Maybe this year will be better than the last

I've spent the last few days re-reading through my posts of 2006, trying to figure out what to say about the last year.

And there's the part of me that wants to be extremely vulnerable, letting the world know exactly what happened, and how I feel more free now than I did a year ago.

There's the other part of me, the rational part, that realizes that might not be the best idea.

I had wanted this year to be marked by love. And I don't think that happened until August. So for 7 months, this year was marked by pain, suffering, grief, and ultimately making hard decisions.

Understanding that what I had come out to Denver for and what actually was happening were two totally different things. And not even things you can justify. Choosing out was the best decision for me. The repercussions of that weren't what I expected (losing friends from the last 4 years, lies, rumors, believing I was crazy, etc) but the peace and freedom I have now, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

It was in August, when things started feeling like normal again. When I started to realize I wasn't crazy (thanks to my friends and my therapist), when I realized that the people around me were feeling it too and when life started to return to my eyes. It was in August that I realized what had fully happened to the last year of my life.

So, I would say the last part of 2006 were in fact marked by love. Love that causes you to take risks, to not be so angry, to hear truth, to sit in beauty, and ultimately love that causes you to move and grow. I've been blessed by some great friends, some incredible stories, and some new fun things.

It's funny...I looked through all the songs that I put on my blog this last year, and my soundtrack is totally par for the course of what I was feeling in the last year...

Faithfully by Journey
One by U2
Thank You by Alanis Morissette
I Will Not Take These Things for Granted by Toad the Wet Sproket
Confidence (For You I Will) by Teddy Geiger
Not Ready to Make Nice by Dixie Chicks
Oh Well by Fiona Apple
How to Save a Life by The Fray
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Boston by Augustana
Reasons Why by Rachel Yamagata
Look After You by The Fray
Someday You Will Be Loved by Death Cab for Cutie
Anna Begins by Counting Crows
Windows in the Sky by U2
Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams

Not a bad playlist in light of the year I had...

What does 2007 hold? Craziness like turning 27 and realizing I'm now in my late 20's. Like buying a condo...and not freaking out about it. Like going to Kenya. Like going after a job I totally deserve. And realizing that in the midst of everything, the consistency of community, relationality, the Trinity will not change, and for that I am so grateful. I have a hope that maybe this year will be better than the last.

And again, praying that 2007 will be marked by love.

Since it's snowing...again...

Here's something to help you understand what's going on with the weather in Denver...

May your Christmas be nothing like this

Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!

F-ing crazy...

So, yesterday was the best day ever...Why?

When I got up at 7:00 am (not part of the best day ever), I made breakfast.  I put in Scrubs (I had 3 seasons to get through).  I laid in bed, relaxing and simply enjoying the fact that I didn't have to work on a Thursday.

But by 11:00 am, I thought I was going to go crazy.  I had been couped up for 2 days and needed to get out.  So, I started making phone calls.  Penn Street Perk, closed.  Panera, closed.  Uptown Tavern...OPEN!  I loaded up my computer, put on my snow gear and walked the 3 blocks to a packed bar, to use the Internet and be with people.  Eventually Sheralee met me there and enjoyed some adult beverages with me.  I chatted on gmail, looked at myspace, and just enjoyed the people around me.

Eventually Sheralee and I left, and went back to my apartment to grab my camera.  She and I walked around the capital and cathedral, taking pictures of the beauty of the city.  It was so peaceful and absolutely beautiful.  We got to the capital and some girls let us take a couple of slides down on their sled.  People were so kind and giving in the midst of all of this.  The joyful spirit was overcoming so many people.  Jim met up with us and then we walked downtown.  The 16th Street Mall was beautiful and then we went to Lime for dinner (Jim ate...Sheralee and I just enjoyed his company).

After dinner, we were walking back to my apartment so I could check into Southwest for my flight today (more on that in a second).  But it was so far to walk, and it had gotten colder.  So, we started hitch-hiking.  And thankfully some New Yorker picked us up and took us to my apartment!  THANK YOU!!

Once I grabbed my info, we walked to Jim's and eventually came to the intersection of 12th and Pennsylvania, where 2 RTD buses had t-boned.  However, in the middle of the t-bone was a keg...

IT WAS A KEG PARTY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!  

FREE BEER!  

FOR ALL!

So, Jim, Sheralee and I took our free beer and walked down to his apartment.  I love it that people are so friendly in the midst of all of this.

I got my boarding pass, I'm sitting at the airport...my butt is a little numb from sitting since 7:00 am.  But I'm here, and supposedly I'm leaving tonight.  I'm anxious to get to KC, and hopefully I'm on a plane in 3 hours.  I'm prepared though...1st season of Grey's, a couple of movies, and trashy magazines...all in all, not too bad.  

But if I don't get out tonight, then we might have problems.

Pictures from the walk yesterday will be up later :)

An unexpected snow day...

We were all sent home today at noon because of the blizzard. I took Mark back to his house and then I made my way to Safeway and to 7-11. Why? Why not just go home? I had no food in my refrigerator. My fridge had 1 britta pitcher, 2 cherry cokes, and 12 beers. Which wouldn't be a bad thing considering that I am leaving on Friday to go back to KC and then when I get back, I'm house sitting for 12 days. So, why go to the store if I didn't need to? This was before I had to go home. I went to Safeway, realizing that I would need food since there was no way in hell I was going out once I got home. Plus I needed gas. I wasn't going to leave my car with 1/4 of a tank of gas in the midst of the 2006 blizzard.

Once I got home, I changed into my comfy clothes. I made lunch and then turned on the TV. I watched last week's "The Office" and "Scrubs". I rested, read the paper, and listened to music. I made brownies, took out the trash, and currently, I'm watching "The Blues Brothers". Now, this doesn't feel like the worst day ever, but I'm slowly getting cabin fever. I use to have days like this back in Chicago where I could just lounge. How in 2 years things have changed. I'm slowly getting restless. I wish my internet was back so I could surf the web and just play around. I wish I had neighbors who didn't hog their internet. Now, if the office remains closed tomorrow, I have no idea what I am going to do. I might wander over to Panera. Get some soup and steal their internet. But they might not be open. Everything is closing or is closed.

Colorado Mills -- Closed
City of Fort Lipton -- Closed (how does a city close down?!)
Dumb Friends League -- Closed
Great West Life Insurance and Annuity -- Closed

And I love that the national news is reporting on this blizzard. OH MY GOSH! IT'S SNOWING IN DENVER...A LOT OF SNOW! FREAK OUT NOW!

So, who knows what tomorrow will hold. But thankfully, I'm safe and sound and nothing is wrong with me...except for this damn cabin fever.

On a side note, my friend J was suppose to leave today to fly back to Chicago. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, which made me worry about my flights on Friday. Hopefully I should get out and get back to KC.

Baby it's cold outside

Blizzard Warning Issued For Denver Metro Area...

That's right folks, it's snowing like crazy in Denver and it's only suppose to get worse.

Thank you to the CEO and Presidents for closing the office at noon today and not opening back up until noon tomorrow...maybe not even opening tomorrow.

It's like getting a free day off...

I love it!

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered...

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway. -Mother Teresa

"A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours." -- John B. Priestly

Perhaps this weekend was one of the best I've had in a really long time.

I'll even venture to say in the last 18 months.

Now granted, I'm sick, really sick, and I was sick over the weekend, but that didn't stop me from making this weekend awesome.

9 of us went to Keystone for the weekend. We all got up to the townhouse at various hours in the day, but it was a weekend of relaxing, laughing, watching TV and just being together. Some of us skied, some of us went to the hot tub, some of us laid on the couch the whole day. And for everyone there it was an amazing weekend to just get away and enjoy each other.

