Right now

Books I am reading:
"A Girl Named Zippy" by Haven Kimmel

What I am listening to:
The soundtrack from "Garden State"

Movies I want to See:
"First Daughter"
"Wicker Park"
"Vanity Fair"
"I heart Huckabees"
"Ray"

Oh my gosh...I think I have an ulcer

Okay, I've never understood the whole eBay phenomenon. I didn't get it. Why would you want to buy someone's old used item, when you could buy a new one? I could maybe see the site for antiques, but otherwise, I thought it was a waste of valuable internet space.

That was until I decided to try it...

Right now, I am bidding on something. I'm so freaking nervous, that I don't know what do with myself and I can't tear myself away from the computer. I keep rechecking to see if I have won. I've done laundry, I've taken a shower, I've balanced my checkbook, I've ordered my textbooks for the next quarter (and those weren't all that exciting either). I could clean my room, but in the time it would take to get started, the sale would be done. I think I am going to win. But I am beside myself waiting for that moment.

My sister is an eBay fanatic. She buys stuff, she sells stuff, she probably is one of the sellers that has those fun objects next to her cute screen name. As for me, I have a big fat zero next to mine because I'm a newbie.

And if I'm honest, I'm only blogging right now because I need something to calm me down. I have three minutes left. I'm afraid that if I do win, I'll want to buy more. And the only other thing I really want is an old school Nintendo. Now that would be fun. But I can't focus on anything right now.

AHHH!! One minute, 19 seconds....56 seconds....I can feel my ulcer forming and shaping inside my stomach (as if I don't have enough digestional problems as is)

I WON!! I WON! I never win! Well, that's not true. Once in middle school, in Kansas City, there was a time when Kiss 107.3 had a chance for you to kiss a car and if you kissed it the longest, you won. I wasn't old enough, but I got 5 cds. And I won the Bands Reunited contest here in Chicago and got $100 gift certificate to VH1.com.

So, now I wait for my item to arrive. I can't wait...but I don't think I'll do eBay any time soon. I need to recover from my first experience.

In Case You Were Wondering...

"But as dawn broke along historic St. Charles Avenue through the heart of the city, massive live oaks still stood majestically and stately mansions were unscathed. All the street lights and traffic lights were working...." -from a MSNBC.com article

Friends, New Orleans is fine, my family is fine, and if you want more information on a city I love dearly, check out this article from MSNBC http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6017042/

Have a great weekend...I'll be at the grand opening of our new huge building, and you can see it here: www.willowcreek.org

In the midst of chaos...there is peace

First off, let me say that I'm so grateful that my relatives have left New Orleans in order to seek shelter from Ivan. This may be harsh to hear, but if my grandfather was still alive, I doubt my grandmother would have left New Orleans. He was stubborn and probably would have tried to withstand the hurricane. Thankfully, my uncle and aunt took my grandmother away and now they are all safe and sound. I have many friends from North Carolina and I don't know how they do it...how they are at peace in the middle of chaos with hurricanes.

In other news, my life is chaotic. I was talking with my friend Allison last night, and I told her, I don't know if I had ever been through such a year of chaos and change. And I realized as I said that, I probably had, but never in my life had I been able to deal with it all in a healthy fashion. I'm still learning how to grieve, I'm still learning it's okay to be angry, but I can handle change much more now. I could list them all but here are just a few:

• I changed jobs (well, places where I am doing my internship, which basically was a job change)
• I changed offices (and yes the window is a nice change of pace, even if it is a little one)
• People I am extremely close to in the internship moved on and graduated
• Elevate (my old ministry) was turned upside down
• Oasis and Champions (my new ministry) are in constant change
• There is a huge new freakin' building that was built in front of my eyes and it changes the way I am able to do ministry.
• We have a new check in system with computers that don't work

See and that's only a few...I took a vacation to Denver, which was awesome and I loved it, but I feel like since my ministry kicked off on Monday (that's right, September 13th) I need another vacation. My desk is a mess, my planner is a mess, my car is a mess, which all means that I'm not taking time to slow down. The director of the internship has an acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) and if you are any of these, you need to halt and take some time for yourself. Except I've changed it to C.A.L.T. (which doesn't make sense, but if I changed it to talc, that would just be weird). Instead of being hungry, angry, lonely or tired, I know I need to stop when I am cluttered, angry, lonely or tired. I'm hoping this weekend, I'll have some time to relax, which it looks like Saturday and Sunday for the most part will be okay and I'll be able to C.A.L.T.

