So, it's the end of the year

I was driving a friend home last night, and I asked her what she was doing for NYE. She mentioned that she was probably going to the mountains and doing a ritual she created last year. She was going to reflect on the year past, and be intentional about what she wanted, what she needed for the upcoming year. While I was already planning on creating a vision board for 2011, being intentional about what I want hadn't really entered my mind.

It's not a lie to think that 2010 was better than 2009. I mean, really, anything was better than 2009. But I know that 2011 is going to be better. I feel it. I know that it will be a big year. That doesn't mean it won't have its heartbreaks, its own frustrations, its own losses. I am aware of that because 2010 had them. I mean, I have 2 friends acquaintances who owe me money from therapy. They hurt me and they hurt me bad, but let's be honest, that's not the point of this post.

So, I'm working on categories to work through, to be intentional about. Finances, Family, Friends, Health, Relationships, Work, Home. Is there something else I am forgetting? I'll try to post about how this goes.

Things that have given me hope over the last few days...

Why regardless is a powerful word (From Jeffery Platts)
◦Regardless of the dumb thing you just blurted out, it doesn’t mean the entire conversation needs to suck.
◦Regardless of what job you might have, the clothes you wear or the car you drive, your soulmate is not going to give a shit about any of that.
◦Regardless of the how ugly you might feel some days, there are at least 7 people who saw you and thought that you were hot.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been single, you can trust that divine and perfect timing has got your back.
◦Regardless of how much debt you might have, your true worth is not in your bank account.
◦Regardless of the donut you just ate, you can always eat an apple next time.
◦Regardless of what the national or global economy is, your personal economy does not have to follow the same path.
◦Regardless of whether the person said or forgot to say, you don’t have to look for reasons to be offended.
◦Regardless of how unimportant you might feel, you always have an impact; the Universe would not have put you here if you weren’t important.
◦Regardless of whether one particular date goes well, finding a loving, sexy, soul-level connection with your ideal partner is inevitable.
◦Regardless of your circumstances, you have the resourcefulness to change things for the better.
◦Regardless of what someone says about you, your own opinion of yourself trumps all others.
◦Regardless of the cold and rainy day, you don’t need to be in a low mood.
◦Regardless of what you are currently feeling, all emotions are temporary.
◦Regardless of how much you weigh or how ill you may feel, health and vitality are possible.
◦Regardless of how alone you may feel, others really do care about you.
◦Regardless of how your parents treated you, you can thrive in this life.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been feeling lost and confused, clarity is just around the corner.
◦Regardless of how perfect someone else’s life may seem, they have insecurities and challenges just like you.
◦Regardless how how much “baggage” you think you might have, you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE.
◦Regardless of how many times you’ve tried and failed, if you’re still breathing, you can keep going.
◦Regardless of how many closed doors you’ve encountered, there is always another one that CAN be opened.
◦Regardless how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you can still choose to live with an open heart.
◦Regardless of what teachers, parents, friends or your own mind may tell you, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

a declaration of deserving (from the White Hot Truth):
You are worthy of your desires. Really wanting what you want gives you the power to get it. You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.) You are worthy of love and respect. Lovable.

You deserve
: eye contact
: smiles in the morning
: food made with pure intention
: clean drinking water, fresh air
: Hello, Please, Thank you.
: time to think about it
: a chance to show them what you're made of
: a second chance
: an education
: health care, including dental
: multiple orgasms
: weekends and the summer off
: 8 hours of sleep
: play before work
: to change your mind
: to say no
: to say yes
: to have your deepest needs met
: to be seen
: to be loved for what is seen.

You deserve all this just because you showed up.
Yep, you're that monumental.

According to Bell Biv Devoe, I should not be trusted

Recently, Marie Claire gave the okay to publish a blog entitled "Should fatties get a room?". The author mentioned that watching 2 overweight people kiss gives her the shivers and that they should not find love or for that matter, make love.