I'm always hesitant to go on vacation with people I know. A majority of the time, it doesn't end well. However, after spending the weekend with the people who genuinely care about me, who encourage and support me, and who know what makes me tick, it was the best thing I could have done for my soul.

So to Beth, Frank, Maria, Jen, Jared, Sara, David, and Sara...THANK YOU! This weekend was amazing. Thank you for redeeming the weekend in the mountains and for loving me so well...I loved every minute of it.

these are a few of my favorite things...

Today is quite possibly one of the best days ever...

Here's why:

I love that it's the middle of December and it's 60 degrees in Denver.

I love that the Golden Globes were announced today and I saw it live (and think some people were robbed and some people got much needed nominations)

I love that I'm going to a concert tonight with my friend Sara and that it's within walking distance of my house and that it's one of my favorite bands.

I love that tomorrow afternoon I'm going on vacation with 8 fabulous people to the mountains to relax in the hot tub, ski down a mountain, and simply be with them...it's how a vacation should be.

I love that I'm going to KC in a week and can't wait to simply sleep in, have my mom do my laundry and see beautiful friends.

I love that my soul took a major change the other week and it changes the way I see people.

I love that I am a little less angry over the last year than I was a week ago.

I love that I no longer feel shame when a friend chooses out of relationship with me. I know I did nothing wrong (or I've owned what I did wrong)...if they choose to be childish and remove me without telling me, that's their issue not mine.

I love that I'm taking initiative in my life...knowing what I want and am willing to go after it.

Most of all, I'm grateful friendships, old and new, love, beauty and truth...because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth

and the soul felt its worth...

For some reason, this Christmas season is a little hard for me to get into. I don't know if it's the grieving from the last year that I am doing or if it's lack of space I am creating, but for me, I am not fully able to engage the holiday season this year. But, oh how I wish I could...

Today in the mail, I received the KBCO Holiday CD. A free holiday cd...I am shocked and amazed how this radio station sends me random cds that are amazing. On it contains my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night...every version of it I love and this version, sung by The Fray, is amazing...for some reason, this song has helped me engage the season...I just hope it last for the next 2 weeks.

O holy night,
The stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of
Our dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world
In sin and error pining,
Till He appeared
And the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope,
The weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees,
O hear the angel voices!
O night divine,
O night when Christ was born!
O night divine, O night,
O night divine!

Led by the light of Faith
Serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts
By His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star
Sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men
From Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus
In lowly manger,
In all our trials
Born to be our Friend!
He knows our need,
To our weakness no stranger;
Behold your King!
Before the lowly bend!
Behold your King! your King!
Before Him bend.

Truly He taught us
To love one another;
His law is love and
His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break
For the slave is our brother
And in His name
All oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in
Grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us
Praise His holy name!
Christ is the Lord,
Oh praise His name forever,
His pow'r and glory evermore proclaim
His pow'r and glory
Evermore proclaim.

it just became very real

On Friday, I spoke with my real estate agent (back story, last year I started looking for a place but it felt so overwhelming, so crushing and I couldn't do it). He and I hadn't spoken in a while and he's real concern was to see if I was okay. Not if I had made progress on my search, or if I wanted out, but he was curious to see if I was alive.

I know!

But then the most random thing happened. After I sent him an email of a condo that I really like, he sponsored me for my trip to Africa. Of all the people that could have donated, who have known about my trip, who understand my passion and what I am about, the last person I expected to give was him.

I am still in shock...

And as I told my friend Sheralee today over google chat, all of the sudden, my trip became very real. And now, I am more than excited than ever to go.

If this doesn't get you in the holiday spirit, we should talk...

to Kenya I will go

Imagine one of your greatest dreams...to be a world traveler, to invent something extraordinary, to make a difference.

Now imagine if it could come true...

For me, my dreams are about to become my reality. About 2 months ago, my friend Bri told me about how she would be able to get back to Kenya this next summer. She told me about what she would be doing there. She told me that I should look into it. Of course I've always wanted to go, to see something bigger than myself.

However, my first response to her was no. There was no way I could go. How would I do it financially, relationally, work-wise? For me, in major decisions, I turn to fear first and then realize what is and is not possible.

So Bri sent me the website. And I looked, and what I found was something I couldn't pass up.

So, from July 5-26, 2007 I, too, will be going to Kenya. For the first part of the trip, I'll be working with Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity, which consist of a school and a residential home for over 150 abandoned or orphaned women and children. The second part will be with Villa Teag Children's Center which consist of a school and residential facility for children who no longer have parents to care for them. The last part of my trip will include a safari and rest to re-enter a world that I probably won't recognize.

My trip site is up and is there to help you, and possibly help me. Here you can find more about my process of going, here how I am prepping and what it's like upon my return. You can also help me realize my dream. In order for me to go, I need to raise $5,000 (which includes everything from my flights to my food).

Please consider giving...help make my dreams a reality

a reflection back

In October of 2005, I posted about a song (typical me). Today I pulled out that song again and listened to it for the first time in a while...since this summer.

In reflecting back, I couldn't figure it out what it meant to my soul, no more than I could today. However, today it seemed to make more sense of what I was going through then.

come pick me up by ryan adams

When they call your name

Will you walk right up

With a smile on your face

Or will you cower in fear

In your favorite sweater

With an old love letter

I wish you would

I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends

They're all full of shit

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

When you're walking downtown

Do you wish I was there

Do you wish it was me

With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes

Do they all look like mine

You know you could I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends behind my back

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed

So I could make up my mind

Try it for sleeping instead

Maybe you'll rest sometime

I wish I could

hmm...means so much more, so much deeper than I realized only a year ago...

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

YAHOO!! My celebrity boyfriend is back starting tonight...Scrubs starts tonight at 9:00 PM EST. You know, as much as I thank God for the model train, I am also now grateful for the VCR...without it, I'd miss Grey's and that's just not going to happen.

my prayer on this cold night...

The shackles are undone
The bullets quit the gun
The heat that's in the sun
Will keep us when there's none
The rule has been disproved
The stone it has been moved
The grave is now a groove
All debts are removed

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Love makes strange enemies
Makes love where love may please
The soul and its striptease
Hate brought to its knees
The sky over our head
We can reach it from our bed
You let me in your heart
And out of my head, head…

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Please don't ever let me out of you

I've got no shame, oh no, oh no

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's doing to me?

I know I hurt you and I made you cry
Did everything but murder you and I
But love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize
To every broken heart
For every heart that cries
Love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize

This is U2's new song off of their latest cd. I want nothing more than for this to be my prayer for the next week, month, year...because I want everyone to know what love has done to the..especially in the last four months.

So, thank you Love for what you have done to me, because without You, I think I would have check myself into the hosptial worried that I was absolutely crazy.

To CNN/Headline News Producers

*I noticed this when I was up at 4:00 am and couldn't fall asleep...

At no point is it appropriate to use the song "Step by Step" by the late 80's/early 90's band New Kids on the Block to exit out of the news....NEVER!

perhaps, this is the beginning of feeling healed

This Sunday started off like any typical Sunday. I got up, I had breakfast, I went shopping with my friend Sara, I bought the really fun shoes, and then I came home.

And then perhaps the most unexpected thing happened. I walked back into a church. I didn't know anyone there besides Sara and Ethan. However, it felt natural, warm and hopeful.

I didn't feel out of place, I didn't walk in with a huge chip on my shoulder, I didn't walk in questioning how they were going to screw me over.

In an odd way, I felt like I was home. It reminded me of Jacob's Well in Kansas City, it reminded me of the intimate moments at Axis. It reminded me of good it felt to be connected to a larger body of people. And it was beautiful...

