a reflection back

In October of 2005, I posted about a song (typical me). Today I pulled out that song again and listened to it for the first time in a while...since this summer.

In reflecting back, I couldn't figure it out what it meant to my soul, no more than I could today. However, today it seemed to make more sense of what I was going through then.

come pick me up by ryan adams

When they call your name

Will you walk right up

With a smile on your face

Or will you cower in fear

In your favorite sweater

With an old love letter

I wish you would

I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends

They're all full of shit

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

When you're walking downtown

Do you wish I was there

Do you wish it was me

With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes

Do they all look like mine

You know you could I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends behind my back

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed

So I could make up my mind

Try it for sleeping instead

Maybe you'll rest sometime

I wish I could

hmm...means so much more, so much deeper than I realized only a year ago...

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

YAHOO!! My celebrity boyfriend is back starting tonight...Scrubs starts tonight at 9:00 PM EST. You know, as much as I thank God for the model train, I am also now grateful for the VCR...without it, I'd miss Grey's and that's just not going to happen.

my prayer on this cold night...

The shackles are undone
The bullets quit the gun
The heat that's in the sun
Will keep us when there's none
The rule has been disproved
The stone it has been moved
The grave is now a groove
All debts are removed

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Love makes strange enemies
Makes love where love may please
The soul and its striptease
Hate brought to its knees
The sky over our head
We can reach it from our bed
You let me in your heart
And out of my head, head…

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Please don't ever let me out of you

I've got no shame, oh no, oh no

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's doing to me?

I know I hurt you and I made you cry
Did everything but murder you and I
But love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize
To every broken heart
For every heart that cries
Love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize

This is U2's new song off of their latest cd. I want nothing more than for this to be my prayer for the next week, month, year...because I want everyone to know what love has done to the..especially in the last four months.

So, thank you Love for what you have done to me, because without You, I think I would have check myself into the hosptial worried that I was absolutely crazy.

To CNN/Headline News Producers

*I noticed this when I was up at 4:00 am and couldn't fall asleep...

At no point is it appropriate to use the song "Step by Step" by the late 80's/early 90's band New Kids on the Block to exit out of the news....NEVER!

perhaps, this is the beginning of feeling healed

This Sunday started off like any typical Sunday. I got up, I had breakfast, I went shopping with my friend Sara, I bought the really fun shoes, and then I came home.

And then perhaps the most unexpected thing happened. I walked back into a church. I didn't know anyone there besides Sara and Ethan. However, it felt natural, warm and hopeful.

I didn't feel out of place, I didn't walk in with a huge chip on my shoulder, I didn't walk in questioning how they were going to screw me over.

In an odd way, I felt like I was home. It reminded me of Jacob's Well in Kansas City, it reminded me of the intimate moments at Axis. It reminded me of good it felt to be connected to a larger body of people. And it was beautiful...

Perhaps you don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water...perhaps there is a middle ground where I can have my community and a larger group to be connected with...and perhaps this is what it feels like to be healed...

I kinda like it.

...the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you. -- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Yes, I am now just getting home from Thanksgiving dinner. And what a wonderful Thanksgiving it was. After spending the day with the Shepherd/Simpson family, I'm realizing how much I have to be grateful for.

And while I don't feel it is necessary to tell you each and everything I am grateful for, what I am most grateful for in this moment is cathartic conversations. You know, those conversations that after you are done having you feel more centered, more alive, more you. What I realized as I looked around the room after all the parents, grandmothers, aunts and uncles had left was that my life has truly been blessed in the last 4 months. To have the space to process, hear, cry, laugh, and release is precious, something often taken for granted and walked on without blinking an eye.

So to Beth and Frank for opening up their house, for their tears, and for their words, to Jen for your wisdom, to Maria for seeking to understand and Kathy for giving words of freedom, I thank you for perhaps what might be one of the best Thanksgivings I have ever had.

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach ~
Simple Abundance

See that fancy blue box

You might be curious to why the blue box is there.

Perhaps you don't care...either way, I'm going to tell you about it.

In order to raise some money for my trip to Kenya (don't worry, you'll start hearing about this soon enough), I've decided to ad AdSense to my blog. Perhaps when you use that blue little box some extra cash will be coming my way. And if push comes to shove and it doesn't work, that's fine too. Bri and I are brainstorming like crazy to figure out ways to fund raise for this trip.

