“You owe it to everyone you love (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world. -- Anonymous

Trust me, my days are incredibly busy.

And finding tranquility is hard to come by. I'm still working the two jobs, still trying not to lose my mind and still trying to find a balance of life.

My friends, my dear beautiful friends, are helping me stay sane, through pizza and beer, shopping, movies and love. I love having them in my life.

But it's not easy to find tranquility when you are accidentally running into a pole because you have so much on your mind.

However, the vacation starts in 9 days...Seattle here I come...and I can't wait.

I once I had a dream about Matthew Perry

He took me to prom...And still think he is hot. And I'm so glad he is back.

I watched the first episode of Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. I loved it. I loved the writing, the acting, the direction, I loved the set...I feel like a piece of "The West Wing" has re-entered my living room.

I can't wait for this season of this show...it's amazing. You need to check it out.

Help me understand how this is easier...

As I was watching tv tonight, I saw an ad for this. I don't quite understand how this is any easier than just creating a double boiler.

I saw two movies this weekend "The Last Kiss" and "Gridiron Gang". "last kiss" is totally worth seeing..."gang" is not.

And, I can't stop playing my Fray cd in my car...I especially can't stop playing this song (mostly because I want it to be true in my own life):

Look After You

If I don't say this now I will surely break
As I'm leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

Oh, oh,
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go
Will you won't you, be the one I always know
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my Baby
I'll look after you
And I'll look after you

If ever there was a doubt
My love she leans into me
This most assuredly counts
She says most assuredly

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhhh
Oh, oh
be my baby
I'll look after you

It's always have and never hold
You've begun to feel like home
What's mine is yours to leave or take
What's mine is yours to make your own

Oh, oh
Be my baby
Ohhhhh
Oh, oh
Be my baby
I'll look after you

yes, you are right, free tickets are the best

picture from my new friend DMBFreakNo41 at flickr:

Yesterday while I was at work, I heard a rumor that the 4 box tickets to the Pepsi Center were available that night. So, I did what any smart person would do...I asked if I could have them. I was the first person to ask, so if I got the tickets, I would get all four.

Unfortunately, someone took 2 of the tickets, but gave me the other 2, as appreciation of all the hard work I've done recently.

That's right, I got 2 free box seats to see Dave Matthews.

It was amazing. My friend Katie and I went together and had a great time. I love spending time with her. It was amazing that I had the opportunity to see Dave...It rocked.

and now, next weekend, J and I get to see Guster in the 7th row. Giddy up...the month of concerts continues.

number 84

I didn't sleep well last night. I had this weird sensation with my brain and was up for about an 1 1/2 hours. Thankfully, I did get back to sleep.

I was up at 7:00 am, trying to prepare for my race. I drank a nalgene of water and ate as much of a Clif Bar that I could. I walked over to BA's at 8:30. She had to remind me to breathe deep and loosen up my arms.

We eventually got to Cheesman Park, checked in and walked around. So many organizations out and supporting this cause. We kicked off at 10:00 am, after watching some gay men doing aerobics at the front of the stage.

I finished the race. I wasn't first, but that wasn't what was important to me. What was important was for me to finish. And I did. I ran a majority of my first 5k and realized that I want to do it again. So, I'm looking for something to run at the end of October. Maybe I'll improve my time.

After showering and sharing the news with my parents, we (BA, the Sheps, Maria, and J) went to the Cricket to celebrate. I cam home and crashed afterward. I awoke from my nap like was drunk...and seriously, I only had one beer at lunch.

I feel so proud of myself. I did something that was on my list of things to do for the last 4 years. And I'm really proud of myself.

So thank you to all my sponsors who helped me raise $300 for the Colorado AIDS Project, to BA who ran/walked ever step with me and got me to relax, and to Beth, Frank, Maria, and J who helped celebrate this accomplishment with me after it was all said and done...

Don't you remember the JC Penny's Catalog?

In the mail today, I received a mini catalog from JC Penny's. I don't shop at Penny's, I have no idea how I ended up on their mailing list.

But as I was reading through it, I realized that one of my favorite memories from my childhood is going to my grandparents house and flipping through the catalog...the BIG catalog.

I would pick out furniture, clothing, toys, everything I wanted when I was older. I felt like I could live in my dream world through that catalog. Laying on the floor, while my grandparents watched their soaps (different from the soaps I watched at the pool a couple of weeks ago), I was able to dream about what I could be like.

I miss those moments of just being a kid where everything was simpler, easier, less complicated.