On a different front, I think I'm breaking away from the good ol'Franklin Planner and buying a pocket pc (a.k.a.-palm pilot). It's just so bulky and I hate the fact I have to erase and/or white out when I have to change things. Plus, I would like to use my Outlook a little more often. Who knows, by the time I write next, maybe I'll have one.

Yes, I know Kansas State lost last weekend...I still have faith.

No, I haven't found a dance class yet...I think that's going to be my search this weekend.

Thursday night...Still Must See TV?

If you know anything about me, you know that Thursday nights are my night to watch tv.

For multiple hours.

I have been known in the past to watch from 6 pm till 10:30 pm and if you are lucky, I'll stay up till 11:30 just to watch a bit more. However, that all changed last May.

On May 9, 2004, my life changed and a part of me died. Well, that's a little over dramatic (which I know I enjoy being from time to time), but it's true. After 10 years of faithfully devoting myself to Thursday nights at 7 pm, "Friends" finally ended. I felt a little like my soul was ending and I needed to say good bye to six of my closest friends. It was sad (in fact the whole month of May was sad, but that's for a different post). I knew I still had "Will and Grace", "ER" and "The Apprentice" to watch, but it wouldn't be the same.

Now tonight, I watched "Joey". I laughed, I almost cried, and I realized that my Thursday nights will no longer be the same. It's still the same Joey that I grew to love after 10 years, but I'm still waiting for Monica or Ross to enter the picture. I'm still waiting for the coffee shop to appear in a scene, and I'm still waiting for a chick and a duck to enter the picture. Which by the way, where did they go since Chandelor gave them to Joey because of the twins???

Thursday nights will still be my night to watch thousands of hours of tv, but with "The OC" moving to Thursday nights, will I still be dedicated to NBC, or will my VCR become used more often than it is right now? I really do think "Joey" has a shot to make it, like my friend Kochie said, it will just require people to realize that it isn't the same. I just don't know if I'm ready to accept this change quite yet...

One thing I love...

So, today is September 4th. Do you realize what today is? For me, today is the beginning of the fall. Today is the first day that I know I can begin to wear a long sleeve shirt, jeans, and flip flops and know that I will be comfortable. Today begins my favorite season of all time. But that isn't the reason that I love this day. Today began college football season!!

In 1998, I began to fall in love with college football. I went to my first football game at the KSU Stadium to see the Kansas State Wildcats defeat a small school and I was hooked. I went to almost every single home game during my college career. I saw the Wildcats defeat Nebraska at home twice. I helped tear down the "indestructible" goal post and watch them be carried into Aggieville. I've laughed, cried, hugged random people, and watch these Wildcats of mine go on to write history. I love them and they are forever part of my life. Some people claim that I am a fanatic, but I love this team. I love Bill Snyder and the team he has created. I love Manhattan in the middle of the fall while game day is going on. I've never felt a city such defeat and joy in the same week and know that 20,000 students as well as alumni and fans around the country are cheering on the Wildcats. Our schedule this year looks good. I'm worried about what will happen and whether or not we can defend our Big XII title without a definite quarterback. I'm curious to know if Darren Sproles win the Heisman trophy. I wonder which bowl we will play in December or January.

Have you caught the spirit of college football? If not, let me know...I can help!

Queen City of the Plains

So, here I am in beautiful Queen City of the Plains. Perhaps you don't know where that is, but it's Denver. I love it so much here. I can't believe the beauty of the city, the quaintness of the city, the pure fact that it was 90 degrees yesterday, and I didn't sweat. I love it. I'm visiting friends who are planting a church. Everyone lives about a block and half away from each other and it reminds of the things I loved so much about college. People being close, walking distance to everything that matters, the shear beauty. Colorado is some place I wouldn't mind moving to after I'm done in 280 days. I do know I would help with the church, but I just don't know quite yet...

We drove 15 hours from Chicago to Denver. Have you driven through Nebraska before? What a terrible state (and I'm not just saying that because I don't like the University of Nebraska)! There is nothing redeeming about the state. Well, I take that back. We stopped in Lincoln for lunch and we ate Sonic. I love that place so much. It really does speak love to my soul. We got into Denver and I crashed because I was so tired from the night before and driving for 15 hours. Yesterday we got to meet the Radius Church family and while I was helping make dinner (I was using a mallet to thin out the chicken breasts), I whacked my index finger. It hurt so freaking much...but I don't think I am going to lose the nail. We are planning on going hiking tomorrow and who knows what Sunday will hold for us, but I definitely needed this vacation. I've realized more and more that my rhythm of life must include times when I can just get away and relax and disconnect. I'm hoping my next vacation will be in the spring and I would love to take one after I graduate.