Perhaps you don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water...perhaps there is a middle ground where I can have my community and a larger group to be connected with...and perhaps this is what it feels like to be healed...

I kinda like it.

...the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you. -- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Yes, I am now just getting home from Thanksgiving dinner. And what a wonderful Thanksgiving it was. After spending the day with the Shepherd/Simpson family, I'm realizing how much I have to be grateful for.

And while I don't feel it is necessary to tell you each and everything I am grateful for, what I am most grateful for in this moment is cathartic conversations. You know, those conversations that after you are done having you feel more centered, more alive, more you. What I realized as I looked around the room after all the parents, grandmothers, aunts and uncles had left was that my life has truly been blessed in the last 4 months. To have the space to process, hear, cry, laugh, and release is precious, something often taken for granted and walked on without blinking an eye.

So to Beth and Frank for opening up their house, for their tears, and for their words, to Jen for your wisdom, to Maria for seeking to understand and Kathy for giving words of freedom, I thank you for perhaps what might be one of the best Thanksgivings I have ever had.

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach ~
Simple Abundance

See that fancy blue box

You might be curious to why the blue box is there.

Perhaps you don't care...either way, I'm going to tell you about it.

In order to raise some money for my trip to Kenya (don't worry, you'll start hearing about this soon enough), I've decided to ad AdSense to my blog. Perhaps when you use that blue little box some extra cash will be coming my way. And if push comes to shove and it doesn't work, that's fine too. Bri and I are brainstorming like crazy to figure out ways to fund raise for this trip.

Until then, please use it...help me out...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you can be a part of it (even you random people in India)

the things we will do for beauty

Our company holiday party is coming up soon. In order to look my best, I have bought a new dress...one that can be worn for this event as well as New Years Eve (I think for the first time in 3 years I'll actually be able to dress up and now that I know my fashion sense more than I did then, I'm willing to do some things over the top).

I want to look stunning for my party. Shallow, probably, but it's to prove to someone that it was their loss that they didn't grow a pair and make a move. So the dress is on its way here. Hopefully it will be here on Monday.

Here's the deal, it's a simple black dress...a cute little ruffle at the bottom, but now I need the shoes that state that I am a hottie that shouldn't be overlooked...

Do you think that these express that?

Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion. -- Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

I was struck by something tonight...something that has been in the works for over 3 months, but it struck me like a ton of bricks.

The life I lead now looks completely different from the life I lead one year ago... A majority of the friends I had a year ago have discarded me like a song you play too many times. I was stuck in a job that felt crushing, too easy, and had a lack of purpose. I was desperate for anyone to recognize me outside (and inside) of the community I had come so far to be a part of.

There are questions I'm dying to answer to...what happened? At what point did I become the person that people hated the most? At what point did my job change and at what point did I open myself up to some great friends that I had missed?

And while my life looks drastically different, here's what I know now to be true.

I chose out and by choosing out, I now have beautiful friends, who ask great questions, who push me closer to the Trinity in ways I haven't experienced in a year. I actually enjoy my job most of the time. I have found a place where my opinion matters, where I have earned the nickname the hammer, and where my superiors want to know what I think. I actually enjoy the people I work with, who have become friends outside of 8-5, Monday through Friday.

I am leading a wonderful life...and as much confusion I have over the last year of my life, I am grateful for it because it has opened my eyes to things I know now to be true, about me, about my life, about grace, about truth, and above all...love.

Finally, someone recognized what I was doing...

I sat in a meeting today with the CEO of my company. Yes, the same CEO who calls me the hammer.

The person we were meeting with asked if I was more accessible than him. I said yes, but probably until January. After January, I had no idea if I was accessible or not.

This is what shock me. The CEO made mention of me moving into a position where I was doing what I was doing for the last 4 months. He told this person that I had been doing a wonderful job and that he was impressed with my job.

And then he said the little words I've been dying to hear. He said "She's been doing 2 jobs, and been doing great at each..."

THANK YOU FOR REALIZING THAT FOR THE LAST 4 MONTHS I'VE BEEN WORKING AT 2 JOBS.

Now, if what he said is true that it might be possible for me to move up into a position like I've been doing, that would be awesome...

my latest song

In the events of my iPod crashing this summer, I lost all of my Counting Crows live cds.

Which wouldn't be a problem, except that I have no idea of where they are.

So I pulled out my old Counting Crows cds to listen to one my favorite songs ever written...Anna Begins.

Here are the lyrics:

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception." I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences.
"But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break.
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away.
And Anna begins to change my mind.
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along.
And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

I think the reason I keep playing this on repeat has nothing to do with the fact that my soul is distressed (which is typically the reason I play Counting Crows on repeat), but has everything to do with 9th line in this song (actually, the 9th, 10th, and 11th lines).

I was reflecting over my last year, trying to piece together the parts where I'm still feeling the pain, the sadness, the anger, the frustration of the last year. Trying to reframe my story in light of all that happened...

It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

Trying to redefine love in light of the last year makes it hard to actually love. Is it true, honest, beautiful or something that isn't spoken about in the light of day? Is it hidden from everyone except a few or given to every person, place and thing? When people hide from love, or abuse it to get what they want or need, the person hurt realizes that trying to love again is sometimes too painful...and I don't know if I want to live with that.

So, as I enter the last 54 days of the year, I'll try to move past the last year and move towards a future that looks different than I imagined and attempt to love in ways that I can only begin to dream of...because I can't let the last year continue to prevent me from moving forward.

60

I just realized that there are 60 days left this year.

Not that I'm asking for 2006 back (which by the way, I had a friend ask which year was worst, 2005 or 2006. It took me a second to answer that. While 2006 was dramatic and painful, in 2005 something horrible happened every single month, to me individually. So, my answer was 2005).

Anyways, I feel like there is this huge sense of "oh...my...god...I have so much to get done between now and then.

60 days to spend time with Tiff, to grow in friendship with Sara, go to Boulder to see a game, maybe go see a hockey game, maybe find a church, to fly back to Kansas City, to start skiing again, to see if I can position myself in a new job, to laugh, cry, redeem 2006, to plan for 2007...

wow...60 days.

to realize how small the world is

It's freezing in Denver. Well, not right now, not in this moment, but it's going to be freezing tonight.

And as the cold front blew in this afternoon, I decided that the staple of Panera would be the best option for lunch. I walked in, knew what I wanted and ordered my lunch...

However, this is when I realized how small the world was...

I saw one of our clients sitting with 3 other people. I waved, he waved and I thought nothing of it. As he was walking out, I noticed the 4th person at his table. Man, that guy looks so familiar. How did I recognize him?

And then it hit me...for my senior homecoming, I went with my friend Mike. We went retro and had the best time. We went to a malt shop for dinner and just laughed.

That's right, 8 years later, my high school homecoming date is living in Denver, working for our client, 2 blocks from my office.

Supposedly, they are going to bring him...I kinda hope it's tomorrow...It's my hope to rebuild the wonderful friendship I once I had with him...

thank you Elliot

I went out with some friends tonight, because I could and because wanted to...and as I sat down on a bench to enjoy the beautiful Colorado crisp night and the heaters, this guy sat down across from us (Sara, Jen and I).

He said the following:
"Do you all lay awake at night, thinking to yourself 'I am so beautiful.'?"

I didn't before, but I will tonight...

ahh, the little things in life that make you smile for days...

a day late and a dollar short

I recently bought the cd "Plans" by Death Cab for Cutie...and I can't stop listening to it. Mostly, I can't stop listening to 2 of the songs.