Until then, please use it...help me out...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you can be a part of it (even you random people in India)

the things we will do for beauty

Our company holiday party is coming up soon. In order to look my best, I have bought a new dress...one that can be worn for this event as well as New Years Eve (I think for the first time in 3 years I'll actually be able to dress up and now that I know my fashion sense more than I did then, I'm willing to do some things over the top).

I want to look stunning for my party. Shallow, probably, but it's to prove to someone that it was their loss that they didn't grow a pair and make a move. So the dress is on its way here. Hopefully it will be here on Monday.

Here's the deal, it's a simple black dress...a cute little ruffle at the bottom, but now I need the shoes that state that I am a hottie that shouldn't be overlooked...

Do you think that these express that?

Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion. -- Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

I was struck by something tonight...something that has been in the works for over 3 months, but it struck me like a ton of bricks.

The life I lead now looks completely different from the life I lead one year ago... A majority of the friends I had a year ago have discarded me like a song you play too many times. I was stuck in a job that felt crushing, too easy, and had a lack of purpose. I was desperate for anyone to recognize me outside (and inside) of the community I had come so far to be a part of.

There are questions I'm dying to answer to...what happened? At what point did I become the person that people hated the most? At what point did my job change and at what point did I open myself up to some great friends that I had missed?

And while my life looks drastically different, here's what I know now to be true.

I chose out and by choosing out, I now have beautiful friends, who ask great questions, who push me closer to the Trinity in ways I haven't experienced in a year. I actually enjoy my job most of the time. I have found a place where my opinion matters, where I have earned the nickname the hammer, and where my superiors want to know what I think. I actually enjoy the people I work with, who have become friends outside of 8-5, Monday through Friday.

I am leading a wonderful life...and as much confusion I have over the last year of my life, I am grateful for it because it has opened my eyes to things I know now to be true, about me, about my life, about grace, about truth, and above all...love.

Finally, someone recognized what I was doing...

I sat in a meeting today with the CEO of my company. Yes, the same CEO who calls me the hammer.

The person we were meeting with asked if I was more accessible than him. I said yes, but probably until January. After January, I had no idea if I was accessible or not.

This is what shock me. The CEO made mention of me moving into a position where I was doing what I was doing for the last 4 months. He told this person that I had been doing a wonderful job and that he was impressed with my job.

And then he said the little words I've been dying to hear. He said "She's been doing 2 jobs, and been doing great at each..."

THANK YOU FOR REALIZING THAT FOR THE LAST 4 MONTHS I'VE BEEN WORKING AT 2 JOBS.

Now, if what he said is true that it might be possible for me to move up into a position like I've been doing, that would be awesome...

my latest song

In the events of my iPod crashing this summer, I lost all of my Counting Crows live cds.

Which wouldn't be a problem, except that I have no idea of where they are.

So I pulled out my old Counting Crows cds to listen to one my favorite songs ever written...Anna Begins.

Here are the lyrics:

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception." I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences.
"But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break.
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away.
And Anna begins to change my mind.
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along.
And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

I think the reason I keep playing this on repeat has nothing to do with the fact that my soul is distressed (which is typically the reason I play Counting Crows on repeat), but has everything to do with 9th line in this song (actually, the 9th, 10th, and 11th lines).

I was reflecting over my last year, trying to piece together the parts where I'm still feeling the pain, the sadness, the anger, the frustration of the last year. Trying to reframe my story in light of all that happened...

It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

Trying to redefine love in light of the last year makes it hard to actually love. Is it true, honest, beautiful or something that isn't spoken about in the light of day? Is it hidden from everyone except a few or given to every person, place and thing? When people hide from love, or abuse it to get what they want or need, the person hurt realizes that trying to love again is sometimes too painful...and I don't know if I want to live with that.

So, as I enter the last 54 days of the year, I'll try to move past the last year and move towards a future that looks different than I imagined and attempt to love in ways that I can only begin to dream of...because I can't let the last year continue to prevent me from moving forward.

60

I just realized that there are 60 days left this year.

Not that I'm asking for 2006 back (which by the way, I had a friend ask which year was worst, 2005 or 2006. It took me a second to answer that. While 2006 was dramatic and painful, in 2005 something horrible happened every single month, to me individually. So, my answer was 2005).

Anyways, I feel like there is this huge sense of "oh...my...god...I have so much to get done between now and then.

60 days to spend time with Tiff, to grow in friendship with Sara, go to Boulder to see a game, maybe go see a hockey game, maybe find a church, to fly back to Kansas City, to start skiing again, to see if I can position myself in a new job, to laugh, cry, redeem 2006, to plan for 2007...

wow...60 days.