I stop and feel my feet on the floor

This month, might be a crazy one.

There is so much going on that I'm having to remember that my feet are on the floor.

Case and point, I'm moving in 30 days. Which is always a good and bad thing. Moving causes me to stress out, clean out, do things I need to do. And I'm so ready to be done with my neighborhood...it's hard walking down the street with the constant fear of running into someone who has ill feelings towards you.

Oh, and there are work things I can't talk about yet.

And I'm going to Mardi Gras next weekend, which again is both a fun and stressful event. I hoping it will be more fun than anything.

and I'm still trying to raise money for Kenya.

And it's f-ing cold and snowing again in Denver.

So as I remember that my feet are on the floor, and that this is the delightful terror that I know will push me closer to the Trinity, it's my hope that I don't get overwhelmed and not remember where I am going or how I got there.

A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. -- Magaret Mead

The first time I saw this video, I realized how much I wanted to be a change agent in the world...wouldn't you want to change it too?

a reminder of truth...

"My existential journey involved struggling with this quote from Thomas Merton: "Why should I desire anything that cannot give me God, and why should I fear anything that cannot take God away from me?" This led me into an experience of "unknowing" that liberated me from an unhealthy desire to control my relation to God through propositions and an unhealthy fear of admitting that my understanding of God would always need to be reformed and reforming."
--F. LeRon Shults

"They're only gonna tell you all the bad things I've done"

I've gotten angry the last couple of days. Not in anyone in particular, but at situations on the whole.

Frustration is ever increasing the more and more I realize that people are biased. They only want the side of the story that keeps them safe and protected. Without engaging the other aspects, they are allowed to spread the hate and lies, which aren't true.

"Even if they words they say aren't true they've won,"

I don't have a lot of patience for people who make fear based decisions. I wish people would choose decisions that caused them to move. I wish people wouldn't hide when things get hard or when they didn't go their way.

I thought about a friendship I had last year. She and I use to be friends. I pinpointed the time when our friendship fell apart. I wish in that moment she would have just said what she needed to say instead of being passive aggressive and shutting me out of her life. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I know I could approach the anger, the people, the situations, but if there is no movement, no regret, no sorrow from the other side, is it really worth it to put myself out there?

*lyrics from Augustana's song "Stars and Boulevards"

It's amazing how...

One piece of real mail will almost make a person throw up....

WHY????????

It's always strange when you see a person's twin...

In college, I was in love with Jordan. I can say this freely, without any shame because it's true. I met Jordan through my youth group, when he was a junior at K-State and I was going to be a senior at BVN. I would say we were very close friends, he made me laugh, surprised me at my graduation, taught me how to swing dance, etc.

There are times when I miss his friendship. He had meant the world to me at one point.

Anyways, as I was sitting here at work today, his twin walked in. I couldn't believe it at first because I thought it was him walking in the door. I almost started to cry...and then I realized this guy was significantly shorter than Jordan so it couldn't have been him.

But there are moments when I wish it was...becasue sometimes I wish our friendship was still the same.

I often wonder why...

These just happen to run through my head today:

I'm really grateful for my friends who will come over to help me set up wifi so I can email/blog from bed.

I'm extremely grateful to iTunes for reissuing my purchased music that I lost this summer...now I need an external hard drive to back it up

I'm in need of mental health day.

I'm actually ecstatic that my dad is coming into town for Saturday.

I loved the weather today...this is the Colorado I remember

That I am extremely sad over 2 friends

That in the midst of pain, love flourishes.

And that I am ready to move onto this next chapter of my life.

why doesn't someone write this book...

let's say you have a friend, that you were (what you thought) close to and then realized that your friendship no longer existed.

What the hell are you suppose to do when it comes time for their birthday?

More of a question for the universe, not one I am really looking for an answer.

Sometimes, there are no words...