But the one that is really sitting with me these days is Someday You Will Be Loved...I feel like it's what the Trinity is saying to me these days.

Someday You Will be Loved, by Death Cab for Cutie
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

a commitment to wonder

And by wonder, I'll use dictionary.com's second definition "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel".

In the last year, I think I've lost my wonder. I've shut it down because of my life circumstances (a discussion that isn't fully appropriate here), however, after last weekend, I'm realizing how much I miss my wonder. I miss the part of me that always likes to imagine the best in people, who hopes for people, who believes in Santa Claus, love at first sight, and that the underdog always wins. And I've let others tell me it's wrong, told me to put it away, told me to basically shut up.

But today I am letting the world know that it's back...prepare yourself.

I don't know what happened this weekend, I don't know if it was celebrating Hayden's 1st birthday, or simply hanging out with my coworker and her friend, but here's the deal...I miss being filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel. I want to be filled with wonder in my friendships, that they will not hold back on the hard conversation and that there will be moments of awe. I want to assume that it's possible I am good at my job. I want to be surprised, not ashamed, when the CEO tells me I am doing a good job. And I'm sorry that I let the last year strip away my wonder, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did.

But I want it back.

In a long term relationship, you get your stuff back when you break up. I want my wonder back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it back because I miss it. I miss who I am when I haven't had it. I think Kelly recognized it when she was here over the summer...to see how beaten down I was, and she encouraged me to find it again. Tiffany, I know heard it in my voice all year long and didn't believe it until she came here (by the way, she's coming back and I cannot wait).

So, here's the deal...I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it back...and this time, when I get my wonder back, I will not let anyone strip it from me again.

I didn't realize

That asking about test results would lead someone to dump me. Now, I realize that my sensitive heart can be viewed as a flaw to some people, but it's one of the characteristics I love about myself. I've grown to love it...it's taken me years to appreciate it (mostly because it as shut down as a child, but that's for another time).

I'm sorry that I asked, I'm sorry that you chose to respond and open up...that part isn't my fault.

And you are right, I do have potential...you'll just miss out on it.

And it's over

For the last month, I've been seeing a great guy. He was nice, and caring, however it didn't last.

And to be honest...I'm really okay with it.

No, really I am.

Of course I am sad, but not devastated. And I knew it wasn't going to be forever. We had strange hours, we didn't really connect on a deep level, we didn't spend hours trying to figure out what made each other tick.

But for a short month, I understood that I was lovable, desirable and above all worthy.

So, Grant...thanks...it was wonderful meeting you...thank you being a part of my life over the last month...I will always think fondly of you.

I swear, my city isn't this slutty

I just saw this on MTV

Please, vistors and soon to be movers of Denver, remember not everyone in this city is as slutty as The Real World Denver would like you to believe. This makes me nervous.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

I am so grateful for my vacation...while there have been moments of anxiety (like getting a crazy flu bug for 6 hours), I am overwhelmed by this trip. Let me tell you a little bit more about my trip...

When I arrive on Thursday, I got to my hotel and dropped off my bags and headed towards the market. Why would anyone shop any place but the market is beyond me. Fresh flowers, fresh fruit, fresh fish...it was beautiful. I grabbed lunch and sat at the pier. Staring at the bay was, for the first time in a while, that I felt the freedom to simply stare off into the distance. I decided that since I was on vacation, taking a nap wasn't a bad thing. So I headed back to the hotel for a nap. I climbed into bed, a little chilly, but figured the blankets would help. An hour later, I realized something was drastically wrong. I was freezing, but my ears were on fire. I could not stop shaking. Crazy enough, 10 minutes later I was on fire. I had a freakish flu. It took me 25 minutes to walk from my hotel half a block to buy 2 bottles of Sprite, some saltines, chicken noodle soup and a bottle of water. And of course, every sick person's friend...Nyquil. And by Friday morning, I was fine.

Friday, I went to the Experience Music Project. I loved it. I learned how to play the drums, learned a ton about Jimi Hendrix and felt like I was in my element. It is remarkable to me how much I love music. I have no idea where it came from but I love to be surrounded by it. I went to lunch at a quaint little restaurant on the bay and had a delicious crab sandwich...and then a beautiful moment.

Friday night. I was fortunate to have dinner with 2 people I am crazy for, Erik and Toby. These are two of the men I was able to do 3 years of my life with. Having them in my small group for the 3 years I was at Willow was a blessing and while I sat across from them at dinner on Saturday night, I realized I felt at home. Home, where no one questions you, where you are allowed to be yourself, where you can simply show up...that's where I was. And I loved it. While I have had real conversations in the last year in Denver, I felt like for the first time in a long time, I had a truth-filled conversation. One where everyone shared openly, not because they had to, but because they wanted to, because they felt the freedom to share. It felt like a piece of my soul was handed back to me and reminded me of the gift I was given for three years. And I am grateful. I am grateful for sitting across from them and being heard...truly heard. I feel like only a few in Denver actually hear me. I am grateful for Erik's constantly thinking mind, of incorporating theology into my story and for Toby's compassion and understanding that can only come from knowing where I have been.

The amazing thing I took out of this dinner was my increased desire to know and be known. I want to ask better questions, listen better, love deeper and care more...to everyone, not just the people who I spend the most time with (and them as well).

On Saturday, I awoke late...8:00 am and got ready for the day. I headed down toward my friend Chad's Starbucks. Oh Chad...I love his friendship to me and I've missed it over the last year. Now the creepy man mustache, that should go. I took the ferry out to Bainbridge Island and then turned around and took it straight back to Seattle. I didn't want to stay...All I wanted was the hour and a half to simply stare into the bay. I would have kept staring at it all day. I instead walked around downtown, looking into unique stores for clothes I couldn't afford and accessories I really didn't want. I came back to my hotel to rest...it's my vacation, I can do whatever I want. That night, I treated myself to one of the best dinners I have had in a really long time. The Metropolitan Grill offered me Prime Rib, a Baked Potato, and some damn good wine. For the first time ever doing dinner by myself in a fancy restaurant, it was well worth it. So tasty, so relaxed and overall, delightful. I then went to the O Lounge to meet back up with Chad (considering about 20 minutes after I left his store, someone got shot and killed outside of his store, he needed to start drinking as quickly as possible). After drinking some gin and tonics and dancing to 80's music, we finally left. Chad and I decided that doing breakfast on Sunday was the best option considering we didn't really get to talk on Saturday night. After what seemed like a long cab ride home (I've gotten really good at hailing them this trip), I finally made it back to the hotel, with the hopes of seeing Chad in the morning.

Then Sunday came and I flew home. With no breakfast with Chad (I think he was recovering from the night before), I got to the Seattle Airport and just people-watched. The clouds of Seattle saw me out just like they had seen me in. And while I decided that living in Seattle isn't for me right now, what I realized is so many things on this trip. I re-evaluated my values, I saw what I once had was beautiful and that it can be recreated the moment people I love and who love me sit down, and realized that the choices I have made in the last couple of months are what is best for me. I gave myself the space to simply be me, to hear from the Trinity and to enjoy the space again.

I'm grateful to be back, to realize that I need more times like this with people I love and with myself. Maybe Tiff and I can meet somewhere for a long weekend...that would be amazing. But overall, the last 4 days were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

PS-If you click on the picture, you can see the rest of my pictures from the trip.

There are a million reasons to be excited about my vacation

However, perhaps my new favorite is due to the fact that I get to see Chad while I am in town.

Who is Chad?

Chad is my old Starbucks boss who I love dearly, who can make me laugh and who just told me "consider your ass texted".


This is going to be a great weekend...I can feel it already!