Here's something fun: I'm planning on taking dance classes when I get back. I can't wait. I danced for 9 years, it was and still is a part of my soul. I'm scared out of my mind that I will fall on my face and make a fool of myself, but this is something I have shut off inside of me and I need to reclaim it. I need to get the ballerina out of the closet and back on the dance floor. I'll keep you posted on how this goes and if you are curious to how I decided to start this again, the story is much more personal than something I would share here, so you'll just have to email me.

Pictures will be coming soon...wait till Tuesday when I can upload them and publish them. Until then, I'm enjoying the cloudy day in Denver, listening to David Gray, and loving on an adorable chocolate lab...

School's out for....I wish summer.

Finally...At 10:50 pm on Friday August 27th, I finished school. What does this mean? No, I haven't graduated yet. I only have three quarters left, one quarter I must go up there, and then I graduate. How weird is that? I was talking with a friend today about me graduating on June 11th, 2005 and I realized that almost three years to the day, I will have completed my first master's degree. Yes, eventually I will go back for a second, if not a ph.d (which according to Ross off of "Friends" is just as valuable as an M.D.) It's so nice to be done. I wrote an 8 page paper tonight, and I'll turn it in tomorrow, but then officially I am done. I'm going to Arlington Park on Sunday (my friend DW is teaching me about race horses and tracks...I can't wait) and then on Wednesday I leave for God's country...COLORADO!! I can't believe it. Vacation is all I ever wanted...a road trip, Denver, three people I love dearly. Who could ask for more? I haven't been to Colorado since 1999, which is a long freakin' time for me. I love that state. I truly believe that one day I will live there, and if I could live there and work for Young Life, that would make me the happy. You know what else would make me happy? A paycheck. No news on the front about a job...as soon as I know, you'll know.

My best friend is running a marathon. I can't even run the block and her desire is to run a marathon, in California, in May. Maybe by that point I could run a 10k or half marathon with her...I just need the motivation to do it. There are lots of areas in my life I need motivation, running is just one of them.

Let's see what else has been happening here? The Olympics are almost over, which means the swimmer (Aaron Peirsol) I have loved watching will no longer be on my TV, but it does mean that it's almost time for the fall season to kickoff. Oh please, Joey, please be decent. Keep the "Friends" franchise going. Oh yeah...I have red hair and I've started the trend to have a blog. I can't believe it. Otherwise, you'll just have to wait for pictures from Denver.

Books I recommend reading...

I love to read...I use to hate it (due to the fact the fact that I was an English major for about 2 minutes and had to read everything under the sun). So, here are some books, both theological and fun to keep in your library...They have changed my life!

How to Read the Bible for All it's Worth by Stuart and Fee
Faces of Forgiveness: Searching for Wholeness and Salvation by F. LeRon Shults and Steven Sandage
The Postfoundationalist Task of Theology by F. LeRon Shults
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
Sacred Romance by John Eldridge
Surrender to Love by David Benner
The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb
Wounded Heart by Dan Allander
The Art of Possibility by Ben Zander and Rosamund Stone Zander
Abba's Child by Brennan Manning
The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen
The Life of the Beloved by Henri Nouwen
Prayer by Richard Foster
Changes that Heal by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Cry of the Soul by Dan Allander and Tremper Longman III
21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell
Developing the Leader Within You by John Maxwell
Developing the Leaders Around You by John Maxwell
The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzero
I know this much is true by Wally Lamb
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire

That should be enough now...let me know if you need more!

Something I am still processing...

Yesterday, I saw Fahrenheit 9/11, the provocative documentary by Michael Moore. Whether you agree with Bush or not, you should definitely see this movie. Waiting for it to come out on DVD would be fine, but I was fortunate enough to see it at the $5 movie theater here in the suburbs. So what, you may ask, did I think of it?

Well, I need to remember that it is only one side of the story. I walked into the theater almost 90% sure I was going to vote against Bush in November. That's something I have been debating with since probably the end of April. I just didn't know if I could put him back in the directors chair again. But now, I don't know if I could vote for either Bush or Kerry. If the connections are true, and the ties run that deep, then no one deserves to have that seat. I definitely don't think I could do any better, but the idea of someone, anyone, plotting in such a way...yikes...