I won't lie and most of my readers know this about me anyways. I have struggled with my weight since I was in middle school. I have never been skinny. And living in a part of Kansas City where perfection was expected was hard. I lived in a real Beverly Hills, 90120. My clothing has always been in the double digits. My lowest weight wasn't due to healthy eating and exercise. It was due to being on fen-phen. I eat when I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am upset. I know that I am an emotional eater. I also know that I love a good cheeseburger.

It was last year, when in the midst of losing my job and gaining about 15 pounds that I finally started to give myself grace. I liked myself. I have curves, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very good. And it took one comment from someone I love to take that all away. All the forward progression I had made was now in one giant leap backwards because I wasn't thin enough for their expectations.

People like the author of the Marie Claire article think that they can get away with bullying. That these are just sentences in a blog that no one will really pay attention to. Unfortunately for Ms. Kelly, she is now in heated waters over bullying a majority of the population. She's probably right in her "apology" that she wrote this piece out of a place of hatred that she towards her own body. However, while a society continues to deem that you be "perfect" and "skinny", her article only continues to fuel the fire of poor self-image amongst our population.

Take it from me. I know what it's like to have a poor self-image. I'm working on it. One day I'll actually like myself. Until then, I focus on the few things I do like about myself. It's a long, hard road, and eventually, I'll get there.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -- John Quincy Adams

I've always been inspired by people who do amazing things. Even those who do little things that they think people don't notice. The person who gives up their seat on the bus, or the person who pays for the coffee of the person behind them...these people inspire me. And often times, I don't know these people.

However, recently I've become inspired by two friends. My friend Kacee is training for a marathon. It's almost a month away and while reading her story, I am moved. I am moved by what she is learning about herself, about the depth of her character, the woman she is shaping into by running crazy amounts. Her stories (you can read it about here) are showing me what perseverance, truth, and grace are all about. And while I might not sign up for a marathon, it is showing me what taking on a big challenge can do for a person.

My other friends, M & M have a story that you would only hear about on a Lifetime movie. One would think, "this would never happen to people I know". But it is. Their story, about adoption, about not letting go, about unsettled decisions after 2 years, makes me cry about every time I read one of their blog updates. Unfortunately, due to the privacy of their court dates, I cannot share their blog. And hopefully after tomorrow, they will have some resolution in their life.

I think I would have given up a while ago in both of these stories. Told myself that I can't/couldn't do it. That it would be easier to just quit and give up instead of pushing through. I am forever grateful to have their stories in my life. As a reminder of what people can do when they are pushed to the limit. I'm just grateful I have role models like this in my life.

It has been 10 years and it has been 5 years

My grandparents were married in April of 1942. My grandfather, a retired Brig. General in the Louisiana National Guard; my grandmother a strong woman and deeply cared about her family. My summers were spent with them in New Orleans, watching Days of Our Lives. Our holidays were spent in New Orleans, around the Christmas tree. With 3 sons and 9 grandchildren, the house was always filled with laughter.

In June 0f 2000, I was preparing to leave for a stint with a summer camp in North Carolina. I was driving down 95th Street in Overland Park, Kansas when I got the phone call. My grandfather had passed away. I sobbed at a stop light. In a flash, we had to get packed and fly to New Orleans. I flew down, not knowing if I would still be going to North Carolina, but packed for it anyways. One night, before the funeral, my dad came into where I was staying and said that I needed to go to camp. That my Papa would want me to go. I never heard the 21 gun salute at my grandfather's funeral, but I still remember the wake.

In August 2010, my grandmother's health was failing. She had suffered a stroke in January and she never fully recovered. I had just started a new temping job with a bank (the job I would eventually hold for 3 years) and received a phone call that within the next few days, my grandmother would probably pass away. On the 22nd of August, as I was walking around the mall, looking for something to wear to a funeral, I got the phone call. Again, I packed, getting ready to fly down and back for her funeral. Unlike my grandfather, the woman in the casket was not my Grammy. Her weight had dropped drastically and her hands were so tight.

It's been 1o years since I loss my Papa; it's been 5 years since I loss my Grammy. And in case you have been living under a rock for the last 5 years, it has also been 5 years since Hurricane Katrina. The constant reminder of what New Orleans has become is a ping in my soul of what happened 3 days before Katrina struck. I stood in the hot sun and watched as they put her casket in the tomb...sometimes, you never forget details like that.

