drown me in love

it's funny, since I wrote my latest manifesto, I've spent hours, minutes, seconds, wondering how to actually put it into action.

I so want it to be true. I want it more than I've wanted anything recently. And the truth is that I feel like I have a direction in my life again. Over the last year, I feel like I've lost what I want to be in true in my life. And I don't think Kenya is to blame for that, I think it reawakened some necessary areas. But I could not and I cannot reconcile the two areas.

I moved out to Denver with the belief that love could do anything, could change the world. And there is the part of me that still believes that, but I haven't put it into any action over the last few months.

So to read those words, to have it resonate in my soul, to cry tears of aching, to realize that you don't know who you are...it's a hard place to be. So, I did the two things I know best to do...I shamed myself and called my therapist.

I desperately want it to be. I am putting as much energy as I can into making it true.

I wish I had found these lyrics a couple of weeks ago

you can’t play me like that, it’s a matter of fact
your nothing more than a typical whore,
and i won’t be your fool anymore.
maybe someday you’ll get it, perhaps you’ll regret it
or maybe you’ll find someone else who accepts it.
i won’t be the one
-- Tickle Me Pink "Typical"

These are the words I wish I would have said to the person who gave me the biggest load a couple of weeks ago, because sadly, they are true of him.

Truth vs. Reality

"I want to be a better wife, a more conscious and present mother, a more loyal friend, and a better listener. I'd like to handle my anxiety better. I also want to be more organized because I'm tired and fed up with not being able to find anything. Many times that anything is my head. And starting yesterday I feel like I'm on my way to making every day Florida.
Here goes."

-- Heather Armstrong

I feel like I could swap out some these words and it could voice the struggle I am feeling in my soul right now...here's my version...

I want to be a confident woman, a more conscious and present being, a more loyal and better friend, and a better listener. I'd like to handle my anxiety better. I also want to be more organized because I'm tired and fed up with not being able to find anything. Many times that anything is my head... Here goes.

the reality after 3 years

I was speaking with a friend today about something we are doing this summer. As we chatted about who we wanted to invite, they mentioned this "it's sad when I can't come up with more than 2 or 3 people I really want to invite."


Here's the reality...I could have said the exact same thing. There are 4 people here in Denver that I really want to be around, who I feel like they want to be around me. And in the midst of that, I have to wonder (and I apologize for the language) why the fuck I came out here. Not that things were wonderful in Chicago, but at least there, I had a truer sense of community. I followed a group out here, filled with the desire to love the Trinity more and the reality is that it was lead by a narcistic man who couldn't think outside of himself.

And here I am, 3 years later, feeling like I know 2 to 4 people that I could call if need be. And it's hard not to feel like you are alone in a large city...

Welcome to year 3 in Denver...God willing things begin to change.

Thank you CA

Random note...

Last night I had a girls happy hour with Maria, Sheralee and Christen. We started at Delite and then moved to Beatrice and Woodsley. It was at B&W that I confessed I had no idea how use T-9 features on my phone.

Christen thankfully showed me how to use it. And all it is, you don't look at the screen. You look at the keyboard.

And Sheralee showed me how to T-9 in Spanish...

I believe this will forever change my life.

twofer

As I was riding the bus to meet my friend BAC for dinner, I received a phone call from someone. I've know this person for 1 year and our friendship/relationship is one wave after another.

What proceeded over the next 15 minutes was the worst lying I have ever heard. My mom always told me that you can never shit a shitter and with my intuition, I knew exactly what was happening. And in the midst of the conversation, I was able to say finally that I am done. Which if you've talked to me about this person over the last few weeks, you know I've been ready to say "no more".

But after processing with Christen and BAC, what I've come to decide is that the excuse I got was by far the lamest excuse EVER. And what's sad, this isn't a first time I've gotten the worst explanation from this person. Perhaps that's why it's so easy to say "no more" to this person.

It's nice to be done.

hum.

Someone asked me recently why they still check my blog every day even though I rarely post these days. And in all honesty, I don't know why she still checks either.

Last night as I was doing dishes at Starbucks (yes, for those of you who don't know, I took up a part time job to get completely debt free by next year), I had the time to process some items that are on the table. I thought about the response I really want to tell someone, about how I want the courage to say I am done. I thought about life, where it is, what it has been, and the disappointment I feel around some of it. I thought about how drastically different it looks compared to what it was imagined to be. I thought about a conversation I had earlier in the day about how a person's job and their true being were so drastically different that they didn't know if they could even be in the same room with each other.

Who knows where this is going and if I even have a point right now, but there is something to be said to the point that moving on isn't a bad thing...it just needs to happen...