As I reflect over my busy weekend, I'm struck by one thing...how many times I received my "love letter from the Lord". It's a phrase my dear friend Sara uses to explain to little things that you get in your day that just make your day better. Mine often come in the form of great parking spaces on my street or an email from a friend. Recently, they have come through generous donations to my trip to Kenya.

On Friday, I spent time with friends, laughing over beers, playing shuffle board and then went to Sara's house where we watched the Real World Denver and just hung out. Saturday I went to the mall to get some things and ended up at a concert that night. J and I had dinner and then went to see Augustana at the Gothic. It was awesome, even the part where I got picked up by some random guy from Boise, ID who works in Iraq. Sunday, we all sat around in the morning, having honest conversations and then the girls and I went to look for a condo for me.

So where were my love letters? It was in the time I got one-on-one with Sara, just laughing and talking on her couch, it was in the random guy who picked me up, it was in hearing "Boston" played live and feeling the transformation I've experienced in my life since I heard it the first time, and it was in possibly finding my new home.

Sometimes, words can't express the feeling of gratitude that comes with time. Sometimes, the words you want to say aren't there but the sense of growth, love and truth are there and you can move forward. And when those words fail, it's easy to know that the people around you will continue to show you those little love letters from the Lord.

a weekend of rest and relaxation

*sigh...

I think I've needed this. After the long and hard week I had (working a full week after 3 weeks of not, is tough), I needed a weekend of relaxation and rest.

Friday, I spent it with friends, over dinner, over drinks, laughing and just being...having that space is vital.

Saturday, my friend Sara and I went to get spray tans (easy and super fun), had lunch and then I took a nap. Saturday night, BA and I went to see the Mammoth play. I forget so easily how much fun those games are....

Sunday was spent with my community, asking hard questions, sitting in the midst of the questions and then watching the beautiful Hayden.

and now, I'm listening to NPR, drinking coffee, using a free wifi, and getting ready for a massage. I'm going to look for a couch and then I'll probably take a nap.

To have a weekend where my biggest concern wasn't where I had to be or what I needed to do perhaps was the greatest gift I've given myself in a while...

rec·on·cil·i·a·tion

1. an act of reconciling or the state of being reconciled.
2. the process of making consistent or compatible.

In light of the last year, reconciliation has become something I wonder about. Is it still happening in the world today? Is it possible for 20 people in Denver? Could it happen within the next few months?

I desperately want the reconciliation in my life. I want the hard conversations. I want to be in a room of people know that we've talked it out, we've decided to be consistent, we've realized what has happened, and have communicated the past, present and future. However, until the other side decides to move towards a willing converssation, and is willing to accept the fact that they have caused pain, is reconciliation really worth it?

I am more than willing to sit in a conversation, own what I need to, but until I see movement, desire to be honest, and grief for the pain the other party has caused, I'm not willing to believe that reconciliation will work in my life.

I know small steps are happening by a variety of people. Phone calls, cups of coffee, emails, but then I think about me and the two people I would want to reconcile with. I'm not asking for the friendship back (and to be honest in this moment I don't know if we were ever truly friends). What I do want is the peace of mind that I could pass these two on the street and know that they aren't thinking of all the ways that they hate me. What I do want is the peace of mind to know that the pain we've each caused was out of perserving the good we had.

So, I am willing and able, but when I have to make decisions like "me being in the room isn't loving that person well because of other people in the room", isn't it time to have the hard conversation?

why I believe in honesty

Why I believe in honesty has nothing to do with the fact that I believe in fairness.

And perhaps, I am an eternal optimist.

I believe that every person deserves the truth. That every person has the right to know why things are happening to them.

A friend bails out of a friendship for no reason what so ever. Maybe they just out grew each other. Perhaps it has something to do with the other person, but for the hell of it, don't you think the other person has the right to know?

A significant (or insignificant) other decides that they need out. Maybe they fell in love with someone else. Maybe the other person has weird habits (like drinking 3 beers like water or quotes too many movies), but come on, be the bigger person and tell them why you really want out.

Trust me, they can handle it.