Because this is the eve of my Grammy's death, my soul is hurting. I miss my grandparents. I miss my family, I miss what New Orleans held for me and what it will always mean to me. I miss...

Eat, Pray, STFU

I read Eat, Pray, Love when it came out. Was it the the best book I've ever read? Definitely not. Was it a good summer read? Sure, pretty quick and easy.

However, when I was finished, I was pissed.

I wasn't pissed at the book. Nothing in it could have made me angry. What I was angry about had everything to do with the fact that I wasn't living this type of life. I wanted to take a year off (and somehow still be able to financially pay for life) and recapture my essence. I wanted to take off to France, not Italy and fall in love with delicious foods. I wanted to go to Kenya to reconnect with my soul. I wanted to go some place exotic and feel the sand beneath my feet and fall madly in love.

Why the hell couldn't I too have this type of life?

And now that the movie is coming out, I'm feeling that angst again. I know I should be so dramatic. That I lead a life that someone is jealous of (ha).

Let me know, how to do you create a continual sense of understanding about yourself, if you aren't able to travel to exotic lands...I'd love any advice I can get.

Let's get you back to Kenya

I've started therapy again. It's been two years since the last time. The last time focused around the trauma that was Radius. This time, well, we are focusing more on me.

I will not go into details, about why I am going, what we are discussing. Only a few people know those details.

However last night, we were talking about the three major things I wanted to work on through therapy. The last one has to deal with my job. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my co-workers. But, at the end of the day, I still realize this isn't what I am suppose to be doing. And as I speak with my therapist, it is a constant reminder that I know what I should be doing with my life.

She ended last night with "well, let's get you back to Kenya." Out of everything we talked about yesterday, this is what is still sitting with me.

I sit and question what does it look like for me to get back to Kenya, without literally going. How do I do what I know I'm suppose to be doing, from Denver, or even the states?

Let's get you back to Kenya. The one place in recent history where I felt totally alive, totally me, totally centered.

Let's get you back to Kenya...heavy words to consider.

Today...

FYI, after today, this will be featured on the side of this blog...

1. The fact that the commercial I'm listening to just mentioned motorboating
2. $25 pedicures
3. Lounging by the pool
4. Sweet Tea
5. Relaxing Sunday afternoons
   

Today I am grateful for

This is for yesterday and today...

1. Sushi
2. Photography
3. Kindness of Strangers
4. Autozone
5. Creative gifts
6. Tennis lessons
7. Good parking karma
8. Roadside Assistance
9. Family Guy
10. Twitter people who want to help me date better
    

Today I'm grateful for...

1. Roadside Assistance
2. whole wheat english muffins and honey
3. Finding a new therapist
4. AC
5. Snickers Ice Cream Bars

Today I am grateful for...

1. wine with a fantastic friend
2. chipotle shrimp tacos
3. perfect Colorado weather
4. Don't Stop Believin' by Journey
5. Happy Hour glasses of wine
   

The grateful project

I've been struggling recently, mostly with my own envy issues. Envy is my deadly sin, if I had to give myself one. I know, deeply, that this has something to do with my entitlement issues. My friends, family members, even strangers all have something that I want and that I feel like I should have.

It's often hard for me to look at my own life and see the beauty that is there. It's hard to see that there are aspects of my life that I should be grateful for, that other people are envious of. So, my friend today challenged me. I had challenged her a few months back to take a few moments, every day, to come up with 5 things she was grateful for. In turn, she has asked me to do the same thing. The easiest place for me to do this is on my blog. Some place, where I can eventually look back and see, here are the things I should be grateful for. So, here goes nothing...

