Confession time...

So, I secretly love the Dixie Chicks. I do not own any country music (expect some would say Ryan Adams is alternative country, but that's neither here nor there right now).

And as I was getting ready this morning, I saw their new music video on Vh1. I stopped and watched the video that was before me. It's probably a response to the backlash that happened when they used their 1st amendment rights and spoke out against the president.

I love this song. If I had internet at home, I would have downloaded it right then, but until then, I'll just focus on the lyrics...

Not Ready To Make Nice
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Hope...

Dictionary.com defines it as "To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment." Another definition is "to expect and desire".

What I know to be true is that I can only get through today if I have some hope.

As I sat across from a friend last night, and cried over their pain, it was obvious that they had very little hope left. And I gave them full permission to use some of mine. Borrow from me, I told them.

And then I realized something deep about myself.

I have hope for everyone I know. I have hope that they will become more fully themselves that the Trinity created. I have hope that their lives will be transformed and that they will become more alive.

I have hope for Radius. That it will become a church that will change the world. That it will be a community I love and can be authentic with and eventually will change me. That we will be something unstoppable.

I have hope for Denver. That this city will be home to people, that the crack that is sold outside of my door will stop and that it will be a place that people dream of living in one day. I have hope that the government will make wise choices for the people that live here.

I have hope for the world (I know that saying has been abused by some, but I'm being serious here). That people will know the truth and the truth will set them free. I have hope that people will be more loving, more giving, more honest. That we will be able to live in love and freedom for all.

Here's the kicker...I don't have much hope for myself. There are moments when I don't believe I deserve the best. When I don't believe in myself, when I lie to myself that everything is fine and okay, I have no hope for me. It's harder for me to have hope for myself than for everyone and everything else around me. Perhaps it was rooted in high school when I learned about humility for the first time, or perhaps earlier, but this for some reason appears to be a bigger problem. Because right now, I feel a little hopeless for myself.

So for my friend, I will hope all the best for you if in return you'll have a little hope for me.

Oh...My...God...I need a date...

I was flipping through the TV last night and came across MSNBC. As I sat there while Tucker Carlson rambled on about how you really maybe don't need a college degree (which I didn't agree with, but whatever), the following thought ran across my mind...

"wow, he's kinda cute..."

It was right after that though that I realized I need a date and soon. Oh and I threw up a little in my mouth.

ISO: a new look

While I've had this blog for a while (2 years), I'm realizing that since I put my counter on my blog I'm getting ready to hit 10,000 hits.

And this might not seem like a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to me. And to be honest, I hate the look it currently has. I want it to reflect me, what I like, what I love, my personality in blog form.

I'm having the hardest time finding someone who would be able to redesign this blog and teach me how to update. And I'm even willing to pay...

So, if for some reason someone from Denver comes across this blog and wants to help me in this endeavor...let me know because as a "congrats! you've hit 10,000" I'd like it to look better.

I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall...

While I tend to hide from pop music, I recently came across this song and realized that this is how I want to live my life. Not afraid of taking risks, not afraid of loving, not afraid of being relational with someone, anyone who responds.

I want to live in a world that allows me to be fully me and you fully you and see what happens through the pain and beauty of it all. I want to be strong and confident and not worry that others are pushed or tweaked by that. I want to be me...fully.

Thank you, you 17 year old for writing the lyrics I can't get out of my head...

Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you
If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room
I would
That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
To get through to you
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

Easter Sunday...sunny, 72 degrees

As I was sitting at St. Mark's Coffeehouse yesterday, trying to figure out what happened to my 1300 iTunes collection, Vivian and Sheralee sent me this picture.

I love technology.

Vote or Die

Since we are 2 years till the next election, hopefully Diddy will come up with a better slogan.

However, if you are dying to vote between now and then, my friend Sheralee is attempting to get her picture onto a label of Jones Soda.

Please go here and vote for her!

For your FYI-You'll know it's her picture because it has her name underneath it and says Denver, CO.

You have got to be kidding me...

While others in this town might be excited, I personally feel like our beautiful city is about to be bastardized by this event taking place.

Damn you MTV!

Maybe I'm just angry because I can't participate. Because obviously, 26 is too old.

If I could turn back time....

I had a friend overhear their neighbor recently singing that one line in the shower yesterday. I couldn't resist putting it on the blog. However, the identity of both the singer and the listener will remain anonymous.

This weekend, because so many of you have asked, was good overall. There were moments of people moving towards people they haven't in a while. There were moments to escape with God and simply just be. There was a moment of driving through Este Park and having all the windows down singing at the top of our lungs "Bohemian Rhapsody" (and by the way, we sounded much better than Kellie Pickler did last night on Idol). But the beauty of the weekend for me was the moment I sat with God and asked for the one thing I needed to do. I was ready and willing to hear anything...what I heard was so gentle, so sweet I knew it was exactly what I needed. What I heard was that I needed to be content. While the last 10 months have been difficult, I have been blessed by new friendships and old ones. I've been blessed by having people speak into my life who I didn't know a year ago and who I want to do life with. God simply asked, not in a contemptuous way or a shaming way, but simply could I be content with the relationships that have been given to me and live with those? We would get to the other stuff, the pain, the lack of knowing eventually, but could I sit with the 8 people who have moved toward me and I love to spend time with? The answer was yes...

In the midst of all of this, I caught some damn cold that is kicking my tail. I hate being sick. I hate the fact that I can't breathe at night or that my ear feels like it's about to pop when I blow my nose. I know standing out in the rain probably didn't help, but it's killing me softly.

