Just an FYI...

Until further notice, anonymous comments will be turned off...

Sorry my anonymous friends...I would like to know who you are so I can say thank you...

I think I need a sunrise

Boston (here it here)
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear,
you look so lost,
Your eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
Well you said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains,
oh yeah.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
Oh yeah well
I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise,
I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.
Boston, where no one knows my name.
Thank you Augustana for writing the lyrics to my heart right now...

I realize this will be a mindless post

and I'm okay with that...

I'm addicted to myspace.

It started off slowly...adding a friend here, adding a friend there. However, it's become a full blown addiction.

Case in point, I found my prom date on there today...He lives in Denver. RANDOM!! He was a sophomore, I was a senior....it was actually a good time.

I almost wish I could stop...almost.

I need your grace, to remind me to find my own....

** a caveat to this post: I just helped make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and I feel shame, guilt, responsibility and ultimately in need of grace. That is where this is coming...from a place where only the tears streaming down my face know how to reach....please read the following as a message to myself and to the people I've invested the last year with. Should you need clarification, please email me. If you need to state your judgment, currently I'm not accepting those emails. Please check back later. -- end of caveat

*******************************

I just need to say is I'm sorry...I didn't know what else to say, how else to defend, what else to do. I really just need someone to say this isn't going to end everything I've established in the last year....

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
By Snow Patrol

Damn you Tina Fey

For leaving SNL


This new show you are in that's coming out in the fall better be damn good....

Well, of course the burden is light...

Last night after Beth Anne and I went to dinner, we were driving on Colfax and we passed a group of people. The guy in the front of the group was carrying a cross. Carrying might be an overstatement, considering the fact the cross had a wheel. Well, hell....No wonder the burden is light, you gotta wheel helping you. Come on man....


In other news, I plan on taking 2 naps today. I went to a public pool, and I need to finish cleaning my apartment.

And you need to go the Keg Restaurant (not only because it's named after me). They gave BA and I a free shrimp cocktail...well hell, if you are going to give me free food, I will go back.

it's the little things that I miss...

A few co-workers and I went out for happy hour tonight. As Katie and I waited for the boys to arrive, 2 guys made their way towards us...Blaine and Kelly. It wasn't anything special, however, it was ironic that they ended up sitting next to us at dinner and they got incorporated into our table (and I think a business deal happened).

Besides the point...the point of this blog is that I miss the little things in life...here are just a few...
Being hit on at a bar.
Going to a bar with the potential to be hit on.
A really good laugh.
Spending hours driving between my house in Leawood and her house in Lee's Summit just so we could hang out.
Sitting to discuss real life with her
a really good pedicure
a warm hug
that kiss that makes you remember why you love physical touch
an encouraging word


My therapist is attempting to teach me how to really love myself well (if you have a question regarding why I am in therapy, see the past year's posts, otherwise, email me or keep your mouth shut...I don't want to hear your theology on it). Maybe tonight was a way to love myself well...not that anything happened, nor do I believe that Blaine will call, but I need to remember that I am worth it for some guy...but I could really go for that kiss. ;o)

Just something fun...

I bought football tickets today. To the Colorado vs. Kansas State game. And. I. cannot. wait. I feel as giddy as I did in college when I had the chance to buy football tickets.

My parents are coming in from Kansas City to go with us to the game. In November. I'm really looking forward to it. It feels like it something I need to do in order to love me well.

In other news, we are going camping here this weekend

Yes, it is in Colorado, about 4 hours away, near Aspen. And every picture I've seen looks exactly as beautiful as this.

There will be pictures up on Sunday when I get back.

Today the music died (and so did my phone)

As I was driving to pick up some medical records, I plugged in my iPod. As I drove down Colorado Blvd, stuck in traffic, something interesting started happening. My iPod started skipping songs. It would play 20 seconds and then skip to the next. It would play one whole song and then skip 3 songs after that.

I've attempted to reset to factory setting, I've pressed the center button until I was blue in the face...nothing is working. I believe, dear friends, today is the day the music died. I don't know what I am going to do without my iPod. 1,344 songs, trapped on a machine that I can't play. What the hell am I going to do on my drive to the mountains this weekend. How will sleep while I am camping? I'm sad and distraught, and I'm hoping my friend Jim (who works at the apple store) might be able to help. Otherwise, I'm going to have to wait until I have more money to buy a new one.

A moment of silence please....

The other tragic news is my phone died. It keeps turning itself off. When I took it to Sprint today, they couldn't reproduce the problem. However, once I got the phone back, I could (while in the store), so Sprint is replacing my phone with a pretty ghetto phone.




But again, come December, I can get a pretty sweet phone...

Here's to my life being disconnected!

I kinda wish I had paid better attention

This is Fabio Cannavaro, the captian of the Italian Soccer team...oh holy hell...I wish I would have paid better attention...he's beautiful. He is the reason to watch soccer and reminds me why I always fell for all the soccer boys in high school...

to be moved...

Lately, I've been moved by music, which isn't a shock considering that God typically speaks to me through media. I downloaded these songs and I can't get them out of my head.

One of the songs, a song by The Fray (a Denver band), has brought me to tears. When I finally sat down to listen to the words, I was struck by what they actually had to say:

How to Save a Life...
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

What's unique to me in this song is the sense of "I get it". I've lost too many friends along the way due to decisions that I have made. These choices were right for me...I'm sorry you felt like I chose something other than our friendship, but you choosing out of it hasn't been easy either. These choices were ultimately right for me but not for the friendship I was in at the time. Perhaps I'll never know how the other person felt in the process of me choosing, but I would have stayed up all night had I know how to save a life.

The other song that I can't quit playing on repeat is by Fiona Apple.

Oh Well...
What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen
Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well

What I believe to be true about me is that I deeply believe in relationships. Perhaps there is some codependence there, but to my core, it's all about relationships. They transform you in the way they rub up against you, the way they push you to reconsider life, the way they help you see the life. While everyone may not agree that it's all about the relationships you have in your life, I fully believe that in the end, it's the Ultimate relationship with the Other that moves you towards love. My relational world here in Denver these days relies on 4 people who pursue me on a regular basis. My love for them has gotten me through the last year...if it wasn't for them, I would have checked myself into a mental hospital. However, for the rest of the people in my life who have made it hard for me to connect...oh well...there is so much to say and not say and for now, I'll stay in my apartment remembering that there are people who do believe in the stuff and for them, I'm willing to go all the way.

deep breath in, deep breath out...

I've always loved the smell of rain. Something so distinctive about it...growing up in Kansas, you could always count on a couple of really good summer storms and the sound of the rain beating against my window was reassuring at some level. Every summer I was involved with Icthus at Colonial, we could count on having to fly home because of the horrible summer storms.

I'm sitting next to my window, listening to rain fall here in Denver. It's a little different. The intensity that could be isn't there. It's softly falling, consistent and probably in 15 minutes, it will be done.

I fell like the rain is consistent of who I am these days too...I'm a little disruptive, a little commanding, and a little out of place. I'm feeling it in every area. I went to see The Devil Wears Prada today, and it struck a cord in me. One area was my job...I've realized that my job isn't where I'm suppose to be. I love to travel, I love to visit places I've never been. Currently my job doesn't provide that opportunity. I've been blinded by own lack of desires recently...I've become complacent.

So, I'm taking little steps to remember how to love myself. I purchased this amazing photo this week and I'm willing to discover what it means to me. I will continue to choose relationships that continue to choose me, and I will continue to be like the rain. Refreshing, unexpected, ever-changing.