June 22, 2010 -- Today, I am grateful for:

1. A company that allows me to bring my dog to work
2. Beautiful, honest girlfriends who have loved me, some for years, some for only short months, but who I know I cannot be without
3. My eye mask that I sleep with at night
4. Dr. Pepper
5. My really comfy couch

An update to my goals

Let's review what my goals were:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday.
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month grade
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo
12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be

Goals I have completed:
Number 3 (I leave for California next week)
Number 4 (I'm a reading machine!)
Number 5 (Knitting is so fun!)
Number 6 (Trust me, if you aren't doing this already, START! It's a life saver)
Number 7 (Tennis lessons start June 7)
Number 9 (We are staying overnight in Los Angeles after the Flight of the Conchords concert)

50%! Can you believe it?! I don't think I've ever been this motivated to accomplish my goals. I've already added another one to the list (you'll learn about it soon, I promise). Here's the crazy thing: I fully believe that I will accomplish this entire list before the year is over. I believe that everything is completely doable. And I've already started working on my list for 31. And the first thing on it is a doozy.

I feel very proud of myself and I can't wait to see how the rest of them go.

Remeber that time I took dating on with a vengance...

Thanks to the dating optimist, I've gotten some help with what I want in a relationship. You can read about it here: http://bit.ly/cXWs1Q

This is like my own version of being famous!

grabbing life, well, by the balls

In recent days, I've been depressed. In light of ending things with the guy I was seeing for the last 6 months (which, I guess, was a good thing), I fell back into a state of what's the point. But within the last few days, I've decided to become proactive on my life. I had begun to feel complacent and angry and bitter. I don't like feeling any of those things, so I've decided to take charge.

I started knitting lessons. Yes, knitting. My inner-grandmother loves it. And in reality, I love it too. It calms my mind and allows me to just be. Just being is something I struggle with. I constantly need to be doing something. Knitting helps remind me to breathe and drop my shoulders.

The other thing I've done is signed up for a tennis league. I played in high school (a random fact you all might not know about me) but I haven't picked up a racquet since then. But I've wanted to relearn. I live across the street to 6 courts and I'm jealous of those people playing. Plus, I want to become more active and meet more people (and by people, I mean cute boys). This league gives lessons and then you play doubles. It seems ideal. So, come Monday nights, I'll be playing.

I've also signed up for a beer and cheese tasting. Two things I love: beer and cheese.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care if others join me. I want to do what I want to do. I want to not look back and be regretful that I haven't more things.

So, here goes nothing. Actually, here's to grabbing life by the balls.

I can't believe I'm confessing to this

On Sunday afternoon, I sat at lunch with 7 girlfriends. One mentioned she had tried out a church in her neighborhood for when her mom came into town for Mother's Day.

Immediately, the pangs in my soul struck. It's no lie that I don't go to church any more. The last time I was in a church was for a friend's wedding in September. And technically, that doesn't count. So, the last time I actually went to a service was when my best friend was in town over a year ago. It's just not a part of my life. And after my experience, I don't know when I'll feel comfortable going again. The thought alone just doesn't excite me.

She mentioned how caring this place seemed, how warm and welcoming it was. She spoke about how she felt comfortable she was and how she was excited to go back.

Warmth. Loving. Community-centered. These are things I had hoped to find in a church. These are things I've always loved about the Church. And for a split second, I almost missed the Church. I missed the body I knew to be in Axis and Summit. I missed the hope I had in Radius and what I saw in Jacob's Well. I thought about my small group back at Willow and the love, support, strength I received from it and my soul missed that aspect of the Church.

My faith has changed so much in the last 5 years. I think the pastor I was when I started at Willow and who I am today wouldn't recognize each other. I have grace for where I am and am okay with what I stand for. And for a split second, I realized I missed what I knew the Church could be. However, it was like a breath. I missed it and then it was done. Because I know community can be outside of the church. And what I have right now, the community I have, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I'm not so sure...

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

Why won't you go to the store?

I'm sick. I hate being sick. Mostly because I have no one who will let me lay (or is it lie?) with my head in their lap, and stroke my hair.

Nor do I have anyone who will go to the store for me.

Here's what I want when I am sick:
7-Up, not Sprite. There is a big difference
Something to eat other than soup -- preferably green jello and cool whip (yes, you do need to click on the link)

I've asked my dog multiple times to go to the store for me. Damn it, dog. You've been napping since 10 am. Get your ass to the store. This relationship is really about what I can do for you, not what you can do for me. There is no mutual sharing in this relationship.