I did, however, walk away with a greater respect of the military system we have established here in the states. I am proud to support them and the work they are doing. I may not agree that it is necessary, but I support the men and women who have left their families because it is part of their job. My family has a huge background in the military (with my grandfather in World War II and my cousin in the first Gulf War, both my uncles and my father in the National Guard, as well as my brother in the National Guard), so I feel like I should thank them for the service they have done because I know that I could never do it.

So, if you read this and don't agree with me, that's fine, I don't know if I agree with everything that Moore placed in his movie. I almost want to see it again. As for November, I'm still deciding to vote. I know I won't vote for Bush, but I don't know if I'll even vote.

What kept me sane up at Bethel...a computer, a water bottle, the internet, and Boulevard Beer. 

What happens up at Bethel, stays at Bethel...

So, I finally made it back from school. No, it didn't take a week to get back, but little did I know that the Willow gods would prevent me from posting on my own blog, so it took a little longer to post than I would like. Now, I am sitting in a Kinko's, using their free internet in order to catch you up on Bethel.

Let's see, what did happen...Theology 3 was good, nothing earth shattering (unlike Theology 1), but still a decent class. I enjoy the adjuct profs. They tend to stray from what the Bethel gods feel like they need to teach on, which is always a nice change of pace. Thanks to internet in class, I was able to catch up with my college roommate, a woman I love dearly and miss, yet even when I am home, I feel like I never get a chance to catch up with. She's wonderful (she's actually the one who encouraged me to cook...thanks Brooklyn). So, she turned me and my dear friend Sara onto the best blog I have ever read. I can only hope that one day, mine could be like her's. Check it out here: http://www.dooce.com/. Trust me, you'll laugh, you'll cry, and if you are anything like Sara and I, you'll want to invite her to a Good Friday here in Chicago. You'll have to ask me about Good Fridays.

Team Leadership, well, it wasn't anything special. I wish I could say something nice, something that I gleaned from the class, yet it's difficult to say. The man is nice, two of the field trips gave me hope for the church and my future applying to them, the other made me want to switch careers quickly. I caught up on my web surfing and had the opportunity to watch U2, which gives me hope that one day I will see them in concert...soon...

Otherwise, when I first arrived there, I was in a sad, lonely, needy spot. This time was different, not because I was new or because my profs were new, but because I was without people I love dearly and who know me deeply. These are people that don't ask me why I am the way I am, but they just let me be. They left, well not left, but graduated and now it is different without them. It was just difficult. I stayed around safe people and didn't really do as much as I thought I would this time. I just didn't have the energy to anything. Grieving is difficult and it just shows me what is to come.

And yes, I did drink Boulevard beer while I was there, and that my friends (along with talks at Old Chicago) was my saving grace.

Oh and by the way, I'm trying to work on my resume...I would love to find a job by the time I graduate in 313 days (not that I am counting down or anything).

Giving up a false self

No real reason for this picture, expect it made me think about relationships and how many of my relationship in the past weren't built on trust, they were built on lies. They were lies coming from me, things I thought I wanted people to believe in, yet could hold no water...it's amazing how the false self can fool everyone, including me... 

Grieving...It never stops

So, over the past two years, I have learned more about how to grieve and how our society doesn't know how to do it. Trust me, I'm still learning how to do it properly. But I'm sitting here in class (that's right I'm at Bethel) and I'm running through a list of things that I am grieving through. It's so hard and yes, some of them are superficial, but I'm grieving through:
1. LeRon Shults, an old theology professor I had...He's fantastic
2. That part of my inner circle isn't here...it's so tough without them
3. That Boulevard Beer isn't sold in Chicago, but is in St. Paul
4. That "I love the 90's" is starting on VH1 and I'm in class


Don't laugh, but they are true...learning how to give up lesser dreams in order to receive better, more fulfilling dreams is never easy but it's worth it...I'll let you know how things are going soon.

A first timer...

So, in order to keep people updated in my life, I knew that I could use this as opposed to regular email. Let me tell you what I hope this site will accomplish:
1. I want to be able to show people what I am learning, not only at my seminary, but through the beautiful people I interact with on a daily basis.

2. I want to share with people great books, quotes, music, etc here. Things that matter to me I hope to share with you.

3. I just want to give you some of my thoughts and my journey. It's only so I can process more clearly on this crazy journey I have been on recently.

Otherwise, this is for you. For you to see a piece into my life and the things that are going on here. I hope you enjoy this page as much as I enjoy writing it.