By the way, the reason I'm home tonight, posting at 8:14 pm isn't because I couldn't go out, I was choosing to stay home in light of my race tomorrow. One more day for you to sponsor me: http://AIDSWalkandRunColorado.kintera.org/mes9193

"do you really think you can change?" "I'm still breathing, aren't I?"

This is a line from Zach Braff's new movie. It feels apropos in my recent days. That change can come in any direction, in any movement. That some changes forces life to change, and while it is sad, and devastating, at the same time, it's what is needed.

Being vague has never been my strong suite...I've always wanted to be the one who says what they mean, speak truth, wanting my voice to be heard. Why hide behind lies, threats, unspoken vibes when the truth can and will set you free.

While my blog doesn't seem fully appropriate to voice some of what's really going through my mind, I know that I know. That my voice is heard amongst the Trinity and they love it. And while there are moments where I share it here, in my community of people who fully love me, who encourage me to listen to my intution, who encourage me to listen to the Trinity.

So, do I really think I can change?

I'm still breathing...

And based upon the last 2 months where I have felt free, more alive, more me, I can only assume that the next year in Denver will allow me to be me...and it's going to be fabulous.

Why my computer is changing my life...

Yesterday, I received my new computer....and I LOVE IT!! While I haven't discovered everything on it yet (like the guitar, I have no idea what it does or if it's something I can't wait to use), I love it. The screen is beautiful, the keyboard is awesome...it changes the way I am on my internet.

So, here's to my new computer...I can't wait to take it for a spin!

Best Labor Day EVER!

On Friday night, we met at Dave and Sara's to take off for probably the last camping trip of the season. The rain was coming down and we hoped it wouldn't rain all weekend. We enjoyed some Taco John's on the way up and then got to our site. Where you ask? Well, we went to Lake Mcconaughy in Nebraska. Did you know that 3 hours away from Denver you can find a kickass beach and a beautiful lake?

Oh my gosh...IT WAS AMAZING!!

Saturday we got up, had a wonderful breakfast and changed into our suits. We headed toward the beach, put up the sand volleyball net and went to town. It was amazing. The sun was out, I took a nap with the beautiful Hayden on my chest. We had lunch on the beach...it was perfect.

Sara, Maria, and I drove into town to get more beer, more ice and soda...it felt good to go into town.

Sunday was equally as fun. Instead of rushing out like we normally do on camping trips, we enjoyed our time. We played in the lake, we played more beach volleyball, we just enjoyed the last day of summer. I finally have the tan I've been wanting all summer long.

Monday involved buying my ski pass (since I bought skis on Friday) and playing some frisbee golf. I was in bed by 8:40 last night because I was exhausted.

This week should be fairly low key. Nothing major, except my run on Sunday. Please sponsor me...you can click here to donate. I'm almost to my goal! The run starts at 10:00 am on Sunday...send me good vibes.

Also, my computer should be here today...I can't wait!

I'M FREAKING OUT!

In the spirit of being honest, I'll simply say this:

Doing two jobs, one I'm totally qualified for and one that I have no idea what I am doing, is causing me to lose my mind.

I've cried today, wondering if I can really handle this. Why I was picked to do this, I have no idea...all I know is that I'm surviving on energy drinks and praying that I won't lose my mind.

So, tonight, I'll play some frisbee golf and go camping this weekend and Sunday night drink because I don't have to work on Monday.

And still I'm freaking out.

An Extravagant Love

I just want congratulate Kim and Matt on their engagement...I'm so happy for them!!

Watching Old School at Midnight....

So I'm taking the risk and posting at work...which obviously means I still don't have my computer at home. Apple keeps saying soon, which isn't soon enough. So until then, I'll fill you in on my weekend.

Friday night I went out to celebrate my co-workers birthday and almost started a bar fight. Almost is an overstatement, but I was in the mood to start one. We went to this great bar called "Garage" where we had free beer and free shots, and I drank way too much, but it was too much fun to pass up on...After the last week/month/year I've had, I deserved a night like this.

Saturday, after a poor decision to get an eyebrow wax after drinking all night, I went to see "Little Miss Sunshine". Beautiful, painful, harsh...I loved it...I want to own it and see it again. And after a 2 hour nap, I headed over to have a BBQ with Dave, Sara, Hayden, Frank, Beth and Maria. As we sat around eating dinner, enjoying each other, laughing, having an intense conversation about reconciliation and what does it mean, we decided that it was appropriate to watch Old School at midnight. Only Dave, Frank and I watched it...it was great...I love sitting around with those people, who allow me to be me, who push me closer to the Trinity and who ultimately love me at my core.