You know who would go to the store for me, Lassie.

Ugh...I guess I'll go to the store.

Less than 2 weeks away

By this point in 2 weeks, I will have turned 30. I will have celebrated with my girlfriends in Denver over dinner and will be getting ready for 3 friends to come in to celebrate with me that weekend. I'm really looking forward to that part; the whole actually admitting that I'm 30, well, that's a different story.

I had started out the year with 12 goals. With the year being 3 months in and my birthday being less than 2 weeks away, here's my grades currently:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday current grade: D- I have taken some strides but not enough. Plans are being set for this to change here shortly.


2. Live within a budget for 12 months grade: C. I did decent the first month and a half. However, I need to get back on track. I am doing much better than I was, that's for damn sure.

3. Go on a vacation grade: C. I haven't planned anything, nor have I made any plans. Hopefully that will change soon.

4. Read at least 1 book a month grade: A+ What I have read: The Lost Symbol and The Help. What I am currently reading: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match

5. Take a class on a new skill grade: B- I've signed up for a knitting class starting in April :)

6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded grade: A+++ seriously, I realize now that this is a blessing and so much better for my spirit. Also, having a roommate has help.

7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis) grade: F I haven't made any decisions on this.

8. Turn off the tv for a month grade: B I have decided that June is my month and we'll see how it goes.

9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together) grade: F She and I haven't even spoken about it.

10. Climb a 14'ner next summer grade: B- I have spoken to my friend J about it and she's willing to help, so that's a step in the right direction

11. Finally get my tattoo. grade: D- I still have no idea what I would get, where I could get it (I'm not getting a tramp stamp) and when I would get it.

12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be grade: C- I'm getting better with this, however, I still have moments (almost daily) where I struggle with my expectation management. But, like I said, it's getting better....

Less than 2 weeks...here goes nothing...

60 days and counting...

It's not shocking that I'm struggling with my impending birthday (now only 60 days away). I think it really comes down to expectations. My expectation on where I would be when I turned 30 are drastically different than where I am today.

My friends J and K always remind me that my life is really good, that I've accomplished so much before my 30th. Why wouldn't I sit in that and realize they are correct? I own my home, I have a job, a master's degree, fantastic friends, a dog. I've traveled to Kenya, I've found my spirit, I've embraced my personhood (to some degree). I know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what pisses me off...seriously, most people never find this out. So why am I not grateful?

Again, it's expectations. I expected that I would be married, with children in the home that I own. I expected to be using my master's degree and now it's a distant memory of who I use to be. I expected to be in a career, not a job. I expected to be settled. And not in the sense that this is the best it's ever going to get, but assured.

What I know to be true is that while things appear to be going well, deep down, I know they are not. I know that the man I want to be with does not want me in that capacity. I know that my fear of ending up like Bridget Jones where I have died alone in my house and I'm being eaten by dogs is very true. I know that I fear losing my job again and being forced to sell my home. That I may never get a master's degree in something I believe in. That I may never join the Peace Corps.

Truthfully, I'm living a life of fear. And it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting therapy again in February in hopes that I can resolve myself and can embrace the beautiful life I do have...until then, I question how I got here and if I can change it in 60 days.

Good bye 2009, Hello 2010

There comes a point in your life when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink, and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious… a grown up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy


I don't think I need to recap how 2009 was. If you need a reflection, see either this entry or this entry or this entry. I've never been so ready for a year to end. And yes, I know I will be stronger because of this year (when God shuts a door, he opens a window...so there is something to jump out of). I'm just going to embrace 2010 and see where it takes me...

Seeing how we have 73 days left till my 30th, I'm trying to make 2010 a year that reflects accomplishments. I'm attempting to live within my means, take myself seriously, and know that I will welcome 30 with an open hug as opposed to a swift kick in the ass.

So, I wrote out 15 things I want to accomplish this year. They might seem small, but to me they are big things.

I do need to figure out the last three. I'm taking suggestions, please help!

15 things to accomplish in my 30th year.
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo.
12.
13.
14.
15. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be