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking. ~Earl Wilson

In 3 days I'll be on vacation. I've been dreaming about this day since I first moved to Denver. Realizing the stress of doing a job that sucks the life out of you, I knew I needed to get out of town.

And while my first desire was the beach, what I am doing is the step before I can get there. So, I am off to Seattle!

I've always wanted to visit there, and now with 2 men who I love dearly who did the internship with me being there, I can't wait to see them.

Thursday I'll bum around the city, probably going to the Experience Music Project and enjoying the beauty. Friday I'm hoping to see Toby and Saturday spend sometime with Erik.

I found out that Cary Brothers and Josh Radin are playing Saturday night so I'm going to that show and Sunday I come home.

It sounds perfect to me....

4 days without my boss bothering me? Priceless...
Enjoying Two Buck Chuck, free waffles, and a hot tub...I can't wait!

“You owe it to everyone you love (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world. -- Anonymous

Trust me, my days are incredibly busy.

And finding tranquility is hard to come by. I'm still working the two jobs, still trying not to lose my mind and still trying to find a balance of life.

My friends, my dear beautiful friends, are helping me stay sane, through pizza and beer, shopping, movies and love. I love having them in my life.

But it's not easy to find tranquility when you are accidentally running into a pole because you have so much on your mind.

However, the vacation starts in 9 days...Seattle here I come...and I can't wait.

I once I had a dream about Matthew Perry

He took me to prom...And still think he is hot. And I'm so glad he is back.

I watched the first episode of Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. I loved it. I loved the writing, the acting, the direction, I loved the set...I feel like a piece of "The West Wing" has re-entered my living room.

I can't wait for this season of this show...it's amazing. You need to check it out.

Help me understand how this is easier...

As I was watching tv tonight, I saw an ad for this. I don't quite understand how this is any easier than just creating a double boiler.

I saw two movies this weekend "The Last Kiss" and "Gridiron Gang". "last kiss" is totally worth seeing..."gang" is not.

And, I can't stop playing my Fray cd in my car...I especially can't stop playing this song (mostly because I want it to be true in my own life):

Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

yes, you are right, free tickets are the best

picture from my new friend DMBFreakNo41 at flickr:

Yesterday while I was at work, I heard a rumor that the 4 box tickets to the Pepsi Center were available that night. So, I did what any smart person would do...I asked if I could have them. I was the first person to ask, so if I got the tickets, I would get all four.

Unfortunately, someone took 2 of the tickets, but gave me the other 2, as appreciation of all the hard work I've done recently.

That's right, I got 2 free box seats to see Dave Matthews.

It was amazing. My friend Katie and I went together and had a great time. I love spending time with her. It was amazing that I had the opportunity to see Dave...It rocked.

and now, next weekend, J and I get to see Guster in the 7th row. Giddy up...the month of concerts continues.

number 84

I didn't sleep well last night. I had this weird sensation with my brain and was up for about an 1 1/2 hours. Thankfully, I did get back to sleep.

I was up at 7:00 am, trying to prepare for my race. I drank a nalgene of water and ate as much of a Clif Bar that I could. I walked over to BA's at 8:30. She had to remind me to breathe deep and loosen up my arms.

We eventually got to Cheesman Park, checked in and walked around. So many organizations out and supporting this cause. We kicked off at 10:00 am, after watching some gay men doing aerobics at the front of the stage.

I finished the race. I wasn't first, but that wasn't what was important to me. What was important was for me to finish. And I did. I ran a majority of my first 5k and realized that I want to do it again. So, I'm looking for something to run at the end of October. Maybe I'll improve my time.

After showering and sharing the news with my parents, we (BA, the Sheps, Maria, and J) went to the Cricket to celebrate. I cam home and crashed afterward. I awoke from my nap like was drunk...and seriously, I only had one beer at lunch.

I feel so proud of myself. I did something that was on my list of things to do for the last 4 years. And I'm really proud of myself.

So thank you to all my sponsors who helped me raise $300 for the Colorado AIDS Project, to BA who ran/walked ever step with me and got me to relax, and to Beth, Frank, Maria, and J who helped celebrate this accomplishment with me after it was all said and done...

Don't you remember the JC Penny's Catalog?

In the mail today, I received a mini catalog from JC Penny's. I don't shop at Penny's, I have no idea how I ended up on their mailing list.

But as I was reading through it, I realized that one of my favorite memories from my childhood is going to my grandparents house and flipping through the catalog...the BIG catalog.

I would pick out furniture, clothing, toys, everything I wanted when I was older. I felt like I could live in my dream world through that catalog. Laying on the floor, while my grandparents watched their soaps (different from the soaps I watched at the pool a couple of weeks ago), I was able to dream about what I could be like.

I miss those moments of just being a kid where everything was simpler, easier, less complicated.



By the way, the reason I'm home tonight, posting at 8:14 pm isn't because I couldn't go out, I was choosing to stay home in light of my race tomorrow. One more day for you to sponsor me: http://AIDSWalkandRunColorado.kintera.org/mes9193

"do you really think you can change?" "I'm still breathing, aren't I?"

This is a line from Zach Braff's new movie. It feels apropos in my recent days. That change can come in any direction, in any movement. That some changes forces life to change, and while it is sad, and devastating, at the same time, it's what is needed.

Being vague has never been my strong suite...I've always wanted to be the one who says what they mean, speak truth, wanting my voice to be heard. Why hide behind lies, threats, unspoken vibes when the truth can and will set you free.

While my blog doesn't seem fully appropriate to voice some of what's really going through my mind, I know that I know. That my voice is heard amongst the Trinity and they love it. And while there are moments where I share it here, in my community of people who fully love me, who encourage me to listen to my intution, who encourage me to listen to the Trinity.

So, do I really think I can change?

I'm still breathing...

And based upon the last 2 months where I have felt free, more alive, more me, I can only assume that the next year in Denver will allow me to be me...and it's going to be fabulous.

Why my computer is changing my life...

Yesterday, I received my new computer....and I LOVE IT!! While I haven't discovered everything on it yet (like the guitar, I have no idea what it does or if it's something I can't wait to use), I love it. The screen is beautiful, the keyboard is awesome...it changes the way I am on my internet.

So, here's to my new computer...I can't wait to take it for a spin!

Best Labor Day EVER!

On Friday night, we met at Dave and Sara's to take off for probably the last camping trip of the season. The rain was coming down and we hoped it wouldn't rain all weekend. We enjoyed some Taco John's on the way up and then got to our site. Where you ask? Well, we went to Lake Mcconaughy in Nebraska. Did you know that 3 hours away from Denver you can find a kickass beach and a beautiful lake?

Oh my gosh...IT WAS AMAZING!!

Saturday we got up, had a wonderful breakfast and changed into our suits. We headed toward the beach, put up the sand volleyball net and went to town. It was amazing. The sun was out, I took a nap with the beautiful Hayden on my chest. We had lunch on the beach...it was perfect.

Sara, Maria, and I drove into town to get more beer, more ice and soda...it felt good to go into town.

Sunday was equally as fun. Instead of rushing out like we normally do on camping trips, we enjoyed our time. We played in the lake, we played more beach volleyball, we just enjoyed the last day of summer. I finally have the tan I've been wanting all summer long.

Monday involved buying my ski pass (since I bought skis on Friday) and playing some frisbee golf. I was in bed by 8:40 last night because I was exhausted.

This week should be fairly low key. Nothing major, except my run on Sunday. Please sponsor me...you can click here to donate. I'm almost to my goal! The run starts at 10:00 am on Sunday...send me good vibes.

Also, my computer should be here today...I can't wait!

I'M FREAKING OUT!