Sunday was spent watching movies and napping and then watching the Emmys. My weekend was beautiful. I loved every moment of it, and have recently realized that I'm enjoying my time more recently.

And this weekend looks just as good...camping Saturday, the pool on Monday...hell yeah!

But you and I, know the reasons why...

Where have I been? Well about 2 weeks ago, my computer crashed, died dead. I'm currently in the apple store attempting to buy my new computer. I can't wait. But since then, I've been without a computer, and I just don't feel right using blogger while I am at work.

What else is new? Well lots. Things have been crazy and hectic, sad, and good. Very, very good. Freedom has been felt for the first time in a year. The type of freedom that makes you breathe deep, look long and hard, and wonder why you ever lost that feeling. I've been searching for this freedom for a year, and finally I've found it. I told my therapist the other day that it feels like I've been released from prison. Food tastes differently, the sky is brighter, my drives on the Frisbee golf range are longer. And I wouldn't trade this freedom for the world. I finally feel like me again.

I got a promotion. I'm now a Sales Assistant at my work. Woo-hoo! A promotion means more responsibility, more money and more wrestling with the question "do I stay or do I go?" I've recover parts of my iPod, but I'm still missing some major stuff (IE: All my Live counting Crows...If I happen to burn you a CD of that, could you resend it to me?)

Otherwise, I've been listening to the soundtrack to "The Last Kiss" and came across this song by Rachel Yamagata...beautiful, deep, and of course, saying what my soul has been saying.

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio
And I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why

Just an FYI...

Until further notice, anonymous comments will be turned off...

Sorry my anonymous friends...I would like to know who you are so I can say thank you...

I think I need a sunrise

Boston (here it here)
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear,
you look so lost,
Your eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
Well you said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains,
oh yeah.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
Oh yeah well
I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise,
I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.
Boston, where no one knows my name.
Thank you Augustana for writing the lyrics to my heart right now...

I realize this will be a mindless post

and I'm okay with that...

I'm addicted to myspace.

It started off slowly...adding a friend here, adding a friend there. However, it's become a full blown addiction.

Case in point, I found my prom date on there today...He lives in Denver. RANDOM!! He was a sophomore, I was a senior....it was actually a good time.

I almost wish I could stop...almost.

I need your grace, to remind me to find my own....

** a caveat to this post: I just helped make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and I feel shame, guilt, responsibility and ultimately in need of grace. That is where this is coming...from a place where only the tears streaming down my face know how to reach....please read the following as a message to myself and to the people I've invested the last year with. Should you need clarification, please email me. If you need to state your judgment, currently I'm not accepting those emails. Please check back later. -- end of caveat

*******************************

I just need to say is I'm sorry...I didn't know what else to say, how else to defend, what else to do. I really just need someone to say this isn't going to end everything I've established in the last year....

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
By Snow Patrol

Damn you Tina Fey

For leaving SNL


This new show you are in that's coming out in the fall better be damn good....

Well, of course the burden is light...

Last night after Beth Anne and I went to dinner, we were driving on Colfax and we passed a group of people. The guy in the front of the group was carrying a cross. Carrying might be an overstatement, considering the fact the cross had a wheel. Well, hell....No wonder the burden is light, you gotta wheel helping you. Come on man....


In other news, I plan on taking 2 naps today. I went to a public pool, and I need to finish cleaning my apartment.

And you need to go the Keg Restaurant (not only because it's named after me). They gave BA and I a free shrimp cocktail...well hell, if you are going to give me free food, I will go back.

it's the little things that I miss...

A few co-workers and I went out for happy hour tonight. As Katie and I waited for the boys to arrive, 2 guys made their way towards us...Blaine and Kelly. It wasn't anything special, however, it was ironic that they ended up sitting next to us at dinner and they got incorporated into our table (and I think a business deal happened).

Besides the point...the point of this blog is that I miss the little things in life...here are just a few...
Being hit on at a bar.
Going to a bar with the potential to be hit on.
A really good laugh.
Spending hours driving between my house in Leawood and her house in Lee's Summit just so we could hang out.
Sitting to discuss real life with her
a really good pedicure
a warm hug
that kiss that makes you remember why you love physical touch
an encouraging word


My therapist is attempting to teach me how to really love myself well (if you have a question regarding why I am in therapy, see the past year's posts, otherwise, email me or keep your mouth shut...I don't want to hear your theology on it). Maybe tonight was a way to love myself well...not that anything happened, nor do I believe that Blaine will call, but I need to remember that I am worth it for some guy...but I could really go for that kiss. ;o)