And this week is looking good. VH1 brought back an awesome show (Tuesdays 8/7 c), you should check it out. Vivian and I are bringing back Good Fridays to Denver and Sheralee talked me into Easter Sunrise services on Sunday...and until then, I'll keep sitting with this Oscar Wilde quote:

"Who, being loved, is poor?"

amen...

Enjoy your kids, you skinny bitch...

A. There is no contempt in that statement (at least from my end).
B. It is in reference to something that happened last night.

So, let me tell you about last night...and the craziness that ensued and how I'm paying for it this morning.

About a week ago, I was sitting in Maria's apartment reading the Westword. It was their "Best of Denver" edition and I wanted to see the things I was missing out on. After realizing that the Cricket had been ripped off for not having the best burger in town, I stumbled across the Best $5 Manicure and $5 Martini night. What? There is such a thing? In Denver? It was too good to be true.

Club Evolution, a local dance club here in Denver, offers $5 Martinis and $5 Manicure Mondays. Every Monday night, you can sip your favorite martini and have a cheap (with no polish) manicure. We had to go try it out. Maria, Sara, Vivian, and I drove over last night and crazy is the only word I can use to describe what happened.

There were like 5 people there when we arrive and 5 people when we left. The manicurists were slowly becoming drunk, and the bartender was an ass. The two other people, Chris (an off duty bartender) and Brett (a beautiful man in a beautiful leather jacket), helped out, but it was crazy. We connected with these people. We invited them into our worlds, and they invited us into theirs (that's mostly because Sara is the most beautiful soul you will ever meet and being around her just opens space in your soul).

Finally, we left around 12:30 because I desperately wanted to get to bed and didn't express that real well until we were in the car driving home (I need to realize that my desires aren't bad and aren't entirely crushing to others...I struggled again with that last night). By the time I crawled into bed, it was past 1:00 am, and getting only 5 hours of sleep is not helpful. Neither is the headache I felt this morning due to lack of sleep, but that's besides the point.

So to Lacey, Mary, Brett, Chris and Billy who helped make Monday, April 4th the most random damn night we had had in the longest time, thank you. We'll be back again soon...

hmm...

I recently pulled out my Toad the Wet Sprocket best of cd. I love it, not only because it reminds me of Young Life but because it's great driving music. One of the songs keeps ringing in my heart and I feel like it expresses the swirling I'm feeling right now.

The key lyric in this that keeps me up at night is the following: "That it is lonely here, but not alone". This is something I need to remember on a daily basis...That I do feel the pains of loneliness, and I am not alone. I am blessed by people who deeply care for me, and for those people I am eternally grateful. Without them, I would have checked out 7 months ago.

One part of me just wants to tell you everything
One part just needs the quiet
And if I'm lonely here, I'm lonely here
And on the telephone
You offer reassurance
I will not take these things for granted
How can I hold the part of me that only you can carry
It needs a strength I haven't found
But if it's frightening, I'll bear the cold
And on the telephone
You offer warm asylum
I'm listening
Flowers in the garden
Laughter in the hall
Children in the park
I will not take these things for granted
Anymore
To crawl inside the wire and feel something near me
To feel this accepting
That it is lonely here, but not alone
And on the telephone
You offer visions dancing
I'm listening
Music in the bedroom
Laughter in the hall
Dive into the ocean
Singing by the fire
Running through the forest
And standing in the wind
In rolling canyons
I will not take these things for granted

He doesn't know where Wyoming is!!

First things first, I'd like to thank this person, for allowing me to download this picture and post it on my blog. I did not take it, I did not bring my camera. All props go to her!

Guster is by far one of my favorite bands. If you look at my iTunes, you'll notice that they have multiple songs in the list and that I listen to them on a regular basis. It's good "hey, it's spring/summer music, I'm driving doing errands today and I want something to bounce around too."

I've seen them multiple times...almost dying at the first show I went to at the Taste of Chicago two summers ago (by the way, now that it's spring and it's warming up, I'm starting to miss Chicago because there is tons to do in Chicago in the summer). Another show I saw with my dear, beautiful friend Andy had the Barenaked Ladies running across the stage in their underwear.

The beautiful thing of seeing Guster in concert is that it's truly a community experience. The fans are incredible, the show itself is so much fun, and the fans are singing so loud that you can't hear the boys themselves play. Again, i was reminded about community after seeing them last night in Fort Collins.

Once I heard that Guster was coming to Colorado, I sent out an email to see if anyone wanted to join me. Jared said that he would go with me to a show. On Saturday night, we hopped into my car and drove to Ft. Collins. It was raining, and we hadn't connected in a long time. It was good conversation in the car and when we arrived in Ft. Collins, I was starving. Since no one was selling tickets yet, we decided to run to Old Chicago (a place I will forever hold dear in my heart due to Bethel...sigh) for dinner. After dinner, no one was selling their tickets yet, so I started asking anyone that walked by. It was raining and slowly I was becoming tired of asking. I was soaking wet, but wanted to see the show. I saw two people run to the side of the building and I sent J to see what was going down. Eventually, that proved fruitful because we bought tickets. Granted it was $20 more than I wanted to pay, but after the show, it was worth every penny.

We got inside and met these people from Wyoming. Drunk as all get out, but the nicest people in the world. When J was asked if he knew where Casper, WY was, and when he said no, they proceeded to say that he has no idea where Wyoming is located. We laughed, danced, heard a new guy that is totally worth buying a cd from. The show was amazing. Guster's energy was felt throughout the crowd. The dancing (even with the white-man's overbite) was incredible. And the fact they are coming back to Denver this summer makes me so excited.

I'm reminded every time I see a show how much I love concerts. I love the energy, the spiritual experience, the music, the crowd, the sense of community. And in the space I'm in right now of hardness, confusion, and swirling, I'll take all the space I can get...