In the spirit of being honest, I'll simply say this:

Doing two jobs, one I'm totally qualified for and one that I have no idea what I am doing, is causing me to lose my mind.

I've cried today, wondering if I can really handle this. Why I was picked to do this, I have no idea...all I know is that I'm surviving on energy drinks and praying that I won't lose my mind.

So, tonight, I'll play some frisbee golf and go camping this weekend and Sunday night drink because I don't have to work on Monday.

And still I'm freaking out.

An Extravagant Love

I just want congratulate Kim and Matt on their engagement...I'm so happy for them!!

Watching Old School at Midnight....

So I'm taking the risk and posting at work...which obviously means I still don't have my computer at home. Apple keeps saying soon, which isn't soon enough. So until then, I'll fill you in on my weekend.

Friday night I went out to celebrate my co-workers birthday and almost started a bar fight. Almost is an overstatement, but I was in the mood to start one. We went to this great bar called "Garage" where we had free beer and free shots, and I drank way too much, but it was too much fun to pass up on...After the last week/month/year I've had, I deserved a night like this.

Saturday, after a poor decision to get an eyebrow wax after drinking all night, I went to see "Little Miss Sunshine". Beautiful, painful, harsh...I loved it...I want to own it and see it again. And after a 2 hour nap, I headed over to have a BBQ with Dave, Sara, Hayden, Frank, Beth and Maria. As we sat around eating dinner, enjoying each other, laughing, having an intense conversation about reconciliation and what does it mean, we decided that it was appropriate to watch Old School at midnight. Only Dave, Frank and I watched it...it was great...I love sitting around with those people, who allow me to be me, who push me closer to the Trinity and who ultimately love me at my core.

Sunday was spent watching movies and napping and then watching the Emmys. My weekend was beautiful. I loved every moment of it, and have recently realized that I'm enjoying my time more recently.

And this weekend looks just as good...camping Saturday, the pool on Monday...hell yeah!

But you and I, know the reasons why...

Where have I been? Well about 2 weeks ago, my computer crashed, died dead. I'm currently in the apple store attempting to buy my new computer. I can't wait. But since then, I've been without a computer, and I just don't feel right using blogger while I am at work.

What else is new? Well lots. Things have been crazy and hectic, sad, and good. Very, very good. Freedom has been felt for the first time in a year. The type of freedom that makes you breathe deep, look long and hard, and wonder why you ever lost that feeling. I've been searching for this freedom for a year, and finally I've found it. I told my therapist the other day that it feels like I've been released from prison. Food tastes differently, the sky is brighter, my drives on the Frisbee golf range are longer. And I wouldn't trade this freedom for the world. I finally feel like me again.

I got a promotion. I'm now a Sales Assistant at my work. Woo-hoo! A promotion means more responsibility, more money and more wrestling with the question "do I stay or do I go?" I've recover parts of my iPod, but I'm still missing some major stuff (IE: All my Live counting Crows...If I happen to burn you a CD of that, could you resend it to me?)

Otherwise, I've been listening to the soundtrack to "The Last Kiss" and came across this song by Rachel Yamagata...beautiful, deep, and of course, saying what my soul has been saying.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio
And I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why

Just an FYI...

Until further notice, anonymous comments will be turned off...

Sorry my anonymous friends...I would like to know who you are so I can say thank you...

I think I need a sunrise

Boston (here it here)
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear,
you look so lost,
Your eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
Well you said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains,
oh yeah.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
Oh yeah well
I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise,
I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.
Boston, where no one knows my name.
Thank you Augustana for writing the lyrics to my heart right now...

I realize this will be a mindless post

and I'm okay with that...

I'm addicted to myspace.

It started off slowly...adding a friend here, adding a friend there. However, it's become a full blown addiction.

Case in point, I found my prom date on there today...He lives in Denver. RANDOM!! He was a sophomore, I was a senior....it was actually a good time.

I almost wish I could stop...almost.

I need your grace, to remind me to find my own....

** a caveat to this post: I just helped make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and I feel shame, guilt, responsibility and ultimately in need of grace. That is where this is coming...from a place where only the tears streaming down my face know how to reach....please read the following as a message to myself and to the people I've invested the last year with. Should you need clarification, please email me. If you need to state your judgment, currently I'm not accepting those emails. Please check back later. -- end of caveat

*******************************

I just need to say is I'm sorry...I didn't know what else to say, how else to defend, what else to do. I really just need someone to say this isn't going to end everything I've established in the last year....

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
By Snow Patrol

Damn you Tina Fey

For leaving SNL


This new show you are in that's coming out in the fall better be damn good....

Well, of course the burden is light...

Last night after Beth Anne and I went to dinner, we were driving on Colfax and we passed a group of people. The guy in the front of the group was carrying a cross. Carrying might be an overstatement, considering the fact the cross had a wheel. Well, hell....No wonder the burden is light, you gotta wheel helping you. Come on man....


In other news, I plan on taking 2 naps today. I went to a public pool, and I need to finish cleaning my apartment.

And you need to go the Keg Restaurant (not only because it's named after me). They gave BA and I a free shrimp cocktail...well hell, if you are going to give me free food, I will go back.

it's the little things that I miss...

A few co-workers and I went out for happy hour tonight. As Katie and I waited for the boys to arrive, 2 guys made their way towards us...Blaine and Kelly. It wasn't anything special, however, it was ironic that they ended up sitting next to us at dinner and they got incorporated into our table (and I think a business deal happened).

Besides the point...the point of this blog is that I miss the little things in life...here are just a few...
Being hit on at a bar.
Going to a bar with the potential to be hit on.
A really good laugh.
Spending hours driving between my house in Leawood and her house in Lee's Summit just so we could hang out.
Sitting to discuss real life with her
a really good pedicure
a warm hug
that kiss that makes you remember why you love physical touch
an encouraging word


My therapist is attempting to teach me how to really love myself well (if you have a question regarding why I am in therapy, see the past year's posts, otherwise, email me or keep your mouth shut...I don't want to hear your theology on it). Maybe tonight was a way to love myself well...not that anything happened, nor do I believe that Blaine will call, but I need to remember that I am worth it for some guy...but I could really go for that kiss. ;o)

Just something fun...

I bought football tickets today. To the Colorado vs. Kansas State game. And. I. cannot. wait. I feel as giddy as I did in college when I had the chance to buy football tickets.

My parents are coming in from Kansas City to go with us to the game. In November. I'm really looking forward to it. It feels like it something I need to do in order to love me well.

In other news, we are going camping here this weekend

Yes, it is in Colorado, about 4 hours away, near Aspen. And every picture I've seen looks exactly as beautiful as this.

There will be pictures up on Sunday when I get back.

Today the music died (and so did my phone)

As I was driving to pick up some medical records, I plugged in my iPod. As I drove down Colorado Blvd, stuck in traffic, something interesting started happening. My iPod started skipping songs. It would play 20 seconds and then skip to the next. It would play one whole song and then skip 3 songs after that.

I've attempted to reset to factory setting, I've pressed the center button until I was blue in the face...nothing is working. I believe, dear friends, today is the day the music died. I don't know what I am going to do without my iPod. 1,344 songs, trapped on a machine that I can't play. What the hell am I going to do on my drive to the mountains this weekend. How will sleep while I am camping? I'm sad and distraught, and I'm hoping my friend Jim (who works at the apple store) might be able to help. Otherwise, I'm going to have to wait until I have more money to buy a new one.

A moment of silence please....

The other tragic news is my phone died. It keeps turning itself off. When I took it to Sprint today, they couldn't reproduce the problem. However, once I got the phone back, I could (while in the store), so Sprint is replacing my phone with a pretty ghetto phone.




