact that my soul is distressed (which is typically the reason I play Counting Crows on repeat), but has everything to do with 9th line in this song (actually, the 9th, 10th, and 11th lines).

I was reflecting over my last year, trying to piece together the parts where I'm still feeling the pain, the sadness, the anger, the frustration of the last year. Trying to reframe my story in light of all that happened...

It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

Trying to redefine love in light of the last year makes it hard to actually love. Is it true, honest, beautiful or something that isn't spoken about in the light of day? Is it hidden from everyone except a few or given to every person, place and thing? When people hide from love, or abuse it to get what they want or need, the person hurt realizes that trying to love again is sometimes too painful...and I don't know if I want to live with that.

So, as I enter the last 54 days of the year, I'll try to move past the last year and move towards a future that looks different than I imagined and attempt to love in ways that I can only begin to dream of...because I can't let the last year continue to prevent me from moving forward.

60

I just realized that there are 60 days left this year.

Not that I'm asking for 2006 back (which by the way, I had a friend ask which year was worst, 2005 or 2006. It took me a second to answer that. While 2006 was dramatic and painful, in 2005 something horrible happened every single month, to me individually. So, my answer was 2005).

Anyways, I feel like there is this huge sense of "oh...my...god...I have so much to get done between now and then.

60 days to spend time with Tiff, to grow in friendship with Sara, go to Boulder to see a game, maybe go see a hockey game, maybe find a church, to fly back to Kansas City, to start skiing again, to see if I can position myself in a new job, to laugh, cry, redeem 2006, to plan for 2007...

wow...60 days.