Having an honest conversation does not always lead to being alone. What it does lead to is a place where someone can sleep at night because they know the real reasons why a friend, a significant other, a business partner has left the relationship.

So, why are we fearful to have those honest conversations? Because we can't control what the other person will say or do in the moment. And a lack of control always, always freaks people out.

Try it...try for once in your life to be honest...see what can happen...cause I'm sick and tired of dealing with people who refuse to be honest.

This is almost sadistic

It's snowing...AGAIN in Denver.

Another 4-8 inches today.

And they expecting another storm next week, another big one...one with like 12-24 inches.

I'm a little over the snow...and finally the mountains are getting some, which means the ski conditions are finally good.

But for the love of God, make it stop snowing!!

Living in Colorado has its advantages

One of those being the fact that random people visit here. People you haven't seen in years, all of the sudden realize you are in Colorado and want to see you.

Case in point is Wes. Wes and I met in high school, through Ichthus at my church. Wes was my homecoming date my sophomore year and a great friend there after. Wes and I took many different trips together (this includes driving from KC to Mexico and multiple ski trips to Colorado).

I don't think I've seen Wes since 1999. I believe the last time I saw him, he was trying to convince me to stay at the above mentioned church when I was really ready to leave. I could be wrong about that.

Wes is in town on business and tonight we are getting together for a drink. I'm not really nervous, but I'm a little interested to see where 9 years has brought us. And what the hell will we talk about (I know, the typical, what are you doing with your life, why are you in Denver, etc)?

So, here's to starting the year off with random friends...and to whatever that brings with it.

it pays not to wash your car...

So, as I left work tonight, I was at the light of Speer (1st) and University, waiting to make a left hand turn. When suddenly, I felt my car move.

That's right, because I was in the far right lane of the turning lane, a van decided it would be appropriate (which I agree with) to go around me. However, they were too wide to fit through and totally brushed up against my car.

I WAS PISSED!!

I got out of my car and ran up to the woman's van. I banged on her window and told her she hit my car. She asked if there was any damage. When I said I don't know and ran back to check on it, SHE TOOK OFF!

DOUBLY PISSED!

You have go to be kidding me. She turned south on University and I could never catch up with her. Thankfully, due to the layers of snow removal crap (which isn't salt) my car wasn't damaged.

But still, one never leaves a scene of an accident. So to the woman who hit my car, just remember, what goes around comes around...curses to you!!

Do the (RED) thing

My friend Frank wrote recently on how the (RED) manifesto might actually be something that could change the world.

The (RED) manifesto states, in not so many words, that if you buy a (RED) product, you are in fact helping the AIDS pandemic in Africa. And who wouldn't want to help stop that?

I received a (RED) razor for Christmas, in part because I needed a new phone, and in part for my trip to Kenya. I don't know what is being stirred in me, but I want to help this pandemic. I believe that we could change the world if we saved Africa (and I don't me the evangelical Christian definition of saved either).

So, what can you do? You can buy a (RED) product, you can support me on my trip to Kenya, and ultimately, you can figure out how save the Continent of Africa before it's gone.

Buy (RED).

And a happy new year to you...

2007...I can't believe it. But if last night was any indication on the new year will be, I'm pretty damn excited about it.

A few friends and I spent the evening at Jen's apartment, eating good food, laughing, listening to music. I thought it was the perfect way to spend the evening. But the most beautiful thing about the evening wasn't the music or the food, it was the fact that everyone had a deep, intimate conversation. Not all of us together, but a lot of one-on-ones, and it was beautiful. To sit in a room and be known, it was what I imagined life could be like.

Today has been a wasted day. I had intended on going into the office to get some work done (I feel behind) but then I realized I much rather just work late tomorrow then go in today. Again, it's a 4 day week...It's been a while since I've actually worked all 5 days (thanks to the snow, and the major cold I had).

And tonight I'm off to see this movie...and then tomorrow back to the daily grind...I'm actually really ready to be back at work, I just wish I knew what work held.