But again, come December, I can get a pretty sweet phone...

Here's to my life being disconnected!

I kinda wish I had paid better attention

This is Fabio Cannavaro, the captian of the Italian Soccer team...oh holy hell...I wish I would have paid better attention...he's beautiful. He is the reason to watch soccer and reminds me why I always fell for all the soccer boys in high school...

to be moved...

Lately, I've been moved by music, which isn't a shock considering that God typically speaks to me through media. I downloaded these songs and I can't get them out of my head.

One of the songs, a song by The Fray (a Denver band), has brought me to tears. When I finally sat down to listen to the words, I was struck by what they actually had to say:

How to Save a Life...
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

What's unique to me in this song is the sense of "I get it". I've lost too many friends along the way due to decisions that I have made. These choices were right for me...I'm sorry you felt like I chose something other than our friendship, but you choosing out of it hasn't been easy either. These choices were ultimately right for me but not for the friendship I was in at the time. Perhaps I'll never know how the other person felt in the process of me choosing, but I would have stayed up all night had I know how to save a life.

The other song that I can't quit playing on repeat is by Fiona Apple.

Oh Well...
What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen
Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well

What I believe to be true about me is that I deeply believe in relationships. Perhaps there is some codependence there, but to my core, it's all about relationships. They transform you in the way they rub up against you, the way they push you to reconsider life, the way they help you see the life. While everyone may not agree that it's all about the relationships you have in your life, I fully believe that in the end, it's the Ultimate relationship with the Other that moves you towards love. My relational world here in Denver these days relies on 4 people who pursue me on a regular basis. My love for them has gotten me through the last year...if it wasn't for them, I would have checked myself into a mental hospital. However, for the rest of the people in my life who have made it hard for me to connect...oh well...there is so much to say and not say and for now, I'll stay in my apartment remembering that there are people who do believe in the stuff and for them, I'm willing to go all the way.

deep breath in, deep breath out...

I've always loved the smell of rain. Something so distinctive about it...growing up in Kansas, you could always count on a couple of really good summer storms and the sound of the rain beating against my window was reassuring at some level. Every summer I was involved with Icthus at Colonial, we could count on having to fly home because of the horrible summer storms.

I'm sitting next to my window, listening to rain fall here in Denver. It's a little different. The intensity that could be isn't there. It's softly falling, consistent and probably in 15 minutes, it will be done.

I fell like the rain is consistent of who I am these days too...I'm a little disruptive, a little commanding, and a little out of place. I'm feeling it in every area. I went to see The Devil Wears Prada today, and it struck a cord in me. One area was my job...I've realized that my job isn't where I'm suppose to be. I love to travel, I love to visit places I've never been. Currently my job doesn't provide that opportunity. I've been blinded by own lack of desires recently...I've become complacent.

So, I'm taking little steps to remember how to love myself. I purchased this amazing photo this week and I'm willing to discover what it means to me. I will continue to choose relationships that continue to choose me, and I will continue to be like the rain. Refreshing, unexpected, ever-changing.

a shock, I know...

I work in a part of Denver called Cherry Creek. For me, it's the pretentious, yuppies who are trying to prove to each other that they matter more. We have an arts festival every year that encompasses all of Cherry Creek.

So, instead of attempting to drive today, I took the bus...for the first time ever. I never took it in Chicago, I couldn't understand it. However, Denver's (at least my little part of it) is pretty damn easy.

But I won't lie, it stressed me out like crazy this morning. Here's no shocker, I like to be in control (ultimately, it deals with a greater part of my story, but for a different post). Being on the bus this morning was a lack of control. I couldn't figure out when it would be here (exactly), I couldn't initially figure out where I was suppose to stand...but I did figure it out, and I really enjoyed it. In fact, I'm wondering if it would be good for my soul to do it more often...but something to consider later.

Kelly is still here...a BBQ tonight, the pool, dinner with BA, Sara, and David tomorrow....dancing at Mynt, and then she leaves...and I know in the midst of all of it, good, deep conversations will occur and that's what I need right now.

PS-I love him, I do

revolution...

Revolution defined as: "A sudden or momentous change in a situation". I feel like my last few weeks, months have been leading me up to this.

A momentous change in a situation. I'm taking control of my relational world (or the lack there of on a scale that I know it to be). It's not what it was, it may never be again, but I know that what I have is what I need. Granted there are a few relationships in the recent weeks that have left me abandoned, hurt, crushed, but until there is movement, I will continue in my momentous change.

What does that mean? Little things like internet in my house, iTunes on all the time, less tv, more im's. Running a 5-k in September for AIDS. Seeing and spending time with Kelly this weekend, choosing eHarmony since I can't meet men at the bars (and perhaps it isn't can't as much as I don't want to). Laughing more, crying more, confiding in Sara more...choosing relationships that move me towards transforming. Reading on how to incorporate psychology and theology. Remembering that I did go to seminary for a reason..

So, who knows where this revolution will lead me...but it started with Tiff being here and will be propelled by Kelly being here and eventually devoting more to the people who want me to simply be me...

One year later...

Oh holy hell, I've been here one year...

And to be honest, if you couldn't tell based upon the posts of the last year, it hasn't been easy or fun. Don't get me wrong, I love Denver, I love Sara and David, Vivian and the small portion of community I have experienced. But overall, this year has been hellish.

And what made me realize I had been here a year wasn't some grand moment in time...I was walking to my last small group and ran into Shawn...oh Shawn...Shawn is my neighbor and the neighbor I made out with the first month I was here. I met Shawn the first night I was here because all my neighbors were sitting out on the porch drinking a beer. I don't know...so don't bother asking. It was seeing him as I walked down Pennsylvania that I realized I had been here a year.

Painful, not running into him, but just the year that has been. While the moments of pure joy seem distant, I know they are there and I know I am committed to seeing what type of community I can be a part of here. But the moments of loneliness seem to be running through my head right now...perhaps that is more due to the fact that I was in therapy last night and he said somethings that stung.

So, one year down in Colorado...I'm officially a native (weird, I know).

In other news, Tiffany was here last weekend and it was so refreshing to my soul. To have her here and experience what life is like to me, that was amazing. To have Sara, Maria and Beth spend time with her and get to know her, beautiful. I love her more and more and I realized how much I do miss her...she is an amazing woman. So thank you for coming...that weekend alone did more for my soul than anything I could have needed in my life.

a weekend that was, in fact, community...

I looked across my front porch Friday night and realized that this was the most community I had felt here in a long time. Sara, Hayden, Viv, Beth Anne, Sheralee, Maria D., Maria G., and Jared had all come over to grill. We sat around, laughing talking and just simply being. It was all the community I had hoped for when I first moved here one year ago and finally I had it.

Saturday was spent seeing a movie and going to see Second City. A good laugh and alone time, both beautiful for my soul. Spending time with people, Viv, Maria G., and Maria D., was great simply because there was no expectation of what would happen...except a good time.

Sunday we were invited to the Warwick to enjoy their roof top pool. Imagine 4 working professionals acting like 10 year olds. Marco Polo, seeing who could hold their breath the longest, somersaults...it was awesome. Again, community at its finest.

One thing I'm beginning to realize is that my community is really decent. I have Sara and David who love me deeply and encourage me to be me. Vivian has known my story for 4 years and we often have the exact same thought process. Jared, a brother in hiding, who can finish my sentences and is a concert friend. Sheralee and Maria, who are beautiful women in my life who continue to encourage and love me well. Beth Anne, who pursues me for random Liks runs and can go deep with me, shares equally, and loves to laugh with me...I have some decent aspects of community.

