Sunday, January 08, 2006

If love is a labor, I'll slave till the end



You would have thought that the day had ended in a catastrophic event. One would have looked at me and thought not only had my grandmother had passed away again, but something else happened too.

The one thing I hate about myself is when I cry. I can't cry like a person on tv. I get all red and splotchy. My friend Maria (different one from the one with previous funny post) says she loves when I cry because my eyes become even brighter then they usually are.

I don't know how to explain my current sadness. Nothing from the community changed. Something was ultimately tweaked in me. I don't know if it was my lack of value or the fact that my needs couldn't be meet, but it was hard. My pain overwhelmed me. I felt crushed and abandoned all in the same moment.

Part of my story, is that my opinion hardly mattered growing up. I felt that this weekend. Part of my story is the lack of bonding I did as a child (hence the abandonment issues) and I realized that this weekend as well. I don't know what to say (there are something that are inappropriate to post on the blog) but today I cried hard, I'm sure I'll cry harder tomorrow and hopefully I center down in the Trinity.

The problem with knowing and identifying your shit is that you have to deal with it in some fashion. Even running is a solution, but you recognize it more easily and it's harder to live your life once you know it. These are moments when I wish I didn't know as much of my story as I as did because ignorance is bliss. I realize that behavior modification doesn't work. It never has, it never will.

So what ultimately makes someone change? It has to be desire. Nothing more, nothing less. There has to be something deep within that shows you life can be better, different less confusing and more with a purpose. You see someone else living the life you want and you realize in those moments that you will do almost anything to get it. I saw that 4 years ago in a small woman's eyes as she welled up with tears over her love of Jesus. It was in that moment that I realized that I wanted nothing more than to have that love too. I would do whatever it takes to get it. I would go to the bottom of my desires and see what was really at the end. I would jump off the cliff and fall, hoping that someone or something would catch me.

So, what does this all mean? The pain I am going through now is a result of desire. My desire to connect, to be heard, to be known. My desire to be love and be loved in return. My desire to simply be a part of change, no matter what it cost. It's not easy, it's not fun, but I know that the transformation that happens within me has a greater value than anything else. So if love is a labor, I'll slave to the end...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would love to know what centering in the Trinity means. All of this Radius-speak makes no sense to the layman.

Tiffany said...

"The problem with knowing and identifying your shit is that you have to deal with it in some fashion. Even running is a solution, but you recognize it more easily and it's harder to live your life once you know it. These are moments when I wish I didn't know as much of my story as I as did because ignorance is bliss. I realize that behavior modification doesn't work. It never has, it never will."

Can I just state that we had a very, very similar peak to our days...wow, it never ceases to amaze me how He brings us through completely different things only to help us understand one another more deeply...more on this for you later, but now I'm tired (emotionally and physically) and need a shower!

Eric Boutelle said...

I love reading your posts. It is good to get updates on your process.

I couldn't agree more with your thoughts on dealing with the shit. I think one of the saddest things about church culture and community these days is a complete misunderstanding and application of Grace. We see grace as God loving us in spite of our shit. The truth is God's Grace see's the beauty that is at the center of our humanity and doesn't just love passively in spite of it. He loves aggresively and transformationally, so that we don't have to stay the same. The problem is that we have made grace too small and less then it really is by relegating it to forgiveness. The dream of God is so much bigger.