Perhaps, I won't ever be included with the popular kids (just like high school) and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt less...it just means that the people I choose to spend time with bring me life and for that I am grateful.

And my community from afar is slowly joining me here...Tiffany this weekend, Kelly at the end of June, Christie in August...now if only Bri and Craig would get their tails out here, that would be awesome....

Because my friends are hilarious

My friends, Maria and Vivie wrote the story for me while I was missing in action from our daily email banter. Please enjoy.


Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Meghan. now Meghan was really special princess, and not just because her name was spelled with an "h”. she also had a very special gift and people from the entire kingdom would travel for days just to sit in her court. Her court had the best Jesters in kingdoms... And there was a very special Jester among them... Zachariah Braffsterlen. Now Zachariah Braffsterlen was not only the funniest Jester in all the world, he was also the most beautiful man for miles and miles! (to the chagrin of the prince of course. as Princess Meghan was betrothed to the Prince of Asternim, Prince Tucker.. (ps - chagrin - good word!) Prince Tucker, Lord of the Bow Tie, was well educated, a well off prince, a fine catch for any young princess, and yet Princess Meghan's affections were inexplicably tied to the lowly beautiful Jester. “But I'm a Princess!!! How am I attracted to the Jester?!" Those were the words that would go through Princess Meghan's mind all day...And she was very aware of her attempts to even fool herself - as attraction was to mild of a word... But how could she admit that she was in love?!?!? She knew she was supposed to be in love with Prince Tucker... yet she knew that she was only attracted to him. One morning, as Princess Meghan was contemplating this very conundrum, Jester Zachariah Braffsterlen arrived for a long day of court earlier than usual. It took every ounce of strength the Princess had to say "Good Morning" instead of "Hello my love.” The Jester was taken aback by the Princess address - he was not performing his entertainment duties and still she addressed him... Unbenowst (sp?) to the princess, deep down he was glad that she did - and unbenowst (sp?) to the jester, she saw the sparkle in his countenance. Their mutual attraction, or dare I say affection, was immediately irresistible and they were drawn to each other's arms like a fish to water. She could smell his scent... the scent that has nothing to do with perfumes and all to do with who he is - and she found herself home for the first time... no castle or summer palace could compare to being in his arms. Suddenly - just as Princess Meghan and Jester Zachariah Braffsterlen were becoming more comfortable on the journey of getting to know one another in the biblical sense, Prince Tucker walked into the court with a beautiful bouquet of Gerbera Daisies for the princess. He was aghast at what he found! "YOU ARE MY FIANCEE!!!!" He yelled at the top of his lung, "And he is nothing but a Jester!" Ears had never heard such scorn and contempt... He stormed out of the castle! Princess Meghan wrenched herself out of the arms of her beloved Jester and ran after him. She had to explain - as much as she loved Zachariah Braffsterlen she couldn't bear to see Prince Tucker in such pain. But Prince Tucker wouldn't have it... His honor was destroyed... He faced no choice... He had to face the Jester in a duel <> The local armsman - Sir Ted Nugent - ran to get a pair of dueling pistols. My oh my? What is going to happen - you'll find out, right after the break. Zachariah finds himself in a quandary - he's never held a gun before... His weapons of choice are his wit and his charisma... but how would he employ them in this scenario? It was determined by the crowd that gathered (every good duel needs a crowd) that Prince Tucker and the Jester would each choose a pistol, stand back to back, take 10 long strides, turn and shoot - whomever made it out alive would win Princess Meghan, who was understandably distraught over the entire proposition. Out of the woods came a mysterious stranger claiming to be the world famous funny-man Lord Paperseller. The key is in distraction he said quietly to Jester Zachariah. Use your wit and charisma to distract the Prince, then's the time to attack. Princess Meghan and Zachariah's eyes met - hers filled with tears, his filled with confusion and despair... Each man picked his pistol and as they stood back to back the Jester asked the Prince a question. Have you seen the one with the crab? Be careful out there...I peench. Prince Tucker knew exactly what he was talking about - and did his best to keep his composure...Zachariah knew that he had found his weakness - he likes funny jokes! With his new found confidence Zachariah began the long journey of 10 strides - all the while using his skills in joking to distract the Prince. The Prince on the other hand began to doubt himself - if he was so easily distracted, how was he going to win the Princess? Maid Gort and Maid Berrios-Torres (that's right, Princess Meghan's court was international) came to their Mistress side - full of confidence that the Jester already had the upperhand... Meanwhile, in the background, the Paperboy was cheering on the Jester, knowing that he couldn't stop Princess Meghan from her original true love... She only wanted her to be happy... Without warning Prince Tucker turned early and began firing! He wasn't about to let his true love get away that easily! "Hey, what did you do that for?" Zachariah exclaimed... the bullet only brushed his sleeve, damaging the shirt and not hurting him in a bit... Princess Meghan and Maid Gort and Maid Berrios-Torres could barely breathe! What was going to happen next? While Jester Zachariah was not injured he was infuriated! He too turned and began shooting - finding intense energy in his rage. He had no idea what he was doing - no control over his actions...Maid Mandy got hurt - but no one really cared... Both the Prince and the Jester ran out of bullets and a stifling silence settled on the clearing. Everyone wanted to know what had happened. <> The only audible force was the wind..."I don't want to do this anymore" said Zachariah..."Here, in front of everyone, I confess that I'm in love with you - from the first day I saw you... me riding the unicycle while juggling, you laughing so hard you started to cry... your eyes pierced me and I knew I would never be the same... And I know that you will never be mine, as I am a lowly Jester, and you are, well, a Princess..." In that moment Prince Tucker (who was still alive - neither man was a great shot) knew what he had to do. He slowly peeled himself off the cold damp grass - but no one noticed, all eyes were on Jester Zachariah. "I love you my Princess" he said "And that love drives me to let you go. If you choose me, you will make me the happiest man on the face of the earth. And - I want you to be happy, so the choice is yours my love." This is the moment she had been waiting for!!! She was about to announce her obvious choice, when all of the sudden..."As long as we're doing this... Princess Meghan, I'm in love with you as well... I know I can't control you or force you to chose me. But I needed you to know... If I can be one of your choices, then, I needed to give it a shot (no pun intended with the duel)" It was the Paperboy. Princess Meghan was floored and overwhelmed. This changed everything! Maid Gort reminded her of Maid Cooper's timeless bit of advice: "When you're wondering who you really love, ask yourself who you'd rather be standing outside your burning apartment with?" And in that moment Princess Meghan knew who it was she loved. Princess Meghan knew that all three men would hold her and comfort her in the event of a fire or other disaster. However, there was only one man who would make her laugh and move forward. Princess Meghan turns to the Paperboy..."Thank you so much for your words... I'm sorry I can't reciprocate this...""I chose you, Jester of my heart!" Prince Tucker was speechless. He got on his horse and rode into the sunset...The devastated Paperboy started to walk away as well. His heart was broken, yet he accepted his fate. "What about your honor? Your crown?" asked the Jester "I would renounce it all in a heartbeat just to be with you". Their first kiss was the most memorable kiss in the story of humanity...<>"What are you thinking about, honey?" asked Megs. "Are you daydreaming again?" Zach was caught! He knew he and his alterego J.D. drifted away every now and then, and he couldn't hide this from his wife of 10 years...He just smiled..."Honey, get ready!" said Zach, "We'll be late for our double date with Jim and Pam"

The End

because I want this to be true in my own life...

Our deepest fear is not

that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are

powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all to make manifest

the glory of Godthat is within us.

It's not just within some of us;

it's in everyone.

And as we let our light shine,

we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,

our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson